Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Getting ready to go NO CONTACT with a narcissist

Transcript

Getting ready to go NO CONTACT with a narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on, beautiful people?
• 0:02
  Today we're talking about how to build up to going no contact if
• 0:08
  you're new here. My name is Lee Hammock.
• 0:10
  I'm a clinically diagnosed narcissist and welcome to
• 0:12
  episode 1006 of the Narcissist Code.
• 0:33
  So welcome back, Welcome back. Welcome back.
• 0:36
  Welcome back, folks. Thankful.
• 0:38
  So thankful that y'all are here today. 1006 episodes down.
• 0:43
  How many ever more to go? But yes, absolutely yes.
• 0:46
  Narcissist. Yeah, going.
• 0:49
  No contact with a narcissist or a toxic person is meant to help
• 0:53
  you heal. Is not to meant to, is not meant
• 0:57
  to punish The narcissist is not meant to hurt them or harm them.
• 1:00
  Is literally meant to help you heal from Toxic, narcissistic
• 1:05
  abuse from a toxic, violent relationship is meant to help
• 1:08
  you heal and grow and move on with your life if at all
• 1:11
  possible, you know, But going no contact is like going cold
• 1:16
  Turkey sometimes with other things, with other addictions
• 1:19
  and vices that people may have that you might have and that you
• 1:23
  might have fought before in the past, you know.
• 1:25
  But it's a very unique dynamic when you're dealing with a
• 1:28
  narcissistic person, you know, because narcissistic people tend
• 1:32
  not to make it very hard on you. They know they tend to make it
• 1:36
  very difficult on you to go and successfully stay no contact
• 1:40
  because you hear a lot of stories about people going no
• 1:43
  contact. I was 30 days no contact.
• 1:45
  And then I cracked and I reached out.
• 1:47
  I was two months no contact. And then I broke down and I
• 1:50
  reached out I was this, I was that.
• 1:52
  Like a lot of people end up breaking their no contact for a
• 1:57
  variety of different reasons. You know.
• 2:00
  But This is why I tell people a lot of times you break no
• 2:03
  contact because you're not fully ready to go no contact you know
• 2:07
  you're not fully ready and that's my that's not me just
• 2:10
  trying to say hey don't go no contact.
• 2:12
  This is me saying build up to it sometimes to make sure that you
• 2:16
  are ready to be done with this. The all the questions that that
• 2:20
  you could possibly get answered have been answered.
• 2:23
  You know, because there's typically not going to be a lot
• 2:25
  of questions and lot of answers to the questions you want that
• 2:27
  you have. You know, you know, make sure
• 2:30
  that this is it because yeah, This is why I tell people right
• 2:32
  here, you know this. A successful no contact journey
• 2:41
  means that you probably will never hear from this Perkins
• 2:44
  person again. Perkin.
• 2:46
  You know, a a journey. A successful, no contact journey
• 2:50
  means that you won't hear or see from this person again.
• 2:53
  That you won't be willfully reaching out to them ever again.
• 2:57
  You know you won't hear their voice.
• 2:58
  You won't see their face. You won't see.
• 3:00
  You know it's no contact, which means no access, no friends or
• 3:06
  benefits. No cheek clapping, no good
• 3:08
  morning or good night. No hope you're doing well.
• 3:11
  Hope you made it home safe. No.
• 3:13
  Merry Christmas. Happy Thanksgiving.
• 3:14
  Happy Hanukkah. You know what I mean.
• 3:17
  No, none of that. No, no.
• 3:20
  When you when it's time for Ramadan, what'd you call a Eid?
• 3:22
  No, You know you can't wish him a good Eid or whatever there
• 3:26
  might be. I might be eating right on that
• 3:27
  right there. Y'all.
• 3:28
  So I apologize if I'm wrong on that, but you can't wish them an
• 3:31
  E boom rock. You can't do that for them.
• 3:36
  You know, it's no contact, so you have to be ready to be done
• 3:41
  with this person. So sometimes you have to build
• 3:43
  up to it. You know it's like working out.
• 3:45
  I I tell people you have to build up that no contact muscle
• 3:49
  and the more you it's kind of like the more you work out the
• 3:51
  but your body changes right. If you work out your body your
• 3:54
  body changes. So you have to work out your
• 3:56
  mind and your emotional health as well build up to it.
• 4:00
  You know, take a little, take a little like, OK, I'm good.
