Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 139: The Two Types of People Pleasers: Why Saying No Feels Impossible

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139: The Two Types of People Pleasers: Why Saying No Feels Impossible · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  My name is Marianne Walker and I'm the life coach for impasse and highly sensitive people.
• 0:26
  And for those of you that don't know, I recently moved back to the same valley that I grew up in.
• 0:31
  After living away for 16 years.
• 0:34
  So when I see people around the valley, I oftentimes don't know who they are.
• 0:39
  I don't know if there's somebody doppelganger from where I used to live in Kansas.
• 0:43
  We lived in a military town, so people are always coming and going.
• 0:46
  It's crazy how much the military is connected.
• 0:50
  So I think, okay.
• 0:50
  Is it somebody doppelganger from Kansas?
• 0:53
  Is this somebody I knew in high school?
• 0:54
  It is really kind of a funny experience to be coming back this many years later, because 16 years is enough time for people, my age to look very different.
• 1:04
  But anyway, I was recently going on a shopping trip to Walmart.
• 1:07
  And I saw a friend from high school that I haven't seen since high school.
• 1:12
  And she is somebody who I did recognize right away.
• 1:15
  She is somebody that looks exactly the same.
• 1:18
  And so when I did see her, I went over to say hello, and to give her a hug.
• 1:22
  And she is just so darn cute.
• 1:24
  You guys, one of the very first things that she said to me was, hi, MaryAnn I listened to your podcast every week.
• 1:30
  And it just made my heart filter bursting.
• 1:33
  I just love that so much.
• 1:35
  It made me feel so good.
• 1:35
  So I wanted to give Sherry a shout out.
• 1:37
  It is so good to see you and so good to be in the same valley.
• 1:40
  Again, my friend and we really should catch up more.
• 1:43
  So I really do truly love it.
• 1:45
  When I hear from my listeners.
• 1:46
  I said it before, but I'll say it again.
• 1:48
  It is a really strange experience having a podcast.
• 1:52
  Because it's essentially a one-way conversation where I can see that people are listening.
• 1:56
  As I look at the views and the downloads.
• 1:58
  But unless they say something it's really hard to know what it is that resonated or if it resonated.
• 2:03
  So I really love it.
• 2:05
  When I hear people say things like, Hey, I listened to you every week or, oh, thanks for keeping me company while I did my laundry or, Hey, you just came on a road trip with me.
• 2:14
  So thank you so much for listening and thank you so much for feedback.
• 2:17
  It really does mean a lot to me.
• 2:19
  So today we're going to be exploring the two different kinds of people, pleasers and specifically the experience of having the inability to say no.
• 2:30
  So the first people pleaser, we're going to talk about, we're going to call her empathetic.
• 2:33
  Emma.
• 2:34
  She never ever says no.
• 2:36
  I mean, she technically says the word.
• 2:39
  No, but she says it more like no problem.
• 2:42
  That's not a problem at all.
• 2:43
  I can totally do that.
• 2:45
  So she's saying no, but she's not really saying no, you know, so she really wants people to know that she cares.
• 2:51
  And so she says yes to every request and she really implies to the other person that it's, it's really not a big deal.
• 2:59
  It's no biggie.
• 2:59
  Of course I can do that little thing.
• 3:01
  And sometimes it is true that it's just a little thing and that it's no big deal.
• 3:07
  However other times when she's saying it's no problem.
• 3:11
  It's actually a big problem for her.
• 3:14
  And it leads to overwhelm and compassion fatigue, and even ultimately leads to a little bit of resentment towards the very person that she's trying to show up in love and kindness for.
• 3:25
  So empathetic Emma's main motivator is to be kind yes, but there is also underneath that this eternal hope that, well, maybe if I show up for them in this way, then they'll show up for me.
• 3:37
  Maybe they'll see how it is that I want to be treated and things will change.
• 3:41
  But because she projects this on to others, that it's really easy for her to do these things, then honestly, they just assume that she's got it covered.
• 3:50
  In fact, they might just assume that she's completely fine.
• 3:52
  She never needs help with anything because let's be honest.
• 3:55
  She's probably telling them that she doesn't need anything because she really doesn't want to be a burden on other people.
• 4:00
  But then she allows herself to be burdened.
• 4:03
  By other people.
• 4:05
  So when someone in the neighborhood is sick, then she's going to bring them a meal.
• 4:09
  When somebody needs childcare, she rearranges her schedule and picks up snacks and activities to make it fun.
