Latest / Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur / Starting over after a loss or ending? It's not clarity you're missing

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Starting over after a loss or ending? It's not clarity you're missing · Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur

• 0:00
  If you've been through some sort of loss, please don't overlook it.
• 0:04
  Because when we've been laid off, for instance, or when we've been through a divorce or an illness or lost someone, maybe it's a home or a debt, or you've had an inheritance that has changed everything, or your children
• 0:20
  left home.
• 0:22
  Maybe it's an ending.
• 0:25
  When there's an ending that we didn't choose, even if we're six months in, maybe a year, maybe two, maybe five.
• 0:33
  If you have a dream and you want to do something, but you can't seem to make yourself do it, this is the episode for you.
• 0:43
  My promise at the end of this is you'll be able to see exactly why you're stuck.
• 0:48
  We're not going to use jargon, but let's use everyday language to understand science.
• 0:55
  We're gonna look at why are we stuck.
• 0:59
  And I want to tell you what one small thing turns into, because I've watched it.
• 1:04
  One of the women I've worked with started a podcast.
• 1:07
  One started a sideline business.
• 1:08
  One took a job that is training for the business that she wants to start.
• 1:13
  One has started writing her book.
• 1:15
  And one went from a workplace that was draining her to a job that finally fit her family and gave her freedom to build her own thing.
• 1:25
  None of them did that with a big plan.
• 1:28
  They did each one of these with small steps.
• 1:31
  One small step, then another.
• 1:33
  And I'll tell you the stories as we go.
• 1:36
  So hear this properly, because I know how this feels.
• 1:40
  But you're not lazy, you're not broken, and you're not the person who used to be capable.
• 1:46
  And somewhere along the lines, you've lost it.
• 1:48
  No, it's not that.
• 1:51
  My name is Dr.
• 1:52
  Amon Kaur, and I started out as a scientist and I love Systems.
• 1:56
  I spent 20 years in careers and building businesses and became a partner of a FTSE 250 company.
• 2:03
  And my job every day was getting people from where they were to where they wanted to be.
• 2:09
  And it genuinely lights up my soul.
• 2:13
  And then when it was my turn, I couldn't do it for myself.
• 2:17
  I'd lost my home, my job, my career, everything I'd built.
• 2:22
  And I went through a divorce, and all of it happened pretty much at the same time, one thing after another.
• 2:30
  So none of this is theory.
• 2:32
  We're going to look at the science, though, because I love science.
• 2:36
  I think it helps us get that clarity and make sense of what's going on with us.
• 2:40
  And we'll actually also look at real life stories of what happens in real life.
• 2:45
  And I'll use some examples of some of the people that I work with.
• 2:49
  You've probably done all the courses, you've read the books, you know the morning routines and the 90 day plans.
• 2:56
  And here's the truth about them.
• 2:58
  They work for people who already trust and believe in themselves.
• 3:03
  That might have been you a while ago.
• 3:07
  But what happens when we have a serious loss?
• 3:11
  When we walk out that door, when we've been laid off or we've lost a job, or we've been made redundant or a marriage has broken down?
• 3:20
  That version of us that we've been working towards has gone.
• 3:24
  We lose self belief and self trust on the way out of that door.
• 3:30
  And I'll show you why.
• 3:32
  Five lessons.
• 3:33
  The first two can explain what stops us from moving forward.
• 3:37
  The third the is why more advice on how to fix it isn't going to fix it.
• 3:43
  And there's certain advice that's going to help you and others isn't.
• 3:46
  And the last two are about how you get moving.
• 3:50
  Nothing here you need to do to start a create a massive plan or anything.
• 3:55
  Every action will take you less than 10 minutes and two of them may be something you haven't heard before.
• 4:02
  And lesson three will make you feel better about yourself within two minutes.
• 4:06
  And let's face it, we all need to feel better about ourself when we're going through this.
• 4:11
  And I really want you to stay for lesson four because that is the one that changed how I understand my own worth.
