Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / You Know As Little About What A Fun Date Night Looks Like For Your Wife As She Knows About What Fun Sex Looks Like For You

Transcript

You Know As Little About What A Fun Date Night Looks Like For Your Wife As She Knows About What Fun Sex Looks Like For You · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom show.
• 0:08
  Today, we're going to be talking about what a fun date night.
• 0:12
  Looks like to your wife and why. She doesn't know how, you know
• 0:17
  what fun sex looks like to you and how you keep missing each
• 0:21
  other in these key ways because of the lack of empathy.
• 0:25
  And before we get to that, I must tell you to subscribe.
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  And that's fun too. So, anyway, the most recent one
• 1:02
  was, what is a healthy compromise?
• 1:04
  Look like In your sex life, that's the most recent
• 1:07
  subscriber episode, okay, so a lot of women want date night and
• 1:11
  guys try to do it but then it turns out terrible, the woman
• 1:14
  hates the date. It's either boring or it's like
• 1:18
  literally terrible like the like bad aversive.
• 1:21
  Sometimes neutral is you know better.
• 1:24
  You know, than I mean neutral is always better than shitty but
• 1:28
  you know, boring is what nobody's aiming for their wives
• 1:31
  to be like that was like, super boring and women don't say this.
• 1:35
  This but like you know you can tell you could tell if your wife
• 1:39
  is not really kind of there on your date night.
• 1:41
  And it's not just because of her like it's probably because you
• 1:45
  too but like everything. So what do women want on a date
• 1:48
  night? Well, first of all, they usually
• 1:50
  want to things, you know, there's different kind of women.
• 1:53
  So a highly sensitive woman. Highly sensitive person wants
• 1:57
  deep conversation so I made you a hundred date night questions
• 2:00
  on my this was like years ago. I think I wrote this in 2014 and
• 2:04
  the questions Will remain. And if you don't like my
• 2:07
  questions, use other questions from the internet, but either
• 2:10
  way, you should have some new discussion topics at the ready.
• 2:15
  It's like so disappointing to a highly sensitive woman who
• 2:19
  thinks deeply all day. That on the date night that
• 2:22
  she's been looking forward to for weeks.
• 2:24
  Y'all are just talking about stupid shit, which includes the
• 2:27
  kids or logistical planning or, you know, just random ass like
• 2:33
  same kind of small talk. Talk about work and the home and
• 2:36
  the home renovation and contractor or whatever it is
• 2:40
  that you would talk about if you were in front of the television.
• 2:43
  So that's like really disappointing and if you say why
• 2:45
  doesn't she bring up the topic she wants to talk about?
• 2:48
  Well I mean usually quite honestly she does all the time
• 2:52
  and you kind of Wiggle out of it because you don't like to talk
• 2:55
  on that level or you always seem to get it wrong or whatever.
• 2:59
  So if she really never has brought up deep conversations
• 3:03
  then, yeah. Certainly She should.
• 3:06
  But usually, the dynamic that I see, is more like, the woman,
• 3:09
  like, most nights of the week is like, you know, wanting to talk
• 3:13
  and Converse and stuff. So, she's looking forward to the
• 3:15
  date night. Being like the one time that
• 3:18
  he's going to initiate some sort of interesting conversation over
• 3:22
  dinner. And that's why there should be a
• 3:24
  meal with date night. It should not just be drinks and
• 3:27
  allowed bar or just like a movie or a show.
• 3:30
  I will get to who likes that in a second, but it's not going to
• 3:33
  be your highly sensitive woman. That really wants to talk and
• 3:36
  bond on a deep emotional level. Now, if she's not a highly
• 3:39
  sensitive person and she's more of an avoidant person, and she
• 3:42
  doesn't like emotions. She doesn't like emotional
• 3:44
  expression. Then Thunder.
• 3:46
  Show it were a concert or a comedy show or whatever.
• 3:50
  Is really the way to go because this, you know, it's fun, it's
• 3:54
  exciting. It's something you don't usually
• 3:55
  do and if she is not somebody who wants to have a deep
• 3:59
  conversation, if you instead are the person who's always
• 4:02
  initiating the Deep conversations and she's the one
• 4:05
  that's A wiggling away from it, then do not stress her on a date
• 4:08
  night. She's looking forward to
• 4:09
  something that is a fun respite from the norm, you know.
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  And so you got to really empathize with her and be like,
• 4:16
  ha, what is she wants? She wants some fun thing.
• 4:19
  So, let's go do like axe throwing or like, you know, a
• 4:23
  cooking class or a paint night or like, when these activity
• 4:27
  things, highly sensitive women, they may like, you know, this
• 4:29
  stuff too. But generally what they really
• 4:32
  feel close when you do is like a Deep conversation.