• 4:15
  When somebody asks her to pick up an extra task at work, then she works late into the night to make sure it gets done.
• 4:21
  But meanwhile, while she thinks she's making everybody else happy, she's making herself miserable.
• 4:27
  She's feeling really burned out.
• 4:28
  She's putting her own needs last in order to accommodate everybody else and maybe she's even doing so to the point where now she is the one that is sick.
• 4:37
  And in need of care.
• 4:38
  In fact, oftentimes your nervous system is going to tell you when you've gone too far, you can either choose to take the time to take care of you or your body will yell at you and tell you.
• 4:48
  You've done too much.
• 4:49
  Now you're going to be forced due to illness or physical strain or whatever it is your body will tell you.
• 4:55
  I am sorry, you cannot do any more.
• 4:58
  And especially with the people pleasing population.
• 5:01
  Sometimes things really do get aggravated because they push themselves so hard, but then it really does become a very heavy thing where now it's like, they were almost subconsciously creating a situation where, okay, well now I'm finally justified in saying no, because now it's finally bad enough.
• 5:18
  So just kind of notice what your body is telling you when it comes to this people pleasing.
• 5:24
  So basically while Emma is conveying the message that it's really no big deal.
• 5:29
  It's not a problem at all.
• 5:31
  It is in fact, a big deal and it is a very big problem.
• 5:35
  For empathetic, Emma.
• 5:38
  So Emma's approach it stems from this really deep desire to be seen as kind and loving and reliable.
• 5:45
  So she says no problem, because she really wants to ensure that other people feel supported and cared for.
• 5:51
  And that sounds amazing.
• 5:52
  Right.
• 5:53
  But underneath this, then there's that fear of disappointing other people or being perceived as selfish.
• 6:00
  So Emma has likely internalized the belief that her value comes from how much she does for other people.
• 6:06
  So instead of being a human being and just being Emma.
• 6:10
  She's made herself into a human doing.
• 6:12
  Where her worth and her value is now conditional upon what it is that she does.
• 6:17
  For other people.
• 6:19
  So she is consistently prioritizing other people's needs above her own.
• 6:25
  And unfortunately this pattern of behavior, it leads to several challenges.
• 6:28
  So first there's overwhelm and burnout.
• 6:30
  So by constantly taking on more than she can handle, then Emma is depleting her own energy and her own resources.
• 6:38
  And she's leaving very little room for her own wellbeing.
• 6:41
  And as I said, You can either choose to slow down and care for yourself or your body will compel you to slow down and care for yourself.
• 6:48
  So it's leading to that overwhelm and that burnout.
• 6:51
  It also leads to resentment because while she genuinely wants to help others, then disconnect between her outward,"no problem" messaging and her internal stress.
• 7:02
  It really creates tension in relationship.
• 7:04
  And that is a hard thing to cover over time.
• 7:06
  Even if you feel like you're doing a really good job, putting a smile on your face, people still feel that tension.
• 7:12
  So over time, then that resentment can build not only towards those that she's helping, but also towards herself because she allowed herself to over-commit and to burn herself out.
• 7:23
  It also actually creates a lack of reciprocity.
• 7:27
  So Emma saying Hey, I've got it.
• 7:29
  That kind of an attitude.
• 7:30
  It signals to others that she doesn't need help.
• 7:33
  And it actually makes it less likely for others to step in and support her when she needs the help.
• 7:40
  Now learning how to manage her emotions and set clear boundaries.
• 7:43
  It can really be transformative here for Emma and for others like her.
• 7:47
  So when she acknowledges her own limits and communicates them, honestly, and clearly it helps to minimize burnout by preserving her energy for what truly matters.
• 7:56
  It helps to model healthy boundaries for others by showing that yeah, it's okay to prioritize your own needs.
• 8:01
  And it helps to foster deeper and more authentic and real connections with others because she's finally being honest about her capacity and that invites in others to have the ability to just step in and support and reciprocate as well.
• 8:15
  But if she's always saying, yeah, it's no big deal and I'm thinking, boy, that's crazy.
• 8:19
  She's always doing so great.
• 8:20
  And I'm always having such a hard time.
• 8:22
  So I guess she's fine.
• 8:23
  I don't need to reciprocate.
• 8:24
  So it's actually creating scenarios where she's experiencing less balance and less reciprocation in relationship.
• 8:32
  Okay.
• 8:32
  Now you're probably wondering by now.
• 8:34
  Okay.
• 8:34
  What's the second type of people pleaser.
• 8:36
  Now, the second type of peoplepleaser we're going to call her empathetic Amy.