• 4:18
  And I hope it helps you too.
• 4:20
  So let's go.
• 4:22
  Lesson number one.
• 4:23
  Almost everyone says the same thing in our first conversation.
• 4:27
  I need to get clear on what I want.
• 4:28
  I want more.
• 4:30
  I know where I am isn't where I want to be.
• 4:33
  But no matter what I try, I can't seem to be able to move forward like I used to.
• 4:39
  And then what happens is as we spend more time together, they tell me in detail what it is they do want.
• 4:46
  A business, maybe of their own.
• 4:48
  Something with meaning.
• 4:50
  A role that fits their life instead of them having to fit around it and betraying themselves or compromising.
• 4:57
  I knew roughly the direction that I wanted to go into.
• 5:00
  I knew I wanted to make a difference, but I wasn't clear on how.
• 5:05
  But I did have a direction.
• 5:07
  I knew whatever I did had to have meaning.
• 5:10
  Otherwise I couldn't wake up and do it every day.
• 5:13
  It had to be real.
• 5:14
  It had to be authentic.
• 5:15
  An expression of me.
• 5:17
  But the problem was I didn't really know who me was anymore.
• 5:21
  One of my clients wanted to write a book.
• 5:23
  She wanted it for years.
• 5:25
  She kept saying, I don't know what the book is yet.
• 5:28
  It was actually in her drawer.
• 5:30
  She didn't have the whole thing.
• 5:33
  What she did have was the thing that she wanted to say.
• 5:37
  So she just started writing that.
• 5:40
  And as she started to write, her book became clearer by writing it, not by thinking about it and trying to get clear before starting.
• 5:52
  The best way I can describe this is imagine yourself.
• 5:55
  You're in the car, and you type in the destination into your satnav.
• 6:00
  You might not know the exact place you want to go, but you've got a general idea of this town and you see the route on the screen and the car won't move.
• 6:13
  What do you do?
• 6:15
  Do you type in the destination again, zoom in, check for a fourth time?
• 6:19
  Or do you buy a better sat nav and try and find a process that will help you?
• 6:24
  The destination isn't the problem.
• 6:27
  It's that we need to start the engine.
• 6:30
  You don't need the full address to start.
• 6:33
  You might only need the town, but put the town in so you know roughly and, okay, I'm heading north.
• 6:39
  You start the car, and as you start moving forward, you get clearer and clearer.
• 6:44
  As you get closer and closer, clarity becomes clear.
• 6:49
  As you get closer to the destination, you don't have to be fully cleared to start the engine, though.
• 6:57
  Peter Sheeran had spent decades studying the gap between intending to do something and doing it, he calls it inclined abstainers, fully intending and not acting.
• 7:10
  I'll give you an example.
• 7:11
  I had every intention of weeding my garden yesterday, and I didn't.
• 7:16
  And I have the intention to do it today.
• 7:19
  And hopefully by next week I will have done it.
• 7:23
  His research suggests that a large number of people who form a firm intention never follow through.
• 7:30
  So if you are intending to do something and you can't do it or you don't do it, it's very normal.
• 7:37
  So here's the shift, though.
• 7:39
  If you're still looking for clarity, you're looking in the wrong place.
• 7:44
  You already have enough.
• 7:47
  You just can't use it yet.
• 7:50
  That's the first thing.
• 7:52
  So we're not looking for clarity.
• 7:54
  We're looking at solving a different problem.
• 7:57
  And that matters because another year retyping the destination is another year in the parking lot, and we can get comfortable there, getting frustrated that we just can't seem to be clear enough to be able to move forward, and
• 8:11
  then we can end up living there in that parking lot.
• 8:14
  We bring a blanket and it becomes our new home.
• 8:17
  That feeling of wanting to be clear, but not being clear enough to make that move.
• 8:24
  So our action today is to write down the rough direction of where you want to head to.
• 8:31
  Because you already know it might be even something you want to feel internally.
• 8:35
  It doesn't have to be that you want to start your own business.
