Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / The Friend Who Broke Me More Than Any Boy Ever Did

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The Friend Who Broke Me More Than Any Boy Ever Did · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apogie production.
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  Speaker 2: I need your advice.
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  Speaker 1: Are you okay what happened?
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  Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much.
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  Speaker 3: Bring it in.
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  Speaker 4: Welcome to our bestie segment.
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  Speaker 2: Girl, this is the place for you.
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  Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to your Tuesday morning, afternoon evening
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  Speaker 1: wherever you're listening to this your bestie Advice segment, where
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: you have sent in an anonymous submission with a sticky situation,
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  Speaker 1: something you just want raw, honest advice with. This is
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  Speaker 1: the kind of advice that we would give each other
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  Speaker 1: if we were stuck in this situation. So take it away, babe.
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  Speaker 4: Hello, lovely ladies, I need some advice on how to
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  Speaker 4: deal with a friend in my life who makes me
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  Speaker 4: feel like fucking shit.
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  Speaker 2: Let's call this girl Holly.
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  Speaker 4: For the purpose of this question, I'll give you some
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  Speaker 4: background details. Holly and I became friends many years ago.
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  Speaker 4: We were only young, and our moms were best friends.
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  Speaker 4: Holly basically feels a part of our family, and as
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  Speaker 4: kids we got on really great.
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  Speaker 2: There were no issues.
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  Speaker 4: We both came from different lifestyles. But during our twenties,
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  Speaker 4: Holly has been really hot and cold. During this time,
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  Speaker 4: she has abused me and some of my family spread rumors,
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  Speaker 4: stop talking to me for two years at times over
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  Speaker 4: little petty things. Then my people pleasing comes in and
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  Speaker 4: I forget the damage that she's caused and I forgive them.
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  Speaker 2: I really don't have the guts to bring up.
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  Speaker 4: My issues with them because they are so nasty and
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  Speaker 4: I just can't be bothered dealing with it again. She
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  Speaker 4: kind of scares me, to be honest, she goes to
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  Speaker 4: deep dark places to hurt someone. Oh, they also know
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  Speaker 4: a lot about me and would have no issues spreading
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  Speaker 4: my personal life. These issues have happened on and off
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  Speaker 4: for ten years now, and the last year I have
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  Speaker 4: felt so much tension with them. They often tell my
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  Speaker 4: other friends things and say don't tell her, and then
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  Speaker 4: that puts them in a really horrible position. She belittles me,
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  Speaker 4: She makes comments on my financial situation, trying to make
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  Speaker 4: herself look better because she owns a house and I don't. Yet, recently,
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  Speaker 4: she has tried to get close with another family member
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  Speaker 4: of mine when we all hang out. She asks them
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  Speaker 4: when they are free so that they hang out. Heaps
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  Speaker 4: on their days off in front of me, and it
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  Speaker 4: makes me so uncomfortable. I barely get spoken to, and
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  Speaker 4: one time I tagged along with another friend and Holly said,
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  Speaker 4: you weren't invited. You're interrupting our date.
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  Speaker 2: What that's wild?
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  Speaker 3: Oh my goodness.
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  Speaker 4: She tried to play it off and act like she
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  Speaker 4: was only mucking around. However, there was some truth behind it.
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  Speaker 4: I don't get invited to events that involve Holly, the boyfriend,
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  Speaker 4: or the kids anymore, but my family does. I am
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  Speaker 4: even nervous writing this in case they think it's about me,
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  Speaker 4: and then they'll come for me. I can't mentally handle
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  Speaker 4: the rejection, feeling left out, not being good enough, being
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  Speaker 4: talked about, and everything else anymore. It's always a competition
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  Speaker 4: with them. She has always had a big opinion on
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  Speaker 4: who I date, what I do, and where I go.
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  Speaker 4: Don't get me wrong, We've had many funny memories together
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  Speaker 4: and it's good times in between. But the bad now
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  Speaker 4: outweighs the good. I feel hurt, I feel betrayed, and
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  Speaker 4: I feel like I don't know how to let them
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  Speaker 4: go in a way that doesn't cause war, stress or conflict.
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  Speaker 2: I am really stuck.
