Latest / Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast / Replacing Hierarchies with Harmony: A Relationship Anarchy Guide | Pillow Fort Sessions EP 21

Transcript

Replacing Hierarchies with Harmony: A Relationship Anarchy Guide | Pillow Fort Sessions EP 21 · Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast

• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Welcome back everybody.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: This is the podcast where the bonfires keep blowing and the crackling keeps crackling, or around the kinky campfire the pillow fort sessions.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: This is your host, el Comedin, aka the Cuddle Gigolo, aka Colonel McBee or Julius HH.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: Julius, if you're being informal, I have another pillow fort session episode for you.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: If you did not know, these are supplemental episodes where I talk to myself and kind of record it go about 30 minutes to do a deep dive into a particular subject that I find very interesting or particular to my life.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: These are very good, uh episodes if you are the nerdy type and like to get to the particulars, as I do.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: I tend to even geek out on this, on these different things, uh, because I want to let y'all know about it.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: So here I am again with another topic, but of course, before I do, we need to get into our most important five seconds of the week.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: This is the ASMR five seconds.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Today I will be drinking a tequila soda from Casa Azul, the lime margarita flavor, which tastes delicious.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: So here we go in a count of three, two Very throaty and delicious again, not sponsored, but we will take those sponsorships at some point.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Somebody's gonna want to sponsor us.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: I feel like we're giving enough to the alcohol brands and all that stuff out there which is very interesting but delicious nonetheless.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: Tequila soda so delicious, and they're just putting in cans for everybody and putting some carbonation in there.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: It's a great mixture combination.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: It is beloved by all ages.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure I don't know, I'm just making that up as I go Sponsored chips, people.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: That's how we get the fancy stuff.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: But for now, let's get down to the topic.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: Let's get serious here for a second.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: This is very serious bdsm, non-monogamy, all super serious topics, very, very serious indeed.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: Uh, today's topic, which I'll talk about here, hopefully pretty quickly there's so much, so this is probably gonna be a part one, but I want to go an overview of relationship anarchy, anarchy, anarchy I can't do the voice, if anybody knows what I'm talking about Anarchy.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: Every time I hear relationship anarchy, I want to think of that movie, anarchy.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: This is what we're doing here and overall, relationship anarchy is a newer term.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: Even the earliest mention I have is from like 2010, which is very interesting.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: Oh, no, 2006.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: Excuse me, 2006.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: So it's still a newer concept and even the masses are still just finding out about it.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: And it's funny because it's like a new buzzword that a lot of people are using, but they don't really understand it.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: So it's like what is this relationship anarchy?
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: And to me I'm just going to cut to the end it's like everybody should be doing this.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: Everybody should have autonomy.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: Why are we identifying each other based on our relationships?
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: How about I'm just a person, no matter who I'm with, and that part doesn't really matter, because me overall doesn't change depending on the relationships that I'm in or who I'm with at the time or in my vicinity.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: So that's pretty interesting that people like to define themselves based on their relationships when they really don't need to.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: We really should not be doing that, and it's kind of strange overall that we as a society do this.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: It doesn't make any sense to me, but I am here today to explain what relationship anarchy is to everybody as I get situated here.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: Okay, so let's start.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Of course, we have to start with the definition.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: We when I say we, nerds, slash robots need this jumping off point, a baseline, to begin all discussions so that most of us, hopefully, are on the same page.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: So we start with a definition is defined as a concept that involves applying anarchist principles to romantic relationships, because they reject traditional western relationship models like monogamy and hierarchy in favor of values like autonomy, community interdependence and anti-normativity.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: So anti-normativity, anti-anything, is anarchy, all right.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: So anarchy just comes from, like, the political view of rejecting what is the majority and going with what is the minority, or even the complete opposite of what the majority is.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: So, instead of a normal relationship structure, ras believe that each person is their own person.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: There's autonomy, no expectations in relationships, no entitlement.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: We don't like any of those words.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: Just because there's you've been together for a pre-described amount of time does not entitle you to expect anything because of that type of relationship.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: So I, like most anarchy ras, believe that, no matter what type of relationship it could be, from an acquaintance all the way up to a marriage or long-term spouse, partner, np, whatever you want to call it primary yada, yada.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: All the above Cause it's not specifically tied into all the non-monogamy roles I mean.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: Monogamous can be ra, can practice ra as well.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: Can be ra, can practice ra.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a lifestyle choice.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: Can practice ra.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: That is something we can do.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: As I said, people, this is part one.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: So we're doing, we're starting from the beginning and then working our way, uh, to the end to see how we feel exactly.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: It's still a a practice, so work in progress, I should say.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Amongst all other things, I came across ra not long after I got into polyamory, so I'm like huh at first I was.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: I thought it was tied together, like a lot of people assume, at least from the research that I found.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: But it is different than non-monogamy.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: There is a difference between relationship anarchy and non-monogamy, non-monogamy I.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: There is a difference between relationship anarchy and non-monogamy, non-monogamy.