Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #852 Stop and Smell the Flowers

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#852 Stop and Smell the Flowers · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for.
0:07
Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 1: Now, goody, this stops. Justin Colson, welcome to the Happy
0:12
Speaker 1: Families Podcast. Thank you so much for choosing to listen
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Speaker 1: to us and making this one of the most popular
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Speaker 1: parenting podcasts on the planet. We have another listener question
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Speaker 1: to talk about, and it starts so nicely. Hi, doctor,
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Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie. So I'd like to start by saying,
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Speaker 1: I'm fully committed to totally binging your podcast at the moment,
0:29
Speaker 1: went all the way back to episode one and have
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Speaker 1: been listening to it all from the beginning. I'm obsessed. Kylie,
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Speaker 1: I don't know that we actually need to even answered
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Speaker 1: this question. Surely after listening to something like seven hundred episodes,
0:40
Speaker 1: if you're not a parenting expert by now, I don't
0:42
Speaker 1: know if.
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Speaker 2: She's gone back to number one. She hasn't even got
0:44
Speaker 2: to me.
0:44
Speaker 1: She has heard the expert. Hey, it'd be really interesting
0:48
Speaker 1: to go back to those early podcasts of yours when
0:50
Speaker 1: you're just beginning. We should do that and do a replay.
0:53
Speaker 1: Compare then and now it's been three years.
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Speaker 2: That's scary.
0:57
Speaker 1: Let's move on with the requests from our from Pauline,
1:01
Speaker 1: who says, listening to your podcast, I have been more
1:04
Speaker 1: intentional with my family and couldn't help. But notice we
1:08
Speaker 1: have unknowingly caused our four year old son to stress.
1:13
Speaker 1: We have had a few issues in the past with
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Speaker 1: emotional regulation, but it has been brought back to our
1:19
Speaker 1: attention by his preschool. He rushes through coloring in and
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Speaker 1: tracing tasks. He's on edge and often ends up being
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Speaker 1: physical with other kids. As I'm reflecting on our parenting
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Speaker 1: with my son leaving the preschool, after a little chat
1:33
Speaker 1: with a teacher at pickup, I'll often say to him,
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Speaker 1: let's see who can get to the gate first, And
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Speaker 1: in that instant I realized what I'd done. I've instilled
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Speaker 1: in him the need to move along fast at everything.
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Speaker 1: Everything was a competition, rushed or on a time limit.
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Speaker 1: We had used races and time limits to get him
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Speaker 1: through tasks for as long as we can remember. Let's
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Speaker 1: see how fast you can put your shoes on, who
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Speaker 1: can get to the gate first. Let's time how long
2:00
Speaker 1: it takes to get in the shower, and see if
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Speaker 1: we can do it faster than yesterday. Are just a
2:04
Speaker 1: few examples, or to encourage him to get tasks done
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Speaker 1: without realizing how this could potentially impact him. We would
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Speaker 1: lean on this approach every time we had any pushback
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Speaker 1: from him with the task, innocently trying to make the
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Speaker 1: task fun or appealing to him. When he engages in
2:20
Speaker 1: independent play, he's very focused. He can sit patiently in
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Speaker 1: group times and other activities. There are no concerns about
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Speaker 1: learning difficulties. We do, however, notice tasks and competitive play
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Speaker 1: can become problematic. He righteous tweet so he can be
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Speaker 1: the first one on the play equipment, needs to make
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Speaker 1: everything a race or a competition. He gets his flood
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Speaker 1: of excitement and expresses it physically with his friends and
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Speaker 1: often takes it too far. Pauline finally says, we have
2:43
Speaker 1: implemented some breathing techniques, incorporating squeezing pillows or plush toys
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Speaker 1: when he feels the need to use his body to
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Speaker 1: express excitement. We want him to not hurt his friends.
