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Mojo Monday - Are You Setting Dead Person Goals? · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, it's Carli here and welcome to you this
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: week's Mojo Monday. So today I want to talk about
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: a concept that I first heard from Russ Harris, who
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  Speaker 1: is the author of The Happiness Trap, brilliant book and
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  Speaker 1: an expert in acceptance and commitment therapy.
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  Speaker 2: And it's called dead person's goals.
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  Speaker 1: So let me explain, because I know that sounds a
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  Speaker 1: little gruesome, but a dead person's goal is any goal
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  Speaker 1: that a dead person could do better than you. And
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  Speaker 1: I know that sounds really weird, but it's actually a
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  Speaker 1: really helpful way to recognize the kind of goals that
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  Speaker 1: can really keep us stuck. So here are a few examples.
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  Speaker 1: I want to stop feeling anxious. I want to stop overthinking.
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  Speaker 1: I want to I never lose.
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  Speaker 2: My temper again.
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  Speaker 1: I want to just stop being so sensitive. And then
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  Speaker 1: here are some behavioral ones. I want to stop drinking alcohol,
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  Speaker 1: I want to stop emotional eating. I want to stop
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  Speaker 1: checking my phone all the time. Now, the thing is
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  Speaker 1: that these goals, what they have in common is that
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  Speaker 1: they're all about stopping something. They're about removing or avoiding
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  Speaker 1: something that's uncomfortable. So whether it's an emotion or a behavior,
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  Speaker 1: And here's the problem with this, or here's what can
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  Speaker 1: be the problem. Dead people do those goals better than
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  Speaker 1: we do. Why Because they don't drink, they don't scroll
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  Speaker 1: on social media, they don't overthink, they never feel anxious,
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  Speaker 1: and they never get annoyed.
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  Speaker 2: But you do.
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  Speaker 1: Because you're alive and you're human, so you're engaged with
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  Speaker 1: the world around you, and that include these this landscape
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  Speaker 1: of emotions that we feel. It includes our habits, the
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  Speaker 1: things that we consistently do every single day, which includes
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  Speaker 1: the urges and the temptations and the frustrations. It includes
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  Speaker 1: all of it. So what's the alternative? What else can
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  Speaker 1: we do well given we are alive. Let's look at
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  Speaker 1: this from a live person's goal. So that's a goal
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  Speaker 1: based on action, a goal based on intention and values,
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  Speaker 1: a goal you can actually do, rather than a goal
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  Speaker 1: to stop doing something. So let me give you some examples.
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  Speaker 1: So instead of I want to stop emotional eating, you
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  Speaker 1: could reframe this too, I want to nourish my body
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  Speaker 1: with food that supports my energy and well being. Instead
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  Speaker 1: of I want to stop drinking wine every night, you
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  Speaker 1: could try I want to support my health and my
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  Speaker 1: sleep by creating an evening routine that helps me unwind
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  Speaker 1: with our alcohol. And then from there you set the
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  Speaker 1: goals of the tasks. What you need to do instead
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  Speaker 1: of I want to stop checking my phone constantly, this
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  Speaker 1: is one that I need to do instead of that,
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  Speaker 1: I want to be more present by setting phone free
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  Speaker 1: times so I can focus on what's truly meaningful, like
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  Speaker 1: connecting with others or getting into deep work, and then
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  Speaker 1: you work out what that looks like for you. So
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  Speaker 1: these aren't about being a perfect person, but they are
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  Speaker 1: about aligning your actions with what matters. And here's where
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  Speaker 1: it gets even more helpful. Behind every live person's goal
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  Speaker 1: is a value. So if being calm with your kids
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  Speaker 1: is important to you, that's a value.
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  Speaker 2: If being present with the people around you.
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  Speaker 1: Is important, then that's a value. If treating your body
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  Speaker 1: with care is important, then that's a value. So values
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  Speaker 1: give you direction. They act like a compass, and you
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  Speaker 1: don't have to feel one hundred percent motivated or in
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  Speaker 1: control to actually.
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  Speaker 2: Live your values.
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  Speaker 1: You just need to get really clear on what matters
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  Speaker 1: and then take that next step, that next small action
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  Speaker 1: in that direction. So if you're feeling stuck in I
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  Speaker 1: just want to stop doing this but I can't stop
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  Speaker 1: because let's face it, it's really hard to stop doing things.
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  Speaker 1: If that's your goal, then pause for a second and
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  Speaker 1: ask yourself, what do I want to move towards? What
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  Speaker 1: kind of person do I want to be in this situation,
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  Speaker 1: and what value is important to me. So, if it's
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  Speaker 1: important that you are calm around your kids and that
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  Speaker 1: you want to be a good role model, but you
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  Speaker 1: find that you're getting angry and yelling at your kids,
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  Speaker 1: you want to that's what you want to stop doing.
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  Speaker 1: Then you get in touch with that value. I want
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  Speaker 1: to be a calm parent, I want to be a
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  Speaker 1: good role model for my kids. That's what you tap
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  Speaker 1: into because that's the shift from the dead person's goal
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  Speaker 1: to the live person's goal. It goes from avoidance to
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  Speaker 1: engagement and from control trying to control your emotions to
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  Speaker 1: getting clear on what your actions are.
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  Speaker 2: So this week, ask yourself, are you.
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  Speaker 1: Setting or aiming for dead person's goals? What would a
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  Speaker 1: live values aligned goal look like instead? Because that's your compass.
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  Speaker 1: That's the compass pointing in the direction of how you
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  Speaker 1: want to behave in this situation, and how you want
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  Speaker 1: to behave despite how you feel. Because that's what you
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  Speaker 1: can control. You can't control the urgers, you can't control
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  Speaker 1: the emotions that come up. You ride those waves, but
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  Speaker 1: it's that values driven compass that points you in the
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  Speaker 1: direction of how you want to behave. So this week,
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  Speaker 1: I invite you to reframe your goals, reframe them from
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  Speaker 1: a dead person's goal to a live person's goal, and
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  Speaker 1: make it about action, action that is aligned to what
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  Speaker 1: is deeply important to you. And then you consistently do
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  Speaker 1: those behaviors every single day. Okay, good luck everyone, and
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  Speaker 1: I hope you have a great week and I will
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  Speaker 1: see you next Monday. See ya.