Latest / Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur / You Are Not Too Sensitive: Why You Help Others Succeed But You Feel Stuck

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You Are Not Too Sensitive: Why You Help Others Succeed But You Feel Stuck · Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur

• 0:00
  If you've been told your whole life that you're too sensitive, or maybe you haven't been told that, but you feel that, that maybe you feel that you overreact or you take things to heart.
• 0:13
  And if you've noticed that you can build almost anything for anyone else, you can help them, you can help their business, their confidence, their career.
• 0:24
  When it comes to yourself, you kind of free trees.
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  These two things are connected.
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  And this episode is about how it's connected and what you can do.
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  Because I want to show you something that took me a long time to understand, both in my own life and also in 20 years of working with capable, intelligent, talented people who could not do for themselves what they
• 0:53
  did easily for others.
• 0:55
  The thing that I really want to get across is your sensitivity is not a problem.
• 1:00
  It is the reason you're so good at what you do.
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  And somewhere you probably are aware of that as well.
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  And there is brain science behind it.
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  And I'm going to walk you through it today.
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  Three things.
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  First, why being sensitive is an instrument.
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  It's not a flaw.
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  It's like you're highly attuned and what the research is actually saying about it.
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  Second, what that exact wiring makes you brilliant at for building for other people.
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  But why it doesn't quite work when you build it for yourself, why when you want to excel for yourself.
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  And third, how sensitive people can build success for themselves.
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  And also why the usual advice doesn't work for us.
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  And I'll tell you why.
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  Stay with me for the third one.
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  Because that's where everything starts to come together.
• 2:03
  Let's start with the word itself, because for most of us, it's almost like we're being put down our whole lives because we're too sensitive, we feel too much.
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  Why does it bother you so much?
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  Just let it go, move on.
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  But somewhere along the lines, we took that on, that, oh, being sensitive is a negative thing.
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  I can't let go.
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  And we've started to treat our own reactions, our own sensitivity as a problem.
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  Let's look at it from the perspective of being in a lab.
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  I've spent years in a lab before I did this work.
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  And in the lab you can get sensitive tests to test for, is there chlorine in something?
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  Or you can actually get strips even to test for things like ph.
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  Some tests are more sensitive than others.
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  It picks up the signal faster.
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  It needs a smaller sample, it needs less of the sample.
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  It doesn't need to be so concentrated.
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  It shows you what's really going on before Something else does.
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  You see, nobody stands over a sensitive instrument and starts telling you, hey, toughen up, you strip, you're being too sensitive.
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  You treat it with care and you say, hey, this is sensitive.
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  Testing equipment is much better.
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  It's much more efficient, it's much faster.
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  That's what you are.
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  You don't need to be around people for too long before you know something's off.
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  You pick it up quickly.
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  Other people won't be able to see it as quickly as you do.
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  You feel the shift in a room before anyone said a word.
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  But then you start doubting yourself because nobody else has seen it.
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  It's not a weakness.
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  It means that you're more of a sensitive instrument.
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  You don't need as much as other people do.
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  You pick it out quicker, you're faster, you're quicker.
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  You need less of the sample.
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  The only question is, are you going to trust the reading?
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  And this is not a nice idea to make yourself feel better.
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  It's measurable.
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  In 2003, Robert Goghill and his team at the Wake Forest put people in a brain scanner and gave them exactly the same heat stimulus.
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  They gave people the same amount of heat.
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  Some rated it mild, others rated it as, this is unbearable.
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  So the brain scans matched what they said it wasn't.
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  They were making it up.
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  They actually the brains showed that's how they monitored that level of heat.
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  The people who reported more pain showed more activity in the pain processing regions of the brain.
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  It's the same amount of input measured, different experience.
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  And that's what is real.
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  It's not made up.
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  They're not being weak.
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  It is seen at the same time at the same level of the brain.
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  So when someone says you should not be affected as much as you are, they're describing their own nervous system against yours.
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  There's no standard amount of a thing that is supposed to hurt.
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  And they're also comparing their own brain to your brain, what's being registered there.
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  So each person registers different.
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  So comparing your reaction to someone else's is like comparing two instruments with different sensitivities and calling one of them broken and the other one good, because the other one doesn't pick it up as much.
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  We need to see it in a slightly different way.
