Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Midlife Crises In Women

Transcript

Midlife Crises In Women · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
0:07
Psych mom show, today, I'm going to be talking about midlife
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crises and women, and this was obviously, I've addressed
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midlife crises in general. I talked about this in a recent
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episode, but guys are always interested to hear about how
0:23
their wives are uniquely experiencing aging.
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As the terrifying thing of men's existence, is that women aged
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not that they give a shit about the body's changing as women
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think. But that the woman is not gonna
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want to have sex, right? I mean, you obviously understand
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that if you're a listener that this is a major problem that
0:42
many men face is that they still have sex drive, their wife
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doesn't and our culture fetishizes monogamy those
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cynical, we have a monogamous culture but anyway and I like
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monogamy, like don't get me wrong, We're not gonna be fine,
0:58
but it used to be very different in this regard.
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You know, if somebody wanted a separate life, If a woman didn't
1:05
want to have sex anymore then there was understood that wasn't
1:08
a marriage anymore and so he did what he wanted on the side and
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that was that and that seems to be more practical for my
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perspective. And I think from anybody's
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perspective such as if you're a woman who likes to play, tennis
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the guy stops liking to play tennis.
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Well, you're not going to go into your grave, never playing
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tennis again. You're going to find another
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partner, but apparently, you know, it's not thought like that
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with sex. So, whatever I guess, I could
1:32
explore. I already explored polyamory and
1:34
and Earlier episode, but whatever.
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I mean, it's not like people are just going to start doing that
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because I say so like going and finding another tennis partner
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as it were so I still have to make episodes like this for the
1:44
foreseeable future. Okay?
1:46
So midlife crises in women and by the way you should subscribe
1:50
because the next one is going to be about.
1:53
I realized some men were having a logic error.
1:56
They were assuming that all women have responsive desire.
1:59
If they don't have spontaneous desire, that's wrong.
2:02
Maybe I misspoke somewhere around the line.
2:04
There's someone I've no desire and this relates to the
2:08
question. Are you done yet?
2:10
So if a woman says, are you done yet in bed?
2:12
There are many things to be taken from that many, many
2:17
learning opportunities in that sentence and I will explore them
2:20
all with you in the next sub, scribe or episode, which is
2:23
going to come out tomorrow and is something titled responsive
2:26
desire. Are you done yet?
2:27
Whatever. Anyway, back to midlife crises.
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So how does the midlife crisis look and women versus men?
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Well well, women's estrogen goes down, you can refer back to
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female biology across the lifespan, as well as how women's
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bodies and brains change in their 40s to podcast episodes,
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as well as I discuss it in posts and estrogen drops.
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They no longer give a shit. That's the caretaking hormone.
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They think you could make your own fucking dinner and take care
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of yourself honestly, because she's done enough of caretaking
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through her lifespan, and if you can kind of roll with this
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change, then you're going to be in a lot better place because
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quite honestly, you know, how to Your own dinner.
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And to you, it's really just a symbolically means that, oh, my
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wife doesn't give a shit about me, which I understand is bad,
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but it's not like she fully doesn't give a shit about you.
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You've just really taken a back burner.
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Yes, I know that's funny cuz you say, you've been in the back
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burner since the children were born.
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But now there's another oven, there's another stove, she
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bought, and it's situated behind the first stove, and now you're
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on the back burner of the back stove once she goes through
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starts, you know, being In her 40s and 50s.
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So what does she instead think about?
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She thinks frequently about the entire meaning of her life and
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whether it's been too devoted to the children, that's a big one,
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especially because around this time, the children are in their
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worst phase of being teenagers and their nasty to talk to.
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And they don't really like to talk.
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They don't like to hang out periodically.
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They say something, extremely hurtful to add to the fun and
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so, your wife, who has given her entire life to the children, I
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don't care if she worked there, she didn't work her mental life
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was completely devoted to the children.
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Either way she feels that they are ungrateful and was this
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really everything. She had those Shining Moments
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with young children. Now, they're replaced by these
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people who barely speak and sometimes there are nasty to
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boot and then she starts to feel bad.
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Even if she has a relationship, that's wonderful with your
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teenagers then it's even worse because they're going to leave
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the house and then it's still she gets that feeling what?
