Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Hygiene: What Women Find Gross About You

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Hygiene: What Women Find Gross About You · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
0:07
Psych mom show. Today, we're going to be talking
0:10
about turn offs and what your wife finds the most gross about.
0:13
You always a pleasant topic to start your day off, or whenever
0:18
you're listening to this. So, we are going to be talking
0:22
about the sorts of things that women, wait a long time to tell
0:25
men and why men don't even realize that and how real quick
0:30
and easy these fixes might be if you understand what they are.
0:35
So before we do that, please do subscribe my most recent
0:38
subscriber episode which I think was number 80 is about oh God
0:43
even remembers. What is it about?
0:46
I could make some stuff up or oh it was about why your wife hates
0:52
when you drink. So we're really on a roll with
0:54
why your wife does not like various things about you, which
0:58
probably you knew, you know, if you would ever sit down and
1:01
think about it, but many people don't.
1:03
So anyway, Way you would be so surprised that the number of men
1:07
who don't brush their teeth twice a day, just to start with
1:10
that one. I mean, maybe you're not, maybe
1:12
our guy who's like, wait, what twice a day?
1:14
Where the fuck she talking about.
1:16
But yeah, you're supposed to brush your teeth twice a day.
1:18
That's you could Google that. Anybody has to be divided, but
1:22
he does not believe me on this. Your dentist has been remiss.
1:26
You have not been doing a good job.
1:27
Go to the dentist or something. But yeah, you're supposed to
1:30
brush your teeth twice a day in the morning and in the evening.
1:34
And for Guys, like what's this patronizing?
1:37
Shit, of course, I know how to take care of myself.
1:39
I mean, listen, unless you getting late three times a day
1:43
and she's begging for it, who knows.
1:46
Maybe you to have a hygiene issues.
1:48
So you might want to be coachable instead of defensive,
1:52
which is another point, I'll get to, and listen.
1:55
Anyway, you know, but okay, so you're supposed to shower at
1:59
least once a day, if you exercise in the middle of day,
2:02
you got a shower after that, you always got a shower after you.
2:04
Exercise, you generally have to smell very good for a woman to
2:11
want to be with you. Women have a very keen sense of
2:14
smell and in pregnancy, this becomes way crazier like their
2:19
sense of smell becomes like superwoman.
2:22
So and for some people it doesn't go back, you know?
2:26
And it just kind of always is very, very attuned, you know
2:31
like their sense of smell is very strong and they can see L
2:35
really anything bad about you. And so if you do not smell good,
2:43
you are wife. Also doesn't want to hurt your
2:45
feelings which again I do. You think it's just so funny
2:48
probably every time I say it but she really doesn't two women.
2:52
This is like a big deal guys would be like you stay bro you
2:55
know or whatever. Like the guy stinks of the
2:57
locker room. If a girl tells another girl
3:00
she's thinks it's like a bad thing.
3:02
It's like very bad and if you're Like, oh, it's a double
3:05
standard. I can't tell my wife.
3:06
She's things. You're right.
3:09
You know you also can't menstruate.
3:11
You can't have a baby. There's lots of things you can't
3:13
do. But yeah, if your wife is the
3:15
one with a hygiene problem, you've got to tell her also.
3:18
But you would yes, have to do it much more gently.
3:21
I'll tell you that when women tried to say this to their
3:23
husband more gently frequently, the husband does not hear it.
3:27
So first of all, she's waited, like months.
3:29
If not years to tell him, I'm not even joking.
3:31
I work with women, they've been married for like 10, 20 years
3:34
and they I have never figured out how to tell their husband
3:36
that he has bad breath, not joking.
3:39
Because to a woman it's such a bad thing to hear.
3:42
It makes you feel so horrible that you think that it's going
3:46
to like, destroy the man's ego. So, like, for decades, you've
3:50
been like, oh, why don't you try an Altoid?
3:52
And they're always like, I don't like Altoids and they don't
3:54
think anything of it. That's why you got to be very,
3:56
very, very direct. You can't say stuff in the way
4:00
that you would want to hear it. You can't be like, oh, I bought
4:02
this new body wash and I think it would be So wonderful if you
4:05
smell like hibiscus. No, you can't say that.
4:08
You got to say you don't shower enough.
4:10
It's interfering with our sex life.
4:13
I'm never going to sleep with you.
