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What Really Happens Before Your Ex Reaches Out? · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  Do you think that exes just randomly come back?
• 0:10
  One day they wake up and they think, you know what, I'm going
• 0:13
  to get back with my ex? Nope, that is not how it
• 0:17
  happens. There's a very specific chain of
• 0:19
  events that most people have no idea is even happening.
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  So in this video, I'm going to walk you through exactly what
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  happens before your ex reaches out and what your silence is
• 0:33
  really doing behind the scenes. So if you've been wondering, are
• 0:36
  they thinking about me? Is no contact working?
• 0:40
  Keep watching because I'm going to tell you what really happens
• 0:43
  before your ex comes back. Hi, this is Lucia with the art
• 0:47
  of love. I'm dating and relationship
• 0:50
  experts specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
• 0:54
  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
• 0:57
  contact Army. If you've downloaded my app,
• 0:59
  Silencio, I have exciting news. We are making a major change to
• 1:03
  the app. I'm not going to say what it is
• 1:05
  yet until it's up, but I think you'll like it.
• 1:08
  And don't worry, we're keeping everyone's favorites, the panic
• 1:12
  button and the counter or whatever you want to call it.
• 1:16
  I don't know. That tells you how long you've
• 1:17
  been in no contact, so as soon as that is done, I will let you
• 1:21
  know. And if you too would like to
• 1:24
  join our beautiful no Contact army, all you have to do is hit
• 1:27
  the subscribe button and the bell notification and you're in.
• 1:31
  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 1:36
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 1:39
  All right, so let's get right into it.
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  The first thing that happens before your ex comes back is
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  that they realize that you've stopped chasing them.
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  You're not trying to get them back anymore.
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  You've stopped reaching out, stop checking in, stop doing
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  anything to keep the connection alive.
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  You've finally gone quiet. Now a lot of people hate no
• 2:01
  contact because they think their ex is going to forget them.
• 2:05
  If someone is going to forget you just because you stopped
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  chasing them, then they were never really attached in the
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  first place. So what you're clinging to isn't
• 2:16
  love, it's fear. Fear of being abandoned, fear of
• 2:20
  losing control, and fear that you weren't enough.
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  But if you stay in no contact just to remind them that you
• 2:27
  exist, all you're doing is training them to believe that
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  they can have you on their terms, no effort required.
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  No contact isn't about making them forget you, it's about
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  breaking the pattern that made you so easy to walk away from.
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  People remember what they lose, they forget what's always
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  available. So when you disappear, they
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  finally have to sit with the silence and the consequences of
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  their decision. And that's when clarity hits.
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  So the real question isn't what if they forget me, It's what if
• 3:02
  they never respect me because I couldn't walk away?
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  As I've said many times before, you can't have love without
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  respect. And then there are also people
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  who think that they need to stay in touch otherwise their ex will
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  move on. Well, I have news for you.
• 3:19
  Staying in touch does not stop someone from moving on, but it
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  does stop you from healing. So they get to feel your
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  presence, your interest, your reassurance while they slowly
• 3:32
  detach in peace. I mean, who wouldn't want that?
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  So by the time they actually move on, you're emotionally
• 3:40
  wrecked. And they're fine because they
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  wean themselves off you little by little with your help.
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  They used you to get over you. And you're going to be so mad at
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  yourself when you realize that if someone's going to move on,
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  they're going to do it whether you text them or not.
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  You cannot control that. What you can control is whether
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  you keep your dignity and let them feel your absence.
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  People don't re evaluate something they still have access
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  to. They re evaluate when the axis
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  is gone. OK, so hopefully I've convinced
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  you to get into no contact if you haven't yet and to stay
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  there. So in the beginning, when you do
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  no contact or before that, they thought that you would never
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  stop. They figured, Oh well, she'll
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  always be there, she's not going anywhere.
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  But then finally, the silence hits and they start noticing
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  what's missing. Your energy, your attention,
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  your validation. And at first they feel relieved.
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  They tell themselves they needed the space.
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  But that doesn't last long because the longer your science
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  continues, the louder it gets. And that's the moment everything
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  starts to shift. Next we have the grass is
• 4:57
  greener fantasy, which starts to crumble.
• 5:00
  They thought that life would be better without you.
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  They thought someone you would make them happier, calmer, more
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  fulfilled. But it does not play out that
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  way. If there was a rebound, the
• 5:09
  connection is not the same. It might have been exciting or
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  easy at first, but it's surface level.
