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Mojo Monday - Mastering Boundaries: Balancing Emotions and Values through the lens of Morita Therapy with Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Hi everybody, Carly Taylor here and welcome back to this
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: week's Mojo Monday. So we're going to dive into a
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: topic that's often discussed in various ways, and that is
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: around setting boundaries. So specifically, we're going to examine this
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: through the lens of Marita therapy, and I will no
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: doubt throw in a bit of ACT which is acceptance,
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: commitment therapy, and stoicism, because the three of those modalities
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: really intersect and align so well. So social media is
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: flooded with advice on setting boundaries, particularly with those individuals
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  Speaker 1: who are perceived as difficult or they use descriptions like toxic.
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  Speaker 1: Often these messages seem to suggest that setting boundaries means
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  Speaker 1: controlling someone else's behavior or dismissing them entirely from your life.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: And of course there are situations that require serious intervention,
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  Speaker 1: like when someone is in physical danger or experience emotional abuse.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: But today I want to focus on managing relationships with
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  Speaker 1: people who may not be abusive but are still challenging.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: They might be challenging your patients, family members, work, colleagues,
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  Speaker 1: or friends. So I want to look at this through
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  Speaker 1: the lens and the framework of Marita therapy, which if
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  Speaker 1: you're not familiar with that is a Japanese psychological approach,
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  Speaker 1: and what it does is it emphasizes acceptance and focusing
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  Speaker 1: on what we can control. And one key teaching is
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: to accept life as it is and differentiate between what
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: we can and what we can't control. And I'll just
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: add in there when we talk about acceptance, it's not
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: a passive acceptance. It's we need to accept life as
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: it is and then that next step is right what
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  Speaker 1: needs to be done. So Marita therapy is often called
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: the psychology of action. So let's give an example. So
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  Speaker 1: what other people do or say, their beliefs, their values,
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  Speaker 1: these are all outside our control. So this perspective, what
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  Speaker 1: it does is it challenges the common advice around boundaries
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  Speaker 1: that suggest to you that we need to control or
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: change others, We need to control their behavior, and this
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  Speaker 1: approach often leads to frustration and stress, especially when others
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: don't change their behavior, because ultimately that's outside of our control.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: So what do we do in these situations? So Marita
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  Speaker 1: therapy teaches us that our automatic emotions and thoughts are
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  Speaker 1: a part of being human. We can't control them, but
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: what we can do is not be dictated by them,
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  Speaker 1: and instead we focus on actions that are aligned with
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  Speaker 1: our purpose and align with our values. And this means
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  Speaker 1: our responses should be guided by what's important to us
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  Speaker 1: rather than being solely driven by the immediate emotion that
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: comes up, which is very very hard to do. This
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  Speaker 1: is a skill. Sometimes our immediate emotions are just so
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: powerful and are really driving us into action, and then
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: we end up doing things that we later on when
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  Speaker 1: things come down, that we can regret. You know, our purpose,
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  Speaker 1: for example, might be to maintain a meaningful relationship whilst
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: being open and honest, or act with grace and dignity
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  Speaker 1: even in challenging situations. And character strengths are really a
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  Speaker 1: good compass, you know, things like patience, empathy, and integrity
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  Speaker 1: that can really guide our actions. I want to explore
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: a couple of examples just to illustrate this. Imagine you
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  Speaker 1: have a friend whose political views or comments are really
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  Speaker 1: upsetting you, and your immediate reaction might be to demand
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  Speaker 1: they stop sharing their opinions, or you consider ending the
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: friendship or avoiding them, or maybe you aren't going to
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: say anything, but you're spending a lot of energy dwelling
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  Speaker 1: on it. Which is having a knock on effect to
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: other areas of your life. Putting so much attention onto
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  Speaker 1: your emotional response might not align with the long term
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  Speaker 1: values or the importance of the friendship. So the emotions,
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: if left to their own devices, can cloud your judgment
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  Speaker 1: and cloud the perspective of the situation. So using Marita
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  Speaker 1: therapy principles, you'd pause and reflect, So ask the question
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: what is beyond my control? Here? The friend's opinions and
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: comments are not within your control. What she says and
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  Speaker 1: does is up to her. And also your automatic emotions
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  Speaker 1: and thoughts are not within your control. You may not
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: want to feel the way you do, but in reality,
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  Speaker 1: you do feel that way, and struggling with that often
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  Speaker 1: intensifies the emotions. So what is within your control? So
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  Speaker 1: where you decide your attention goes is within your control.
