Latest / Midlife Rising / 40: Stop Trying to Get Back to Who You Were. Do This Instead.

Transcript

40: Stop Trying to Get Back to Who You Were. Do This Instead. · Midlife Rising

• 0:00
  Jen: Welcome.
• 0:01
  Jen: This is the Midlife Rising podcast.
• 0:03
  Jen: One of our Midlife Red Tent clients was recently asking for guidance on how to reclaim her identity.
• 0:09
  Jen: And what she meant was, how do I get back to my strong, capable, high-performing self?
• 0:17
  Jen: Instead of feeling like a victim, she had gone through a bit of a tough time and felt that that identity was gone and she wanted to reclaim this strong, capable identity.
• 0:29
  Jen: And it's gotten us thinking about how a lot of midlife women are probably doing the same thing.
• 0:38
  Jen: They're feeling betrayed by their bodies, they're not as efficient as they used to be, they don't have as much energy.
• 0:45
  Jen: So they feel weaker, less capable.
• 0:50
  Jen: And to put it kind of in short, less of a superwoman.
• 0:55
  Jen: And we were also thinking about how much we as women in general have tethered our self-worth to this sort of identity.
• 1:04
  Jen: If we're not able to do as much or be as productive as we used to be, then we're not as worthy or valuable.
• 1:10
  Jen: And there are also a lot of midlife women who are struggling with the empty nest.
• 1:17
  Jen: Either the kids are going off to university, or maybe this is the point where they realize that kids aren't going to happen.
• 1:25
  Jen: And our society has ingrained in us that as a woman, being a mother, caring for others, and being needed is what gives us value.
• 1:40
  Jen: And then when our identity of being a mom or the hopes of being a mom starts to shift with the empty nest, with losing our fertility, then we experience an identity crisis.
• 1:56
  Jen: So this episode is not how about how to reclaim your identity.
• 2:03
  Jen: So if you want to know how to do that, then keep listening.
• 2:13
  Jen: You're a woman over 40 who spent your life being the one who holds it all together.
• 2:17
  Jen: But now your body's changing and your soul is done pretending everything is fine.
• 2:22
  Jen: Welcome to Midlife Rising.
• 2:25
  Jen: We're your hosts, Sherry and Jen, twin sisters and modern medicine women, here to help you rewire your stress response, balance your hormones, and reclaim your feminine power.
• 2:35
  Jen: Every episode is a rebellion against the rules you never agreed to and a return to yourself.
• 2:40
  Jen: Join us where midlife isn't a crisis, it's a catalyst.
• 2:44
  Jen: Jen, I was just listening to that intro that you gave, and I'm so glad that you mentioned the women who wanted kids, or maybe they didn't want kids, but they're just in midlife and realizing, okay, this is an identity I am not going to have, this the motherhood identity.
• 3:04
  Jen: Because that's really where this whole self-worth thing started for me.
• 3:09
  Jen: It's where, like this is it was through that process for me that I really started to realize how much I was tethering my own self-worth to being a mother, becoming a mother.
• 3:24
  Jen: So I'm glad you added that in.
• 3:26
  Jen: Yeah, I think it's important because, well, first of all, every so many podcasts out there assume they're talking to mothers.
• 3:35
  Jen: Like they assume that if they're talking to women, they're talking to mothers.
• 3:39
  Jen: And after like being with you throughout this whole journey where you haven't been able to have kids, I'm so aware of that is how often that assumption comes up, or how often people make that assumption.
• 3:56
  Jen: And so I feel like it's part of our calling to remind women and men too, that that's not we've been trained to think that motherhood is worthy, is the only worthy, um, is the only worthy identity for women.
• 4:24
  Jen: Yep.
• 4:26
  Jen: It's the thing that makes us worthy.
• 4:28
  Jen: And then when you don't get to have that, then who am I?
• 4:33
  Jen: Yeah.
• 4:33
  Jen: So you went through an identity shift back then, like when you first started going through perimenopause, realizing, oh my God, this is really not gonna happen now.
• 4:43
  Jen: Yeah, and it is an identity shift.
• 4:45
  Jen: The the identity that I was holding on to was, I am hoping to be a mom.
• 4:49
  Jen: I'm becoming a mom.
• 4:50
  Jen: I'm going to become a mom.
• 4:52
  Jen: Those are identities that I was still hanging on to.
• 4:56
  Jen: And then when it wasn't gonna happen, I was like, oh, okay, I actually have to shift that identity to I am not becoming a mom.
• 5:05
  Jen: This isn't gonna happen.
• 5:07
  Jen: So that's like, even though we wouldn't say mother, non-mother, it there is an identity shift from hoping to be one to the loss of that hope.
