Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 257. I Screamed At My Kids. Then I Cried in the shower drowning in guilt

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257. I Screamed At My Kids. Then I Cried in the shower drowning in guilt · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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Speaker 1: Apoday Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy
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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
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Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
0:20
Speaker 1: We'd help you. Shehad the shame grow to a new level.
0:23
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:26
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
0:28
Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of Selfhillo.
0:31
Speaker 1: Everybody, Welcome back to another episode of She Rises Today.
0:34
Speaker 1: I've got a pretty vulnerable episode that if I'm being honest,
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Speaker 1: I'm feeling a little bit vulnerable and a little bit
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Speaker 1: scared to talk about in and around parenting and guilt
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Speaker 1: and shame and things that happen in our parenting journey.
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Speaker 1: I think there's a lot of judgment, criticism, expectations on
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Speaker 1: what's right and wrong and how we are a good
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Speaker 1: mum or a bad mum, And it is a scary
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Speaker 1: topic to talk about online. But I also know that
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Speaker 1: so many other mothers that would feel how I feel.
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Speaker 1: But before we get into all of that, what is
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Speaker 1: your share of the week.
1:00
Speaker 2: My Share of the Week is actually a product that
1:03
Speaker 2: I've been using. If you guys haven't listened to the
1:04
Speaker 2: pop last episode with Renee from the Skin Clinic, she
1:08
Speaker 2: showed us and gone down my own journey with skin now,
1:11
Speaker 2: which has been amazing and she's been super helpful. It's
1:13
Speaker 2: actually her brand called Annointase Skin and it's a multi
1:16
Speaker 2: peptide serum. It's actually felt really good on my skin.
1:19
Speaker 2: And I feel like, just since going down this and
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Speaker 2: like hydrating my skin and like actually addressing my skin
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Speaker 2: head on, I feel like my skin has been the
1:27
Speaker 2: complexion has been nice, my pores look smaller, my skin
1:30
Speaker 2: looks so hydrated. I don't get dry and flaky like
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Speaker 2: I used to as well. And I feel like this
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Speaker 2: product has been really awesome for me.
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Speaker 1: I really like it too. I really like it cool. Hey,
1:38
Speaker 1: and it's so nice. Yeah, and it absorbs really well,
1:41
Speaker 1: whereas some skin products, you know, when it sits on
1:43
Speaker 1: top of your skin and if you put something else
1:44
Speaker 1: on top, it kind of rolls off. Yeah, this just
1:46
Speaker 1: absorbs like a big drink for your skin. Yeah. I
1:48
Speaker 1: remember you saying that.
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Speaker 2: Actually tried it actually, and I was what a good
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Speaker 2: representation of like how it feels. Yeah, So that's been
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Speaker 2: really cool and I'm definitely all into peptides at the moment,
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Speaker 2: and I think it's such a cool way to do health.
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Speaker 2: And also this is a really cool way as well
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Speaker 2: topically to be able to like still utilize them without
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Speaker 2: going down the full.
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Speaker 1: So I thought that was awesome. Yeah, it's got gkhu
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Speaker 1: in it and let people use that on their scalp
2:09
Speaker 1: as well, gkchu to help like grow the hair. Oh wow, Yeah,
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Speaker 1: I've sending up the tiktoks and I'm like, oh, that's cool.
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Speaker 2: Good to know.
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Speaker 1: So if you're not wanting to inject it, this is
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Speaker 1: a way that you can reply it to your skin
2:17
Speaker 1: or your scalp. Love that it's cool. Mine is an electrolyte.
2:21
Speaker 1: I'm really into my electrolytes at the moment, and I
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Speaker 1: just love anything flavored. So I drink a lot of water,
2:26
Speaker 1: but if I can flavor and have some fun drinks,
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Speaker 1: I'm all for it. And this brand is called body Armor,
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Speaker 1: and they just have so many different flavors pineapple, black currant, lemon, lime.
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Speaker 1: This is not sponsored by the way, purchased it myself,
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Speaker 1: but they're just really yummy with electrolytes, vidamins, minerals, and
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Speaker 1: it's just a nice way to start my day. Sometimes
2:41
Speaker 1: I still have my love and water, but I really
2:43
Speaker 1: like starting my day with something flavored.
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Speaker 2: The back Current one is really good.
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Speaker 1: It's so good, isn't it? Yes?
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Speaker 2: Yummy?
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Speaker 1: Yes, Okay, let's get into today's episode, bring.
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Speaker 2: It in to bring it in. So proud of you
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Speaker 2: for talking about this. Thank you for just normalizing the
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Speaker 2: challenges that come with parenting and just the real and
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Speaker 2: raw moments. I think everyone who is a parent or
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Speaker 2: you know, aspiring parent will really appreciate the vulnerability.
3:03
Speaker 1: Of today's thank you. It is really scary to talk
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Speaker 1: about because I feel like I already get judged for
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Speaker 1: different things I do and the way I do things,
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Speaker 1: And unfortunately that is a part of putting yourself out
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Speaker 1: there online, but doesn't make it any easier. But I
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Speaker 1: saw another woman that I follow online talk about her
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Speaker 1: yelling at her kids, and this probably happens like every
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Speaker 1: couple of weeks. She'll jump on and she's like, I'm
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Speaker 1: never going to pretend I'm a perfect parent. And as
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Speaker 1: much as a gentle parent I try and meditate, I
3:27
Speaker 1: do all the things I still yell at my children.
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Speaker 1: I feel so guilty about it. And when I was
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Speaker 1: reading her talking about it. It just made me not
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Speaker 1: feel so shameful when I have my lower moments. So
3:36
Speaker 1: to paint the picture, I had had a really stressful week.
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Speaker 1: It's been a really heavy work season for Steve and I.
