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Becoming Anchored S1E8: Making Meaning of Pain and Suffering with Beth Barcus · Becoming Anchored

0:00
Hi everyone, my name is Laura Dineen and I am here with the lovely Beth
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Barkis from Porter's Call and y'all I am so excited for this episode today.
0:13
So welcome to the Becoming Anchored podcast.
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My co host Lauren Jackson is not with us today, um, but she says hi and I
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know that she just adores Beth as well.
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Um, so yeah, I'm so excited for this podcast with Beth.
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Welcome Beth.
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Thank you, Laura.
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Thank you for asking.
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Yeah.
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So Beth is a dear, first and foremost, dear friend and colleague.
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Um, her official title is executive director with Porter's Call.
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And so Beth, I'll let you share a little bit more in a minute about, um, the
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mission and purpose of Porter's Call.
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Um, but for those of you who might be new to the podcast, Becoming
0:52
Anchored was, was really just an idea that Lauren had about a year ago.
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And she came to me and.
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And we really just wanted to start this podcast as a way to reach more people.
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And so the purpose of this podcast is twofold.
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First and foremost, we are human beings with you all just here to
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really ride the waves of life.
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So that is the ups and downs of life.
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And we're humans first and foremost.
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Um, and then the second purpose of this podcast is.
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of our therapeutic stories and wisdom.
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So Lauren and I have the gift of, of sitting with clients weekend and week
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out, and we just, we love this work.
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And so we wanted to share some of the stories and some of
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our life experiences as well.
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Um, a quick disclaimer, this is not therapy.
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If you are in the state of Tennessee, we would love.
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Um, so if you're local, we would love to see you, if not, please reach
1:54
out to someone local in your area.
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So the topic for today's episode is going to be making
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meaning of pain and suffering.
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And so Beth is just a wealth of wisdom.
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And I'm so excited to learn from you today, Beth, on this.
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And just to, just to have like minded souls together on this
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podcast is going to be such a gift.
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Um, but yeah, Beth, I would love for you to share with our audience a little
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bit more about your background, about the work that you do, um, before we
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really dive into this topic of making meaning from our pain and suffering.
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Sure, sure.
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So I always lead with, um, I'm a mom, a mom of three.
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I can't believe it.
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I have two, I have twins.
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Two 21 year olds that are graduating college this year, which is mind blowing.
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Thank you.
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And then I have a 17 year old, so I have boy girl twins and then a 17 year old son.
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I've been married to my husband for 26 and a half years.
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I've known him about 28 years, I guess 29 maybe.
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And, um, and It's just been a great joy.
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I've lived in the Franklin community in Tennessee, uh, just south of
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Nashville for pretty much my whole adult life after I graduated.
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Um, started at Porter's Call, uh, about, I'm going into my 14th year,
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which is, crazy to, to think about.
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Um, it has flown by and is truly the place that I want to retire.
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I just don't see myself going anywhere else or doing anything else other
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than this work, because it is so meaningful, so powerful and such a gift.
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I learn every day from those I get to see.
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So, uh, started 14 years ago at Porter's Call and, um, essentially
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my background prior to coming to Porter's Call, I was working in.
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The spaces of kind of like crisis intervention care and counsel and always
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within the nonprofit sector So I knew I wanted to go back to school And really
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get further training in those spaces to be equipped To care well for those that
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I was meeting with and the people I was meeting with before I got my master's
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what I loved about it is we did provide counsel and care for free of charge.
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And so, uh, I knew when I after I got my master's that
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I wanted to do a similar work.
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I said, I just really want to be able to provide services without a
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transactional exchange, even though I know there's so much importance to
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people having some skin in the game.
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Um, but I, I just.
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really, really called to the spaces of people that might have been
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underserved or marginalized and not able to have access, uh, to proper care.
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So, um, in thinking through that, I was like, wow, you know, I know
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of this place called Porter's call.
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It had been in existence for about 10 years at this point.
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And I knew about it because my husband's been in the music industry
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the whole time I've known him.
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So he's a, almost, And, uh, Porter's Call is specifically designed for the creative.
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And so, those that we meet are artists, touring and recording music artists,
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and their partners, or spouses.
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And so, essentially, we, uh, offer care for them, support and
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encouragement because their career is super unique, very, all, all careers
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can have challenges, but there's something about living in a glass
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bowl, so to speak, having a platform.
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Um, and having to look like they have it all together and yet, uh, you know, they,
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they have all the temptations that the rest of us have and very little time and
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energy to be able to pour into themselves.
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Often they're pouring out a lot.
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So, I just reached out to Porter's Call because we've loved, we
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loved Al Andrews and his wife Nita, who founded Porter's Call.
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And I just felt like this was such a great hybrid between my heart, my
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husband's passion, which is he works with artists, you know, at a record label.
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And, uh, and my passion, which is to provide care and counsel and
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encouragement, uh, without, you know, a transactional exchange.
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So it was this perfect mixture.
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Um, I don't have a music background.
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You do not want me to sing.
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Trust me.
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You do not want me to sing.
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Um, and, but it, I believe that the creative, uh, that creative and healthy
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artists can put healthy art into the world then has this ripple effect.
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So, um, To make a very long story short, a porter is what we call ourselves.
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Um, we call ourselves porters because even though we have training in the mental
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health space, we operate as porters, which is, uh, based off and modeled
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after the early Benedictine monasteries.
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There was a lay person, so they weren't a part of the monastic
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community, but they were a lay person.
