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S2E28 - Managing Separation Anxiety: Setting Clear Limits and Choices · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi, I'm doctor Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
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  you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode, I am answering a question from Cindy
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  and her question is about her five year old daughter who
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  has really big emotions and is really struggling with some separation anxiety
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  and I can speak from experience at my center.
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  I'm dealing with a lot of separation anxiety right now
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  and families are really having a difficult time with very clingy children,
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  very needy children and children that are not able to curb
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  their anxiety if they don't have their quote safe person.
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  And so this is something that I feel we've seen a huge uptick in
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  and I would argue it's probably post COVID
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  and, and a lot related to that,
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  but we definitely see a huge increase in highly anxious children.
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  So, Cindy,
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  I'm so glad that you emailed about this and I'll read parts of
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  her email and then we can dive in and discuss this together.
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  I have a five year old daughter who while
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  not officially diagnosed experiences intense anxiety and big emotions.
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  She's always been this way. There's no specific incident or circumstance.
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  We can identify that exacerbates it.
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  Recently. She began play therapy. Oh my gosh. I'm so excited about that, Cindy.
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  And through her therapist, I was introduced to your podcasts.
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  I've listened to many episodes of both the Parenting and
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  the Play Therapy Podcast and I find your methods fascinating and enlightening.
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  I'm so glad that you've been able to listen to those, Cindy.
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  I've started implementing your ideas into my daily parenting.
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  And I've already noticed small successes,
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  particularly with choice giving and reflecting feelings.
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  I'm so happy for that as well.
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  Ok.
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  So now on to her question,
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  I have a specific question regarding her separation anxiety.
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  My daughter is extremely attached to me as her safe person
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  while she manages to go to school. Although it's a challenge for her
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  at home, the situation becomes more unmanageable.
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  Here are a few examples on Sundays.
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  When my husband usually goes food shopping, he invites the kids to join him.
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  My younger son readily goes along but my daughter refuses to go without me
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  when I shower and my husband is home, she usually allows me to start
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  but 5 to 10 minutes in,
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  she begins banging on the door and screaming for
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  me to come out escalating until I finish.
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  She won't let me leave the house.
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  And even when I move to another room, it will take her a few minutes to notice.
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  But as soon as she does, she needs to confirm where I am and what I'm doing.
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  I recall your discussion about a client who needed his mother present for
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  safety and how you guided the therapist to help him feel secure independently.
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  I would appreciate your thoughts on how to implement a similar approach in our home.
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  All right, Cindy. Thank you so much for first of all, the detailed explanation.
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  It's really helpful for me to understand with examples
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  and also for reaching out with the question.
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  And this is going to be so helpful for so many parents
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  because many many children are struggling with high levels of anxiety
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  and often separation anxiety. So this I think is going to be really meaningful.
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  So here are my kind of initial thoughts,
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  the fact that she's in play therapy,
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  I can undoubtedly tell you this will naturally start to get better
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  as she continues her process in play therapy.
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  In other words, she is going to build
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  increased self esteem,
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  which will help her feel more capable of handling her big feelings.
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  She will build increased regulation, which will help her
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  be more resilient and cope more effectively in situations.
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  She will increase her worldview
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  and she will better understand that her actions influence
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  the situation, the future, the circumstances, other people.
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  She just will really kind of understand that
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  it's not just all about her in that particular moment.
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  These are some of the universal outcomes that we know,
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  take place as part of play therapy.
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  So this will naturally resolve to a degree just because she's in play therapy.
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  And I hope that you are really confident and satisfied
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  in the fact that you've chosen to have play therapy,
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  support you and her on this journey, there really is no more effective solution.
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  So I'm, I'm very encouraged by that.
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  Ok. But here's how you might help and, and support the process.
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  First and foremost, you need to be reflecting her feelings as much as possible.
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  I know you said you've been doing it and you've already noticed small successes.
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  Here's why I'm stressing that so much
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  for a highly anxious child
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  and for a child who experiences big emotions, big feelers,
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  deep feelers and tense feelers,
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  they tend to feel these things, but they have no idea what's going on.
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  And then that lack of knowledge is very scary.
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  It's very overwhelming and they experience the somatic symptoms,
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  but they don't make sense,
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  they don't know what they are and then it kind of freaks them out.
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  So as much as possible, even though this is taking place in play sessions as well,
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  if you continue to reflect feelings at every opportunity,
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  it will build an emotional vocabulary for her and
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  it will build an emotional IQ for her.
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  And here's what that will do
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  as she better understands her feelings,
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  as she accurately identifies those feelings.