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Speaker 1: It's been a harder year. I had a really great year,
3:45
Speaker 1: all the things put in altogether coexisting, but the stress
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Speaker 1: level has been a lot. And with Steve and I,
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Speaker 1: he's in a very thick work season. We haven't had
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Speaker 1: a lot of time for just us to have fun,
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Speaker 1: to connect. It's literally parenting work, parenting work, and that's
4:01
Speaker 1: the season we're in at the moment, and we just
4:02
Speaker 1: have to accept that. But there's some time too where
4:05
Speaker 1: I don't feel like I have enough time to take
4:08
Speaker 1: care of me as much as what I would like
4:09
Speaker 1: to because I'm taking the kids a lot more from him,
4:11
Speaker 1: so you can work nights and weekends and all the
4:14
Speaker 1: kind of things. And this week it was a week
4:15
Speaker 1: before my period, so that heidens everything. I was sleeping
4:19
Speaker 1: very very badly because I was stressed, and when I
4:21
Speaker 1: go to bed at night, my mind just goes crazy,
4:23
Speaker 1: and I was waking up between one and three in
4:25
Speaker 1: the morning. It's very early time to start your day
4:28
Speaker 1: and then obviously having to go to work and show
4:30
Speaker 1: up online and be a mum, and it's just feeling
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Speaker 1: a lot. And I hadn't been in my sauna for
4:33
Speaker 1: proably two weeks, and my sauna is my time for me,
4:36
Speaker 1: even though half the time I can still hear the
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Speaker 1: kids screaming and fighting in the background because they're just
4:40
Speaker 1: fighting like cats and dogs at the moment. But I
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Speaker 1: decided today, like I really need a sauna and I
4:44
Speaker 1: just need fifteen minutes where I'm not need it. I
4:47
Speaker 1: just need a bit of time to myself. And I
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Speaker 1: said to Steve, Babe, I'm going in the sauna. Just
4:51
Speaker 1: need you to take the kids. You guys, please stop fighting.
4:54
Speaker 1: I just need some quiet time, just talk to each
4:56
Speaker 1: other with inside voices, like I fully prepped them asked
4:59
Speaker 1: for a mission. I'm like, just Mommy just needs a moment, Okay.
5:02
Speaker 1: You know how you guys get like Settaj and how
5:04
Speaker 1: you go overwhelmed some time, That's how I'm feeling. I
5:06
Speaker 1: just need to like go in the sauna. Anyways, When
5:09
Speaker 1: in there, Tyler's coming in three or four times, Taj
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Speaker 1: came in three or four times. They were fighting back
5:14
Speaker 1: and forth, I've been out of the sauna, in and
5:16
Speaker 1: now of the sauna probably like five times by now
5:17
Speaker 1: to ask them to chill out. Steve's they're with them,
5:20
Speaker 1: and he's potting around doing the washing whatever. I could
5:23
Speaker 1: just feel my blood boiling and they were screaming and
5:26
Speaker 1: fighting about something, and I lost it. I stormed out
5:30
Speaker 1: of the sauna. It was like an outer body experience. Normally,
5:33
Speaker 1: I can catch myself when I feel disregulated, and I
5:36
Speaker 1: can take myself outside and I can breathe, and I
5:38
Speaker 1: can just give myself a moment. I was in the sauna.
5:40
Speaker 1: I should have just breathed in hindsight, but I just
5:43
Speaker 1: I lost it and I went inside and I was like,
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Speaker 1: both of you, get to your bedrooms. And I've never
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Speaker 1: sent my kids to their bedrooms. Their bedrooms for me
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Speaker 1: is their safe place. I don't believe in time out.
5:53
Speaker 1: I believe in time in. I will sit with them,
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Speaker 1: I will coregulate with them, I will take them outside,
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Speaker 1: I will talk, I will do what I can to
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Speaker 1: soothe together. And I just couldn't. I just lost it.
6:03
Speaker 1: And Steve was out doing the washing, so he was
6:04
Speaker 1: oblivious to what was going on. So I was like,
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Speaker 1: both of you get to your room, you guys can't
6:09
Speaker 1: get along, and he to separate you like tash your room,
6:12
Speaker 1: Tar to your room. And Taj is very soft and sensitive,
6:15
Speaker 1: so that just didn't obviously go down with him, so
6:17
Speaker 1: he started crying. Tala doesn't like, obviously to be told
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Speaker 1: off or no or anything, so she's crying. And then
6:23
Speaker 1: I stormed out to Steve and I went off at him.
6:25
Speaker 1: I was like, babe, you're there to be with the kids.
6:27
Speaker 1: I just wanted twenty minutes in diauner and I start crying,
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Speaker 1: and then he obviously got triggered because I've come in
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Speaker 1: attacking him, and he said, Babe, I'm literally doing the washing,
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Speaker 1: like I'm out here for two minutes. It's okay if
6:38
Speaker 1: they argue, like I'll get to the min a second.
6:40
Speaker 1: I'm like no, no, no, like I just wanted the
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Speaker 1: noise to stop. And I just lost it, and the
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Speaker 1: guilt just came over me, and I started to spiral
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Speaker 1: in my head of like you're a bad mum. You
6:53
Speaker 1: should have breathed, you should have controlled yourself. Now both
6:56
Speaker 1: kids are crying, You've attacked your husband. You're a horrible person.
6:58
Speaker 1: I just spiraled and then I caught it, and I
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Speaker 1: was like, Okay, you've done this, now you need to
7:03
Speaker 1: go on repair. So I went into Taj first because
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Speaker 1: I knew he's old, and I feel like I can
7:09
Speaker 1: have a conversation with him and explain and like regulate
7:12
Speaker 1: with him quicker than what I could Tala. So Steve
7:14
Speaker 1: and taler and gave her cuddles, and I went into
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Speaker 1: Taj and explained to him and we sat and chat
7:19
Speaker 1: and he was upset and he wasn't actually upset at me.