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  And it's not just pain.
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  In 2014 FMRI study by Bianca and Elaine Aaron looked at highly sensitive people watching other people's emotional faces.
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  Their brain showed more activation in the regions linked to awareness, empathy and action planning.
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  So they're more.
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  You're more aware, maybe that's not a bad thing.
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  You have more empathy, maybe, and you're able to take action.
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  So hold on to that phrase, empathy and action planning.
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  Okay, this, we're going to come back to this because it explains everything about why you can build for others.
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  Okay.
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  I remember when I was growing up, we had different teacups.
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  I know this sounds crazy.
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  We had posh teacups and then we had the everyday cups.
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  And growing up, I never knew which cups to get out for visitors.
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  People would come around, we'd have guests, and I kept getting it wrong.
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  So I didn't know who's the person that is special, that needs the special teacups and who's the everyday people that we need to just get the everyday cups out for.
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  And then when there were some others in the middle, and then you get those teacups out.
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  And I really had a hard time with this because every single time I would do it, I would get it wrong.
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  And so say, if it was a less sensitive child, they would just shrug it off.
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  You conclude that I can't get this right.
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  You conclude that, oh, I'm learning.
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  This is these.
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  These type of people are in this camp, and these type of people.
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  People in this camp.
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  And then I started to believe I just can't get anything right.
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  That conclusion was not a fact about me.
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  It was my sensitive instrument that meant I couldn't box people into.
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  These people are important, these people aren't.
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  That was my own sensitivity.
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  To me, everyone was important.
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  Everyone's the same.
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  So the teacups just really did my head in growing up because I just couldn't understand why we were put into groups of people.
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  So it was my sensitive instrument and no one was able to explain the readings for me.
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  So I just got it wrong.
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  I thought I was wrong for thinking that everyone should be treated the same.
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  We should just take out the nice teacups when we feel like it's.
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  So here is the pattern I see again and again, and I've lived it myself.
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  You can walk into any room and see what somebody needs.
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  You can build their confidence, you can grow their business.
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  You can get their career moving.
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  It's almost effortless.
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  That's my thing.
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  And you will have your thing.
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  And you can name it, you can do it.
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  You can literally help people in a small conversation.
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  But when it comes to you, you can't seem to do it.
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  You can't seem to write that book or invest in yourself or do what it is that you need to do.
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  And you might call it Procrastination.
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  But you don't procrastinate on everything.
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  You don't procrastinate on the things that other people need from you.
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  So it's not procrastination, it's something much more specific.
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  Remember that phrase from that study, empathy and action planning.
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  When someone around you is struggling, your brain doesn't just feel starts solving it, you start solving it.
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  You might even see something on TV and you'll start solving it for them.
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  Your whole system is built for building for other people.
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  It's not a habit, it's wiring.
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  Now here is the adacha.
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  Most people walk around with a built in buffer.
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  Psychologists call it a self serving bias.
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  Someone says you did a bad job and the average brain quietly says, that's their problem, not mine.
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  It's a distortion, but it protects them.
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  Sensitive people tend to have much less of that buffer because you're sensitive for fake.
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  So when the work is yours, there's nothing between you and the judgment that you're feeling.
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  You'll feel all of it.
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  And there is research on what that feeling actually is.
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  Naomi Elsenberger at UCLA found in 2003 that social rejection activates brain regions that overlap with the ones that process physical pain.
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  So have you ever had that feeling where you feel like someone's punched you in the gut, you're literally grabbing your stomach and you're in that fetal position and you're feeling so much pain and you're struggling, you're being judged,
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  dismissed or ignored is not a metaphorical huff.
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  Your brain treats it as a real one.
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  You feel broken.
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  So we put it all together.
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  Now building for others switches on the part of your brain that solves problems.
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  Building yourself for yourself switches on the pain part of the brain that feels pain.
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  Okay, because the stakes feel different.
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  They are different inside your body.
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  Now I can help another organization grow.
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  I've helped organizations go from regional to global and grow its social media, build its team, develop its strategy.
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  But when it came to my own practice, being seen for my own work, really being authentically me, I was struggling and it confused me because the skills are the same.
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  What was different was it would mean that it was about me.
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  And if it didn't work, it was like I didn't work.
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  It was me, it was personal and it was a personal like failure.