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  Speaker 4: Holly's family members are still close with some of mine,
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  Speaker 4: and I just want to run away so I don't
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  Speaker 4: have to deal with it all.
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  Speaker 2: Please please, please, ash In.
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  Speaker 4: Tiana, give me any advice that will help me move
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  Speaker 4: on from this and heal.
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  Speaker 2: I'm so stuck and lost.
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  Speaker 3: Oh my goodness.
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  Speaker 2: Ah oh, babe, that's so tough.
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  Speaker 3: That is not a real friend.
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  Speaker 2: She's not your friend, babe, actually.
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  Speaker 1: So scared of her, But you're also scared to break
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  Speaker 1: the friendship off because she knows things about you, and
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  Speaker 1: I'm guessing it's things that you wouldn't want people knowing
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  Speaker 1: and sounds like you are also have abandonment wounds, yes,
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  Speaker 1: being rejected and not involved and them leaving you out,
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  Speaker 1: which is so sad.
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  Speaker 4: It's such a hard things. There's so multi layered this
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  Speaker 4: friendship that you have with her, But babe, she's one
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  Speaker 4: hundred percent or your friend, whether it jealousy or her
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  Speaker 4: own internal wounds that she projects onto you and then
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  Speaker 4: takes it out on you. No one should ever call
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  Speaker 4: anybody a friend if they're treating somebody like that.
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  Speaker 1: It just is not right and you should walk away
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  Speaker 1: from your friendships feeling lit up, feeling supported, feeling love,
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  Speaker 1: feeling change in the beautiful safe, like that's any relationship
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  Speaker 1: in your life, Like that's how you should feel and
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  Speaker 1: if you're not feeling like that, it's something's off, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: you know, and it's not aligned and you're not honoring yourself,
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  Speaker 1: like when you keep saying yes, like keeping this friendship there,
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  Speaker 1: you're like rejecting and abandoning yourself. Yeah, and you're in
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  Speaker 1: so much pain now. It's also one of those choos
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  Speaker 1: you're hard moments. It's hard to stay in this friendship
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  Speaker 1: with her. It's also really hard to leave, but which
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  Speaker 1: hard is harder.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I think over long term, this is gonna weigh you down.
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  Speaker 1: You're gonna be so much resentment. It's making you so sad.
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  Speaker 1: It's really consuming mentally.
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  Speaker 4: And this is also something that will impact your sense
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  Speaker 4: of self worth as well, because if you're allowing this
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  Speaker 4: kind of behavior, and I know you don't want to, like,
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  Speaker 4: you don't want to be treated like this.
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  Speaker 2: I know that.
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  Speaker 4: But if you're allowing it, the longer that you allow
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  Speaker 4: it to happen for, the more you'll accumulate stories of like, oh,
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  Speaker 4: I deserve to be treated like this. I deserve to
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  Speaker 4: you know, have somebody question me or speak down to me,
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  Speaker 4: or have a large opinion on what I do and
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  Speaker 4: where I go. You're gonna just like feel like you're
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  Speaker 4: walking on eggshells all the time. And like I get
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  Speaker 4: the whole like being fearful of her maybe leaking your
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  Speaker 4: personal information, but for as long as you allow that
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  Speaker 4: to be something she has over you, you will forever
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  Speaker 4: feel like a victim of actually walking away. And to
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  Speaker 4: be honest, this is how people get stuck in abusive
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  Speaker 4: relationships because in some way you are experiencing mental abuse, right.
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  Speaker 4: It's the internal turmoil of highs and lows and up
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  Speaker 4: and downs and manipulation too telling you that they love you,
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  Speaker 4: but then you know, like treating you differently. It's just
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  Speaker 4: in a friendship sense, you know, And it doesn't make
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  Speaker 4: it acceptable in any way, shape or form.
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  Speaker 3: Oh man, it's it's tough. Yeah.
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  Speaker 4: I think the biggest thing that I would look at
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  Speaker 4: in everything that you shared was looking at how much
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  Speaker 4: the fear of being rejected is actually has a hold
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  Speaker 4: over you, because it sounds like to me like, yes,
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  Speaker 4: you know that the behavior is not right, but a
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  Speaker 4: part of you wants to stay. And so it's like,
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  Speaker 4: what wound are you protecting more than you're choosing yourself?