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It was all of this for because it used to be, by the way,
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evolutionarily that by the time that the woman was done having
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her own babies her oldest child was having babies, so she was
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kind of always in caretaking mode.
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And then there's really no big philosophical things to worry
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her. Cuz like it's all the same life,
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you know, like there's no big period where your entire life
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was devoted to caretaking when your kids leave the house, and
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then in for in some situations you're never really going to be
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that involved with any Kids that they do have, they may not even
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have them. And either way it's going to be
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a good 10 years if not more, until they do because times have
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changed so dramatically, you know, and people have children
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later and later they move away, Etc, we have fewer children, all
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of these things. So now she, she has to kind of
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reckon with what is her life going to be about without the
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children around. And so what is she frequently?
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Go to Career? You know, career is a big one,
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going back to school. And figuring out the meaning of
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her life. Now, there's some women that do
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not want to do this, if they want to do this, then you're
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kind of been a good situation, because you could be very
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helpful, you could be supportive, you could be
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practically financially supportive, you could be
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instrumentally, supportive, and you could be emotionally
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supportive. So good people change and grow,
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as I've discussed numerous times, it should not be have to
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be that. I tell you that you know that's
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thing to observe and the environment people change and
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grow and age. And this is a way this is an
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Adaptive way for your I have to deal with the fact that she
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doesn't have kids in the house or potentially will not have
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kids in the house anymore and even if your kids are in
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elementary school, she could go through a midlife crisis because
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she their away more. They have just more activities,
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they're not as dependent and she could see the writing on the
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wall is that she can't make her whole life about them because
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that's going to be a Fool's errand because then you know,
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they grow and they're growing every minute.
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So and anyway so her estrogen goes down her realization that
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the kids Cannot be her reason for living goes up.
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This means frequently, she's going to reimagine, many things.
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Career is a big one. Sometimes spiritually like
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religious, why she changes sometimes she focuses on the
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marriage and how much the marriage sucks and it isn't
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fulfilling and whatever. Whatever there are some
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situations where a woman will become so depressed.
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That she is remiss, remembering everything and rewriting
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history. And but in the majority of
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cases, as I've said, numerous times there Are in fact, true
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empathic ruptures that happened in the past and, you know, and
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she just never wanted to address them because she's confident
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confrontation sensitive or because she was pushing
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everything under the rug to make it a nice life while they were
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young children. But remember if there's not
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going to be young children any more than she doesn't feel as
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tied to you particularly, if there are these massive
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ruptures. So the midlife crisis frequently
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manifest as her wanting to work deeply on the relationship.
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Or not being the relationship anymore.
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And this is a period where she starts to say, you know what,
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I'm going to live my life for myself and not just for the
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children and not just for a husband and this is a very good
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time to get into therapy. If you can get out ahead of this
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and say, I want to change and grow also and I want to have the
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best marriage we can have and I want to get into couples
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counseling. This is a good time to do it
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when it's not really a good time in the 50s and after then she's
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kind of done, it's all jump, the shark, then the kids are fully
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out of the house. You don't want to sit down with
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you on a couple scouts or she doesn't really give a shit.
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There's no reason because what what family are you keeping
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together both men and women can find working on the family unit
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to keep it intact family to be a very big motivator, but once the
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kids have truly left, then it's, you know, it's not as much of a
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thing, what else can be in the mid life crisis?
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Well, the woman's looks are changing.
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So if she was a very attractive woman who was very Tied
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emotionally to the identity of being a very attractive woman.
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Then, you know, it all kind of jumps the shark and your 40s.
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You could keep it go in a little bit.
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So, there are some female equivalents of the guys that I
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see much more frequently, who insist to me, that they're in
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the best shape of their lives, and very well may be, but they
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do still die, you know, as everybody does.
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But they just don't want to reckon with that, they're
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kicking, the can down the road with the supplements, with the
9:01
testosterone, with the lifting, with the running, with the all
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of Stuff. I see that a lot more with guys
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whose bodies have not suffered the vicissitudes of childbirth
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or the drop in estrogen. So it's easier for them than for
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women to kick it up to the same level, but there are women.
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You know, I work with a lot of wealthy people, so their people
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have lots of resources, infinite resources.