• 5:19
  Jen: Yeah.
• 5:20
  Jen: And also most of us, most of it is intangible.
• 5:23
  Jen: And most of us would also wouldn't think of necessarily go, I need to shift my identity, or I am shifting my identity.
• 5:33
  Jen: Like it's not something that we go around thinking about any day, any every day.
• 5:37
  Jen: Yep.
• 5:38
  Jen: It feels different than that, or we think about it differently.
• 5:40
  Jen: And it's more like it's more like, oh my God, my kids are going to university.
• 5:47
  Jen: What am I gonna do now with all this time I have?
• 5:52
  Jen: How am I gonna communicate with my husband?
• 5:55
  Jen: And and the underlying part that we don't necessarily name or even know how to name is the identity shift part.
• 6:07
  Jen: Like I'm I'm not gonna be like a full-time mother, or not full-time's the wrong word.
• 6:16
  Jen: I'm not mothering anymore.
• 6:18
  Jen: I'm not care taking care of my kids anymore.
• 6:20
  Jen: Yeah.
• 6:21
  Jen: And that's a it's kind of a subconscious underlying thing.
• 6:24
  Jen: Like there's, of course, there's women who are aware of it and would call it identity shift, but lots of people wouldn't call it an identity crisis because when we hear identity crisis, at least I used to think that was like a crisis.
• 6:36
  Jen: Like it's gonna feel like this big thing.
• 6:40
  Jen: And it doesn't.
• 6:43
  Jen: It's just this low-grade anxiety or this uncomfortable feeling that lives under the surface.
• 6:51
  Jen: Yeah.
• 6:51
  Jen: And to take that a step further, you know, just taking expanding this outside of the motherhood identity, there's so many identities that we hold throughout, you know, our 20s and then our 30s, and they shift even then.
• 7:07
  Jen: But there's so many, so many things that come up in midlife.
• 7:12
  Jen: Like we were talking about this earlier, about how we we have this idea that we are strong and capable and independent, and we're the ones who hold all the everything together.
• 7:24
  Jen: We're the ones who juggle all the balls, keep all the balls in the air.
• 7:28
  Jen: And then in midlife, that kind of shifts.
• 7:33
  Jen: Like I definitely, my body's shifting.
• 7:37
  Jen: I need more rest than I used to.
• 7:39
  Jen: I I don't, I can't, I don't even know how people, like I'm so thankful that I have my own business because I don't think I could sit down at a desk at nine o'clock and work right through doll five.
• 7:51
  Jen: I just don't have to.
• 7:53
  Jen: I can tell you.
• 7:54
  Jen: I can tell you because I'm doing that right now as my side hustle.
• 7:59
  Jen: Your side hustle.
• 8:00
  Jen: While I get through my I know that's actually my full-time hustle, but I see it as my side hustle because it's temporary while I get through the refinancing of my post separation with my husband stuff.
• 8:14
  Jen: Yep.
• 8:15
  Jen: And holy smokes, it's killing me.
• 8:18
  Jen: Yeah.
• 8:19
  Jen: Like I don't, I don't know, I don't know whether it's that I'm older now and not as eight, well, I I definitely know it is partially that.
• 8:27
  Jen: Like we do not have the cognitive energy to go eight hours a day.
• 8:32
  Jen: We have about four or five.
• 8:34
  Jen: And I learned that from a neuroscientist, actually, that people only have four or five hours of cognitive energy, which is we think we have 12 or 14.
• 8:50
  Jen: And in fact, like she she um she talks about how when Obama became the US president, um, he got counseling on how to maximize his cognitive energy.
• 9:06
  Jen: And even things as little as deciding what to wear every day take up our cognitive energy.
• 9:13
  Jen: It's like we're sipping water from a bottle, and when the water's gone, it's gone.
• 9:17
  Jen: So he wore the same thing every day.
• 9:19
  Jen: Yeah, well, and um Steve Jobs did that.
• 9:24
  Jen: Were the same thing every day.
• 9:26
  Jen: He might have had like different versions, like five black mock neck, whatever t-shirt thingies that he wore and jeans.
• 9:35
  Jen: Yeah, that's makes so much sense.
• 9:37
  Jen: Yeah.
• 9:38
  Jen: So we have, and then our cognitive energy goes down when we hit midlife.
• 9:43
  Jen: Everyone's not just women, everyone.
• 9:47
  Jen: And so suddenly we feel like we're not the strong, capable woman anymore because we know we can't do this what we used to.
• 9:55
  Jen: And uh sure, like I I see this all the time because and I I've learned this through my own business because I I used to have my my previous business was helping women to get out of the busyness and slow down.