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: I'm going to keep saying this again not tied to it.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: You can be monogamous, all different types of relationships and still practice RA.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: That is something that can be done Because I will go into detail here More definition Based around consent and communication.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: Basically, you can love as many as you choose or possibly can.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Each relationship is independent of each other.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: Of course, sex, physical stuff is not necessary.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: So sex, intimacy and romance all the three things are not permanent in every relationship.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: Each relationship is a la carte.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: I will say this again.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: I believe this with BDSMsm, non-monogamy, all the different things, you have a choice.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Take what you want out of it, leave the rest.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Just because you say you are something does not mean you prescribe to all the things that are typically associated with that thing.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: Take what you want and, of course, communication, negotiation.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: You know I hope all you campers know this by now that Julius loves me a good negotiation.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: You can negotiate everything and always can be revoked, can be talked about again.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: Renegotiation is a thing I don't even know.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: It's called renegotiating because you should start negotiating every single time.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: I believe something new happens.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: You can negotiate every day if you want to negotiate everything.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: Communication is key, people, let's get rid of those expectations.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: I'll keep saying this.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: You'll hear this multiple times in this talk because I found it in every single article.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: Whatever have you about relationship anarchy that I could find?
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: Get rid of those expectations.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: Autonomy is highly valued, and so is direct communication, permission not needed, but should talk about feelings.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: So in general, relationship anarchists do not believe in permission.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Just because I'm with you does not entitle you to my body and my actions.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: I don't have to check in with anybody, especially if you negotiate it that way.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: But I mean there is twists on everything.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: So of course people can negotiate whatever they want, but in general it's all about autonomy.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: Respect your partner's values, friends, whoever, whatever I'm just going to say partner for generalization's sakes Whatever relationship you want to be, as I said, it could be from acquaintance friendships all the way to long-term partners, spouses, what have you?
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: It's about respecting each other.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Partners, spouses, what have you?
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: Just it's about respecting each other.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: So why would you do something like cheat on somebody that you supposedly have strong feelings, care about what have you?
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: And then you're not respecting them?
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: But yeah, it's.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: Assume that ra is not about any of those things, not about respect, not about boundaries and respecting boundaries and all that people's feelings.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: But in actuality, it's more so than that.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: It's more about talking about things.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: That way you don't make expect incorrect expectations and go around hurting people, especially if you know you're doing it on a purpose.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: Consent is the primary thing and, as we know, consent is about sharing information, not hiding things.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: So honesty is a big part of consent, because people have to know what they're accepting.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: That is a big thing.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: So RA is about talking about those things.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: Respect for others' independence and self-determination, feelings and history no matter how long you know about the person and how much you care about them, does not equal entitlement to command and control a partner to comply with what is normal or what you think is something and assuming it's not entitlement you can't control somebody else.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: The folly of man thinking you can control somebody's actions.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: It's ridiculous.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: That's not how it works.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: Speak your truth and hopefully people will respond in kind.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: The golden rule treat others how you want to be treated yourself.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: Ra seeks to eliminate specific distinctions between all relationships and resist placing demands or expectations on people involved in relationships.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: This is not what we do.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: We do not have distinctions between relationships.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: It's not hierarchical.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: It's not what we do.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: We do not have distinctions between relationships.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: It's not hierarchical.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: People are who they are, independent of another relationship.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: How I feel about one person does not change the feelings I have for another person.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: Each relationship is its own little line separating island, different parts of the world.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: What have you?
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: Different spheres, different bubbles, all those different words.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: Okay, this is how this works.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Okay, so I'm going to do a little bit of history.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: Like I said, technically started in 2006 by a lady named Andy Norgren.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: She wrote a relationship anarchy manifesto which offered an alternative to traditional relationships.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: As far as I can see, this is where everybody starts with the anarchy and then she popularized the term in a Tumblr essay in 2012 so six years later.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: And then a convention called OpenCon, had it publicly known in 2010, so a little bit later.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: So 2010 and then 2012, and the conference has been the 2016, uh, and then in 2020 there was a book, relationship anarchy by a spanish person and then translated into english in 2022 and of course, like I said, draws tenants from political anarchy.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: So they took relationship anarchy or political anarchy and turned it into relationship anarchy.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: Is like, if we're doing another political, national and countrywide space, why not?
