Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Every Time You Promise Sex You Don't Give, An Angel Dies In Heaven

Transcript

Every Time You Promise Sex You Don't Give, An Angel Dies In Heaven · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, we are going to be talking about a
• 0:11
  common thing that happens where you promised sex that you don't
• 0:14
  end up delivering and why this can hurt your relationship.
• 0:18
  But before that please do subscribe.
• 0:20
  My neck. Subscriber episode coming up
• 0:23
  tomorrow is when men say that they work just to support their
• 0:26
  wives, that's some bullshit and very similar to in my previous
• 0:31
  podcast. When I talked about men, trying
• 0:35
  when Woman tries to convince the man that he's really the one
• 0:37
  that wants the kitchen renovation or whatever it is
• 0:39
  that you really want. Then conveniently forget like
• 0:44
  lots of good things that they get out of their job when
• 0:46
  they're playing the Martyr and acting like, they are only doing
• 0:49
  it for their wives that never goes well, and I want to discuss
• 0:53
  that in depth in tomorrow's bonus episode.
• 0:57
  Okay? So anyhow back to this one, so
• 1:00
  there's a lot of times that, okay?
• 1:03
  So so here's something that Happens just as background
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  women, think about sex sometimes you know like it isn't all
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  responsive desire. Sometimes it's spontaneous
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  desire like when they're ovulating or when they saw some
• 1:16
  hot dude at the gym or when some song comes on, that reminds them
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  that they used to be young or something or when they think
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  they're looking particularly cute or you know, like they're
• 1:28
  just came back from the gym, they feel good about themselves,
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  whatever the case may be a lot of women will like Think about
• 1:36
  sex for a split second or for longer.
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  Also, don't forget. There's a lens is why I say
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  about the masturbation thing. There's like a fair amount of
• 1:44
  women that are only masturbating in the afternoon when their
• 1:46
  husbands are not in a house and then like no shit.
• 1:49
  You don't want sex later like you're not 16 years old anymore.
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  We're like, you know, you just discovered masturbation like
• 1:57
  that kind of just does finish it off for what you want for the
• 2:01
  day. But, you know, we're diverting
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  it to so many other previous Casts here, if I have enough,
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  they just become very self-referential.
• 2:10
  I got a whole web of information that I've given you, but anyhow.
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  So there's a lot of women that then will not tell their
• 2:19
  husbands that they're feeling sexy.
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  So their husbands basically end up thinking that they're asexual
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  Because by the time they come home at night the woman never
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  ever wants sex and she doesn't want to tell them that she liked
• 2:30
  sex during the day because cushy cuz she By the time he gets home
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  at night. She's not going to want it
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  because she has some self-awareness.
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  So then basically what happened? She never ever tells him that
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  she ever thinks about sex ever. And he ends up thinking,
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  literally that she's asexual or that they're never, you know,
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  that she's just not into sex with him or whatever those
• 2:54
  women. I do say, like, tell him when
• 2:57
  you think about sex like, you know, tell them like so that he
• 3:01
  knows that there's some times that you actually feel sexy.
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  Think about sex, Or if it has somehow you happen to think
• 3:09
  positively about him during the day, you know what think that he
• 3:12
  looked good that day or that he looks sexy or anything about
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  him. Positive, tell him that too.
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  So, okay, so there's something to be said about telling your
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  husband, like, oh, like I was thinking about, you know, like
• 3:24
  having sex with you, that's great, you know, and whatever
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  way you want to say that you can do that.
• 3:31
  That's for sure. Here's the things you shouldn't
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  do. You should not Tell him and I
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  can't wait till you get home later.
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  If you know that you're not going to have sex with him
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  later. And here's how you can tell, how
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  often do you want sex with him later?
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  Like is it almost never at night, then don't tell him that
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  somehow. This is going to be the Magical
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  Mystery Tour and he is going to get sex that night.
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  It's not going to happen. So by you, you can set.
• 4:00
  You can send him the selfie if you want great.
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  That's very flirtatious. Do not say tonight.
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  We're going to do XYZ, unless you gonna do x y z because then
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  like would you tell your son, your son, or your daughter.
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  We're going to go out for ice cream tonight.
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  And then when they get home from school, you say actually we can.
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  Yeah you say well, I might, you know, we gotta learn sometimes
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  things. Don't always happen, Okay?
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  How quick would your ass be and ice cream store?
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  Very soon? Thereafter.