• 8:39
  Right?
• 8:40
  They're both very empathetic.
• 8:41
  They both really want to help other people, but it looks a little bit different.
• 8:44
  So Amy is working on being more honest about her mental load.
• 8:49
  So when somebody asks Amy to do something, she might say, Yes, I can do that.
• 8:54
  I really want to show up for you, but then she follows it up with her heavy mental load, saying everything that's going on for her.
• 9:00
  So this might sound a little bit like, yes, I can do that.
• 9:03
  I can be there.
• 9:04
  I'm really concerned however about da duh da duh da duh da so they're listing off all the things that their children are going to be needing, or the project that they're working on or all of the different things that are happening for them.
• 9:15
  And so while they're saying yes, everything that comes after that really sounds a lot like a no.
• 9:21
  And essentially she does this because saying no, just feels really uncomfortable for her.
• 9:27
  So she says yes, so that she can feel good and doesn't have to emotionally regulate the no, but then what it really feels like is she's wanting the other person to do the mental and emotional work of stating a boundary on her behalf and stepping in and saying, you know what?
• 9:41
  It sounds like you're busy, don't worry about it.
• 9:44
  So then she never has to actually say no, the other person does it for her.
• 9:48
  But what she doesn't realize is that ultimately it's going to save her a lot of mental and emotional energy.
• 9:55
  To just state upfront.
• 9:57
  I'm sorry, I'm busy during that time.
• 9:59
  Okay.
• 10:00
  I can come and help out after two o'clock.
• 10:02
  Oh, I'm only available on Wednesdays.
• 10:04
  How's that work for you instead of actually stating a boundary or letting them know her capacity in a more clear and concise way, then she's actually creating more confusion.
• 10:15
  So in other words, while Emma's messaging is yeah.
• 10:17
  It's no big deal.
• 10:18
  I can do that.
• 10:19
  Then Amy's messaging is yes, I can do that.
• 10:22
  And I just need you to know that this is a really big deal.
• 10:25
  And neither one of these women are actually taking ownership of their own emotional state.
• 10:30
  Neither one of them is actually doing the work that they need to do in order to create more balance for themselves.
• 10:37
  So Amy's struggle to say no, it reflects a little bit of a different challenge than Emma.
• 10:41
  So unlike Emma, she wants to be honest about her limitations, but she hasn't yet developed the confidence to state her boundaries outright.
• 10:49
  So instead then she agrees to requests, but also adds essentially a mental price tag to her saying yes.
• 10:58
  So she's listing out all of her stressors in the hopes of the other person will realize that, oh, she's just sacrificing so much and I need to relieve her of her burden.
• 11:08
  Right.
• 11:08
  So where they're coming to her, hoping that she will relieve their burden, it kind of flips the tables a little bit, where they feel obligated.
• 11:15
  To essentially state a boundary for her.
• 11:17
  Because they think, oh, I came asking for help, but she really needs help.
• 11:21
  I can't ask her.
• 11:22
  I must now be responsible for her boundaries.
• 11:25
  Now, this kind of creates a few different problems and one of them we've already talked about right.
• 11:30
  Where it might turn the tables, where now the other person who was needing help legitimately, they now feel a duty and obligation to show up for her.
• 11:37
  But also they might not actually be as sensitive as Amy.
• 11:41
  So when she says, yes, I can do that.
• 11:44
  But.
• 11:45
  They might only hear, oh great.
• 11:46
  She said she can do it.
• 11:47
  Problem solved.
• 11:48
  So here, Amy might be hoping that they're going to state a boundary, but all they're hearing is great problem solved for me because they don't have the same sensitivity that she has.
• 11:58
  So Amy's approach, it creates its own set of problems.
• 12:01
  So first of all, it creates ambiguity and miscommunication.
• 12:06
  So by saying yes, while at the same time expressing her overwhelmed, Amy thinks she's just being honest, but she's actually sending mixed signals.
• 12:14
  And the other person might not understand.
• 12:17
  That she's at her limit, or they might feel guilted into offering an alternative as we talked about.
• 12:21
  Right.
• 12:22
  It also creates emotional exhaustion.
• 12:25
  For both parties, because constantly hoping that the other person will read between the lines it's really draining and it can lead to disappointment when they don't.
• 12:33
  And this emotional exhaustion, it is on both sides.
• 12:36
  Because if Amy isn't feeling like this other person is really understanding her overwhelm, she might continue to say, okay, well, they don't understand how busy I am.