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  That pain was so strong that it triggered the pain receptors before I even start anything.
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  There's one more layer here, and this is the one about how you got here.
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  In 1976, David Wood, Jerome Bruner and Gail Ross described how skills actually get built.
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  They called it scaffolding.
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  Someone holds a structure around you while you learn and then and take it and takes it away piece by piece as you get stronger.
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  This is how you learned nearly everything you got good at.
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  Somebody held the frame even when you learned to walk.
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  Somebody held you slightly, so they held you the frame and then they let go.
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  Even when you rode a bike, you learned it step by step.
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  Nobody held the frame for building for yourself.
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  It was always maybe that you had to build for others, but nobody taught you how to do it for you.
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  There was no scaffold around that one.
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  You never really learned how to do it.
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  You never shown how to do it.
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  You never saw other people do it for themselves.
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  So it wasn't built.
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  Maybe you were even taught that it's selfish to do things for yourself and that you always have to give to others, not because you couldn't do it, but because the structure that makes learning possible was never there for
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  yourself.
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  And if you were one of those who held it together for everybody else.
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  The research goes even a step further.
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  Lisa Hooper's work on children who became the carer in their family shows a consistent pattern into adulthood.
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  They are highly skilled at giving and they struggle to receive.
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  Giving was the role.
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  Receiving was never practiced.
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  You never had the scaffolding around receiving.
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  This is not a flaw in you.
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  It's something that you never learned how to do, but you're meant to.
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  And if it is a skill that's missing, it's not.
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  It's broken.
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  It's not broken, it's a skill.
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  Question is not what's wrong with me?
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  Question should be, how do I learn this?
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  That's the first step.
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  How do I learn this?
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  And really be honest that you don't know how to do this.
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  And then ask, how do I learn this?
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  And make it your mission to learn how to do this.
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  Those are very different questions and they lead to very different places.
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  So now we know what is missing and now we know what is happening.
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  We know it makes complete sense.
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  The question is, what do you do with it?
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  And I want to start with why the usual advice is never going to work for you.
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  Why what everybody else does is not going to work.
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  Because it has not done it yet and it won't.
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  Things like put yourself out there, fake it till you make it.
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  Just build your confidence, you know, just do it.
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  And this is psychiatrist called Dr.
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  K.
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  I think he's brilliant.
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  And he puts it like this.
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  If you are sensitive, you take in more you take in more disapproval, more judgment, you take in more of other people's reactions.
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  So the dose of confidence that the average person needs isn't enough for you to balance it out.
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  So imagine it like a pair of scales, right?
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  So if you're taking on other people's judgments, etc.
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  You're going to need to first try and build a buffer to that so that you can then build your confidence.
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  The amount of confidence you're going to need in comparison to someone else is going to be massive.
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  Need more.
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  So the average person needs to get, say, from a 3 to 8 to actually move forward and in terms of their confidence, whereas you might need to go from a 3 to 15 or 20 because there's so much
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  more that you need to counteract in terms of that disapproval, judgment, the feelings that you're gaining.
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  That is why a bit more positive thinking is not going to do anything for you.
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  You're just putting on a front, you're putting on a face, but underneath you're still sensitive to judgment and other what other people are thinking.
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  And your whole life is then driven by others and not what it is that you really want to do.
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  And you're not able to truly connect to others because you're always worrying about their needing their validation.
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  You're sensitive to their judgment, their validation, rather than allowing yourself to feel that connection, to feel that authenticity, to be authentically you.
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  So the first thing we need to do is start pushing through free willpower and really get honest and start noticing.
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  Yeah, I think the biggest issue is when you're in that situation, you're so driven by that judgment, et cetera, you can't actually see the impact is having on you.
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  So when you sit down to do a thing, that website, that application, that piece of writing, that book, whatever it is, the resistance will come.
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  It will be like, oh, I want it to be so good that other people think this of me.
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  Just notice.
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  And then you'll start worrying about what if it doesn't happen?
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  What if I'm not good enough?
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  And then notice what's happening in your body.
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  Your mind will be saying, okay, let's not worry about it.
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  Let's just continue as we are, but then feel what you're feeling.
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  You don't need to fix it.
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  You just need to read the instrument and be honest and then bring some kindness to the reading, bring some love and acceptance to the reading, because you are sensitive and it's brilliant.
