Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 669: Stages Your Avoidant Ex Goes Through During No Contact - Part 1

Transcript

Episode 669: Stages Your Avoidant Ex Goes Through During No Contact - Part 1 · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:00
  It happened. Your avoidant ex broke up with
• 0:03
  you. You had a feeling it was going
• 0:06
  to happen, or maybe you were completely blindsided.
• 0:10
  Either way, you knew they were avoidant.
• 0:13
  Or you recently found out that they're avoidant and now you're
• 0:17
  scared because you hear that it's harder to give back an
• 0:20
  avoidant. What are you going to do?
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  Don't worry, I'll tell you stay tuned and you'll find out.
• 0:27
  Hi, this is Lucia with the art of love.
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  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
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  you get your X back or to get over your X and welcome back my
• 0:36
  beautiful no contact army. Have you downloaded my app
• 0:39
  silencio to make sure you stay in no contact If you haven't,
• 0:43
  the link is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 0:46
  And if you too would like to join our no contact army, all
• 0:49
  you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bail
• 0:54
  notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
• 0:57
  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
• 1:01
  you purchase the book. So when you try to get an X
• 1:06
  back, but especially when you're trying to get an avoidant X
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  back, the one thing you have to keep in mind is that if you
• 1:12
  don't give them the time and space to go to the stages and
• 1:17
  you stay in touch or you try to stay in touch, at some point
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  they're going to pull away again and it's probably going to be
• 1:23
  sudden and they will disappear. So knowing the stage that your
• 1:29
  avoidant X is in is going to make it easier to get them back.
• 1:33
  So let's get started. So the first stage is
• 1:38
  satisfaction and anger. And this only applies if you
• 1:43
  cheated on them or took them for granted.
• 1:47
  They're going to be angry and they're also going to feel the
• 1:49
  satisfaction of being the dumper and kicking you out of their
• 1:53
  life. And they may even feel the
• 1:56
  satisfaction that you're begging for them back and that you too
• 1:59
  are now in pain. Because they've been in pain.
• 2:01
  They didn't want to break up with you, but they felt they had
• 2:03
  no choice and now they want you to experience that same pain.
• 2:07
  However, if there wasn't cheating and you didn't take
• 2:11
  your ex for granted or something similar to that, then their
• 2:14
  first stage will be relief. Also known as the freedom stage
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  for avoidance. As you may or may not know,
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  avoidance value freedom, independence, and autonomy above
• 2:27
  anything else. They're actually more
• 2:30
  comfortable outside of a relationship.
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  They hate to rely on anyone, and when you're in a relationship,
• 2:36
  you eventually come to depend on the other person.
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  They also hate conflict and arguments and will avoid them at
• 2:43
  all costs. And if you're listening to this,
• 2:46
  you're probably anxious, which means that you often let your
• 2:50
  emotions get the best of you and you have no issue with conflict
• 2:55
  and arguments. So you can see how this is not
• 2:58
  going to work for an avoidant. And they were probably feeling
• 3:01
  suffocated and were thinking about leaving for a while.
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  If they're cold and distant or they've blocked you, it's
• 3:08
  because they're enjoying that freedom stage.
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  Now one thing to keep in mind is that there is no chance that no
• 3:17
  contact will affect them while they are in this stage.
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  OK, now the good news is that the stage does not last forever
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  if you get into no contact and stay there.
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  But if you keep breaking it, all you're doing is literally
• 3:34
  pushing them back into the freedom and relief stage.
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  So if you want your ex to forever be in the freedom relief
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  stage with you, hey, just keep breaking no contact.
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  They'll just see you as the person who's trying to take away
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  their freedom. So that's why it's imperative
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  that you stay in no contact. Now, if your ex was a fearful
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  avoidant, they will actually go through a relief and guilt
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  stage. People who are feel fearful
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  avoidant usually have a shame or guilt wound.
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  They're constantly feeling guilty for their actions,
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  whereas dismissive avoidance, they don't often feel guilty.
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  So breaking up with you triggers those guilt and shame wounds.
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  And even though they feel the relief, they also feel the
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  guilt. So it's a double edged sword.
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  So in this stage of fearful avoidance, we'll text you to see
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  how you're doing. This is why they'll reach out
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  and even act as if there wasn't a breakup, which obviously is
• 4:31
  confusing. That's why I constantly
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  reinforce that you must not respond to insignificant
• 4:37
  messages. Like, how are you doing?