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  And then as she is able to communicate those feelings,
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  she will start telling you what's going on
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  instead of the escalation and the tantrums and
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  the screaming and the banging on the door
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  and all the other things that you're describing,
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  that's her way of showing you how emotional she is.
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  She will get to a point where she can tell you
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  what her emotions are as she develops that emotional vocabulary.
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  So that should be your standard go to every
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  time you interact with her as much as possible,
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  reflect her feelings.
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  Then furthermore,
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  here's a really helpful strategy for a scenario like this.
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  You forecast what's to come for a child so they can get used to the idea.
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  So here's what I mean,
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  let's say you say, all right, it's the early part of November
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  by January 1st.
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  We are not going to deal with whatever behavior anymore.
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  So let's say it's about you showering
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  because I mean, I do think you, you need to have the opportunity to shower in peace.
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  So let, let's go with the shower scenario.
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  So you say, ok, January 1st,
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  we are no longer going to be in this situation with the shower.
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  So you're going to say to her,
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  you didn't mention her name. So I'll just say Judy.
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  So Judy,
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  I know sometimes you get really upset when I shower and you really want me to
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  come out fast because it's hard for you for me not to be with you.
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  So there's the acknowledgment. There's the reflection.
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  You're not wrong for feeling this way. I understand. I validate.
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  I hear you all of those things. It's really important,
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  but here's the forecasting.
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  But after Christmas,
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  you are going to
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  not
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  react that way when I go in the shower anymore
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  and you just say it as an expectation of behavior. This is what's coming.
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  This is where this is going
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  and it gives her time to process and,
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  and get ready for it because essentially she's going
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  to have to process her feelings about it.
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  She's going to have to ask questions. She might have to anticipatory grieve
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  over what's about to come.
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  But you need to give her some time to prepare herself mentally and emotionally
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  for the changes that are going to come.
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  Let me share a personal story. So maybe I can illustrate this in a more helpful way.
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  So at
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  one point when my son was pretty young, I think he was seven,
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  he ended up watching a show.
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  It was like world's smartest criminals or something. I was not home.
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  That's a noteworthy point.
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  So, you know, when mom's away things happen
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  and I think it was actually my dad and
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  my husband and they were sitting there watching TV.
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  And then my son ends up watching it with
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  them and it was like world's smartest criminals.
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  And they went through all of these stories of how clever these criminals were and
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  like how they did what they did and they didn't get caught in whatever.
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  All right. So that sounds fine in theory.
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  But my seven year old got really,
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  really freaked out about some of the stories that he saw on the show.
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  So he was convinced that someone was hiding in our
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  attic because that was one of the world's smartest criminals.
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  The guy hidden the attic so that he wouldn't get caught.
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  So our son is convinced that someone is hiding in the attic.
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  So he decided he would not go upstairs alone from that point forward.
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  So every time it was time to go shower, he would say,
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  can you come up with me every time it was time to go to bed?
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  He would say, can you check my room
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  every time he had to do anything upstairs?
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  He needed reassurance, he needed someone else with him. He needed to feel safe.
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  It was, it became this whole thing
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  and it went on for quite a while
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  and I finally thought, ok, he's stuck
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  and he needs to get unstuck. So we're going to strategize this.
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  He, it was about a month or so before his eighth birthday.
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  So I said, hey, buddy,
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  I know that you've been scared about going upstairs
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  by yourself ever since you watched that show,
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  but you're gonna be eight soon
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  and when your birthday comes, as soon as you turn eight,
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  you're going to go upstairs by yourself from then on
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  because you're gonna be eight and you can do that
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  and he kind of got deer in headlights look and was like, oh my gosh,
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  what are you talking about?
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  And I don't like this idea and I can't or whatever.
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  And so I just kept saying you don't really know how you feel about this.
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  But when you turn eight, you're gonna go upstairs and shower by yourself,
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  you're gonna go upstairs without one of us going with you.
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  It was just setting the expectation.
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  So you're gonna do the same thing about your shower, Cindy
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  January 1st or December 1st or whatever date you decide,
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  you let her know that that's where the change is going to take place
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  and then
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  come that
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  date
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  you're going to announce, ok, it's January 1st or whatever date you decided on.
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  And from now on
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  when I shower, you're not going to bang on the door and cry.
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  You can sit outside and wait for me,
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  but
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  you're not going to bang and cry anymore.
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  That's what you're going to say.
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  But here's how you're going to say it because you're going to use the CCPT method,
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  which is choice giving.
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  So here's how this is going to look, you're going to limit set with choices.
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  So Judy,
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  you usually don't like it when I shower, but it's January 1st.
