Latest / Daily Influence / 694. Connection Over Control: What SWAT Negotiation Teaches About Responsible Influence
Transcript
- 0:10[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to Daily Influence, your daily dose of positive influence.
- 0:14[SPEAKER_01]: I'm Brian Smith founder of IA Business Advisors and co-author of the Iain team series.
- 0:19[SPEAKER_01]: Each day we share stories and insights to help you find be and build your influence in a positive and responsible way.
- 0:27[SPEAKER_02]: And I'm Greg Clino, partner at IA Business Advisors, and co-host of Daily Influence.
- 0:32[SPEAKER_02]: Be sure to follow, subscribe, and share Daily Influence with someone who could use a little extra positivity today.
- 0:39[SPEAKER_02]: And make us part of your daily routine, whether it's during your commute, on a walk, or an quiet moment just for you, because you're influenced matters.
- 0:48[SPEAKER_02]: Welcome to Daily Influence, I'm Grecollino.
- 0:50[SPEAKER_02]: Today's guest brings a rare and powerful perspective on leadership and influence.
- 0:56[SPEAKER_02]: One forged, not in theory, but in moments where words quite literally mattered most.
- 1:03[SPEAKER_02]: Scott's Nlamma is an FBI trained hostage negotiator, SWAT crisis negotiator, and a senior law enforcement leader with more than two decades of experience navigating high-stakes communications.
- 1:17[SPEAKER_02]: Trained at Harvard Law School's program on negotiation, Scott has advised Fortune 500 companies, healthcare organizations, government agencies, and global associations on how to build trust,
- 1:31[SPEAKER_02]: resolve conflict and leave decisively under pressure.
- 1:35[SPEAKER_02]: His TEDx talk on negotiation has reached over 1 million viewers worldwide, and his insights have been featured in Newsweek in tap leadership broadcast.
- 1:46[SPEAKER_02]: What makes Scott especially compelling is his ability to translate life-and-death negotiation strategies into practical lessons for everyday leadership, teamwork, and responsible influence.
- 1:59[SPEAKER_02]: Scott, welcome to daily influence.
- 2:01[SPEAKER_02]: We're so glad to have you join us.
- 2:03[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, Greg, and hello to the audience.
- 2:05[SPEAKER_00]: Great to be with you.
- 2:06[SPEAKER_02]: Scott, can you share a bit about your background and what led you to where you are today with our listeners?
- 2:11[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I've got a bit of an interesting journey.
- 2:13[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm originally from Wisconsin, grew up in Milwaukee, went to school in Madison.
- 2:17[SPEAKER_00]: I studied behavioral science and psychology, and I wanted to get in the law enforcement.
- 2:22[SPEAKER_00]: And with a background in psychology and behavioral science,
- 2:25[SPEAKER_00]: It's not exactly on par with having a career writing speeding tickets.
- 2:30[SPEAKER_00]: So I was drawn to the idea of working as a hostage negotiator, connecting with people in these intense moments of crisis and using verbal influence to try to move their behavior to get them to a safe and peaceful resolution.
- 2:46[SPEAKER_00]: And I was lucky to have served for many years on a regional SWAT team serving the Chicago area.
- 2:52[SPEAKER_00]: And for sure, one of the highlights of my career, and then I got promoted up into the leadership ranks and law enforcement near the back into my career.
- 3:00[SPEAKER_00]: But things took a turn in 2016 when I was invited to give a TED Talk about my work as a hostage negotiator.
- 3:06[SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of people across the world watched this TED Talk, and I started getting an invitation to speak at different events.
- 3:13[SPEAKER_00]: And I realized that you could get paid to be a speaker.
- 3:18[SPEAKER_00]: So once I completed 20 years of law enforcement and the Chicago suburbs, I transitioned into full-time professional speaking, teaching and corporate training.
- 3:28[SPEAKER_00]: And that brings us to where we are today.
- 3:30[SPEAKER_00]: I travel the world, speaking with organizations and associations, teaching them how to be powerful communicators and influential leaders.
