Latest / Libido Lounge / Highly Sensitive People: Your Sensitivity Is a Sex Superpower with Rachel Dorneanu
Transcript
- 0:00I'm really excited just to chat about why being sensitive is sexy.
- 0:04Rachel Dornehanu is a licensed therapist, a certified sex therapist, and board certified
- 0:10coach specializing in anxiety, highly sensitive people, people pleasing, perfectionism, and sex
- 0:16therapy.
- 0:17She has a passion for helping people reconnect with their bodies, reducing shame, and finding
- 0:22freedom in their wellness journey.
- 0:25She holds a master's in counseling and brings over eight years of experience working with
- 0:30millennial women and moms.
- 0:32Through her work both as a therapist and a coach, Rachel integrates evidence based
- 0:37approaches with compassionate education to normalize topics often left in the dark such as
- 0:43pelvic pain, pleasure, and embodiment.
- 0:46She's known for her relatable down to earth style and her ability to make complex and
- 0:51uncomfortable topics accessible and affirming.
- 0:55There's about twenty percent of the world that's affected with having HSP.
- 0:59Smallest touch on your person might be like full fireworks for them.
- 1:04Come at it with a curiosity perspective rather than a judgy perspective.
- 1:08I feel really aroused when you whisper in my ear, and I need more of that to be able to be
- 1:18more aroused.
- 1:19Some people that are able I mean, truly so cool.
- 1:22They're able to basically have an orgasm just amuse it.
- 1:26How fucking cool is that?
- 1:28We had to be somewhat regulated to be able to have an orgasm.
- 1:33Hey, everybody.
- 1:35Welcome back to another episode of the lounge.
- 1:38I'm so excited to bring on Rachel because we're gonna talk about, as you heard in some of the
- 1:43teasers coming into this, about highly sensitive people, about perfectionism, about
- 1:49people pleasing, and what all of these things do to your bedroom and intimate life.
- 1:54I think this is a really interesting topic because so often in today's society we are in a
- 2:00situation where it's often thought of as like a a negative, you know, in many situations to be
- 2:07highly sensitive.
- 2:08I'm a highly sensitive person, so I relate to that really well.
- 2:11And one of the things we actually see medically with highly sensitive people is there's
- 2:15actually different ways their brain is becomes active.
- 2:19So for a highly sensitive person, it's very common that they'll have increase in activity
- 2:24in the part of the brain called the inula.
- 2:27What's really interesting when this part of the brain is increased is it actually increases the
- 2:31neural networks so that more meaning is made out of emotions or body language or sounds.
- 2:39There's this higher level of connectivity in this part of the brain which is actually has
- 2:44its own superpowers.
- 2:46It has its own magic to it.
- 2:49And so I wanted to bring on experts today.
- 2:52I wanted to bring Rachel on as an expert today really to help unpack all the negative,
- 2:58shameful things that I think we have in our society around being highly sensitive and
- 3:03around how you can work with that this in a positive way to bring more love, to bring more
- 3:08intimacy, and to bring more passion to yourself and to your bedroom life.
- 3:12So I'm so excited about this topic, especially since this is a topic near and dear to my
- 3:17heart.
- 3:18So thanks so much, Rachel.
- 3:19It's a pleasure to get to talk to you today.
- 3:21Yes.
- 3:22Thank you for having me.
- 3:23I'm really excited just to chat about why being sensitive is sexy.
- 3:27Yeah.
- 3:27And let's start there.
- 3:28So I love that because that's one of the first things I wanna deconstruct because like I said
- 3:32in the intro, it has such a negative connotation around like you're too sensitive.
- 3:37You're too much.
- 3:38Blah blah blah.
- 3:39I freaking hate that.
- 3:41I know.
- 3:42So let's just deconstruct that right now.
- 3:45And so whether you're listening as a highly sensitive person or if you're listening trying
- 3:50to understand your partner who maybe is a highly sensitive person, less work if you would
- 3:55on deconstructing that, talking about why it's sexy, and really helping us reframe what it
- 4:01means around being highly sensitive and how this can be a a tool and an asset to sex life
- 4:06and beyond.