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Speaker 1: What I would love to know is have we created
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Speaker 1: an over competitive child and if so, how do we
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Speaker 1: undo this habit that we've instilled or is it something
3:00
Speaker 1: that requires more support from an occupational therapist. Maybe so
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Speaker 1: Kylie Paulina has a question, she has a problem. She's
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Speaker 1: realizing this is an SOS. Yeah, maybe we're pushing a
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Speaker 1: little bit help too fast. The first thing that I
3:12
Speaker 1: need to emphasize is that for an issue like this,
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Speaker 1: we do not need at this point an occupational therapist.
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Speaker 1: Occupational therapists do really important work, they do great work,
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Speaker 1: but in this instance, with a child who's four years old,
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Speaker 1: who's really competitive, using their body a little bit too
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Speaker 1: much and is used to being rushed, this isn't an
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Speaker 1: ot issue. This is something that we can easily resolve
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Speaker 1: in the family. And I think the next.
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Speaker 2: Thing is Mum, stop feeling so guilty. You can feel
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Speaker 2: the weight on her shoulders because she feels like she's
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Speaker 2: done the wrong thing. What she's like, what she has
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Speaker 2: been intentional about, is making things fun. And that's such
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Speaker 2: a beautiful thing to be able to do as a parent.
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Speaker 2: Everything doesn't have to be serious and boring.
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Speaker 1: I want to come back to that in a sec
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Speaker 1: but I really just want to sit for a moment
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Speaker 1: on your first point. I think there's a lot of
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Speaker 1: wisdom here when we realize that we've done something that
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Speaker 1: isn't necessarily in our kids' best interests. Sometimes we feel
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Speaker 1: so much guilt and so much anxiety that we either
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Speaker 1: overcorrect or we kind of get stuck and paralyzed as
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Speaker 1: we try to analyze what we've done and Okay, well
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Speaker 1: where do I go next? What am I supposed to do?
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Speaker 1: And I just want to emphasize what you've said and
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Speaker 1: highlight this isn't an emergency. This isn't a cause to
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Speaker 1: doubt yourself, feel guilty, or think that the world is
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Speaker 1: crashing in nor is it a need that there's no
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Speaker 1: need to bring in outside help. We can work on
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Speaker 1: this in really healthy, productive ways. And I love your
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Speaker 1: second point. I love this second point that much of this,
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Speaker 1: let's be honest, much of pauline As email is about
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Speaker 1: we are trying to get things done expediently. We're trying
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Speaker 1: to get things done efficiently. We just need our four
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Speaker 1: year old to listen, two year old.
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Speaker 2: Three year old four They don't do anything fast. Usually
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Speaker 2: their goal is to look at every conceivable perspective.
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Speaker 1: I remember one day around the room we're leaving swimming lessons,
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Speaker 1: and one of our kids was walking beside me. I've
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Speaker 1: got a photo of this on my phone. As we
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Speaker 1: were walking out of the swimming lessons. She stopped because
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Speaker 1: she was three years old and there were some flowers
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Speaker 1: beside the footpath moving from the swimming lessons to the
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Speaker 1: car park, and she was putting her nose her face
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Speaker 1: into the flowers. She was trying to smell these flowers.
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Speaker 1: And I literally said, without thinking, it was not like
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Speaker 1: I was trying to be cheeky and smart, which is
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Speaker 1: unusual for me. Normally I am trying to be cheeky
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Speaker 1: and smart. But I literally looked at her and said,
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Speaker 1: we don't have time for you to stop and smell
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Speaker 1: those flowers. And as I said it, I realized as
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Speaker 1: it was coming out of my mouth what I was saying,
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Speaker 1: and that's when I stopped and took a photo of
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Speaker 1: it as a reminder for me that, oh, my goodness,
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Speaker 1: kids are exploring the world, and we've got a bit
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Speaker 1: of a challenge here because while kids are designed to
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Speaker 1: explore and slow down and smell the flowers, boys have
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Speaker 1: been shown for decades now, we've known this. Boys do
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Speaker 1: respond to competitive prompts and impulses a lot more than
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Speaker 1: girls do. And so what's happened with Paulina's experience with
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Speaker 1: her son is we're in a hurry. I need to
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Speaker 1: be efficient. I know that you want to do things
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Speaker 1: your way, but let's turn it into a competition. And
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Speaker 1: that pervasive pattern has actually started to restructure the way
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Speaker 1: he approaches all of these other tasks. But it's normal
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Speaker 1: and natural for boys to be competitive, and it's also
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Speaker 1: normal and natural for parents to be saying hurry up.