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: We do it in our own relationships.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: So the manifesto relationship anarchy manifesto I've talked about, so let's do a little deep dive into it.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: Okay, there are a few tenants here that come from this manifesto that a lot of people talk about.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: So, since we starting with the manifesto, I'm just going to start there, when we talk about this thing and hopefully be able to get through all of this in this episode.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: We'll see, but definitely part one, because there's more research to be done here.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: Wasn't too much like since 2006,.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: Not, a whole lot of new stuff has been going on since then, but of course, everybody has their own opinions, as is exemplized here, that, uh, these tenants are to be taken and used for your own gain.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: Of course, do your own research.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: Why you even listen to me at this point?
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: Just cut this off right now.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: Just research yourself.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: I mean you could do that.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: This is mostly for entertainment value in the podcast form.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: Of course I live my life this way.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: Why are you even listening to me at this point?
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: Just cut this off right now.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: Just research yourself.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: I mean you could do that.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: This is mostly for entertainment value in the podcast form.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: Of course I live my life this way, but you don't have to, because I took these tenets and I'm like, ooh, okay, this is what I think this means.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: So take this as you will for yourself, but let's get down into it, okay.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: First is love, is abundance and relation.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: Each relationship is unique.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: I said that before in the definition.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: Basically, love for one person does not diminish love for another person.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: Comparisons are evil people.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: Let's not do them.
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: Comparisons are the thief of joy, as many people have said.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: If you've listened to a podcast, I'm sure somebody has said it somewhere.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: If the podcast was any good and, you know, not purely just comedic, I I guess I don't know, because I've been heard it on some comedian's podcast.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: It wasn't all comedic.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: But yeah, comparison is the thief of joy.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: Let's not do that.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: Each person is their own unique individual.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: Why are we comparing people like that?
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: That's terrible.
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: Stop judging people too Horrendous.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: Number two love and respect instead of entitlement.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: As I said, entitlement is terrible.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: Rather than compromise, choose paths that keep integrity intact.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: Love is not more real when people compromise for each other because it's expected.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: So this one I kind of sort of halfway agree with, because there's always room for compromise.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: I believe it depends on what the compromise are.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: Of course, don't bend or break your own personal boundaries or affect another relationship that you have because of one other one.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: One relationship does not affect another relationship.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: But I mean, of course, the only finite resource out there is time.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: You're never going to get more time, unfortunately, and of course when you're having a good time, time flies so ridiculous.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: That's like the hardest thing to come to terms with, unfortunately.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: So I am mostly non-hierarchical, except for I'm a logistically hierarchical person.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: I mean time, driving distance, driving time, distances from each other, that all plays part into it.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: So sometimes you're just not going to be able to make it to certain events because somebody lives an hour and a half away.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: So you're just limited on this.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: Stuff you can do and people have jobs and family and you know dependents and all those different things and responsibilities, so that all plays into it.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: Of course I will make exceptions.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: So well, exceptions, compromise, that's where the compromise comes in Logistically, functionally, I mean something you know, somebody lives, lives in a whole other country or something.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: Obviously you're just not going to get as much time with that person.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: Or you make time for them and somebody has to, like take a trip, might be spending two weeks or whatever with them.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: So that's just how it is sometimes.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: So that's my only thing with compromise is don't compromise your personal morals and boundaries.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: But sometimes you just functionally, it's just not going to work that way, morals and boundaries, but sometimes you just functionally it's just not going to work that way.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: If you have a partner lives five minutes away and you have another partner that lives an hour, halfway, I mean something's got to give, there's no way.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: It's just time and space is a thing, unless until teleportation becomes a thing.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: Um, you know you might have to do a zoom date or discord game night or something.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: So jackbox games, uh, just not sponsored either, but that's a thing.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Uh, steam is the thing.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: They have all different kinds of games you can play now it's just, I mean, they even have nes and snes games.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: For us old people, that's a thing.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: You can get together and do that.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: Uh, I say discord, steam, yeah, discord has their own games, facebook has their own games.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: You know, there's virtual stuff you can do.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be games either.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: You can just have a talk and watch a movie together.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: That's a thing.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: Now on Netflix you can co-watch a movie with your person or people.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: Compromises unfortunately have to be made functionally, logistically.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: Let's see Number three find core relationship values used for all relationships, all relationships.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: That's a big thing.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: Don't make one relationship over the other.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Uh, don't make special rules or expectations as a way to show love.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, there's no, my, my thing and our thing.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: Terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: Every everything should be for everybody.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: Don't be like oh, this is not your thing, so we don't do this type of deal.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: It's like, give them a chance to see.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: I mean, if you're like dating, uh, somebody that has different dietary needs than you or not food motivated at all, it's like, well, we don't need to go to that food festival, that's just all there is to it.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: But it's like, don't be like this is something we don't do.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: Just say I, you know this is, I don't need this so much, but allow the person space to make changes.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: People change all the time.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: That's a big thing in relationship anarchy.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: Embrace the change.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: Don't make something you do today is supposed to be forever.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: Got to be flexible here, people.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: Next one is don't let heterosexism fear lead you.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: People will question relationships when norms aren't followed.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: Unfortunately, people have expectations.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: Your friends are all like horrible.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: I'll just say that from personal experience.