- 4:07Mhmm.
- 4:08Absolutely.
- 4:09The things that I I think about with being sensitive, I mean, one, you've already set it
- 4:14up so well, that there's a huge connotation of, like, it's a horrible thing.
- 4:20Why why be even open to sharing that you're sensitive?
- 4:24And so the things that are actually fun, some fun little tidbits, if you will.
- 4:28One, I love the brain piece you already mentioned, so just, like, yay, a plus for that.
- 4:32But with that is that there's about twenty percent of the world that's affected with
- 4:36having HSP, the highly sensitive person trait.
- 4:40Doctor Elaine Aaron is the one that coined it.
- 4:42She's just a genius.
- 4:43If you wanna go creep on her site, I'm a big fan.
- 4:45But besides that, affects men and women equally.
- 4:49And past that, I mean, sensitivity can be of all of our senses.
- 4:54Right?
- 4:54And so it could be that maybe one person is really intense with touch.
- 4:59For me, it sounds.
- 5:01Sounds are just either really lovely, and I'd notice the tiniest little squeak or, like,
- 5:08tweak in the AC, or I'll, you know, be at a really loud concert.
- 5:12I'm like, oh, too much.
- 5:13I can't.
- 5:14So being aware that every sense and sensation that happens for a highly sensitive person
- 5:20might affect them differently than it might the person next to them.
- 5:23So being aware of that is important, but past that, being sensitive the reason why I said
- 5:28that sensitive is sexy is because when you're in the bedroom, when you're holding hands, when
- 5:36you're doing something that just feels lovely for you, pleasurable, exciting, is that you
- 5:43might feel it that much more.
- 5:45So, like, let's say that you're the person that is not sensitive.
- 5:48Just think, like, the smallest touch on your person might be, like, full fireworks for them.
- 5:54So one, yay you, but also yay for the person receiving that, right, that you know how to
- 5:59control your person.
- 6:00So I would encourage people to check-in with the highly sensitive people that they know,
- 6:06ideally, the romantic or the the intimate partners, but also even family members of,
- 6:11like, what are the things that make you tick, that are exciting, that are horrible?
- 6:16I just wanna understand it more.
- 6:17Come at it with a curiosity perspective rather than a judgy perspective.
- 6:21Because I know society comes at it from a judgy perspective.
- 6:24What would you like to pull from there?
- 6:26Yeah.
- 6:27I appreciate that so much because that that is part of the reframe I'm looking for because,
- 6:32you know, I know, like, for me growing up, was it was constantly like, you're too sensitive.
- 6:36You're too sensitive.
- 6:37You're too sensitive.
- 6:38And when we look at the brain changes like you're talking about it, there really is a
- 6:42different way brains are actually taking in and interpreting the information.
- 6:47So being sensitive means, okay, for you and your example, a noise like a concert, your
- 6:52brain is gonna register at such a heightened level of of input.
- 6:58And so, of course, it's gonna be sensitive.
- 7:00Like, if if somebody, like, with a not highly sensitive brain was outside and it was just,
- 7:06like, garbage trucks and all this chaos and it was like, you know, crazy decibels.
- 7:12Like, that's like analogous to a highly sensitive person maybe being at a concert.
- 7:16Right?
- 7:16Because it's like what is actually inputting in the brain.
- 7:20So I do appreciate that reframe on that and around like, okay.
- 7:23Well, this is how we can use this from a standpoint of sexiness.
- 7:28Like like, have you seen in guiding and, like, people that you work in, like, the therapy
- 7:33world as well as the coaching world since you dabble in not dabble.
- 7:36You are expert in both areas.
- 7:38But since you're in both areas, do you find that there's certain ways?
- 7:42Like, if if a highly sensitive person, let's say, like, in the example of of you where
- 7:47you're talking about it sound, is going to approach their partner and be like, hey.
- 7:51I'm trying to explain it.
- 7:53Like, do you find there's, like, a certain way that they should start or, like, or from the
- 7:58receiving end if you're trying to understand and be curious and your partner is saying like,
- 8:02yeah.