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And their job was to just to live within the gates.
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of the monastery, and they had a door that was almost always cracked open.
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So it's the open door is our logo, and a sojourner who was weary would knock on
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the door of the porters inside the gates of the monastery on the porter's door,
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and they would knock on the door, When they were weary, they, they could have
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had wounds that needed binding, they could have needed prayer, they could have needed
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food, a place to sleep, um, and basically the porter would call out a blessing,
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which is why we call it Porter's Call, and they would invite the visitor in.
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They would practice hospitality, that was their job, and to help
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them get to what they needed.
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And so that's what we do at Porter's Call.
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We don't call ourselves therapists, we don't call ourselves counselors, even
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though our training is in those areas.
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spaces.
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Uh, we really operate as a porter.
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We practice hospitality, we offer guidance and we help them get to what they need.
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And so as a co executive director and as a porter, uh, I get to
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help people get to what they need.
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We provide a home, you know, we're inside of a home in downtown Franklin.
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We, uh, we really like to say you're a part of the Porter's Call family.
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So we enter into spaces that, um, that are a little more unique,
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but really good for the client.
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Uh, and so we might go to an album release party if they ask us to, we might go to
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their wedding or their, a baby shower or birthday party because they, if that is
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what they're desiring and it helps them in their healing process, we will do so.
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In addition, we often help them get to what they need, which is.
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Anchor counseling because you need to go deeper in discovering some of these
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parts of your story and these behaviors.
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So we believe that this is a place that you can get that help and we have sent
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many people to you, Laura, and you and your team have, have just been incredible.
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And the feedback we get is outstanding.
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So that is so
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meaningful to me and likewise, right, and, and Beth, you know, is just beginning to
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kind of skim the surface, if you will, on the work, talking about that ripple
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effect that y'all do, even the unseen kind of, um, places of gratitude, right?
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That, that ripple effect that you have over your clients lives and
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then how they touch other people.
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I mean, I, I think that we can't even begin to imagine.
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the amazing effects from Porter's Call.
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So thank you for your work as well.
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So if we circle back to that topic, I mean, the making meaning of suffering,
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and that's a big, it's a big topic.
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Um, and I know that we have both
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I'm curious, like, what is that like for you to come alongside
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people in their pain and suffering?
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Right.
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Yeah, you know, people ask, All the time.
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Oh my gosh, how do you do what you do?
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It's got to be exhausting and you're holding all these, you know, emotionally
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hard, you know, traumatic stories and, you know, I, I often say to them, you
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know, it's, it's For one, I really feel like this is my life calling.
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Um, in addition to obviously, first and foremost, being a mom
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and a wife and a friend and a daughter and sister, all that.
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But I feel like vocationally, this is the space that I, feel most alive.
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And, and the reason is I get to have a front row seat to see
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a transformation on the daily.
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Like who, how could I get exhausted with that?
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And, um, and so it is truly a privilege and an honor for me
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to to be trusted with stories.
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Um, and everybody that walks in has a story and it could be a story of
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their past, a story of their present, a story of hope for their future.
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And, um, I really believe that if we're going to look ahead to the future,
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we've got to look to the past and really understand how we got to this present day.
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And, um, and, um, There's not a single person that comes in that doesn't
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have some pain from their past.
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That doesn't have some suffering, some trauma, some loss.
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Um, we can't, we can't even get to the age of five without
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experiencing a lot of loss and trauma.
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And a lot of it we don't remember firsthand, but even stories that get
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past town that we know, and even before our birth, the trauma that precedes
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our birth, you know, has impact.
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So, yeah, on the daily I get to, um, Hold safe space, um, for someone to, to be able
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to unpack their story and to find hope.
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And, um, I often reference a proverb of 1312, it says, hope
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deferred makes a heart sick.
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Um, in that first part of that verse, hope deferred makes a heart sick.
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I, I feel like a lot of people are coming in heart sick because
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their hope has been deferred.
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Uh, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
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Not all your longings.
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not, you know, a million longings, but a longing fulfilled as a tree of life.
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And the fact that we can actually, um, recognize, um, a tree of life
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is, is the seed of that is just even a longing fulfilled, whether it's
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somebody saw me today, somebody, you know, was safe for me today.
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So if we can even plant those seeds that can help someone blossom into a tree
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of life, it's just like, What a gift.
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I shouldn't even call it a job.
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Yeah,
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I, I feel the same.
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I feel it is such a privilege to enter into that sacred space with clients.
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Um, gosh, such a privilege and such a gift, even when you can
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tell that they're really suffering.
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And suffering is such a kind of catch all term, I think, in the therapy space
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at Porter's Call, but, you know, we see suffering of all kinds, and I'm sure
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you see that, and like you referenced in the beginning of this episode, artists
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are not exempt from suffering, right?
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Whether it's addiction, or loss, or trauma, and like you talked about,
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this idea of our bodies keeping the score, our bodies remembering.
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Right?
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Even if we cognitively maybe can't put words to all of the pain and
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suffering that we've endured.
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We, we as thera, myself as a therapist, you as a porter, see that on the daily.
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And that can just be so, it can be so hard to see and also this gift.
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And so in therapy, we talk about dialects, right?
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I feel like this is an example of that, right?
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Where it's like, gosh, I do not want a client that I'm
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working with to be suffering.
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And at the same time, I'm holding hope that they can and they do get better.
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Um, And that can be just quite a bit to hold to for
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us.
