Latest / SAY GRACE | Weight Loss + Health for Overwhelmed Women- Stress, Busy, Consistency, Realistic, Motivation, Starting Over, No Restrictions / Why you keep starting over in your weight loss and how to fix it

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Why you keep starting over in your weight loss and how to fix it · SAY GRACE | Weight Loss + Health for Overwhelmed Women- Stress, Busy, Consistency, Realistic, Motivation, Starting Over, No Restrictions

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For so many women, starting over has basically become their routine.
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It feels like the inevitable that when you start anything new,
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even if you like it and believe in it, right, something is going to cause you to quit.
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I just want to say this is not a character flaw. This is actually a brain thing.
1:00
And so today we're going to talk all about why it happens and how to fix it.
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So if it feels like every Monday is your fresh start, like you're motivated,
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you're ready, you have your meal plan, your grocery list, your big plans to
1:14
actually make it to the gym each day this week.
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But by Friday, you're back in those same patterns, saying things like, well, I already blew it.
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I may as well enjoy the weekend and start again on Monday. Like y'all,
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this is so common. I just want you to hear it. It's so common.
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And I see it so often with my clients.
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And it is a nasty cycle and one that is hard to snap out of.
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But what's worse than all that is like, because I know it feels like,
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oh gosh, you know, I'm just always doing this.
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I'm always do good like Monday through Thursday and then, you know,
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ruin it Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
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What's worse about it is the shame that is so deep from that.
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You know, because none of us want to get to Friday and totally blow all our
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efforts from Monday through Thursday.
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You know what I mean? So we carry this shame super deep.
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And it kind of like talks us out of believing that we can do anything or make any changes.
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And so this is something I am so geeked out about.
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I will just tell y'all, if you are a client that works closely with me,
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you know this, if you're a friend, you know this.
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This is not a you thing.
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It's not about like how much willpower you have or like how much you want it
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or anything like this. This is a brain thing.
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And our brain is so powerful. It is so crazy, right?
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But our brain is also wired in a way that purposefully makes change hard.
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And so I have just noticed, especially
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in weight loss and health that people do
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not talk about this enough right like you do not understand this connection
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and so what do you do you just keep blaming yourself and shaming yourself and
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feeling bad about yourself and telling yourself you're never going to you know
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do it without some kind of divine intervention or like some kind of miracle
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drug or whatever it is and so today,
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I want to really like educate you.
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I want to give you some information on what's actually happening inside your
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brain and how that is causing you to constantly start over in your weight loss.
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And then offer some tips, some ideas, some guidance for how to start to change
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this pattern for yourself, right?
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From a brain perspective instead of from a, I promise I'm going to stick to
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it this last time perspective that we all know and do so, so often, right?
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So first, I want to talk a little bit about the brain, just so you understand
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a little bit more about it in general.
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Our brain is made up of billions of neurons.
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And so when you do something repeatedly, these neurons fire together and they wire together.
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Okay, and so this is called a neural pathway.
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And again, I encourage you to like look this up further after this episode.
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Really, I mean, there's so, so, so much out there about this kind of stuff.
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We definitely won't be able to cover it all here today. I want to give you the
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overview so we can get to the things that will change it.
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But I want you to think about it like, let's say you're making a new recipe
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or maybe driving somewhere new that you've never been before, right?
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Like if you're making a new recipe or driving somewhere new that you've never
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been before, the first time is a little harder, right?
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Especially if you don't have GPS or Google Maps or whatever.
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It's harder. You have to pay attention, right?
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You have to go slower It takes that attention and that effort to get to where
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you're going by following the instructions that you've never had to follow before
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Or to make the recipe that you've never made before with the ingredients you've
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maybe never used before, right?
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It takes that extra attention and effort but.
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Every time after that, that you maybe drive that route or you make that recipe,
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right? It gets a little bit easier.
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You go, oh gosh, there's that tree. I remember that tree. Or you go,
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oh yes, I remember how to whip the eggs in this way.
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You know, whatever it is, you've already had to do it.
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So it gets a little easier. It becomes a little more fluid.