- 3:39[SPEAKER_00]: Using the same techniques that we use in hostage and crisis negotiation.
- 3:43[SPEAKER_02]: And that's amazing.
- 3:44[SPEAKER_02]: One of the core ideas in the 19 series is that leadership starts with self-awareness and understanding how we show up before we can influence others.
- 3:53[SPEAKER_02]: Do your mindset and emotional control can shape outcomes instantly?
- 3:57[SPEAKER_02]: How did these experiences sharpen your awareness of your own influence?
- 4:02[SPEAKER_02]: And how do you see that translating into business and team leadership today?
- 4:06[SPEAKER_00]: A couple of things come to mind, but first and foremost, you have to manage yourself first.
- 4:12[SPEAKER_00]: So many people want to influence others, control somebody else, or take this powerful leadership position, yet they're not managing themselves.
- 4:21[SPEAKER_00]: They have almost this blissful ignorance, completely unaware of their own person, in fact, or how other people experience them.
- 4:34[SPEAKER_00]: influence somebody else if I'm not managing myself first.
- 4:38[SPEAKER_00]: So particularly with leaders who are going to be having tough conversations, which is the core skill of being a leader, being a powerful communicator.
- 4:49[SPEAKER_00]: When we're having these tough conversations, if we're not managing ourselves, and by that, I mean, the delivery, not what you say, but how you say it, are you controlling the rate, the rhythm, the pressure, the volume, the tone of what you say, because all of these things just little adjustments can make for a completely different interpretation of something that I mean to say.
- 5:09[SPEAKER_00]: So mastering the delivery is a big powerful piece that hostage negotiators are taught that we are performing this under pressure under intense stress.
- 5:18[SPEAKER_00]: And if we're not in control of us, we're not going to be able to control a situation.
- 5:24[SPEAKER_00]: But also another big piece is it takes courage to have these tough conversations.
- 5:29[SPEAKER_00]: If you're going to be a leader and you're going to be called to give feedback or put somebody on a PIP and somebody to EAP, these are not easy conversations.
- 5:38[SPEAKER_00]: So it's going to take courage to do that.
- 5:40[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes people are afraid to step into that conversation, maybe they're afraid to damage the relationship or come off as unlikable.
- 5:50[SPEAKER_00]: But again, what is our goal and being a leader?
- 5:52[SPEAKER_00]: Is it to be like or is it to be leading a successful team, a successful organization?
- 5:58[SPEAKER_00]: So I think if we start putting the pieces together that is going to take courage to have these conversations.
- 6:03[SPEAKER_00]: So this is a choice I'm going to make.
- 6:05[SPEAKER_00]: And then I'm going to have this mindset of manage myself first.
- 6:09[SPEAKER_00]: Now, I'm much better prepared to show up at the table and be an effective negotiator.
- 6:13[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, that is so true.
- 6:15[SPEAKER_02]: And, you know, the responsible influence is not just about authority.
- 6:19[SPEAKER_02]: It's about impact, especially when others are vulnerable.
- 6:23[SPEAKER_02]: Can you tell us about a moment or experience where you felt you made a positive impact on someone's life and what that experience taught you about trust, responsibility, and leadership?
- 6:32[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I don't know that in the moments of swat negotiations that the person I'm talking with who's in crisis looks at it and says, man, this person's really making a positive impact in my life, but I know that.
- 6:46[SPEAKER_00]: There aren't really good choices.
- 6:49[SPEAKER_00]: Hopefully they do the things we need them to do, so we can get out of it peacefully and safely.
- 6:55[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes that means going to the hospital, sometimes that means going to jail.
- 6:59[SPEAKER_00]: So at the time it may not look like that, but I hope that in a retro spec, some of these folks can reflect and say, man, this was a really bad day for me.
- 7:08[SPEAKER_00]: And thankfully, somebody cared enough about me to connect with me in this moment of crisis to really guide me through that.
- 7:15[SPEAKER_00]: and another really cool thing that I got to do is I volunteered on the crisis text line.