• 10:09
  Jen: And what I realized is that they don't want to.
• 10:14
  Jen: Yes.
• 10:14
  Jen: They want their energy back.
• 10:16
  Jen: Like they're like, I don't want to slow down.
• 10:18
  Jen: I want to be my 40-year-old, my 30-year-old self.
• 10:22
  Jen: Oh, that's so true.
• 10:23
  Jen: I was just thinking about that today.
• 10:24
  Jen: It's funny that you mentioned that.
• 10:26
  Jen: So they don't want to give up that I was gonna say they don't, they don't want to give up that identity.
• 10:32
  Jen: I'm the strong, capable, high-performing woman.
• 10:34
  Jen: I'm productive, and I'm the one, I'm reliable, I'm the go-to person.
• 10:39
  Jen: Whatever that looks like for you as our listener, we don't want to give it up.
• 10:43
  Jen: And that this is what it feels like to go through this identity crisis.
• 10:47
  Jen: I guess that's kind of what we're describing is like this is what the identity crisis feels like when you hit midlife.
• 10:53
  Jen: Yep.
• 10:54
  Jen: And what we've realized is that this is not actually an identity crisis.
• 11:00
  Jen: It's a self-worth crisis.
• 11:02
  Jen: If we give up the identity, if we're no longer the busy, high-functioning, high capacity woman, that somehow makes us less, less valuable, less worthy.
• 11:18
  Jen: Yep.
• 11:19
  Jen: And I know for a fact that this client is the highest performing.
• 11:23
  Jen: I'm not gonna say what she does, but she's the highest performing in what she does in their office.
• 11:29
  Jen: And she's been having, she's been trying to step back from work for a couple of years and has been unable to, not because of finances, like she's very, very stable financially.
• 11:45
  Jen: She could retire today if she wanted to.
• 11:47
  Jen: It's that she's unable, unwilling subconsciously to give up this, but I'm the high performer, I'm the high functioner.
• 11:56
  Jen: Yeah.
• 11:57
  Jen: And when our body forces us, the body shifts on its own, it forces us to slow down, and we don't have the kind of bandwidth that we used to, emotional or physical, then we start to feel a bit like we've we don't recognize ourselves anymore.
• 12:18
  Jen: We're no longer that identity.
• 12:20
  Jen: It's shifting right underneath of our feet.
• 12:22
  Jen: It's also we stop trusting ourselves.
• 12:25
  Jen: Like when your body's not behaving the way it uh it used to, and and also, so that like this particular client has has gone through a bit of a like a real life crisis in her marriage, and she doesn't trust herself anymore either, and she wants to reclaim that.
• 12:46
  Jen: And I think that that's also part of our identity.
• 12:49
  Jen: Yes.
• 12:50
  Jen: It's like this is who I am.
• 12:52
  Jen: This has been a stable identity that I have held for a long time.
• 12:58
  Jen: And then when that crumbles, to your point, it feels like the whole foundation is crumbling.
• 13:07
  Jen: Yeah, and we don't feel very stable.
• 13:08
  Jen: Now that I think about it, Cher, that's actually like what I've been going through for a long time.
• 13:14
  Jen: Because I when I got out of the corporate world, oh yes, I no longer had my worth tied to my corporate job.
• 13:24
  Jen: Like I used to be, you know, the corporate, high performing, get promoted every six months kind of person.
• 13:30
  Jen: And then suddenly I didn't have that.
• 13:33
  Jen: And I was almost embarrassed.
• 13:35
  Jen: Like I had to very quickly find something else to do.
• 13:40
  Jen: Well, financially, of course, but to keep my identity as I'm a successful woman intact.
• 13:50
  Jen: And then when I crossed the planet and all of that, and that all fell apart, I have been struggling with my identity, like what is my identity as an entrepreneur who's growing a business, like in the growth phase.
• 14:05
  Jen: We're not yet at like the phase that I want to be in.
• 14:08
  Jen: So that's an identity that I've been struggling with.
• 14:11
  Jen: Well, you know what's so uh what is just hitting me, Jen, as you're talking.
• 14:15
  Jen: When I left the corporate world and I started my nutrition practice.
• 14:21
  Jen: And then I don't know if you remember this, but very quickly I discovered um a network marketing company.
• 14:29
  Jen: And I'm it's I'm just like realizing this now that as I look back, I just traded the corporate ladder for the network marketing one.
• 14:42
  Jen: Because there's the same ladder there, you know, and you get rewarded as you move up that ladder, as you build your business, as you build your team.
• 14:52
  Jen: And so I just jumped onto that ladder and tried to work my way up that and thought that that was gonna make me worthy as I was running my own business.