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It becomes a little more comfortable, right and eventually when you've driven
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that route 20 times or you've made that recipe 20 times,
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you don't even have to think about it anymore right you just do it like you
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just do it it's just it's it is your knee-jerk reaction it is how you're gonna
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you know scramble those eggs in this recipe or where you're gonna turn when
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you see that tree you know whatever it is like you just do it. It's automatic, right?
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And so this is exactly what your habits are, okay?
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Our habits, all of our habits, I'm talking our thinking habits,
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our, you know, even like our little tendencies, like our walking habits or like
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our tapping habits or, you know, how we flow throughout our day,
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like little things we notice about ourselves or maybe other people notice about
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us. We don't even notice them about ourselves.
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They have become worn paths in our brains.
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They come easy. They come second nature. You're not even thinking about it because
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you've just done it for so long that it's now just a normal, natural thing for you.
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And so the habits that you have had for years, even the bad ones,
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maybe things like stress eating, skipping breakfast,
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you know, finding any excuse to drive by the gym instead of stopping on your way home, right?
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Or maybe justifying fast food when you're overwhelmed, like these kind of habits,
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those are also worn paths.
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Especially if you have been one of these people that has battled health versus,
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you know, not being healthy.
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Like you're a yo-yo diet or you're either all in or you're all out kind of thing.
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Like you're either hitting McDonald's, getting the number one biggie size,
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or you're at home fixing a salad without dressing.
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You know, If you're that kind of extreme, then the habits of the McDonald's
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with the biggie size or whatever is a worn habit in your brain, okay?
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And your brain loves those worn habits.
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Your brain loves that pathway, okay? Not because it's good for you.
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The number one biggie size whatever is not something your brain loves because it's like,
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yes, this is exactly what we need, these french fries to to
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to make our body healthier no your brain
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loves it because it's easy it's efficient it's what we know right it's it's
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that knee-jerk reaction it comes naturally it comes easy it's fluid okay it's
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automatic because that's what you've done for so long when you've driven by
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mcdonald's and you've had a stressful day right.
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And our brain, you've heard me talk about it here many times before,
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that our brain is always looking for the most energy efficient route.
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Our brain is trying to make things flow as easy as humanly possible, right?
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So if it's familiar, it's efficient.
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If it's something new, it feels like more effort on our brain.
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This is why when you are trying to be the person to go home and fix the salad,
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right, instead of hitting up McDonald's, it feels so much heavier.
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It feels like such a bigger chore.
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Even though you've got the dressing in the fridge, you've got the lettuce already
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cut up, you prepped your meat ahead of time, like literally all you have to
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do is go home and put it together.
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It's still we will find any reason not to
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do it because it just feels like more effort because it's something
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new it's something you haven't done as often and therefore the brain doesn't
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like it right so like essentially when you're trying to build a new habit whatever
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it is maybe a gym habit or a water drinking habit or whatever your brain is
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saying to you constantly differently.
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Hey, why are we trying to drive a different route home? Like we know the route
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with the tree that we turn by, right?
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Or why are we trying to, you know, make this new recipe?
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We know the recipe that we like to make. And it's easy. It's a perfectly good recipe.
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It's a perfectly good route to drive home. Like why are we doing this?
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That's our brain constantly pushing back on us.
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And so I think this is so enlightening because if you zoom out, if you don't, not to,
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I guess to say it in a way that is offensive, but like if you stop focusing
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on yourself for a little while,
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like if you take a minute and you detach from your selfishness and your self-focus
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and, you know, all that we are, we're all consumed in ourselves, right?
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But if you take a minute and you detach from that and you zoom out and you look
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at yourself, it allows you to see that it's not weakness. Like it's not a you problem.
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It's not a Constance problem that something must be wrong with me because I
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don't want to go home and eat the salad that I have everything prepared for,
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that I want to eat the McDonald's instead. Something must be wrong with me. I can't do this.
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I'm not equipped for this because that's the thought that comes next,
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right? The minute you find yourself in that constant mental battle between going
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home for the salad or stopping at McDonald's, that's what comes next is the
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shame, right? Like you suck.
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You're not cut out for this. You're not like the other healthy people.