• 4:03
  If you talk to this person every hour on the hour, start by
• 4:06
  talking to them every two hours. You know, lessen it, get make it
• 4:10
  less, make it less. Just something measurable that
• 4:14
  you can be proud of like Dang I. Or if they if they expect a
• 4:19
  response from you in 2 minutes, take your time 5 minutes, 10
• 4:24
  minutes, 1520 an hour, 2 hours tomorrow, next week, whatever it
• 4:30
  is, build up to it. Because I know everybody's
• 4:33
  situation is different. Everybody can't just go.
• 4:36
  No contact. Y'all live with the person.
• 4:38
  Y'all married you in a you in a long long term relationship with
• 4:41
  this person. You know you moved away.
• 4:43
  You know foreign country. You're somewhere but you ready
• 4:46
  to be done with it. So you have to build up to it.
• 4:49
  So when you're finally ready to go.
• 4:50
  No contact. When you've been working out
• 4:52
  your emotional health your no contact health you're ready to
• 4:56
  go. You've built you successfully
• 4:57
  built it up. You're you are you've become a
• 5:00
  damn near a fortress right now. Right you are fortress.
• 5:03
  You are no contact fortress. So you're healing and growing
• 5:08
  through this space right here, you know, so it's baby steps on
• 5:11
  the right journey to getting to getting to where you're going
• 5:15
  right now and whatnot. That's where people go.
• 5:17
  That's the mindset, That's where it goes.
• 5:19
  Because so many, so many people end up breaking no contact
• 5:21
  because you're not ready, you know, but you have to get ready
• 5:25
  because if you don't get ready or prepare to get ready, then
• 5:29
  you you would never ever be ready.
• 5:31
  You know, you have to prepare to get ready and get ready and
• 5:34
  whatnot and all the other good stuff that's that's that's where
• 5:39
  the space goes or and whatnot. Y'all had to respond to a a, a
• 5:42
  dumb, literally a dumb comment on Facebook.
• 5:47
  So if you ever see me responding in the words, OK, I'm just OK K
• 5:51
  I'm just ignoring a person. That that person bores me.
• 5:55
  It's not worth engaging with, but that's where it goes with a
• 5:58
  lot of these spaces. Y'all you have to be ready.
• 6:00
  Get ready. Take your time.
• 6:03
  Don't call them if you have to. Call them every single morning
• 6:06
  or you've been you so accustomed to calling them every single
• 6:09
  morning. Don't call them every morning.
• 6:10
  Don't wish them a good night. Build up to it.
• 6:13
  It's going to make you feel weird, but this is the weird
• 6:15
  feeling that you have to get used to.
• 6:17
  I feel anxious not calling them or not texting them.
• 6:20
  They're going to forget about me.
• 6:21
  I'm not I don't know it's it's like yeah, it's jitter.
• 6:23
  You get the jitters. Are you trying to stop smoking.
• 6:25
  You know it's kind of like a a you know the nicotine patches
• 6:28
  you got to get a no contact patch.
• 6:30
  You know just to to the the lower the cravings of talking to
• 6:33
  this person or reaching out to this person or check.
• 6:36
  You know if you consistently checking their social media
• 6:38
  every single hour on hour, check less, do less respond to them
• 6:43
  less. You know, it's all about
• 6:44
  building up to it. So it's less, less just doing
• 6:47
  less, communicate less, talk to them less.
• 6:50
  And I know everybody can't fully go no contact because there are
• 6:53
  children involved. There are kids involved in the
• 6:54
  situation. So build up to go in low
• 6:56
  contact, build up to stop responding to every single
• 7:00
  message that they send is not about the kids.
• 7:02
  You're all not together if you could only should only keep it
• 7:05
  about the kids. So anything that's not about the
• 7:07
  kids build up to not responding to it.
• 7:11
  Again, I know it's easier said than done.
• 7:13
  That's why I'm doing this video. I know it's easier said than
• 7:15
  done. So it's just like working out
• 7:17
  what is no what what type of no contact exercises.
• 7:20
  Do you think that you can do, you know put that in the
• 7:23
  conversation because that your your no contact exercise could
• 7:26
  help somebody else out. You know you could help wake
• 7:28
  somebody else's no contact up like help them, but I never
• 7:31
  thought about that right there. You know, instead of responding
• 7:34
  to them, send a message to your friend.
• 7:36
  You see what I'm saying? Instead of responding to them,
• 7:39
  write it down, write down your response and do something else
• 7:41
  with it. You know, ball it up, write it
• 7:43
  down, text it to yourself, text it to your other phone, e-mail
• 7:46
  it to yourself, get it out of your system.