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Speaker 1: He was upset at Tala and what was going on
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Speaker 1: with that. I'm not angry. I am angry because Tala
7:25
Speaker 1: did this and it's her fault. Da da da. She
7:27
Speaker 1: just tried to hold space for him, corregulated with him
7:30
Speaker 1: for a moment. Then he got distracted by his fish
7:32
Speaker 1: and he was all good, loves the fish. The fish
7:35
Speaker 1: went into her and she just wanted cuddle. So i'd
7:38
Speaker 1: sat with her, and I think with that age, there
7:40
Speaker 1: needs to be a lot of regulation and soothing before
7:42
Speaker 1: you try and have a conversation. So I just cuddled
7:45
Speaker 1: with her, rocked with her. She's sucking a thumb, snuggling
7:48
Speaker 1: in and then once I felt like she was calm.
7:50
Speaker 1: Then I asked what happened, and then I bought taj
7:53
Speaker 1: in and like it was fine in the end, and
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Speaker 1: I apologized to both of them, and very fast to
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Speaker 1: repair with them, not as fast with Steve. Very fast
7:59
Speaker 1: to repair with my children. Sorry, babe, he's maybe half
8:03
Speaker 1: an hour later. But I repaired them, said sorry and whatever,
8:06
Speaker 1: and it was all fine in the end. But I
8:08
Speaker 1: just went into the sauna, back into the sword of
8:09
Speaker 1: ten minutes and I'm in the shower and I just cried,
8:11
Speaker 1: sat on the shower floor and I cried and cried
8:14
Speaker 1: and cried like fifteen minutes, and I drowned in guilt
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Speaker 1: and in shame. And it's just a horrible feeling. As
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Speaker 1: a mum. There is so much pressure and expectation from
8:24
Speaker 1: the outside world, yes, but from ourselves to be this
8:28
Speaker 1: perfect mum that never loses a shit, never yells, never
8:32
Speaker 1: says the wrong thing, never does something to hurt them
8:35
Speaker 1: or upset them, and the moment we have a weak
8:37
Speaker 1: moment or a low moment or a human moment, because
8:40
Speaker 1: if this is my friend, I'd be so validating. Like
8:43
Speaker 1: if Mey came to me and said, you know, I'm
8:44
Speaker 1: going through a hard time, and I'd be old at them.
8:46
Speaker 1: I'd be like, look what you're holding. Yeah, you are human,
8:49
Speaker 1: you are not perfect. Your kids don't expect you to
8:51
Speaker 1: be perfect ninety five percent time. You're an incredible mum,
8:54
Speaker 1: But when it comes to yourself, you just don't give
8:55
Speaker 1: yourself that grace. Maybe in hindsight later on and now
8:58
Speaker 1: I can.
8:59
Speaker 2: But not in the moment. In the moment, shame and
9:01
Speaker 2: the guilt and you're telling yourself you're a bad mom.
9:03
Speaker 2: It's like you would never say that to a friend
9:05
Speaker 2: or a loved one.
9:06
Speaker 1: I ever imagine logically know this. I talk about this
9:09
Speaker 1: on the podcast, but in it, when you're triggered, and
9:12
Speaker 1: once you've hit that spiral, it is so hard to
9:14
Speaker 1: pull yourself out. I'm going to cry now it's okay,
9:17
Speaker 1: But I literally remember going for a walk with you
9:19
Speaker 1: the next day and I just cried the whole time.
9:21
Speaker 1: I was like, I just feel like such a shit mum.
9:24
Speaker 1: That's crazy. In that moment, all the good stuff you've
9:27
Speaker 1: done with them for how many years just goes out
9:29
Speaker 1: the window. That one moment, you just make it mean
9:32
Speaker 1: so much more than what it is.
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Speaker 2: So the shame is so heavy in that moment so heavy,
9:38
Speaker 2: and then you discount and discredit all the times that
9:40
Speaker 2: you have been the day you showed up and you
9:41
Speaker 2: were regulated and you I'll sue them or you. You
9:45
Speaker 2: were there for them the moment that they had a
9:46
Speaker 2: tantrum more than they would have a human moment, and
9:48
Speaker 2: you were there for them. I'm saying to you that morning,
9:50
Speaker 2: I'm like, Babe, this doesn't make you a bad mom.
9:53
Speaker 1: But you think in that moment if no, logically you
9:55
Speaker 1: know you're not. Like I'm very proud of how I
9:57
Speaker 1: am as a mother, especially all the patterns and cycles
10:00
Speaker 1: and things that I've had to break, and because I've
10:02
Speaker 1: done a lot of inner child work and I'm very
10:05
Speaker 1: connected to my and a child. When I yelled at
10:08
Speaker 1: the kids, I could just see my little girl and
10:11
Speaker 1: how scared I was growing up. And my yelling that
10:13
Speaker 1: I got from my stepfather was a daily occurrence. It
10:17
Speaker 1: was all the time. I was always scared, always worried
10:19
Speaker 1: when he was going to lose his shit next. But
10:21
Speaker 1: especially Tyle because maybe because she's a girl and I'm
10:24
Speaker 1: a girl. When I raise my voice, I just see
10:26
Speaker 1: my little girl, and I'm like, I don't want to
10:28
Speaker 1: do that to my kids. I don't ever want them
10:30
Speaker 1: being scared of me. So just like brought up all
10:33
Speaker 1: of that as well, which is beautiful as I get
10:34
Speaker 1: to meet myself in those moments as well as meet them,
10:37
Speaker 1: and I think that's why just a hard moment, but
10:40
Speaker 1: I don't want to yell at them or raise my
10:41
Speaker 1: voice because I know how scary that was when I
10:43
Speaker 1: was a little girl. But in those moments, it is
10:47
Speaker 1: just so hard to pull yourself out. Yeah, and that's
10:49
Speaker 1: why I bought it into you so I could talk
10:50
Speaker 1: about it. And I even felt shameful like not you,
10:53
Speaker 1: but just like talking about it, and that's not even
10:55
Speaker 1: now it's like hard to talk about it because you
10:57
Speaker 1: know they're going to get backlash and people that judge you.
