Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Wait Why Would You Get Laid If You're Not Loving?

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Wait Why Would You Get Laid If You're Not Loving? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today we are going to be talking about this
• 0:12
  logic puzzle of how some men do not really.
• 0:15
  Despite me constantly saying that women want romance, women
• 0:21
  need to be treated well and you need to kind of do what your
• 0:26
  wife wants be flexible, be open-minded if you want her to
• 0:29
  be open-minded and bed, you got to be open-minded out of bed,
• 0:32
  don't make problems about everything stopping.
• 0:35
  Be difficult stopping Devil's, Advocate.
• 0:37
  I say all this stuff and then I still hear about people who are
• 0:40
  in the situation where they want sex from their wife, but they
• 0:44
  don't even like, say I love you, never mind, be romantic.
• 0:48
  So, I figured, I would do this episode called.
• 0:51
  Wait, why would you get laid? If you're not loving to express
• 0:55
  that shock, and it really is shock because you, you need to
• 1:02
  understand. She needs things to It's men try
• 1:06
  but some men do and I'll talk about that in a bit.
• 1:09
  Please do subscribe. The most recent subscriber
• 1:12
  episode was yes you are supposed to handle a soft penis.
• 1:15
  So on another note you know it's very pragmatic it came to my
• 1:20
  attention. That women do not know that you
• 1:22
  can handle a soft penis. And think that this might
• 1:25
  embarrass the man. This doesn't embarrass the man.
• 1:27
  This is his birthday. It's wonderful.
• 1:29
  If you come over and grab the penis out of nowhere, soft hard
• 1:33
  every which way. Yes.
• 1:35
  I mean, I've talked about this stuff but like the idea that
• 1:38
  like you're supposed to touch, it is like still women don't
• 1:42
  understand, you're not only supposed to touch it when it's
• 1:44
  hard. I talked about this a lot, but,
• 1:46
  you know, much like men need the romantic stuff, hammered home.
• 1:51
  Women need this stuff hammered home.
• 1:53
  All right, so, what do I mean by acting loving and romantic?
• 1:57
  I have podcasts on this, like, literally a 10 ways concrete
• 2:00
  ways to be romantic to your wife.
• 2:02
  But, let's let's start like, with Our Baseline stuff.
• 2:06
  If you're not saying I love you to your wife.
• 2:08
  Why in the hell would she sleep with you?
• 2:10
  Why? I don't even understand.
• 2:12
  I wouldn't do it myself. That's not meaning to say that.
• 2:15
  Like, women don't enjoy casual sex.
• 2:17
  Sure, they enjoy casual sex, but you don't expect a guy.
• 2:22
  You just met at a bar to say, I love you.
• 2:24
  If he did, that would be weird as shit.
• 2:26
  He would be like Joe and you, it would be like a stalker, you
• 2:29
  don't want that. But the guy that you made babies
• 2:33
  with that, you are In a that you're married to that guy
• 2:38
  supposed to love you, just like, I totally think sexual marital
• 2:42
  contract. You're supposed to have sex.
• 2:44
  Yes, that is part of marriages, sexual intimate, physical
• 2:47
  relationship. Also, obviously a loving
• 2:51
  relationship. Loving relationship is not
• 2:54
  active service. Doesn't matter how many times
• 2:57
  you fill up her car with gas. I don't care if that's what her
• 3:01
  number one love language was on the test you took if You're not
• 3:05
  saying I love you everyday to each other, like, don't don't be
• 3:10
  married, then just like if you don't want to have sex, you
• 3:14
  cannot be having sex with a man and feel good about yourself
• 3:17
  within marriage. If he is not expressing love for
• 3:19
  you, unless you are very emotionally unhealthy and you
• 3:23
  don't trust men that are emotionally open because you got
• 3:26
  treated like shit for your whole life as a kid.
