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Episode 101: Why You Keep Choosing What You Hate · Heal Yourself Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Heal Yourself Podcast, where we dive deep into all things healing.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Kira, a traditional naturopath and functional nutritionist.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm Denise, a speech-linked pathologist and a self-love coach for adults and teens.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: And we are here to guide you through the transformative process of healing your body, mind, and soul.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Which means we're not staying in one lane.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: One episode we're diving deep from the clinical, the gut, the nervous system collabs.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: And the next we're unpacking identity, frequency, fate, whatever story we're realizing we've been attached to that week.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because your body was never separate from the rest of you.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: The gut, the nervous system, the story you carry about who you are.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's all one conversation.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Think of it less like a polished podcast and more like sitting in on a conversation between two besties who happen to also be obsessed with healing.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: So pull up a seat, no spiritual bypassing, no toxic posity, just the truth about what it actually takes to come home to yourself.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Your body already knows the way.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go remember it together.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Today, Denise and I are talking about how we fight for what we don't want.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Which sounds kind of funny, but it is true.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna say all of us.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm gonna make a bold statement.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Not many of us, but all of us do this at times.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: We say we don't want something, but in reality, we keep choosing the thing or the things that keep us stuck.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: And by doing that, we keep finding more evidence.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to use the word attract because people misinterpret that and say, So you're telling me that I want this?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, subconsciously, you do, just me too.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm talking when I say you, it's also I I refer to myself as well.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: So you find more evidence, right?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of saying you're attracted to you, it just continuously shows up in your experiences in your day-to-day life.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: And so, yeah.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'll give I'll give myself as an example because we've talked about this on the podcast several times of like, okay, one of my goals was to slow down in life, um, homeschooling my son, cutting back on work hours because of just doing so much.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing I keep saying I want more time and more space, but I keep saying yes to more and more things, right?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like there is that disconnect consciously.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like when you say it out loud, I'm like, yes, I love more of this time to do other things, but really subconsciously, I need this proof that I matter in the world, right?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like I need to bring in more money to show my husband that I'm whatever.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, who knows?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even, I haven't uncovered all of these stories that run through the background, but that is what I mean.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's a prime example of we say we want something, but we're basically doing the opposite.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: We're fighting for what we don't want.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Correct.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Or someone saying, for example, I choose peace, but continuously making choices or decisions that don't align with the peace.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: So you are creating the chaos.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that this goes back to what we've always said.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: The subconscious prioritizes what's familiar, right?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna prioritize what's beneficial, unfortunately.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's just not how our body works.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and familiar is what's safety, so it's outside of that familiar piece, so it's not gonna feel good.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: So your subconscious is always going back to that, right?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: We're just going back to what's familiar.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing I'm gonna say, we mentioned this, I think it was last week on the podcast too, and I'm gonna say it again.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: There is a payoff, right?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's control, that's what it is for me.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there can be something else, right?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like there is always some sort of payoff for us choosing to stay stuck in this pattern.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and that goes back into the addiction, right?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: You are addicted to that, like the notifications, right?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: So it feels good to see those notifications, right?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: It feels good to matter, it feels good to be busy, it feels good to be, you know, running around and doing so many things.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: It be why does it feel good?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's familiar.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, why is it really, really feeling good?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: Not really, because it's emotionally draining you.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it's also gonna be, I'm not gonna say a challenge, but it can be more difficult to figure out what that is, right?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, sure, you can look at what you keep doing, even though you say you want something, right?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like for me, okay, I keep saying I want more free time, but I keep saying yes to all these new obligations, or like you, um, your example was I want more peace, but I keep choosing things that bring more chaos.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, like, why do I keep doing this?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because then we get into shame, we get into self-blame, like we get into the analysis.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: We do, but in reality, we want that curiosity piece and start asking, what is this protecting me from?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why am I staying here?