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Speaker 1: I guess my point here though, is to a childlove
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Speaker 1: is spelt time.
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Speaker 2: But it's also normal for a four year old to
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Speaker 2: struggle with his emotional regulation.
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Speaker 1: And to use his body way too much in unhelpful ways.
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Speaker 2: To expect that he wouldn't is counterintuitive to childhood and
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Speaker 2: growing up.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, so we've actually got a perfect confluence of factors
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Speaker 1: in terms of Mum needing stuff done, and a little
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Speaker 1: boy who wants to please mum, wants to use his body,
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Speaker 1: wants to be active, love competition. It's the perfect recipe
7:02
Speaker 1: for where we are with this email. But there's a
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Speaker 1: whole lot of things that we can do. And I
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Speaker 1: think that now that we've talked about the developmental reality,
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Speaker 1: the gender reality, and the life reality of having to
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Speaker 1: get stuff done, I think we should talk about some
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Speaker 1: solutions to help Paulina in terms of finding those solutions. Kylie,
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Speaker 1: while I've got the PhD in psychology, your background and
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Speaker 1: your training is in early childcare, and we're talking about
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Speaker 1: a four year old. This is your wheelhouse. I really
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Speaker 1: want to hand this to you and hear your ideas
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Speaker 1: about how we can maintain the fun, build the relationship,
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Speaker 1: but slow life down a little bit for this four
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Speaker 1: year old who is getting maybe a little bit over competitive.
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Speaker 2: I just love that she's she's already got everything she
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Speaker 2: needs right there. She understands and recognizes that sometimes for
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Speaker 2: a four year old, life can be pretty boring. So
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Speaker 2: let's make this fun, but we can change it up.
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Speaker 2: It doesn't always have to be competitive, and it doesn't
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Speaker 2: always have to have such a rushed feel to it.
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Speaker 2: So on the times when we have the capacity, let's
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Speaker 2: see if we can walk as slow as a snail.
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Speaker 2: Can you inch like a caterpillar all the way to
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Speaker 2: the dining table?
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Speaker 3: You know?
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Speaker 2: Are you gonna like flutter like gently flutter all the
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Speaker 2: way to bed tonight, jump like a kangaroo. If you've
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Speaker 2: got the space and the energy, like you can literally
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Speaker 2: take what she's doing, but just change it up. It
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Speaker 2: doesn't always have to be fast. Find ways that you
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Speaker 2: can interact with him in such a way that it's
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Speaker 2: still fun and he's still going to get the job done,
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Speaker 2: but recognizing and understanding that everything doesn't have to be
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Speaker 2: done at cheatasbed.
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Speaker 1: What you're doing here, Kylie, is you're suggesting that Paulina
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Speaker 1: engages more in relationship and with a four year old.
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Speaker 1: I mean, this works so well. Any child under about
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Speaker 1: five or six, you can do this comfortably with and
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Speaker 1: they're not going to care what anyone else thinks. They
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Speaker 1: will actually get on the ground and slide like a caterpillar.
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Speaker 1: They get to be the child. They still get to
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Speaker 1: expend their energy and have fun, but they're doing it
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Speaker 1: in creative ways, and they're literally slowing it down. I
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Speaker 1: feel like we need to just replace something that Chris
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Speaker 1: and Philippa, our slow parents, had to say when they
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Speaker 1: were on parental guidance over the last couple of weeks.
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Speaker 1: I mean, they've really died this y slow hearing for.
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Speaker 2: Us is just being really intentional about getting rid of
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Speaker 2: the craziness in our schedule.