- 7:21[SPEAKER_00]: If anybody's not familiar with this, check out 741-741.
- 7:25[SPEAKER_00]: You can send a text message to this number right now and be connected with a crisis counselor who can help you in these moments of crisis.
- 7:32[SPEAKER_00]: And I served as a crisis counselor for a long time with crisis tax line.
- 7:37[SPEAKER_00]: And here's where you really connect with somebody.
- 7:39[SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of times it's younger people sometimes it's more mature people texting in, just saying, hey, I'm really going through whatever this is.
- 7:46[SPEAKER_00]: And you have these one-on-one conversations.
- 7:49[SPEAKER_00]: And I found that serving somebody in these dark moments and these dark chapters can be so powerful because we remember that when we're struggling.
- 7:59[SPEAKER_00]: personally with whatever it might be.
- 8:01[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't get this promotion.
- 8:03[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't get this job.
- 8:04[SPEAKER_00]: I've just lost a family member of friend in these tough times.
- 8:08[SPEAKER_00]: You remember these moments of connection when somebody reaches out their hand for you when you really need it most, that's a powerful connection.
- 8:15[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, that's what positive response will influence is all about and that idea of trust shows up repeatedly in our books and our
- 8:29[SPEAKER_02]: through consistency and intention.
- 8:31[SPEAKER_02]: And in your work, persuasion often means influencing outcomes without coercion.
- 8:37[SPEAKER_02]: How can leaders apply those same principles to create alignment and collaboration within their teams rather than compliance?
- 8:45[SPEAKER_00]: by understanding the principles of influence.
- 8:49[SPEAKER_00]: It's probably a good start and I think the book on this is titled Influence the Psychology of Persuasion Written by Robert Sheldini.
- 8:57[SPEAKER_00]: So anybody in the business of leadership is in the business of influence.
- 9:01[SPEAKER_00]: And it's more than just asking nicely.
- 9:04[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, please and I'll thank you.
- 9:05[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, sir.
- 9:06[SPEAKER_00]: No, man, things like this.
- 9:07[SPEAKER_00]: I think that it goes deeper than that to understand the drivers of behavior.
- 9:11[SPEAKER_00]: So if you want to get into understanding influence, that book would be a great place to start to talk about these six principles of influence.
- 9:18[SPEAKER_00]: But I think in the workplace, in the professional place, a couple of things that jump out to me on how we can have influence or maybe
- 9:27[SPEAKER_00]: where we see some detachment from people is number one when people feel that they're being treated unfairly all of a sudden we have a big gap here that people just want to be treated fairly and in some of my seminars I'll do an example of this to highlight when we feel we are treated unfairly we make really bad decisions and to highlight for people we are emotional creatures people think
- 9:54[SPEAKER_00]: And I can prove very quickly that a majority of us in the room are really not functioning there, that we're just emotional beings.
- 10:01[SPEAKER_00]: So when people feel that somehow this work, this situation, this relationship is unfair, now we start to see that disengagement.
- 10:09[SPEAKER_00]: And if we want influence begins with connection, and if we want connection begins with a dialogue, so we're going to work through this process of we have a dialogue communication which leads to connection which gets us to influence which is where we want to go as leaders.
- 10:24[SPEAKER_00]: So I think working on fairness is a big one working on autonomy is a big one.
- 10:30[SPEAKER_00]: Having empathy, understanding how somebody else sees it, and extending appreciation for people is such a powerful piece that we can offer them that has really been shown that it increases people's engagement level in the workplace.
- 10:46[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and always remembering that people are we're influencing people all the time.
- 10:53[SPEAKER_02]: Even if it's in a quiet moment and people are around, you're influencing them.
- 10:57[SPEAKER_02]: And many of our listeners are leaders who didn't start out with a roadbap.
- 11:03[SPEAKER_02]: They learn through experience.
- 11:05[SPEAKER_02]: If you can go back and offer your younger self advice, what would you share and how might that guidance help others who are early in their leadership or life journey today?