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  Speaker 3: What are you benefiting from staying? Yeah?
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  Speaker 4: Sure, which is not being abandoned, right, not being abandoned,
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  Speaker 4: not being rejected, not being left out, not feeling like
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  Speaker 4: you're getting fomo or feeling like an outcast, yeah, feeling
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  Speaker 4: like they don't accept you.
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  Speaker 1: You don't want to start normalizing this, And I feel
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  Speaker 1: like the longer you put up with something and allow
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  Speaker 1: something in your life, the more it starts to become normal.
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  Speaker 1: You actually then don't even question it as much as
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  Speaker 1: if you were to step into a new friendship that
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  Speaker 1: just you make you feel so alive and so supported
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  Speaker 1: and safe and loved, it would really highlight it for you.
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  Speaker 1: But right now this is becoming quite normal for you. You
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  Speaker 1: know what?
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  Speaker 2: That's so true as well.
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  Speaker 4: And you know what's cool is when you look at
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  Speaker 4: the way that you treat people in friendships, because I
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  Speaker 4: can guarantee by the sounds of it, you're a very loving,
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  Speaker 4: genuine friend who's very soft and kind and all the things.
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  Speaker 4: Would you even consider doing any of the things that
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  Speaker 4: she's done?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah?
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  Speaker 4: And if the answer is no, that's your standard. Your
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  Speaker 4: standard is how you treat others you expect to be
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  Speaker 4: treated back. So if it doesn't mirror that, you are
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  Speaker 4: allowed to walk away. You are allowed to create temporary conflict,
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  Speaker 4: because no amount of conflict is going to be worse
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  Speaker 4: than you abandoning yourself to say here.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know if you have children or not,
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  Speaker 1: but I think for me having kids now too, Like
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  Speaker 1: I think my kids are watching everything. So if I
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  Speaker 1: was to just allow someone to treat me with disrespect
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  Speaker 1: or not treat me with love and kindness, like, I
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  Speaker 1: want them to see that it's okay to walk away,
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  Speaker 1: and like you can do that in a kind, respectful
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  Speaker 1: way to them and to yourself. But I would never
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  Speaker 1: want to stay in a relationship or a friendship that
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  Speaker 1: wasn't respectful and mutually beneficial and made us both feel good,
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  Speaker 1: and for my kids to think that's normal. And just
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  Speaker 1: because you be friends of ages, you have to stay
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  Speaker 1: friends with them. It's such an old way of thinking
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  Speaker 1: of you've got to stay in a marriage because you've
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  Speaker 1: had got vows to each other, or oh, we've known
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  Speaker 1: each other since we were primary school, so of course
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  Speaker 1: I have to invite her to my wedding.
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  Speaker 2: She was my oldest friend.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, like I can't abandon her now. It's like time
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  Speaker 1: does not equal successful relationships. If you've been with someone
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  Speaker 1: like a friendship or a partner for forty years and
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  Speaker 1: you're still together and still friends or you know, married,
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  Speaker 1: but you're miserable and you feel shit around them. That
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  Speaker 1: is not successful, that's awful. It's a life way too short,
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  Speaker 1: like tomorrow is not promised, Like you don't want to
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  Speaker 1: get to eighty years old and look back and go, oh,
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  Speaker 1: why the fuck did I put up with that for
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  Speaker 1: so long? And let me ask you this, if you
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  Speaker 1: had another friend come to you and say, hey, got
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  Speaker 1: this best friend. We're friends for ages, but she makes
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  Speaker 1: you feel like shit, Like I am so upset when
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  Speaker 1: I'm around her. I don't ever feel good, Like what
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  Speaker 1: do you think I should do? What advice would you
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  Speaker 1: give her? Would you say to her, Oh, girl, just
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  Speaker 1: put up with it. That's all you deserve. You're not
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  Speaker 1: going to get any better. Stay she's your oldest friend.