• 15:04
  Jen: So it has been, you know, when when I stopped doing that and really just started focusing on nutrition and coaching and um and my our all of our spiritual practices, then I had to have a reckoning with myself.
• 15:23
  Jen: Cause there was nowhere, it's it's only me.
• 15:26
  Jen: Or it was for a long time.
• 15:27
  Jen: Now it's the two of us, but I was kind of like, well, who am I if I'm not climbing a ladder?
• 15:34
  Jen: You know, right away I tried to like climb the ladder in the business world, like, oh, there's all these coaches online doing all these different things.
• 15:43
  Jen: And revenue became the ladder.
• 15:46
  Jen: Like, how much are you making?
• 15:48
  Jen: You know, everybody is like, you know, be a six figure, well, now it's a seven-figure business owner, but it used to be like six figures, make your first six figures, and everybody wanted to be able to say, Oh, I'm a six-figure business owner.
• 16:00
  Jen: I'm a six-figure coach.
• 16:02
  Jen: And now it's now everyone wants to be the seven-figure.
• 16:05
  Jen: Yeah.
• 16:06
  Jen: At least in this coach's world that that many of our listeners might not be in.
• 16:10
  Jen: Um, sure, I just had another thought too.
• 16:12
  Jen: I was having this conversation with Diane.
• 16:15
  Jen: Um, so I and I was thinking about this just today, that I always feel this judgment from Di that I'm not good enough because she's very high up in a company.
• 16:31
  Jen: Like she's been very successful in her corporate job and has stuck with it.
• 16:37
  Jen: So now she's at the director level.
• 16:40
  Jen: And well, C level.
• 16:42
  Jen: C level, yeah.
• 16:43
  Jen: Sorry, not even director.
• 16:44
  Jen: Um, and and I always feel this judgment from her.
• 16:48
  Jen: And her and I actually had a conversation about it months ago.
• 16:52
  Jen: And she's like, I'm not judging you.
• 16:54
  Jen: And I'm like, I know, but I feel it.
• 16:57
  Jen: And she's like, Well, it's not coming from me.
• 17:00
  Jen: And I knew it's because I'm judging myself for what I'm not doing or what I'm what I have or have not achieved yet.
• 17:09
  Jen: But that's I wanted to make that point because that's sometimes what this identity crisis feels like is like you've shifted, you're having to shift your identity, and you're looking back at what you were, or other people who have the identity that you still want to keep or still want.
• 17:26
  Jen: And you're feeling like they're judging you, or you're feeling resentment toward them.
• 17:33
  Jen: So there's a bunch of emotions that sort of go along with this identity shifting process.
• 17:40
  Jen: And those are two of them.
• 17:41
  Jen: It's like you feel more judged, even if they're not judging, and you feel you can feel envy or resentment.
• 17:50
  Jen: And actually, that was what she said back to me.
• 17:52
  Jen: She said, Well, I feel like you're envying me for my success and my money.
• 17:58
  Jen: And I said, Well, I'm not.
• 18:01
  Jen: I mean, I've I wish I had that, but I'm not looking at her with jealousy.
• 18:07
  Jen: I'm really proud of her for what she's accomplished and and I'm happy for her.
• 18:13
  Jen: So it goes both ways.
• 18:16
  Jen: Like it's really interesting when these dynamics that happen.
• 18:19
  Jen: And I bring that up because I know that women who start to go through perimenopause and then and beyond feel all these things.
• 18:28
  Jen: So, Jen, I'm I'm wondering whether we I think that's a really great segue to like we you've sort of just described what it can feel like to have this sort of identity crisis and some of the signs, the judgment or the envy or the resentment, or um, looking at other people and comparing yourself to them is one of those signs.
• 18:55
  Jen: Some of the other ones that I'm thinking about are as we age, we start to feel invisible.
• 19:03
  Jen: We start to feel like we're less less needed, as you mentioned before, also feeling less of a sense of purpose because so much of that was tied up in having kids, trying to have kids, that whole cycle.
• 19:22
  Jen: And now it's kind of like, okay, what like what is my purpose now?
• 19:29
  Jen: What is what is my next chapter look like?
• 19:32
  Jen: So it can feel like uncertainty as well when your identity is shifting.
• 19:39
  Jen: Um I'm also thinking maybe we should talk a bit more about identities themselves and because there's such a there's such a difference between having an identity and holding on to it for dear life.
• 20:00
  Jen: Yeah.
• 20:02
  Jen: And there's also a difference, like we have we talk about a lot of identities in our society, like I'm a mother, I'm a busy mom.
• 20:10
  Jen: And there's also a lot of identities that it's an identity, but it's not really named.
• 20:16
  Jen: Like it's intangible.
