Latest / Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse / Transforming Your Inner Critic: Self- Criticism to Self-Compassion Part 2 with Dana Williams

Transcript

Transforming Your Inner Critic: Self- Criticism to Self-Compassion Part 2 with Dana Williams · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Is there a major life transition benching you?
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I know you may be asking what's next?
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: What's my purpose?
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: What if?
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Because I've asked those too.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Start your Comeback podcast.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome back.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: You're listening to episode 69.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Last week, my friend Dana was here and we were talking about negative self-talk.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: She's back again today for part two of our conversation on self-talk.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: So, Dana, can you start us off by talking about an author that you and I briefly discussed while we were off air.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: One of the authors she is she's one of my new favorites now authors about this whole subject of our thought, life and our self-talk is Carolyn Leaf.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yes, and I couldn't find her book.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: I went through a whole Bible study called Switch on your Brain and it was a whole Bible study that I did at my church, and so if you don't know who she is, she's a doctor.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: She is a cognitive neuroscientist with a PhD in communication pathology and a BSc in logopedemics.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: She specializes in cognitive and metacognitive neuropsychology.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: I mean, that is a niche, we're talking, that's a niche and she's a very strong Christian, very strong Christian, very strong.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: And she goes into great detail about how our thoughts come from two camps.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: This was life-changing for me.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: They come from either a fear camp or a faith camp, and each of those branches if it were a funnel, if you think about it as a funnel each of those branches influence our hippocampus in our brain and this is where our hormones are released.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: Is that hippocampus?
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: And so, depending upon if you are grabbing a thought from our faith camp or our fear camp, the hormone release is different.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: If it's a faith camp, you're going to get lovely endorphins.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: If it's a faith camp, you're going to get lovely endorphins.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: It's going to be a positive release to the body.
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: Now, when it goes from the hippocampus, if I'm remembering correctly, it goes into all our internal organs.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: All of those chemicals feed our internal organs.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: But if it's a fear based on fear, that's going to release all the bad stuff, that's going to release all the fight or flight or the stress hormones that weigh on us.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: And it's fascinating how she says you can literally alter your brain chemistry based upon whether you're going to accept a fear-based thought or a faith-based thought.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: And, of course, why are our thoughts important?
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: Because everything that we say out of our mouth starts in our thoughts.
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: So when we're talking about self-talk, we're also talking about the things that we don't say over ourselves but that we think, because that's our internal voice.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: One of my favorite quotes from Carolyn Leaf is thoughts are real, physical things that occupy the mental real estate Moment by moment.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: Every day, you're changing the structure of your brain through your thinking.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: When we hope, it is an activity of the mind that changes the structure of our brain in a positive and normal direction.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: So this is the kind of stuff that gave me my aha moments, sure, and this has not been very long, and I had just kind of I had already been through the divorce and I was starting to be cognizant that I had negative self-talk, not just about me but about my former husband, about the situation, about you know, and it was really affecting moods.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: It was affecting my body.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: My body was responding in a very bad way.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: One of the things I dealt with in my marriage because of the plague was they were like stroke-like auras and it turned out to be a migraine disorder.
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: Auras and it turned out to be a migraine disorder.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: But at the beginning they looked like strokes, mini strokes from all the stress that was, from all the stress in the marriage.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: And I found out later that, oh, this is how my migraines started.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: But the migraines didn't show up for a year and a half.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: So we thought I was having mini strokes.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: So it was kind of scary.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: But this is so.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: That's a perfect example of how the stress that we're living in affects our brains.
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: It affects our thoughts, it affects our bodies.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: It affects everything but the self-talk.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: We can change that.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: That's the glory of this.
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: We can change that.