11:00
Speaker 1: But I just don't want any other mom in that
11:02
Speaker 1: spiral moment, like I hope maybe I'll pop into the
11:05
Speaker 1: head and be like, oh, actually spoke about this, she repaired,
11:08
Speaker 1: you know, she owned it. Yes, it's hard, but we
11:11
Speaker 1: all have moments like that. I just think any mom
11:13
Speaker 1: that thinks I don't have a moment like that, I mean,
11:15
Speaker 1: if you don't, amazing, like fucking deserve a gold metal
11:18
Speaker 1: But most of us do have moments like that, and
11:20
Speaker 1: I don't think we deserve to go down that shame
11:22
Speaker 1: spiral where we as such bullies to ourselves, because it
11:26
Speaker 1: doesn't achieve anything. It just makes you feel like absolute shite.
11:29
Speaker 1: And you, as a mom, are already holding so much
11:31
Speaker 1: and doing so much for them and always showing up
11:34
Speaker 1: for them when you're sick, when you're tired, when you're
11:36
Speaker 1: just regulated, when you don't have capacity, when you've got
11:38
Speaker 1: a million bills or stressful things to think about, and
11:41
Speaker 1: you still show up for them every single day, Like
11:43
Speaker 1: that's something to be so proud of. So to have
11:45
Speaker 1: a human moment is normal and it's okay. I think
11:48
Speaker 1: it's powerful to allow yourself.
11:50
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm not a parent, but I in any
11:51
Speaker 2: area of life, it's powerful to give yourself permission to
11:54
Speaker 2: have human moments so that you can recover from the quickly,
11:58
Speaker 2: because if you don't, and you're normally as somebody who's
12:00
Speaker 2: really hard on yourself, lots of head noise, lots of
12:03
Speaker 2: self doubt in those triggered moments, sometimes that can last
12:06
Speaker 2: for three weeks, and then how you show up after
12:09
Speaker 2: that in those three weeks because you're shaming yourself and
12:11
Speaker 2: you're telling yourself you're a bad mum, person, parent, friend,
12:15
Speaker 2: You just spiral even more and then it becomes something
12:17
Speaker 2: that you start to drown in, as opposed to like
12:20
Speaker 2: what I'm hearing that you did with the kids is,
12:23
Speaker 2: oh shit, I'm just going to own this moment. I
12:25
Speaker 2: made a mistake. I had a human moment, But like,
12:27
Speaker 2: what's important is what I do after that human moment.
12:29
Speaker 2: And we talk about this often in friendships, in relationships
12:32
Speaker 2: and every dynamic recovery. It's not about what happens, it's
12:35
Speaker 2: about how quickly you can repair, how good you are repairing.
12:38
Speaker 2: Any relationship coach or parenting coach or anything I imagine
12:41
Speaker 2: will say the same thing. Definitely, giving yourself permission to
12:45
Speaker 2: be messy, to not be perfect, not have to show
12:47
Speaker 2: up one hundred percent perfectly all of the time, I
12:50
Speaker 2: think makes it easier when you do have those little
12:52
Speaker 2: moments where you're just like today, I just like I
12:54
Speaker 2: couldn't hold it together. Today is heavy, Today is hard.
12:57
Speaker 2: Today feels more challenging than most days. And that's also
13:00
Speaker 2: okay too.
13:01
Speaker 1: Yeah, and Taj is very emotionally intelligent, So I think
13:04
Speaker 1: it's called the conversation I can have with him at
13:06
Speaker 1: this age if I ever ask him for feedback, which
13:08
Speaker 1: I do this quite often, right now, what is mommy
13:10
Speaker 1: doing really good at with parenting? And what could I
13:13
Speaker 1: improve on? And it's always good to get that feedback.
13:15
Speaker 1: But we get into these really cool conversations of why,
13:18
Speaker 1: like say, yelling for me. He doesn't like when I
13:19
Speaker 1: use a stern voice. I'm like, okay, cool. So when
13:22
Speaker 1: I've asked you to put your shoes on nine times
13:24
Speaker 1: and you still haven't done it, that's when my stern
13:26
Speaker 1: voice normally comes in. How else can I get through
13:29
Speaker 1: to you? So I don't have to ask you nine times?
13:31
Speaker 1: Because if you had to ask me nine times something,
13:34
Speaker 1: do you think you'd be frustrated? He's like, yeah, do
13:36
Speaker 1: you think you'd be annoyed? Angry, upset, disappointed that I'm
13:40
Speaker 1: not listening to you? Would that make you feel considered,
13:43
Speaker 1: cared for, loved? He gets it, like that's how I feel.
13:46
Speaker 1: So when it gets to the night the tenth eleventh
13:47
Speaker 1: time that I've asked you to put your shoes on,
13:49
Speaker 1: I'm getting stretched and I'm getting really frustrated now, and
13:52
Speaker 1: that comes out in a stern voice so to prevent
13:53
Speaker 1: me having a stern voice because you've expressed you don't
13:55
Speaker 1: like that. What's the way that we can get you
13:57
Speaker 1: to get shoes on the first time? Yeah, to prevent
13:59
Speaker 1: this happening. And even last night he yelled at Tala
14:02
Speaker 1: because Tala overfed his fish and he's very tough that fish,
14:06
Speaker 1: and he yelled and yelled and yelled at her, and
14:08
Speaker 1: I had to pull him aside and say, like, remember
14:11
Speaker 1: when Mummy yells and we all do it, you have
14:13
Speaker 1: every right to be angry. Right now, I would be
14:15
Speaker 1: so angry. He's like, she needs to learn a lesson.
14:18
Speaker 1: That said, okay, so when I yell at you, do
14:19
Speaker 1: think it's the best way for fud learn a lesson?
