Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / How to Respond When Your Ex Says Things That Trigger You

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How to Respond When Your Ex Says Things That Trigger You · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warren Tree people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to be talking about something that every separated or divorced human, every separated divorced parent will have experienced, and that is those moments when your ex says something that triggers or activates you, and suddenly you feel it in your body, in your chest, in your jaw, your stomach, and before you've even had a moment to think or process, you're right back in the old dynamic.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And this can happen even I was gonna say years, probably years down the track that you suddenly find yourself just pulled back into that old dynamic.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: It can also happen with family members, siblings, parents, right?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: You snap and you're back in that dynamic.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've had this happen, particularly recently, you know, end of year stuff is coming up, we're all engaging with our ex-partners, co-parents in a variety of ways, probably a little more than perhaps we might want to or need to at other times of the year.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've had this happen to you recently, don't make it wrong or bad.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: You're not doing things, divorce wrong, you're not failing.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's a perfectly human response.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: But what can change and what I'm going to talk you through today is how you respond, how you stay grounded, how you choose yourself, and how you stay in your emotional power, even when the interaction or the person is pulling you toward an older version of yourself.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So when your ex says next says something, when they say something that activates, triggers you, hits a nerve, it usually means one of three things.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's poking at an old wound that you might be working on healing but isn't healed, it's connected or pulling you back into an identity, a version of you, an identity that you used to hold.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or three, it's a repeat of a relational dynamic that once held some power over you, but perhaps you're expanding out of, right?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Triggers aren't random things, they're messages, they're little signposts pointing to things like where you've been dismissed or silenced or misunderstood, where perhaps you've been made to feel like you're too much or not enough, whatever it is.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And some of them go back right to our family of origin, childhood wounds, right?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Some of them are more current relational, more recent relational wounds, issues, whatever, the little signposts of the giving you messages, right?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And in separation through divorce and all the negotiations and co-parenting afterwards, those things sometimes get amplified because there's actually less emotional safety and more vulnerability, more emotional exposure, right?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the reframe: triggers and you noticing that you're triggered actually means that you're healing.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're noticing, when you notice, when you can notice, you can then choose differently.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about a few common triggers that I often work through with my clients and that a lot of us experience in relationship and as we exit and untangle from relationships, right?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is that you're too much or you're too emotional, and this one really hits for lots of women and people who identify as women, right?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's the thing that gets used to shut you down, to minimize you, to make you shrink.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's the thing that keeps you quiet, but now you can change your response.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And whether you say this out loud or not, part of the reframe is what you think about yourself when you hear this or when you feel this being triggered within you.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: You don't get to tell me that anymore.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: This person doesn't get to dictate whether I'm too much, whether I'm too emotional.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have that power anymore.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: No explanation, no over talking, no performing emotional niceties or niceness to keep them comfortable.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Just a boundary.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it might be like an internal mantra.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: My emotions are valid, your opinion of them is not my responsibility.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or it might be spoken aloud.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: You don't get to tell me I'm too much, not enough anymore.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Comment trigger number two, you're overreacting, you're the problem.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And this comment is thrown at us, it is designed whether consciously or unconsciously to disarm you and push you back into a defense mode.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're overreacting, you're the problem.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's designed to deflect from the person who's declaring that you're the problem, you're overreacting, and it is designed to tip you into self-doubt.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Am I the problem?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Am I overreacting?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: To question yourself, right?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And your response can be something like your belief or beliefs about me don't really matter here.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: What matters is XYZ, whatever we're discussing, right?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or you don't actually get to comment or judge or control my emotions or my responses.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: You get to control yours and I'll control mine.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: You control your behavior, I'll control mine.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: You focus on what you can do, I'll focus on what I can do.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And this shifts the dynamic, shifts it in different space and puts responsibility back where it back where it belongs, right?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: You take ownership of what's on your side of the fence, they take ownership on what's on their side of the fence.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: No one is overreacting, no one is the problem, no one is being minimized here.