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Yeah, it is interesting how, you know, as a mom, I work so hard to
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have my kids avoid suffering and pain.
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And I try so hard to try to, you know, interfere and try to prevent and protect.
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And, uh, we can't do it all.
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We, you know, my kids have been in college for four years now.
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Of course I can't.
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really protect them when they're miles away.
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Um, and yet I have to keep telling myself, I do know that when they suffer
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or struggle, it is what's going to help shape them and mature them and grow them.
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And so I really believe that suffering and struggle is really the birthplace of
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where our strengths are honed and crafted.
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And, um, and it really becomes our superpower.
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And so I do try to help artists and their partners when I see them to say, Hey, I,
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I don't want us to, let's not stuff that.
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Let's not, let's not push that to the side.
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Let's not compartmentalize it.
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Um, now we have to, to some degree, um, just to get through
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a day as self preservation, but when we're in this space, I want
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you to bring it all, bring it in.
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Let's start to unpack it.
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I want you to feel it.
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You know, if you need to scream, cry.
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whatever, I want you to feel that because that will take you on a journey to
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further, um, not only heal, but to, to grow and to be able to access that as
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your superpower and to find meaning in it.
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Yeah, yeah,
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so good.
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I could ask you like a million different questions at once.
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So just a couple things coming to mind.
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Well, first, I do want to say, I think by the time that people get into our office,
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they often feel like their suffering has been minimized or dismissed, right?
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So I think that's really, really important, whether
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it's pain or suffering, right?
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Is that Just this approach of like, Hey, all of you is welcome here.
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And the, and the pain will not be dismissed here.
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It will not be put to the side.
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So I think that you do that so beautifully and even just on such a
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beautiful relational level and here at anchored, we try to do that too.
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We try not to reenact those same cycles that maybe friends or colleagues or family
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members have done to the client, right?
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Where it's like, Oh, that's not a big deal.
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Don't worry about it.
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Um, and so I just want to say that first, right?
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Like.
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This is so important is to resist that urge to minimize and dismiss
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so that we can give way to this birthplace that you're talking about.
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Um, but I, I would love to know, I know I've had the privilege
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of knowing you just as a friend.
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I'd love to hear a little bit more about your own story and kind of
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maybe some of the lows or some areas of vulnerability that you're
17:07
open to talking about in terms of.
17:10
Your own pain and suffering and how that has been so formative In terms
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of you developing this this worldview
17:18
Yeah, thank you.
17:19
Yeah, it's interesting.
17:21
Um, I don't know if you feel this way laura, but um, It's
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funny whenever we spend our days Holding other people's stories.
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Do you ever get this where a client may say?
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Well, what about like you tell me more about?
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about your background.
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Yeah.
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And I'm just like,
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oh, whoa, I've got to re, I've got to realign here.
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Yeah.
17:42
And, um, and so it's actually, it's unique outside of friendships.
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Um, of course, within friendships, there's a lot of reciprocal dialogue, right?
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And we share each other's stories and, and this, and this more.
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In this other space that we operate in, we're really, we really take ourselves
18:02
out to a degree and don't make our story.
18:06
the center at all ever.
18:09
Um, and so, but it is so interesting when people start to ask you,
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you go, Oh gosh, that's okay.
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It's my turn to talk.
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Okay.
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This is vulnerable.
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I have to be vulnerable, which is why we should always be doing our work, right?
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We should always have those spaces to do that.
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So, um, so as you bring it up, I'm like, Oh, this is fun to reflect on.
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Um, my story and how I really do feel like it has shaped me being where I am today.
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Um, and so I might be all over the place because there's obviously
18:41
a long timeline at 51 and it's, there's a lot there in the, in all
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those spaces of those five decades.
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But, um, I really believe that my story started long before I was born.
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So we're talking, you know, decades prior to my birth and, um, that being
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specifically my mom and my dad's story.
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Um, and so my dad's family of origin was riddled with a lot of
19:05
brokenness, you know, alcoholism, abuse, um, Abandonment, divorce.
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So this is what he's bringing in as a young man.
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My mom and he's an American, a white American man.
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Um, my mom is on the other part of the globe in Okinawa, Japan, and she has
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this incredible large family and really a very, um, I don't know if prestigious
19:32
sounds so pretentious, but she basically comes from a royal lineage of Samurais.
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So her great grandfather was a samurai, so there's this whole thing
19:41
in Japan and in the Asian culture that elevates these samurais as
19:46
warriors to the king, basically.
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And you have to, her parents were in arranged marriage because they had to
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marry within a certain class system.
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So there's this kind of strange class system that my mom grew up in.
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And so, and so war visited her doorstep.
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when she was six years old, World War II, and it was the Americans that, well, first
20:08
of all, the Japanese, obviously bombing Pearl Harbor, and then the Americans
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retaliate and bring, after they've said, Americans were like, okay, you're going
20:15
to bring us in the war, here we go.
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And the most vulnerable part of Japan was Okinawa, which is where my mom grew up.
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And where all of her family's from.
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And it's this small little island just south of the mainland.
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And so, you know, war arrived at her doorstep.
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And so when she was at once this kind of higher class.
20:36
in society, war levels the playing field and everybody's
20:41
in poverty post war, everybody.
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And so, um, in the process of her being a six year old during World War II,
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she, she lost her father, she lost her brother, she lost her mother, I mean,
20:52
her, I'm sorry, her sister and her mother had to bury, you know, her children.
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They hid in caves.
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She was responsible for feeding her kids, killing rabbits to feed them, like.