• 20:18
  Jen: Yeah.
• 20:19
  Jen: And let so some of the some of the tangibles first.
• 20:22
  Jen: Let's just rhyme those off.
• 20:23
  Jen: Like there's f familial ones, like I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a friend, I'm a spouse.
• 20:30
  Jen: There's things that you do that we identify with.
• 20:35
  Jen: Like I'm a business owner, I'm an athlete, I'm a runner, I'm a director, I'm a CEO.
• 20:45
  Jen: Um, but the intangibles are sometimes a bit more subtle, and we don't even think of them as identities, right?
• 20:54
  Jen: Yep.
• 20:54
  Jen: So one of them that I used to hold on to was I'm a good, not just a good mom, but I'm a good wife.
• 21:01
  Jen: Like not just I'm a wife, but I'm a good wife.
• 21:05
  Jen: So whenever my ex criticized me for something that I wasn't doing around that, and I had this idea about what a good wife looks like.
• 21:16
  Jen: So she's not only like a loving wife and um caring and a good mom, but she's also she keeps the house managed and she contributes financially and all these other things.
• 21:29
  Jen: So when he criticized me, let's say, for something that I hadn't done around the house, and he always used to say, you know, you don't put stuff away.
• 21:37
  Jen: And I was like, Yes, I do.
• 21:38
  Jen: I'm always putting your stuff away.
• 21:40
  Jen: And I would get so triggered by that because it was, it was going against what I, this intangible, arbitrary idea of what a good wife looks like.
• 21:53
  Jen: And part of that identity was she keeps the house very neat and Which I have to admit, I didn't keep it all that neat, especially since we had a young child.
• 22:05
  Jen: And um, but it it was like so the identity had this huge definition that was arbitrary around it.
• 22:14
  Jen: So that's what I want to say too, is like there are all these intangibles around our identities.
• 22:18
  Jen: It's not just what they're called.
• 22:20
  Jen: Yeah.
• 22:21
  Jen: And having identities isn't the issue.
• 22:26
  Jen: This is what I think is the most important part of this.
• 22:29
  Jen: It's when we tether our worth to those identities, when we tether our value to one of those identities.
• 22:40
  Jen: Because then if it goes away, then we don't know who we are.
• 22:44
  Jen: The um and this doesn't, this isn't just women that this happens to, but but it it's you know what we talked about earlier as a great example.
• 22:53
  Jen: When suddenly you don't get to become the mom you always thought you were going to be, or you are no longer mothering a child on a full-time basis because they've left the house, you don't get to have that identity.
• 23:06
  Jen: I I like to think about this in terms of my husband, who in high school had a spinal cord injury, as you know.
• 23:13
  Jen: And his the identity that he tethered his worth to was athlete.
• 23:22
  Jen: He was a really strong athlete.
• 23:24
  Jen: Thought he was going to go far academics, it was not something he put his energy into, didn't care about it.
• 23:31
  Jen: And then suddenly he was injured and then was like, who am I?
• 23:38
  Jen: Well, if I'm not an athlete, then I'm not worth anything.
• 23:43
  Jen: So that injury was probably even harder for him than it would be for someone else with the same injury who might have been a bookworm.
• 23:53
  Jen: Yeah.
• 23:54
  Jen: Might have had the identity like I'm a nerd or whatever.
• 23:57
  Jen: It might have even been it would be a different experience.
• 23:59
  Jen: Yeah.
• 24:00
  Jen: And in in my case, Cher, I it was the same thing.
• 24:02
  Jen: I was tethering my worth to this idea that I had about what a good mom looks like.
• 24:10
  Jen: And so I got very triggered because I thought that was what was going to make me worthy in this world, not consciously, subconsciously thought this, that when somebody tried to tell me that I wasn't, or what I thought, what I wasn't a good wife, because I was getting criticized for something that was part of my definition in my identity, then I got then I got triggered by it.
• 24:38
  Jen: And that's the sign that you are too, you are holding on to that identity as something that is making you feel valuable.
• 24:48
  Jen: So coming back to midlife, we really start to feel this because it is a time of transition.
• 24:58
  Jen: It's a time of huge transition for our bodies physically, for our circumstances.
• 25:03
  Jen: Like our circumstances are changing in our families.
• 25:08
  Jen: They might be changing at work.
• 25:10
  Jen: There, our relationships are changing as well.
• 25:16
  Jen: Like you and I are feeling this right now with our mom who currently is in the hospital.
• 25:21
  Jen: And I have had to play the role of a different kind of daughter than I have played in past.
• 25:28
  Jen: So, you know, helping her walk down the hallway, I've never had to do that because she has been such a capable, strong, independent woman who figures everything out for herself and does everything herself.
