Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / The guilt, the judgment and a friendship 20 years deep: How do I know when it's time to let go?

Transcript

The guilt, the judgment and a friendship 20 years deep: How do I know when it's time to let go? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apoge production.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: I need your advice.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened? Promise it won't be too much.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you. Hello,
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: and welcome back to another Bestie Advice segment. This is
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: one of our favorite segments, even though there's only two.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: I am biased.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: We love it all. We love it all.
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: I am biased, but I do love it because it's
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: a moment where we get to connect with all of
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: you and to just exchange stories and also exchange advice
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: on the things that you might be needing support on
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: in this season of your life, whether you're going through ups, downs,
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: the challenges, the highs, the lows, all of it can
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: be quite all consuming emotionally, and sometimes we just need
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: someone who's going to tell us straight what we need
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: to hear in a loving way, but also call us.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: Forward to Yeah, this is true, best the advice like
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: we would give each other. Take it with the grain, AsSalt. Okay.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Today's title it was called The Guilt, the Judgment, and
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: a Friendship twenty years Deep. How do I know when
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: it's time to let go? I have a close friend
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: I've known for over twenty years, and less than two
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: years ago, she went through a major medical event that
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: was incredibly traumatic and required her to relearn many everyday tasks.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: I supported her through that and have enormous admiration for
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: what she's overcome. Now. The difficult part is that she
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: has now recovered to a point where she's living independently,
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: raising her daughter, driving, exercising, traveling, and genuinely functioning really well.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: From the outside, it seems she has regained capacity for
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: many parts of her life, but she's made it very
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: clear that she has no intention of returning to work,
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: despite seeming capable of doing so. I am struggling with
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: feelings I don't feel proud of. I feel resentment, frustration,
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: and even judgment. Part of it is that she appears
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: to live comfortably on government support while also talking about
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: overseas travel and regular holidays, and I find myself feeling
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: bothered by what I perceive as a lack of responsibility
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: that I think. I'm struggling with whether our values now
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: differ in a way that has changed how I see her.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: As a result, catching up has started to feel more
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: like an obligation rather than enjoyment, and I feel really
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: guilty about that, especially because she has lost so many
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: friendships and I'm the one of the few close friends
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: that she now all she has left. My question is,
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: how do I know whether this is a friendship worth
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: working through versus a sign that maybe I've outgrown it?
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: And how do I separate legitimate concerns about a friend's
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: choices from my own judgment or resentment. Oh, I feel
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: like you're gonna have a lot to say about it. Oh,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: it's just so good.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: Thank you firstly for bringing this in. Yeah, I just
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: wanted to say, there's nothing wrong with the fact that
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: you feel resentful, the fact that those feelings are coming
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: up for you, Like, you don't need to feel shame
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: or guilt around it. I think what's being triggered in
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: you is what's being triggered in you. Like, it doesn't
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: mean that you're a bad friend, it doesn't mean that
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: you're doing anything wrong. It's just acknowledging what's actually coming
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: up for you in all of this. And I completely
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: hear what you're saying around you know, is this something
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: that I let go of versus like have I outgrown this?
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: Or is worth working on? The question that I would
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: get you to ask, like do you love and respect
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: this person and want them in your life regardless of
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: their choices?
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: Because all of it can be true. Yeah, Like if
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: you're wanting more for yourself and you're noticing that you
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: disagree with her choices, that's also okay. You're allowed to
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: disagree with somebody's choices but still love them intent, you know,
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: like you don't have to have the same everything in
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: order to be a friend and move along in the
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: same direction with them, but like you can still love
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: on them. And I think that's a really powerful distinction
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: to make. It's more about do you feel aligned in
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: the friendship still, because it's like who can say if
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: it's worth it or not? Only you? Do you want
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: to be there? Do you love that person? Do you
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: respect that person? Is your life better with that person
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: in it as opposed to you feeling like this is
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: not somebody I actually want to spend time with. That's
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: only something that you can answer. But asking yourself those
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: questions is going to be really important for you. But
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: before we kind of go there, I think what is
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: cool for you to acknowledge, which you did, was feelings
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: of resentment towards the lack of responsibility. There are two
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: parts to this. When I first heard you say that,
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: part of me wants to acknowledge that maybe there's a
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: part of you that wishes you didn't have to be
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: as responsible as what you are. Yeah, that's what I hear,
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: is that I be there. I envy. Yeah, I'm resentful
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: towards this person because they are care free, they want
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: to live off government benefits, they don't have to do
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: what's hard, and they still get to travel and do
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: all the things. Whereas for you, what I'm hearing is like,
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: I have to work hard, I have to be responsible,
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: I have to do all the things, and I probably
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: still don't get to travel.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: So yes, this experience is highlighting a desire, Like what
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: you actually want is to maybe not have to be
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: as responsible.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: And that's okay to acknowledge too.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: Absolutely you can want to be a little bit more
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: carefree and to have things done for you and to
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: have things paid for you and all of these things.
