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Mojo Monday - Three Practical Approaches to Accept the Nature of Being Human with Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

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  Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, it's Calie Taylor here for this week's Mojo Monday. Today,
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  Speaker 1: we are going to talk about a concept that is
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  Speaker 1: at the heart of three approaches to life, three approaches
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  Speaker 1: to being human that have really shaped my life and
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  Speaker 1: my work, and that is marina therapy, stoicism and acceptance
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  Speaker 1: and commitment therapy. And the concept that I want to
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  Speaker 1: talk to you about today is around acceptance. So acceptance
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  Speaker 1: of our uncomfortable and often highly inconvenient emotions and thoughts
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  Speaker 1: really goes against our natural instinct, and that's why it's
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  Speaker 1: a skill that is very easy to talk about, but
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  Speaker 1: a lot harder to apply, especially when life is tough.
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  Speaker 1: But I will talk about acceptance through the lens of
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  Speaker 1: these three approaches, and I'll give you some extra resources
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  Speaker 1: to check out if you're interested in learning more. So,
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  Speaker 1: each of these approaches views acceptance as an essential to
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  Speaker 1: living a rich, purposeful and meaningful life, but they each
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  Speaker 1: bring something unique to the table. So stoicism teaches us
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  Speaker 1: to live with excellence, so what the stoics call arta,
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  Speaker 1: and to focus on what is within our control while
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  Speaker 1: accepting that there are a whole lot of things that
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  Speaker 1: are not within our control. And then Marita therapy, a
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  Speaker 1: Japanese psychological approach, encourages us to align with nature by
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  Speaker 1: fully experiencing our motions without resisting or suppressing them. And
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  Speaker 1: then ACT, which stands for acceptance and commitment therapy. So
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  Speaker 1: there's the acceptance in the title, which is a modern
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  Speaker 1: psychological therapy emphasizing the skill of psychological flexibility. Part of
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  Speaker 1: that is about making room for thoughts and emotions, observing
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  Speaker 1: them with curiosity, and focusing on committed action aligned with
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  Speaker 1: our values. So that's kind of just a really brief
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  Speaker 1: summary of these three approaches. What I love about them
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  Speaker 1: is how beautifully they intertwine. They often not just ways
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  Speaker 1: for us to understand acceptance, but gives us. All three
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  Speaker 1: of them give us us practical strategies to actually live them.
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  Speaker 1: So I want to explore the three of these approaches
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  Speaker 1: and how they can help us with this art of acceptance.
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  Speaker 1: So let's start with stoicism. So stoicism is really grounded
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  Speaker 1: in realism. In fact, all three of these approaches are,
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  Speaker 1: and it makes sense straight away for us. So it's
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  Speaker 1: a philosophy that has influenced many modern therapies, particularly cognitive
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  Speaker 1: behavior therapy, and one of the most important teachings in
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  Speaker 1: stoicism comes from Epictetis, and Epictetis said, our lives are
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  Speaker 1: in two zones. Zone one all the things we can control,
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  Speaker 1: and zone two are all the things we can't control.
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  Speaker 1: And if we take this model and actually write down
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  Speaker 1: all the things in our lives that we can't control,
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  Speaker 1: most are external to us, so things like the weather,
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  Speaker 1: other people's thoughts and behaviors, wars, politics, death, and you know,
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  Speaker 1: the list is huge what is in zone two. But
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  Speaker 1: what's interesting is when I get people to write these down,
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  Speaker 1: it's very rare that anyone includes their automatic thoughts and emotions.
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  Speaker 1: Yet these are definitely things that are outside of our control.
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  Speaker 1: We've been so conditioned and that message is still out
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  Speaker 1: there that we believe we should be able to control them.
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  Speaker 1: But if that were true, people wouldn't be strngruggling as much
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  Speaker 1: as they do now. And yes, there's neuroplasticity where we
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  Speaker 1: can influence our brain wiring over time to improve our
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  Speaker 1: thinking patterns, but this isn't control. It's an influence and
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  Speaker 1: it takes a lot of time, and from an evolutionary perspective,
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  Speaker 1: and this is really important to know and part of
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  Speaker 1: the acceptance part is our brains are doing their job
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  Speaker 1: protecting us based on our past experiences, especially our experiences
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  Speaker 1: from childhood. These negative thought patterns and anxiety are simply
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  Speaker 1: our brains way of trying to keep us safe. But
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  Speaker 1: here's where we can make things worse because we treat
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  Speaker 1: these automatic experiences as something we need to control or fix.