• 12:44
  I better talk about it more and I better approach it from this angle.
• 12:47
  So that's emotionally exhausting for her.
• 12:50
  And it's also emotionally exhausting for the other person, because then they're scrambling in their head trying to figure out ok.
• 12:56
  well she said she could do this thing, but she also sounds super overwhelmed.
• 13:00
  So now I am unclear about how to proceed, because I want to honor her word that she said she could do it, but I'm confused now by her overwhelmed.
• 13:08
  So it's that emotional exhaustion on both ends.
• 13:11
  It also kind of creates an erosion of trust.
• 13:14
  Because over time, if this is a pattern in relationship of how she's showing up, it can really strain the relationship because others might start to feel emotionally manipulated.
• 13:23
  Or really unsure about how to interpret Amy's words.
• 13:26
  So for Amy, then learning how to manage her emotions and set boundaries than it involves recognizing that.
• 13:31
  First of all it is okay to just say no directly.
• 13:34
  In fact, it is preferable to just be clear in communication.
• 13:38
  Clear is kind.
• 13:40
  So by being more clear in her communication and being more direct in her"no" and in her capacity for what she can currently take on at the time, then she's able to reduce emotional exhaustion.
• 13:52
  She is taking ownership of her own needs rather than relying on others to just interpret her mental load.
• 13:59
  And this reduces the emotional exhaustion.
• 14:01
  Again, for both parties, it's taking ownership.
• 14:04
  It can feel like less work to make our boundary setting somebody else's responsibility.
• 14:09
  But it really puts us at a disadvantage it's disempowering.
• 14:13
  And so you can reduce that emotional exhaustion by just stating a boundary.
• 14:16
  It can also help to build stronger relationships because now the communication is clear and it's honest.
• 14:24
  And that just feels better.
• 14:26
  It feels more authentic.
• 14:27
  It feels more connective.
• 14:28
  It also helps her to feel more empowered herself because now she's prioritizing her own wellbeing without guilt or fear of judgment.
• 14:36
  Right.
• 14:37
  She's really good at saying yes.
• 14:38
  I really want to show up for you and I can see how important your needs are, but at the same time, she's neglecting her own needs.
• 14:44
  She is not honoring and respecting what it is that she needs in that moment.
• 14:49
  So let's explore some of the similarities between Emma and Amy.
• 14:53
  Now with Emma, it seems like she has no boundaries at all.
• 14:57
  Right.
• 14:57
  She's just going to say yes, she has no boundaries at all.
• 14:59
  Whereas with Amy then Amy, she wants to have boundaries, but she's making her boundaries, someone else's responsibility.
• 15:07
  And so this means that they both struggle with the same underlying issue the inability to take ownership of their own capacity their own emotions and their own ability to communicate their needs clearly.
• 15:19
  For both of them saying yes.
• 15:21
  When they mean to say no.
• 15:22
  Then it reflects a deeper fear of rejection of conflict or being perceived as unkind.
• 15:29
  A lot of it is about perception from others, how we're going to be perceived by others.
• 15:34
  So they are truly both deeply empathetic and they really want to help out other people, but their inability to manage their own emotions and boundaries, it really ultimately hurts them and it hurts their relationships.
• 15:46
  And I just want to be clear with you that I am right there with you.
• 15:49
  Admittedly, I tend to lean more towards the empathetic Emma personality.
• 15:53
  That says yes.
• 15:54
  And then regrets it later.
• 15:56
  And I kind of had an interesting experience this last week.
• 15:59
  Uh, when a friend made a comment to me.
• 16:01
  So my friend messaged me and said, oh, Hey yeah, my adult daughter is going to be checking in with you to see if you can watch her cat they're coming out for the holiday.
• 16:09
  And I was like, oh yeah, that's totally fine.
• 16:10
  I love her.
• 16:11
  I love her cat.
• 16:12
  That's fine.
• 16:13
  And just to tell you how fine it is.
• 16:15
  Let me tell you how cute this cat is.
• 16:17
  This cat is like a dog in the, it comes to the door when you come over and just waits to be welcomed.
• 16:22
  And then he'll climb right up on your lap and roll around.
• 16:25
  This is the cutest cat.
• 16:26
  It is like therapy for me.
• 16:27
  So this was totally fine.
• 16:29
  And what was really interesting was she told me later, she said, yeah, my daughter was kind of nervous to ask you to cat sit, because she just knows how busy everything has been with your move and everything.
• 16:39
  And she didn't want to inconvenience you.
• 16:41
  And, and so I told her, I said, don't worry if MaryAnn can't do it.