- 11:16[SPEAKER_00]: There are so many lessons that I've learned along the way,
- 11:23[SPEAKER_00]: And I would offer that to my younger self and I would offer that to myself still today as I struggle with just trying to be efficient get it done quickly and I think that so many people are playing this game where we just have to go too quickly and sometimes we make mistakes when we rush and it's not about you know slowing down just to be kind just to create that connection, but we need to make sure we understand the problem if we're going to try to solve it.
- 11:49[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll do an exercise in my training classes where people just kind of take a look at something and they miss a really obvious piece that when we go back and allow them to study this for a moment, it's completely obvious.
- 12:02[SPEAKER_00]: And I challenge them to say, this is how we treat our difficult conversations.
- 12:06[SPEAKER_00]: that we're just trying to rush through it because we're either anxious, we're afraid, you know, as a problem for us, we're concerned it might be a problem for them.
- 12:16[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that if we can be a little bit more patient and just take the time, sometimes allowing someone to be heard, has solved a lot of problems for me.
- 12:26[SPEAKER_00]: As a law enforcement supervisor, people would come in frequently with a complaint, people don't like to get speeding tickets, people don't like to get arrested, they're complaining about something and just to hear what they have to say in these moments of crisis when they're really upset, so I was about half my problems and I think that
- 12:43[SPEAKER_00]: People are just so grateful that someone took the time to care.
- 12:47[SPEAKER_00]: Someone took the time to listen.
- 12:49[SPEAKER_00]: Especially in today's society where everything's fast, customer service is automated.
- 12:54[SPEAKER_00]: Pick any one of your major companies and you send it to customer service.
- 12:57[SPEAKER_00]: You just get back some automated canned thing.
- 12:59[SPEAKER_00]: Nobody seems to care about you.
- 13:02[SPEAKER_00]: And if you get someone who's going to take time slow down and listen to what you have to say, man.
- 13:07[SPEAKER_00]: That's a powerful thing.
- 13:08[SPEAKER_00]: Now we multiply that in a relationship personal or business over weeks, over months, over years.
- 13:14[SPEAKER_00]: Think of how much more positively impactful you can be if we just take some time to slow down.
- 13:20[SPEAKER_02]: So true.
- 13:22[SPEAKER_02]: I call it slowing down to speed up.
- 13:25[SPEAKER_00]: like that.
- 13:25[SPEAKER_02]: If you really take the time to slow down, you make last mistakes, right?
- 13:31[SPEAKER_02]: You communicate better if you could slow down.
- 13:33[SPEAKER_02]: Everything is just so much better just by slowing down and in a fast-paced society, it's hard to do.
- 13:39[SPEAKER_02]: Do you have any tricks on how to slow down?
- 13:42[SPEAKER_00]: I think breathing is a big one.
- 13:45[SPEAKER_00]: And one thing that stood out to me, we've been taught this tactical breathing or box breathing, people who are in a mindfulness kind of understand this idea that in for the count of four, hold for the count of four, out for the count of four, hold for the count of four.
- 13:57[SPEAKER_00]: This is what's taught to high profile operators to fighter pilots, to SWAT teams, to help bring the thinking back when we're in this fighter flight response,
- 14:07[SPEAKER_00]: where it's very instinctive processing just to bring some oxygen back and slow it down.
- 14:13[SPEAKER_00]: And this has been taught to us for a number of years.
- 14:16[SPEAKER_00]: But there was an incident once where we were responding to calls of an active shooter at a major suburban shopping mall in the Chicago area.
- 14:25[SPEAKER_00]: And the dispatches were clear.
- 14:26[SPEAKER_00]: This is not one call.
- 14:27[SPEAKER_00]: We are getting dozens of 911 calls for an active shooter in this mall all units respond.
- 14:35[SPEAKER_00]: And at the time I was at the rank of Lieutenant, which means that I'm going to be in charge of something if something's going down.
- 14:41[SPEAKER_00]: So I remember jumping in a car with three tactical officers and we were racing up there.