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's about personal responsibility.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And common trigger number three is the pretending that everything's fine, dynamic.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: There's no problem here, and this one is really common, especially with emotionally avoidant or conflict-averse ex-partners, even partners, right?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it sounds like let's just get on with it, let's just get this done.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you making it so complicated?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Can we not talk about this right now?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: We're all good, we're all good, everything's fine.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or they just change the subject and act like nothing happened, nothing was said, nothing was shifted, and there was no conflict, there was no problem.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's the pretend everything is fine dynamic, right?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this, if this is your experience through separation, divorce, it's probably likely or it's highly likely that the dynamic existed in that relation in the relationship too, right?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Before separation, you raised something important or something that's important to you, they minimized it, deflected, you felt dismissed, and no change happened, nothing changed, right?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And here it is again.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: So don't be surprised if these common triggers are really familiar to you because they would have happened while still in relationship with this person, right?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And don't expect them to be different just because you're separating.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Behaviors don't automatically change, it takes conscious effort for relational change, relational behaviors to change, right?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: So if this is your experience, your response can be, I understand that you want to move on quickly or that you don't want to have this difficult conversation, but we can't skip over this.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: We need to have this conversation, we need to make a decision, whatever it is.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you want a gentler sort of boundary, we don't have to agree 100% on all the things, but we do need to address this issue, problem, whatever it is.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're by doing that, you're no longer participating or allowing that shutdown or emotional bypassing just because the other person doesn't want to engage, not in your marriage and not in your divorce, right?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: It is really important when you are feeling activated, triggered by your ex-partner that you start to think about or recognize or acknowledge what your triggers are.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing your triggers ahead of time can be really powerful.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you know what hooks you, you're I was gonna say you're not going to be, you're much less likely to be blindsided by it and pulled into reactivity.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel that trigger rise and you can give yourself time to make a choice about how you respond.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: So spend some time reflecting, asking yourself what comments, what things do that does my ex say?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: What comments do they make that instantly activate me?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: What are those things?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be able to recognize them.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: What tone of voice gets under my skin?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: What words or phrases really trigger me?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: And what behaviours do I witness in my ex that pull me into old patterns?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: It might be words, it might be body language, it might be behaviour.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: What pulls me into the old pattern?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And where do I where do I lose my grounding?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Where do I feel less anchored in myself?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Write them down, name them, because when we do that, when we name them, when we acknowledge them, when we recognize where we give away our own power by being activated or triggered, then you can start to manage.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can start to manage that.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And part of managing it is learning to dial down your own reactivity.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Things are still going to piss you off.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: They're going to do or say things that still activate, trigger, and piss you off, right?
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: But the key is knowing what knowing what the the likely triggers are and then having strategies to manage them to dial down your reactivity.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: So this is the difference between reacting from a wounded space and responding from knowing and grounding and wisdom, right?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: So here are some practical tangible things, tools that you can use in the moment.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: And the first one is breathe, right?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is the fastest nervous system reset.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Slow, deliberate breathing actively disrupts your stress response and dials you down, brings you out of fight flight.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: So try in for four, hold for two, out for six, something like that.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't have that time and capacity, you can just dig your fingernails into your palms, bring yourself back into present.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: But breathing is excellent, it calms your heart rate, it pulls you out of what we call amygdala hijack, pulls you out of reactivity and gives you back access to rational, objective thinking so that you can respond and not react.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: The second strategy is just to pause.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Even three or five seconds feels like a really long time when you're activated, when you're triggered, and if just being silent feels a bit too weird in the moment, you can simply say, hmm, I need a second to think about that, or let me come back to you on that, or just give me a moment.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you can even bend down and tie your shoelace if you need to.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, give yourself a pause because pausing breaks that old dynamic of reactivity of jumping in to defend, explain, justify, rebut, deflect, right?