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And so if you remove all that, if you erase all that and you zoom out and look
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down, it's not a you problem. It's not a weakness.
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It's literally neuroscience.
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It's literally the way our brain is made.
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Other people, their neural pathways may be a little different.
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They may have been raised different.
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They may have been working at this a little bit longer than you have.
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They may struggle in different areas that aren't related to weight loss or health or food or whatever.
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And so, but like, it happens for all of us where there's new habits that we're wanting to try.
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And because we've not had enough
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experience there and we haven't worn that pathway yet, it's really hard.
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And we go back to what we know, right?
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And so it's really, to me, this is just life-changing to be able to zoom out
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and look down on yourself and say, okay, that is not you, Constance.
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That is science doing science things.
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Okay, so now I want to talk about, we know it's not a you problem,
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it's a brain problem, okay? But we also know that somehow those pathways were built, right?
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Like the, when we see this tree, we turn pathway.
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This is how we make this recipe pathway.
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This is what we do when we've had an overwhelming day. We turn into McDonald's pathway.
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Like those were built somehow, right? And it was by repetition.
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And so the way to build the healthier
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pathways that we are wanting to build like the
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going home and eating the salad like the hitting the gym on
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the way home from work you know like the drinking our
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water first thing in the morning or whatever like replacing
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our diet coke with water like those were built those can be built in the same
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way you just have to like have this knowledge and this confidence and this patience
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with yourself to not fully abandon the habit,
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before it is worn down and built, okay? So what happens, this is why like.
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I'm always talking about this, and I don't think I've ever really like gone
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this deep with it, but this is why I'm always talking about this, okay?
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How you don't need to take on too much at once.
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Like here we use the term grace a lot, and we use the terms realistic and doable.
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Like I say that a lot, okay? But this is like the science behind it, right?
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Your brain is like 10 times more likely to quit if you're trying to change 10 things at once, right?
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We begin to feel that overwhelm.
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And what happens is, because we're so into this all or nothing kind of cold
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turkey mindset, when we feel overwhelmed, our brain abandons the neural pathways, okay?
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So if you're saying, I'm about to start this healthy lifestyle.
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I'm gonna, you know, work out every day. I'm gonna to drink my water every day.
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I'm going to count my calories every day.
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I'm going to not yell at my kids every day. I'm going to get eight hours of sleep every day.
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Like when you put all these things on your to-do list, it is like.
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Brain overload. Think about that. That is so many new pathways.
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That's so many new recipes.
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That's so many new routes that you're trying to take at one time that anyone
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would just say, okay, I can't do this.
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Screw it. You know, after a week or two or whatever.
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And so this is why we talk about grace.
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And this is why we talk about keeping it realistic, easing
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into things one step at a time because
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even that one thing if
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you even just picked one thing to focus on even
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that is gonna be a challenge for your neural pathway it's gonna feel like starting
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a new recipe from scratch that you have no idea what you're doing right it's
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gonna to feel like driving a new route to work or wherever and you don't have a map.
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Like it's gonna still just that one thing is gonna feel super, super hard.
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But you're more able to focus your energy on not quitting when there's only
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one thing changing at a time instead of a hundred things changing at a time.
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And so this is why I'm always harping on that because I would rather see you
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try one thing and wear that path down, wear it in, you know.
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Instead of trying, you know, multiple things and quitting and abandoning the
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pathway before you've had a chance to wear it out, you know,
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to wear it in or whatever.
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And so this is why the all or nothing approach is neurologically working against you.
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You have the proof of why it ain't doing nothing for your weight loss or whatever else, right?
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Like you, you have, you, you know, by, by now that, you,
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all-or-nothing mentality doesn't last and you usually regain the weight or go
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back to the old way of whatever.
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Like, you know that, but now you know neurologically, like, why that is the case.
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Your brain needs that repetition over time to build that new default,
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to make this new habit the new route that feels most comfortable or the new
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recipe that feels most comfortable,
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right and the only way that
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can come about is repeated exposure to
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this path over and over and
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over again without giving up on it and turning back okay and so I did a little
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research on this before this episode because y'all again and this is just like
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I could I could read about this stuff all day long.