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  You have an amazing tool because now you know why it is there.
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  The second thing to build when no one can see you.
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  The second thing is to build when no one can see.
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  Teresa Amabel at Harvard Business School has spent decades studying what helps people and hurts people's creativity.
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  And creativity is the most important thing in terms of creating excellent work.
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  Really stepping into your genius mode.
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  One of her most consistent findings is that simply expecting your work to be evaluated or judged reduces how creative it is.
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  Not a harsh evaluation, just the expectation of people judging it in some way.
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  People could use less original word when they know that someone's going to judge it, someone's going to critique it.
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  Now think about what that does to a sensitive person.
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  If the average brain shrinks a little bit under judgment, what's going to happen to someone who's got a sensitive brain?
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  It's going to shrink a lot.
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  So the answer is not to toughen up and post it anyway.
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  That's not going to work for you.
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  The answer is to take the judgment out of the room while you build it.
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  Can't even go anywhere near it.
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  It's got to be fun.
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  It's got to be you.
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  Write the thing and don't post it yet.
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  Build the first version of you, but don't share it.
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  Finish something hard and keep the win to yourself for now.
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  Do not let other people judge it.
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  This is not hiding it.
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  This is allowing yourself the freedom to be creative.
• 21:12
  Amabile's other big finding is from tracking thousands of workday diaries is what she calls the progress principle.
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  The biggest single driver of how people feel about their work is is making progress on something that really matters to them, matters deeply to you.
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  Not trying to get praise, not results, but actually small wins noticed by you.
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  And for a sensitive person, that is the whole point.
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  Every time you finish something hard that nobody saw, you add a piece of evidence about you to yourself that no one can take away.
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  So.
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  So ultimately, the biggest thing that you need to do is build your relationship with yourself.
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  Not for any other reason, but because that is the only way you're going to truly progress.
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  That's how you get from 3 to 15 you not from allowing other people to give it something to you, but from you building up your own readings.
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  What are you building privately right now for yourself that nobody knows about?
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  And then let that win be for you before anyone else sees it.
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  You get that win first.
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  You see that win first.
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  It's like this podcast.
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  I did not tell anyone I was doing a podcast and I just did it because I really wanted to do it for me, not for anyone else.
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  I Just really wanted to help people.
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  I didn't want anyone else to feel the pain that I was feeling.
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  So I just did it.
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  I started putting my voice out there, and it was for me to know that I was doing it to make the world a better place in my own little tiny way.
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  So here's where we have landed together.
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  You're not too sensitive.
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  You are a more sensitive instrument.
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  And the research says that it's real, it's manageable, and it's useful.
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  It's useful.
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  And that same wiring is why you build for everyone else so easily and why your own word has felt like pain.
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  It triggers that pain, not because you lack the skill, but because the part of you that solves for other people's problems has never been pointed at you.
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  You don't know how to.
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  You never were healed.
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  You didn't have that scaffolding so you could learn how to do it.
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  And the way through isn't to toughen up and just do it, is to read this instrument and bring some kindness to it and build when no one else can see and build the relationship with yourself until the evidence
• 24:02
  about who you are comes from you, within you.
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  So you're building that scaffolding from.
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  From within yourself.
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  That is where the work begins.
• 24:13
  If you've heard yourself in any of this and you want to know what's actually stopping you from moving forward, I have put together a free assessment.
• 24:22
  It takes a few minutes.
• 24:23
  You can go deeper into this work.
• 24:25
  It looks at which part of you is carrying the most right now, whether it's your body, your emotions, your thinking.
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  And it tells you where your core block actually sits.
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  Because for a sensitive person, it's really where you think.
• 24:41
  You can go to my link Tree, which is link tr.ee doctoramancour, which is D R A M E N K A U R and tap on the.
• 24:56
  Take your free assessment and you will get your results straight away and I will send you a few more notes or what it means for you.
• 25:05
  The link is in the show notes and if this episode helped you, please share it with someone who might be out there who's sensitive too.
• 25:15
  They need to hear this, that this is an incredible skill that they can hone in on.
• 25:22
  And if you found this podcast useful, please also rate it as well so that more and more people can find it.
• 25:31
  I'm sending you so much love.
• 25:33
  Till next time.