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because there is that benefit, and that benefit is usually some sort of protection, right?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: For me, control, it makes me feel like I'm contributing.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, you're protecting me from that.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, thank you, subconscious, thank you, whatever I need to thank.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay, like I'm willing to move past that now, right?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: But it also requires practice.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: So none of these concepts that we're talking to you about is something that just happens, or oh, I had this aha moment and great.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: It requires daily practice, and not just daily, it requires moment by moment practice until it becomes the familiar, right?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: So a lot of the concepts sometimes, like even you know what you mentioned, Kira, about like even asking the different questions, sometimes we get into our head, and I get that it is difficult.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's the concept is simple, right?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's not you know too complex, but there's a difference between the concept being simple and applying it, and I get it that applying it can be very, very difficult, especially if you are in a difficult season of your life, and this is where we go back to that one percent.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Fine.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: 80% of the day or 95% of the day, I chose chaos.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Where's that one percent shift that I can do today?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Or and then that leads again to the two percent, etc.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: So, but it always requires practice.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: It does, and it can be I I love how you said that because it's like even looking at me, it's like, okay, I said yes to a client over the weekend, and I I like I say it out loud, I'm like, I told myself I would never do that.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: These are my work hours.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: You go to the doctor's office, you can't be like, oh, I see you're closed in these hours.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Can I make an appointment?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: But for some reason, I allow it and I told myself no more, and I allowed it again.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I saw someone yesterday.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, okay, there's that awareness, and it's like I noticed it after the fact.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, why did I do that?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: So now moving forward, that 1%, right?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, next time I'm gonna tell somebody these are my hours.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or next time when my husband is like, hey, can we just sit and talk after dinner instead of me getting up and immediately washing dishes and packing lunch for the next day?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I will sit there.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: So it is that moment by moment, day by day, like constantly reflecting.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And there are gonna be times that you don't do it, and that's okay.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: You give yourself grace, but then you move forward, right?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: It is that the next moment.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you move forward to the next moment.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, for example, I think yesterday, I don't know, I caught myself because I I analyze a lot, and it is part of my job, right?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: It is part of my job.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like I've been doing this for years, I analyze.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: I need to know why this and why this and how can we fix it, et cetera, right?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: So it's great for my job, for what I do as a speech language pathologist, but as a person, it it drains me.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: So, what I've sometimes when I get into the whole analysis and questioning and the stories, what really helps me is like yesterday, I think I was driving.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh, pay attention to the trees.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Look at the trees, look, this is red and this is green, you know, as I was driving, you know, like, oh, those are green trees, and this is like, oh, it has a little bit of red.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: So bringing yourself to the mindfulness, or for example, if you're noticing like your uh it could be something like you know, when you're washing your hands, just kind of feeling the water, looking at the water, uh, you know, feeding the soap, just kind of like, oh, this soap feels good.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: So kind of like taking that mind off and then focusing these subtle moments.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: So if you are more intentional in when you are making coffee, like, oh, look, I'm opening the Nespresso thing and I'm putting the pot.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so, right, you're also training your brain to be more mindful throughout the day, then be more subconscious, or I'm I'm sorry, more unconscious when you are intentional with those simple moments.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, the smaller things are what are gonna add up, right?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just like that awareness.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: We can't change the behavior without the awareness.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening to this and you're like, I have no idea what you're talking about, we'll create the where the awareness.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: What do you not have in your life?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And where are you not making the best choices that are gonna get you to that point, right?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: All the things we talk about on the podcast.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm also gonna say this is where identity shifts, or this is where identity comes in, right?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what if you don't have to be the one that lives in chaos?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: What if you don't have to be the one that does more than everyone else?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: What if you don't have to be whatever, right?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to answer that, but pondering it, right?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: We start with awareness, we have that one percent shift, we start to shift that identity, which is part of that one percent, and we give ourselves grace between that space.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, and then create this small rituals that are, for example, I'm gonna give you a few of them that have worked for me, and those can be your simple moments and they take less than a minute.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: So one of them could be just throughout the day, just choose one moment where you are just pick one thing you're grateful for and be grateful for that for 20 seconds or 30 seconds, right?