• 3:28
  And you saw your mom get treated like shit, so you assume that
• 3:31
  men are just pieces of shit and you married 12 and And so now
• 3:36
  you're in this horrible situation and that case you
• 3:38
  certainly need your own therapy. I hope my podcast can help as
• 3:41
  well, certainly not as much as your own therapy but unless
• 3:45
  you're in that situation, which is a bad situation, you are a
• 3:49
  woman who wants a man to express love.
• 3:52
  What is this look like? Well, for many men, we just got
• 3:54
  to go Baseline. You got to say, I love you every
• 3:55
  day. That's a rule new rule.
• 3:57
  You got to say, I love you every day.
• 4:00
  This should be an obvious thing to any man who's trying to work
• 4:04
  on his marriage. If it's not, then it would be
• 4:06
  instructive to go into your own therapy and think about the
• 4:08
  relationship you saw between your parents because I'm telling
• 4:11
  you it wasn't good. If you do not think that this is
• 4:13
  a default the same way as you would like a hug and a kiss.
• 4:16
  When you come home to be a default, she wants most women
• 4:20
  want most emotionally healthy women.
• 4:22
  That have no issues with receiving intimacy, want.
• 4:27
  And I don't mean intimacy, you know, code word.
• 4:29
  For sex, I mean, intimacy closeness, they want to be, told
• 4:33
  I love you. So you must start to do it if
• 4:36
  you don't do it. It's probably that that is
• 4:39
  really pretty highly related to the fact that you're not doing
• 4:41
  too well in bedroom because she wants to feel love.
• 4:45
  She wants to feel commitment. What else are things that you
• 4:47
  say? You could say you look beautiful
• 4:49
  today? Definitely you should say that.
• 4:52
  It doesn't matter if she's skinny or not, if you want to
• 4:54
  have sex with her, then she's hot enough for you.
• 4:57
  So you can refer back to the podcast specifically where a guy
• 5:00
  said and I really handed him his ass about it.
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  I can't call my wife. Beautiful.
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  I just want to call her hot because she needs some weight to
• 5:07
  lose. She has some weight to lose and
• 5:09
  I don't want to make her think it's okay.
• 5:11
  How she looks right now, you could imagine what I did with
• 5:14
  this question. That's one of my earlier podcast
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  and season one. I say season one like it's like
• 5:20
  five years ago, it was last year.
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  But anyway, you got to be saying I love you.
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  You have to be saying you look, beautiful.
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  You have to be saying, you're a good mother.
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  This is a very big 12. Women, you have to be saying
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  nice things. I don't give a shit that you
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  Your love language thing, and she doesn't like verbal
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  affirmation, unless she tells you to stop, say loving things,
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  you have to, like, write a poem. Although, if she's very
• 5:42
  emotional, write a poem. If you write a poem and listen,
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  I'm going to offer you now right now, free service, anybody who
• 5:50
  writes a poem Koenig, that you email it to me and I will tell
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  you, if this is something you should said, they're not because
• 5:57
  sometimes some guys have written a poem and it's no, don't send
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  it. I like it literally says stuff
• 6:04
  like Like despite your flaws, no your flaws.
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  Don't go into a poem so maybe that alone can keep you on the
• 6:10
  right track but do not send the poem that says You know, despite
• 6:13
  that you have some flaws. That is not a poem.
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  No poetry there anyway. So what else is romantic?
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  What else is loving taking the kids and saying why don't you go
• 6:25
  get your nails done or take a walk or go?
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  Relax sure that's loving. It's also like being a teammate
• 6:30
  to got to say it in kind of a loving way.
• 6:32
  You got to see like you got have like a word Hurt like sweetheart
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  sweetheart, honey, babe. You got to have one of those if
• 6:39
  you don't have one of those. Remember I assume hopefully you
• 6:43
  used to at the beginning call or something that wasn't Mary, you
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  know, or like whatever her name is, if your name isn't Mary,
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  maybe Mary's acute his nickname but in the case where her name
• 6:53
  is Mary and you just call her Mary.
