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Mojo Monday - Letting Go of How Life 'Should Be' with Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, Carly Taylor here, Welcome to Mojo Monday. Today
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  Speaker 1: we're going to talk about something that we all struggle
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  Speaker 1: with with very intensity, and that is our expectation of
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  Speaker 1: reality versus reality itself. And this is such a common
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  Speaker 1: source of stress. We can build up this picture in
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  Speaker 1: our minds of how things should be. So Christmas is
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  Speaker 1: a classic example. I can't believe Christmas is just around
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  Speaker 1: the corner. It's crazy that it's November, but that's the reality.
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  Speaker 1: But it's meant to be this joyful time and this
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  Speaker 1: gathering field with love and harmony where everything just feels right.
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  Speaker 1: But for many, it doesn't always play out that way.
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  Speaker 1: For some people, Christmas means spending time with family members
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  Speaker 1: that maybe they don't get along with. Or there's those
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  Speaker 1: kids with separated parents who have to go from one
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  Speaker 1: place to the other. And I mentioned that because that
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  Speaker 1: was me when I was young, and it was it
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  Speaker 1: was such a source of stress for me. Or it's about,
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  Speaker 1: you know, buying all the food or just making everyone happy,
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  Speaker 1: or maybe another example is that you've gone through or
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  Speaker 1: you are going through a really tough time. Maybe there's
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  Speaker 1: a difficult diagnosis or relationship strains or just a sense
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  Speaker 1: of things not being as you hoped they would turn out.
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  Speaker 1: So when reality doesn't match that picture that we hold
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  Speaker 1: or that expectation, we can really experience a lot of
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  Speaker 1: stress and disappointment and even anger, and we get trapped
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  Speaker 1: in these thoughts like this isn't fair or why can't
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  Speaker 1: things be different? Or why me? But the truth is reality,
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  Speaker 1: as hard as it sometimes feels, it's the only truth
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  Speaker 1: that we have. So Marcus Aurelius, the Stoic philosopher, he
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  Speaker 1: reminds us that you have power over your mind, not
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  Speaker 1: outside events. Realize this and you will find strength. In
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  Speaker 1: other words, we can't control what happens, but we can
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  Speaker 1: control how we respond to what happens. And one of
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  Speaker 1: the core teachings in both acts, which is acceptance commitment
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  Speaker 1: therapy and Japanese psychology, is that it's not reality itself
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  Speaker 1: that's causing us the suffering, but our resistance to it.
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  Speaker 1: So the struggle comes from our thoughts insisting that it
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  Speaker 1: shouldn't be this way or I can't handle this, And
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  Speaker 1: this mental resistance doesn't change reality, it only often intensifies
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  Speaker 1: the suffering that comes with it. So last week I
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  Speaker 1: mentioned about year twelve exams, which my daughter is going through,
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  Speaker 1: so it's relevant, very relevant at the moment. But I
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  Speaker 1: just wanted to give this as an example because it's
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  Speaker 1: a very real example of this. Those students who are
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  Speaker 1: in year twelve who are just finishing exams, some of
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  Speaker 1: them have finished them already. You know, they've worked hard,
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  Speaker 1: or maybe they haven't worked hard, but exams are finally done.
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  Speaker 1: And then after an exam, it's really common to have
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  Speaker 1: this flood of oh what if thoughts, like maybe I
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  Speaker 1: shouldn't have answered that question that way, maybe I should
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  Speaker 1: have answered it differently, or why weren't the questions on
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  Speaker 1: the topics that I studied the most? And these are
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  Speaker 1: all very normal responses. But here's the thing. Once the
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  Speaker 1: exam is done, it's done. So going over those questions
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  Speaker 1: in our mind and wishing things had gone differently won't
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  Speaker 1: change the outcome. And the reality is it's over. Nothing
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  Speaker 1: more is within your control. But if you stay in
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  Speaker 1: that space of regret or worry, the stress and anxiety
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  Speaker 1: can really build up. This is a classic example of
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  Speaker 1: needing to let go of control, and there are so
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  Speaker 1: many examples of this for us, all acknowledging any disappointment
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  Speaker 1: or frustration, but not allowing it to consume you to
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  Speaker 1: the point where it interferes with the here and now.