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: They are horrible people like telling you oh, we like this partner over the other one.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: Oh goodness, horrible I mean.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: But some people are just not going to get it.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: Friends, family, may not get what you're going through or not understanding themselves.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: They don't really care to know.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: I mean, as long as they love you, for you, that's all you can really expect out of them.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: But I would say still have that conversation like hey, don't say that out loud, that's fucked up.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: Let's not do this.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: And, of course, expect the unexpected.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: Express oneself without fear of punishments or sense of shoulds.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: Organize based on exploring each other and not in disappointments when needs and demands are not met.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: So basically, don't judge somebody because you're expecting one thing and they do another.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: Just have that conversation and hopefully you won't get judged the way you think and you're feeling, especially if you're talking to a partner.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: Let's not judge our partners for feelings because of an expected response to something.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: Let's talk it out, people, and, of course, once again, always fake it till you make it.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: When feeling strong, think about how you'd like to see yourself, form habits to build resilience towards norms.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: So practice makes perfect.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: Keep going until you get it right.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: Always, always, always practice and if you make a mistake, try to learn from this thing.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: You're going to make a mistake.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: This is with anything, really, but especially with relationship anarchy, because we're breaking the norms.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: And I know for me, when I was very early on, I still had a lot of shoulds, even though I was like, oh, I'm relationship anarchist now, and still fell into the expectation trap.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: It took me making a few big mistakes to realize that, oh, that's how I was thinking.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: That's pretty interesting.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: I still was thinking that way, even though I'm relationship anarchist.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: So I had to take the time to do for me meditation and be like, okay, let me try this differently next time and we're going to go from there and hopefully get a chance to make mistakes again, because it's going to happen.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: Hopefully be surrounded by the correct people and be able to give trust where it's deserved and be vulnerable with people around me so that when I make the mistake next time it's not as bad.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: I mean, it's a comparison word, but hopefully it's not as bad.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: Learn from it next time and not do as damage as was done before.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: But we got to practice people.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: That's where I would say be open and vulnerable and be like, hey, I'm working on this.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: This is a fault of mine and hopefully you don't take it personally, but I am working on this.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, fake it until you make it.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: Practice makes perfect.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: Trust is better.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: Always remember trust.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: People can tell when you don't trust them as well.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: And you're not being vulnerable at the right time.
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: I will tell you that from personal experience.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: That not being vulnerable at the right time, I will tell you that from personal experience, that is a thing.
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: Work on examination, work on establishing regulation with partners and take time for self-work to build trust.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: I mean, if any, if I'm pretty sure I mentioned attachment theory before, but it doesn't matter what you are and whichever end, avoidant or anxious or anywhere in between the smart people therapists and doctors say that self-regulation knowing how much you should self-regulate and how much you should co-regulate so value your solitude and also take time to co-regulate with your partners partner and partners that is one way you become secure.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: That is the number one way that doctors and smart people agree.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: Don't take my word for it.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: Do your own research, it's out there.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: Co-regulation is a big thing to help become more securely attached.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: So hopefully you do that.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: One thing is building trust and also being vulnerable.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: Tell people what you're thinking because, even if you don't say it, people can read your face.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: They know you're well, depending on where they fall on the spectrum, they assume that it's about them.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: So you don't trust them.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: That's basically what it means when you do something.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: So yeah, take it from me Always talk that stuff through Change, through communication.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: Work together for change to break away from norm Not used to solve problems.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: Be explicit about needs and don't mind read like with previous norms and ask questions.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: Good lord, the assumptions are crazy when you try to mind read you should have known is not as a terrible thing to say and think that it's the correct thing to do.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: You got to take the should have's out of there.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: I mean, everybody knows about neuro spicy, neuro divergence, adhdhd, all the d's is person even paying attention is the question?