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  This is not very romantic. Like you got to make her feel
• 6:58
  warm and fuzzy the same way as you want to feel very
• 7:02
  erratically connected in the bedroom she wants.
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  To feel emotionally connected the same way as you would want
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  to sex life, that you could Replay for like a montage in
• 7:10
  your head. That makes you feel good about
• 7:12
  yourself. She wants romantic things like
• 7:14
  that. She wants to be able to say to
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  her girlfriends. Oh, it was so cute.
• 7:20
  You know, what the, hell's your name the fictional person.
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  Fred, Fred came home with flowers and he had gotten the
• 7:27
  babysitter and then we went out to eat and then average give me
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  like girl, you are so lucky. Bob hasn't done that in like 15
• 7:35
  years and I'm going to divorce his ass because he's not fret
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  and that's like wonderful because then your wife feels
• 7:41
  like top of the an till you know, like she is the winner
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  just as you would if your wife gave you some sort of
• 7:47
  transformative sexual experience.
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  Although men do not brag about that in the way that women brag
• 7:52
  about being taken out to dinner, at least, they don't usually do
• 7:56
  that. So so anyway, so you really want
• 7:59
  to be giving your wife, the romance, novel experience, if
• 8:02
  you want the poor in experience, right?
• 8:04
  Like think about is like Tit for Tat.
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  It's very, but not in a bad way. It's not Tit for Tat.
• 8:09
  Like I will not take her on a date, unless she gives me a blow
• 8:13
  job. Then you're never getting a
• 8:14
  blowjob but if you think, man, I'm I'm going to empathize
• 8:18
  radical empathy. What do women want?
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  Oh, I'm gonna google it. I'm going to listen to dr.
• 8:23
  Psych mom's podcast on it or post.
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  This would be like five minutes of your life. 10 things.
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  Women want for you to be more romantic or I write other ones.
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  What do women want? I'm writing this.
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  All the time. So try to do some of it.
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  You got to be saying I love you everyday.
• 8:39
  You got to compliment her every day.
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  You want to make your wife, feel secure in your relationship.
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  That there is like a man who loves her more than anything in
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  the world that there is a man who is pleasant and supportive
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  that if she makes plans. This is a man that will be
• 8:57
  excited for her. You know, like if if your wife
• 9:00
  wants to go to a moms night you're not like oh so I'm going
• 9:03
  to be with the kids. Instead, you're like have fun
• 9:05
  sweetheart, women want to feel secure, everybody wants feel
• 9:09
  secure, but they do it in different ways.
• 9:11
  So, a man would like the idea that like he would go away for a
• 9:16
  business trip and before and afterwards, you have great sex
• 9:19
  with him one, so that he remembers and then when he comes
• 9:22
  back to to be happy that he's back to reunite, right?
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  If a woman goes away, she would want you to say I miss you.
• 9:30
  My darling. You're so beautiful.
• 9:32
  I can't live without you. I don't know how I'll do it for
• 9:35
  these, you know, three days that you're on a business trip.
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  You're such a great mom, you know, like I don't know, even
• 9:41
  how I'm going to do anything without you but it'll be okay
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  because I want you to have a great time too.
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  And please, you know, just live your best life.
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  When you go, that's what a person wants from their husband.
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  When they go travel, they want this supportive sort of
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  romantic. I love you.
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  I'll miss you. You know, we are, you know,
• 10:01
  we're going to miss you so much, but we're going to be okay.
• 10:04
  And, you know, have fun but yet some guys, that really would
• 10:08
  want the sex before they leave. And when they get home, when the
• 10:12
  wife goes on a business trip, they're like, oh, you going on
• 10:15
  another trip. Huh.