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  So from now on,
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  I'm going to shower without you crying and yelling and banging on the door.
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  You can choose to sit outside quietly and wait for me
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  or you can choose to wait in the family room for me with dad.
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  There's the expectation. Those are the choices. Now,
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  the first time you get in the shower is she likely to come in and bang because it's a
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  habit because it's a pattern of behavior because she's conditioned
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  to do it 100% and you can almost guarantee it.
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  So you're going to
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  ignore her as you shower
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  when you get out, she's probably going to be frantically crying as per usual.
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  And you're going to say
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  Judy,
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  it's after January 1st
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  and you know that when I shower,
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  the door is not for banging on and it, you're not for screaming at me.
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  If you choose to do that next time I shower,
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  you choose negative consequence.
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  If you choose to wait quietly outside the door or if you
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  choose to sit in the living room with daddy while I shower,
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  you choose
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  opposite of negative consequence.
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  This is where her currency matters. What matters to her?
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  Is it
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  getting a book read to her at night? Is it getting dessert after dinner?
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  Is it going outside and playing with her friends? Is it being pushed on the swing set?
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  Well, like what happens every day that matters to her? That's the consequence.
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  So let's say it's she gets a book before bed.
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  So if you choose to bang on the door and scream and cry like that,
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  the next time I shower you're choosing not to have a book read to you before bedtime.
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  But if you choose to sit quietly or if you choose to sit with daddy,
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  you choose to have a book before bedtime.
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  Ok? So now you've made the ultimate limit very clear.
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  And then
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  the next time you get in the shower,
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  whatever she chooses, you enforce it.
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  So she,
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  if she chooses to sit quietly outside the door
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  or if she chooses to sit with your husband
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  in the living room,
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  as soon as you get out of the shower, you acknowledge it out loud,
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  Judy, you chose not to bang on the door and you chose not to cry and get angry.
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  So you choose to have book tonight.
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  If she
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  did the
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  opposite, you're going to acknowledge that
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  Judy, I see that you chose to bang on the door and cry.
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  So you choose not to have a book tonight, but you can try again tomorrow.
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  This works if it's her currency and if it matters to her,
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  so don't throw out a meaningless consequence because
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  it won't be enough of a motivation.
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  The goal is you're still validating, you're still acknowledging,
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  you're still helping her feel heard.
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  It's hard when I'm in the shower. You really miss me.
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  You wish that you could be with me. It seems like it takes a long time.
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  You're going to continue to reflect and validate.
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  But the expectation is come, the date that you set
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  that is not for happening when you're showering anymore.
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  The door is not for banging on.
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  I'm not for crying and yelling at
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  that is the new expectation.
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  And what happens is she learns not only that,
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  that conditioned pattern of behavior is not worth the outcome,
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  but she also learns to self control
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  and keep in mind this is paralleling the work that she's doing in the playroom.
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  So she will naturally be decreasing her anxiety,
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  she will naturally be increasing her regulation.
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  She will naturally be building more of an emotional vocabulary.
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  So we know that's going to work in tandem with what you're going to do at home,
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  work in conjunction with your play therapist.
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  But the goal is that you are going to set limits and give choices,
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  you're going to reflect her feelings as much as possible
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  and you're going to trust her to self regulate.
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  And I know she hasn't been able to, to this point,
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  but she is capable of it because she goes to school without you.
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  You said it in your email. Although it's hard for her,
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  she does go to school,
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  which means we know that she's capable
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  of being without you.
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  We know that she's capable of self control and self regulation.
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  So therefore, we're going to trust her to do it at home now too.
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  And the only way we do that is give her the opportunity to practice.
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  So once you conquer the shower situation,
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  then you might move on to
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  when you go to another room, how she reacts
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  and then you might move on to when she doesn't want you to leave the house,
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  but only tackle one thing at a time
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  because that's for your best interest and for hers.
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  All right, Cindy.
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  Thank you so much for the email and I hope that was helpful to all of you.
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  If you all have questions,
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  if you have issues or concerns with your kids or your
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  parenting or what is working or not working in your house,
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  I'd love to hear from you, brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  Shoot me an email and I can answer your question in a future episode.
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  Thanks y'all so much for the commitment that you pour into your kids.
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  Thank you for listening to the podcast so that
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  you can be a more effective and confident parent
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  know that every minute that you spend working on your parenting
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  is a very, very worthwhile endeavor.
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  So I hope that you feel encouraged, hope that you feel supported.
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  Hope, you know how much I care about y'all talk again soon. Bye.
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  Thank you for listening
• 15:52
  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
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  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
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  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.