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  Probably the next day. So if you would like to do that
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  approach, if you want to say oh my God, I'm so Sorry, I forgot
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  basically who I am as a human being.
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  So I promised sex that I now don't want to do, but we're
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  going to do it tomorrow morning. Yeah, cool.
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  Do that. That's that's great.
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  Get it in, within 24 hours, if you can get it in within 24
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  hours, feel free to promise, because then he's just got to be
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  flexible. That's just how life works.
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  Of course, if you always notice that you're getting it in within
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  24 hours, don't promise it right?
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  I mean, be smart. Be like, like, It's not a bad
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  thing to be like it's, let's say Thursday still during the work
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  week so you're feeling sexy during the day?
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  He's not there. You say.
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  I can't wait until this weekend cuz man you can do it sometime
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  during the weekend, can't you? And then you cannot feel like
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  you're setting him up to ask for something that then literally
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  you're going to be annoyed to deliver or even resentful
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  because a lot of women are local.
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  If you were to just come home during the day, by the way, they
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  never say that and as like an option, So there's a lot of
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  telecommuting now. So if you're somebody that feels
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  sexy during the afternoon you and your husband can really
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  figure that out so that maybe he can come home during the
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  afternoon. Wow.
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  Like no kidding, he can do that. Usually if he's not, you know,
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  if he doesn't have a real punishing schedule, nowadays
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  with telecommuting, people can work from home, one day a week
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  or many days, or all days. So and, of course, there's also
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  the morning unless you have tiny, tiny little kids, you can
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  Do the morning. So there's different things that
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  you can do that. It would be where you're not
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  setting somebody up to look forward to something all day and
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  then they don't get it, which is something you wouldn't want to
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  be done to you. So if it's just, there's so many
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  women who are like, oh it tonight, we're going to do,
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  whatever, whatever. And then the guy comes home, and
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  he tries to do whatever, whatever.
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  And she's like now, you know, like it's it's even like a funny
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  thing that's known. So it's done on like, Tick Tock
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  and what? Either skits about it.
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  But yet, could you imagine if the guy was like, oh tonight,
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  I'm going to take you out to dinner and then he gets home.
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  He's like, no, I'm too tired. She's like at the babysitter.
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  She's all dressed up and he's like, Matt fuck it.
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  They'll be such an asshole. Like, I would tell I know.
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  I've never yet met a guy that has the balls to tell me in
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  couples counseling that he did that, because it's so bad.
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  I'll be like, what's wrong with you?
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  That's so mean, she spent the whole day excited.
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  She got dressed up, etcetera, etcetera.
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  But it's the same thing in the absence of the babysitter.
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  It's the same thing, the guys, thinking about it all day and
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  like he's certainly not, it's not a throwaway line for him, he
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  doesn't interpret it as just flirtation, he doesn't think.
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  Oh, you know, she's saying that we're going to do this tonight
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  but you know, I mean she's like, she's just being cute.
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  Like I don't really mind if she can't know.
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  They're really in the mood to do it.
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  They're very That you said it, so you got to do it.
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  So now you may be like, well, fuck it then I just won't ever
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  say anything ever. And I'll be like the first woman
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  that you talked about, were the man thinks she's asexual because
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  she never ever mentioned sex. When I want to do it, I'll
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  surprise him. And when I don't I won't okay.
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  Like, you know, you could do that.
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  As long as you're having sex at some regular amount of time, let
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  me tell you another way, that people are fooling themselves.
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  Some women think that, it's like, such a like big deal.
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  And so outside their comfort zone and or So cute, erotic and
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  Charming to even mention sex, or send the cute picture or
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  whatever. It almost like goes into there,
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  like, Bank of times, they have had sex.
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  It's almost like they don't differentiate their like sex.
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  Oh yeah, we have sex all the time because like there was the
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  one time we had sex in the past two weeks and then there's like
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  three times that I talked about it and text message.
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  Girl, those don't count right, they did that.
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  Those don't count, so those are bad.
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  Those take away from your total because it's like 1 minus 3
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  because he thought there was three more times he was going to
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  have sex, so now you're at negative 2 for the week, so
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  that's not good. So there's again two ways around
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  him. Send your flirtatious text
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  messages, but refer to an actual time that you're actually going
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  to want to have sex. And then remember refer back to
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  responsive desire, even if. So let's say that you do have
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  time on Saturday nights, have sex try to have sex like do Just
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  be like I'm tired. I'm not in the mood.