• 7:49
  You know, because if you would, if you withholding things in,
• 7:52
  typically it grows and it manifests into something that it
• 7:54
  doesn't necessarily need to be. So these are the baby steps that
• 7:57
  you have to take in this situation right here in order to
• 8:00
  move forward, in order to help you grow and heal and
• 8:03
  successfully stay no contact because you have to build up to
• 8:07
  it, you know, and I know a lot of people think that, no, a lot
• 8:10
  of people, you know, think that not responding then to somebody
• 8:15
  and no contact are the same thing.
• 8:16
  I don't, they're not the same thing.
• 8:17
  No response means you're still reading the messages.
• 8:20
  You know, you're still reading the emails.
• 8:22
  They still have access to you. You know, no contact is they
• 8:27
  don't have the access. The access is cut off.
• 8:29
  But no response can help you build up to going fully.
• 8:33
  No contact. You know, you don't have to
• 8:36
  respond. You are on your time.
• 8:38
  You really, really are. I know we talk, a lot of people
• 8:41
  talk about setting boundaries for the narcissistic person to
• 8:43
  protect yourself, but you also have to be able to set
• 8:46
  boundaries on yourself. What is a boundary on you look
• 8:50
  like? What is setting a boundary on
• 8:52
  yourself for yourself look like? How does that look?
• 8:55
  What does that look like for you?
• 8:56
  You know, within this space, within this dynamic?
• 8:59
  What does it look like for you? What does this no contact look
• 9:03
  like for you? What are the boundaries for
• 9:05
  yourself look like? I'm not setting a boundary for
• 9:07
  me. You know, I I talked to a woman
• 9:09
  this to this morning that she is no contact right now.
• 9:13
  Right. But he's sending emails.
• 9:16
  Everything is blocked. Like literally everything is
• 9:19
  blocked. But she's still reading the
• 9:23
  emails. Like I told her, that's what I
• 9:26
  was telling her. I was like you have to set
• 9:27
  boundaries on yourself because if you're building a, let's say,
• 9:31
  if you're in no contact but you're still reading the emails,
• 9:34
  sooner or later he's going to say something to to elicit a
• 9:36
  response from you. You know.
• 9:39
  So setting boundaries on yourself in that situation, she
• 9:42
  just stopped reading the emails and that's a little boundary on
• 9:45
  herself to help her stay fully no contact.
• 9:47
  You have to be able to set the boundaries on yourself.
• 9:49
  You have to be able to build up to it.
• 9:51
  You know practicing these techniques help you go right
• 9:54
  there. So you you won't even need the
• 9:55
  the no, the no contact nicotine patch anymore.
• 9:58
  You're like you know what, I don't need this anymore.
• 10:00
  I'm ready because get it out of your system.
• 10:02
  That's what I'm that's what I'm telling you.
• 10:04
  All the questions that you this is something that, this is
• 10:07
  something that can help you out as well.
• 10:09
  All the questions that you feel like might help you out.
• 10:14
  All the questions that you feel like you might have, you might
• 10:16
  not have the answer to write, Write them down.
• 10:19
  This is not to ask them. OK you're writing down all the
• 10:22
  questions, unanswered questions that you have on your mind about
• 10:24
  this person. This is the this is the no
• 10:26
  contact work right here. This is building up to it.
• 10:28
  Ask, ask. You know, write down all the
• 10:30
  unanswered questions. And then you read them and ask
• 10:33
  yourself, am I OK without knowing so?
• 10:38
  Because being OK without knowing the answers to some of these
• 10:40
  questions is going to be, you know, it's going to be super
• 10:42
  important, you know, on this journey for you right here,
• 10:45
  being OK, not knowing the specific answers to every single
• 10:49
  question, you know, why do they treat me this way?
• 10:52
  Do I really need to know that right there, you know, they're
• 10:55
  they're not going to give me a valid answer.
• 10:56
  So should I even bother asking in this question?
• 10:59
  Because most of the questions that you write down that you
• 11:02
  don't have answers for, that you would like answers for, you're
• 11:04
  going to realize that you don't need the answer.
• 11:07
  You're like, why does it matter? I'm going no contact.
• 11:09
  I'm going to say no contact. Write it down, you know, write
• 11:13
  this type of stuff down. Get it out of your system.