4:14
Unless you took a shower in a few hours at least before we had
4:18
sex. So, you know, or you know,
4:20
moderate that for whatever that day, you know, or that week or
4:25
whatever your tolerances, but it's never going to be that weak
4:27
guys, that was just a joke. So you got to say I can't have
4:32
sex with you unless you shower. We can't kiss unless you brush
4:36
your teeth or there's some people don't go to the dentist
4:39
side, all. And so they have like real,
4:40
chronic bad breath and I don't know why.
4:43
Men don't go to the dentist, but a lot of them don't and so if
4:46
you need your husband to go to the dentist before you kiss him,
4:49
and you're a person who needs to kiss before you have sex, I
4:52
mean, come on. Like the guy has to be aware of
4:55
this stuff. Very, very, very directly.
4:58
So guys, if she has ever said anything to you about your
5:01
hygiene, ever think it's the tip of the Iceberg, it's the tip.
5:06
Usually told you one percent of how much it distresses her.
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So you should hopefully be having a Dawning feeling of
5:12
horror, you know like oh my God she has actually asked me to
5:16
have a breast man before and I'm like I don't like that shit.
5:18
I'm not eating a breath. But why?
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First of all if anyone ever tells you to take a breath mint
5:24
always take a breath mint always or just don't to be near them
5:28
just assume they think you have bad breath.
5:30
So just like leave or certainly don't try to Some are be close
5:35
to them, you know. So that those are your choices.
5:37
You can either do the thing that makes you more appealing,
5:41
physiologically or not. But if it's not don't also
5:44
expect to be closed. If your whole identity is
5:48
predicated on being a man who does not like Altoids then it's
5:51
also going to be a celibate man who does not like Altoids and
5:54
that should not be an issue to you because it is it is
5:58
irrational to assume that a woman would want to get close to
6:01
somebody who is disgusting and a sense of Smell that is really
6:06
heightened, which women have means that you are disgusting.
6:09
If you smell bad, like, disgusting, there's no way for
6:12
you to, in any way, make up for that, if you smell bad.
6:17
It's just a no. Is it complete disgust response?
6:21
Non-starter, this doesn't mean anything about the woman at all,
6:24
doesn't mean that she's not into sex.
6:26
It doesn't mean she's not into you, but she will be not into
6:29
you if she thinks that you're a stubborn bastard.
6:31
So if she has said things like, you don't smell good.
6:34
Take a shower. Our and you're like, I already
6:36
took a shower. It's like when my kids tell me,
6:38
I already cleaned. I'll be like, clean up the, your
6:41
bedroom. I already cleaned.
6:42
Well, no, you didn't. Because if you know, cleaning is
6:46
not a subjective psychological experience of, I don't think you
6:50
cleaned it, you didn't clean. It, it doesn't look clean
6:53
perception, is reality in the cleaning sphere, right?
6:56
So it's the same thing with hygiene.
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If she doesn't think that you smell good, you don't you don't
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you just don't, I mean that that's just What it is so if she
7:06
did, you can't. If she says Q brush, your teeth
7:08
before, we have sex. So she should like, if you're
7:11
listening to this, you're a woman.
7:13
That's how you need to say it. You need to brush your teeth.
7:15
Before we have sex, I can't have sex with you, unless you brush
7:17
your teeth, you need to shower. Before we have sex, I cannot
7:20
have sex with you unless you shower and you scrub yourself,
7:23
really good. Look, you really have to just
7:25
get your like you got to like be strong be courageous.
7:30
Remember it hurts his feeling so much more if you don't have sex
7:33
with him, then if you I'm that he stinks.
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That's just the truth. Every single man I've ever met
7:38
ever would rather be having sex after being told that they do
7:43
not have good hygiene something you can remedy hygiene is
7:46
wonderful because you can always remedy it.
7:47
So yeah it's a little bit different if you like you are so
7:51
overweight that I can't have sex with you.
7:52
Well shit, they can't really do something about that.
7:55
Some people can, you know, some people, it's very, very hard to
7:59
you know, like these as you know if you've ever tried to lose
8:03
weight, it doesn't go the same for everybody.
8:04
Body. And a lot of research shows that
8:06
people end up back at the same weight, kind of, no matter what
8:09
they try after, they've already been overweight for a long time,
8:12
it's very hard to reset your natural set point to something
8:15
different. So sure, if your spouse and
8:18
that's something, I'll get to. Some people are disgusted by
8:20
somebody being overweight, I could just get to it.
8:23
Now, some people are disgusted by people who are overweight.