• 8:38
  It might be that you just want to have more self control, self love, self trust, self belief or confidence again, so that you can then show up in life in a different way.
• 8:50
  Or it might be external, like you want financial security, you want your own home.
• 8:55
  Whatever it is, write it down.
• 8:57
  Write that sentence down.
• 8:58
  And notice how fast that will come.
• 9:02
  That speed is your evidence.
• 9:05
  You know you've got enough clarity to work with.
• 9:08
  Okay, so let's move on to lesson two.
• 9:11
  Imagine you're at dinner and someone says, so what do you do?
• 9:16
  And then notice, what sentence are you used to coming out?
• 9:22
  What did you used to say?
• 9:24
  Maybe you used to say, I'm married to so and so, or I'm a mum, or I'm a housewife, or I've got my own business, or I do this as a job.
• 9:33
  But now there's going to be a pause.
• 9:36
  Because if that isn't there anymore, if there's some sort of loss, that pause is going to be the whole problem.
• 9:45
  In 2007, I sat down and decided what I wanted.
• 9:49
  I really wanted a home, a family, a belonging, security, the house, the children, the partner.
• 9:57
  And I got it.
• 9:58
  And it was between 2018 and 2020.
• 10:04
  I lost it all.
• 10:06
  But what nobody told me was that I'd lost a version of me that was holding things together at work, at home, everywhere.
• 10:16
  And when there was nothing left to hold, I didn't know who I was anymore.
• 10:23
  And here's what made sense of that for me.
• 10:26
  When we look at the brain, our brain doesn't drive.
• 10:30
  Looking through the windshield, it doesn't see what we see through our eyes.
• 10:37
  It's driving from memory.
• 10:40
  It's a map.
• 10:42
  Our brain is like a map drawn from everything that's ever happened to you.
• 10:47
  And it steers down that map before you even have a thought, a conscious thought of what's actually happening.
• 10:55
  Say if something happens, you see something, it takes you down a map of what it predicts is happening.
• 11:02
  So you're not driving through life as is.
• 11:06
  It's like your brain is just carrying you through and predicting what is happening.
• 11:11
  That's why you can drive home and not even remember the journey.
• 11:16
  You don't remember driving or you can walk through the supermarket and not even remember the aisle.
• 11:22
  For years, the brain has got a map on the marriage, the house, every route that your brain knew how to run along these lines, these roads.
• 11:36
  And then there's a loss.
• 11:38
  And the loss doesn't take down the building.
• 11:41
  It takes down the road.
• 11:44
  The brain is still steering towards something that isn't there anymore.
• 11:49
  And every time it does, it hits a wall.
• 11:52
  You're basically feeling lost for a reason, because your brain doesn't have the same outcome using the same map.
• 12:03
  So obviously, what would happen if we were driving and the map doesn't match where we're going because it's not there, It'd be normal to pull over, right?
• 12:14
  You turn the engine off, and that's what feeling stuck is.
• 12:19
  It's not a weakness.
• 12:20
  It's a driver saying, hey, this map isn't working.
• 12:25
  This map is old for the life that I'm living right now.
• 12:31
  This is Lisa Feldman Barrett's work.
• 12:34
  She's one of the most cited neuroscientists alive.
• 12:37
  And she's shown that the brain isn't reacting to the world.
• 12:40
  It's predicting it from your past.
• 12:43
  So after a loss, the old predictions don't fit right because they're not there anymore.
• 12:51
  So the brain doesn't know what to do.
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  It stays still.
• 12:56
  And she says something that I find so freeing.
• 13:01
  There is no fixed identity sitting inside of you.
• 13:06
  You are who you are in the moment of your action.
• 13:11
  You can create new roads, you can create a new map.
• 13:16
  And this is the shift.
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  You are not the map.
• 13:21
  You are not the sat nav, you're person in the car.
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  And you can choose what map you want to build and how you want to build it.
• 13:32
  But here's the part that matters most.
