Latest / All The Light She Found / Healing is Messy, Not Peaceful
Transcript
- kelly: Hello, my friends, and welcome to episode five of All the Lights You Found. I'm your host, Kelly McGurk, and I am so glad you're here. I love having these convos with myself. Actually, I think of all of you listening when I do it, so it's not so weird sitting by myself recording this, but I really noticed a topic this week in the old therapy office. And it comes up a lot, but it definitely came up a few times this week. And I was like, what a great topic for the podcast. Talking about healing, first of all, and why when we've been doing the work for so long, sometimes it feels like we're not making any headway or we're in the same spot or we were triggered by the same thing. And we get so frustrated with that. And You know, I've been thinking about that. And I think somewhere along the way, I think that we were sold like this picture of healing that looks peaceful. Like like one day you're gonna wake up early when the sun is just shining in and you've got your yoga mat all out and the sun shining on it perfectly, and you're gonna meditate for 10 minutes and drink your smoothie, which I'm guessing is probably all green in this healed version, and suddenly you're gonna feel whole. Like you're just gonna wake up and just love on yourself and feel whole. That has not been my experience personally, and I don't think it's yours either. Here's the thing about healing: it's never linear, it's uncomfortable, it's freaking messy. Sometimes it feels like everything is falling apart when in reality you're finally stopping the things that kept you in survival mode. And that can feel messy. Here's the thing guys, healing isn't measured by How peaceful you feel. I mean, that's the end goal. And I can tell you, I will protect my peace. Ooh, I'll protect my peace because it came hard. Okay. But it isn't every day, all day, all the time. Healing is often measured by how willing you are to stay in the discomfort long enough to become more honest with yourself. And you know we all love some uncertainty and discomfort. Let's be honest. Sometimes the mess is healing. I need you to hear that. Sometimes when you're feeling messy and like you don't have anything figured out, you're in the middle of healing. Things that no one tells you are that healing can make you cry before you cry more. Like probably cry more, to be honest, because you're finally letting yourself feel things before you cry less. Boundaries, you know the B word. Boundaries. Boundaries usually bring up guilt before they bring peace, because you're not used to having them. Saying no can feel selfish before it feels freeing. Healthy love, that can make you feel anxious because chaos used to feel pretty familiar and safe. Sometimes it feels like you can outgrow people that you genuinely love and that can make you sad. You'll miss the version of yourself who maybe accepted less because she never had to disappoint anyone. Healing, you guys, and this one's kind of hard. It asks you to disappoint other people instead of constantly disappointing yourself. Oof. That's a big one for us people pleasers. Interesting little tidbit about healing is sometimes you're grieving versions of yourself. The woman who always kept everybody happy. The one who never asked anybody for anything. The one who accepted crumbs. Cause she didn't think she deserved a full meal. Man, I say that a lot in therapy. Why are you taking scraps? Why? Why are you accepting scraps when you deserve a full meal? Let me give you some advice though. Those old versions of you when you heal, those aren't versions to be mad at. Man, those are versions that protected you. And those are versions that got you here. Let's be honest. They may have been in survival mode, but they got you this far. So healing sometimes asks you to grieve things and people that are still alive. Cause you know what? When you begin to make yourself a priority and you begin to want more for yourself, relationships can change. And some can feel different. Like that can feel weird. Sometimes you begin to grieve what you wanted in the relationship that you never got. Sometimes you're grieving the version of someone that you hoped you'd grow old with and you realize like, I don't know if I want to do that anymore. Sometimes grief is about accepting reality of what has been and what is and what you want. Relationships, I gotta tell you, a lot of times in therapy, first thing I will tell people is once you see it, you can't unsee it. And they're like, okay, like what the heck is she talking about? But trust me. If you know, you know. And if you're listening and you've done it, you know. And if you haven't, trust me. Once you see it, you can't unsee it. When you change. Everyone around you has to decide if they'll change too. Some people you guys will celebrate with you. I this makes me kind of emotional. I have had those experiences of Having people surround me and sit with me in the really, really hard. But those are the same people that are freaking cheering me on in this new season. Like they are so happy for me and they tell me constantly how proud they are and how excited they are for me. That is love, When they can s watch you walk through the dark and find the light, and they're and both, and they're there to sit with you when you're crying and they're there to cheer with you when you're happy. Like it's so beautiful. But some people aren't comfortable with that change. Some people don't know what to do. When you change, when you don't show up in the version that they've always known. Don't confuse their discomfort with the mistake of you growing. Make sure you know that because a lot of people come into my office and they're like But they don't like this version. And I'm like, do you like this version? And they're like, I love this version. Then keep walking it. Sometimes it can feel lonely because I talk about this a lot. I just talked about this with a client yesterday. So if you're listening, you know this is about you. But sometimes healing can feel super lonely because you're somewhere between who you were and who you're becoming. And the old version of who you thought you were doesn't fit anymore. And