• 16:44
  She'll say no.
• 16:46
  And it was really interesting to notice what happened inside of me when she said that, because part of me was super-duper proud.
• 16:52
  I was like, oh, I'm true to my word.
• 16:55
  They know that they can believe me.
• 16:57
  And they trust that if it's going to make me angry or resentful later, the, I will say no that I'm not going to burn myself out and resent them later.
• 17:06
  Right.
• 17:06
  That felt so good to know that it was also really interesting to notice my own.
• 17:12
  Um, inner work that I have been doing on myself over the years, because sometimes it takes a while for your thoughts to match up with your current reality.
• 17:20
  So even though I've been significantly better at stating boundaries about tapping in to notice, okay, what's coming up for me.
• 17:26
  How is my energy level?
• 17:28
  What is my timeline?
• 17:29
  What is the I need right now?
• 17:30
  So I can show up as my best self.
• 17:32
  I've been doing all of that work, but part of me still thought, oh, but yeah, but aren't you just supposed to say?
• 17:38
  Yes.
• 17:39
  I mean, I'm probably the only person in the world that could watch her cat.
• 17:42
  Right.
• 17:42
  So it was kind of interesting to just notice the stories that you tell yourself.
• 17:46
  But to be proud of yourself when it's like, yeah, I have come a long way and doesn't it feel good to know that they can now trust my words.
• 17:54
  So anyway, just thought I'd share that random experience.
• 17:56
  So now let's kind of talk a bit about how managing our own emotions and stating boundaries can help.
• 18:02
  First of all it creates greater self-respect.
• 18:06
  By honoring your own needs, you can reinforce your own intrinsic worth and show yourself the same level of kindness that you offer so freely to others.
• 18:15
  More than likely you would never knowingly put someone out in order to have them accommodate you.
• 18:22
  And yet you probably, if you're listening to this episode and if you've gotten this deep into it, you probably do this to yourself all the time.
• 18:29
  You would never inconvenience anyone else.
• 18:31
  But you inconvenience yourself all the time and you do it in the name of love.
• 18:36
  But if you aren't truly loving yourself and then you find yourself feeling resentful and angry about it later.
• 18:42
  Then it's not actually helpful for the relationship.
• 18:45
  So when we state healthy boundaries, it increases not only respect from others because they can now trust your words.
• 18:51
  That yes means yes and no means.
• 18:53
  No, and there's no other strings attached, but it also increases your own personal levels of self-respect.
• 18:58
  It gives the brain evidence that we value and respect our own time.
• 19:03
  Our own energy and our own emotional states, at least as much as we value and respect other people's time, energy and emotional state.
• 19:13
  The second thing that does is it really helps to foster healthy relationships.
• 19:17
  Clear boundaries, foster trust, and mutual respect.
• 19:21
  When Emma and Amy communicate, honestly.
• 19:24
  They invite others to connect with their authentic selves, not the overextended exhausted version of themselves.
• 19:31
  And what's interesting is that for the bulk of my listeners, when other people tell them, no, we don't actually resent them for it.
• 19:38
  We actually have a very good ability to just accept people's no.
• 19:41
  We accept that if they tell us no, that they have a good reason and that it's fine.
• 19:46
  Right.
• 19:46
  For some reason, we think that their no's are more valid then our no's and that if we say no, then it will reflect negatively on us.
• 19:56
  So if your worth is conditional in that particular relationship upon what it is that you're doing in that relationship, if your relationship is conditional upon the number of yeses that you say, rather than having it be conditional upon clear and honest communication and mutual respect for boundaries, then that's probably not a healthy relationship.
• 20:18
  And it might be time to reassess what's happening there.
• 20:21
  But more than likely then this was just kind of an internal guide that you made up for yourself around your no's and the validity of your no's so practice stating those healthy boundaries and see how it increases the health and balance of your relationships.
• 20:35
  All right.
• 20:35
  The third thing it does is it helps to reduce resentment and burnout.
• 20:39
  Taking responsibility for your own emotions means no longer harboring resentment towards other people for not reading your mind or for not setting a boundary for you.
• 20:49
  Other people just aren't as sensitive as you.
• 20:51
  And we tend to resent other people.
• 20:53
  When we think that they should be as sensitive as us, we tend to think that they should be as accommodating as we are.
• 21:00
  Right.
• 21:01
  So we might actually hold it against them when we have this silent contract in our head that, well, I did this for them.
• 21:06
  And now when I ask them, they need to do this for me.