• 25:43
  Jen: You know, at age 80 is still like putting together her own wafer furniture and all the things.
• 25:48
  Jen: And then suddenly, when I've never had to do that for her, I'm helping her shower and helping her get down the hallway.
• 25:56
  Jen: And this is, we assume this is going to be temporary, but I'm having to play a different role and it's shaking up my world.
• 26:04
  Jen: It is.
• 26:05
  Jen: And I don't, I don't want this identity shift.
• 26:08
  Jen: I don't want to become a caregiving daughter.
• 26:12
  Jen: Like, I don't want to become a caregiving daughter.
• 26:14
  Jen: I just want to be her daughter.
• 26:15
  Jen: Yeah.
• 26:16
  Jen: Like I'm not ready to help her shower.
• 26:18
  Sheri: Yeah.
• 26:19
  Jen: Yep.
• 26:20
  Jen: And that, and it's not like the physical thing about it that I don't want.
• 26:24
  Jen: It's that I don't want that dynamic to shift.
• 26:28
  Jen: So let's talk about um the the real root cause of this.
• 26:33
  Jen: And we've talked about some of these things before.
• 26:37
  Jen: You just talked about the glorification of the busy mom.
• 26:41
  Jen: There's also the glorification of self-sacrifice.
• 26:46
  Jen: I this kind of hit me today.
• 26:49
  Jen: We talk about what we sacrifice for other people.
• 26:53
  Jen: And we think that's a good thing.
• 26:55
  Jen: Like we sacrifice all these things for our children, or we sacrifice, you know, I sacrifice all the time for my dog.
• 27:03
  Jen: Um we sacrifice.
• 27:07
  Jen: But the the problem is not that we sacrifice, the problem is that we put people who sacrifice a lot on a pedestal.
• 27:15
  Jen: Exactly.
• 27:15
  Jen: They're better.
• 27:17
  Jen: Yes.
• 27:18
  Jen: And so then at least that's what society tells us is that they're better.
• 27:22
  Jen: Totally.
• 27:23
  Jen: So it's the messaging that we get.
• 27:27
  Jen: And this is societal, it's the glorification of these things.
• 27:30
  Jen: It's patriarchal, you know, it's systemic that women have been conditioned to take care of other people, to and lately, like as we entered the workforce, to be productive and efficient and strong and capable, and like women can do anything that men can do.
• 27:49
  Jen: So there's all of this messaging that now tells us that this is what makes you valuable.
• 28:00
  Jen: This is what makes you worthy.
• 28:02
  Jen: Yeah.
• 28:02
  Jen: And that's it's not to say we don't I'm not grateful for how far we've come with like women can do whatever men can do.
• 28:11
  Jen: No, not at all.
• 28:13
  Jen: But at the same time, it has pushed women into this persona of I've got to do it all.
• 28:21
  Jen: And then I'm the woman who does it all, which becomes an identity that not for every woman, but for many is what she's pegging her value against.
• 28:35
  Jen: So if she's not productive, striving, achieving, then she's not worthy.
• 28:42
  Jen: And she needs to strive more.
• 28:43
  Jen: And that's a downward spiral, right?
• 28:45
  Jen: Like we hit our forties and suddenly our bodies aren't doing what they used to do.
• 28:53
  Jen: We don't have as much energy as we used to have, or even our emotional capacity, like we get maybe stressed out or anxious more quickly, or things irritate us more quickly than they used to.
• 29:08
  Jen: So all that starts to shift, and then we start to buy into this messaging that, oh, if I can't do as much, if I don't have the emotional capacity I used to, then that makes me less worthy.
• 29:24
  Jen: And it's like a vicious cycle.
• 29:27
  Jen: You feel less worthy, you know, your your capacity changes.
• 29:32
  Jen: We look at that as failure.
• 29:34
  Jen: Like if you can't perform as well or as much at work, we we feel like I'm not as good as I used to be.
• 29:44
  Jen: I'm not as high performing as I used to be.
• 29:47
  Jen: And then the self-worth drops, and then we push harder.
• 29:52
  Jen: We try to do more, we try to get more efficient at what we're doing.
• 29:56
  Jen: And then that becomes a part of the burnout.
• 30:01
  Jen: The nervous system becomes dysregulated.
• 30:04
  Jen: We get even less capable.
• 30:06
  Jen: That perpetuates the message that we're giving ourselves that we're not as capable, that we're not as worthy.
• 30:13
  Jen: And it goes on and on.
• 30:15
  Jen: It reinforces that belief.
• 30:17
  Jen: And it in that spiral somewhere, there is also shame.