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So, the women have a hormone cocktail to, and they have the
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gym and they have the personal trainer, and then they got the
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other personal trainer and they have all this shit, right?
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So they could keep it going, but they see the writing on the
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wall. All and that's why by the way
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just as a brief tangent that's why it's so good not to make
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like everything about your kids looks and not to make like looks
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like a super huge part of your family values.
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You know because if like especially of a daughter and she
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thinks like her whole worth is being like cute.
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This isn't to say you can't say you're so beautiful, you're so
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pretty. But like if that's the number
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one thing which most parents don't do nowadays but still just
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as an aside this may have happened to your wife to that
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from Time. She was little, everything was
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about her being so pretty, so pretty.
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So pretty well, yeah, then what happens when you lose that
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because the most wonderfully worked out you know hair done
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expensive-looking, woman still isn't 25, right.
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And that's just if you've had everything about being the
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hottest girl in the room, you can't be a hottest girl in the
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room. When you're 45 years old you
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just can't, you know, unless you know, like Sophia Loren.
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I don't even know. So if everything was about,
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Being hot for your wife then you got to have some real deep
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empathy how that shit is changing, you know like it's
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really changing and you just can't can't get the same
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attention and if a lot of your life and you know this is more
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relevant for women. Again that are you know that
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that had an identity that was very much predicated on their
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looks may even if made money with their looks not enough, not
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in a bad way but like you know, any woman who had any history of
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modeling or like a even honestly Farm Suitable sales.
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You know, like that the the occupations that are predicated
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on being good looking, so she's going to be upset, you know,
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it's all, it's all. It seems so ephemeral.
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It seems fleeting in retrospect and a good book that I recently
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read God. I don't remember the title, but
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was by Lisa tateo, the same woman that wrote that book that
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I told you about three women. Well, she has a short stories
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and I recently read it and it really does a good job of Of
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getting into the mind of Aging women, this is like her favorite
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thing to write about. It seems who no longer feel as
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attractive and a grappling. With that existential crisis of
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no longer being the woman, were everybody's heads turn when you
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walk into the room. That's like a really big deal
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for a lot of women and men. Don't notice it because they
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still think they're wife is so beautiful and she may still be
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beautiful, but she does not feel young and beautiful with all of
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the power that goes along with that.
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Of course, there's bad things that go along.
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That to such as unwanted attention etcetera.
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But you know, it's a big change. It's a big change when it goes
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away. So this is a big one that men do
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not fully understand. Another thing is, waiting
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fertility, if being fertile was part of your self-conception as
12:20
a woman and then you're noticing that your Cycles are getting
12:23
shorter and you are having perimenopausal symptoms.
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You know, that, that's a big part of your identity.
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You may not have wanted another baby, but the idea that you
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would find Find it very hard to have one.
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I may not be able to have one anymore.
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Is going to be a big deal for women.
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So a lot of times it does happen.
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This is not just a TV. I've seen this on TV like 20
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times where like a woman in her 40s.
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Starts skips her period you know?
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Because your Cycles get a regular as you age because you
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don't ovulate every cycle. And so she takes a pregnancy
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test thinking she's pregnant. I but instead when she goes to
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the doctor, the doctor says actually you're still in the
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early stages of menopause. Pause and then she has like a,
13:06
you know, a midlife crisis. Pretty much just what this is
13:09
about this episode and what you may not remember anymore,
13:13
because I'm talking about so many things.
13:14
But yeah. So that is the waning fertility.
13:17
Your looks changing, the entire caretaker role changing.
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All of this stuff is like, super important.
13:24
And it's stuff that Mendel really think about because they
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don't usually predicate themselves on being like a hot
13:30
fertile caretaker like every. That's like that, like not a
13:33
male. So, Of conception, it's just
13:35
not. And so, you got to think about
13:38
these things. And then, of course, what does
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happen listen, most women don't cheat.
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They really don't. I've told you over and over 13
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percent of women, 20 percent of men.
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So more men cheat and not a lot of people cheat in America, but
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if a woman's gonna cheat, you know, sometimes it happens
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around now because she wants to feel alive again.
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She wants to feel her old sense of feeling like she could get a
14:03
guy that she's super Tractive that somebody's really into her,
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she's frequently depressed at this age, you know, biologically
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as well and you get a dopamine Rush of a new interest, it
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doesn't even have to be a physical Affair frequently.