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War that we, in our lifetime, as, you know, people kind of
21:08
isolate, isolated in the U.
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S., will probably never experience.
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And that is what my mom brings in, right?
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So, my mom brings in loss, trauma, war.
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Um, my dad brings in, also, loss, you know, even trauma and war because
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he lost his father in World War II.
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So, his dad's fighting for the U.
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S.
21:31
My mom's dad's fighting for Japan and they both lose their lives in the war.
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And so fast forward, what, uh, 20 or so years later, my dad is stationed in
21:43
Japan, in Okinawa, uh, in the Marines.
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And the only reason why there is a base there is because of the war.
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That's the irony.
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I'm like, Oh my gosh.
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This is, war is horrible, and this happened, and there was so much
22:00
loss, so much tragedy, but actually, my dad never would have met my
22:04
mom, had World War II not happened.
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And, um, and so, to try to sum up that storyline is, My parents were enemies.
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I mean, my parents families were enemies.
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My mom, you know, imagine my mom coming to her mother and saying, You know, this
22:23
American man I met on the base, he wants to marry me and take me back to the U.
22:27
S., even though my brother, my sister, and my dad died in that war.
22:32
Like, what?
22:33
What?
22:33
You can't wrap your mind around it, right?
22:35
No.
22:35
No.
22:36
So, I, this has all transpired, obviously, before I was born.
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So, so that is what I was born into.
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So epigenetically, which is a whole nother podcast, I'm sure, Laura, um,
22:49
but epigenetically, I do inherit a lot of this, obviously, you know, enemy
22:55
lines, but also reconciliation of races and ethnicities and nationalities.
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And so that's an ironic space of going, okay, my, not too many generations
23:08
away, two generations away, there was complete utter hatred, right?
23:13
And then one generation away, being my parents, was this reconciliation of,
23:18
These two nationalities, and I wouldn't be even here if it weren't for that.
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So I think that has really created in me a desire to be an anti racist, to
23:30
be someone who really, not just for Asians, but, you know, Hispanic culture,
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Indian culture, Native American culture.
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you know, African descent culture.
23:41
Um, I really feel like, my goodness, like how many humans wouldn't be here if there
23:47
weren't some reconciliation relationally.
23:49
And, um, and so that, that desire for justice and equality is so woven into
23:55
my story because of the loss, because of the brokenness, because of the trauma.
24:01
Um, and so, And then, and then it goes on and on, you know, my parents first
24:05
born child was a perfectly healthy son in utero and was delivered with malpractice
24:12
and suffered severe, severe, severe cerebral damage to the point where he is
24:17
still alive, but not able to walk, talk.
24:21
He doesn't know who we are feeding.
24:23
He has a feeding tube, like credible brokenness.
24:26
So essentially, You know, my parents lost their firstborn child, essentially, um,
24:32
because they're not able to raise him and care for him and see him live a full life.
24:37
And so, um, his life, his, the value of his life is, is beyond meaningful.
24:43
Like.
24:44
So valuable, so worthy, um, and, but yet they weren't able to like raise
24:50
him and, and enjoy that connection.
24:53
And so, major brokenness, I feel like then you fast forward, you
24:58
know, to my kid's age now, and I have seen them have a incredible innate
25:05
heart for people with special needs.
25:08
People that are, are struggling with not being able to have the full
25:13
capacities and abilities that, um, some of us are, are privileged to have.
25:18
They just, that, so they've always been involved in, um, two of my
25:23
kids specifically have been deeply involved in those relationships.
25:27
With, whether it's best buddies or what have you.
25:30
So I think, again, the suffering of even my parents.
25:34
with that and me not having, uh, you know, really being able
25:37
to grow up with my brother.
25:38
And that has been genetically epigenetically passed down to
25:43
them where they have countered that loss and created meaning.
25:48
Um, so yeah, it goes on and on, whether it's divorce.
25:52
Addictions that I've seen in my family, alcoholism, uh, suicide and law, you
25:59
know, these so many different pieces of my family's story that have been
26:05
impacted with pain that I don't think I would be in this place right now with my
26:10
job had all those things not happened.
26:12
Yeah.
26:13
Yeah.
26:14
Gosh.
26:15
I mean, there's so many different points that I could speak
26:19
to in what you just shared.
26:21
I mean, My heart, I just, I mean, anytime someone shares their pain, you know,
26:26
your heart goes out to them, right?
26:28
And the hu the human part of me sees the human part of you, right?
26:32
And just our shared humanity in that.
26:35
Um, gosh, thank you, Beth, just for your vulnerability with this.
26:39
And I, I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt that you just hold that
26:44
space so well for your clients because of all the pain and suffering that
26:49
you have either seen or personally been through or like you talked about
26:52
that's in your generational, maybe even trauma that you've experienced.
26:57
Yeah.
26:58
Yeah, absolutely.
26:59
I think it's, um, we don't have to be a firsthand.
27:04
witness to a specific extreme trauma to feel the effects of
27:10
it and to be impacted by it.
27:13
But of course, there are other things along the way that
27:16
have been very firsthand.
27:17
But I think even having in my DNA, um, the loss and the trauma of just my parents
27:23
story alone and their parents story alone is so significant that if I don't
27:30
know what that is, there, it will drive.
27:34
some really bad behavior on my part.
27:37
So I think I was so grateful that my mother told me early on, you have
27:41
alcoholism on both sides of your family.
27:44
You have alcoholism in an extreme way on both sides of your family.