- 8:02I'm really, you know, these sounds are really bothering me.
- 8:05I feel like so much of the time there's gaslighting here.
- 8:08Oh, yeah.
- 8:09Right?
- 8:09Where it's like that's back to you're too much, you're too sensitive.
- 8:12Mhmm.
- 8:13So and I think sometimes when it doesn't make sense for somebody, it's easy for somebody to
- 8:18almost gaslight and invalidate.
- 8:20So from the standpoint of bringing this up and bringing up, okay, well, I'm sensitive and,
- 8:25like, maybe sex and intimate time, maybe it looks this way, maybe we touch this way, or
- 8:29maybe we use these different sounds that work for a HSP person, how can they like, is there a
- 8:36technique of how they can best advocate for themselves as well as a technique for their
- 8:42receiving partner to make sure that they are receiving the question and even if they don't
- 8:48understand it, providing some level of validation so that there's not gaslighting and
- 8:52shaming and people shut down.
- 8:54Can you walk us through kinda what that commerce Clay?
- 8:57Man, you got some good questions.
- 8:58This is fun.
- 8:59So, yeah, the things that I think about so for me, it's easier to talk about the receiver
- 9:04because I'm on the receiving end of the the HSP stuff.
- 9:08So the things that I think about is that being able to say, hey, this is where I'm coming
- 9:14from, using a lot of like I statements, and this is my experience, my point of view, rather
- 9:19than you did this and you made me mad.
- 9:21Let's not do that.
- 9:22It's I feel okay.
- 9:25An example I use with my couples all the time, I feel frazzled when we're late to a dinner
- 9:30reservation, and I need for us to be on time so I can be calm and enjoy our time together.
- 9:36So what what that said is, like, I feel emotion when this happens, and I need this.
- 9:43So it's not you don't need to be early to a dinner reservation to look at the drink menu
- 9:48for happy hour.
- 9:49That's a want.
- 9:50That's not a need.
- 9:51So keeping that in mind of, like, what is your core need of I need to be calm to enjoy quality
- 9:56time?
- 9:57So maybe when it's with intimacy, it's using those I statements and, like, that formula
- 10:01that's from the Gottman's, if you guys are aware of Gottman at the couples therapy, that
- 10:06with that, it's for a sexy moment.
- 10:09Let's say I feel really aroused when you whisper in my ear, and I need more of that to
- 10:18be able to be more aroused, to have more desirability, especially if you have responsive
- 10:23desire, to be able to get to climax.
- 10:25So being able to mention that and advocate for yourself with, like, that gentle whisper is
- 10:29great.
- 10:29Your actual, like, normal talking voice, especially because my my precious spouse is
- 10:35Latin and passionate, that he's a bit louder than me.
- 10:41And so I'll be like, babe, tone it down.
- 10:43I got it.
- 10:44I can hear you from across the room when you whisper.
- 10:46I got you.
- 10:47So being able to tone things down, advocate for what you want and need is beautiful.
- 10:53And then for the people that are on the non HSP side of things, the quote unquote, the normal,
- 10:59if you will, is that they What would be lovely, if I were on the receiving end of someone that
- 11:07was a non HSP asking me something, I would want them to say something of like, hey, can you
- 11:12tell me what it's like to be an HSP?
- 11:16What are the things that come up for you?
- 11:18What are the things that are really lovely and you experience it and some of the things that
- 11:22aren't so great about it?
- 11:23Just being curious, like a objective, curious scientist about it, having that perspective
- 11:28rather than why do you react that way?
- 11:30What happens here?
- 11:31Like, being judgy and gaslighting and all that stuff you already talked about, if there's a
- 11:35way to be curious and put on your little therapist hat for a minute or Sherlock Holmes,
- 11:39if that helps to make it a sexy moment, who knows, role play, that you can be like, tell me
- 11:44so I can better understand.
- 11:45I wanna know and understand you on a emotionally intimate level so that our physical
- 11:50intimacy can be that much better.
- 11:52Being curious and excited about it and being like, oh, okay.
- 11:55So when I mention this, then that means I could do that even better in the bedroom now or even
- 11:59better in our romantic relationship or around our kids or whatever it might be of modeling.