the new version isn't quite fully developed. And that middle space, ooh, that can be uncomfortable. But that's where the growth lives. And you know what sucks? Why does things that are hard and uncomfortable always have to be where the growth sits? Like, why does kale have to be better for you than a Snickers? Like, why does turkey and chicken better for you than a nice prime rib? You know, like why is working out until you feel exhausted so good for you rather than just laying in your bed? Which feels so good too. Growth doesn't come from comfort, man. Healing can change your identity, the one that you've had, the one that you believed about yourself. Maybe you've always been the strong one or the caregiver or the fixer or the peacemaker or the overachiever. Those identities helped you survive. And healing eventually asks: who are you when you don't have to earn your worth anymore? Literally, you guys, who are you when you don't have to earn your worth? That question is so hard for people. Healing is not convenient. Let's be honest. It doesn't happen on a quick vacation and you come back healed. It doesn't happen when life finally calms down. Although when you get a little space, it sure shows up like a big old neon sign. It happens in the middle of you working, grieving, raising kids, dating, running errands, going through a divorce. Trying to figure out what the heck to make for dinner. Healing is not some retreat. It's choosing differently in ordinary moments every day. That's what it is. It's not magical. Healing is not, unfortunately, my friends, waking up one morning and loving yourself. Would that not be awesome though? If you can go to bed and wish it and wake up and be like, fully healed, super confident, full of self love. Hello. Healing looks more like catching yourself in the middle of being self-critical or waking up in the morning, looking in the mirror and going, My gosh, what happened last night? Like I sweated in the night and my hair dried looking like a crazy lady. And I got bags under my eyes. And I was just telling my brother this week, I'm like, dude, like the more I age, the more I'm morphing into mother. Like true story. And that's not a bad thing, but like, wow. And he's like, I morphed into dad. And I'm like, true story so weird. Side note, side quest there. anyway, I think just stopping yourself in the middle of criticism and saying to yourself, we don't talk to ourselves like that anymore. that's one small thing. Healing isn't one brave decision to just jump in. Now, let me tell you. There are people that come in my office for this the first time and they are scared and they had to be brave to do it. But unfortunately, that one brave decision doesn't heal the whole thing. It's tiny brave decisions that nobody is applauding. You know what I'm saying? It's going to therapy, having a hard conversation with someone that you've been avoiding. It's leaving work on time instead of trying to be the hero. It's taking the walk. It's going to the gym. It's letting someone help you. Remember, that one's super hard for me. It's learning to receive love. Maybe it looks like not texting your ex when you want to. Maybe it's freaking not apologizing for existing. Do you know how many people come in my office and they tell me how they're sorry? They're sorry. They're sorry. I'm like, what in the world are you always sorry for? You don't need to be sorry. Like You don't have to apologize for taking up space in your life. Maybe healing looks like keeping the promise you made to yourself. I don't know. Maybe it looks like not fixing everyone's problems or asking for what you need. Maybe it's crying instead of pretending you're okay. You know, maybe it's resting when your brain tells you you should be productive all the time. I don't know. It can look like a lot of things. But it can also look and feel sometimes like you're losing certain things like like old coping skills that you've leaned on for all these years, the old identities that you've told stories about your whole life, old relationships. You know. Sometimes it can feel like losing. Sometimes it can feel like you're becoming too much. You know why? It's because the old you never thought they had needs, never stopped to think about what their needs were, never spoke up, never said no, even when everything in you wanted to, never asked for help. Think about that. People have benefited from your silence and from your overproduction and from all the things that you do for them. Think about all the people that benefited from you not taking care of yourself and not saying no and showing up when you were exhausted. People who benefited from those things may not love change and they may not love your honesty. But that doesn't mean you're difficult or being selfish. It may mean that you're becoming healthy. Healing sometimes feels worse because you stop abandoning yourself. What the heck does that mean, Kelly? Well, when you start showing up for yourself, that's gonna feel weird because you've spent years ignoring your needs. Choosing yourself is gonna feel selfish because it's unfamiliar. I have so many clients who feel guilty. For wanting more, who feel guilty for starting a boundary, who feel guilty for not staying quiet. And that's not because what they're doing is wrong, it's because it's so unfamiliar. what if discomfort wasn't our enemy? I talked about that in the last episode. What if discomfort wasn't our enemy? It was making us notice things about ourselves. What if discomfort simply means you're stretching into a life that you've never lived before? How about that? Maybe the first healthy relationship you're in feels super weird and uncomfortable. Maybe it's too peaceful, too calm. Maybe you're waiting for the shoe to drop. When you begin to choose yourself, that feels weird. And new, let's be honest, new of anything doesn't feel peaceful. A new job, a new hobby. It's always kind of scary, isn't it? Sometimes it doesn't feel peaceful, it just feels new. So we kind of need to recognize that too. When something's new, a new relationship, a new job, a new experience, a new travel adventure, you got butterflies. Is that anxiety? Is that bad or is it good? I don't know. I just feel it. Just