• 21:09
  And then when they don't reciprocate, then we tend to resent them.
• 21:12
  So just kind of notice if that is something.
• 21:14
  That is coming up for you and just practice instead of expecting other people to read your minds, practice, just having clear and honest communication.
• 21:22
  And if you tend to lean more on the Amy side of this equation, I want to remind you that less is more.
• 21:27
  We tend to think that I need to say more words, so they fully understand my current mental state, but we don't need to do that.
• 21:34
  Clear is kind and less is more so it's okay to just say, I'm sorry, I'm not available during that time period.
• 21:40
  End of sentence.
• 21:41
  Or to say, Hey, I'm happy to help you anytime after the 25th.
• 21:45
  I'm really busy until that deadline and then I can help or it's okay to say, okay, I'm available for lunch on Wednesday.
• 21:51
  Do Wednesdays work for you?
• 21:53
  You're being more clear in your communication.
• 21:54
  You're telling them when you are available, instead of investing all of your energy into telling them all the reasons why you're not available at that specific time, but instead it's communicating and finding a time that works for both of you so that you can both get your needs met.
• 22:10
  Saying no when necessary, will preserve your energy and it will also create space for the activities and the relationships that truly matter for you and that truly nourish your soul.
• 22:21
  And when you are truly nourishing you and taking that time for you, it increases your health, your energy and your vitality, and that actually increases your capacity to love and serve and show up for others in the way that you want to free of that resentment, because your cup is already filled, right?
• 22:37
  You can't pour from an empty cup.
• 22:39
  So take that time to nurture you and kind of think about your level of engagement.
• 22:44
  Think of it in terms of quality, rather than quantity.
• 22:47
  Right.
• 22:48
  Don't burn yourself out, giving a hundred yeses when you want to say no, but it's okay to say, okay, I can do 10 yeses this week.
• 22:56
  But take some time to really reflect on what is my capacity right now and what feels most in alignment with me and my value system.
• 23:02
  All right.
• 23:02
  Number four it increases connection.
• 23:05
  So paradoxically boundaries create more room for genuine connection.
• 23:10
  When Emma and Amy show up from a place of balance and authenticity, their relationships can actually thrive.
• 23:17
  This means that gone are the mixed signals where the other person is left wondering if you mean yes or no.
• 23:22
  Gone are the days when you're left silently resenting others as well as gone are the days the others might be silently resenting you for your mixed signaling.
• 23:30
  Healthy boundaries really do create more authentic communication.
• 23:35
  And again, If they are only your friend, because you never say no, they might not actually be that good of a friend.
• 23:42
  And maybe it's time for you to come and coach with me on that.
• 23:44
  So you can gain some clarity there and learn how to set some healthy boundaries there.
• 23:49
  Okay.
• 23:49
  So really briefly let's just cover a few practical steps for people pleasers.
• 23:53
  Okay.
• 23:53
  First practice self-awareness.
• 23:55
  Start by identifying when you're starting to experience resentment or overwhelm.
• 24:01
  This takes a lot of emotional intelligence to tap in with yourself.
• 24:04
  We tend to keep ourselves so busy that we neglect self, and sometimes we don't even know what it is that we're experiencing until it's too late.
• 24:10
  So notice for yourself, what are the early signs of resentment and overwhelm?
• 24:14
  How does it show up for you?
• 24:16
  For me.
• 24:16
  I know when I'm physically really tired that probably it means mentally I have overloaded myself.
• 24:22
  There's a big correlation for me, between mind and body.
• 24:25
  So just get curious about what are the major signs for me that I'm starting to experience resentment, or I'm starting to experience overwhelm because these are a sign of overextending.
• 24:34
  So use that as a cue that something is off, see, if you can identify the boundary and actually put it into place.
• 24:41
  And the earlier the better.
• 24:43
  Because resentment only grows over time.
• 24:45
  We think we're keeping the peace by staying silent, but we're actually just kind of building a pressure chamber and it might explode later.
• 24:51
  So the earlier you can address it, the earlier can state a boundary, the better.
• 24:55
  All right.
• 24:56
  Next practice saying no.
• 24:58
  And start small.
• 24:59
  Practice using phrases.
• 25:00
  Like I'd love to help, but I'm at capacity right now.
• 25:03
  Identify what it is that you need to say no to and when you need to say no and also invest a little time and energy into thinking on when can I give a wholehearted yes?
• 25:14
  I do want to say yes to this person.
• 25:16
  I want to be able to show up for them.
• 25:17
  I want to be able to help them out.