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Pause.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: However, you can create a pause for yourself either through words or action, give yourself the space.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And the third strategy is to actually reflect back what they've said to you.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a really powerful, brilliant technique because it slows the conversation down, it buys you time, it gives your brain more processing time, and it stops it stops you from reacting, so stops or prevents or minimizes escalation, and it can help just create a little bit of clarity for you.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: So you can say, so what you're saying is blah blah blah, repeat the gist of what you heard from them, then pause.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they'll confirm or clarify, and then you can respond from a more grounded place, right?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: What this does is buy you the pause and buy you the brain processing time, maybe even buy you the time to have a couple of deep breaths and then respond.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: So if your ex says, you know, you're the problem, you're making this harder than it needs to be, you can respond.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: So what you're saying is that you think I'm overcomplicating things, and you can add, is that right?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Pause.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Then here's what's actually happening from my perspective, or my understanding of what's going on here is, or what I need from this conversation is, right?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: So that reflecting back to them what they've said invites them to potentially explain or justify, but it also gives you time to formulate your own response rather than just fire off, rapid fire off a reaction back, right?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is powerful.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's not aggressive, you're not shutting down, it's opening a conversation and shifting the dynamic so that you can move forward.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Grounded, clear, emotionally mature, emotionally in tune, and you taking back what you can control, and that is the way you respond and react.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it redefines the relationship, the interaction, the engagement.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: And for the other person, it can sometimes be really disconcerting because they're used to the old dynamic, right?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: They're not actually invested in changing it right now, like you are.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: So it can feel really destabilizing for them for you to choose to react and respond in in different ways to break the cycle, to break the pattern.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: So they may still speak to you from the old version of the relationship, they may still roll out the old scripts and therefore keep continuing to poke the old wounds, but you're not that person anymore.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: You are well, you're becoming someone different, and therefore you are relating to them in different ways.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: So it's about putting in a boundary, holding your emotional energy really carefully for yourself, and choosing the pace, the tone, the energy of the interaction, and not giving that away to them.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Every time you respond differently, even if it's only once, you are rewiring, reteaching your nervous system a new pattern, a new way of engaging.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're building knowing in your body and your nervous system, and you're building emotional strength and emotional sovereignty, I guess.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: You're creating that safety within yourself and rewiring the pattern, the thinking, the nervous system.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're also modeling empowered communication for your kids, even if they're not actively seeing, hopefully, they're not actively seeing conflicting conflict or challenging conversations between their parents.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: But if they are, then you're modeling calm, compassionate, respectful communication, and they're witnessing that.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: So you're modeling empowered communication for your kids, and you're stepping out of that old pattern, you're stepping out of that old pattern and into something new, so that you can take that with you, not only with into your new the new version of your relationship with this person, your ex, your co-parent, but also in other relationships, because shifting healing uh patterns in this relationship gifts you the capacity to use and take those skills into new relationships and other existing relationships with friends, with colleagues, with family members.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: So know your triggers, know how to dial them down and give yourself time to respond rather than simply react and get sucked back into old patterns.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Triggers are really important indicators of our own healing, too.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can recognize them, if you can dial yourself down, you're not gonna get it perfect every time, but if you can start to do that, then you know that you that you're doing the healing work, right?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: It might be lifelong work, you know.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your sister, your ex-husband, your ex-wife may activate and trigger you for a really long time.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's your reality, don't make that bad or wrong, right?
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: You're separating, you're divorcing for really good reasons.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but this is a reminder that being triggered or activated by them is an indicator that there's still work to do, you've still got healing to do.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode resonated, if you recognized yourself in any of these dynamics and you want more support in shifting how you communicate with your ex, this is exactly part of the work I do with my clients.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, if you know someone, maybe it's your ex.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who would benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, a reminder that being activated, being triggered doesn't make you wrong.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's what you do with that activation and that trigger, and it's an invitation to step into a different version of you.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's an invitation to choose you and choose who you are becoming rather than be pulled back into who you were, because who you're becoming is really, really worth doing this work.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here as always.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.