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  It's an insignificant message at this point because it's just too
• 4:43
  early. They're trying to ease the guilt
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  and the shame that they feel, and they may even try to see you
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  in the stage. But remember, it's not going to
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  last. They have to go through all the
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  stages and you're going to think that they've already changed
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  their minds and they still want you and that would be a big
• 5:00
  mistake. So if you start chasing them
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  now, they will go from feeling shame and guilt to wanting to
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  just get away from you and they will disappear and you'll wonder
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  what the heck happened. Well, what happened is that it
• 5:14
  was way too soon to get back together.
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  But if you're anxious, you just want relief and you want to
• 5:19
  believe that they've quickly changed their mind.
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  So unless it was a fake breakup, they did not change their mind
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  that fast. Two weeks of no contact is not
• 5:29
  going to make them change their mind.
• 5:33
  And if they do take you back, at this point, it'll be out of pity
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  and they won't value you as much as they used to.
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  And do you really want someone to take you back out of pity?
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  That would be like someone dating you out of pity.
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  It's like, oh, this poor guy, this poor girl, I feel so sorry
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  for them. I'm going to date them.
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  Same thing, I'm going to take them back.
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  That's not what you want. Or if they do take you back at
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  this stage, they're soon going to have buyer's remorse because
• 6:00
  they haven't had enough time to go through stages.
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  You have not had time to work on yourself and fix whatever it was
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  the person away and it's just not going to work.
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  So the best way to ensure that your ex moves on to the next
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  stage is to stay in no contact no matter what.
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  And if you do that, the next stage will be curiosity.
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  Why do they get curious? Because they expected you to
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  chase them when they pulled away.
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  And if you're anxious, that's probably what you normally did
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  until you found this channel or others like mine, or you realize
• 6:37
  you were making things worse. So how do you know they're in
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  the curiosity stage? So glad you asked.
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  If they had blocked you, they unblock you and they start to
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  watch your socials or they start to watch your socials because
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  they never blocked you. And this is where people get
• 6:54
  excited because they think that just because an X is watching
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  their stories or liking a post, it actually means something.
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  But at this point, it doesn't mean anything other than
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  curiosity. And another sign that they're in
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  this stage is if they start with the bread crumbs or what I call
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  insignificant messages. As I mentioned before, things
• 7:12
  like, hi, how are you? How have you been?
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  Hey did I leave my Guns and Roses T-shirt at your house?
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  If they're texting random things that make no sense, that means
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  during the curiosity stage. And they may also start asking
• 7:27
  mutual friends or family members they're still in touch with
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  about you or just casually bring you up in the hope to get some
• 7:34
  information as to what you're up to.
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  Obviously the more signs you see, the better the chances that
• 7:40
  your ex is curious and possibly interested in at least talking
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  to you. But if you're if they're just
• 7:47
  checking your socials once in Blue Moon, then that does not
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  count. At this stage, your avoiding X's
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  walls are still high. They're not as high as they were
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  in the freedom stage, but they're still high.
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  So trying to convince them that you've changed and chasing them
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  while they're in the stage is only going to make their walls
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  go back up. The only way for your ex to move
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  to the next stage is for those walls to come down.
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  That's why it's important that you don't screw up when they're
• 8:17
  in the curiosity stage or they will never move onto stage 3,
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  which is sadness and missing you.
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  And I'm going to end it here for today.
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  I know you wanted to know about sadness and missing you.
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  I don't want to make this too long.
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  However there will be a Part 2 if you're listening to this the
• 8:36
  week that it came out. So look for it next week with
• 8:38
  the same title. And if you're not listening to
• 8:40
  this the week it came out, then just search for a video of the
• 8:44
  same title. But it'll say Part 2 at the end.
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  I know what a what a shock. But in the meantime, I want to
• 8:50
  hear from you. How long have you been in no
• 8:52
  contact and how is it going? And if you would like my help to
• 8:57
  get your ex back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net
• 9:01
  and we will send you the rates. And the direct link is
• 9:04
  underneath every single video and podcast.
• 9:06
  If you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe and
• 9:09
  share. If you're listening to this as a
• 9:11
  podcast, please rate and review. And finally, remember, love
• 9:15
  inspires and powers of glyphs and enlightens.