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: That's the glory of this.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: We can change that.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: It's not easy, it's not easy, and one of my favorite ways to do it is to take a scripture yes and put my name in it yes and read that to myself out loud.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: And I'm weird and I can't help it, but I don't like to be read to, so don't ever try to read to me, because I'll just whatever Note to self when I read out loud to myself or say things out loud and I can visually actually hear that and get it out of my head.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: I do so much better when I can do that because there's this sense of I'm not as bad as what I really have thought I am.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: I've been beating myself up in my brain and now look at this scripture.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: Whatever the scripture is, yes, Exodus, for instance, Exodus 14, 14,.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: Tony, the Lord will fight for you.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: You only need to be still oh, that's good and that just brings some sort of calm, yes, and a okay deep breath.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: Relax your shoulders a bit and just soak that in and if you have to say it 50 times, say it 50 times, because that's the only way I know is by hearing out loud.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: What we need to put in from scripture ourselves and those people close to us who speak truth into our lives Right To change that negative narrative.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: Definitely.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: It's like what we talked about before the label reading sessions.
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: I've mentioned it in several, several broadcasts and that's when you get your friends around you and they read into you what they see on your label.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: I love that so much.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it's a wonderful thing to do.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: It's like, no, you're not a horrible person, no, you're not ugly.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: No, you're not overweight.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: These are purely examples.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: It goes much deeper than that.
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, and actually let's change some of those examples, the things we say to ourselves when we go through a divorce.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: Like you know, he didn't stay with you because you didn't meet his needs, or he didn't stay with you because you're not attractive enough or you're not skinny enough.
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: These are the self-talk things that we can change.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: I mean, the word of God is, it's powerful and it's sharper than a two-edged sword.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: I was just about to say that, yes, and the word tells us, like Ephesians 4.29,.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: Don't let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: Well, that's not just to others, that's to ourselves.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: Colossians 4, 6,.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: Let your speech always be gracious and seasoned with salt, and I've heard two different camps on what salt is.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: Salt is pleasing to our palate, but it's also healing.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: Salt heals.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: A hundred percent.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: It's truth, that's what it is.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: It's truth, that's what it is.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: Yes, salt is truth, and sometimes truth is harder to hear than a lie.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: Oh, 100%, yes, yeah, if we could just change that default, which the Word of God does do that.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: But it takes time.
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: It's not going to take reading a scripture once over yourself.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: It's not going to take going through the year reading through the Bible.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: And now I'm changed.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: It's constant, it's just constant.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: It's a daily, minute-by-minute kind of deal.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: When you're in the throes of it, made time you may not only you may not have to do it, as much the older that you get or the more wisdom that you get, in, certain situations happen that you don't know.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: Then that's probably another time to to bunk in, because after a while then you're gonna start the truth.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: Once that's what you've been doing, it's there, there's no room for the negative.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: And then someone comes along and says you didn't do whatever, blah, blah, blah, right, correctly, and you're like whatever, yeah, you know.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Then you go find scripture and rebuild yourself so you can change the narrative.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: You can do it, but it takes a lot of work.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: Edit button.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: It takes a lot of work and you have to be diligent and consistent.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: Yes, because here's why.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: Because here's why God loves you too much to allow you to continue to beat yourself up.
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, that's right, he does.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: He does.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: I don't care what we've done, I don't care what sins we've committed or what we've said, it doesn't matter.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: He loves us so much more than we can understand ourselves.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: It's like I was journaling this morning.
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: There's several different scriptures that I'm kind of praying over myself for healing and I kept saying one of them is perfect fear casts out out, or perfect love casts out fear.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: Perfect fear doesn't do anything except torment us.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: Perfect love casts out fear, and that's one of the ones that I am trying to understand.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: What is perfect love?
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: Because those of us who come from a dysfunctional background, who have negative self-talk number one we probably don't love ourselves the way we should, because all we have heard about ourselves is negative self-talk or negative talk.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: I was saying, oh, the scripture, and I can't remember what it is right now.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: But it's perfect.
