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The High Cost of Silence: Why "Putting Up With It" Doesn't Work · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for April 27, 2026 The High Cost of Silence Why,
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  Putting Up with It Doesn't Work Something Lori and I have long said is,
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  what you put up with, you live with.
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  If you don't say anything about
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  something your spouse does that you dislike, they will keep doing it.
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  Ignoring it won't make it better, and it may make it worse. This also applies
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  to failures, things your spouse fails to do or does poorly or infrequently.
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  There are a variety of reasons we don't mention things we dislike.
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  We don't want to hurt their feelings. We don't want to start a fight.
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  We worry we are being petty or are concerned our spouse will belittle us.
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  We might think it is us and we should just get over it. Another possibility
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  is life is more stressful now and you can no longer ignore some things that you could in the past.
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  Perhaps it seemed like a little thing, at first. Or compared with the other
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  issues, it was a small thing.
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  But small things done over and over and over can become major irritations.
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  And bigger things will get to, I can't take it anymore, even faster.
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  Often it builds up until we blow. In a moment of frustration,
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  we scream, can you please stop doing that?
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  And our spouse looks at us like we're a crazy person because,
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  one, we are acting like a crazy person, and two, it's the first time we have mentioned whatever.
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  As far as they know, you never had a problem with what they do.
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  Then suddenly, from their perspective,
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  you are over-the-top angry about it for no discernible reason.
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  After you calm down, you feel embarrassed at your reaction. You may worry that
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  an apology will be taken as saying that what bothers you is not a big deal.
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  Or your bad behavior may keep you from having the calm, rational discussion
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  you need to have about the issue.
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  So while it feels good in the moment, blowing up doesn't usually change anything.
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  We will look at how to deal with these things later this week.
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  Tomorrow, I'll look at various things we put up with until they drive us crazy.
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  Between now and then, think about your marriage. Have you been putting up with
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  things you're tired of living with?
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  Can you see anywhere your spouse might be in this position about something you do or don't do?
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  If they used to complain about something you did or did not do and stopped, did they get over it?
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  Or did they just stop saying anything because you didn't change?
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  This is Paul, and living with things that upset you is not doing marriage well.