- 14:46[SPEAKER_00]: And I knew that we had supervisors going there, but I also knew that once I get there, my role is to be a leader.
- 14:53[SPEAKER_00]: And I just immediately instinctively kicked into this box of breathing, as I'm listening to the radio chatter, then it was nice because I wasn't driving the car so I could multitask here a little bit more, but it allowed me to really think what needs to be done when we get there.
- 15:09[SPEAKER_00]: What are the priorities and understanding who else is coming, what assets do we have immediately and going through some of the checklist of things that we need to do?
- 15:18[SPEAKER_00]: and it was it turned out not to be an active shooter as a guy that just drove his car crashing into these stores and these big plate glass windows are coming down so probably sounded like an active shooter and people were doing the run hide fight.
- 15:31[SPEAKER_00]: They were you know hunkering down and fleeing and it was a mess and within 20 minutes it was national news and one of the commanders on scene told me hey we're we're giving you the okay to go to the media and give a statement if that's needed
- 15:47[SPEAKER_00]: So this idea of let me start breathing to manage myself first so I can think and make good decisions even under stress and pressure.
- 15:58[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, that's really good advice.
- 16:00[SPEAKER_02]: Thanks for sharing that, Scott.
- 16:01[SPEAKER_02]: One of the strongest themes in our ing teen series is the idea that leadership is lived daily not reserved for titles or corner offices.
- 16:10[SPEAKER_02]: What are some small, intentional actions leaders can take every day to model positive and responsible influence, especially during moments of stress or conflict or uncertainty?
- 16:20[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think that these moments happen before these moments of stress and uncertainty.
- 16:25[SPEAKER_00]: It's the regular check-in.
- 16:27[SPEAKER_00]: It's these two-minute conversations.
- 16:30[SPEAKER_00]: When I teach the skills of active listening, that the FBI teaches their negotiators, we'll do one-on-one exercises with leaders, and we're going through some of these eight skills of active listening, and in these one-to-one, they have two minutes.
- 16:42[SPEAKER_00]: And one person talks for two minutes will give him something to talk about.
- 16:46[SPEAKER_00]: And the other person practices a couple of these active listening skills.
- 16:50[SPEAKER_00]: And without question, every time we ask at the end of the scenario, we say, is there a bond?
- 16:56[SPEAKER_00]: Is there a connection with this partner that you were working with?
- 16:59[SPEAKER_00]: That might not have been there five minutes ago.
- 17:02[SPEAKER_00]: And almost universally across every classroom, everybody's saying, yes, and I said, now this is just two minutes of listening.
- 17:09[SPEAKER_00]: Your whole job is to listen.
- 17:11[SPEAKER_00]: Now, are we doing this in the workplace, or are we too busy going through the task of the day sending the emails working from where I'm at?
- 17:19[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that another piece of this is being strategic in how we choose to communicate and it's different to sit with someone and listen than to I listen over an email or I communicate it with them in text message.
- 17:32[SPEAKER_00]: And
- 17:33[SPEAKER_00]: I think that we default, particularly the busy leaders, we default to whatever communication is easiest or most efficient.
- 17:41[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes that's email, when really we need to start defaulting to whatever is most strategic to get done what we want to get done and maybe that's relationship building, maybe it's signing the contract, maybe it's whatever our goal for the day is.
- 17:55[SPEAKER_00]: Are we being thoughtful and how we choose to communicate?
- 17:58[SPEAKER_00]: And we're going to default to whatever diseases, but we also default to how somebody else starts.
- 18:03[SPEAKER_00]: If somebody else calls me, I'm going to be talking on the phone, you text me, I text back, you send an email, I email you back, and we're not being smart about how we should be communicating.
- 18:12[SPEAKER_00]: So let's be thoughtful and how we choose to communicate and take these two minutes daily, weekly, and sit with somebody, sit with someone on our team, and build that relationship, show that you care.
- 18:28[SPEAKER_00]: The instinctive thought in the other person is, this leader knows me and cares about me.
- 18:34[SPEAKER_00]: They're not just showing up, they're not going to be punitive, they're not punishing me.