14:21
Speaker 1: And I caught him in that moment. He could just
14:23
Speaker 1: see that instant like he realized. He's like, no, but
14:25
Speaker 1: I don't want to do it again. I said, I
14:27
Speaker 1: understand that, and we can have that conversation with her,
14:30
Speaker 1: but yelling at her, just like when I yell at
14:32
Speaker 1: you and I say sorry, it's not the way to
14:33
Speaker 1: do it. That's where the guild comes in too, because
14:35
Speaker 1: I'm like, if I yell now, I can see he
14:37
Speaker 1: picks up on that to be heard, to be seen,
14:40
Speaker 1: for his point to get across. So that's when like
14:42
Speaker 1: the gil comes in too, because you know they pick
14:44
Speaker 1: up and learn from you. Yeah, that's why I'm like,
14:47
Speaker 1: I hate when I yelled. I'm like, I don't want
14:48
Speaker 1: them to think that's the way to deal with conflict. Kids.
14:51
Speaker 2: There a mirror are they?
14:52
Speaker 1: Are they.
14:54
Speaker 2: Cool too? We talk about this often about in any
14:57
Speaker 2: area of life, being a role model and like what
14:59
Speaker 2: we want other people to do. It's like being able
15:01
Speaker 2: to do that first and foremost so that we can then, yeah,
15:04
Speaker 2: be the wrong model through action, not through words. And
15:07
Speaker 2: I feel like that's a really cool thing. I mean,
15:09
Speaker 2: I imagine it is about being a parent.
15:11
Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's just interesting. Depending on how you were
15:13
Speaker 1: brought up, you either continue the same patterns or you
15:15
Speaker 1: do the complete opposite. And it's interesting with yelling. It's
15:17
Speaker 1: something I've had to be so conscious of and still
15:19
Speaker 1: have moments for because I knew I didn't want to
15:22
Speaker 1: yell at my kids. I find it hard sometimes when
15:24
Speaker 1: I'm trying to control the noise and I'm just regulated,
15:27
Speaker 1: but then say like smacking, I'm not even tempted. Yeah,
15:29
Speaker 1: there's not one part of me that ever raises a
15:32
Speaker 1: hand or wants to hit my child out a frustration. Ever, Yeah,
15:35
Speaker 1: I don't know, But why is it yelling so much
15:37
Speaker 1: harder than the hitting? The hitting there's not even one
15:39
Speaker 1: part in me that's ever ever considered that. But with yelling,
15:42
Speaker 1: it's like this natural response that I get, I think
15:45
Speaker 1: from my upbring just growing up in a household full
15:47
Speaker 1: of yelling. And if you're listening to this, maybe yelling's
15:50
Speaker 1: not your thing, maybe it's something else, But just to
15:52
Speaker 1: be aware of, like where it came from. It's not
15:53
Speaker 1: to blame. It's like, Okay, I have compassion understanding where
15:56
Speaker 1: that's come from, and to be so conscious to catch
15:59
Speaker 1: it as much as you can, and if you can't
16:01
Speaker 1: catch it, and you have a moment like I did
16:03
Speaker 1: the other night, to repair fast to own it. At
16:06
Speaker 1: our retreats, we do something called a burning ceremony and
16:09
Speaker 1: it's so beautiful and so powerful. I've actually done a
16:12
Speaker 1: video that I want to post on my Instagram reels
16:14
Speaker 1: about this, because I think this is another thing that
16:16
Speaker 1: people don't speak about, and it's the guilt and shame
16:18
Speaker 1: around being two versions of you for two different kids,
16:21
Speaker 1: and this has come up in a couple of burning
16:23
Speaker 1: ceremonies for me, and it's like, I wish Taj got
16:26
Speaker 1: the version of me now that Tarla has gotten her
16:28
Speaker 1: whole life. But when I had him, I was anxious.
16:32
Speaker 1: I was overworked. I had a lot of pressure. As
16:34
Speaker 1: a peak of my career, I had people living and
16:36
Speaker 1: working my house all the time. I was just regulated.
16:39
Speaker 1: I've never done any type of breath. I didn't know
16:41
Speaker 1: how to take a full breath. There was a time
16:44
Speaker 1: that I didn't want to be here when he was
16:45
Speaker 1: one and I was going through intense online bullying, and
16:47
Speaker 1: I just know he didn't get the best version of me,
16:49
Speaker 1: and I have a lot of guilt and shame around that.
16:52
Speaker 1: Whereas Tyler, I feel like she just had the best life.
16:54
Speaker 1: She's had two very calm regulated parents. Apart from my
16:57
Speaker 1: human moments, which is not very often, like ninety percent
17:00
Speaker 1: of the time, ninety five ercent of the time, She's
17:03
Speaker 1: just had very calm regulated parents. So much fun. Yes,
17:07
Speaker 1: we have stress, we know how to manage and hold
17:09
Speaker 1: it a lot better than what we used to back then.
17:11
Speaker 1: Was a look back at Taj and I was just
17:12
Speaker 1: the most anxious mum and it just he would have
17:14
Speaker 1: felt all of that, and I hate that he had
17:17
Speaker 1: to have that version of me. And I know I
17:18
Speaker 1: was doing the best I could with what I had
17:20
Speaker 1: and have compassion for that, but that guilt still comes
17:23
Speaker 1: up for me. I find that hard to move through,
17:26
Speaker 1: and I wish that was spoken about more because I
17:29
Speaker 1: think it would dissolve any more guilt that other moms
17:31
Speaker 1: are holding as well. And I know if it's something
17:33
Speaker 1: that will always sit me, but the more I talk
17:35
Speaker 1: about it, the less bigger it feels for me. It
17:38
Speaker 1: helps to talk about it and release it in the
17:40
Speaker 1: burning ceremonies, And even though it's come up twice to
17:42
Speaker 1: me in the burning ceremonies, it feels each time I
17:45
Speaker 1: do that, it feels less heavy. I feel less alone
17:48
Speaker 1: in it because I'm being seen in it, in a
17:50
Speaker 1: safe and brier with other women and.
17:51
Speaker 2: With other mothers being held in it, being.