• 13:34
  If you never name the old road that you've lost, it's normal and natural that you just want to rebuild the same building where it was, doing the same kind of job, finding the same kind of partner, the same
• 13:49
  kind of exhaustion, because we haven't really looked at, oh, why was that old map not working for me?
• 13:58
  One of my clients was in a workplace that was draining her.
• 14:01
  It was a toxic environment, and she could have gone straight into another job that was just like it.
• 14:08
  And she was saying, I was applying for the same kind of jobs.
• 14:11
  And I knew there was a part of me that was saying, hey, I don't want to go into another toxic environment like that.
• 14:17
  But it felt like if I didn't do that, then I wouldn't have career progression or I would not be good enough.
• 14:25
  And most people do.
• 14:26
  What we tend to do is we have the same map and we think that's the only way of doing things.
• 14:33
  Instead, we got honest about what wasn't working.
• 14:38
  Obviously the event was painful because she was let go of.
• 14:43
  We looked at, okay, what was that old road like?
• 14:46
  And the old building, the old job, that old boss, and what did it cost you and what do you need instead?
• 14:54
  What would really fit in with your life?
• 14:57
  What do you want to create now?
• 15:00
  And then she found a job that really fits in with her family, her future, also her freedom to start working towards building a business on the side.
• 15:11
  Because we got really clear about the overall direction of where she wants to go and we found a job that fits in with the overall direction.
• 15:22
  She didn't replace what she lost, she evolved.
• 15:27
  When there's a loss, we don't want to just replace it.
• 15:30
  We have to evolve.
• 15:31
  We have to use what we've learned from that pain to then allow us to evolve so we can make more of a difference or we can create something good from that situation in our life in some way, shape
• 15:47
  or form.
• 15:48
  So your action, say out loud what you've actually lost.
• 15:52
  Not the event as in what wasn't working for you in that situation and what do you want instead?
• 16:01
  I lost being the capable one, being needed.
• 16:06
  I also lost what I thought made me valuable.
• 16:11
  What part of you is actually saying this isn't working?
• 16:15
  Then be honest, because there's a part of you that already knows the old way of being the old map isn't working for you.
• 16:23
  And notice what your body does.
• 16:24
  There's a sense of relief when we get to that honesty.
• 16:29
  But at the same time there is your mind thinking, but what am I going to do?
• 16:34
  Okay, we'll look at that.
• 16:36
  Lesson number three.
• 16:37
  I wish someone had told me this.
• 16:40
  As someone who likes hitting goals, I spent a long time calling myself lazy in my own head.
• 16:45
  I was a bit embarrassed I hadn't achieved as much as I wanted to.
• 16:49
  I wasn't as far ahead as I would want it to be.
• 16:53
  You might know what you need to do, but 20 minutes later you've cleaned the house, you've replied to three messages that don't really mean much, and you haven't been able to follow through and do what it is and
• 17:05
  achieve the goals that you want.
• 17:06
  It's like there's a shadow that's hanging over you.
• 17:11
  If we look at our phone, what does it do?
• 17:14
  When it gets to 8%, it goes into low power mode.
• 17:17
  Without asking.
• 17:19
  The screen dims, the apps stop refreshing, and it stops fetching email and other things.
• 17:25
  It's not broken.
• 17:26
  It is being sensible with the energy it's got left.
• 17:30
  Our brain does the same before it thinks its first job is, how do I keep running?
• 17:36
  And I'm going to manage the energy as a budget.
• 17:40
  It's going to be budgeting your sleep, your food, your energy, your capacity to cope.
• 17:44
  This is what survival mode is.
• 17:46
  And the most expensive thing on the budget is learning anything new, doing something new, and living with uncertainty.
• 17:57
  Now, imagine you get an itemized bill every day.
• 18:01
  Grief is a cost.
• 18:03
  It runs every day.
• 18:05
  So you're already down to maybe 50%.
• 18:08
  Not knowing what happens next is a cost.
• 18:10
  When we're feeling lost and we haven't got the.