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  Speaker 1: And the more attention we give them, the more attention
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  Speaker 1: we try and we try to suppress or eliminate them,
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  Speaker 1: the more intense they become. And this is because the
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  Speaker 1: brain assigns more resources, more neuro cells to what we
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  Speaker 1: focus on. And there's a saying where our attention goes
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  Speaker 1: our energy flows, and we've all been there. We all
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  Speaker 1: when we feel anxious, it's really uncomfortable. We don't want
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  Speaker 1: to feel anxious. It's getting in the way of the
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  Speaker 1: things that we want to do, So we put all
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  Speaker 1: our attention on trying to get rid of that anxiety,
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  Speaker 1: and often it actually makes the anxiety worse. So if
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  Speaker 1: we can consciously accept that our automatic thoughts and emotions
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  Speaker 1: belong in zone two, those things that we cannot control,
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  Speaker 1: then we can slowly drop the struggle of trying to
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  Speaker 1: control them. Instead, we then turn our attention put our
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  Speaker 1: energy into zone one and that is how we then
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  Speaker 1: respond to those emotions and thoughts. And it sounds really simple,
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  Speaker 1: and as I say, it's a simple model, but we
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  Speaker 1: know that simple doesn't mean ea and it's a skill
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  Speaker 1: to practice. So I share an example from my own life.
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  Speaker 1: So I grew up in part of the environment that
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  Speaker 1: I grew up had a lot of conflict with relationships,
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  Speaker 1: and so when I'm faced with conflict now, my stress
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  Speaker 1: response is just immediate, it's automatic. And what comes up
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  Speaker 1: for me is anxiety. And I can't control that because
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  Speaker 1: my brain starts to alert me based on my experience
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  Speaker 1: as a child, it's doing its job. It's trying to
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  Speaker 1: protect me, and I have to fully accept that. But
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  Speaker 1: here's the catch on this is acceptance. This acceptance is
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  Speaker 1: not a passive acceptance. It's about accepting my reality right here,
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  Speaker 1: right now. And if my hand is shaking or I
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  Speaker 1: have worried thoughts swelling through my head, I don't like it,
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  Speaker 1: and it's really uncomfortable, but I have to make room
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  Speaker 1: for it, and that way I don't go into to
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  Speaker 1: avoidance mode and fall apart. What I can do is
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  Speaker 1: once I've made room for that and accepted that, accepted this,
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  Speaker 1: so then turn my attention to what is in my
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  Speaker 1: zone one and that is how I respond. So, for example,
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  Speaker 1: I might get into solution modes, so tapping into what
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  Speaker 1: strengths I need here? What are my character strengths? Which
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  Speaker 1: the Stoics have taught us is to focus on that
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  Speaker 1: arratae to focus on those strengths that we have inside
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  Speaker 1: of us. And so I will look at what do
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  Speaker 1: I need in this moment? Is it courage? Is it calm?
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  Speaker 1: And then I might take a walk in nature to
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  Speaker 1: calm my nervous system and look. Some may say that
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  Speaker 1: that is a form of trying to control, but sometimes
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  Speaker 1: you do have to work on your physiology so you
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  Speaker 1: can get on with what it is that you need
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  Speaker 1: to do. And another thing that I do is I
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  Speaker 1: have this beautiful necklace that has a symbol of courage
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  Speaker 1: on it. It's got like this little lion engraved in it,
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  Speaker 1: and so that is kind of my anchor that I have.