17:54
Speaker 1: Held in it, which I think is really powerful. That's
17:56
Speaker 1: a powerful thing about that burning ceremonies, Like whatever everyone's
17:59
Speaker 1: bringing in, it's this circle. We're all holding hands and
18:03
Speaker 1: it's like this safe container of energy, of love, of compassion,
18:06
Speaker 1: and to be seen in that it just I can't
18:08
Speaker 1: actually explain in words, because you have to be there
18:10
Speaker 1: to feel that, and everyone's crying and everyone's feeling everyone's pain,
18:15
Speaker 1: including us. Gosh, I wish there's a way that you
18:17
Speaker 1: could describe that, but you can't. You just have to
18:20
Speaker 1: be there. But we do it at every single one
18:21
Speaker 1: of our retreats for that reason, because it's so beautiful.
18:24
Speaker 2: Even some of the girls like there are some really
18:26
Speaker 2: powerful things that we have at the retreats, but there
18:28
Speaker 2: have been a couple of girls who have said that
18:29
Speaker 2: the burning ceremony is the most powerful part or their
18:32
Speaker 2: favorite part, because it is it's those things that you
18:36
Speaker 2: could be at the retreat for the first two days
18:38
Speaker 2: and then the burning ceremony hits, and then it's like
18:40
Speaker 2: all of a sudden, you're unpacking the things that you
18:42
Speaker 2: avoid looking at, or that you haven't wanted to talk about,
18:46
Speaker 2: things that have been sitting on your heart or in
18:48
Speaker 2: your mind and you haven't even realized, and then all
18:51
Speaker 2: of a sudden, you're talking about it. All of these
18:53
Speaker 2: women are staring at you with love and compassion and
18:56
Speaker 2: so much understanding for what you've been through, and then
18:59
Speaker 2: just all of a sudden, the tears start to roll.
19:01
Speaker 2: And it's just like allowing yourself to really heal the
19:04
Speaker 2: wounded part of you that is like still hurting out
19:06
Speaker 2: from whatever it is you're carrying.
19:08
Speaker 1: And so many of the Byron girls said that things
19:10
Speaker 1: came up that they've never shared with anyone else. They've
19:13
Speaker 1: never felt safe enough, they've felt too ashamed. And I
19:16
Speaker 1: just think that's so powerful to be in a container
19:19
Speaker 1: like that where you can just be all of yourself
19:21
Speaker 1: and everyone still loves you equally as much. It was
19:24
Speaker 1: so powerful. So we like to participate in that part
19:27
Speaker 1: of the retreat as well because we're human and it's
19:29
Speaker 1: so beautiful for us to be able to do that
19:31
Speaker 1: with the women as well. And I think about parenting
19:33
Speaker 1: now we're on the subject. I was sharing with Tana
19:35
Speaker 1: this morning on our walk, so Taji and I had
19:37
Speaker 1: a little sleepover together last night. And I've seen a
19:40
Speaker 1: couple of reels of parenting coaches and experts saying that boys,
19:43
Speaker 1: when you pick them up from school, their nervous system
19:46
Speaker 1: is quite heightened being around a lot of people, being overstimulated,
19:49
Speaker 1: being on all day that on the ride home from school,
19:53
Speaker 1: as they get home, they need time to land. And
19:56
Speaker 1: if you try to bombard them with questions. They feel
19:58
Speaker 1: even more overwhelmed, and there's pressure and expectation to talk.
20:02
Speaker 1: I used to say, how is your day, what happened
20:04
Speaker 1: did you eat your I asked these questions and it
20:06
Speaker 1: was very one word answers, and I made up a
20:08
Speaker 1: story in my head that he doesn't want to talk
20:09
Speaker 1: to me. It doesn't open up to me. Something's wrong.
20:12
Speaker 1: And now I've studied and researched it and been following
20:15
Speaker 1: a lot of pairing too pages. Apparently boys need more
20:17
Speaker 1: time to land. So now instead of greeting him with questions,
20:19
Speaker 1: I say to him, I missed you today, I'm so
20:22
Speaker 1: happy to see you, just things like that, so glad
20:24
Speaker 1: that you're here. I'm so glad that you're here. This morning,
20:27
Speaker 1: I'm so glad that you're here. And there's no pressure
20:29
Speaker 1: on the way home. But normally your son I said,
20:30
Speaker 1: you want to put some music on.
20:31
Speaker 2: Whatever.
20:32
Speaker 1: But at night time, when they're hop in bed, a
20:34
Speaker 1: lot of parents find this annoying that that's when they
20:36
Speaker 1: want to unload. It's like, oh, you're delaying bedtime. But
20:38
Speaker 1: it's actually when the nervous systems have calmed. They're regulated
20:42
Speaker 1: enough that now they want to talk. So I love
20:43
Speaker 1: these sleep bobbers with Taj, and I always dig and
20:45
Speaker 1: ask a lot of questions. We're turning for about half
20:47
Speaker 1: now last night, but I like to get feedback off
20:50
Speaker 1: him of things that are feeling good and not feeling
20:51
Speaker 1: good in his life and what I'm doing good as
20:54
Speaker 1: a parent, and maybe some things that I need to
20:56
Speaker 1: improve on that would make him feel more loved, more
20:58
Speaker 1: cared for, more fun in his life. So last night,
21:01
Speaker 1: he's ten turning eleven, and apparently that's when little boys
21:03
Speaker 1: get a massive hit of testosterone, so they can feel
21:05
Speaker 1: quite a lot of anger and rage. And I was
21:07
Speaker 1: explaining to him that that's normal at this age and
21:09
Speaker 1: it's a hormone it's released in your body and it's
21:11
Speaker 1: not bad to feel the anger emotions. But do you
21:13
Speaker 1: feel that? He said no, not really, and I was like,
21:16
Speaker 1: that's all good. And then I said to him, what's
21:19
Speaker 1: mummy doing really good at? What do I need improving on?
