Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / Your Teen Isn’t Broken, Their Brain Is On Wi‑Fi With No Router

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Your Teen Isn’t Broken, Their Brain Is On Wi‑Fi With No Router · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is episode four of eight of the series When Adolescence Gets Harder.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: This has to do in this particular episode with risk taking and dangerous behaviors.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to talk about something that many people find, or many parents find, frightening and deeply unsettling, and that's adolescent risk taking, to some extent self-harm, and behaviors that feel dangerous, impulsive, or incomprehensible.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're a parent living with this, I want to begin by saying this very clearly.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're not alone, and you hopefully know that, and your fear does make sense.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: So, what do we mean by risk taking in adolescence?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Adolescence is, by its nature, a developmental period of experimentation and risk.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: The adolescent brain is primed for novelty reward and peer approval.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And while the systems responsible for long-term thinking and impulse control are still developing, this means that there is a greater likelihood of risk-taking behaviors, and these can take many forms.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Pushing boundaries with parents, trying alcohol or substances, engaging in risky online behavior, reckless physical activity, sexual experimentation, and dangerous driving or thrill seeking.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, some of this is part of normative development.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: For some young people, risk taking becomes a way of coping with emotional pain, numbness, or overwhelm.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now I've talked before in a previous podcast about self-harm, and I just want to reference one or two things.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: That it is one of those behaviors that parents find the most alarming and quite understandably, and it can include cutting, burning, scratching, hitting, or other ways of injuring the body.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it's important to understand that self-harm is not about wanting to do permanent harm, it's more often an attempt to regulate unbearable feelings, to feel something instead of nothing, or to communicate distress when words just aren't available.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: So for some, self-harm is a way of creating a sense of control in an internal world that just feels chaotic.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Quite often when I talk to patients about their self-harming behavior, I I ask them to go through what it is they feel before, what's their preferred method, how does it feel when they're in the process of harming, and how they feel afterwards.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And they normally tell me they feel some degree of relief or release.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so I say, so do you think it works then?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And they say yes, and I say, the problem is it's not working because you have to keep doing it.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: So that tells me that there's something underneath this that we we need to try and identify.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now it doesn't make it any the less serious, but our our way of responding to it can change if we understand what's going on.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: So why do adolescents engage in dangerous behaviors?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, from a psychological perspective, dangerous behaviors often emerge when emotional states feel unmanageable.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: So young people may very often feel overwhelmed by anxiety or low mood, experience intense shame or self-criticism, feel disconnected from parents or peers, or struggle with identity, belonging, or trauma.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: With neurodevelopmental differences added to this, it can actually make emotional regulation harder.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: So risk taking can feel like a solution, a way to be alive, to belong, to escape, or to be seen.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, now the parents' experience, discovering self-harm or risky behavior can be shocking, frightening, and destabilizing.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: And many parents feel guilt, anger, panic, or a sense of failure.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: You might find yourself constantly checking your child, searching their room, monitoring their phone, or lying awake at night, imagining worst-case scenarios.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And this is an understandable response to fear, but it can also create a kind of climate of surveillance and anxiety that can increase conflict and reduce openness.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: So the question then is how to respond.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll preface this with easier said than done, and I speak as one who knows.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: The principle here is containment rather than control.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the most important shifts we can make is moving from trying to control the situation to emotionally containing it.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: That means being present, calm, and curious, even when you feel terrified.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: I said it was easier said than done.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: But it means saying, in effect, I'm here, I want to understand, and we will find a way through this together.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean ignoring risk or failing to set boundaries.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: It means prioritizing relationship and understanding alongside safety.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing I think is important to say here is don't ask why.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ask why they're doing it because they don't know.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: What you might do instead is say, How do you think you got to this?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's a reframing of a of the question.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or you can say, I wonder what are the things that have happened that have led you to feel this way.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: It may very well be that the young person is able to put words to that.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Once they do, don't try and fix it, because that's not what this is about.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can talk to them about risk and self-harm.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And talking is the most effective way when they are calm, if you can have these conversations when you are calm, non-judgmental, and ongoing.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: You might say, I've noticed some things that worry me, and I want to understand what's going on.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or when you hurt yourself, I feel scared because I care about you.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Can you help me to understand what it does for you?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: I remember a mother who described a situation where she walked in on her daughter who was in the middle of a self-harming action, and I suggested to her, she described her reaction to the to the daughter, and I said, I'm gonna say some simple things here because what had happened was a pretty understandable panic, fear, and anger-driven episode between both of them.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Look, how about if you find this again you say to her, show me show me by telling me, not by doing it.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Let's put this into words, tell me.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, in a sense, here is a shift between the action and the communication of the impulse.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: It takes a brave step to communicate with an adolescent in that way, but they will hear you.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Listening without immediately trying to fix can be one of the most powerful interventions.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now, okay, when to seek professional help.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Any self-harm or high risk behavior warrants professional assessment if it is something which happens repeatedly, because then it's not an episode, it's a pattern.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're on a CAMS waiting list, this period can feel particularly frightening.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: So while waiting, focus on keeping communication open, reducing access to means where possible, establishing predictable routines and identifying safe adults your child can talk to.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's possible that you might be able to seek interim support through GPs, school services, or private practitioners, and you're not really expected to manage this alone.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing that I think is really important is checking in.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: How are you feeling today?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: How's the morning been?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Have you been struggling at all?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just a kind of way of saying, I know we've talked about this, but I'm still here.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that can mean a lot.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes adolescents will tell you to just leave them alone.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Don't give them a hard time.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: However, as the grown-up, you can say, Yeah, I know, I know, but I'm your mum or I'm your dad.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what we do.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's a grown-up thing.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now, many of the young people I've worked with, in fact, I would say nearly all have gone on to disengage from those behaviors, and they go on to develop healthier ways of coping.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And this is partly because I include parents in this approach.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that means that they are being supported, they are being included.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: I called it the joined up therapeutic approach.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: And very often children will feel that the thing that was secret is now open.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing bad has happened as a consequence.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And we are all demonstrating that as grown-ups, we take this seriously and we care about the child or young person.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: So essentially, what this also does is to enable the child to learn or young person to speak rather than act.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if this episode is meaningful to you, you may find that the parenting adolescence in distress course is helpful and it's designed to support parents with a clinically informed understanding and guidance, particularly due pr during periods of uncertainty or whilst waiting for specialist services.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you can find all the details on my website, thechildren's consultancy.com, and if there is anything else that you need, there are other resources and continuing podcasts because this series is only halfway through.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.