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  Speaker 1: Just what do you mean friend? Or would you say
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  Speaker 1: you deserve better, babe? Like you can find friendships make
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  Speaker 1: you feel so alive and safe and loved, Like what
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  Speaker 1: would you tell her? You need to give yourself that
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  Speaker 1: same advice and that same respect and make changes like
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  Speaker 1: you don't deserve this. By the sounds of it's not
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  Speaker 1: going to change. I also, I'm curious if you've tried
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  Speaker 1: to have the hard conversations.
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  Speaker 3: Of how this makes you feel. I don't know if
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  Speaker 3: she'd be open to it.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, sounds like a bit of an unsafe friend.
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  Speaker 3: If you all.
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  Speaker 1: Experienced that, Well, you can't actually communicate because you know
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: they're going to react in a way or they're going
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  Speaker 1: a gaslight. You'll blame your make you feel like you're crazy.
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  Speaker 1: See you're too emotional or too much whatever we've all experienced.
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  Speaker 1: That's I feel for you, But that's also something you
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  Speaker 1: could explore. But I think this friendship it's time to
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  Speaker 1: close a chapter.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, goodbye, good bye and a goodbye. And you know what,
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  Speaker 4: you don't need to feel guilty about it either, because
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  Speaker 4: the reason being is, yes, you may have known her
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  Speaker 4: for a really long time. And it's not to say
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  Speaker 4: that you're not going to feel guilty, because you might
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  Speaker 4: because you care, right, But you don't need to feel
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  Speaker 4: bad about it because the disrespect is so loud.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, the disrespect is the closure. Goodbye.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you deserve better, babe, you deserve better.
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: One hundred percent love an update.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: We would love an update.
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  Speaker 3: Let us know how you go what you decide to do.
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  Speaker 4: Also, we're super sorry that this is what you're going
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  Speaker 4: through because friendship stuff is really hard and we both
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  Speaker 4: firsthand experienced a lot of friendship breakdowns and painful things
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  Speaker 4: that have happened with friends, and it's really heartbreaking.
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  Speaker 1: And I wish you say that like once you leave,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: it goes away, but it doesn't. There's triggers, there's hurt.
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  Speaker 1: Your heart hurts. Yeah, it's like a different breakup to
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: an intimate relationship, but it's still a breakup. It's still grief.
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  Speaker 1: It's still something you think about. You get treated, and
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: you have to sit with those uncomfortable feelings and move
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  Speaker 1: through them. But I do promise you, over time it
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: hurts less and less or like you know a womb
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  Speaker 1: that feels like it's bleeding, it's just like a little scratch.
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  Speaker 1: We literally had something last night where I was like, wow,
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: they just scratched a womb, Like it's not going to
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  Speaker 1: consume my day anymore. Yeah, but it scratched the wound
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  Speaker 1: of Like, oh that hurts, you know.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, absolutely, And on top of that, better people will come.
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  Speaker 1: Oh when you close one door, it creates more space.
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  Speaker 1: People that are so alive.
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  Speaker 2: It does.
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  Speaker 4: But first, before you can open those new doors, you
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  Speaker 4: have got to be willing to let go of what
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  Speaker 4: you're holding onto, which is this really underligned friendship. Because
• 10:39
  Speaker 4: right now, think about all of this relationship is taking
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  Speaker 4: up so much your mental capacity. You wouldn't even have
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  Speaker 4: energetic capacity to invite a new friend in. You don't
• 10:47
  Speaker 4: have space for good because you're actually entertaining the stuff
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  Speaker 4: that actually doesn't feel good. Still, So when you can
• 10:52
  Speaker 4: let go, and you be willing to let go, not
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  Speaker 4: knowing what the future holds, I promise you there will
• 10:56
  Speaker 4: be more people who come who are just like you,
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  Speaker 4: who love on you, who make you feel safe, and
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  Speaker 4: you can do that to them in return.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: Being quite a low vibration right now, Like yeah, in
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: that vibration, you're going to attract more of that. You
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: can remove yourself from that environment and lift your state up.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: You will attract more people on the same vibration as you. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: that is real, and then that's all right. Yeah, nothing changes,
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: Nothing changes. Change is going to start with you, unfortunately.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, you've got this, babe, You've got this. You
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: can do hard things. You can do hard things.
• 11:23
  Speaker 4: One you can yeah, yeah, let ever know how you go.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: Okay an update having on you by Babe Bye,