• 11:15
  Build up that no contact muscle. Like I said, it's helping you do
• 11:20
  exercises in order to work on yourself in order to help you
• 11:23
  maintain this no contact in order to may help you maintain
• 11:26
  these boundaries on yourself because you don't want to keep
• 11:28
  breaking. No contact.
• 11:29
  Because the more you break no contact because you didn't get
• 11:32
  an answer to one of these questions or you feeling some
• 11:34
  some type of way or you miss them at night time, you know or
• 11:38
  you miss. You hear a certain song that
• 11:40
  reminds you of them. You smell a certain scent that
• 11:42
  reminds you of them. You hear a certain you see.
• 11:45
  You see somebody that looks like them and then you want to reach
• 11:47
  out, you know, reaching out. Be prepared for the type of
• 11:50
  stuff right there. Y'all write down the things that
• 11:53
  could trigger you to make to respond to this person.
• 11:56
  You know, Write down the things that that that can trigger you
• 11:59
  that might can trigger you to respond to this person.
• 12:02
  Be OK without wishing them a happy Thanksgiving, be OK
• 12:05
  without spending Christmas with them, you know, be OK without
• 12:08
  alerting the new supply to their toxic behaviours.
• 12:12
  And maybe they were cheating and doing all this other stuff be
• 12:15
  OK, because that helps you maintain that no contact power
• 12:19
  right there for you right there. Yeah, because no contact is
• 12:21
  degraded. One of the greatest tools to
• 12:23
  help you heal. Because I don't think that you
• 12:25
  can fully heal in the same environment that made you sick.
• 12:27
  You can start the healing process, but you'll never be
• 12:30
  fully healed while you're still interacting with this person
• 12:32
  every single day. You know you're responding to
• 12:35
  every single message. You're you're letting them
• 12:36
  trigger you every single time that you you get triggered every
• 12:38
  time their name pops up on the caller ID.
• 12:41
  You know you One thing you can do to help you.
• 12:43
  I'll add this right here. One thing you can do to help you
• 12:45
  build a no contact muscle is to change their name in the phone
• 12:49
  to something that you that makes you laugh as as opposed to
• 12:52
  triggers you. You know something in their
• 12:54
  phone. Somebody some some person.
• 12:57
  I don't know who it is. This guy recommended changing
• 12:59
  his He changed his narcissistic partner's name in his phone to
• 13:02
  the diagnostic code for narcissistic Personality
• 13:05
  disorder. You know, even though his
• 13:07
  partner wasn't diagnosed, he put it down like narcissist.
• 13:10
  You know, it's pretty much saying narcissist without the
• 13:12
  word narcissist right there. It's the diagnostic code for
• 13:17
  NPD. It pops up on my It pops up on
• 13:19
  my Google if it was F 60.81 F 60.81, that's the one of the
• 13:26
  diagnostic codes for narcissistic personality
• 13:28
  disorder. That's what he's saying?
• 13:29
  Their number asks and that helps him, you know, because it's just
• 13:33
  funny to him. He's like, yeah, I don't have to
• 13:34
  respond to the narcissistic person, you know, do not
• 13:37
  respond, do not call this spam. Likely scam, likely.
• 13:41
  You know, love bomber, whatever it is that helps you heal just
• 13:44
  to help you, you know, they help alleviate those triggers and
• 13:47
  whatnot. But anyway, y'all.
• 13:49
  Like I said, drop in the comment section.
• 13:51
  How? What ways that you that helped
• 13:53
  you build build up that no contact muscle that helps you
• 13:58
  stay no contact, but you're a toxic narcissistic person.
• 14:01
  You can help, help other people, help yourself, you know.
• 14:04
  And this can help you stop starting over with the no
• 14:06
  contact journey. Because the more you break no
• 14:08
  contact, the more you start to beat yourself up and then you
• 14:10
  like. I might as well just not go no
• 14:12
  contact anyway. Y'all appreciate everything one
• 14:14
  of y'all. Make sure you subscribe to the
• 14:16
  channel if you already have it. And this is our piece.
• 14:19
  Thank you so much for making it to the end of my video.
• 14:21
  You are a mental illness rock star and I appreciate you for
• 14:24
  being here. If you haven't already, make
• 14:26
  sure to click on the screen to subscribe to the channel and
• 14:28
  watch another one of my videos on my playlist.
• 14:30
  There's also a link available up here for you to purchase my
• 14:33
  kids. But remember, it's not your
• 14:35
  fault on Amazon, so check that out.
• 14:38
  Thank you. I will see you in the next
• 14:39
  video. Peace.