• 25:19
  I want to be able to be the kind of friend and partner that they need right now.
• 25:22
  When can I genuinely give a wholehearted yes?
• 25:25
  And then that leads into, okay.
• 25:27
  I'm focusing on the quality time here over the quantity.
• 25:30
  Right.
• 25:30
  Okay.
• 25:31
  Hey, you want to get together Friday night at six?
• 25:33
  Let's go out to dinner.
• 25:34
  Let's talk, let's catch up.
• 25:36
  Let's create some quality time together.
• 25:38
  It can make a big difference.
• 25:40
  Now as you're practicing your yeses and your nos also have some self-compassion..
• 25:45
  I confess that there was a season in my life where I felt like I had to say no to everything because the burnout was so significant.
• 25:55
  And the more burned out I was the more resentful I became.
• 25:59
  And I don't just mean that I was resentful when I said yes, what I wanted to say no.
• 26:04
  But I was so burned out that even someone asking a question would create resentment in me.
• 26:12
  And once I recognized that, wow, I'm in resentful before I've even said yes or no.
• 26:17
  That was a huge indicator to me that okay.
• 26:19
  I'm really burned out.
• 26:20
  I need to take some time for me..
• 26:23
  So, yeah.
• 26:24
  Take your time, figuring out what your yeses are and what your nos are.
• 26:28
  Because remember your yeses and your nos are intertwined, you cannot say yes to something without, at the same time simultaneously saying no.
• 26:35
  To something else.
• 26:36
  So if you're saying yes to helping somebody else yeah that might feel great in the moment, but you're also saying no at the same time to your own self care.
• 26:43
  So take the time that you need to fill your own cup.
• 26:45
  Get more clear.
• 26:46
  On those yeses and nos.
• 26:49
  I really wish that during my own personal time of burnout, that I had been working with a coach, I'm sure I could have gotten through it a lot quicker.
• 26:55
  And with significantly less pain than trying to just figure that out on my own.
• 26:59
  It can be done on your own, but again, if you need some help and support working through your burnout, I highly encourage you to find a coach to work with.
• 27:07
  And I would be happy to work with you and just help you to identify those yeses and those nos and how they're impacting you personally.
• 27:15
  All right.
• 27:15
  Another thing, just kind of reframe it, how it is that you think about boundaries.
• 27:19
  Sometimes then, especially the people pleasers.
• 27:21
  They're thinking about boundaries as keeping people out, but really boundaries are way to keep people in.
• 27:27
  Boundaries, help you to identify how we can co-exist in a more sustainable way.
• 27:32
  So recognize that boundaries are not barriers.
• 27:35
  They're actually bridges to healthier interactions.
• 27:38
  And boundaries are not saying, Hey, you can't do this to me.
• 27:42
  Right.
• 27:42
  Sometimes we think, oh, I just need to tell them, don't ask me any more.
• 27:45
  And that's my boundary.
• 27:46
  But a boundary instead is if someone makes a request of me, this is how I'm going to respond.
• 27:51
  You are responsible for your own mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing.
• 27:55
  So take that time for you.
• 27:57
  You need to learn how to manage your own time and energy as well as the emotions that can come up from saying no when you're used to saying yes.
• 28:03
  And again, a coach can really help you with this.
• 28:05
  The brain wants to say that the world is going to end.
• 28:08
  If we tell somebody no.
• 28:10
  The world's going to end.
• 28:11
  They're not going to be my friend anymore.
• 28:12
  I'm going to be kicked out of the tribe.
• 28:14
  It's the end of the world.
• 28:15
  But really for the most part, the worst case scenario is that somebody is going to feel just a little bit uncomfortable for a few minutes.
• 28:22
  And that's okay.
• 28:23
  Either.
• 28:24
  You're going to feel uncomfortable because you're doing something you've never done before.
• 28:27
  You're saying no, when you've traditionally said yes.
• 28:29
  And that can feel a little bit uncomfortable or the other person might feel a little bit uncomfortable because, oh, I really thought that they were going to be able to help me with this thing and now I need to find somebody else.
• 28:40
  But guess what that form of discomfort is wonderful.
• 28:43
  It's great for them to look for alternatives.
• 28:45
  It's great for them to find other people that can also step in when needed so it's not all on your shoulders.
• 28:51
  It's going to be okay.
• 28:52
  In most cases again, I'm just going to say it one more time.
• 28:55
  The worst case scenario is just a little bit of discomfort for a few minutes and it's going to be okay.
• 29:01
  All right.