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: Love casts out fear, because fear is a torment and I, growing up in a household with an alcoholic and a perfectionist, that's not something.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: You don't understand.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: Perfect love, and it's not their fault, because they didn't understand perfect love so they don't know how to.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: I mean, they did their best, they loved me unconditionally, but the child in me saw a lot of imperfection, and so I'm having to relearn what perfect love is, because I want it to cast out fear.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: I want it to cast out all fear With me.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: Journaling was a big way that I discovered what my self-talk was, that I discovered what my self-talk was.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: Often we don't realize how bad our self-talk is until we see it in written form or we see it, like on a video.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: It's like ouch, looking right into the mirror.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: And, for instance, just a few months ago my son-in-law's mom passed away and she's just a dynamic woman of God and a very dear friend and it broke our hearts.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: But I was watching her family surround her, take care of her, and they were just 24 hours a day.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: They surrounded her and took care of her while she was getting ready to go home and I didn't realize how negative my self-talk was about me.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: Well, you know.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: So I started writing.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: Well, I don't have a husband that's going to wait on me hand and foot.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: You know, I have a son and a daughter.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: My son lives far away.
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: What if I get ill?
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: It's all on my daughter.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: She has little ones and a daughter.
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: My son lives far away.
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: What if I get ill?
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: It's all on my daughter.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: She has little ones.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: Who's going to do all of this for me?
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: And so I started, and before I knew it, there were days in there of me and my Linus blanket walking around in this dust cloud of self-pity.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: And I didn't realize it until I went back to read through and I had to repent.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: I had to repent for this self-pity, I had to repent for the oh, woe is me.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: And that's when I started to get my scriptures back out and say you know what, dana?
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: You moved back to your original default.
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: You need to pull it back in to God's default.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: Pull it back in to God's default.
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: And so sometimes the way I see my negative self-talk is I read it about myself.
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: So how do you find your negative self-talk if you're not aware of it?
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: How have you discovered it in yourself?
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: Oh, the same way.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: I'm a big journaler and when you go back and read it you're going man, what was wrong with you during that period?
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: Right, but I'm getting, I feel like I'm at a place now in my walk, in my relationship with Jesus, right, that I, I'll say it and I'll immediately know, yes, and I'll immediately confess and say I'm so sorry for saying that, because I mean from, yeah, so, so that's, that's now.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: It's a combination of writing it out, because that is, there's nothing more blaring than that, right, right, I'm sure David feels the same as he's gone back and looked at the song, right?
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: Right, his journals.
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: Boy, can you imagine those journals?
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Right.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: But I'm a little bit more aware of it because I catch people all the time being negative and I go whoa, whoa, whoa, we're not.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: No, that, that that is not true.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: Being aware of it, I think I'm not always aware of it.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: Like you said, it always comes out when I write, regardless, because I go okay, well, this was the stuff that happened today, and blah, blah, you know whatever self-pity anger, whatever it.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: Well, this was the stuff that happened today and blah, blah, you know whatever self-pity anger, whatever it was.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: But I think the Lord has quickened me enough to know now that I can catch it.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: Probably 50% of the time it's four knots to a hundred, but you know, you don't need to say those things out loud.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: And then, just going back to scripture, going back to knowing what he says about me and what he believes about me is, you know, the scripture says he says my thoughts are higher or your thoughts are higher.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: Well, I mean, yes, thank goodness, they're higher than mine, right, mine are dreadful and I am so grateful that your thoughts are way up here and you see all of it and you can come in and weave and fill and glue back together and seal up the broken cracks of all the trash talking I've done to myself over the years.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes definitely, definitely so.
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: Tony, if you were working with our listeners, what would you tell us?
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: Give us, like, a couple of ideas or homework.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: Give us homework.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: What are two things that you would do?
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: You're a teacher.
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: What are a couple things that we can do to start to change this?
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: Well, the first thing that I would suggest obviously because we both do it is to journal, journal after every, you know, the end of every day, the beginning of every day.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: However you do it, it works best for you.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: And again, remember, journaling doesn't have to be 15 pages.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: It can be four sentences, and I'm pretty sure everybody can write four to five sentences, right, of just what you need to do.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: But then the second thing that I would really suggest is that I would like I would turn on the, I would turn off the autopilot and I would just turn on the gauge in my brain to be aware, to listen to the things that you're telling yourself.