• 10:16
  All right. Well, I guess I'll take the kids
• 10:17
  to my mom. The fuck is that, that, that
• 10:20
  response is why you don't get laid this passive-aggressive
• 10:24
  Devil's, Advocate e type of shit that one wasn't Devil's
• 10:27
  Advocate. But I'm just saying all of the,
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  all of the things that make a man difficult but usually
• 10:33
  soaking pass Aggression, Devil's Advocate and kind of name
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  calling you say name-calling, I would never call my wife.
• 10:41
  Half the names that I want to call her but crazy, anything
• 10:46
  that involves the word crazy, you know, anything that's like,
• 10:48
  that's it. Rationale, that that's not nice.
• 10:51
  That's calling her crazy or like that doesn't make sense.
• 10:55
  When said, like with dripping with contempt you don't want a
• 10:58
  man? Who's contemptuous no woman's
• 11:00
  gonna sleep with a contemptuous man?
• 11:02
  Again, unless she's on healthy and you don't Want an unhealthy
• 11:05
  woman, raising your children, you don't want a woman with low
• 11:08
  self-esteem, raising your children.
• 11:10
  So, you know, you got to, if she doesn't already have high
• 11:14
  self-esteem, then you got to maybe try to give her some and
• 11:17
  yes, you can help. Somebody self-esteem think about
• 11:20
  it, wouldn't it help your self-esteem if your wife wanted
• 11:22
  to have sex with you all the time?
• 11:23
  Hell, yes, it would. So you can help her self-esteem
• 11:27
  by being nice. Loving patient.
• 11:30
  Direct versus passive aggressive support.
• 11:34
  Versus Playing devil's. Advocate interested attentive
• 11:38
  present all of these things that a woman finds loving.
• 11:44
  So, however, you're acting with your kids.
• 11:45
  When they tell you a story, you should be even better when your
• 11:48
  wife tells you a story. Most people, they listen to the
• 11:50
  kid. Tell them this ridiculous thing
• 11:52
  men are better at this than women by the way, because I
• 11:54
  guess they just turn off their Brave and they're they're
• 11:57
  they're not as highly sensitive to like the sound, literally the
• 12:01
  sound of the story, you know? And then that Then you know,
• 12:05
  makes a highly sensitive person, go out of their mind but there's
• 12:08
  fewer highly sensitive men. They can listen to the kid, talk
• 12:10
  about Minecraft for like 20 minutes.
• 12:12
  Of course, you're just thinking about work, nobody believes
• 12:14
  you're listening because you're not but you could listen to
• 12:17
  that. But then your wife tries to tell
• 12:18
  you something about her day. And you're like, I have to
• 12:21
  finish this email. So like, then you are not going
• 12:24
  to have any sex, right? Because she has to be
• 12:27
  vulnerable. Now, this is the tldr.
• 12:30
  She has to be vulnerable to give you the sex that you want.
• 12:33
  If she does not feel We safe with you because you're always
• 12:35
  acting like a dick or you're just neutral to her and I kind
• 12:39
  of like a roommate then you know you're not going to get laid.
• 12:43
  So usually I'm saying to the woman, you know, all the times,
• 12:47
  I'm not telling you to be more romantic up telling her to be
• 12:49
  more sexual. This is one for you to be more
• 12:51
  romantic but there you should hear this right from the horse's
• 12:55
  mouth right now. There is no healthy woman.
• 12:57
  That's going to sleep with a man regularly, that is not
• 13:00
  expressing his love within the context of a marriage, really.
• 13:04
  Lee. And so, then sometimes people
• 13:06
  say to me, I we haven't said, I love you like two years.
• 13:08
  Well, shit, how many times have you had sex?
• 13:10
  What? We've only had sex four times?
• 13:12
  Well, that's four more times than you should have.
• 13:14
  In that context, it may be if she was a little bit more
• 13:17
  emotionally healthy and having grown up in whatever shit she
• 13:20
  grew up and she would have said that, well, man, of course,
• 13:22
  we're in a sexless marriage, because we do not say I love you
• 13:25
  to each other because even this, like she cannot express.