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: That's the question is the person even paying attention?
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: So being able to um, I me personally, write it down somewhere.
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: I mean, google drive is a thing um, I can't think of the other ones, I'm mind blank, but there's a bunch of cloud drives.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: You can put a, put a document out there for everybody to see.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: Write that shit down.
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: I'm telling you right now, journaling is a big thing too, just so you have a record.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: It's not so much a gotcha thing, okay, it's more so because people forget shit, especially the little shit, and then you can be talking about something like four or five times, and it's not so much to get your partner, it's to make sure you're on the same page.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: So you're circling back on the same shit.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: Hopefully you're working through all those assumptions and expectations and working on it like, oh, we've done this four or five times.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: Now let's try something a little different.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: Maybe we need help, let's go see a therapist, that kind of shit, just so you can have a record of different plays and kinks and stuff like that, and it's like I forget what I'm into.
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: It's like, do I even flog?
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: Oh right, I have floggers.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: It's like I didn't write this down.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: We flogged this before, so we should be good with this.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: Let's move on to something else Literally just paying attention and remembering stuff.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: Okay, customize commitments, design own commitments and freeing from norms dictating what's required for love and to be real.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: Life has to be driven by feelings.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: Each relationship starts from scratch.
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: Take note of your mental state in every situation.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: And then something I learned recently is what's my number?
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: Just know that basically, that concept comes from a theater thing.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: When you're part of an ensemble, as in a relationship, the relationship is not all on you.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: You are part of the relationship.
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: Figure out what part you are, maybe one of usually it's one of two, but maybe it could be one of three if you're in a triad, or one of four if you're in a see, I don't even know what the word is because I don, but it's not allowed, not all in.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: You.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: Work with your partners and, uh, work on getting rid of those norms.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: So that's probably the hardest thing Get rid of the expectation and get rid of that entitlement.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: State your needs, be honest.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: Um, life doesn't have to be driven by feelings, even though everybody you know, feelings are valid.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: Oh good Lord, the definition is horrible.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: Valid is based on truth.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: Everybody has feelings.
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: Everybody has opinions.
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: It does not mean they're true.
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: Don't assume it's true for everybody.
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: You have feelings.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: That is valid.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: Your feelings are not valid because they're not based on truth.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: They're very subjective.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: But you don't need to be driven by those feelings.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: Everybody has feelings.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: You still have to do things.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: I would not have a job if I went off my feelings.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: I would feel like slapping people sometimes because they're just so stupid, saying something stupid and annoying.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: You just want to slap them across the face.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't have a job.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: So obviously you can't go based off feelings.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: Everybody has feelings.
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: But you still got to do the right thing.
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: Quote, unquote right thing what you think is right, ridiculous.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: We still have to do this.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: This is the thing.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: Okay, we don't have to base everything in for feelings and you can't control somebody else's feelings.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: So telling somebody not to do something because you feel bad is incorrect, incorrect way of doing life.
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: Okay, let's work on that, okay.
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: So why relationship anarchy, doing away with expectations?
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: I don't know how many times we have to say this After lots of trust, transparency and difficult conversations, including what did I write here?
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: I can't even read what I wrote Including something, including boundaries yes, including boundaries.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: Always work on those boundaries.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: Unchecked expectations can lead to entitlement and the old accursed relationship escalator.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: Ra people definitely hate this.
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: The worst thing ever is that stupid ass escalator.
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: Ra people definitely hate this.
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: The worst thing ever is that stupid ass escalator.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: Clear communication gives opportunity to decide if interested in the actual relationship, discussion, negotiations, courtesy, listening, led with intent and purpose, help to remove the entitlement.
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: Get out of that escalator.
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: Partners put themselves first, no expectations and welcome change.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: Time together is better and not worrying about resentment Always good stuff.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: Man, I'm going to have to do another deep dive, I'm running out of time, but basically, yeah, all these different things, the relationship escalator is absolutely horrible.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: To recap, what are we talking about here?
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: Do away with expectations okay, we found that.