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  There's no real depth. And without depth, there's no
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  bond. And then the comparisons start
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  and every comparison reminds them of what they had with you.
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  And in my experience, you only meet someone that you really,
• 5:29
  really connect with about once every 10 years.
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  Yep. So when they realize they threw
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  that away, the regret starts creeping in.
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  Even if they try to hide it now for avoiding XS, their
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  commitment issues resurface. And they have commitment issues
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  not because they don't care, but because closeness feels
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  threatening and when things get deep, they panic.
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  So they convinced themselves they needed space.
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  But now that you're gone, now that you've finally stopped
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  chasing, you're no longer a threat.
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  The pressure is gone, and from their perspective, it feels safe
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  to think about you again. And that's why avoidance often
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  circle back when you finally detach.
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  Because that's the first time they feel that they can come
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  closer without losing control #4 they realize it wasn't you, it
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  was them. It's not you, it's me.
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  So during the relationship, they told themselves that you were
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  the problem. You were too emotional, too
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  demanding, too unavailable, whatever fit their narrative.
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  But then they start dating someone new and what do you
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  know? The same problems show up again.
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  And that's when it finally clicks.
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  Oh my God, they are the common denominator.
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  And that realization hurts. And it's also what cracks their
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  defenses. When they finally see that the
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  issue wasn't you, they begin to see the relationship and you in
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  a completely different light. Isn't that wonderful #5 The
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  uncertainty sets in. So after the breakup, they might
• 7:11
  have felt confident, certain. But as time passes, that
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  certainty fades. They start replaying moments in
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  their mind, the good times, the laughter, the connection.
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  And suddenly they're not so sure anymore.
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  And then selective memory kicks in.
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  They forget the negatives and remember the positives.
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  And then friends and family start asking, wait, you broke up
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  with them? Why?
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  And that only fuels the doubt. They also realize that every day
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  that goes by increases the chances that you might actually
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  move on. That's why it's so important
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  that they don't know that you still want them back when they
• 7:50
  think that you're doing fine. That you can live without them.
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  Then their uncertainty grows, and that's exactly what makes
• 8:00
  them reach out. That's why you want to be
• 8:02
  careful what you say to mutual friends or family.
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  Because word travels fast. So if your ex hears that you're
• 8:10
  still waiting, it's going to kill the mystery.
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  And I did a whole video on that about what to say to family and
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  friends. And I will put the link in the
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  upper right hand corner on YouTube.
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  And when I say put the link in the upper right hand corner, I
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  actually mean that you have to be looking at the video.
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  And when I say I'm putting the link, a little something's gonna
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  pop up then. Yeah, the title of the video is
• 8:31
  gonna pop up because someone said, hey, you never put the
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  link. It's like, yes, I did.
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  You're not looking in the right place, right place.
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  Losing my voice here. OK.
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  And then finally, anxiety takes over.
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  So they start thinking, what if I never find some like them
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  again? And that fear pushes them toward
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  the only thing that ever felt safe.
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  That would be you. But that anxiety has to build.
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  They have to experience life without you.
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  They have to face the loneliness, the quiet.
• 9:01
  Birthdays without a birthday text, right?
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  Stressful moments where you're not there to help.
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  They need to feel the void that you left.
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  If they're not feeling that, if you're still giving them
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  comfort, validation, attention, they'll never miss you enough to
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  come back. That's why no contact is so
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  powerful. It removes the comfort, it
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  forces the contrast, and it lets the reality sink in.
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  And this process takes time. And I actually did a video on
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  that too, about no contact on the power of time.
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  And I will put the link in the upper right hand corner of the
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  video. And just because you don't see
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  evidence of this happening and doesn't mean it's not happening.
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  They're not going to post I miss you.
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  They're not going to tell their friends they're regretting it
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  usually. But behind the scenes it's
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  happening. And when they finally feel the
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  full weight of losing you, that's when they come back.
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  Hallelujah. So now I want to hear from you.
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  How long have you been in no contact and how is it going?
• 10:08
  And if you would like my help to get your ex back, you can
• 10:11
  contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
• 10:15
  will send you the rates. They are not on the website.
• 10:18
  If you found this video helpful, be sure to subscribe so you
• 10:21
  don't miss future videos. If you're listening to this as a
• 10:24
  podcast, also be sure to subscribe so you don't miss
• 10:28
  future episodes. And finally, remember, love
• 10:30
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.