• 18:13
  We've had some sort of loss, we're not going to know what to do next.
• 18:17
  Because old map.
• 18:20
  The old map doesn't work.
• 18:21
  Sleeping badly becomes a cost.
• 18:24
  Carrying things alone becomes a cost.
• 18:26
  Because our brain needs connection to feel safe.
• 18:29
  We need to know there's other people that have achieved what it is that we want so that we know then we can trust ourselves to do it as well.
• 18:39
  So our brain does what the phone does.
• 18:41
  It dims.
• 18:42
  And the first thing it switches off is anything new.
• 18:46
  Because that is the most expensive app you have.
• 18:49
  And that fog, that tiredness is not a character flaw.
• 18:56
  That's a low power mode, okay?
• 18:58
  Think of it as energy.
• 19:00
  It's low power.
• 19:01
  And here's the thing about people.
• 19:03
  Some charge your battery, 10 minutes with them and you feel completely different.
• 19:09
  I've watched one of my clients worry about a difficult boss, and then 10 minutes in, they're saying, you know what?
• 19:14
  I've actually outgrown these people, this person, this place.
• 19:18
  I'm ready.
• 19:18
  I'm ready for the next move.
• 19:20
  I'm excited.
• 19:21
  And some people in the background really are draining.
• 19:24
  If you've come out of a relationship or a workplace like that, we are drained first and foremost.
• 19:30
  It's not anything to do with you.
• 19:33
  You're drained.
• 19:34
  And you might have absorbed those beliefs about yourself in yourself.
• 19:40
  So, you know, we've created a new map that is not a reflection on who you are, but we've absorbed that.
• 19:47
  Barrett calls this the body budget.
• 19:51
  When it's stretched, the brain stops taking in new information and runs on the old map.
• 19:56
  So how can we move forward when we've still got this old map and we can't create a new map because we haven't got the energy to do it?
• 20:04
  We haven't got the power to do it.
• 20:06
  She describes depression as the brain cutting costs.
• 20:10
  And she even talks a story about her thinking about her daughter was lazy.
• 20:14
  But actually what it was is her daughter was budgeting.
• 20:19
  And so.
• 20:21
  So we regulate each other whether we are aware of it.
• 20:25
  So even now, you listening, we're regulating each other.
• 20:29
  I'm imagining you sitting with me and it's helping me.
• 20:34
  I just want you to know while we're here, you mean a lot to me for listening and being here.
• 20:40
  It does.
• 20:41
  It helps me feel connected.
• 20:44
  So here's the shift.
• 20:46
  The fog and the not doing are a battery report, not a character report on you.
• 20:53
  And this is why more advice doesn't fit.
• 20:56
  Every course you buy on an 8% battery is not going to make any difference.
• 21:03
  One of my clients understood this.
• 21:05
  She wanted to start business and she tried all these courses about strategy, etc.
• 21:11
  And she just couldn't do it.
• 21:14
  And then she came to me and instead of leaping on empty, she took a job that trains her for exactly that business that she wants to build.
• 21:24
  So she's charging up and building at the same time.
• 21:28
  That's not settling.
• 21:29
  That's the smartest route on the map.
• 21:32
  Because you're building that map so your brain can see you can do it before you have to do it.
• 21:40
  Your action, before you build anything, find what charges you.
• 21:44
  Is it an earlier night?
• 21:45
  A walk in nature?
• 21:47
  Is it 20 minutes with someone that makes you feel like you again?
• 21:51
  And people who believe in you and your dream, Spend less time with the people that don't believe in you.
• 21:58
  And start building your energy by spending more time with people that do.
• 22:05
  Okay, lesson number four.
• 22:07
  This is the one I asked for you to stay for.
• 22:10
  So this is the big one.
• 22:11
  So for most of my adult life, I believed my worth came from what I gave to other people.
• 22:20
  If I'm needed, that means I'm of value.
• 22:23
  Being the mother, the partner, the director, the one that held it all together and had all the answers for people.
• 22:29
  And when that went, I felt like my value had gone with it.