27:48
You just need to be aware it's in your blood.
27:50
And, um, and that really protected me from going down a road that could easily
27:56
have been a fast pass to addiction had I not been empowered with knowledge about
28:03
what I have inherited and to be humbled.
28:06
to recognize, oh my gosh, I have some jacked up genes and also some
28:12
really stupid behaviors that I can go to in a second, because for some
28:17
reason in my mind, it makes sense.
28:19
And, but the reality is it's really not.
28:22
not a healthy, you know, road for me.
28:24
So I feel like that really, that really detoured me from a road that could have
28:30
been really, really scary and dangerous.
28:32
And so I'm super grateful for that kind of intervention.
28:36
Just that curiosity and insight, right?
28:39
That's really what we talk about in the therapy space is we have to, We have to
28:44
build insight, but without shame, right?
28:46
We have to be curious about both our heritage and so it's that, you
28:50
know, nature nurture debate, right?
28:52
So we have to hold that room for both.
28:54
Um, and it sounds like you're, Your mom gifted you with that, that insight, right?
29:00
Um, so that has maybe protected you personally from some
29:03
additional pain and suffering.
29:05
And I loved what you shared about just that racial, racial reconciliation, right?
29:09
That, that's not a part of my story in terms of, You know, parents that
29:15
were enemies and then reconciled.
29:17
And I acknowledge that I have certain privileges, right.
29:20
As a white woman.
29:21
And so just this posture of like learning from you feels so important today.
29:26
Um, is there anything that you would say to any of our listeners that
29:31
has kind of gotten you to this place where this theme of reconciliation.
29:36
is just so important to you.
29:38
Is there anything that you've done?
29:39
Is there anything that any feedback that you would like
29:42
to share with listeners today?
29:44
Yeah, that's great.
29:46
Um, I would say if we could always take the posture of humility and being
29:51
a learner, um, is probably one of the best postures that we can take.
29:57
It's, it's almost like, instead of just Oh, I'm sorry.
30:00
I'm just trying to go do something.
30:02
How about just be, just be, just listen.
30:06
Um, I think that's super important.
30:08
I would say that even though I have a, you know, I'm, I would say I'm a
30:13
minority, at least half of me, I don't quite know which one to identify.
30:17
My sister and I joke all the time.
30:18
We're like, When we get the census, we don't know what to put.
30:22
We really don't.
30:23
We're like, well, it's Asian American, but often that's defined as a full
30:28
blooded Asian that lives in America.
30:30
That's an American.
30:31
And then it's like Pacific Islander.
30:33
Well, yes.
30:35
I, I, you know, hail from the Pacific with my, with one half of me and then
30:40
the other, you know, 50 percent of me is Great Britain, which is my dad.
30:44
So I'm like, I, we never know.
30:46
So we, me and my sister joke about, we always put other,
30:49
we're like, we don't know.
30:50
So we just say other.
30:51
And, um, and I would say as a child, I remember I was truly the only Asian.
30:59
That I could remember like growing up.
31:01
I just, I think that I was the only one in my elementary school and I
31:04
think middle school was the first time I think there was a, there was a
31:08
Vietnamese girl and I think that was it.
31:13
So it was very, there were very few of us for whatever reason in Lakeland, Florida,
31:18
but, um, but I remember even feeling, this is, I'm embarrassed to admit this story.
31:25
Um, Because it's not who I am now, but I remember in elementary school, we were
31:29
standing in line and we were holding checks to go pay for our lunch tickets.
31:33
It's when we had to get a physical check, get our lunch tickets for the week.
31:37
And I remember people were standing in line and they were
31:41
like, let me see your check.
31:41
Let me see your check.
31:42
And they were looking at everybody's parents name.
31:45
And I remember being, like, embarrassed because I was like, Yasuko Katsuren,
31:52
Bernard, they don't, you know.
31:54
They don't know what that means, and they, and it's as if, like, did I
31:59
not recognize that I looked Asian?
32:01
Like, why would that be a surprise?
32:03
But as an eight year old little girl, I just remember being like, you
32:07
want so badly to, like, just fit in.
32:10
You want so badly to be like everybody else.
32:13
And so I felt so other in that moment.
32:16
I don't remember feeling that way all the time, but I remember in that moment,
32:20
so I remember covering my mom's name.
32:23
on the check.
32:23
And I, and like, I have so much shame when I say that.
32:27
I know I've done work around it.
32:28
So it's not like I, it's visceral shame that I'm going to carry,
32:31
but I just, I'm like the who I am now and who I've grown to be.
32:36
I'm like, I could not be more proud.
32:38
I would actually rather people call me, I would rather people call me Setsuki,
32:42
which is my middle name, which means May.
32:44
And I even like got, you know, that tattooed on my arm because
32:48
it's the month that my husband and I got born, got married.
32:51
And so we have our wedding date and we got matching tattoos and
32:54
it's my name and I'm proud of it.
32:56
So I'm so, it's so different now.
32:59
And so I was intent raising my kids to have great pride in the fact that
33:06
they're at least a quarter, they're a quarter Japanese and they have owned it.
33:10
They are so thrilled about it.
33:12
And so, um, they could not be more proud of my mom, of their heritage.
33:19
And they just claim, they claim a hundred percent.
33:22
When someone says, what's your race?
33:24
I'm Japanese.
33:24
I'm like, well, you are quarter, three quarter white.