notice it. I will tell you, you know how I love to talk about the nervous system. Your nervous system is gonna get real loud before it gets quiet. When you stop distracting yourself with all the things that we distract ourselves with: shopping, scrolling, drinking, TV binging, whatever it is, whatever you're working out, whatever yours is, when we stop distracting people pleasing, overworking, overfunctioning, your emotions. Finally, have room to speak. And that doesn't mean things are getting worse. It means you're finally listening. And is that comfortable? No. And also, this is for all you out there, my clients, current, old, and my friends. Healing doesn't mean you're never gonna get triggered again. The goal in this obviously is not perfection. My word, we're gonna make so many mistakes. The goal is recovering faster, recognizing the story we're telling ourselves sooner. Being kinder to ourself and trusting ourself and just knowing I've been here before and I'll find my way through again. It doesn't mean it's not gonna come up. I did tons, I tell my clients this to make them feel better. I have done therapy for years. I thought I figured it all out. And then Mike dies, and I am like, wait, what? Like, why is this stuff coming up for me again? And sometimes you just gotta let it be, notice it, why am I feeling this? Talk to your therapist or your brother and have people remind you. Yeah, that's okay that it's coming back and that you got triggered and maybe you said something you didn't want to or you reacted as a way and as a parent where you lost your mind or in your relationship you said something that was like unhealed version of you. That's okay, because guess what? You noticed it and you make amends. Maybe you're anxious because you're trying to do life differently than you've ever done it before. And let's talk about different it can feel risky and scary. Even when it's healthy. Thought of something when I was gonna record this when I thought of the topic. I was thinking about, well, I'm sure I thought of it because I watched HGTV. Anyway, house renovations. Like when they're doing a huge renovation, they're tearing crap out. They're tearing the ceilings, the walls, the flooring, and they're having a great time, right? And you don't go in the middle of a renovation and go, my God, this is getting worse. Like, of course it looks worse. But then piece by piece it starts to look better and you build something that you want and you build something that feels good and that you love the way it looks. You're rebuilding. Healing is gonna be messy before it's beautiful. That's just how it goes. And remember, healing isn't about becoming someone new. I want to keep saying this because it's so important because I've seen it so many times, hundreds and hundreds of times. Healing is remembering who you were before fear and survival, before freaking people pleasing and before shame. Shame's a nasty little turd. Before you decided you had to meet everybody else's expectations. Healing is uncovering. That's what it is. What if the reason healing feels so hard is because your old life keeps asking you to come back? Trust me, it will and it does. You know why? Because that's safe. Even if it's not something you want to live in, it's safer than not knowing what's next. Sometimes it asks us to go back to old habits, the old stories we tell ourselves, old coping skills, you know those. Your nervous system loves familiar because it's safe. Even when familiar hurt you. Healing isn't just learning something new, guys. It's saying goodbye to the version of you that you kept alive. Remember that survival? You did it. You're here because it helped you survive. So we need to thank those versions. And gently mention to them that you've got it from here. I do things called parts work and it's a little woo-woo, but the parts of us that have been protecting us, the parts of us that learned survival, the parts of us that thought we had to, you know, do A B C D E to be worthy or to receive love, those parts have been keeping us going this whole time. So asking them to step back while a new version of you The version that's always been there while she shows up. That's a journey. I just wanna say healing isn't measured by how comfortable you feel, it's measured by how honest you become with yourself. And as we all know, that can be hard. Sometimes being honest with yourself is feeling like almost being vulnerable with somebody else. Like, wait. Oof. It's not being fearless. It's becoming someone who trusts herself. That is what it looks like. Sometimes the bravest thing you'll do today is not abandon yourself. What does that mean? That sounds all psycho babble, really? It just means notice what you need. Notice what your body's telling you. Notice which people you're around that fill your cup and make you feel peaceful versus people that make you feel like you have to put on a show. The life you're building, you guys, it's gonna feel super unfamiliar before it feels like home. But you wanna be able to sit in the uncertainty. Remember in episode one, when I said I was gonna make fear my bitch? That's what you guys have to do. You have to know that fear is gonna show up. But you also have to know that you were strong enough to get to where you are now. If you look at your life. Even if it's not one that you would want to relive, if you look at it and what you've survived and what you've managed and what you've accomplished, can you give yourself a boatload of credit here? So healing is peeling away everything that convinced you that you had to become someone else. And it's really what coming home to yourself looks like. And if all of this sounds crazy and foreign and I would love to do this, Kelly, but I have no idea what you're even talking about. Like, I want to do this. I know I'm not in a good space. I know that I am hustling for my worth. I'm exhausted. Trust yourself. Get a therapist. They're magical. Do whatever you need to do to find the version of you that you've always wanted to be. Everyone, I hope as this week progresses you find all the light. Little, big, whatever you find, look for it. There's always light if you look for it. I'm Kelly and this is all the light she found.