- 12:05That's what I tend to think about.
- 12:06If you want more, I got more.
- 12:08Okay.
- 12:09Yeah.
- 12:09Pause for one second.
- 12:10Thank you for pausing.
- 12:11Because and we'll come back to that in a moment.
- 12:13Because one of the things you're making me think about that it just comes up so much for
- 12:16me is there's I think a lot of what we do in the sex world, in the sex space, in the
- 12:22communication, and just, like, the romance and intimacy space, it's like what happens kinda in
- 12:26the bedroom or in the intimacy room is largely, like, a reflection, I think, of what happens
- 12:32outside of life.
- 12:33So it's like life feeds into the bedroom, the bedroom feeds into life.
- 12:36And so some of these skills you're talking about, like, yes, I think they're like they
- 12:40apply to the bedroom, but they also just kind of apply to life as, you know, as a whole
- 12:45around how do we actually want to, you know, talk and respond to each other.
- 12:51So where I I think we should go is just just kinda keeping track with, like, libido and
- 12:56intimacy Mhmm.
- 12:58Is I'm curious in your experience, like, the if you could go into more how this affects things
- 13:04like turn ons and turn off.
- 13:06So in my work, I have, five sex languages.
- 13:10I call them the libido codes.
- 13:12And they're all about, like, okay, the our DNA of how we essentially get turned on, turned
- 13:17off.
- 13:18And one of the types is the sensate, And so highly sensitive people would probably fall
- 13:23under this most commonly, and the sensate are the people that get so, they can be so moved by
- 13:30things of the five senses, but and they can all turned off.
- 13:33So, like, the sensei is going to do something in, the middle of sex where it's like, oh,
- 13:38intimacy started and all of a sudden she or he is gonna be like, I gotta change the music or
- 13:43the music's too loud or, you know, there's something that feels like almost interruptive
- 13:47oftentimes of sex because it's like, I can't focus on intimacy because that is actually
- 13:53overriding the intimacy.
- 13:55So I had to change that Bottom.
- 13:56So I
- 13:56can focus on that.
- 13:57Right?
- 13:58So what have you seen then as far as, like, turn ons and turn offs?
- 14:03Like, I know you, you know, you touched on it a little bit in the intro around, oh, they're,
- 14:07you know, more aware of these things, and they can maybe feel more if it's through, like, a
- 14:11kinesthetic type of highly sensitiveness.
- 14:15But what have you seen just like can you go into that a little bit more from Yeah.
- 14:19How a person like this would be turned on, how a person would be turned off, what things that
- 14:24we can do well or maybe poorly?
- 14:26Can you talk about that?
- 14:27I wanted to take a quick break from our podcast to say, did you know that arousal and desire
- 14:32are different for women and men?
- 14:35Many women think they are no longer interested in sex, for example, because they are waiting
- 14:41for their brain to think about having sex when they need to get into their body first.
- 14:47So often, think we are sexually incompatible or there's desire discrepancy simply because we do
- 14:54not know the differences in how men's and women's brains are programmed around sex and
- 15:01how to work them to our advantage.
- 15:03In addition, communication breakdown, busyness, habits, routines, boredom, lack of novelty, and
- 15:10so many things drive people to have passion less or less passionate long term relationships
- 15:19than they used to have.
- 15:21This is fixable.
- 15:23And I show you how to do all of this ad more in my hot monogamy society.
- 15:29You can find links in the show notes below.
- 15:32I hope you will join me to discover and explore how to bring passion back.
- 15:38And you can do this as a couple, but know that even if it is just one of you that is
- 15:44interested in joining us, there's so much magic that can happen, so much change and improvement
- 15:51by one person taking the initiative to bring passion back into the relationship.
- 15:57Now, let's get back to our episode.
- 15:59Some people that are able I mean, truly so cool.
- 16:03They're able to basically have an orgasm just to music.
- 16:07How fucking cool is that?
- 16:09Yeah.
- 16:09Like, you're The concert's all the time.
- 16:11Waves through your ears?
- 16:13Alright.