21:22
Speaker 1: And he's straight away when I asked him what I'm
21:24
Speaker 1: doing good at as he said, boundaries, And I thought,
21:27
Speaker 1: how the fuck does he even know what that boundary
21:28
Speaker 1: word means. It's not a word that I used a
21:30
Speaker 1: lot in front of him. I said, boundaries. Okay, could
21:33
Speaker 1: you give me an example. What kind of boundary And
21:36
Speaker 1: he said, with screen time and with food and the
21:39
Speaker 1: two things that I have been teaching for the last
21:41
Speaker 1: couple of years. Strong boundaries that I have around for
21:44
Speaker 1: specific reasons. And I said, okay, tell me more about that.
21:47
Speaker 1: He said, well, you have strict boundaries on how much
21:50
Speaker 1: screen time I can have, and I think if you didn't,
21:52
Speaker 1: I would be on there twenty four hours a day.
21:55
Speaker 1: And all my friends are really addicted to their screens,
21:57
Speaker 1: and they all have phones, and even on the bus
21:58
Speaker 1: month they don't look up from their phone because they're
22:00
Speaker 1: scrolling TikTok. I was so observant, so observant because he
22:03
Speaker 1: doesn't have one. He goes, I think I would be addicted,
22:06
Speaker 1: and I don't want to be addicted to my screen.
22:08
Speaker 1: I said, okay, cool, I said, that's why I put
22:11
Speaker 1: that in place, because I think there's a fine balance.
22:13
Speaker 1: I think it's important for you to learn how to
22:14
Speaker 1: use a computer and an iPad and be up to
22:16
Speaker 1: date with AI even these days. I want him to
22:18
Speaker 1: learn those skills because that's where the world's going, and
22:20
Speaker 1: I don't think school is probably teaching enough of that.
22:22
Speaker 1: But also it's not healthy to be addicted to a screen.
22:25
Speaker 1: And then I said food, Okay, tell me about that one.
22:27
Speaker 1: And he goes, well, you have lots of healthy food
22:29
Speaker 1: and healthy snacks, but if you just gave me shery snacks,
22:32
Speaker 1: I would eat them all the time and then I
22:33
Speaker 1: would feel sick. Wow. I was like, wow, that's really
22:37
Speaker 1: really cool. Yeah, and then with Stevie said he does
22:40
Speaker 1: really well at like playing footy and like that's his passion.
22:44
Speaker 1: The moment was football. And then I said, as a
22:47
Speaker 1: ten year old, what is something you think you'd like
22:50
Speaker 1: more of? And he said more time with you guys.
22:53
Speaker 1: And I said what do you mean by that? He
22:55
Speaker 1: goes without Tala around. I said, yeah, fair, So why
22:58
Speaker 1: is that he goes? Oh because she's just annoying sometimes
23:00
Speaker 1: and she takes up a lot of attention because she's
23:03
Speaker 1: a lot louder than me. I said, yeah, sure, she's younger,
23:06
Speaker 1: she's louder, she takes up space. She's just funny as
23:09
Speaker 1: she personality huge and she will literally be I said,
23:12
Speaker 1: we're like dancing now, like anything to get attention. She's like,
23:15
Speaker 1: well look at me or is he softer and quieter
23:18
Speaker 1: and just isn't that out there? And I said, what
23:20
Speaker 1: would that look like? What kind of quality time would
23:23
Speaker 1: you like with us? He said, Oh, I want to
23:24
Speaker 1: go to busy park and kick the footy with Dad.
23:26
Speaker 1: That's really fun for me in quality time, and with you,
23:28
Speaker 1: I like to go to Yochi so we can get
23:30
Speaker 1: yochi in talk. I was like, cool, and I never
23:32
Speaker 1: reflected us like fuck, I haven't taken him for a
23:34
Speaker 1: Yochi day months. We used to do that all the time.
23:37
Speaker 1: So I was like, that's really cool feedback and I
23:39
Speaker 1: appreciate that and things to improve on al He said,
23:43
Speaker 1: Dad not to work as much. So then I had
23:44
Speaker 1: to have a conversation around why Dad's working so much
23:47
Speaker 1: at the moment and you know, it's a harder season
23:49
Speaker 1: and Dad doesn't have as much stuff as what are
23:51
Speaker 1: you used to and he's taken on AI and learning
23:53
Speaker 1: all these new skills and da, da da, and explain
23:56
Speaker 1: that to him and I said, but also valid, I
23:58
Speaker 1: missdad too, Like you noticed, Daddy and I don't go
24:00
Speaker 1: on date nights anymore, and we don't spend a lot
24:01
Speaker 1: of time together, so you're really valid to feel like that.
24:04
Speaker 2: That's it, but also so beautiful, like one openness from
24:06
Speaker 2: you as a parent. To be able to be just
24:09
Speaker 2: able to ask those questions and to do the self
24:11
Speaker 2: inquiry with him as well, and to take on feedback.
24:14
Speaker 2: I think that's huge. You know, when we think about
24:17
Speaker 2: like the previous generations, there was a lot of avoidance. Yeah,
24:20
Speaker 2: you know, obviously they did the best that they could,
24:22
Speaker 2: but there was a lot of avoidance when it comes
24:23
Speaker 2: to stuff like that. So to be able to create
24:25
Speaker 2: that with Taj and then Tyler when she's able, it's
24:27
Speaker 2: going to be really really powerful for your relationship and
24:30
Speaker 2: cool because like what you said, like how can I
24:32
Speaker 2: make you feel more loved more? See her from me?
24:35
Speaker 2: And then implementing those things, I think that's awesome.
24:37
Speaker 1: It's like in relationships, we give love how we want
24:39
Speaker 1: to receive it, but it might not be had they
24:41
Speaker 1: receive it, And yeah, my version of quality time might
24:44
Speaker 1: be completely different to what Taj actually needs and wants.
24:47
Speaker 1: So like, while we're not check in with them, I
24:49
Speaker 1: don't remember ever having conversations like that with my parents.
24:51
Speaker 1: There is no way I could have given feedback on
24:53
Speaker 1: them yelling at me.
24:54
Speaker 2: I would have got yelled at Yeah, yeah, go to
24:58
Speaker 2: your room.