• 30:21
  Jen: Like when our self-worth goes down, we feel shame about it.
• 30:25
  Jen: I'm I'm less capable, I am failing.
• 30:28
  Jen: Um, and that's shameful.
• 30:30
  Jen: So we have we want to avoid that shame.
• 30:33
  Jen: And I think it's the shame that perpetuates or the avoidance of shame that perpetuates that cycle.
• 30:41
  Jen: Yes, exactly.
• 30:43
  Jen: And I was just a funny anecdote.
• 30:45
  Jen: I have a friend who says who's going through all of this now and like the brain fog and stuff.
• 30:49
  Jen: She's just like, I I'm living on caffeine and embarrassment is what she says.
• 30:56
  Sheri: Yeah.
• 30:56
  Jen: Yeah.
• 30:57
  Jen: And that embarrassment is like, okay, I gotta, I gotta keep better track of these things and take better notes and and fix this.
• 31:04
  Jen: We push harder.
• 31:06
  Jen: Yeah.
• 31:06
  Jen: So we, and that's like one of the biggest mistakes that we can do is actually to push harder because that makes us more tired, more exhausted, and the brain fog is actually worse.
• 31:16
  Jen: And the feelings of failing become worse.
• 31:20
  Jen: And the judgment that you mentioned earlier, we judge ourselves for needing more time to do something, for needing to take notes even.
• 31:31
  Jen: Like I used to be someone who could remember everything, and now I have to take notes, for needing more rest, like for needing more sleep.
• 31:38
  Jen: So it's, you know, that's what we try to do to fix this.
• 31:44
  Jen: And yet that just leads to, well, more embarrassment, more, more burnout, more exhaustion and pretending you're fine.
• 31:54
  Jen: That's also like one of the biggest mistakes that women make.
• 31:57
  Jen: That actually makes it worse because it means you're not asking for help.
• 32:01
  Jen: Because we're like just trying to pretend that I'm still okay.
• 32:04
  Jen: I'm the same person I was.
• 32:05
  Jen: We don't ask for help because we don't people want people to know that we need help that we didn't need before.
• 32:11
  Jen: Yeah.
• 32:12
  Jen: Because that means it's going downhill.
• 32:14
  Jen: Yeah.
• 32:14
  Jen: We try to hang on to the identity for dear life, as I said earlier.
• 32:19
  Jen: Yeah.
• 32:20
  Jen: And and to sort of start bringing this around, we're not actually, like, even your our our client who said she was, she's trying to like, how do I reclaim this identity?
• 32:35
  Jen: It's not about reclaiming the identity.
• 32:39
  Jen: That's not actually what you're trying to do.
• 32:42
  Jen: You're trying to reclaim the version of yourself that once made you feel worthy.
• 32:48
  Jen: Yeah.
• 32:49
  Jen: And your worth is inherent.
• 32:52
  Jen: And yes, until you actually cultivate a sense of innate self-worth, which we're all born with, and it it it goes away as we're told life beats it out of us.
• 33:04
  Jen: Yeah.
• 33:04
  Jen: That's what you need to reclaim, really, is your worth, not that identity that you thought made you worthy.
• 33:11
  Jen: We just need to take on those new identities that we're judging sometimes.
• 33:16
  Jen: Like we judge identities that we don't want instead of accepting them.
• 33:23
  Jen: And we try to reclaim the ones that we do want.
• 33:29
  Jen: So there's a shift there that needs to happen too.
• 33:33
  Jen: And it's not that these new identities make you less worthy.
• 33:37
  Jen: Yeah.
• 33:38
  Jen: And sure.
• 33:39
  Jen: Before we wrap up, I want to just mention how difficult it is to do this process, to shift your identity.
• 33:48
  Jen: And one of the biggest reasons is that your nervous system dysregulates when that identity starts to crumble.
• 33:58
  Jen: And that's one of the things that this client is always talking about.
• 34:00
  Jen: She's like, my nervous system is so dysregulated.
• 34:02
  Jen: I can feel I'm anxious.
• 34:04
  Jen: And she knows it.
• 34:06
  Jen: And she thinks that she's anxious and dysregulated because of all of the external stuff that's been happening to her.
• 34:13
  Jen: And that's part of it.
• 34:14
  Jen: And she's also dysregulated because she desperately wants to feel that strong woman identity again.
• 34:23
  Jen: And her nervous system feels dysregulated because.
• 34:26
  Jen: So she wants to feel strong, which is she wants her nervous system to be regulated and strong.
• 34:31
  Jen: And it's partly not strong because she's that identity is crumbling.
• 34:37
  Jen: So it's also a vicious cycle.