- 16:13Cool.
- 16:14Sign me up.
- 16:15But it's being able to to be in tune.
- 16:17And so I think there's an an important piece mindfulness in there as well of, like, hey, can
- 16:22I tune in to what's going on for me presently, or do I need to tune out something like the
- 16:29sound of the music that's throwing you off?
- 16:32That could be a piece as well.
- 16:35The things that I also think about with senses, the turn ons, I mean, it's definitely a touch
- 16:41thing.
- 16:42I mean, you're being intimate with some sort of sensation that's a physical sensation,
- 16:47hopefully.
- 16:49And so with that, it could be toys where the sensation could be really amazing, and they
- 16:55just need the smallest vibration to feel it.
- 16:58And then so sometimes I know with some of these toys I've been testing through gifting and
- 17:04partnerships and stuff like that has been some of those vibrations are too intense for me.
- 17:08And so I'd be like, woah.
- 17:10I just need, like, a level one, and that's plenty compared to some people need, like, a
- 17:14level 10 and, like, all of the different bits of a roller coaster.
- 17:17So I think about that piece of the the vibration, the things with music we talked
- 17:24about with sight, sometimes it could be too much to have all the visualize visual stimuli
- 17:32going on, so they'll put on a blindfold.
- 17:34And then if they're needing more, then they could have maybe really, like, moody lighting
- 17:39and soft fabrics nearby and that kinda thing.
- 17:43Sometimes it's a visual turn on.
- 17:45With sound, I mean, if you're into metal, cool.
- 17:48I'm not anymore.
- 17:50But if a metal playlist really gets you going, make sure you have a really solid playlist of
- 17:54music that is good for you and ideally your partner or partners as well.
- 17:59With touch, similar thing with, like, the visual.
- 18:02If you have, like, a really nice silky setup somewhere, be able to, like, reach over and
- 18:09touch that.
- 18:09Maybe that's your thing, or, like, a bearskin rug or anything like that can be really nice.
- 18:16What else?
- 18:17Hearing, we talked about.
- 18:19I have to go through this with my brain.
- 18:20I've got two littles, and it's the end of the day, and we're we're making it work.
- 18:25Let's see.
- 18:25Sight.
- 18:26Oh, smell.
- 18:28Some things to think about.
- 18:29Like, if there's a really nice, maybe a vanilla or leather or the smell of tobacco, sometimes
- 18:34that's, like, a sensual kind of moment for people, but I know a lot of HSPs that smell
- 18:40really throws them off.
- 18:41Like, if they walk into a perfumery, they're done for.
- 18:44They've got a huge headache, and they can't handle it.
- 18:46So being mindful of how many candles you have going.
- 18:50Don't have 50.
- 18:51Don't have an entire bouquet of roses right next to them.
- 18:54It might be too overpowering.
- 18:55So being able to check-in with the turn ons and turn offs with that person, but also make it
- 19:00fun for the person that's not HSP of like, hey.
- 19:03I wanna know your sensitivities too.
- 19:05There might be some moments that you're not HSP, but you could be really hardcore in one of
- 19:09those small facets of it that we need to check-in on.
- 19:14Thoughts there?
- 19:15Yeah.
- 19:15It just just beautiful.
- 19:17I love it.
- 19:17Were you asking thoughts for me or you were, like, emulating, like, thoughts for the other
- 19:21Both.
- 19:22I would love to hear from you because you said you're in HSP as well.
- 19:25Yeah.
- 19:26And and sound is certainly a big one for me.
- 19:28Sound is that I am the person that will interrupt sex to be like, song's not right.
- 19:33Song's overpowering.
- 19:34Like, I can't concentrate.
- 19:35Change it now.
- 19:37Change it now.
- 19:37And, you know, and I do have I actually have on Spotify.
- 19:40You can find, like, my libido lounge playlist, and I have a name as, like, the one's name's
- 19:45sensual, the other name's raw, another one is dark feminine, and so I create these playlists
- 19:50for myself, and it's like, oh, this is my turn on vibe, and it's like there's times where I'm
- 19:55like, that is not so it's not even just about, like, the playlist.