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: Lots of honesty.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: And then let's see here Clear communication.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: We want clear communication to provide an opportunity, if interest, so just to gauge what people, what everybody, all parties involved are into.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: We need clear communication and then, of course, doing away with expectations.
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: Partners should put themselves first.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: That's all part of the autonomy thing, and then time together is better, and not worrying about resentment.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: So let's see here If we can recap those four points why we are doing relationship anarchy.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: Doing away with expectations Of course I've said this multiple times we don't want to do anything with expectations.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: Clear communication to get rid of those expectations.
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: And then, even though people are putting themselves first, everybody should, you should have a relationship with yourself.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: That should be the number one thing as far as life, I believe.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: And then that gives you the opportunity to think about your time and where you want it to be spent.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: So I don't know if I can reiterate this point enough.
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: Communication gets rid of expectations.
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: Putting yourself first, figures out your time and how you want to spend it with other people.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: Those are the main four points that we practice relationship anarchy and think about those things moving forward.
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: I think it's a way of life, not just a way of doing relationships or a political view Anarchy.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: I need to find that clip and put that in there.
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: I don't remember what movie that was from, but anarchy, I think of it every single time.
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: And no, probably nobody knows what I'm talking about.
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: It's great.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: But yeah, those are the four tenets why we do it and then, of course, how.
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: Always start with communication to get rid of expectations.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: It's really simple.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: So the why and the how is kind of the chicken and egg scenario.
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: Make sure your needs, wishes and desires are met.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: Figure out your orientation exactly.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: You should always have a quote-unquote running inventory.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: You should always have a quote unquote running inventory, taking stock of interpersonal dynamic and questions.
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: Always have questions, asking questions, getting answers.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: Man, I don't even know how to like reiterate this point enough.
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: Expectations are the thief of joy.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: It's just horrible how expectations work and killing relationships Like unspoken.
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: You should speak those expectations.
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: I don't know how many times.
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: Whatever I'm doing, miscommunication kills a lot of things in life, metaphorically, actually, literally.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: Sometimes groups have broken up, friendships have broken up because of expectations.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: It's almost like you should value a good thing as a while at last, because there's gonna be a miscommunication at some point.
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: People are gonna get feelings hurt and then that that ends all that.
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: So it's kind of sad.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: But yeah, I'm rushing here because I'm way over my time limit at this point.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: But that is it for now.
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: With the relationship and inquiry part, one out of like 252 probably be talking about this for a while.
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: It's very, uh, subjective, so it's kind of hard to put it all under one umbrella so people can have something to bounce off of.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: This is a question a lot of people ask the autonomy that's why we do it.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: And getting rid of expectations, hopefully bringing up that communication, and then, uh, everybody is free to do what they want and feelings are hurt less, especially if you know your partner, whoever it is, is like spending time with you.
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: It's like, oh, they really want to be here.
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: It's not something that's an obligation that they had to fulfill and check a box.
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: We want to get that institute, institute, institute Wow, I can't speak Institute, good Lord, institutionalization I'm just going to power through Relationships is terrible.
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: Let's keep that with the people that choose to have that way and their daily meetings on Sundays and some Saturdays or whatever.
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: But we don't want that in relationships.
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: We want people to be there because they enjoy your company.
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: But yeah, this is El Comidon, aka the Cuddle Gigolo, aka Colonel McBee, or HH Julius, or just Julius, if you feel so inclined from around the Kinky Campfire podcast.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: These are the Pillar Fort sessions, even though I said it would be about 30, or just Julius, if you feel so inclined from around the Kinky Campfire podcast.
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: These are the Pillar Fort sessions, even though I said it would be about 30 minutes.
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: I've gone over now but that's fine.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: Sure you're still here.
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: I appreciate it.
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: You can find the podcast on most Thursdays.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: Every other Thursday we're kind of just throwing them in there, trying to get that schedule going.
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: It's been like two years now but still it's a work in progress.
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: But appreciate it.
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: Please give us the ratings, if you can, reviews and all that.
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: Continue to download.
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: I definitely see the downloads.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: Appreciate those people that do it on a regular basis.
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: Even though it comes at this, episodes come out sporadically, but thank you very much for your time.
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: Catch us next time.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: Oh, and if you have any comments or anything or just want to like something, you can go to campfire kinksters.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: If you have any comments or anything or just want to like something, you can go to Campfire Kingsters.
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: Campfire with a K.
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: There's always Campfire with a K on all the different things and then message and like and all those different whatever floats your boat on Instagram.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: But for now that is all I have to say Hello.