• 4:36
  So try to do that and use these date night questions.
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  Things like, what's your favorite memory of us when we
• 4:43
  were dating? What is the most important thing
• 4:47
  that you learned this year from, you know, being at work or what
• 4:51
  is the best victory that you've had as a mom this year, you
• 4:55
  know, like whatever some deep thing that you can again like I
• 4:59
  don't want to waste my time telling you examples when you
• 5:02
  could like, literally I have a post about this.
• 5:04
  Also, you could do Of the paired app.
• 5:06
  I get nothing from telling you to do that but it is a nap and I
• 5:10
  use it it's fun and it gives you a little questions everyday for
• 5:13
  use with your partner. You both download it.
• 5:16
  But you know if you really do not know, there's also, you can
• 5:19
  Google New York Times 36 questions to fall in love.
• 5:22
  You could use some of those and you don't have to like write
• 5:25
  these on your arm, you know. Like you can be open about
• 5:28
  taking out your phone and saying I actually wrote down some
• 5:30
  things for us to talk about that I research and your wife.
• 5:33
  If she's a highly sensitive person will I think this is cute
• 5:36
  because it means that you care and she's always wanting
• 5:39
  evidence that you think about her during the day and this is
• 5:41
  evidence that you thought about her and you pre-planned
• 5:43
  something, so never lie. Never be like oh I was just
• 5:47
  wondering, you know, what did you learn from your mother about
• 5:51
  Intimate Relationships. Like don't be fake, you know,
• 5:54
  she's gonna hate that she's going to know.
• 5:56
  It's not you so just be real and in fact you get extra credit for
• 6:02
  planning. It's the same thing as if she
• 6:04
  did some crazy thing in It would you be like, oh no the fact that
• 6:07
  you went to the store ahead of time to buy lingerie, just
• 6:10
  really makes us feel. Not spontaneous or Genuine to
• 6:12
  me. No, fuck no.
• 6:14
  You would be like, wow, not only are we having sex but she
• 6:18
  thought about it before. Whoa, that's even better, right?
• 6:21
  So it's the same thing for women with planning, women love
• 6:25
  planning, and the more emotionally avoidant, women who
• 6:28
  don't like deep conversations also, like planning.
• 6:30
  So you don't have to be like, oh well, do I see some ax throwing
• 6:34
  in the distance R and Chumlee know you'd be like, wow, I look
• 6:37
  this thing up and my friend said that he went with his wife and I
• 6:40
  thought it sounded cool. So I called and now we're here
• 6:43
  because I thought you would like it.
• 6:44
  You know, any preparation looks really, really positive to
• 6:48
  anybody of any gender. Now, some of you are like, what
• 6:51
  do you mean? She doesn't know what I like in
• 6:53
  bed because maybe you're just like, had some, you know, fell
• 6:56
  on your head and had a concussion and don't remember
• 6:58
  all my previous podcast, but you're still insisting that she
• 7:01
  must know what you like in bed because she used to do it. 2002,
• 7:06
  you know, she doesn't fucking remember that because it was so
• 7:10
  long ago and again, she was drunk on new love.
• 7:13
  She was like, it's basically like being drunk.
• 7:16
  She kind of doesn't even really remember that sex.
• 7:19
  She remembers the Deep conversations.
• 7:20
  A hell of a lot more than the sex, because that's what's
• 7:23
  important to her and honeymoon. Stage is like, being out of your
• 7:27
  mind on a drug because it is being on a drug, the drug of new
• 7:31
  law of dopamine. Oxytocin adrenaline, all these
• 7:34
  things, this cocktail, Tale of honeymoon, stage limerence, and
• 7:38
  she doesn't fuck it. Remember what she did?
• 7:40
  And also, she really doesn't much like how you think that the
• 7:43
  date night is never going to be the same as whatever crazy
• 7:46
  proposal you did. Hopefully, then she thinks the
• 7:51
  same thing about sex now versus sex when she was 25.
• 7:55
  She's like, well, of course there's no overlap with that,
• 7:58
  obviously not, you know, same as you think, obviously, I'm not
• 8:01
  going to hire a fucking Sky Rider on a random-ass When we
• 8:05
  have a babysitter for 88 minutes, you know, like no like
• 8:09
  obviously not, but she would like that.
• 8:12
  Just like you would like the honeymoon style sex but nobody
• 8:14
  really realizes this. If this isn't what they
• 8:17
  themselves value. So that's why you listen to
• 8:19
  this, you know. And so if your wife has always
• 8:22
  been fairly board and or unfulfilled by your date night,
• 8:26
  you can really usually equate that to how you have felt in bed
• 8:29
  and you could be like, well shit.