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: To me, what this highlights is a desire. There's nothing
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: wrong with it. But you're feeling resentful because you don't
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: currently have what that person is highlighting to you, what
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: they are currently getting, and you do not have, you're.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Not acknowledging that's what you actually want to have as well.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, which she'd probably have the story of like I'm
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: responsible and everyone comes to me and like, yeah, I'm
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: a go get her. I want the business and I
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: want to be achieve that's right. So you have this
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: identity of that, whereas there's this other part of you
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: that exists, which is so normal and fine, that probably
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: wants to be taken care of, that wants to have
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: things paid for, that wants to have things done for her,
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: for you and your nervous system to relax, and it's
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: being shown to use a big, beautiful mirror in this
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: friend of yours who doesn't have to be responsible, who
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: is carefree, who doesn't care to live off government payments,
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: who doesn't care to go back to work when you
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: feel like you probably have to right now.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, put a friend that's on government funding and she
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: just puts around life. I remember having feelings of that
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: as well, of like oh, that's not fair, Like what
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: do you mean you're not working? Like I've had to
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: wake my whole life since I was thirteen, and I
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: like really caught myself quickly. I remember saying to myself, well,
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: you can go on government funding you don't want to work,
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: But then I had to be really honest with myself, like, no,
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: actually enjoy working. I actually like I'm sting to work
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: towards I like the responsibility, like the growth, like the
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: impact I make. But there was also that part of
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: me that likes the freedom as well, and it's just
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: I do allow both to coexist there and be like, hey,
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: well where in my life can I create more freedom? Yes,
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: so I can still honor this hustle part of me
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: that loves to make impact and grow and money and
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: freedom all the things, But where can I create more
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: freedom of my day to day? Because that's what it's
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: highlighting for me that I'm wanting more of and saying
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: for you, like you might feel like you can't travel,
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: but maybe it's time to lock and book in a holiday,
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: and like, where can you put that in your life?
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: We did this too in our life. We're like we
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: want to be traveling and being able to work and travel.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: How do we do that? We do retreat some BALI
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: looks so you can do that right now, but it's
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: like for your situation, what you're desiring honor and own
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: them and acknowledge that, and it's hard to do sometimes.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: Like we talk about this all the time in our
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: accelerated program. It's like you have full permission to want
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: more here money. We talk about this all the time. Yes,
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: we want more money, absolutely, Yes, we want a bigger life. Yes,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: I like to DESI things. Yes, I like having a
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: nice car. Yes, I like having a successful business. You'd
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: be lying to me if you said you didn't want
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: that as well. You have not allowing yourself to fully
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: own it. Rights with each other. We're like more more.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: We make it playful and fun, so now there's no
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: shame around it. Yeah, and you get to do that
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: as well. So I think this is really cool for
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: you to bring up. And I just love the self
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: awareness that this is coming up. And maybe it's got
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: less to do about her and more to do about
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: what's actually going on internally for you. Yeah, I love that.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: And whether it's the travel that you're wanting more of,
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: or better quality of life, freedom, even relaxation. Yeah, maybe
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: you're feeling super bogged down with all your responsibility that
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: you're not even giving yourself twenty minutes to go put
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: your feet in the sand at the beach and just
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: have no one need you and no one contacted. You,
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: put your phone on do not disturb, listen to your
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: favorite playlist, Like when you look at the underlying feeling
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: underneath the resentment and the envy and all the things
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: that are coming up for you, like what's the underlying need?
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: Because there is a need underneath there that is like
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: poking at you, going hey, like I'm ready for you
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: to look at me. And when you start to listen
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: to that, your life will get significantly better because you're
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: going to start to create that fulfillment that you're craving.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: And that's only something that you can give to yourself.
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: But it's by looking at the things that feel really
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: uncomfortable to say.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: I also wonder, and this could be totally wrong, but
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: after you supporting her through all of that, are you
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: not feeling appreciated? So now there's resentment of like, oh, well,
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: I was there for you through all the hard times
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: and now you just living this life and I'm over
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: here still like struggling, and I was working and providing
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: do all the things whilst taking care of you, and
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: now you're just half living this like happy free life.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: What about me? Yeah, hye that I'm still here. I
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: want to be appreciated and seen and have fun with you.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: I wonderf there's a little bit of that as well.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: This is cool to reflect on and like, you don't
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: know unless you get curious about it and you get
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: to poke holes that all the things that are coming
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: up for you and all of this.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Yes, and there's no shame in any of it, not
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: at all.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: I've definitely had things come up for me before around
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: things feeling easier for other people.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, me too.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: What it was highlighting to me was like, I'm just
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: feeling really challenged by what's happening right now in my life. Yeah,
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: and it feels harder for me. Yeah, but that was
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: the story I was telling myself. We just recently did
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: an episode on all the stories that we tell ourselves,
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: which you should go back and listen to if you're
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: feeling like, oh, I might have some stories here that
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: are limiting me for moving forward. I think that will
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: really help. But yeah, it's definitely not an easy thing
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: to acknowledge because we never want to be wrong or
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: bad and we don't want to be the bad guy
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: and all these things, and we probably is meaning on
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: all of the things, all of our feelings, resentment, anger, envy,
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: all we make ourselves a bad guy. Yeah, you're not.
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: You're just a human with emotions.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: Literally, like we all are. Absolutely. I think it's easier
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: sometimes to blame that person and the experience with them
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: instead of looking at ourselves. So it might be easy
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: for you to say now like, oh wait, we're just
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: not aligned and I don't respect her decisions. Da da da.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: But I hope today, after this you can sit back
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: and reflect and then you can get really clear. If
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: this friendship isn't feeling aligned anymore, that might be the truth.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: But maybe now that we've spoken about all of this,
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: you're like, oh gosh, yeah I am. Actually there's a
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: lot here for me to unpack, and I need to
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: explore that before I make a decision over here. And
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: like you said, that start like do you love and
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: respect this person and want them in your life? Lots
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: of curious losty are curious, big questions and would love
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: and update. I hope this episode's helped. I hope it
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: gives you a lot of clarity and where you want
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: to go next and what you want to own, and
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: you're allowed to want all the things she has as
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: well as enjoying what you do. It can all be there.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: Absolutely yeah, good luck, my love, thanks for joining us,
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: see on the next one. Bye.