- 18:38[SPEAKER_00]: We have a standing relationship.
- 18:40[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes that benefit of the doubt is a huge piece in allowing us to find success down the road.
- 18:46[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, that is such great advice.
- 18:48[SPEAKER_02]: So much gets lost in translation when you're replying to emails or text messages versus picking up the phone or jumping on a team's or a Zoom call or going seeing someone in person if you can to actually have that face to face conversation to solve the, whatever it is.
- 19:05[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
- 19:06[SPEAKER_02]: Now, that's really good advice.
- 19:07[SPEAKER_02]: Scott, as we wrap up, what message are words of encouragement?
- 19:11[SPEAKER_02]: Would you like to share with our listeners who aspire to make a positive difference in the world through how they lead, communicate, and show up for others?
- 19:19[SPEAKER_00]: We all have the ability to be powerful, verbal influencers, all of us.
- 19:24[SPEAKER_00]: And I know that because as a kid, I wasn't
- 19:28[SPEAKER_00]: very charismatic.
- 19:29[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't very good at communication.
- 19:31[SPEAKER_00]: I was kind of shy.
- 19:32[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't have this as a natural skill to be able to stand on a stage in front of a thousand people and confidently convey a powerful keynote or get on the phone with the SWAT team and be trusted to be the person to get out of a life or death situation.
- 19:50[SPEAKER_00]: These are skills that I've learned through my education, through my experience.
- 19:54[SPEAKER_00]: If I can do it, anybody listening can do it right now.
- 19:58[SPEAKER_00]: So depending on where you're at in the journey, maybe you're really good in your down the road.
- 20:02[SPEAKER_00]: My hope is just this conversation can give you one or two things that pushes you toward excellence.
- 20:07[SPEAKER_00]: And if you are getting started, remember this, you are worthy to be part of this conversation.
- 20:12[SPEAKER_00]: You belong here too.
- 20:14[SPEAKER_00]: Don't give up on this.
- 20:15[SPEAKER_00]: Don't say this is beyond me.
- 20:17[SPEAKER_00]: Just keep taking those steps in the dark times, turn that page, the next chapter is coming.
- 20:22[SPEAKER_02]: That's great advice, Scott.
- 20:24[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for sharing your insight and your experiences and your perspective with us.
- 20:29[SPEAKER_02]: Your work is a powerful reminder that influence isn't about control.
- 20:33[SPEAKER_02]: It's about connection, responsibility, and choosing your words and actions with intentions.
- 20:39[SPEAKER_02]: If our listeners want to get in touch with you, what is the best way to do so?
- 20:43[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
- 20:43[SPEAKER_00]: I'm very active on LinkedIn.
- 20:44[SPEAKER_00]: If you're on LinkedIn, please send over a connection request and say hello.
- 20:48[SPEAKER_00]: You can also find me at ScottTilima.com, which is the central piece for all of my speaking and my work today.
- 20:54[SPEAKER_00]: But say hello on LinkedIn.
- 20:55[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a real person.
- 20:56[SPEAKER_00]: I managed my own social media would love to connect.
- 20:58[SPEAKER_02]: I can attest to you as a real person.
- 21:00[SPEAKER_02]: Scott, we'll put all this information in the show notes.
- 21:02[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you so much for joining us and sharing your stories and advice.
- 21:06[SPEAKER_02]: I'm so grateful for you, Scott.
- 21:08[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for having me.
- 21:09[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
- 21:10[SPEAKER_02]: And to our listeners, if today's conversation resonated with you, we encourage you to reflect on how your influence shows up at work, at home and in your community, because leadership isn't about the role that you hold, it's about the impact you make.
- 21:23[SPEAKER_02]: And if today's conversation brought you inside an inspiration, share with someone who could use a little positivity today.
- 21:29[SPEAKER_02]: Remember small actions create big impact, keep showing up, leading, and growing one data time.
- 21:35[SPEAKER_02]: Until next time, keep having a positive, responsible influence.