Latest / Behind Every Great Man / EP 48: What Even Is A Matriarch?
Transcript
- Jessica Zubchevich: Behind every great man is a great confident exceptional woman. Hi, and welcome to Behind Every Great Man. I am Jessica, your host. Behind Every Great Man is a great woman who knows home is a feeling and not a place. What even is a matriarch? It's one of those words we don't really use anymore, or very rarely. And then how would you define it? For me, a matriarch is the eldest in the family. Maybe mom, grandma, great grandma, this kind of untouchable, larger-than-life woman that just oversees the whole family. She knows everything to say. She knows what to do. She's just all knowing, this wise woman. Maybe she lives in the kitchen. Maybe that's your image of her. She knows Everyone's birthday. She's just on top of everything. Everybody turns to her. Maybe you watched her and you admired her. Maybe you were intimidated by her. So that image of a matriarch is not me. I don't see myself in that image of it. And before we go any further, I want to make it clear that I don't mean we're replacing the matriarch in our family. My mom is the matriarch. My grandmother was the matriarch. I mean within your four walls, not your extended whole family. I mean within your home, your children, your husband, they're not coming home to your mom. They're not coming home to your grandma. It's you. They're turning to you. So within your home, not your family as a whole. And then when do you actually become the matriarch? It's not. announced. It's not this crowning that happens. Is it when you get married? Is it when you have children? When do you assume this role? And for me, it happened really without even realizing it. I remember a day we were on a trip going to Mammoth, a ski trip, and Keith and I were recently married, and one of the kids Asked, what are we doing today? And everyone just turned and looked at me. And I was like looking around, yeah, what are we doing today? Realized, ⁓ me, you're looking at me. Whoa, okay, I don't know. ⁓ and it hit me, I realized that. The position that my husband was in with them now became a shared role with me. I'm married to him. So now I'm in this leadership position with a whole family. And that was very jarring for me because before being married, it was just me for decades. And then I got my dog Jake. And that was a big responsibility for me. Just me and my dog Jake traveling around, sometimes just packing my bags, living out of my car for a bit, you know, somewhat of a wanderer. So to then be in this position was shocking to the system. ⁓ And it took me a while to really get comfortable with it. I felt a ton of weight. It felt very heavy for me. It gave me anxiety to think that I'm making decisions for the whole. And is everybody gonna like this? Does everybody wanna do this? Is this is somebody gonna be upset if we choose to do this? I became very indecisive. It was n a difficult role for me to get used to. But one small decision at a time. One small mistake at a time, or one big mistake, over time, I started to get more comfortable with it and just making decisions. This is what we're gonna do. Of course, I factor people in. I think about what everybody wants to do, likes, whatever. So a role of leadership, assuming that role. was thrown upon me and it took some time to get used to. I never really saw myself as a homemaker or the woman that's the head of a household. I never saw myself in that role. I barely cooked. I'm not naturally organized. I wasn't the woman that I imagined being in this role. Man, we talked about this in my last episode about The image we have of a wife, and I didn't fit that image. And now this one is the image of the matriarch. I don't see myself in that image. So I really took some time to think about what truly is a matriarch. And I realized that the matriarch of a home isn't in that position because she can cook well, because she Can keep a nice tidy home. These are all great things. The matriarch is the glue of the family. She's the one that keeps everyone together. She's the one that does it intentionally. She is the one that is the keeper of memories and keeps a hand on every person in the family. Are they okay? Are they good? Where are they at? How do they feel? She's the connector of everyone. She is the one that creates the feeling in the home. It's not that she has nice cabinets and they're the right color. Cool. That's amazing. Beautiful. Not saying those things aren't important. I'm saying something deeper than that. Her role goes way deeper than that. She creates the feeling in the home. When people walk in your home, they feel something. So either you're being intentional about it, or you're just allowing it to be whatever is on the outside is on the inside. So knowing that without you thinking about this, it's still present when people walk in your home. I've gone into homes that are multi-million dollar homes and it feels cold. It feels disconnected. It feels rushed. I've walked into studio apartments and I feel warmth. I feel cozy. I feel, I feel like I just want to curl up on their couch and just get cozy and just talk. I feel like I'm a welcomed guest there. For me, I want people to feel when they walk in my home that they are an honored guest, that we are so happy that you're here, that we have awaited your arrival. I've also walked into places where it feels rushed, everything's rushed, or you're kind of an inconvenience when you walk in their home. You know what I'm talking about. Where they're cleaning up after you, you don't really feel welcomed. So that's part of the matriarch to me. She is really setting that temperature of the home. And it's also she is the connector from past to future. Keith's mom is. gave me these