• 8:31
  Maybe if I was bringing some more of my, a game in the way
• 8:34
  that she She needs it and wants it, then she would feel so loved
• 8:40
  that. She not at a tit-for-tat way
• 8:42
  because it is rare, that a woman will be like, well, that was a
• 8:45
  nice date night. I think he's going to get a
• 8:46
  blowjob like some women think like that.
• 8:49
  But like it's rare. But did she would actually feel
• 8:52
  close warm connected romantic more like she did at the
• 8:58
  beginning, when she was doing things, like giving you blow
• 9:00
  jobs, etc, etc. So you really have to always
• 9:04
  think, am I? A perfect person?
• 9:06
  No. Should I?
• 9:07
  Maybe get down the cross and stop being such a martyr, you
• 9:10
  know, and get like stop telling myself that I'm the victim.
• 9:15
  Yes, I should because probably I am disappointing.
• 9:18
  My partner in exactly the same ways that, you know, that she's
• 9:22
  disappointing me. I'm not the exact same ways, but
• 9:25
  the way in which she is not doing exactly what I want and
• 9:29
  I'm not doing exactly what she wants.
• 9:32
  So I should just get down off the cross and stop being a
• 9:35
  martyr. The Martyr Act is very bad.
• 9:39
  That is what you should be in couples counseling for if your
• 9:41
  wife has ever been like, oh, poor you.
• 9:43
  Here we go. You know.
• 9:45
  Yeah, that's a snarky remark, but you got it interrogate it
• 9:48
  because a lot of guys say, oh, I tried to do date night.
• 9:51
  I try to do date night is so you know, hard to figure out what
• 9:55
  she wants because she never tells me and then I'm like what
• 9:59
  did you do in there? Like oh well, you know, she got
• 10:01
  Got the babysitter stee-rike one and then we went to the same
• 10:05
  place that we went to all the time with no reservation
• 10:07
  stee-rike two. And then, you know, I made a
• 10:11
  couple of blowjob jokes you know just so that she kind of got in
• 10:14
  the mood stee-rike three and you're out and this date I was
• 10:17
  worse then if you stayed at home and watch something on TV
• 10:20
  because you actually fucking wasted money to make her like
• 10:24
  you less, how stupid right now, women do the same thing.
• 10:28
  It's like oh I had sex with him, you know, they'll report a
• 10:30
  couples counseling. I did what you want.
• 10:32
  I had sex with him. Oh yeah, how well, you know, how
• 10:36
  long did it last? Would you do Bubba?
• 10:37
  Bubba, Bubba. Well, you know, it was I think
• 10:40
  it was maybe four to six minutes and I he seem to, you know,
• 10:45
  really liked it. I can't really tell because, you
• 10:48
  know, I was pretty much half asleep but he should be happy
• 10:50
  that we're doing anything because that's progress, right?
• 10:53
  I mean like no, you know, I mean, I guess and some real,
• 10:58
  real metaphorical sense. You're four minutes of sexual
• 11:01
  intercourse. That you endured is progress but
• 11:03
  it probably made him more depressed just like the shitty
• 11:06
  date night at like TGI Fridays or whatever made you feel more
• 11:10
  depressed. So everybody Who's acting like a
• 11:13
  martyr that thinks that you know they're doing their tiny little
• 11:17
  bit of work and they should be getting this huge gratitude
• 11:21
  bolus and you know from there from their significant other is
• 11:26
  is you know, delusional like don't be delusional that's going
• 11:30
  to be my new catchphrase of this.
• 11:31
  Go don't be delusional. Don't tell yourself that?
• 11:36
  Because you are doing like the literal like
• 11:39
  bottom-of-the-barrel effort to speak.
• 11:42
  Somebody's love language that then they are going to be
• 11:44
  jumping up and down for Joy because they're not.
• 11:46
  So just to kind of then summarize for the date night in
• 11:51
  a very practical way. If there are children involved
• 11:54
  young children, you get the babysitter you tell her when
• 11:57
  it's going to be you book a reservation at someplace nice.
• 12:01
  You're always complaining that she never looks nice anymore.
• 12:04
  With the fuck does she have to dress up for, right?
• 12:06
  I mean, if you're not taking her anywhere, nothing she goes
• 12:09
  nowhere, she does nothing. I'm sure you've heard this.
• 12:11
  So if you want her to dress up and look nice and be sexy and
• 12:16
  be-- in the same head space that she used to be in, in the early
• 12:20
  relationship, you never going to recover the honeymoon stage.