• 13:29
  So, for women that are sleeping with men that are not very
• 13:32
  loving, then it should be a wake-up call.
• 13:34
  Do that. Definitely don't do that.
• 13:36
  And I'm a super big proponent of marital sex, but if the guy's
• 13:39
  not saying I love you. Why are you doing that?
• 13:41
  That's just putting yourself in a situation where you feel bad
• 13:44
  about yourself. And that is something that you
• 13:46
  could talk about in therapy for sure.
• 13:48
  You know, why am I still sleeping with this guy?
• 13:50
  That does not express love you know and taking care of the kids
• 13:54
  that are half of your DNA is not expressing love to your wife of
• 13:58
  course nor is cleaning the house.
• 14:00
  That is half your house and so you know what is expressing love
• 14:03
  is expressed Pressing love saying I love you.
• 14:06
  You are the love of my life. I am happy to be with you.
• 14:10
  You are beautiful. You are amazing.
• 14:12
  You are great. I look forward to spending the
• 14:14
  rest of our lives together. You know, you should, you should
• 14:19
  really, you know and of course this is my Facebook group but
• 14:23
  like you should join my Facebook group because the good thing
• 14:26
  about it is it's men and women and so then men could be like I
• 14:30
  said this thing to my wife what should I say instead?
• 14:32
  And women can say the same sort of thing about the whatever
• 14:35
  issues they have and they get real time feedback if you don't
• 14:37
  want to join my Facebook group. Don't know why.
• 14:40
  But you should ask like, I don't know the internet on Google,
• 14:44
  what are romantic things to say to my wife, but were you?
• 14:47
  In my post or you could like just go on like like you know,
• 14:51
  like I always think that men should read books written by
• 14:55
  women with female protagonist. You got to understand that
• 14:59
  empathize with the female experience and understand what's
• 15:01
  important to women. I tried to provide that but it's
• 15:04
  only like a podcast. You really got to be working
• 15:07
  one-on-one with a female therapist.
• 15:09
  You got to be like doing a deep dive into female psychology to
• 15:14
  understand why, it's like so important.
• 15:16
  Oughtn't for her to hear these expressions of love.
• 15:20
  This is how women are. This is what they're trained
• 15:22
  since they're little girls, is to look for a man who says
• 15:25
  things? Like, I love you, my beautiful.
• 15:27
  Girl, you know, I'm so happy to be with you and to build a life
• 15:30
  together. This is the reason whenever all
• 15:33
  these Workhorse guys that make shitloads of money, but they're
• 15:35
  in sexless marriages. Like they, they're always so
• 15:39
  surprised that there are guys who like make no money, barely
• 15:42
  any money, and women are so happy with them.
• 15:44
  Why? Because they're romantic.
• 15:46
  Because they make the woman feel special and it isn't all
• 15:50
  bullshit. Like these cynical Workhorse,
• 15:53
  men think there are very highly sensitive romantic.
• 15:56
  Emotional men out there, you know, they are the same little
• 15:59
  boy that used to cry. If there was like a hurt, you
• 16:02
  know, animal on the sidewalk grow into the men that are being
• 16:06
  very romantic, it's just like a personality type.
• 16:09
  If you don't have that personality type, okay, she
• 16:11
  doesn't have the personality type of a real sexually open
• 16:14
  woman, but you can both learn and do.
• 16:16
  Do better. So if you are not saying I love
• 16:19
  you everyday, start today, start today.
• 16:22
  And if you cannot get those words out of your throat, then
• 16:25
  you really need to go to couples counseling immediately but
• 16:29
  everyday everyday. I love you.
• 16:30
  Everyday in a marriage is Baseline Baseline.
• 16:33
  All right, I hope that you guys got something out of this.
• 16:35
  Please do join my Facebook group.
• 16:37
  If you took that point as relevant, that perhaps you need
• 16:40
  to understand more about the other experience of the other
• 16:42
  gender. I and I will talk to you soon.
• 16:45
  Have a great day.