8:25
This is a harder thing. You know, it sometimes means
8:29
that they're disgusted by the proxy variable of lazy, and they
8:33
associate, Were weight change or your body shape change with
8:37
being lazy. So if you always used to go to
8:39
the gym before kids now you don't go to the gym because
8:42
you're too busy coaching Little League or what have you then
8:45
they may associate that you don't look the same with lazy
8:48
and lazy. Maybe the real turn off.
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So if you go to the gym, that no matter what the hell, you end up
8:52
looking like, she may like you better because at least you're
8:55
not lazy, I could think about different ways to say this that
8:59
don't use the words, lazy or overweight, but why, you know?
9:02
I mean, I'd rather just speak. You know, quickly and
9:05
efficiently to you. So this is the truth but if she
9:09
is really disgusted by the fact that you've put on 20 pounds and
9:13
you no longer, you know, fit into the size 30 waist jeans
9:18
that you always had a try. I mean, you know, try to get
9:22
into better shape but I mean I've talked to you a lot about
9:26
how most women don't really give a shit the way the guys think
9:28
that they do, but there are some women that are very Visual and
9:32
they themselves are super into. Witness and for them, it
9:36
matters. So, if your wife is a gym bunny,
9:39
she's not going to like, if you have a beer belly, this is just
9:41
the truth and you could try to fix the beer belly.
9:44
But hygiene going back to the easier.
9:47
One hygiene is such an easy South.
9:50
If you allow yourself to be coachable, women want a man
9:54
who's coachable. You know the most disgusting?
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Turn off out of everything. Is a defensive babyish man.
10:01
Who you say, hey, you did X and he's like, I don't do X and if I
10:05
did do act X is the right thing to do, it's like, oh my God,
10:09
like, you know, you try to train a child to act more open-minded
10:13
than that about getting feedback.
10:14
So definitely, if a grown ass man, if you're like, you're
10:18
like, you smell bad. He's like, no, I don't.
10:21
I mean, holy shit. You just compounded your error
10:24
by like 1 million percent, right?
10:26
Because now it's like talking to a child.
10:29
It's like saying to a kid, I just saw you eat that candy told
10:32
you not to eat that candy before dinner and with the candied,
10:34
Valdez of what can they not things in my mouth?
10:37
Like, come on. Like, you know, you're lying.
10:40
So, anyway, you want, it seemed coachable and open-minded to
10:43
your wife. This is what's attractive and
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appealing to women. This is what men get out of
10:47
sports. By the way, like, if you've been
10:49
on a team, you know, then you kind of respond differently and
10:53
more you see more coachable and more responsive to feedback.
10:57
This is how being athletic actually helps a man later on in
11:00
relationships because if you've been part of a team, you're a
11:03
team sport. Sport where you had to receive
11:06
feedback in order to help the entire team that you're going to
11:08
be better at hearing that you smell bad and the team,
11:12
therefore cannot have sex. So, what you need to do as a
11:15
team members, take a fucking shower and then the team gets to
11:18
have sex. So but men that do not have
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experiences with being part of a team, whether it's on a sport or
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whether it's at work or whether honestly it was growing up with
11:29
other siblings can help you be coachable because they give you
11:31
feedback all the damn time. If Her husband, there are a few
11:35
listening don't have any of these experiences where you are
11:39
ever able to receive feedback. Well then you're not going to be
11:42
able to receive feedback, well about hygiene about sex about
11:45
anything else. And I do have a podcast that
11:47
reminds me on how to receive sexual feedback from your wife,
11:50
just type in feedback after dr. Psych mom, show, and you should
11:53
get it. I would imagine.
11:55
And it talks about the same things, you got to be coachable,
11:58
you got to be open-minded, you got to be receptive to feedback.
12:01
So, in terms of hygiene one, You might think this is a
12:05
black-and-white issue, but I'll tell you, man.
12:07
It's not because I've been in private practice since 2009, and
12:12
people will literally be like, no.
12:14
It doesn't matter how much a shower, she doesn't want to
12:18
sleep with me, anyway. And I literally be talking to
12:20
the woman. She's like, he smells bad.
12:22
He smells right? He's gross.
12:23
He wears the same clothes all the time.
12:24
He'll shower, but then he'll put on the same nasty clothes and
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I'll tell him, hey, maybe you should change your clothes first
12:29
mistake. She should be like change your
12:32
clothes, or we don't have sex, like, you don't.
12:34
To say that a couple times usually.
12:36
But anyway, again, she doesn't want her to feel like she
12:38
doesn't want to, you know, be a bitch.