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There is a period, though, there's a period of time in your building of a new
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habit, okay, that is actually like the hardest, but also the most important time.
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And it's actually like right before the habit becomes automatic.
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Okay, so like you're wearing down that pathway every single day trying to build this new habit,
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build this new pathway, and then there comes a
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time where it feels like you you may feel the most resistance
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or it's just the hardest you
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know and it's it
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can be referred to as like the danger zone because this is when a lot of people
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quit okay it's right before it becomes more of an easier thing to do like you
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It's right before you stop feeling like you're fighting tooth and nail to gag the water down.
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You're almost there and then you feel this like...
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Extra resistance, and then you turn back, right?
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And so the time period varies.
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There's not like an exact time period, but scientists kind of say it takes like
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66 days or something like that to create a real habit.
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And so this is, you know, right before that with give or take, you know,
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weeks days whatever is when you start
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to feel more of that discomfort and some
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people quit but the discomfort is actually a sign
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that it is working right like
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we it's so crazy because it's so backwards like if we feel discomfort or we
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feel frustrated or we feel whatever we're like oh this isn't working you know
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I'm gonna quit or whatever but that's actually a sign like if you notice your
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brain is just constantly on repeat trying to say those things to you,
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that's a sign that it is working and it's resisting the change.
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It is so ready to go back to that old recipe or that old route home that it
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knows, you know, that it is pressing into you, you know, in a deeper way at that certain point.
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Okay, and so in weight loss, when we're thinking about weight loss,
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y'all, this is when you're like, oh my gosh, three or four weeks in,
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the water weight's gone.
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Okay, so you have seen some weight loss on the scale, and it seemed like it was really rapid.
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And here lately, the pounds just aren't falling off as fast as they were.
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And you feel like, what's the deal? I've been doing the same thing.
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Why isn't it going as fast? Whatever, right?
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And so you may tell yourself things like, this isn't working or something's
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wrong with me or whatever, right?
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This is that discomfort window.
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This is that danger zone.
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Because not only is your brain saying like something's wrong,
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you have the proof, right? Because you're looking at the scale and you're only
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losing maybe like half a pound a week now instead of like a pound and a half
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a week like you were when you first started.
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So you've got the proof and you've got that negative mindset or it could be something like.
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Your kid gets sick or work gets busy.
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And so because you can't meal prep as perfectly as you were before,
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or the world can't revolve around your weight loss the way it was the first
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few weeks, you feel like, I'm failing.
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I'm not doing it as good. I'm not ever going to be as successful as I want to
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be. And you totally give up.
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Okay, these are specific examples in weight loss that can happen during this
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window that I'm talking about, which is the most critical window.
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But this is also why the women who do truly take the grace mindset,
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the imperfection, you know, stance,
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like they continue to just like push through because they believe in that model or that way,
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which usually comes out of like, oh my god we've tried everything else why not
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just try doing it with some grace and with some,
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imperfection you know but this is why those women
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who continue to push continue to do
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the best they can even when their kids think no it
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may not be a perfectly meal prepped meal but it's it's you know decent that
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kind of thing this is why they adopt those healthy habits and they eventually
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come more naturally to them they can see the light they haven't turned back
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right and it's like those people didn't get lucky.
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They're no different than you are other than they just chose to keep walking
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the path that they were building out through the discomfort.
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Even when it felt like, gosh, what am I even doing this for?
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Right? They continued to push.
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So another thing that I really just kind of want to mention right here,
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again, because it's something that I'm just seeing more and more in women.
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And unless someone tells you, you may not know, you may not understand,
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you know, when you are stressed.
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It's harder. Okay. And so I'm not talking about, you know, you're constantly
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frazzled, like that level of stress.
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I'm talking about you just feel like you're always on.
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You feel like, you know, there's always something you've got to be doing or
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focusing on or, you know, somebody got to be serving or whatever,
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you know, like it's just you never feel like your brain can shut off. That's stress, y'all.
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There are lots of different ways to be stressed. And so a lot of women out there
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are stressed, especially because
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a lot of women are not taking the time to wind down from their stress.