• 22:34
  I just didn't believe I was valuable.
• 22:37
  And to be honest, I didn't really believe I was valuable.
• 22:40
  Even though I was trying to get my self worth from all those people.
• 22:44
  Because even when they told me, you've changed my life, I got this lifetime achievement award or all the awards I've won, none of it really landed internally where I integrate it.
• 22:58
  And here's why.
• 23:00
  Let's think of a singer.
• 23:02
  Where is her worth?
• 23:04
  Not in the applause, right?
• 23:06
  Because when she's singing, for instance, she's not getting the applause at that point.
• 23:12
  That comes after, not when she's recording it.
• 23:17
  She doesn't get the worth from the record itself.
• 23:22
  Her worth comes from when she's singing, even before anyone's heard it.
• 23:28
  She experiences being a singer in the moment she sings.
• 23:34
  I'd put my worth in the applause, in what came back from other people when they went.
• 23:43
  I thought my worth went too, but actually it was a blessing in disguise because it was never about that.
• 23:53
  That wasn't where my worth came from.
• 23:56
  The curiosity had made me a scientist.
• 23:59
  The care in wanting to see people grow, the instinct to find the root cause when everyone else is treating the symptom.
• 24:09
  Those were mine before my marriage, before my partnership, before the house.
• 24:13
  And this is the thing.
• 24:15
  There's something incredible in you that you built your life on before, and it's still here now.
• 24:24
  One of my clients, I had a podcast, and she was scared a long time.
• 24:29
  She was waiting to feel ready, to feel like people will listen to her.
• 24:36
  And that feeling truly never comes.
• 24:38
  You're never going to feel ready.
• 24:40
  She recorded that first episode anyway, and she told me afterwards that she'd never felt more like herself.
• 24:47
  She felt so good afterwards.
• 24:50
  It's more in the doing.
• 24:52
  It makes you feel alive.
• 24:54
  So this is the line I say to myself most mornings, and it's on my desk right now.
• 25:01
  I experience my worth in the expression, and from that I create something of value.
• 25:09
  Just notice the order.
• 25:11
  Not create and then feel worthy.
• 25:14
  Not feel worthy and then create, but express.
• 25:18
  Express my value, experience it while I'm expressing.
• 25:22
  And that worth arrives in the doing.
• 25:26
  So basically we're saying, sing.
• 25:28
  If you're a singer, sing.
• 25:30
  Do the thing that you do best.
• 25:34
  Another client said something the other day, better than I can, that the work is about finding power.
• 25:41
  That she's found her power through the work and through the power, she's created something of her own.
• 25:48
  And the science agrees.
• 25:51
  Barrett's point is that meaning is made in the action, not in what's received.
• 25:57
  For instance, let's look at a cup.
• 26:00
  You might be a cup, but how are we going to be of value if we don't put anything in it to use it?
• 26:08
  That's when we know who we are.
• 26:11
  Oh, I have a function.
• 26:12
  I am a cup that helps people drink an incredible beverage.
• 26:19
  Bandura found the same thing decades earlier.
• 26:22
  The strongest source of self belief isn't encouragement or information.
• 26:27
  That's why so many things about inspiration and information don't really land it's about mastering experience, doing something and finding out that you could do it.
• 26:39
  Have you ever watched a child finally manage to do something?
• 26:42
  Oh, my gosh, it's so beautiful when you look at their face and they've experienced their own worth.
• 26:49
  That's that moment when they've done something and they look at you with delight because they're thinking, wow, look, aren't I amazing?
• 26:57
  Yes.
• 26:58
  What they're doing in that moment is experiencing their own worth.
• 27:03
  And it's infectious.
• 27:05
  So here's the shift, the business, the role, the book is not going to give you your worth.
• 27:12
  It's the place your worth shows up.
• 27:15
  That's how you move from loss to value, from lack to worth.
• 27:20
  And this matters more than anything else in the episode.
• 27:23
  If your worth stays in the applause, the next job is just going to be the next thing you can lose.