• 34:39
  Jen: Like it, your nervous system goes into dysregulation when the identities you've been holding on to start to crumble.
• 34:47
  Jen: So your nervous system will stop you from shifting.
• 34:51
  Jen: It makes it really, unless you're doing subconscious belief work and subconscious repatterning with somatic techniques and nervous system healing, you it's really difficult to make these shifts without feeling really anxious and awful all the time.
• 35:09
  Jen: Yeah.
• 35:09
  Jen: And again, it's not about reclaiming that identity.
• 35:13
  Jen: It's not about becoming a strong, what we term a strong, like I put that in air quotes, because our society has a definition of strong and capable.
• 35:25
  Jen: It's it's about I am worthy even when I'm not.
• 35:30
  Jen: So, Jen, I want to just kind of reiterate why we're talking about this and what what we stand for is what if we don't have to be strong according to our society's definition of that?
• 35:45
  Jen: We don't have to be capable.
• 35:46
  Jen: What if we are worthy even when we're not strong?
• 35:53
  Jen: And what if that let's reframe that word strong?
• 35:58
  Jen: Like, what if strength isn't about doing, it's about being authentic.
• 36:02
  Jen: It's about knowing and admitting that you need help.
• 36:08
  Jen: That you know, without that meaning something negative about you.
• 36:12
  Jen: Yeah.
• 36:13
  Jen: You're not incapable if you ask for help.
• 36:17
  Jen: Mm-hmm.
• 36:18
  Jen: That doesn't make you not strong.
• 36:20
  Jen: It doesn't make you weak.
• 36:21
  Jen: So tying this up, you and I believe that your worth does not fluctuate.
• 36:31
  Jen: It doesn't change based on your productivity, not your inherent worth.
• 36:38
  Jen: Not your inherent worth.
• 36:40
  Jen: It doesn't change based on how much you do, how efficient you are, how productive you are.
• 36:46
  Jen: And you don't become less valuable if you don't have strength, physical, emotional, spiritual.
• 36:54
  Jen: And it what what does fluctuate is our sense of self-worth if we have tied it to these identities.
• 37:03
  Jen: Yes, exactly.
• 37:05
  Jen: So, like you said, Jen, it's easy for it's easy enough for us to go around saying, you know, we're talking about everybody being inherently worthy.
• 37:14
  Jen: But as you said, it's not really that easy to just, first of all, it's not easy to recognize when your sense of self-worth has gone down that spiral.
• 37:28
  Jen: And we've given a few signs today, but it's also not that easy to really embody like what is, what does it feel like to be inherently worthy?
• 37:38
  Jen: And this is where we come in.
• 37:40
  Jen: Midlife is all about shifting identities.
• 37:45
  Jen: And this is where this is a key piece of both of our programs, the the all of our programs, the Midlife Red Tent, but also our retreat in Peru.
• 37:58
  Jen: So this is exactly what we do inside of Peru, inside of our Peru retreat.
• 38:05
  Jen: It's the perfect place to reclaim your sense of self-worth.
• 38:12
  Jen: First of all, because you've got nine days in a sacred place with our guidance to help move, help even identify what are those identities that you're hanging on to and what are the new ones that you're maybe avoiding stepping into.
• 38:30
  Jen: And what do you want to step into?
• 38:32
  Jen: And then let's cultivate the sense of self-worth and the nervous system regulation that it requires as you step into those new identities.
• 38:45
  Jen: So if you want that, you still have some time to join us at our from autopilot to soul aligned, our retreat in Peru.
• 39:00
  Jen: So you'll find the link to that in the show notes.
• 39:02
  Jen: It's midlifewomenrising.com slash Peru.
• 39:05
  Jen: We'd love for you to join us.
• 39:06
  Jen: You've still got some time to join.
• 39:08
  Jen: We've got a few spots left as of the time of this recording.
• 39:12
  Jen: And Cher, I want to say you have to act fast because tickets to Machu, one of the one of the excursions that we do on this retreat is we we go to Machu Picchu, of course, because you can't go to Peru and the Andes and not do that.
• 39:25
  Jen: And they the tickets for Machu Picchu sell out in June for November.
• 39:33
  Jen: So this retreat is in November.
• 39:35
  Jen: It might feel like a long time away from now, as we when we publish this episode in May.
• 39:41
  Jen: Um, and tickets sell out.
• 39:44
  Jen: So you actually do have to act fast, even now.
• 39:47
  Jen: Okay, I think that's a wrap, Jen.
• 39:50
  Jen: If you found value in this episode, please share it.
• 39:53
  Jen: We would love for you to share it, to do all the things on the platform you're on.
• 39:58
  Jen: Follow, subscribe, leave us a review, and come back next week for another episode.