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It's an emotional affair but this is something I see around.
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This timeline. Is women start flirting or they
14:23
start to talk to somebody or something like that women that
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otherwise never would have thought about being unfaithful.
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So that is also something that happened it's not frequent but
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it can happen. And and also another thing that
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happens too, is that the women as they change, and as they
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grow, they may decide that they want like a whole different
14:43
life. I've seen this one too.
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And again with more financial resources, this is more
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possible. Doesn't just not just a
14:50
different job but like a whole different life but now they want
14:53
to travel or now they want to live abroad or now they want to
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like work fully in like you know philanthropy or they want to
15:00
like you know you know try Able to Africa and help out, you
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know, the the children or whatever, like some big
15:07
humanitarian thing. This is a big thing that I see
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two and this is a whole like basically like a self concept
15:14
changes. A lot from I am a mother of
15:17
young children to. I am going to help the world.
15:19
So there was a quote, there's a book about menopause, flash
15:22
count, diary by Darcy, Steinke, and there was a quote in it
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because she talks, there's lots of quotes.
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So it's a lots of analogies with like menopause and other
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species. It's Good book.
15:33
Sometimes it, you know, it meanders through the daisies but
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anyway, the point was, there was some quote that I don't
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remember, exactly. But it was as a woman ages, her
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her ears turned from the cries of her children to the cries of
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the world, right? So she, instead, she takes her
15:53
caretaking efforts if she doesn't have grandchildren,
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which many don't, or even still if they do.
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But most women will focus on their own grandchildren, but if
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they don't have any there's this whole time Time as I've just
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said between, you know, when your kids are out of the house
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and when you have grandkids, now a days which there didn't used
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to be. And so many women will get
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really involved with church with synagogue, with humanitarian
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efforts that are secular with politics with whatever they want
16:18
to help the world. This is another one where if the
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guy is still interested in his old stuff like making money and
16:25
playing golf, then she's going to find him to be shallow and
16:30
hard to understand. So this would be another thing
16:32
too. Chabad, productively in couples
16:34
counseling, if you get there. So these are kind of the ways
16:38
that a female midlife crisis differs, and it's interesting to
16:41
think about stuff that you knew already from this and stuff.
16:44
You did in stuff, you think applies to your wife and stuff
16:46
that you don't. Now, remember, most women aren't
16:48
going to like be like, hey, I'm having like, a massive
16:51
existential discomfort because a lot of my identity was centered
16:54
around being sexually viable. And when I went into Walmart,
16:58
the other day, I didn't get looked at by any guy under the
17:01
age of 45. It was extremely disconcerting,
17:04
like, you know, she's not going to say that but you can tell by
17:07
like the avidity with which she is like following people on
17:11
Tik-Tok who are like, you know, promoting youth serums and shit.
17:14
You know, or if she's brought a plastic surgery or if she's
17:17
looking at herself, frowningly in the mirror all the time, you
17:20
know, like you could tell and a lot of times guys, very, very
17:25
much underestimate how much this looks change and loss of Youth
17:31
and loss of Attractive to men outside.
17:35
You know, in the universe paradoxically that can lead to
17:39
an affair that a woman never would have had as a younger
17:41
woman when she felt that she had.
17:43
So many options, a surfeit of options and now as you're going
17:47
out in the world and fewer, men are looking some women start to
17:50
miss it. Despite having said how terrible
17:52
it was before and this is something that again, they're
17:56
not going to verbalize because they may not verbalize much and
17:59
or they may think that it's yellow or that you would take it
18:02
a shallow. So, This is one to think about,
18:04
and can you help many men would say, can I help?
18:06
I tell her how beautiful she is. It's nice but it's not the same
18:10
thing. It's just really not the same
18:12
thing as it wouldn't be for you. Yeah, it's great.
18:14
If your wife, you know, like things that you're handsome, but
18:18
if like some random ass woman stopped you and said you were
18:20
handsome, you know, you would get a different thrill from that
18:23
and it's no different for a woman obviously.
18:27
All right, well, I hope you got a lot out of this.
18:29
Please do subscribe. You'll like the next episode on
18:31
responsive desire. Versus zero desire and I'll talk
18:34
to y'all later.