recipe books from like 70 years ago. I'm keeping those. I'm passing those along to my children. So pulling things from the past, making them what you want them to be, of your own design, not somebody else's. You're doing it your way. And then you're going to pass it on and they're going to take what they want to take. I see her Holding on to this golden thread of the past to the present to the future. And she's just guiding things along. There was a beautiful quote when I was doing my homework on this episode by Megan Pinckney Rutherford, founder of the Future Matriarch movement. She said in this article, quote, My grandmother is not a matriarch because she had children. She is a matriarch because she put in the work to keep her family together. And that's what I aim to do as well. This is what we're talking about. She doesn't become that because she just popped out some kids. She's in that role of holding things together, of bringing people together. And that is what I am really looking at as being the modern matriarch, not this untouchable image. But really empowering ourselves truly to assume that role. And I'm not sitting over here acting like I'm perfecting this or I'm like freaking nailing it over here. I'm not. This is something that I am mindful of right now. It's something that is important to me. I think it's something that we as the women in our home and the mothers and the wives that we need to be thinking about this and what it looks like for you. What you choose to do in your home is going to be different from what I choose to do in my home. But the goal I think that we should think about is being that connector, being the one that brings people in, being the one who is the keeper of memories and experiences and Is the glue in our home? I feel like we can spend so much time thinking about what our house looks like versus what is the feeling when people walk into our home? When your kids come home from school, what do they feel? When your husband walks through the door from work, what does he feel? How do you feel when you come home? Does it feel light? Does it feel like joy? Does it feel heavy, rushed, chaotic? Everyone's on their phone, disconnected? Beauty, peace? Do people feel safe when they're walking your home? Do they feel loved? Do they feel like they belong when they walk through your doors? There's a feeling. Whether you're aware of it or not, whether you're trying to create something or not. There's a feeling when people walk into your home. And we need to be really honest about what that is. And it's okay either way. We can change it. It can always be changed. It's gotta matter to you. It's gotta be important to you. And it doesn't have to be these big undertakings or these grandiose things that you're doing within your home. That sounds exhausting. And I don't want to have anything to do with that. I mean little intentional decisions that we do, that we create, that we we wanna do this more of, we wanna do less of this, and you just create what your home feels like. These decisions that you made, these choices that you made of how you want to. Run your home and live on a daily basis. These are the things that your children are gonna realize that that was home. These are the things they're gonna say, my home felt like blank. This is what we're creating right now. And I love being aware of what I'm doing right now is going to be what my son and children remember. 20, 30, 40 years from now, when they are reminiscing and they're saying that's what home felt like, because they're gonna say something. There's gonna be words that follow that. And that's what we're creating right now. And I love the impact of that. I love being aware that that's what we're creating one day. When my son Jude is like my home. What was my home like? What was my childhood like? It was blank. My home felt like blank. That's what we're creating. It's time for a weekly pause. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I just ask that you take these couple moments for you to really reflect on this message and internalize it. Close your eyes if you can. Let's all take a deep inhale through your nose. Exhale it out through your mouth. Another deep soothing breath in. One more deep in hell. Let it go. Sister, I want you to picture your front door. Imagine your husband walking through it. Imagine your children coming home. Imagine friends sitting around your table. What do you want them to feel? Love. Safe. Accepted. Peaceful. Enjoy the Connected. Belonging Now what's one small thing you can do this week to help create more of that feeling? Doesn't have to be big. Nothing perfect. Maybe it's a conversation. One tradition you want to start? An act of kindness. Moment. A moment where someone feels seen? Sister, whether you acknowledge it or not, whether you realize it or not, you are the head of your home. You hold power and grace as a leader of your home. That is a beautiful and honorable role that you are in. You create the feeling when people walk into your home. You're the creator. What do you want it to be? It is all of your own design, sister. Create the beauty in your home in your own special way. Let's all take one last inhale together. Exhale it out and open your eyes. Sister, your family may not remember every meal that you made or how you had the house decorated, but they're gonna remember how it felt to be home. Behind every great man is a great woman who knows home is a feeling and not just a place. Thanks for taking the time to join me on this week's podcast episode. You can find more episodes of Behind Every Great Man on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And if this spoke to you, please subscribe and share it with a girlfriend. Thanks again, and I'll see you next week.