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  Speaker 1: It can go on the anger or the resentment, or
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  Speaker 1: whatever the emotion is that's showing up, or it can
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: look for solutions that are aligned with your values and
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  Speaker 1: what is important to you deep down in your heart.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: Instead of letting frustration dictate your actions, you could approach
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  Speaker 1: the situation by having a calm discussion about your relationship.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: How this is affecting you or deciding to limit conversations
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: on sensitive topics. This approach aligns with the purpose of
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  Speaker 1: maintaining the relationship while being honest and respectful. But keep
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  Speaker 1: in mind that what your friend does, what they decide,
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  Speaker 1: is ultimately not up to you and is not within
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: your control. So if the outcome isn't what you hoped for,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes we need to accept the discomfort that this can
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: bring in the service of something bigger and in this case, friendship.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: Let's dive into another scenario. Your mother in law drops
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  Speaker 1: by unannounced on a regular basis and it feels like
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  Speaker 1: an invasion of your privacy. You're frustrated and angry because
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  Speaker 1: it disrupts you, your routine and your boundaries. So this
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  Speaker 1: is a tricky situation because it affects not just your
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  Speaker 1: relationship with her, but potentially your partner as well. From
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  Speaker 1: the perspective of Japanese ps ecology, here, there's a gap
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: between reality and how we wish things would be. So,
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  Speaker 1: for example, ideally your mother in law would call ahead
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  Speaker 1: or you would plan visits in advance. So recognizing this
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  Speaker 1: gap can help you manage your emotions while figuring out
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  Speaker 1: the best way to handle the situation, and we want
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  Speaker 1: to widen the lens of this situation. So it's important
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: to try and understand things from her perspective. And this
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  Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you have to excuse her behavior, but
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  Speaker 1: it can help to consider a few questions. So why
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  Speaker 1: does she drop in undernounced? Could she be lonely or
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  Speaker 1: feel that this is a normal way to connect? You know,
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  Speaker 1: is this something? Is this behavior something she sees as
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  Speaker 1: part of her role, or does she have different expectations
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  Speaker 1: about how visits should be handled. Understanding her point of
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: views it putting yourself in her shoes. It can make
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: it easier to decide how best to address the issues effectively.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: And of course there's so many different situations where we
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: are struggling with people who are who we perceive as
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: crossing boundaries. But I think it is important to recognize
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  Speaker 1: that sometimes we use boundaries as a way to avoid
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  Speaker 1: the discomfort of our emotions. And it doesn't mean that
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: we're making excuses for others' behavior, but it's almost like
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: we have to coexist with our emotions in the service
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  Speaker 1: of a wider purpose, you know, things like maintaining a
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: long term relationship or acting with grace or upholding personal
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  Speaker 1: integrity can be more important than those immediate emotional reactions
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  Speaker 1: and emotions that we're trying to avoid. Other people can
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  Speaker 1: really press our buttons and it can create a really
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: strong emotional response, but it doesn't mean that we always
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: have to act according to that response. The main takeaway
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  Speaker 1: for this is to focus on what you can control,
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  Speaker 1: which is your own behavior and attitude. Accept the discomfort
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  Speaker 1: that comes from difficult interactions, and strive to act based
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  Speaker 1: on your values and your purpose rather than your automatic
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  Speaker 1: immediate emotional response. And this approach helps maintain relationships without
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: compromising your own principles. Thank you for listening today. If
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: you're enjoying the podcast and find it valuable, please consider
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: leaving a five star review on Apple Podcasts. It does
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: help us reach more listeners and helps us to continue
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: providing content that hopefully is valuable to you. So have
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: a good week and I will see you next Monday.