12:41
I don't really know. So anyway, so he puts on the
12:43
same nasty underwear after the shower which, of course,
12:46
obviates the shower might as well not have showered in the
12:48
first place. So and and if you're a woman
12:51
you're like, why would I tell a grown ass man not to put on the
12:53
same LCS clothes? Well shit, you complain about
12:56
your mother-in-law? Don't you think that she made
12:58
many, many mistakes. Well, this was one of them.
13:01
Apparently, she didn't tell him that.
13:03
We change it to new clothes after The shower.
13:05
So you can't both say that. A man grew up like he was raised
13:08
by wolves but then also expect him to have somehow learned
13:10
along the way what to do in terms of hygiene and this
13:14
resonates with probably 95% of my female listeners.
13:18
Like if you don't think that somebody really trained in how
13:20
to be good, how you also going to say he should have learned
13:23
how to be good in whatever way. So that's your job as a teammate
13:27
in this marriage. I'm not saying you have to do it
13:29
all the time but you have to do it extremely directly once or
13:33
possibly twice. I have to say, here's what a
13:35
shower means to me a shower. Means you get in there.
13:38
It's at least 10 minutes of hot water, and soap, and this loofah
13:42
here, or a loofah of your choosing, not just your hands.
13:46
Also, you have to shave. You have to shave the whole
13:49
undercarriage. You have to shave your balls.
13:51
Whatever the hell you want him to shave?
13:52
You have to really scrub at these things.
13:55
That is a shower, don't come out here before 10-15 minutes, you
13:59
know, and that is a shower. You should really only have to
14:02
say that once in your marriage and he should know That it's a
14:04
shower. But many women do not ever say
14:07
it but yet they think somehow he was supposed to know this men
14:12
don't sit around reading shit like like my daughter's, I've to
14:15
preteen daughters, like they read magazines, it's like here's
14:19
your 15 points, skincare routine, is this what you meant?
14:23
Don't read that shit. They don't read it.
14:26
They do not know what it means frequently to take care of their
14:30
hygiene. They really don't know.
14:32
So if you're a man Googling this and you're like, Basic hygiene,
14:36
for men, how to take a shower, then you are in the minority and
14:40
Bully for you. You are a very smart man, to
14:43
actually research it, but the majority of your cohort does
14:45
not. And instead, they remain in
14:48
filthy ignorance. So, if you are a man and your
14:51
wife has ever told you or insinuated or laughed about
14:54
that, you are dirty Slappy that your clothes are nasty from
14:58
years ago. Just say take me shopping.
15:02
Let's get the clothes that you want to see me.
15:04
You got to be coachable, you cannot be a man who's
15:06
complaining about his sex life, but also wants to wear his
15:09
college teacher and graduated college in 2003, you know, you
15:13
can't like that's just not an option.
15:16
So what is the takeaway from this many men smile?
15:20
And look a lot worse than they think they do.
15:22
And they got and and if you're a woman, you got to tell him
15:25
explicitly. This is what I think of your
15:28
hygiene. It is really a c-minus and you
15:32
got to brush your teeth twice a day.
15:33
Do it with the same? Kind of toothbrush that I get
15:35
for me and the kids don't do it with this piece of shit
15:38
toothbrush that we bought on a trip one time. 10 years ago you
15:41
never changed out. Actually take a fucking shower.
15:43
Here's what I think grooming looks like and then maybe you
15:47
know I'm not going to be disgusted really.
15:50
I mean you got to really lay it out there.
15:52
It's so funny that women will be like no I won't have sex with
15:55
him for three months but I don't want to hurt his feelings by
15:58
telling him why listen his feelings are already hurts.
16:03
You didn't have sex with him for three months.
16:04
It's, he's not doing well anyway.
16:06
It can only go up from here. So if there is a pragmatic
16:10
reason why you do not want to sleep with your husband with
16:12
such as he smells bad, you must tell him.
16:15
Otherwise, you're not being a good wife and you're not being a
16:18
good team player and all this stuff about a grown-ass man.
16:22
Ought to already know how to do this that and whatever that is
16:25
just a cop-out. This some bullshit, he obviously
16:27
doesn't know right and neither do lots of other guys.
16:30
If you ask your husband, something like, how do I pay the
16:33
mortgage? And he's How's a grown-ass
16:36
woman? 40 years.
16:37
Old not know how to pay a mortgage.
16:39
You would probably want to push him out a window, so don't
16:42
respond like that. If you wouldn't want somebody to
16:44
respond like that to you because you don't know everything
16:46
either, you know, you don't know everything either like myself.