• 29:01
  My last tip is seek support therapy, coaching or journaling can really help you to uncover the fears that are driving your people pleasing patterns.
• 29:10
  So find safe people to practice boundaries with.
• 29:14
  You might notice that it might just be in certain relationships where you're really struggle with boundaries.
• 29:19
  If there's one relationship where you really have a hard time with boundaries, definitely come and work with a coach or a therapist on that.
• 29:25
  Um, it can be interesting to see what happens in different relationships, but also if you just need help in general, with knowing how to say no, it can be helpful to have that outside perspective to show you what it is that it's creating for you when you're saying yes when you want to say no, because it might be creating those headaches, those stomach aches, the physical fatigue, it can be impacting you very physically.
• 29:44
  It might be impacting your other relationships where now they're being neglected while you're doing this thing.
• 29:48
  So really thinking through what is the true cost of my saying yes when I want to say no?
• 29:53
  And having an outside perspective.
• 29:54
  Perspective on that to ask you those questions and give you those insights can be extremely helpful.
• 30:01
  It can also be helpful to have an outsider kind of give you a little bit of perspective as to what your limiting beliefs are.
• 30:07
  What are the core beliefs that are leading to these people pleasing behaviors.
• 30:10
  So a few common beliefs that people pleasers have art.
• 30:13
  Well, if I say no, they won't like me anymore.
• 30:16
  Well, okay.
• 30:16
  If I can do this, it means I should do this.
• 30:20
  Or maybe they're even thinking, okay, well, if I do this for them, then they'll know how it is that I want to be treated then they;'ll show up for me.
• 30:27
  And it might be like a silent contract.
• 30:29
  That's in your head, but then you're perpetually disappointed because they don't know about this contract.
• 30:34
  And these thoughts, they might sound pretty benign on the surface, but really exploring them deeper can help you to see where your true value lies.
• 30:43
  I also want to remind you to really take the time to celebrate your personal growth and your personal progress.
• 30:48
  Celebrate that.
• 30:49
  Every time you state a boundary celebrate that.
• 30:51
  You are actively taking steps toward a more balanced and fulfilling life.
• 30:55
  So celebrate it.
• 30:56
  Celebrate it, when you lean into that discomfort.
• 30:59
  celebrate it when somebody learns how to turn to somebody else and make a second phone call.
• 31:03
  That's great news for you.
• 31:05
  Celebrate it.
• 31:05
  When you have identified your limits and you've actually placed boundaries around your personal limits around your time, your energy, your mental, physical, emotional wellbeing.
• 31:16
  just celebrate those things because you are in fact making life more sustainable for you.
• 31:21
  And that's pure magic.
• 31:23
  So by learning how to manage our emotions and set these clear boundaries, you can rewrite your stories and actually transform your people pleasing tendencies into healthy empathy that actually strengthens.
• 31:35
  Both your relationships as well as your personal wellbeing.
• 31:40
  So if, as you've been listening, if you think, you know what, I could really use some support reach out, I would love to work with you.
• 31:46
  I'm also going to link in the show notes, a few other episodes that might be helpful for you.
• 31:50
  I've had a big influx of listeners over the last month or so.
• 31:53
  So I'm going to link a few episodes in the show notes that specifically deal with this.
• 31:57
  So specifically I'm going to be posting an episode in the show notes I'll link to it on how to state boundaries as a highly sensitive person.
• 32:04
  I'm also going to link one on energetic boundaries.
• 32:07
  I'm linking an episode on stop people pleasing and start loving how to tell the difference.
• 32:12
  And then also a link to, um, the last in a, I believe it's a four-part series on the drama triangle, but the particular episode that I'm going to link to is, um, a episode I did on rescuer energy and what it looks like when you're trying to jump in and rescue people when really they need to learn how to rescue themselves.
• 32:31
  Right.
• 32:32
  So learning the difference between rescuing and enabling and what that looks like.
• 32:36
  So check out the show notes, if you would like to listen to those episodes.
• 32:41
  And as always, if you would like to work one-on-one with me.
• 32:44
  Uh, send me a message.
• 32:45
  I also have a link in the show notes for that.
• 32:47
  So come to our website, www.maryannwalker.life or send me a message on social media and yeah.
• 32:52
  Apply to work with me.
• 32:53
  Now I'm currently offering six week packages and we have a lot of fun.
• 32:57
  And these one-on-one sessions.
• 32:59
  So come and work with me.
• 33:00
  All right.
• 33:00
  Well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 33:02
  Find out.