33:29
And so, um, so I think if we could just do our part in our own little
33:35
sphere of embracing the beauty of the variety of races and tribes
33:42
and tongues and people groups.
33:44
If we can really reflect what I believe heaven is going to look like
33:49
in such a way that's like, hey, there's going to be a people from every.
33:54
just a multitude that we can't even begin to imagine.
33:58
So let's start living like that now.
34:01
Um, so I think if, if you're a person of color and, and a minority
34:06
in the space that you're in, um, then own it, like be so proud of it.
34:12
And, um, and pass that down to your children and your children's children.
34:17
Um, if you're in a part of the majority race, And then there are certain
34:23
privileges that are afforded to you that you don't necessarily deserve
34:28
any more than the next person, but they just are because of our culture.
34:32
And, um, and that's across the world.
34:34
Every, every, everywhere across the globe has these, you know, different systems.
34:38
And so I would say if you're, if you're someone that's in the
34:41
majority race, like be a learner.
34:44
Um, practice humility, um, engage with people that have a different
34:48
story than you, that have a different journey than you, um, and get to learn
34:53
and see what does that look like to not be the savior in it and feel like
34:58
you can do something to make yourself feel good, but rather just, you know.
35:03
Come alongside, get behind and push forward.
35:07
Um, because the, the, again, the stamina, the endurance, the perseverance, the
35:13
resilience of, of, of certain people that have been, have suffered greatly,
35:20
whether it's, you know, the Jewish population, especially during the time
35:24
of the war, whether it's the, you know, African descent, um, that, that have
35:30
been, you know, brought in and chattel slavery and then share crop, you know,
35:34
all that, all of the, these, this whole lineage that is, uh, that make up the
35:40
way our, our, world operates in our culture operates like just let's learn.
35:46
Let's, let's not lead with Hey, I know and Hey, I do this and Hey,
35:52
and make it about what you're doing.
35:54
But let's just kind of lean into each other and elevate other people's stories,
35:59
especially those where have that have made great meaning out of suffering.
36:04
those that have really taken their, their struggle and their suffering
36:07
and their trauma and their pain and practiced this incredible resilience.
36:13
Uh, we have so much to learn.
36:15
Yeah.
36:16
Uh, I love all of what you shared and I think, gosh, there's so many
36:20
different like points that I want to tease apart today that could just be
36:24
their own episode in and of themselves.
36:26
But yeah, I mean, what I'm hearing you say is that we want to be careful
36:29
not to perpetuate suffering, right?
36:32
And one way that we.
36:33
We maybe come alongside other people's pain is by practicing
36:37
curiosity and a posture of learning.
36:40
Yeah, thank you, Beth.
36:42
Yeah.
36:43
And I mean, this is, I mean, I think, you know, we're always learning and growing.
36:47
And what really matters is whether we have the ability to apologize,
36:51
to repair when we rupture.
36:54
Um, and that, that's the process of learning is that humility component
36:58
to where, when we do mess up.
37:00
We apologize, and we, we ask for forgiveness, and we repair with the other
37:06
person, and, um, these are all things that we can do, I think, that hopefully
37:10
reduce suffering globally, not even on a individual level, but right on a
37:15
global level.
37:16
Right.
37:17
And, but isn't it interesting that, like, It all starts with the one on one.
37:21
So, with a global, globally, things start to get impacted
37:26
through that ripple effect.
37:27
That's why we do one on one work.
37:30
And we're not always going out there just saying, we're going to just
37:33
talk to the masses and that's it.
37:35
We see the, the power of being, uh, a safe person.
37:39
I know the way that you've been safe for some folks I've sent your way.
37:43
That has created a ripple effect in their life and they've gone out and
37:48
told their story that's then impacted.
37:50
So and so shared this online about their eating disorder, for example, and
37:54
that's revealed to me that I actually have some disordered eating and I'm
37:58
like, That, that comes from the one on one, and that has a global impact.
38:04
So, and if you take someone, right, if we talk about the racial issue, if you're
38:08
a safe white person to someone that is not, has not felt loved by a majority,
38:16
they have some, maybe some trauma related to white people, and you become
38:22
a safe person, that starts the healing.
38:24
And then the ripple effect from there is, is just tremendous.
38:29
Oh man, Beth, you
38:30
are just a wealth of wisdom.
38:32
I just want to sit here and talk to you all day long.
38:34
I know that we probably both have other meetings and appointments
38:38
today, but I am curious, I know one of the, you know, once we start getting
38:43
traction, you know, as a porter, as a therapist, that in and of itself can
38:48
be really hopeful for clients, right?
38:50
So I know in my office when clients start to see small changes, that can reduce some
38:56
some of their pain and suffering, right?
38:58
I'm curious, though, for anyone that's listening today that maybe
39:02
is just beginning their journey, whether it's through Porter's Call
39:05
or through Anchored Counseling, and is just in the thick of it, right?
39:08
They're in the throes of their pain and suffering.
39:11
What wisdom would you share with them?
39:16
When they're in the thick of it, I would say, first and foremost, Get support,
39:23
you know, so I guess if they're if they're sitting in our office, then
39:26
they've already took it taken the most courageous step, in my opinion.
39:32
So if they're in the thick of it and they're able to get the help, you know,
39:36
to get into somebody's office and be able to start unpacking this pain, um, that's
39:43
obviously the first most courageous step.
39:45
If, um, and, and really that.
39:48
that therapist, that counselor, that clinician, that doctor, that
39:52
porter will continue to journey with them and help guide them through
39:56
that, to not go around the pain or avoid it, but to go through it.