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You know, like they'll hit a fight or flight state and then like not think anything
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about it and just keep pushing through their day.
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You know, you didn't take the time to kind of undo or take a moment for yourself,
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take a breath kind of thing. And so when you're stressed, your brain defaults
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even harder to the old pathways. Again, because it's trying to be efficient.
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It's trying to be easy, right? Like, so when you're stressed,
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your body and your brain are doing all kinds of other things in addition to.
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And so the last thing, again, this is why you go through McDonald's instead
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of going home to the dang salad. because the last thing your brain wants to
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do is try this new habit of eating a salad when you get home from work.
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When you're stressed, it's going, no girl, let's go to McDonald's.
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That's what we do. It's easy.
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You know, it's what we've always done, right? So it likes to work even harder
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to default to those old pathways.
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And so your cortisol, which is your stress hormone, actually will suppress your
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prefrontal cortex, which is the part of your brain that's responsible for making
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decisions and for impulse control.
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So cortisol suppresses those things.
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So if you're stressed, your cortisol is up and it's suppressing your ability
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to make good decisions and to control impulse.
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And so when life is hard, when life is stressful, when the moment feels heightened
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or whatever, your brain is quite literally less capable of choosing the new
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behavior that you're wanting it to choose.
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The new behavior that you committed on Monday morning, you were going to eat
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the salads in the fridge and not go to that McDonald's.
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You know, Monday you were saying
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that and now it's Thursday and you had a really stressful day at work.
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And your brain is like quite literally incapable of choosing the thing you committed to.
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So it's going to go to what it knows, right? It's going to go to McDonald's.
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And then what happens after? We shame ourselves for it,
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right again for for science just sciencing okay
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but this is a really good explanation for why
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so many women do great when life
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is calm you know and then
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why they just feel like oh my god i cannot get it together when life is not
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so calm it's not like something's wrong with your character something's wrong
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with your emotions or whatever your hormones like it's the brain responding to cortisol.
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Okay, so to wrap this up, I want to talk about two things that you can really
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do for yourself to encourage continuing the building of those new pathways,
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the pathways that we want, the healthy habits that we want, right?
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The first one, which is not new news here, right?
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Like you have heard me say this a hundred times, but now you'll understand the
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context a little bit better, a little bit deeper, is that.
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Doing your best to do the thing you said you were going to do when you said
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you were going to do it is one of the biggest game changers for this, okay?
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Even if yesterday you blew it, like even if yesterday you went through McDonald's
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and did not go home for the salad,
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freaking wake up today and set your mind to, because hopefully you had some
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downtime, you had some time to rest, your cortisol came down,
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all the things that we need, right, to get our brain back on track.
27:30
So today get the dang salad at home okay or whatever it is that you have set
27:37
out to do drink the water don't drive by the gym actually turn in you know because
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even like the point of the point of doing that is not only right to show yourself
27:49
that you can but it's it's.
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If you choose to come home and do the habit that you set out to do today,
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even after not doing it yesterday, you are still walking down that pathway.
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You're still wearing it down.
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You're not forgetting it. You're not totally giving up on it and letting it
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grow weeds or whatever again.
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You are saying, hey, brain, I know we kind of screwed up yesterday,
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but I'm not giving up on myself, right?
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Because every time you make that choice to drink the water, to get the workout in,
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to go for the walk, to do whatever it is you set out to do, you're taking another
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stride down that pathway.
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You're taking another drive down the new route you decided to drive.
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You're taking another stab at making the recipe that you are trying to get used to making.
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So you are making strides and and and getting
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you know getting to that point where it eventually will become easier
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so so like mentally committing to yourself even if it's not going to be perfect
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even if you're going to have bad days even if you totally blew it all weekend
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long you're going to still not look for another weight loss program or look
29:08
for another strategy or look for another that no,
29:11
you're gonna go back to the habit that you set out to do and freaking do it again.
29:16
Do it again, over and over and over again until it feels like, okay, it's clicked.
29:24
Because when it's clicked, it's because you've worn that neural pathway long
29:28
enough that it actually, you've crossed over that discomfort window, in a sense.