• 27:31
  But if you know where your worth is, you can build it when no one can take it away from you.
• 27:39
  And then life becomes very different.
• 27:42
  It's something you're compounding on, you're building, and you could build that in your own business, in your own life, in anything you do.
• 27:51
  And then, you know, you can get back up.
• 27:54
  So today, do one thing that's a pure expression of something you're really good at.
• 28:00
  Don't worry about the outcome, don't worry about the audience, because the audience is where we get stuck.
• 28:05
  Stuck because of judgment.
• 28:07
  If you want to write, cook, fix, organise, plan something or explain something to someone, notice how you feel moments later.
• 28:19
  That feeling indicate to you whether you're that singer or what it is that you love doing.
• 28:27
  Lesson five.
• 28:28
  Remember that car that wouldn't start?
• 28:31
  This is the key, not the whole destination.
• 28:35
  We're just going to do one short drive.
• 28:38
  You cannot argue your brain out of an old map, okay?
• 28:43
  We can't say to the map, hey, why are you not showing me the things that I want to see?
• 28:50
  Like the old way of doing things.
• 28:53
  So, for instance, say if you're afraid of spiders, you might go away and you might learn everything about spiders, but that's not going to really make any difference.
• 29:03
  My son is scared of spiders.
• 29:06
  And the only thing that we can move away from that fear is that if we can redraw a new road so we can take a small drive in daylight, that will end, well, what if we found a tiny
• 29:25
  weeny spider and we sat close to it, I just get him closer to it and then he sees that nothing bad has happened and his brain is quietly updating that he's not suddenly stopped being scared of spiders.
• 29:39
  It's not a massive leap.
• 29:40
  I'm not going there and telling him to hold a tarantula.
• 29:43
  But it's small experiments that your body knows I can survive.
• 29:49
  And then your brain can get new evidence and start predicting a different future.
• 29:55
  Because now we know the brain predicts.
• 29:57
  If it can predict a different future, you can do something different.
• 30:01
  You can create a complete different map.
• 30:05
  Two things make it work.
• 30:07
  First, the size.
• 30:09
  One of my clients wanted to start her own business for months, but it was overwhelming.
• 30:14
  She couldn't start anything because it just felt like it was too much.
• 30:19
  So then I'd say make it smaller, make it smaller again.
• 30:24
  And then she was able to take the first step.
• 30:27
  Registering the name, telling one person, updating her social media, something that was almost embarrassing to say out loud because it was so small.
• 30:39
  But before you know it, she has a sideline business.
• 30:43
  And it's not because she leapt.
• 30:45
  She did all the other work as well in terms of letting go of the emotions.
• 30:51
  And she grieved.
• 30:52
  But she taught herself to drive around the block and then round the next one.
• 30:57
  So it's the small steps that you build towards so that you can build a new map.
• 31:03
  Second, when you're turning your car on and you're turning the key, know this one thing.
• 31:10
  You are not going to like it.
• 31:12
  You're going to feel fear and you're going to want to stop.
• 31:15
  And a lot of people that are looking at nervous system work, they're thinking, oh, my gosh, I need to just regulate myself so that I can move forward.
• 31:22
  What we need to do is feel safe enough to take the action, even when we feel fear.
• 31:30
  I'll give an example.
• 31:31
  Say, if there's fuel on the garage floor, that's going to be dangerous because we could slip on it.
• 31:37
  And if it was a fire, that'd be hugely dangerous.
• 31:40
  But if we can put that same fuel in the tank of the car, it will get us down the road.
• 31:46
  Same thing, but we're using it differently and we're using it to help us move forward.
• 31:53
  Barrett described experiments where people have this crippling exam anxiety and where they were taught to feel the racing heart as determination.
• 32:04
  Like, I'm so determined.
• 32:06
  It's the same feelings, but we've given it a different label.
• 32:10
  If we can instead say, instead of being nervous, we say, I'm so excited.