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Speaker 3: Some muddy pimes. I think one of the best parts
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Speaker 3: is allowing them to enjoy their childhood and learn and play,
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Speaker 3: rather than instructing them constantly from school and then after
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Speaker 3: school activities.
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Speaker 2: One of the comments that came out of the show
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Speaker 2: in relation to the slow prayerents was maybe they weren't
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Speaker 2: setting their kids up for real life because life is intense.
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Speaker 1: So much do Yeah, we can't always live in slow motion.
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Speaker 2: And I found that so counter to what they were
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Speaker 2: actually literally watching. Here are two adults who've been so
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Speaker 2: intentional about going against the grain and slowing things down
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Speaker 2: on purpose. Yes, and they're doing it. So this idea
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Speaker 2: that we have to stay in the rat race and
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Speaker 2: that our kids are just going to have to come
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Speaker 2: along with us is actually not true. We can do this.
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Speaker 2: It's all about prioritizing and working out what is important
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Speaker 2: to us as a family, and helping our kids to
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Speaker 2: slow down long term is going to make such a
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Speaker 2: difference to their well being.
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Speaker 1: I feel like this is actually a conversation that you
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Speaker 1: and I need to have maybe about how fast place
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Speaker 1: you live life. We need to as parents model it
10:33
Speaker 1: is all. I was going to say, model it, model it,
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Speaker 1: model it. You know what. I'm working on this. We're
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Speaker 1: having more afternoon adventures and anyway, this is not about me,
10:40
Speaker 1: this is about Paulina. But what I would also suggest
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Speaker 1: Paulina is another way that you can slow it down
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Speaker 1: is instead of saying we need to hurry up and
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Speaker 1: do this, I'm going to race you to the gate.
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Speaker 1: Sometimes when we just explain the why, our children will
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Speaker 1: get on board and are quite happy to be compliant
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Speaker 1: and reasonably efficient in those moments where it's necessary for
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Speaker 1: efficiency to happen. There's something powerful about explaining your reason
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Speaker 1: for why it's time to get in the car. Or
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Speaker 1: better yet, because sometimes four year odds don't really care
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Speaker 1: about your reasons. Sometimes it's good to ask them if
11:16
Speaker 1: they can think of three reasons that we need to
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Speaker 1: go and get in the car in the next two minutes,
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Speaker 1: like get them to come up with the rationale, because
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Speaker 1: when they're explaining why, oh, we need to go home
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Speaker 1: so we can have dinner, or we need to go
11:27
Speaker 1: home so we can see dad, or we need to
11:28
Speaker 1: go home so that we can whatever. When they're giving
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Speaker 1: you the reasons, they're much more likely to be compliant,
11:34
Speaker 1: like they'd be like, oh, yeah, actually, I'm buying into
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Speaker 1: this now. These are my reasons, not my parents' reasons.
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Speaker 1: So I would focus on rationales and especially helping your
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Speaker 1: little guy to identify for himself what those reasons are.
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Speaker 2: One last point from me in relation to helping us
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Speaker 2: to slow things down, routine is so important. If we
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Speaker 2: have routine, then we actually have the capacity to see
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Speaker 2: where there's rigal room to slow things down, and that
12:00
Speaker 2: provides us with the structure and the framework to create
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Speaker 2: the space we need. And one of the things that
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Speaker 2: we can do that works really really well with kids
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Speaker 2: to help slow that down is to introduce transitions into
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Speaker 2: that routine and structure. So, if we know that the
12:18
Speaker 2: kids have got to go to bed in the next
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Speaker 2: half an hour, what is an activity that we could
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Speaker 2: do that transitions them from I guess, the dinner table
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Speaker 2: to the bedroom. Once we work out what that is
12:29
Speaker 2: in this instance, it might be we're going to go
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Speaker 2: brush our teeth and then we're going to read a story.