29:35
You've beat the danger zone, right?
29:39
The second thing is, there's a ton of research around, like,
29:44
how we talk to ourselves, how we view ourselves, right? Right.
29:50
And so our brain, if we if we tell ourselves constantly that we're a failure
29:56
or that we're not ever going to lose weight or that we can't do this,
30:00
our brain starts to filter that.
30:02
It's like, well, should we go home for the salad or should we drive through McDonald's?
30:08
Well, she's told herself 30 times today that she's a failure,
30:13
that she never finishes what she starts, that she's never going to be healthy.
30:19
And we've built this really strong identity around
30:22
that person and in our brain so yeah
30:24
let's just go to their mcdonald's like let's get you know ice cream
30:27
too you know so trying
30:32
to shift how you think about yourself while you're in the midst of trying to
30:38
build this healthy habit that you're setting out to build can be really beneficial
30:43
to ensuring that you actually do follow through, right?
30:49
Like not, not just thinking like, well, I'm trying to lose weight again.
30:52
It's like, no, I am someone who is on a weight loss journey.
30:59
I am someone who is going to finish her weight loss journey.
31:02
I am someone who is taking care of her body every single day.
31:06
You see it like that is an empowering stance. That is a stance that is expectant
31:11
of the positive outcome.
31:14
For me, I have to use this a lot with mothering.
31:18
Mothering a 10-year-old girl and a 6-year-old girl too, but 10-year-old,
31:22
whoo y'all, the hormones.
31:23
And so I am having to use this often. Like I am a good mom. You know,
31:29
not like I'm trying my best or, you know, I make mistakes too.
31:34
You know, no, I am a good mom. I am the mother that God put here on this earth for this child.
31:41
So I am equipped because of that alone.
31:44
You know, like really changing the way that you think when you notice those
31:49
negative thoughts come up, because again, your brain starts to filter through
31:54
those thoughts and hopefully it's filtering.
31:56
It's not hearing the negative thoughts
31:59
as often right it gets to filter through the
32:02
positives too so that then the habit or the reaction is
32:06
is filtered through those and in
32:10
turn it's a better outcome right because your brain wants to stay consistent
32:15
with how you how you choose to think about yourself and you know that's a big
32:19
effort right it's a big effort to choose to think about yourself differently
32:23
than you may have been thinking about yourself for the past 10, 20, 30 years.
32:27
You know, so just making that effort to catch yourself in those negative thoughts,
32:33
specifically the ones related to the health habit you're trying to adopt,
32:37
can really be beneficial for, you know, long term.
32:41
So this is something that I just, again, it's, it's, oh, there's so many layers to it, y'all.
32:47
This is just not even touching the tip of the surface.
32:50
But I hope if anything today, you have just learned a little bit about like,
32:57
How we're wired, how we're designed, how we're made.
33:02
And so then you're able to say like, okay, I can't define myself as someone
33:09
who doesn't follow through with new habits, even though I know they're good for me.
33:14
My brain is working against me and so is everybody else's brain, right?
33:19
And so I can do this good work to try to make those changes, not only externally.
33:26
But internally, mentally right it's you
33:30
against your brain and up until now
33:33
maybe you haven't understood the full depth of that battle my gosh
33:36
none of us really understand the full depth there's so much more we can
33:39
learn about it but now you can
33:42
show up differently because of what you know from this episode today
33:45
from a place of you know knowing maybe
33:48
from a place of a little bit of grace for
33:52
yourself and forgiveness for yourself because it's not
33:55
a you thing it's it's a science thing right from a
33:58
place of clarity about maybe why
34:01
you made some choices from a
34:05
place of understanding why
34:08
lowering your stress level is very very important from a place of being able
34:15
to think about yourself differently so that your your actions will change and
34:20
then also from a place of just being willing to get up and try again because
34:24
the fact that you failed yesterday doesn't define you.
34:27
It doesn't really say anything about you. But what you do right now in this
34:31
moment moving forward is what's gonna change the game one way or another for you, right?
34:37
So I hope you guys, as always, but golly, especially with this topic today, remember to say grace.