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: And it's more difficult than you think, but you have to start and I'm not asking you to be perfect at it, I'm just asking you to take the step.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: So, turn off the autopilot, turn on the gauge that says this is what I'm listening to, and then what do you do in that moment?
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: Do you jot it down so that you remember it, or do you go oh my gosh, I don't need to say that because that's not how God thinks of me and then you can back it up with scripture, and then you can rejournal that whole moment so you can start to see the change that you're working toward.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: And it's not going to be perfect, trust me, it's going to be.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Oh, I'm going to do good for three days and then I'm going to go on a rampage and beat myself up for five and not remember a word of it.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: But just start and don't be afraid to start of it.
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: But just start and don't be afraid to start it Like, yeah, those would be the two things I would highly suggest is just to start engaging in listening to the things coming out of your mouth toward yourself, or even in your brain.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: I have this free giveaway that I've created called the Sound of you, this free giveaway that I've created called the sound of you, and it's you taking the first 15 minutes of your day with no screen, no TV, no phone, no computer, and you just sitting listening to what your brain is telling you.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: What are your thoughts saying?
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: And just listen.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: And if they're negative, then go to scripture and combat those.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: That's the first step.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: So this is the first step in that process of learning to figure out who you are and what your thoughts are saying to you.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: That is so good, and where do they get that lead magnet?
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they can just go to tonythrashcom and it's at the bottom of the homepage and you can just stick your email in there and it'll be ready for download immediately.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: And there's like four or five steps in it, so it's not a one page document, it's probably eight or nine, maybe 10 pages that you can just work through at your leisure.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: You have to do it all today, but it's just some steps to help you get started on trying to hear yourself, not that is so good.
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: That is so good.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: And the other thing is, I would suggest just praying the word.
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: You know, and that's kind of my, that's my thing.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's my lead magnet is praying the word over yourself.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: There's nothing stronger than that, honestly.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: Yes, and if you don't know how to do that, you can go to wwwredeemed-identitycom, and there is a free booklet there that will teach you how to do that.
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: Well, that's so good to know.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: I'll put it in the show notes.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: The link will be in for both of our free things.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: We'll put them in the show notes.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: So, tony, would you pray us out?
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: I would be so happy to Thank you, us out.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: I would be so happy to Thank you, lord, jesus, you are awesome and great and fantastic and, lord, all of the things that sometimes we forget about ourselves because we don't talk very nicely to ourselves.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: But your word says that your thoughts are higher than ours and, god, I'm so grateful for that.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: I pray, father, that you would teach us one step, small step at a time, maybe even if it's a crawl, it doesn't matter that you teach us how to take your thoughts for us and implant those in, so that we start to see ourselves differently, appreciate ourselves differently, give ourselves grace and we'll just be more sensitive to the things that we yell out at ourselves.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: God, give us the awareness and actually the hearing to hear and go.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: Oh, wait, a minute.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: I shouldn't say that, but, god, you are the creator of all and I'm so grateful that you willingly show us where we need to change.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: And, lord, you've given us some brilliant things today to share and I pray, father, that, lord, if it just reaches one person today that needed to hear it, then, god, that you would just set that person free from the assault of their own words.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: Oh, yes, father, we love you and we're grateful and we give everything that we have to you this podcast, our lives, everything.
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: In Jesus' name we pray Jesus' name, amen.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: Thank you, my friend.
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: Thank you, it was fun.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: It's always fun with you, remember if you're struggling with negative self-talk and just beating yourself up over and over, Dana has a freebie on her website.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: It's in the show notes.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: That will help you combat that negative self-talk.
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: Please feel free to download those.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: I'll see you next time.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: There's still time left on the clock.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: Thank you.