- 19:59It's around, like, as a highly sensitive auditory person.
- 20:03It is a it is a scenario where it's like, I could be turned on by this playlist one day
- 20:10just because that's, like, the the zone and the mood I am in versus, like, a different day,
- 20:15it's gonna be a completely different sound.
- 20:18So and, you know, and it was like it's like, it's training we have to do for each other.
- 20:23Like, initially, our partner's always been kind about it, but initially, was just like, what is
- 20:27this when we would start making out and I would have to, like, stop and go change something in
- 20:32the scene.
- 20:34And now he, you know, he just, like, doesn't even think twice about it because now he
- 20:37understands so much.
- 20:38Like, oh, yeah.
- 20:39Just give her a minute.
- 20:40Like like, she just needs a you know, she'll be right back.
- 20:42Just give her ten seconds, and she'll be back.
- 20:44She's
- 20:44Fix that.
- 20:45The tone.
- 20:45Exactly.
- 20:46Exactly.
- 20:47But there is, you know, point being there is, like, a level of training that I think we have
- 20:51to do for, you know, for each other in these scenarios to just make sure that nobody is,
- 20:57like, making up a story where there's no story.
- 21:00Right?
- 21:00Right.
- 21:01Right.
- 21:02No.
- 21:02I love that.
- 21:03Something that I think is really important to cover at some point, whether it's now or a bit
- 21:08later, is talking about nervous system regulation and being able to know where you are
- 21:13in that window of tolerance, of hypoarousal, hyperarousal, and have you calm and be present
- 21:19again.
- 21:20Yeah.
- 21:20I think let's talk about that next.
- 21:22Before we do, I just wanna mention a couple of my sponsors that I think would be really good
- 21:25to talk about here and then let's get into kind of the nervous system regulation and if you're
- 21:31too stimulated or not stimulated enough and how to help your partner through these these ranges
- 21:36and how to recognize it because I think a lot of times we can be on either side of nervous
- 21:41system, you know, dysregulation or imbalance, I like to say better, where it's like, ugh, like,
- 21:46how do we bring our nervous system?
- 21:47How do we rub ourselves up?
- 21:49How do we calm ourselves?
- 21:50And both are very important.
- 21:51So let's talk about that in a moment.
- 21:53I do wanna mention that I do think for highly sensitive people, a really good toy to consider
- 21:58is something like the lioness.
- 22:00Because I love this vibrator because it's data tracking for your orgasms where your partner
- 22:05can see it as well.
- 22:06So you can actually see your arousal scale.
- 22:09You can see your orgasms like the Fitbit and like all of our step trackers.
- 22:14One of the things we see with the data tracking devices for orgasms is that when we track them,
- 22:19they get better in quantity and quality.
- 22:21So as you're like getting aroused and you're seeing this go up on your app on your phone or
- 22:26your partner seeing it, you can also experiment with like, oh, how does this change your
- 22:31arousal as a highly sensitive person if you bring in this touch or this sound or this smell
- 22:36or anything, you know, like that.
- 22:38So that's a really fun toy I want people to know of.
- 22:41And then one of my favorite partner toys on the market, the Lexus.
- 22:45You'll find this as well on my website, and this is like the female part that goes around
- 22:49the clitoris.
- 22:50And then the male part that goes around the cock as a cock ring and this has a magnet on
- 22:55it.
- 22:55So as the male gets closer to the female counterpart, she actually gets more clitoral
- 23:01vibration with his thrusting.
- 23:03So that's another thing that you can play with so many tempos and speeds, and this is all also
- 23:08be able to be controlled through an app on your phone.
- 23:11So it's another way too you can experiment with like, okay, well, how much vibration and what
- 23:16type of vibration and and really be communicating with exploring some of the
- 23:21sensitivity in a really positive way.
- 23:23So you'll find both of those just so you know, everybody on, below the video with discount
- 23:28codes.
- 23:29But now back to our topic at hand.
- 23:32So tell me if you would about like your process on recognizing this neuro hyperstimulation
- 23:37versus hypo and what do we do about it?
