Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 655: How To Love Your Avoidant Partner

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Episode 655: How To Love Your Avoidant Partner · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  If you're on my channel, it's probably because you want to get
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  your ex back. However, if your ex is an
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  avoidant, even if you get them back, if you don't know how to
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  love them properly, there's going to be another break up.
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  So whether you're dating an avoidant or you're trying to get
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  one back, this video is for you. But first, I want to welcome
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  back my beautiful no contact army.
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  Thank you so much to everyone who has downloaded my app,
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  Silencio to help you stay in no contact.
• 0:28
  And if you could give it either a review or a rating in the App
• 0:32
  Store or the Google Play Store, I will be forever grateful.
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  And if you too would like to join our beautiful no contact
• 0:38
  army, all you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the
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  bell notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
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  nocontactssecrets.com where you can read two free chapters
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  before you purchase the book. And the link to that is
• 0:52
  underneath every single video and podcast.
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  OK, so first let's briefly define what an avoidant is.
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  Avoidant attachment is a survival adaptation.
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  So depending on your circumstances when you were
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  growing up, you either became approval seeking and developed
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  an anxious attachment style, which if you're dating an
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  avoidant, there's a very high probability that you do have an
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  anxious attachment style or you adapted by saying, well, I'm
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  just going to stay away from everyone.
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  And that ladies and gentlemen, is an avoidant.
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  Avoidance are hyper vigilant, always assessing risk.
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  They prefer to be self-sufficient and independent.
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  It's very hard for them to trust anyone.
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  So the best thing to do when dealing with an avoidant is to
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  learn to speak their language. So just as if you were in
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  another country, the locals always appreciate and prefer if
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  you can speak their language. Well, guess what?
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  Same thing here. So when it comes to risk, you
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  can say something like, I understand there's a lot of
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  risks, and if you and I work together, we can build a deeper
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  connection and manage the risks together.
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  That language makes sense to an avoidant.
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  You're speaking their language. You can also propose clear
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  solutions to things. I've noticed a problem with XYZ.
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  What do you think about blah blah blah?
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  Or I've noticed there's a problem with me and I'm not sure
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  how to fix it. Can you give me some honest
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  feedback as to what I can do to improve this?
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  And by speaking like this, they'll begin to bond with you,
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  which is not easy for an avoidant.
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  So you are now an ally and not a potential enemy.
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  Because you're solving problems together.
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  You're becoming useful to them and they will be less likely to
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  want to get away from you. They'll start to trust you more,
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  and the more they trust you again, the less likely they are
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  to run away from you. Now, something else to keep in
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  mind is that avoidance will often break up with you and say
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  that they don't think they can give you what you're looking for
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  when you haven't even talked about what you're looking for.
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  And This is why you have to be very clear as to exactly what
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  you're looking for and how often.
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  Meaning how often do you want to see them, for how long, when,
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  etcetera, etcetera. Lay everything out.
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  This will help them to feel less pressured and it lowers their
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  need to get away from you and to take space and run away.
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  They need to see you as low risk.
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  Remember, they're always assessing risk and that's the
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  only way that you're going to stop them from running away.
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  And by the way, if you're finding this helpful so far, I
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  would appreciate if you would give this video a like so that
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  the YouTube algorithm will say, wow, a lot of people like this
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  video. Maybe we should recommend it to
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  other people. Thank you.
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  So This is why I suggest that every week you sit down and take
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  the temperature of the relationship.
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  What do I mean by that? I tell this to all my clients.
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  You want to discuss the things that made you happy with your
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  partner that week. And then you want to discuss the
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  things that you weren't so thrilled about because sweeping
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  things under the rug is not going to make issues go away.
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  But by discussing everything, putting everything on the table,
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  and finally finding a mutually agreed upon solution, then you
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  won't have any issues because you're discussing everything
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  every week. You're not sweeping things out
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  of the rug. Now you've heard of love
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  languages. Probably most people seem to
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  have heard of the book Love Languages.
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  Well, for most, avoidance, their love language is when you help
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  them avoid and manage risk. And you will.
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  If you do that, you'll be the first person who has ever
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  understood them and who cannot help but fall in love with
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  someone who understands them and cares for them no matter what
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  their attachment style is, right?
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  We all want someone who understands us and cares for us.
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  So, as I've mentioned before, think of avoidance as a feral
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  cat by agreeing to date you or be in a relationship with you or
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  even marry you. What marriage?
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  You managed to get the feral cat into the house, but it's
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  sticking close to the door. One wrong move and it's out.
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  So if you try to give too much too soon or to lock them down,
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  they will run back outside. So make your expectations very
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  clear from the beginning. Because in having unclear
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  expectations when they aren't met, you're going to become
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  anxious and needy, and then that is going to push the avoidance
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  away. So you say I need this.
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  Is that OK? I only need this much.
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  Will that work? Say something like, I just need
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  a good morning text and I don't need to hear from you the rest
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  of the day until the evening. Is that OK?
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  And if you've ever dealt with an avoidance, you know that they
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  need a lot of space, right? I'm an avoidant.
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  I'm an avoidant. I need my space, lots of space.
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  So it's crucial that you let them know it's OK to take space
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  and just to let you know when they're taking it.
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  Otherwise you're going to take it personally and you're going
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  to pull away. And, and as an avoidance, I can
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  tell you it's not about you. It's not you, it's me.
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  We need our space. It has nothing to do with you.
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  No matter how much we love you, we, we, we still need that
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  space. So when there's a conflict or
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  disagreement, let them know that you're there to solve it
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  together and you're on the same team as them.
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  You're not an adversary, Adversary can't talk to them and
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  avoidant will love you. And do not chase them when they
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  pull away. I know your instinct is going to
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  be to chase after them, especially if you have an
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  anxious attachment style and you need to temper that instinct.
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  You can, if you want, leave them a message acknowledging that
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  they pulled away and let them know that you'll be there for
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  them when they're ready to come back.
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  And I'm not talking about a break up here, I'm talking about
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  if they pull away for a day or two.
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  And this is if you're in a relationship, if you're just
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  dating casually, if you're not exclusive, then don't do this.
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  Because if you're not in a relationship, they can pull away
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  as much as they want, right? So talk everything through with
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  them in a clear, rational way. Be honest and open and don't
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  leave things unsaid. And this will make them feel
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  safe. The goal is to show them that
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  you're not going to hurt them. And when you do that, you become
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  their Peace of Mind, which is what everyone is looking for,
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  whether they're aware of that or not.
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  And why would you ever leave someone who brings you Peace of
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  Mind? But first, you have to do the
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  work on yourself. You have to be at peace.
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  You can't bring peace to someone else if you yourself is not at
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  peace, if you yourself are not at peace.
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  So if you're with an avoid and you want to have a successful
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  relationship with them, do the work to make yourself secure.
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  If you have an anxious attachment style.
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  And in behaving this way, their avoidant attachment will begin
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  to be healed because someone will finally be loving them the
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  way that they want to be loved. They'll start to believe in
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  love. The feral cat will stop running
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  and start purring. So now I want to hear from you.
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  If you're dating an avoidant, leave a comment below or if you
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  were were dating an avoidant and tell us about your experience so
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  that other people can also learn from you.
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  And in the meantime, if you would like my help to get your
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  ex back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net and we will
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  send you the rates. They are not on the website, but
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  the direct link is below every single video and podcast.
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  If you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe and
• 8:56
  share. If you're listening to this as a
• 8:59
  podcast, please rate and review. And finally, remember that love
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  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.