• 12:22
  You're not 25 anymore either, but if you want her to be in the
• 12:26
  zone for feeling sexy, then take her somewhere up.
• 12:29
  There is sexy and fun. Different where women are
• 12:33
  dressed up and in, you know, if you don't want her to only be
• 12:37
  schlepping around in sweats. A common thing that I hear from
• 12:40
  men to the point that I have a podcast about it when you don't
• 12:43
  like how your wife dresses, which you should look up, which
• 12:45
  I totally understand women, don't find it very attractive
• 12:48
  for men to schlep around and sweats, either by the way.
• 12:51
  So then give yourselves both a reason to be dressed up, look
• 12:55
  different than usual. You know, she doesn't have to
• 12:58
  worry about the sitter, it's a nice place.
• 13:01
  You know, she can get a cocktail, she can relax, you
• 13:05
  guys are going to have fun. It's like, you know, a different
• 13:09
  from the norm at the stage of monogamy that everybody
• 13:12
  listening is at different from the norm is almost unilaterally,
• 13:16
  good uniformly, good rather. You know, because like did
• 13:21
  everything. So boring, you got kids, like,
• 13:24
  you do the same shit all the time because that's what's good
• 13:26
  for kids. It's good for them to have a
• 13:27
  routine. That's good for their little
• 13:29
  developing sense of self and You know, you the same thing family
• 13:33
  dinner, then we do this, then we do that.
• 13:36
  Okay, cool, that's nice. But like adults, you know,
• 13:39
  you've already lived Feels Like A Thousand Lives by like noon
• 13:43
  and it's like, it can be ownerís to be an adult.
• 13:46
  So why not give each other fun, sexy respite from this like, you
• 13:52
  know, monotony I mean, really like if you look at it, like
• 13:56
  very practically instead of getting your ego involved and
• 14:00
  who did more and I try when you don't really try and whatever,
• 14:04
  whatever then you could see, oh my spouse is probably fucking
• 14:08
  bored with their whole life and maybe I could do a little bit to
• 14:11
  help them, whether that's in the sexual realm.
• 14:13
  If you're a woman to a man or in the case of a lower libido, you
• 14:17
  know, flip it. But the genders, if you need to
• 14:19
  whatever or in the case of a woman who is as a man, Could
• 14:24
  give my wife, a fun, exciting date of whatever.
• 14:27
  Genre she given her natural predilection to enjoy or not
• 14:31
  enjoy. Emotional conversations would
• 14:33
  like to have and also added another location.
• 14:37
  That's always a baller move. It's not just dinner, I dinner
• 14:41
  and then it's drinks somewhere else.
• 14:43
  Or, you know, if she doesn't drink than his dinner, one
• 14:45
  place, and desert in another place or if she doesn't drink
• 14:48
  it, she doesn't fucking eat. Then take her on, you know, to
• 14:51
  get her salad and then you take a walk.
• 14:53
  But that Kind of sucks when people try to put the fucking
• 14:57
  walk in, this is just an aside, you know, you get a little extra
• 15:01
  practical advice whenever she's wearing shoes that she could
• 15:05
  walk in, unless she is like obsessed with physical fitness.
• 15:08
  Then it's not romantic, you know, you got your sneakers on.
• 15:12
  There's only so much romantic. It can go except for young
• 15:14
  people, that were sneakers everywhere.
• 15:16
  Even with their, you know, party dresses.
• 15:18
  You people are not these people, so have her dress nicely if
• 15:23
  she's wearing her and This doesn't mean that you can't
• 15:25
  exercise together, and that's not fun because it is.
• 15:26
  I even have a podcast about that, why you should exercise
• 15:29
  with your spouse? But let's try like right
• 15:32
  exercise is one bucket. Romantic date is another bucket.
• 15:36
  So if you're taking a jog to dinner, how could you going to
• 15:39
  look at dinner? Not very good.
• 15:40
  You know, how good you're gonna smell it.
• 15:42
  Dinner, not very good. So, you know, go for a run and
• 15:46
  then come back shower, get dressed and go to dinner like,
• 15:49
  you know, like adults, like people on a date a video camera
• 15:53
  following you around. With no audio track should know
• 15:55
  that you're on a date. You know, should be like oh that
• 15:58
  couples on a date which you would know if everybody was in
• 16:01
  sweatpants because you all wanted to like fucking
• 16:03
  multitask, your walk and your date but calm down.
• 16:07
  We don't have to be that efficient.
• 16:09
  All right, I hope that you guys got at least one valuable pearl
• 16:13
  of wisdom out of this and please do subscribe.
• 16:16
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• 16:43
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• 16:46
  All right, talk to you soon. Have a good day.