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  No kidding. I'm the sky is blue.
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  Like if you're a woman in monogamy, you're not going to be
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  in the mood but if you start to try if you start kissing
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  foreplay, if he gives you a massage.
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  Yeah you may get in the mood because that's what responsive
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  desire means is that you will respond most likely and if not
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  if not if you are just kissing and touching and you are falling
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  asleep and you feel like shit then yeah if you're not married
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  to Sociopath it's he he's not going to scream at you or
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  something. I mean, it just doesn't happen.
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  Will he be disappointed? Yeah.
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  Is it the end of the world? No.
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  But I'll tell you, most people in a marriage that is remotely
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  loving and caring. If they are starting foreplay
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  and they haven't had sex in a little while their body will
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  kick in and and they can have somewhat of an enjoyable
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  encounter. The problem is when there's no
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  foreplay and there's no understanding of responsive
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  desire, the woman Thinks here, I am sitting on the couch, I'm
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  eating my popcorn and watching TV.
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  This is the first time I've relaxed all week.
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  Do I want a penis in me? Nah, don't know, penis.
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  Don't want it. You know, kidding.
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  Like, who would like you're sitting there?
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  You're cuddly, you're you're ready for sleep.
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  You know, you're ready to watch your TV show and go to sleep.
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  But if you got into the mood and there was some foreplay going
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  on, there was some sort of understanding that women cannot
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  just go from sitting on the couch to penis then Yeah, then
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  women can get into the mood. So, all of these things linked
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  together, obviously, the understanding of female
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  psychology and biology, the understanding, you can't go from
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  0 to 60, the understanding of responsive desire.
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  And then what I'm putting in is don't make the guy upset the
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  whole week because he feels, he missed out on these various
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  opportunities that were not real opportunities.
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  What a real opportunity is is you could tell him we want to
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  have sex at that. Give him a time that you
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  actually can or say we can have sex tonight if you're really
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  feeling. Doing it, but if not get it in
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  within the 24 hours because then it's either today or tomorrow,
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  nobody's going to be that much of a disappointed about today or
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  tomorrow, sure, they'll be disappointed.
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  But you know what life is filled with disappointments as an
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  adult. That's a very small one whether
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  or not we have sex tonight or tomorrow night.
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  Assuming that it's good sex or tomorrow morning, as I always
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  say or try also to figure out your schedule based on when
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  you're feeling sexual, if you always only feeling sexually
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  afternoon, then maybe Something that could be done about that,
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  particularly weekend. Afternoons.
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  But certainly during the week, at least give the guy a chance,
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  right to accommodate that request and also no dismissing.
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  This is really big no dismissing or making fun or anything like
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  that. So definitely don't be like, oh
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  my God you thought that we really would but like the why
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  like I'm so tired now? Like maybe if you had done more
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  dishes this week, no one has nothing to do with that if it
• 12:03
  really does have to do with. That if you were feeling really
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  horny during the day, and then you looked at the dishes and
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  you're not give him this information because you will not
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  see more dishes. Because if you're literally
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  saying, I literally was going to have sex with you and that I
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  could not because at 4 p.m. I texted you that I want to have
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  sex then 401. I looked at the dishes, there
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  was somehow so many dishes that from 40 1 to 5 p.m.
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  When you walked in the door and somehow we are children.
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  We could just Freeze Frame them. Potentially have sex, which is
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  obviously could not happen anyway.
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  So you see how ridiculous this whole thing is, as I'm going.
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  But anyway, between 40 1 and 5 p.m.
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  I was doing dishes because they were somehow, 59 minutes worth
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  of dishes. And that made me not want to
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  have sex. If you tell him that he's going
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  to start doing the tissues or just don't do the dishes.
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  As I say over and over and over, if you really don't do the
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  dishes, he's going to do the dishes because if it's the sort
• 13:01
  of thing that's a real deal breaker, then he's going to have
• 13:04
  to do the dishes. When it gets divorced, right?
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  If you're going to leave him over it, he's going to have to
• 13:08
  do dishes in his house. So therefore, he can do dishes
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  here to protect against the divorce, but you just can't do
• 13:14
  the dishes. You can just be like, you have
• 13:15
  to do dishes and then go do the dishes and then not want to have
• 13:19
  sex. If there is a real thing, a
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  specific thing, a chore as something, blocking you from
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  having sex. Also, by the way, if this is so
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  bad you wouldn't be offering it to begin with when you're
• 13:31
  actually in the mood. So that's why it has a lot to do
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  with the Interaction of time. There's a lot of women who are a
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  lot more resentful at night when they're tired.