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  Speaker 1: So I can just touch that necklace to necklace to
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  Speaker 1: remind myself that in this situation I need to draw
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  Speaker 1: on courage. So can you see the difference I'm accepting
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  Speaker 1: my automatic reactions while focusing on what I can control,
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  Speaker 1: and that is my behavior, and tapping into that wiser
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  Speaker 1: kind of higher self. Another alignment of these three approaches
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  Speaker 1: is their emphasis on living in harmony with nature. So
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  Speaker 1: the Stoics believed it is in our nature to live
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  Speaker 1: with rata, to cultivate this good character and contribute to society,
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  Speaker 1: and that's part of that zone one, how we live
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  Speaker 1: with integrity of what I'm calling now our higher self,
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  Speaker 1: but what they call Arrata. And Marita also saw humans
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  Speaker 1: being human as inseparable from nature. So Marita, who was
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  Speaker 1: a prominent psychiatrist, he was head of a psychiatric ward
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  Speaker 1: in Tokyo. He believed that to mess with our emotions
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  Speaker 1: and our feelings and thoughts was to mess with nature itself.
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  Speaker 1: So instead Marita encourages us to welcome our emotions and
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  Speaker 1: to allow them to come and go, just like the weather.
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  Speaker 1: So if you imagine emotions as weather patterns, and we
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  Speaker 1: are the sky, so there's storms, there's rain, there's sunshine,
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  Speaker 1: there's gentle bruises, and there's gusty winds, and they're all transient.
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  Speaker 1: We know that the weather comes and goes and if
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  Speaker 1: you're in Melbourne, you know, we can have four seasons
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  Speaker 1: in one day, and that can be our emotions a
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  Speaker 1: lot of the time. But with Marita's approach, the sky
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  Speaker 1: is always there. It's vast and unchanging, even when the
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  Speaker 1: weather feels overwhelming. So we can coexist with these transient
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  Speaker 1: feelings while we live purposely and we do what needs
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  Speaker 1: to be done in that moment. And it doesn't mean
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  Speaker 1: that it's not uncomfortable, it doesn't mean that it's not hard,
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  Speaker 1: but we know that emotions they come and go, and
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  Speaker 1: we know that it's not going to be forever, and
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  Speaker 1: so we get on with what we need to do
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  Speaker 1: while coexisting and taking these emotions along with the ride.
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  Speaker 1: And this is why I encourage people to discover is
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  Speaker 1: what they can do while the emotional storm is there. So,
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  Speaker 1: for example, if someone is feeling really low, low mood,
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  Speaker 1: no energy, and they're caught in this cycle of self
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  Speaker 1: critical thoughts telling themselves they're an awful person, they can
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  Speaker 1: become so entrenched in the dark clouds that they lose
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  Speaker 1: sight of the sky. And what I do is I
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  Speaker 1: ask them to consider what is one small thing you
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  Speaker 1: can do right now? And it doesn't have to be monumental.
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  Speaker 1: It could be cooking a healthy meal, or taking a walk,
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  Speaker 1: or spending time with the dog, or even just doing
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  Speaker 1: the washing. The key is that it's something meaningful, something
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  Speaker 1: constructive or purposeful. And it's about taking the dark clouds
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  Speaker 1: with them, not fighting with them, not trying to blow
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  Speaker 1: them away, but slowly realizing that beyond the darkness of
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  Speaker 1: the clouds, there is the sky, and that is life.
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  Speaker 1: It's still there, it still exists. And then finally, let's
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  Speaker 1: talk about ACT acceptance and commitment therapy. So ACT gives
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  Speaker 1: us tools and strategies to accept our automatic emotions and thoughts,
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  Speaker 1: knowing that they are not within our control, and helps
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  Speaker 1: us to act in alignment with our values. So, in ACT,
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  Speaker 1: the opposite of acceptance is fusion. Fusion happens when we
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  Speaker 1: become so entangled with our thoughts and emotions that they
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  Speaker 1: dominate all our awareness, so there's no space to choose
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  Speaker 1: our response, so we just react based on the emotion.
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  Speaker 1: It's like a big hook has come along and just
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  Speaker 1: pulled us off in a direction that we don't really
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  Speaker 1: want to go in. But the hook has all the power.
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  Speaker 1: And so one speaking of power, one powerful technique in
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  Speaker 1: act is called dropping anchor, and I'll go through it
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  Speaker 1: with you. But the only way to really grasp this
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  Speaker 1: is to practice it. So if you are interested in
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  Speaker 1: practicing this technique, all you really have to do is
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  Speaker 1: google it. You google dropping anchor. It was created by
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  Speaker 1: Russ Harrison. He has so many free, really helpful resources
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  Speaker 1: online and there will either be a script or there
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  Speaker 1: will even be a recording there that you can use.