16:50
I don't know directions, I couldn't find my way out of a
16:52
paper bat, so if I turn around, I said to my husband, which
16:55
direction do we walk out of, you know, Hotel on vacation, to get
16:58
to the elevator? Which I never know.
17:01
And he was like, how could you get to be 40?
17:04
21 years old, not know. I mean, I would leave, I would
17:07
leave the vacation. So, and so would like, anybody,
17:11
you know, if they were talked to like that, so don't talk to your
17:14
husband like that, you know, that's like that whole man
17:16
called bullshit, do not talk down to your husband.
17:19
If he doesn't know something, tell him.
17:21
Tell him same as you would want him to tell you because there's
17:25
plenty of shit. You don't know to every person
17:28
has blind spots, you know, every human being nobody's perfect.
17:32
So anyway, point of the matter, Is a shower just like he has an
17:37
addendum a shower. By the way is like 10 to 15
17:40
minutes of scrubbing. Your body with soap that bubbles
17:44
so just get body wash get a washcloth a loofah, get
17:47
something that's going to scrape.
17:49
The muck off of you be in the hot shower.
17:52
Wash your hair all the time. If you're a man you don't wait,
17:56
you know you're taking you're just you're in there.
17:58
Your heads in there too. So wash that wash all the parts
18:02
of your body, wash your feet. Wash your legs, wash every part
18:06
of your body and also make sure that your well-groomed and you
18:09
can certainly Google how to groom your under part on GQ or
18:15
men's health or whatever. They'll tell you how to do that
18:18
with a razor or a Clipper. If things are very bad and
18:23
brush, your teeth twice a day at least, what is the downside of
18:27
doing it? Another time and use one of the
18:30
vibrating ones, the spinny brushes.
18:33
So yeah. If why why not, right?
18:37
I mean, why not see how on point you could get your hygiene.
18:41
If she likes cologne have her, buy you some kind of Clone or go
18:44
test them out together at Sephora by herself at Sephora
18:48
and you buy something at Sephora.
18:49
So for is a makeup place so you could has cologne and perfume
18:54
and buy deodorant that she likes.
18:55
Go to the goats. When you go to CVS a Jew like
18:58
how this deodorant smells, why not get her opinion?
19:01
You know, she could have a strong opinion.
19:03
So she may hate your deal. Odorant you may not wear enough
19:05
deodorant, there may be lots of problems going on.
19:08
So if you're listening to this this is one that, you know, I
19:11
always say don't have your wife, listen to my podcast because so
19:14
many of you like, really fucking did this too much, but this is
19:18
one that really a woman cannot get offended about.
19:21
There's literally no way for her to get offended about it.
19:24
It's about you and your lack of hygiene.
19:28
Remember how much she loves to talk about your problems?
19:32
I know she can't bring this one up.
19:33
Possibly could To be nice. But here I am making it so easy
19:37
for her. So basically you would just be
19:39
like do you think I should listen to this podcast about
19:41
hygiene? Do you think that there's
19:43
anything I could possibly get out of it?
19:45
Do you want to listen to it together and see if there's
19:47
anything that you agree with at all?
19:49
I think just because the it doesn't talk about sex it just
19:52
says you know she might have sex if you smell better no shit.
19:56
And so she might be open to this one, really?
19:59
I mean I it's really going to be a non-defensive 14 women.
20:04
Inning. If you give her one of my
20:06
podcast that's like, you know, here's why, you know, your wife
20:10
is sexually repressed. Yeah, no shit.
20:12
She's not going to want to listen to that it, maybe she
20:14
will like Bully for her. If she's one of the few women
20:18
who wants their husband to give them a podcast.
20:20
That says, this is why you're sexually repressed, I don't
20:22
think I have that title, but you know what I mean?
20:24
Then sure, then that's great. She's coachable.
20:27
She's open-minded. But many people do not want to
20:29
be handed something that's like here's why you have a problem,
20:31
but they always want to hear. Here's where I have a problem.
20:34
And here's why I have a problem. Do you find me, dirty and
20:37
smelly? Oh, is that a problem for you?
20:39
They may get really like excited by this topics.
20:42
It may be an entry point to something that they've wanted to
20:44
bring up four years on can't. So why not try?
20:47
All right, I hope this was useful.
20:48
If at least one, man, is clean as a whistle because of this and
20:52
gets even one more sexual encounter than this has done.
20:55
Its job, and I'll talk to you all soon.