• 32:16
  You get your butterflies, then butterflies in your stomach, flying in formation if you like, so that you can move forward.
• 32:24
  You don't need to feel calm.
• 32:26
  All the time.
• 32:27
  You don't need to do all these hacks all the time.
• 32:29
  Sometimes we use that information to move forward.
• 32:35
  Like, anger is a great fuel for changing your life if you want to point it somewhere.
• 32:40
  I remember my daughter and I realized that she doesn't need more calming down or relaxing or talking.
• 32:48
  She needs an outlet.
• 32:50
  She needs kickboxing because she's a different person.
• 32:54
  She's fiery, she's got this fire.
• 32:55
  And what was not helping her was trying to suppress that.
• 32:59
  Barrett calls this dosing yourself with a prediction error, small experiments.
• 33:06
  And what that means is we're doing small experiences that are contradicting what the brain expects.
• 33:13
  So it's contradicting the old map, so then it can create a new map so you can become that new version of yourself.
• 33:22
  But we have to update the map.
• 33:25
  The anxiety as determination work is called arousal reappraisal by Jamison and colleagues in 2010.
• 33:32
  If you want to look that up.
• 33:34
  So here's the shift.
• 33:36
  The fear before the step isn't a stop sign.
• 33:40
  You don't need to stop.
• 33:41
  It's the fuel you need to direct.
• 33:46
  You can use it.
• 33:47
  And if you do this for six months, your map is going to look completely different.
• 33:52
  And you are going to be the driver.
• 33:55
  You're going to take control over your life and you're going to start seeing things you've never seen before.
• 34:00
  So what can you do today?
• 34:02
  You choose one thing.
• 34:03
  Make it small and make it smaller again.
• 34:06
  Feel the butterflies in your stomach and call it determination and drive around that block, do that thing and let your body find out nothing bad is going to happen and then celebrate.
• 34:17
  You did it.
• 34:19
  Okay, so we've gone through five lessons.
• 34:22
  The destination is never the problem.
• 34:24
  You know roughly where you need to head, and you can do it.
• 34:27
  Now, your brain is driving on an old map, so you don't have the energy.
• 34:32
  You're not lazy.
• 34:34
  You're at 8% battery.
• 34:36
  So what we need to do is charge before we can build.
• 34:40
  And your worth is not in the doing.
• 34:44
  Your worth is in the doing the thing that you are brilliant at.
• 34:49
  It's not in the applause.
• 34:52
  And you can redraw the map one short drive at a time.
• 34:58
  Even with the butterflies, they can come along with you.
• 35:02
  If it's a book, a podcast, a sideline business, a job that trains you for that next thing so that you can secure the life that you dream of, a job that actually fits your family, then they're a small
• 35:17
  drive away, then another small drive away, and they have achieved it.
• 35:23
  Other women who just felt exactly like you are doing it now.
• 35:27
  They've created the life that they want.
• 35:30
  If you want to know which one of your systems is running the show for you, I built something for exactly that three minutes, go to amancore.comquiz that's a M E N K A U R dot com and I'll
• 35:48
  make sure that it's in the show notes as well.
• 35:51
  10 questions and you'll see which of the five patterns is stopping you.
• 35:57
  Is it caring too much for everyone else?
• 35:59
  Or is it second guessing, planning instead of acting?
• 36:02
  Running on empty?
• 36:03
  Or is it a mixture and you'll get your results straight away and what it means and what you can change.
• 36:10
  First slash quiz.
• 36:12
  If this has said something you needed to hear, please do rate the show whenever you're listening.
• 36:18
  It's a single thing that will help the next person find it and share it with someone who needs it.
• 36:24
  Also, I'm Dr.
• 36:26
  Ehrman Kaur.
• 36:27
  You're not starting from nothing.
• 36:29
  You're starting from something inside of you that is of great value, just waiting to be discovered.
• 36:36
  That's all you need and it's more than enough to begin to create a life of your dreams.
• 36:45
  I'm sending you so much love.
• 36:46
  Till next time.