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it was never all or nothing — how to ruin a meal and mean it · insyed; cozy psychology

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  Welcome back to INSyed, the show where every
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  week I tell a short story that brings real psychology
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  research closer to the life you're actually living.
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  Like a diary that did its homework, let's take
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  a peek INSyed. I had everything I needed in front
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  of me, all the ingredients and seasonings I could
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  ever ask for. But somehow, the first time I tried
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  making a dish that I now love... I genuinely
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  couldn't tell if what I made was even food. I
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  thought I'd wing it. As someone who considers
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  themselves crafty and creative, I think to myself,
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  how hard could it be? But as I look into my pot
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  of boiling water with my noodles inside, I feel
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  unease. Like I've done something horribly wrong.
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  Turns out, I did. That pot of boiling water shouldn't
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  have been boiling. So as my noodles start to
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  simmer and cook, It just doesn't stop. I can
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  sense that something is wrong because noodles
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  aren't supposed to bubble like that. I strain
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  it to try and wring the water out, but it just
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  ends up mushy. I somehow turn these noodles into
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  porridge. I look at my colander of gray matter
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  and feel defeated, like I want to give up ever
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  trying to make it again. The sense of loss hurt
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  me more than I care to admit. Although it may
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  have just been a small mishap, I'd given it so
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  much meaning that if what I was dealing with
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  was a grain of sand, I would have seen it as
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  a mountain. I wanted to make this meal to remind
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  myself of home away from home. The aroma of the
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  Blachan, the spiciness of the dry chilies. I
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  could only eat bread and eggs for so long. But
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  I never really learned how to cook until I had
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  to live on my own as a master student, which
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  made this simple mistake seem even heavier. Like
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  if I couldn't do something as simple as cook
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  a meal, What are the chances that I was going
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  to make it here, hundreds of kilometers away
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  from home, all alone? I didn't know what it was
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  then, but I do now. I'd fallen into a cognitive
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  distortion, a way of thinking that biases our
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  thoughts, pushing us to think and behave in a
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  way that hurts us all. I'd fallen into an all
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  or nothing mentality, sometimes referred to as
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  black or white thinking. This mentality is among
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  the most common. And you'll most often find this
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  way of thinking in perfectionists, to see things
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  as absolutes, either good or bad, valuable or
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  worthless, success or failure. I'd fallen to
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  think in a way that separates the possibility
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  of growth from my actions, where because I messed
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  one thing up, I can point it to everything else
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  about me. And as I stood over that colander,
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  I believed every word of it. And I might have
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  stayed there, if not for the kindness of the
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  people around me. I'm grateful for I wasn't alone.
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  Through some emotional support, I could recognize
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  what had happened to me. I realized that I had
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  become a victim of my own making, all in my head,
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  all within my control. And through that recognition,
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  I understood that just because I failed once
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  didn't mean that I couldn't try again. Telling
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  myself I could try again felt as if I gained
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  a new pair of wings, a chance for me to if not
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  fly, but glide instead of falling. or a post
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  in a duel I put forth upon myself. It isn't all
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  or nothing. It's everything that we are, including
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  our failures and successes. And as with everything
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  we do, even in being ourselves, there is a learning
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  curve. And to be able to make something, you
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  have to first use something else. The all or
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  nothing mentality assumes that the things we
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  lose are simply worthless. But even the universe
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  disagrees. In its own language, Physics teaches
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  us that energy cannot be made or destroyed, that
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  something cannot be made out of nothing. Whether
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  if it's our time, energy, or a pack of store
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  -bought noodles, something must be spent for
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  another to form. Things will and are meant to
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  change. My noodles weren't destroyed into nothing,
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  they turned into knowledge, a memory of what
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  trying again looks like. You can't make an omelet
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  without cracking some eggs, and you can't make
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  noodles without ruining a pack first. Although
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  the results on the latter may vary. And that
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  brings us to the end of this week's INSyed.
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  Thank you for spending your time here, and I
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  hope you learned something helpful today. And
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  if you did, the best way you can support is to
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  tell a friend about this show. You can also subscribe
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  to the show wherever you listen. And if you have
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  the time, leaving a review or sending a message
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  genuinely keeps me going. I read and enjoy every
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  message I get. But until then... Remember that
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  there's always more INSyed.