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  Anyway, and the resentment can get them out of having sex.
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  Whereas in the morning or afternoon, if they actually want
• 13:48
  to have sex, they want to have sex irrespective of the dishes.
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  So you should figure out which one of these people you are, you
• 13:53
  want to be really honest with yourself, you know, if the if
• 13:57
  you're just really exhausted and never in the mood at night, you
• 14:00
  may be bringing things up, that are not as big of a problem as
• 14:04
  You act like because you want to get out of having sex because
• 14:09
  you feel so exhausted, which I totally get.
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  But in the goal is to be completely honest with yourself.
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  Anyway, hopefully, this gave you a lot to think about the main
• 14:18
  takeaways are. It's definitely good to talk
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  about sexy stuff, that's great, but do not make a specific
• 14:25
  promise that you have no intent on delivering.
• 14:28
  And if you do do that, try to be flexible and accommodate, you
• 14:33
  know, the, the, the the Promise that you gave to same as you
• 14:37
  would with your children or with anybody else, like with your
• 14:39
  boss. If you're like yeah I'm going to
• 14:41
  get that report in by Tuesday. Let's say your kid is sick on
• 14:44
  Tuesday, so you're not going to say, you know what, fuck the
• 14:47
  report I don't like you. Anyway you don't do dishes,
• 14:51
  you're going to say I'll get it to you tomorrow or I'll get it
• 14:54
  to you by the end of week in a situation where there's some
• 14:57
  real big issue like your child is on, you know, like some
• 15:01
  nebulizer. Like I cannot leave this child.
• 15:04
  That is having this This thing, but I will get it to you by
• 15:06
  Friday. You wouldn't be like, oh, my
• 15:08
  child is not doing well, so, I will never get this to you ever,
• 15:11
  fuck you? That just wouldn't happen.
• 15:14
  So, and if you, if you chafe with the boss analogy, I make
• 15:17
  the boss analogy constantly for men.
• 15:20
  Like when I say, why are you so difficult with your wife?
• 15:23
  Why don't you just say nice shit.
• 15:24
  If your boss said to you, hey Bob.
• 15:26
  How's your day going? You wouldn't say to your boss is
• 15:29
  going like shit because you didn't have sex with me last
• 15:32
  night. Would, you know, you would say?
• 15:34
  It's going pretty good, it's going pretty good, pretty good
• 15:37
  day. That's the kind of positivity to
• 15:38
  bring to your wife. So either way, make the boss
• 15:40
  analogy frequently because this is just the best analogy for the
• 15:44
  person with whom people are generally on their a game.
• 15:47
  Unfortunately, that is not usually people spouse, although
• 15:50
  it should be. So anyhow.
• 15:52
  And the other point, of course, is if there are some long-term
• 15:56
  pattern that you could send to the times when you actually do
• 15:58
  want to have sex, then share this information with your
• 16:02
  husband who will be very, very Be happy to get the data
• 16:06
  hopefully and if in any way can move mountains in order to make
• 16:09
  this happen such that you can have sex at the time when you
• 16:11
  like to have sex, which possibly he previously thought was never
• 16:15
  was the time that you want to have sex.
• 16:17
  If he gets information that there is such a time that he may
• 16:20
  really move mountains in order to be present for that time, and
• 16:23
  just as a tiny little aside if that time is the afternoon and
• 16:27
  then that's your alone time with the vibrator, think about it.
• 16:31
  Like let's just be reasonable. If your husband jerked off at
• 16:36
  three PM, do you think he would want to be on his a game with
• 16:39
  you pursuing you at 6 p.m.? No how are you any different?
• 16:43
  You know? I mean really and this is not
• 16:46
  unusual by the way for anybody listening for women to have a
• 16:49
  master Beach and routine that does not include the husband and
• 16:53
  then they don't barely have sex, certainly not at the level that
• 16:57
  they would if she wasn't getting rid of this need and desire on
• 17:01
  around. So that's just the Truth about
• 17:05
  how bodies work specifically with in monogamy where you need
• 17:08
  all the help with excitement that you can get.
• 17:12
  All right, so I'll talk to everybody soon and have a great
• 17:14
  day guys.