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Speaker 2: We're going to calm everything down. Storytime becomes the transition
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Speaker 2: from active movement at the dinner table to sleeping time
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Speaker 2: in bed. You can do that throughout your day in
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Speaker 2: every scenario, and if your child is used to the
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Speaker 2: routine and structure, it's familiar to them that transition activity
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Speaker 2: actually helps them to calm down into the next activity
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Speaker 2: much easier than telling them I've got to go in
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Speaker 2: two minutes.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, The transition is so vital to making this work,
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Speaker 1: and that kind of plays in with the rationale idea.
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Speaker 1: I want to go on a tangent you mentioned before,
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Speaker 1: wriggle room or did you say wiggle room? Because when
13:15
Speaker 1: you said it, I wondered if we're talking like, is
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Speaker 1: there a difference between wriggle room and wiggle room?
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Speaker 2: Are you giving me a hard time?
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Speaker 1: No?
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Speaker 2: No, I don't even know what I said.
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Speaker 1: Well you said wiggle or wriggle. I can't remember what
13:27
Speaker 1: it was, and JR. Can probably tell us.
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Speaker 2: If we have routine, then we actually have the capacity
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Speaker 2: to see where there's wriggle room to slow things down.
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Speaker 1: Regardless, as you were talking about transitions, it made me
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Speaker 1: think is there a difference between wriggling and wiggling? And
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Speaker 1: so I googled it. When you wriggle, your twist turnal
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Speaker 1: bend as you move. When you wiggle, you make more
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Speaker 1: of a back and forth motion. So my question is
13:50
Speaker 1: is it wiggle room or wriggle room? It's okay, my
13:54
Speaker 1: last point. I'm so sorry, Pauline, I just I just
13:56
Speaker 1: had to ask it. I mean, my brain goes to
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Speaker 1: these places. I want to emphasize that it's okay to
14:02
Speaker 1: do the things that you're doing.
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Speaker 2: It's just not every time.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just about making sure that this is not
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Speaker 1: a recurring pattern.
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Speaker 2: There is a time to do things fast. There is
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Speaker 2: a time to kind of, you know, get out the
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Speaker 2: door quickly, but we need to save that tactic for
14:18
Speaker 2: those times when it's needed.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, and minimizing it is definitely going to be advantageous
14:23
Speaker 1: is essentially the main point that I wanted to make.
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Speaker 1: Just keep doing what you're doing, though, slow things down,
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Speaker 1: those breathing techniques, the squeezing the pillows, the activities that
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Speaker 1: Kyle has mentioned at the beginning of this conversation in
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Speaker 1: terms of can you walk as slow as a snail,
14:39
Speaker 1: allowing kim me your dinner like a sloth, allowing him
14:43
Speaker 1: to stop and smell the flowers. Literally, those kinds of
14:47
Speaker 1: things will help you to overtime undo this pattern. But
14:50
Speaker 1: remember it's taken a couple of years for this pattern
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Speaker 1: to be created, so you're not going to undo a
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Speaker 1: pattern like this in a couple of days, weeks, or
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Speaker 1: even months. This is going to be a long term
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Speaker 1: process as you are intentional about the way that you're
15:03
Speaker 1: raising your kids. I really hope that there's been a
15:05
Speaker 1: helpful Q and A for you. Thank you so much
15:07
Speaker 1: for your email, Pauline at podcasts at happy families dot
15:10
Speaker 1: com dot you. That's podcasts with an s at happy
15:13
Speaker 1: families dot com dot au. And thank you to Justin
15:16
Speaker 1: rule On, our producer, for making us sound good and
15:20
Speaker 1: removing take two and take three and take four from
15:23
Speaker 1: everything that we do is we try to fluff our
15:26
Speaker 1: way through these podcasts. Also a big thank you to
15:28
Speaker 1: Craig Brewce, our executive producer. And if you'd like more
15:31
Speaker 1: information about making your family happier, visit happy families dot
15:33
Speaker 1: com dot you or our Facebook page. Dr Justin Colson's
15:36
Speaker 1: Happy Families