- 23:40Sure.
- 23:41Yeah.
- 23:41So the things that I think about are there's something called the window of tolerance.
- 23:45If you guys have covered that at some point, please let me know so I don't just ramble
- 23:49forever.
- 23:50But
- 23:51I would love for you to we have talked about some level of that,
- 23:54but I would love for
- 23:55you to cover it just because I think it's been a while, and that way we're getting everybody
- 23:58on the same page.
- 23:59Yeah.
- 24:00Let's do it.
- 24:00So the window of tolerance is when we might feel open, safe, curious, open to exploring
- 24:06things as a somewhat, quote, unquote, normal experience of being in the window of tolerance.
- 24:11And then there's hyperarousal.
- 24:13That's more of when you might feel anxious, irritable, trouble with sleep and digestion.
- 24:18It's more of that fight or flight response.
- 24:20And then there's hypoarousal, which is below the window, and that's when you might feel kind
- 24:25of depressed, isolated, withdrawn.
- 24:27Again, trouble with sleep and digestion, but it's more of the freeze response.
- 24:32So when that said, it's helpful to if anything, I do this with my clients all the time.
- 24:37I feel like that's kind of session one zero one is what's a window of tolerance?
- 24:41Where do you tend to operate?
- 24:43Let's start doing some tracking and patterns to notice your nervous system.
- 24:47Do you tend to operate in fight or flight in hyperarousal or in freeze, which is more of
- 24:52hypoarousal?
- 24:53Notice those moments.
- 24:54And so if you're more intense during the day and then you crash in the evening, let's find a
- 24:59way to not live in a stressed out moment, but also being able to notice, okay, if I'm in
- 25:04hypoarousal, what can I do to gently rev myself back into the window or from hyper to slowly
- 25:10calm back before crashing?
- 25:12So I think all of that's really important to know.
- 25:15Also, which is just fascinating, that the window of tolerance can get that much smaller
- 25:20if there's chronic stressors.
- 25:22You're in the sandwich generation.
- 25:24You're dealing with, oh my gosh, a million different things going on, menopause,
- 25:30andropause, any of these things going on that can really affect you, and I think that's
- 25:34important to be aware of first.
- 25:37But regarding intimacy, if where I wanna segue into this, is that the, if you're in
- 25:42hyperarousal, and things are really thrown off, like, I know you mentioned, Diane, that when
- 25:46you get into really intense sound, that you need to go in and to change something.
- 25:50Some things that I would suggest, not necessarily for you because I'm not your
- 25:55therapist, but for anybody that has a sound thing, or any kind of hyperarousal going on in
- 26:01general, is to have a way to just calm and settle yourself, and calm your nervous system
- 26:06before you even try and get sexy.
- 26:08Because if we're already stressed out, we're like, okay, I'm stressed, and go.
- 26:12That is like, oh, we have to be somewhat regulated to be able to have an orgasm, to have
- 26:17an erection.
- 26:18I literally was talking about this an hour ago with a client.
- 26:21But I think it's really important to know those things and know your body to be able to tune
- 26:26in, whether that's through like a gentle meditation, not right before, we don't wanna
- 26:31fall asleep, but just something to calm and do some deep breathing, to do, like, some gentle
- 26:38stretching, mental visualization, something that that feels good.
- 26:43Yeah.
- 26:43I really appreciate that advice, and I do think, you know, it's like one of these things
- 26:46where we see that stress for some people can be a huge amount of breaks for them.
- 26:52There's other people that, of course, it can be an accelerator for, but I think more than not,
- 26:56people do have the break.
- 26:58So I hear a lot of what you're saying is, like, a lot of body awareness, a lot of just being
- 27:02awareness even before you are intimate around, like, just, like, starting a practice where
- 27:07it's like, oh, we're getting ready for sexy time.
- 27:10Maybe I'm gonna first, like, go to the bathroom, take a few deep breaths, and check-in
- 27:14with myself around where am I at, what do I need, what am I you know, am I calm?
- 27:18Do I need to do some stress resiliency works?
- 27:21Or do I need to even, like, chat with my partner around where I'm at so that maybe we
- 27:26enter the sexual practice differently?