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  Speaker 1: It's a really effective diffusion technique. So what it is
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  Speaker 1: is you first acknowledge your thoughts and feelings so you
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  Speaker 1: could silently name them. You could say, I notice anxiety,
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  Speaker 1: so notice where it is in the body. Just notice
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  Speaker 1: how you're feeling internally. And then you ground yourself by
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  Speaker 1: using your body. Because you can always control your arms
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  Speaker 1: and legs, you can control your movement. So what I
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  Speaker 1: love to do is I push my feet into the floor.
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  Speaker 1: I find that really grounding, or straighten your posture or
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  Speaker 1: have a stretch. And then you expand your awareness by
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  Speaker 1: noticing the sits, the sounds, the textures all around you.
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  Speaker 1: You notice what's in the room using your senses, and
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  Speaker 1: then you refocus on what you're doing, what needs to
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  Speaker 1: be done. Now aligned with your actions and with your values.
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  Speaker 1: So what this technique beautifully does is it acknowledges your
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  Speaker 1: internal experience. We make room for it. You can use
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  Speaker 1: the breath expand yourself to make room for these thoughts
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  Speaker 1: and feelings. And then you ground yourself by being aware
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  Speaker 1: of your body by moving. And then you're expanding your
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  Speaker 1: awareness even more by noticing what's in the external world.
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  Speaker 1: And then you go to committed action. And what this
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  Speaker 1: practice does is it helps us unhook from the fusion.
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  Speaker 1: So we're unhooking, we're getting rid of the hook. We're
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  Speaker 1: not struggling anymore. We can observe and accept our experiences
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  Speaker 1: with openness and curiosity, and then we act with purpose.
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  Speaker 1: So I have done a lot of study, a lot
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  Speaker 1: of training, a lot of practice in my own life
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  Speaker 1: using these three approaches, not separately. I combine them all
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  Speaker 1: because they tie together so beautifully, and the shared emphasis
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  Speaker 1: that the three of them have on acceptance on a
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  Speaker 1: tension and action. You know, you can feel anger and
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  Speaker 1: not act angry. You can feel anxious and still do
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  Speaker 1: the very thing that you are anxious about. You can
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  Speaker 1: feel depressed and still get up and shower and go
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  Speaker 1: to work. So that's what I love about these three
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  Speaker 1: approaches is that they teach us the skills to live
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  Speaker 1: well even when we are feeling strong, intense emotions on
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  Speaker 1: the inside. And this isn't about sucking it up. It's
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  Speaker 1: not about faking it till you make it. It's not
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  Speaker 1: about just like get on with it. It's about knowing
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  Speaker 1: and understanding and accepting what it is to be human.
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  Speaker 1: It's our nature. So we're making room for that while
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  Speaker 1: we live our lives knowing that our emotions are transient.
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  Speaker 1: So this week, ask yourself, what is in my zone one?
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  Speaker 1: What is in my zone one for me today? And
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  Speaker 1: what is in my zone two? What am I putting
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  Speaker 1: my attention on? Am I putting my attention on the
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  Speaker 1: things I can control? Or am I struggling trying to
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  Speaker 1: control things in zone two? How can I align my
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  Speaker 1: actions not with my emotions, but align them with the
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  Speaker 1: person that you want to be or the person that
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  Speaker 1: you need to be in this situation. So, as I said,
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  Speaker 1: if you're interested in learning these skills of these approaches,
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  Speaker 1: I can recommend some books for you, and I'll put
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  Speaker 1: those in the show notes with some links. I'm actually
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  Speaker 1: writing a book myself, but it's taking a very long time,
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  Speaker 1: so in the meantime you can check these out if
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  Speaker 1: you are interested in learning more about these three modalities.
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  Speaker 1: So my final words are accept how you feel, feel
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  Speaker 1: how you feel, and turn your attention to what you
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  Speaker 1: can do and those actions are aligned with meaning, purpose
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  Speaker 1: and the person that you really want to be. So
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  Speaker 1: I have a great week everyone, and I will catch
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  Speaker 1: you next week.