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  Speaker 1: You do your best and you take the rest as
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  Speaker 1: it comes, and that is being grounded in reality. So
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  Speaker 1: think of it like standing in a river and fighting
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  Speaker 1: against the current. The more you resist, the more exhausted
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  Speaker 1: you become. But if you accept that the river is flowing,
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  Speaker 1: you're free to choose how you move with it. Maybe
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  Speaker 1: you swim, maybe you find a rock to rest on,
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  Speaker 1: but you're no longer exhausting yourself fighting something that you
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  Speaker 1: can't control. And this doesn't mean that you ignore how
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  Speaker 1: you're feeling. You allow yourself to feel what you're feeling.
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  Speaker 1: And if in any disappointment arises, do you notice it.
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  Speaker 1: Let it be a part of the landscape without letting
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  Speaker 1: it take over. So accepting doesn't mean that you like
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  Speaker 1: what's happening, just that you're willing to acknowledge it as reality.
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  Speaker 1: And then it's about shifting your attention. So some questions
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  Speaker 1: to help you shift your attention are, well, what is
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  Speaker 1: important right now? What strengths do I need to draw
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  Speaker 1: on in this moment? And these questions can help you
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  Speaker 1: reconnect with your values and your purpose, the purpose in
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  Speaker 1: this moment, bringing you back to the present and for
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  Speaker 1: our year twelves. For instance, what's important right now might
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  Speaker 1: be resting, spending time with friends, or reconnecting with people,
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  Speaker 1: or celebrating all the hard work and the fact that
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  Speaker 1: it's now over. So it might mean focusing on the
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  Speaker 1: next chapter instead of clinging to something that you can't change.
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  Speaker 1: So when we turn our focus to what matters, we
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  Speaker 1: move out of this deluge usion and into reality. We're
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  Speaker 1: not living in the future that may never come or
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  Speaker 1: a past that we can't change. We're here fully in
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  Speaker 1: this moment, and that's powerful. That's where life is happening.
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  Speaker 1: So the Bordher once said, your worst enemy cannot harm
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  Speaker 1: you as much as your own unguarded thoughts. And I
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  Speaker 1: think this is such an important reminder. When we get
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  Speaker 1: caught up in this deluded thinking, you know, imagining how
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  Speaker 1: life should be, we actually block ourselves from experiencing life
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  Speaker 1: as it is, this rich and complex and yes sometimes
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  Speaker 1: painful life. But when we accept things as they are,
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  Speaker 1: we open up the possibility to respond meaningfully. So this week,
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  Speaker 1: if you find yourself struggling with the reality of life,
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  Speaker 1: the reality of your situation. Try to notice when you're resisting,
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  Speaker 1: name it, feel it, and then gently ask yourself, well,
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  Speaker 1: what's important here? How can I align my response with
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  Speaker 1: what's important my values? And then take action whatever that is.
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  Speaker 1: Always do something, because the alternative is to be lost
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  Speaker 1: in thought and that can bring up stress. So moving
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  Speaker 1: taking action is how we ground ourselves. And whether it's
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  Speaker 1: a small step or a big one, each action will
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  Speaker 1: bring us back to the present moment. And each time
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  Speaker 1: we do this, we're choosing a life rooted in reality,
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  Speaker 1: in acceptance, and in meaning. Thank you for joining me
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  Speaker 1: on this week's My Joe Monday. I pipe this brings
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  Speaker 1: you a bit of peace and clarity as you navigate
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  Speaker 1: to your week this week, and I'll catch you next
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  Speaker 1: week By