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Flip The Script: Make Your Avoidant OBSESSED With You · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  So you want to make your avoidant obsessed with you.
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  You want them to constantly think about you, wonder about
• 0:14
  you, text you, chase you, afraid to lose you.
• 0:18
  OK, but first I want to make something clear.
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  There's no magic formula that guarantees an avoidant will
• 0:26
  become obsessed with you. Some avoidance are deeply
• 0:29
  emotionally unavailable and unwilling to change.
• 0:33
  But there are certain dynamics that consistently make avoidance
• 0:38
  lean in harder, and most people accidentally do the opposite.
• 0:44
  And the biggest mistake that people make with avoidance is
• 0:46
  thinking that loving them harder will make them feel safer and
• 0:51
  closer to you. No, usually it does the
• 0:55
  opposite. The more pressure they feel, the
• 0:58
  more they pull away. And I know that's frustrating
• 1:01
  because when someone pulls away emotionally your instinct is
• 1:04
  usually to do more, especially if you have an anxious
• 1:07
  attachment style. That would be more texting,
• 1:09
  explaining emotional conversations, reassurance,
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  trying to fix the relationship. No, with avoidance that creates
• 1:18
  the exact dynamic that kills attraction because avoidance are
• 1:22
  very sensitive to feeling emotionally pressured or
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  controlled or engulfed or responsible for someone else's
• 1:31
  emotional stability. The more pressure they feel, the
• 1:35
  more distance they crave. So let's talk about what
• 1:38
  actually creates obsession in an avoidant.
• 1:42
  But first, if you're new here, hi, my name is Lucia.
• 1:45
  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
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  you get your ex back, avoidant or not, or to get over your ex.
• 1:51
  And if you're not you, you're part of my no contact army and
• 1:56
  welcome back. It's good to have you.
• 1:58
  OK, let's get right into it. So the first thing would be to
• 2:02
  stop over pursuing you. Stop being the one always
• 2:07
  initiating, always fixing, always checking in, always
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  carrying the emotional weight of the relationship.
• 2:14
  Because when someone never has to wonder about losing you, they
• 2:19
  stop valuing access to you. And a lot of the people make the
• 2:25
  mistake of becoming emotionally over available to avoidance.
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  They answer instantly, they over explain, they constantly
• 2:35
  reassure, they tolerate inconsistency because they're
• 2:39
  afraid of losing the person. But ironically, that's what
• 2:44
  makes the avoidance feel even less urgency.
• 2:47
  So stop doing that. Second, you stop rewarding bread
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  crumbs. Now.
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  This is huge with avoidance. A lot of avoidance want
• 2:59
  emotional access to you without showing up consistently, as I'm
• 3:04
  sure you know that. So they'll send little texts,
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  watch your stories like your photos, send vague messages,
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  reach out usually late at night, say they miss you without
• 3:16
  actually changing anything, and people respond immediately by
• 3:21
  giving the avoidant full emotional access right away.
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  That destroys the tension. If someone disappears for two
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  weeks and comes back with hey stranger and you instantly melt
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  emotionally, nothing is ever going to change.
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  The avoidant learns that they can disappear, give minimal
• 3:43
  effort, and still keep complete access to you.
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  You become their little doormat. So if you want help with that, I
• 3:53
  do offer private coaching and you can contact me at
• 3:57
  theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
• 4:01
  They are not on the website and the direct link to that is
• 4:03
  underneath every single video and podcast episode. 3rd you
• 4:09
  rebuild your own life. Avoidance are very attracted to
• 4:14
  people who feel emotionally self-contained.
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  What does that mean? That means people with
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  confidence, momentum, purpose, direction, a life, a full life
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  outside the relationship. The more your emotional world
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  revolves around the avoidant, the heavier the relationship
• 4:33
  starts feeling to them. But when your energy shifts back
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  towards your own life, something changes.
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  Now they start feeling your absence instead of your pursuit.
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  And this leads into something that almost every avoidance
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  reacts to strongly Authentic unavailability.
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  Not fake unavailability. Not waiting 3 hours to text back
• 4:58
  because TikTok told you to. Not pretending to move on while
• 5:03
  secretly obsessing over them. Avoidance can usually feel the
• 5:07
  difference. Authentic unavailability is when
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  your life generally becomes fuller outside the relationship.
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  So you're busy, emotionally grounded.
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  You're focused on yourself again.
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  Your attention is no longer constantly locked onto the
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  avoidant, and they will feel the shift now.
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  They're not automatically getting instant access to your
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  energy anymore. You're not sitting around
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  waiting for texts. You're not emotionally frozen,
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  you're not over monitoring every interaction.
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  And this is when avoidance starts leaning in harder because
• 5:46
  many avoidance become most activated when they feel your
• 5:50
  attention is no longer guaranteed.
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  That. That's why people are often
• 5:55
  shocked when the avoidant suddenly starts texting more,
• 5:59
  watching every story, acting jealous, trying to reconnect, or
• 6:04
  becoming more emotionally present after the other person.