40:01
Um, and so if someone is not able to even get to that space, a friend, a safe
40:08
friend that can just come alongside and encourage them and give them that support.
40:13
So community is key.
40:16
Counseling is key.
40:18
And, um, and really to, to have at least determine one
40:24
longing that can be fulfilled.
40:27
Back to that Proverbs, hope deferred makes a heart sick.
40:30
Their heart's sick because their hope has been deferred.
40:32
So for someone to validate the hope that's been deferred for them.
40:36
will start to give some, a lot, it won't dismiss it.
40:40
It will validate them.
40:41
And then just a longing.
40:44
What do you, what do you, what do you long for?
40:46
And even if it's just, I just, I long to get in with a counselor.
40:50
Great.
40:51
That's, that's, you're on your way and to have a hope holder, you know, have
40:57
somebody holding your hope for you.
40:59
That's really what we are.
41:00
We're hope holders.
41:02
We're midwives.
41:02
I could not agree more.
41:04
Right?
41:04
I could not agree more.
41:05
Yeah.
41:06
So, so I think just find a hope holder that can, can hold that for
41:11
you when you don't feel like you can.
41:13
Um, so I don't know if that quite answered your question.
41:17
Oh my goodness, yes.
41:18
Yeah.
41:19
Yeah, I know that there have been times in my own story
41:22
when I have felt without hope.
41:25
Um, and I've had just the gift and privilege of working with some phenomenal
41:30
therapists here in the Nashville area.
41:32
And as I've gotten healthier, I've also been able to, you know, develop
41:37
a circle of friends and community like you that are able to support me.
41:40
But gosh, that is just, that's a really hard place to be, is to feel like
41:46
our lives are kind of all encompassed with, with pain and suffering.
41:50
And so if any of you guys are listening.
41:53
Beth has her own story of pain and suffering.
41:56
You know, I know that I have mine as well, and we're not comparing the
41:59
two, but it's just a hard place when we don't have access to that hope.
42:03
And so I love what you're talking about, just being that holder of
42:06
hope, whether it's you need that and you need to access that in someone
42:10
else, or maybe you can give that gift to someone in your own life right
42:13
now.
42:14
Yeah.
42:15
Right.
42:16
Yeah.
42:16
And like you, like you started the, this talk of making meaning
42:21
out of pain and suffering.
42:22
It's like the, some of the best, like the best clinicians that
42:28
are focused on say addictions.
42:30
have their own story of addiction and recovery.
42:32
For someone that's the best therapist related to ED, it's like, oh my gosh, it's
42:38
people that have had their own journey.
42:40
And I see the posture of the client that feels shame when
42:46
like, kind of they're like this.
42:47
And then when you identify and validate their pain, they're like,
42:51
they, they, they kind of their shoulders go back and they lean in.
42:55
And so, like, their physical posture is like, they see me.
42:59
I don't have to feel shame.
43:01
They have their own story.
43:02
So, I think, again, using your story of pain and, and struggle and the things
43:09
that you would have deemed weaknesses are actually the, very much the threshold
43:14
that takes you into being the person that needs to meet with someone,
43:19
you know, that is going through it.
43:21
Yeah, and I'm sure you can say this too, but like, I would have, if you
43:24
had asked my 20 year old self if, you know, I would be an eating disorder
43:28
therapist and be, you know, leading a team of people treating eating
43:33
disorders and other co occurring diagnosis, I'd be like, are you kidding?
43:36
No.
43:37
Um, and I think that's too, just like sometimes with pain and suffering, you
43:42
know, we don't necessarily know where it's going to lead us when we're in it.
43:46
And so having people that can come alongside us and offer us that hope
43:50
is just, is really, really vital.
43:52
And I know that you and I have both, you know, had that experience
43:56
of other people that have loved us well in those hard times.
44:00
Um, and, and having that, like we talked about, you know, a few minutes ago, but
44:04
just really having people that love us well that are with us versus dismissing
44:09
it or avoiding it or trying to make it go away or being in denial about
44:13
the problem, whatever said problem is.
44:16
so much.
44:16
Um, that's a hard, that's a hard spot to be as a human because.
44:20
We want to do all those things, right?
44:22
We want to avoid, we want to dismiss, we want to make it go away.
44:25
Yeah.
44:26
Yeah, exactly.
44:28
Yeah.
44:28
So just as we close today, thank you so much for your time.
44:32
I know that your time is so precious and valuable and I just
44:36
adore sitting with you today.
44:38
This has just been such a gift to me as well.
44:40
So thank you, Beth.
44:41
I want a part
44:42
two, like, let's go back to go to lunch.
44:45
Yes,
44:45
let's do it.
44:46
Yeah.
44:47
I
44:48
love it.
44:48
I'm in.
44:48
We can just do an offline hang again.
44:50
I want, that's what I want.
44:51
Yes.
44:51
You know, I'm always in for a lunch date.
44:53
Um, but yeah, we, you know, as we close, I just am curious
44:57
about two, two different things.
44:59
Um, so maybe something that you want our listeners to
45:02
work on for homework and also.
45:05
an affirmation that you would just like to leave with our listeners today.
45:09
So based on all the things that we talked about, I know we kind
45:12
of talked about, you know, lots of different things in today's episode.
45:16
What is your homework for our listeners?
45:21
Yeah, my homework is always going to be some self inventory.
45:25
You know, I think when we dig in and really, um, give ourselves a chance
45:29
to, to take stock and inventory.