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: And number two could be the um choose one moment, whether it's brushing your teeth, making coffee, and then just be mindful for that activity.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, like feel the toothbrush, feel that.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: So just choose moments because you gotta be intentional for us to be more conscious and get out of the analysis and the chaos and whatever else we need to achieve, we gotta create those simple moments.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: So one gratitude moment for 20 seconds, choosing one activity throughout the day to just really feel it, you know, whether it's making coffee, making your lunch, washing the dishes, whatever it is.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: And what I would say is also remember, I think my therapist told me that about the emotions.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: Instead of dwelling with the emotions, when you get an emotion, sit with it for only 60 seconds, name it and let it pass.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you let it pass for six, if it will pass eventually within 60 seconds, it's the thoughts that keep it going.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: So choose another moment in the day where you're feeling whether it is anger, sadness, frustration, whatever it is, take those 60 seconds, sit on the floor or go outside and just name it.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I feel the anger, I'm gonna feel it go through me, and then just 60 seconds, and it's gonna go, whereas it will prevent the stories from happening, right?
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: Letting it move instead of allowing it to stay with you throughout the day, which ties into our emotion episode quite nicely.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, yeah.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because it does, it's the it's the um, it's the stories that keep them alive.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: It is, it is not the actual emotion itself will go will pass.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: It is, it's always the story, and here's the thing sometimes when I'm talking to people, like I want to shake them and I can't, right?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like I see it in myself, and I can absolutely call myself out.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: It is harder to call other people out, but I'm like, if you are still struggling with the same thing over and over and over, there is something in you fighting for that same thing you say you want to get rid of or you want to draw in, whatever it might be.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: I just I can't shake you guys through the podcast, but I want you to understand like we all do this.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: We are all fighting and holding on so freaking strong for what we say we don't want.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: So look in the mirror, have that awareness, get create not creative, but um curious about it, right?
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Loosen the grip, loosen the grip.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: I love that you said that one, how you're holding too too long for it, just loosen the grip, want it less instead of gripping too much for it, want it a little bit less, a little bit less, a little bit less.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because this is all about practice, because we're so practical here, because I know all of these concepts are just like, what the heck are you guys talking about?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, but at the end of the day, it it can be done, and but it requires so much, and that's why, like, when we're bringing up these, like you're like, okay, Denise, what does it gratitude have to do anything with it, or like feeling the emotion, or you know, feeling myself make some coffee?
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: Well, because these are the moments that are gonna create the awareness, these are the moments that are increase your consciousness and decrease your unconsciousness where you are able to loosen the grip on the things that you don't want.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and that's I mean, aren't we all here for a better life?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: We want happiness, we want health, we want to learn lessons.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, maybe some don't, but that's what we should want, right?
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: So we say this.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: We came to evolve.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: We did, and that that is our hope that everybody listening to this podcast wants to evolve.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's the goal, right?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't come here to stay stagnant, so work on these things, come with us on this journey.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and join us in our craziness.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: Join us in our conversations because you and I are learning all the time, and we're choosing differently, and we're messing up, and we're choosing differently, and we're messing up again, and we're choosing differently.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so it's it is okay.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: It is okay.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: All right, do you have a mantra for us?
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: So we can do four, four, six.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Shoot.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't ponder this one.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's safe to let go of the things I don't want.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's safe to let go of the things I don't want.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: Alrighty.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: As usual, close your eyes if you're not driving, keep them open if you are.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna do four, four, six.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: Or inhaling.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: Two three four, holding for four, three, two, one, exhaling for six, five, four, three, two, one, and save to let go of the things I do one.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: Again, inhaling for four, two, three, four, hold, two, three, four, release.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: Five, four, three, two, one, and save to let go.