24:59
Speaker 1: Literally. So it's just so cool to have that open
25:01
Speaker 1: relationship with him. Yeah, I'm so glad I've learned to
25:04
Speaker 1: just allow him to land a home after school before
25:06
Speaker 1: I start asking inquiring questions, because I don't want him
25:09
Speaker 1: feel more overwhelmed. I want him to get in the
25:10
Speaker 1: car and be like, no, I can just relax. I
25:14
Speaker 1: don't have to be on Yeah, this might say the phrase.
25:16
Speaker 1: And he's quite introverted too, so I think at school,
25:18
Speaker 1: being around a lot of people and being needed by
25:20
Speaker 1: teachers and other kids and stuff, I think that would
25:22
Speaker 1: be a.
25:22
Speaker 2: Lot for him over stimulating for sure.
25:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, someone him to just get in the car and
25:26
Speaker 1: be like, oh my gosh, I can just chill. Yeah,
25:28
Speaker 1: which I get too. Yeah, totally understand. You get like
25:31
Speaker 1: that too. Yeah, it's just cool to create that open
25:33
Speaker 1: relationship with your kids, and at that age it's a
25:36
Speaker 1: lot easy to talk with them. He is so emotionally
25:38
Speaker 1: intelligence and things he said. I'm like, wow, I just
25:41
Speaker 1: underestimate how smart he is. So cool.
25:44
Speaker 2: Yeah, it'd be cool to get that direct feedback to
25:47
Speaker 2: because when you're parenting, I imagine you don't really get
25:49
Speaker 2: that feedback loop, yeah, because they're not giving the feedback.
25:51
Speaker 1: No, you have to rely. Yeah, and I don't get
25:54
Speaker 1: as much time with Taj because he's at school five
25:56
Speaker 1: days a week, like weekends. We spend all day every
25:58
Speaker 1: day with him, But whereas Ta I get all day Thursday,
26:01
Speaker 1: I get half day Friday, and every afternoon from like
26:04
Speaker 1: two thirty on we're with her, So we get a
26:06
Speaker 1: lot of quality time with her, whereas him is at
26:09
Speaker 1: school every single day and doesn't get home to like
26:10
Speaker 1: four o'clock, so it's very limited moments of time in
26:13
Speaker 1: the mornings that's a quality time. Yeah, six thirty, seven thirty.
26:18
Speaker 1: It's like dis rush your shoes on, rush your teeth
26:20
Speaker 1: eat Ta Taj. It's just chaos. It's not a fun time.
26:24
Speaker 1: It's not an enjoyable time as a parent, and for
26:26
Speaker 1: the kids, I'm guessing too. So yeah, it was a
26:28
Speaker 1: little conversation. So I wanted to bring all that in
26:30
Speaker 1: here because I don't see many people talk about this stuff.
26:33
Speaker 2: I think so many moms will appreciate you just having
26:35
Speaker 2: opening up this conversation.
26:36
Speaker 1: Otherwise I'm deleting the episode. No podcast.
26:40
Speaker 2: They absolutely will, And honestly, if this episode landed for you.
26:43
Speaker 2: We'd love for you to send us a message that
26:45
Speaker 2: she rises or even at Ashy's account, and just beautiful
26:48
Speaker 2: to share your experience and what it was like to
26:49
Speaker 2: receive hearing all of this and hopefully it has helped
26:51
Speaker 2: normalize some things for you of just giving your self
26:53
Speaker 2: permission to be human. Yeah, and also know that something
26:56
Speaker 2: that I heard once was parents are just humans living
26:59
Speaker 2: life for the first time too.
27:00
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I feel that so hard. Yeah, one
27:03
Speaker 1: of the girls said at the burning ceremonies when we
27:05
Speaker 1: talk about what was coming up for us afterwards, she's like,
27:07
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, well, you know we she was with
27:09
Speaker 1: a couple of friends. But we watch you online and
27:11
Speaker 1: you guys look so perfect, like you have your life together. Actually,
27:14
Speaker 1: you look like you're a perfect patient mum all the time, Jianna.
27:16
Speaker 1: You just look like you're having fun all the time
27:18
Speaker 1: and coaching it. Like they had this perception that we
27:20
Speaker 1: are just cruising through life not having any triggers or moments,
27:24
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh my gosh, I just never
27:26
Speaker 1: ever want anyone thinking that about us, Like, yeah, yes,
27:28
Speaker 1: we're very conscious, we're very intentional, we always want to
27:31
Speaker 1: be growing and doing better than what we did yesterday
27:33
Speaker 1: and last week and the year before. But we're still human.
27:36
Speaker 1: We still have moments because we feel lonely in those moments.
27:38
Speaker 1: And I felt lonely in that moment. Even though I've
27:40
Speaker 1: got a great husband and I've got great friends, I
27:42
Speaker 1: still in that shower when I was crying just wanted
27:44
Speaker 1: to hide. Yeah, in my own shame and no one
27:47
Speaker 1: to see me like that. I was like, I don't
27:49
Speaker 1: want other moms to ever feel like that. So if
27:51
Speaker 1: I talk about it, maybe I'll pop in their head
27:54
Speaker 1: and maybe they'll have me kind of comfort them in
27:56
Speaker 1: that moment, knowing that they're not alone when they have
27:58
Speaker 1: those human moments, and just be kind to yourself. You
28:01
Speaker 1: are doing the best that you can.
28:02
Speaker 2: Yeah, shared loads is an easy load to carry.
28:05
Speaker 1: That's right, That's right. It's my makeup roomin now, no
28:08
Speaker 1: go as beautiful as ever.
28:10
Speaker 2: Thank you, Thanks my love, thank you for sharing, and
28:12
Speaker 2: thank you everyone for coming in listening in. And yeah,
28:14
Speaker 2: if you have any feedback or have anything you want
28:15
Speaker 2: us to pop in or have a chat about, please
28:17
Speaker 2: bring it in. We're very open to suggestions and open
28:19
Speaker 2: to the topics that you want to hear from us
28:21
Speaker 2: as well, and bye