45:31
So I would say the homework would be, um, Go take care of yourself.
45:37
Like, let yourself have a day or even a half a day or a couple hours
45:42
where you're just treating yourself.
45:44
It could be simple like a walk.
45:46
It could be a coffee.
45:48
It could be just sitting out in a park.
45:51
Um, it could be getting your nails done.
45:53
It could be, um, going to the gym.
45:56
Whatever it is that feels like a treat to you.
45:58
Okay, so you're in a good head space.
46:01
in that moment, um, listening to a music that's inspiring or encouraging, whatever.
46:07
And then after you've done that, Pull up a journal or pen
46:12
and paper and start writing.
46:14
Hey, these are the things in my life that that I have viewed as
46:23
Places of suffering and pain.
46:25
This is part of my story.
46:26
So what I share today, it would you know go back before I was born with my
46:30
parents story because I was raised by people that came from that kind of trauma.
46:35
And so they operated in some ways in a really healthy way,
46:38
encountered some of that, but in some ways it's very unhealthy.
46:41
So all that to say, like, look at those points of pain before you
46:45
were born and throughout your life.
46:47
Write them down, okay?
46:49
Write those down, but then, at the same time, you're going to take the other,
46:53
the other flip side of that that says, actually, those are also my, those can be
46:58
my, my places of great strength and power.
47:02
So, those areas of suffering, on the flip side of that, for every area of
47:07
suffering, I want an area of strength.
47:09
So, if it's like, you know, my parents families were enemies, nationality,
47:16
ethnically, enemies, political enemies.
47:20
And then I, we flip that and go, I can be a person of reconciliation because my very
47:25
existence is an example of reconciliation and healing and forgiveness.
47:30
So every single point of pain is a point of power.
47:35
So do two separate pieces of paper that reveal that, but I
47:39
just want you to be in a good head space when you go into it, right?
47:43
So, um, so list the pain.
47:46
List the power, list the struggle, list the strength.
47:49
That's those are the two can seemingly competing or contradictory,
47:54
uh, lists, but they're not.
47:56
It's like you can't have one without the other.
47:58
You can't have the strength and the power without the suffering and the pain.
48:02
So that would be the homework.
48:04
Um, as far as an affirmation, wow.
48:08
I mean, there's so many things I feel like even in this conversation that came
48:12
up that Um, I've never said be a hope holder, but that when that came out, I was
48:17
like, huh, that that is what we get to do.
48:20
And the reason why we know how to do it is because people have done it for us.
48:24
And so, um, I would say go be a hope holder and also be willing to be
48:31
vulnerable and trust someone to hold your hope for you when you don't have it.
48:35
Thank you, Beth.
48:37
This has been so meaningful for me today.
48:39
Thank you just for sharing your wisdom.
48:42
I'm just curious, how can people find you?
48:46
Um, how can people find Porter's Call?
48:48
I know that you're pretty booked out, but I would just love to,
48:52
to hear about that as well.
48:53
Yeah,
48:54
well, um, you won't find me on a personal social media pages because
48:59
I don't, I have zero social media.
49:02
I love it.
49:02
Um, and I just do that for my own mental health.
49:04
It's not because I'm so disciplined and so like mature.
49:09
It's because I would get sucked down the holes for hours of looking at random stuff
49:15
that would add no meaning to my life.
49:17
So it has more to do with my.
49:19
My lack of discipline than my discipline.
49:21
So I don't have social media, but we, um, at Porter's call, we do
49:26
have a, you know, an Instagram page.
49:28
I believe we have a Facebook page, but our website is porterscall.
49:32
com.
49:33
And so we do have a specific niche, um, population that we see, and that
49:39
is touring and recording music artists that are touring and recording their
49:42
own music pretty much full time.
49:44
That's their gig.
49:45
Um, so it's, it's very, it's.
49:48
Unfortunately, we can't see everybody in the music industry, and
49:51
unfortunately, we can't see everybody.
49:53
Um, but because we are a non profit and we don't charge for services,
49:58
we have to create that our board set very strict eligibility parameters to
50:02
say this is the lane that we're in.
50:04
And, um, and so if you're a touring and recording music artist, you
50:09
are welcome at Porter's Call.
50:10
Um, if you're not, there are some So many incredible places and spaces
50:15
anchor counseling being one but then we have a slew of really trusted partners
50:21
that, um, that we refer people to.
50:23
So that's always an option.
50:25
But, um, yeah, you can find us.
50:28
And our importers call and get to know our family.
50:30
We only have a six, uh, a family of six staff members.
50:34
That's just the six of us.
50:35
So we're mighty, but, but we're a, we're a strong little crew and we are,
50:40
you know, going to continue to expand and scale because of volume of people.
50:43
coming to us is so large now that, uh, we want to, to really build out and,
50:49
um, have more people to see more Porter.
50:52
Thank you, Beth.
50:53
And there's lots of different ways, even if you're not becoming a client
50:56
to get involved with Porter's call.
50:57
I know that y'all keep your, I think I follow y'all on Instagram.
51:00
Um, I know you keep that updated.
51:02
Um, just different ways to get back.
51:04
If, if something that Beth spoke is, you know, spoke to you today.
51:07
Um, So yeah, go check out Porter's Call.
51:10
Thanks for being here, Beth.
51:12
Absolutely.
51:13
Okay.
51:13
Good to see you.
51:15
All right.
51:15
See you, girl.
51:16
All right.
51:16
Bye.