• 6:08
  Emotionally, let's go a bit. Because now the avoidant is
• 6:12
  experiencing uncertainty instead of control.
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  And uncertainty creates emotional tension, especially
• 6:19
  for someone who's used to controlling the distance in a
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  relationship. And underneath all of this is
• 6:24
  something even deeper, emotional independence.
• 6:28
  And this is probably one of the most attractive things to an
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  avoidant. And emotional independence means
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  that your mood, identity, confidence, and sense of worth
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  are no longer completely controlled by the relationship.
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  You can love someone deeply without emotionally freaking out
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  every time they pull away. You can miss them without
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  behaving in ways that cause you to abandon yourself.
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  You can want a relationship without making them responsible
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  for your emotional stability. And that energy feels completely
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  different to an avoidant because they get overwhelmed by people
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  who emotionally attach to them too intensely, too quickly, or
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  too dependently. When someone's entire emotional
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  world starts revolving around them, they feel pressure, not
• 7:24
  attraction. However, with emotional
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  independence you createspace and that creates calm, confidence,
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  safety and freedom. And that's when avoidance start
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  attaching more, because now the relationship doesn't feel like
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  an emotional obligation they have to escape from.
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  It actually feels like a choice, and people with emotional
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  dependence naturally become harder to take for granted.
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  They're not constantly chasing validation, they're not
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  panicking over every delay, they're not abandoning their
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  self respect to hold on to the connection.
• 8:00
  That's why emotional independence is so powerful.
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  Not because it manipulates the avoidance, but because it
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  completely changes the emotional dynamic between you.
• 8:12
  And to help do that, you can check out my apps Silencio and
• 8:16
  the link to that is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 8:19
  It will help you to stay away, pull away and stay away.
• 8:24
  And for those of you who are still into the ancient art of
• 8:28
  reading, I have my book No Contact Secrets and that is
• 8:32
  available at nocontactsecrets.com.
• 8:35
  And of course, the link to that is also underneath every single
• 8:38
  video and podcast. OK.
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  Fourth, you become less emotionally reactive.
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  Avoidance are extremely used to provoking anxiety in people, so
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  they expect panic, chasing long emotional texts, demands for
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  reassurance, arguments over feelings and emotional spirals.
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  But when your energy becomes calmer, more grounded, less
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  reactive, the emotional atmosphere completely changes.
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  Now suddenly you feel emotionally safer to be around,
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  and that makes the avoidant more emotionally curious about you.
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  5th you stop rushing closure, commitment and reassurance.
• 9:25
  And this is something people really struggle with.
• 9:27
  A lot of avoidance lose attraction when they feel
• 9:30
  emotionally cornered. So the more someone pressures
• 9:33
  them for the labels, the certainty, the reassurance or
• 9:37
  immediate emotional resolution, which people with an anxious
• 9:41
  attachment style usually do, then the more trap they feel.
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  Now, that doesn't mean that you tolerate nonsense forever, of
• 9:48
  course. It means that you stop trying to
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  force emotional security out of someone who's actively resisting
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  it. What creates obsession is
• 9:58
  emotional tension. That means space, curiosity,
• 10:03
  wondering, mystery, missing, you, feeling your absence, and
• 10:09
  finally you become OK with losing them.
• 10:13
  And no, I don't mean pretending. I mean genuinely reconnecting
• 10:17
  with yourself so deeply that your emotional survival no
• 10:21
  longer depends on the relationship working out.
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  Because the people who affect avoidance the most are usually
• 10:29
  the people who do not abandon themselves trying to keep the
• 10:32
  relationship. So the less desperately attached
• 10:36
  you become, the more emotionally magnetic you become to an
• 10:40
  avoidant. Now, I also want to say
• 10:43
  something important because a lot of people hear this advice
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  and think, oh, so basically I have to become avoidant to No,
• 10:50
  that's not what I'm saying. Secure people aren't cold,
• 10:53
  they're not manipulative. They're not emotionally
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  unavailable. Secure people simply do not
• 10:59
  chase people who are giving them crumbs.
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  They don't abandoned themselves trying to earn love.
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  They don't make another person the center of their emotional
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  universe, and they're willing to walk away from dynamics that are
• 11:10
  hurting them. And that energy changes
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  everything with avoidance, because avoidance are
• 11:16
  comfortable when they feel you'll always be there, no
• 11:19
  matter how inconsistently how badly they behave.
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  But when they feel your energy truly shifting, when they feel
• 11:28
  that you're becoming emotionally stronger, more grounded, less
• 11:32
  dependent on their validation, that's when they finally begin
• 11:35
  to see your value. Not because you manipulated
• 11:38
  them, but because for the first time then they can actually feel
• 11:42
  what life feels like without you.
• 11:46
  OK, so now I want to hear from you.
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  Do you have any questions or comments about what I said?
• 11:50
  Please comment below and also be sure to subscribe so you don't
• 11:54
  miss out on any future videos or episodes.
• 11:56
  And in the meantime, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts
• 12:00
  and enlightens.