- 27:28Maybe we start with sensual massage.
- 27:30Maybe we're, like, not just, like, jumping into it right away depending upon what our needs
- 27:34are.
- 27:34Right?
- 27:35Absolutely.
- 27:36Yeah.
- 27:36I I think there's also a piece that for people that have been together for a while, there
- 27:42might be a sense of a a routine of, okay.
- 27:45We show up.
- 27:46We take off our clothes.
- 27:47We get it done in five minutes before the kids wake up.
- 27:49Right?
- 27:49Like, maybe that's your routine.
- 27:51At some point, sometimes that's cool.
- 27:54If that's all the time you got, okay, but hopefully, there's ways to have a bit of
- 27:57novelty, something new, something to spice things up.
- 28:00That would be helpful.
- 28:02That helps with the desire and arousal, but being able to, like you said, communicate with
- 28:08a partner is so, so needed.
- 28:10Like, hey, I am overstimulated.
- 28:13It's too much.
- 28:15Can you massage my back for a minute?
- 28:16Or can we do some, like, really cute co regulation of where we stare at each other and
- 28:20use some, like, eye gazing moments and whatever works for you guys is important.
- 28:26I love it.
- 28:26And I wanna talk about some of the downstream effects that often happen with highly sensitive
- 28:32people, which are things like perfectionism and people pleasing and these things that
- 28:38oftentimes I think happen when we don't know ourselves, like, and that we're highly
- 28:42sensitive or that we just don't know how to effectively advocate, know, for ourselves.
- 28:47So we're gonna talk about that in part two, everybody.
- 28:50So make sure you go below this video to check out how to get access to part two.
- 28:55Before we go on to part two though, I do wanna make sure that everybody knows how to get ahold
- 29:00of you.
- 29:00I know you have a great freebie about getting introduced to sex therapy.
- 29:05So if you can tell us about your freebie and how do people get ahold of you, and we'll of
- 29:09course have all of your information, everybody, of all of Rachel's information below this video
- 29:14as always.
- 29:15Lovely.
- 29:15Yeah.
- 29:16So the the freebie, you're able to access just on our main
- 29:19sagecounselingtherapyandwellness.com website.
- 29:23That is the longest URL ever.
- 29:25If I can find a way to make it shorter, I will.
- 29:27But with that said, it's a way to just anything ask the questions that you would wanna ask a
- 29:35sex therapist, and you're just like, where do I even begin?
- 29:38It's there in that guide.
- 29:39It's pretty lengthy for a freebie, so you're welcome.
- 29:43But also, why not get a chance to just get some, like, tips and tricks from a sex
- 29:48therapist, and it's free.
- 29:49All you gotta do is just pop your email in there, and you're set.
- 29:52Then in terms of way to reach me, oh my gosh, I think every platform, humanly possible, is with
- 29:57Sage Counseling and Wellness, or you can just type in my name, Rachel Doranianu, and we can
- 30:04go from there, whether it's for therapy or for coaching.
- 30:06Amazing.
- 30:07And I know you do work with clients all over the world, so you're very location independent
- 30:13that way.
- 30:14And we'll have all of these links, like I said, everybody below the video for you to just click
- 30:18and make it easy so you don't have to memorize anything.
- 30:20You'll see the links for the products I mentioned as well in below the show notes, as
- 30:25well as coupon codes for those.
- 30:27And make sure you do go to the link below as well to learn about how to access part two of
- 30:34our conversation because the people pleasing perfectionism thing is just so such a common
- 30:40thing that unfortunately, it's just another area where there's so much taboo around,
- 30:43there's so much stigma, and really these are there's a lot of steps we can take to have a
- 30:49better sex life and advocate for ourselves and have a stronger intimacy with our self and our
- 30:55partner despite knowing something.
- 30:57So that's what we're talking about next.
- 30:59Make sure you do subscribe so you don't miss any future content, and I'll see you all again
- 31:03real soon.
- 31:07Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
- 31:09Please don't keep me a secret.
- 31:10Please share this with your friends.
- 31:12You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.