Latest / From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist / Episode 3 - You’ve Done the Work… So Why Do You Still Feel Stuck?
Transcript
- Denise: Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist. My name is Denise, and if you are new here, here we talk about healing, how there is no one size fits all approach. I share my stories and I will continue to share what I've experienced as well as different healing modalities that could potentially help you. Ultimately, my goal is to help the collective, aka the listeners, aka you. To find something that works for you if you're feeling stuck, to deepen your connection with self and to elevate to your highest timeline because I believe we are all here to live a fulfilling life. And the way that you do that is to continue to move forward, try different modalities, and finally get to that point where you feel like you are in a state of bliss. I am mys I am on this journey myself, so I am not leading with perfection. I am just sharing the raw, vulnerable way that I have gotten there over the course of these past three years, really, because I have started that journey or I started the journey rather in twenty twenty twenty three. So we are now in twenty twenty six. I have made huge strides and I am not giving up. I will continue to explore the modalities that I feel that work for me and share my experiences with those as well as other ones that I may have not tried. So with that, I want to just share that this week, these past couple of days have been rough. They have been extremely Difficult emotionally, I thought that I had processed a lot of the trauma and the pain that I had dealt with, particularly these past couple of years. And I think speaking about them has really made a lot of the things resurface. And I have done tons of mental processing. I can say that I deeply understand why certain things happened to me, why I've encountered certain individuals in my life, and why I went through some of the difficult lessons that I've had to learn. And you could only mentally process so much and under that, yes, it does help to mentally process and understand why we go through cer certain things, but I was feeling stuck in what n what's next. Okay, so I understand, I get it, but that doesn't make the pain hurt any less. And so I share on social media a lot of you know how our mind impacts our reality, how we are all here to serve a purpose in this life, and it's your job to find your purpose. So I have I've done those things. And now I'm realizing that I have a lot of stuck energy in my body, that a lot of pain that I have not released. And yes, I do move my body. I believe in working out, but I am using working out as a way to run from the pain rather than actually experience the pain. And yes, I do think that it's important to fitness isn't a fundamental part of life. I think that if you're not incorporating fitness and movement in your way in your life in what's one way, shape, or form, then you're not going to live an optimal life. I will say that, but that is not what this is about. This is me. Sharing that I had mentally processed a lot of the trauma that I experienced. And I was like, okay, so why do I still feel terrible? Why do I still feel like I want to get the closure from these people that I feel like I deserve? And that closure is within me. And that is what I'm realizing now: is that I need to find the closure in myself. I cannot pull these people to me and ask them for forgiveness or for them to ask me for forgiveness, rather. So I want to share this story. If you're experiencing something similar, I want you to know that there is light. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't see that light yesterday. I was like, ⁓ my gosh, this is terrible. I am I don't want to be here. I can't keep experiencing that pain. And I pushed through. I had some energy clearing. My mom does Reiki and she performed Reiki on me. I prayed. And then what's funny is a couple of years ago, I was very much anti-religion. I Thought religion came with hate and judgment. And what I'm learning now is if it comes from hate and judgment, then yes, it's not of God or source. But I do believe there is God. What God looks like for us is all different. But I don't think it's like one individual being or something that we can comprehend, but it's this energetic thing within all of us. Energetic being, I don't want to say thing because that sounds disrespectful, but it's a being that's within all of us. And we're all here to raise the collective, to serve our purpose. Whatever it is, we're all part of something greater. And that is the thing that I am starting to understand. And so I know that God is within me and I want to act from a place of integrity. I want to act from a place of kindness and I want to continue to share what I've experienced so that other souls that are struggling and feel stuck can also get themselves unstuck. And so I have been feeling stuck. I would go, I was like, okay, I gotta change my mindset. It's my mindset, I gotta be positive. I I have to remember that all of this is happening for me, not to me. And so I was going out and I was having fun, but inside I just felt this pit of sadness. I'm like, what is going on? I I know, like, of course, I miss the people that I've lost, particularly like the last relationship that I went through, and a friend who I felt deeply betrayed by. And so I want to share that all of this stuff that we go through is a lesson. It's lesson based. We are our souls are here to learn something in particular. And mine is a lesson around dealing with people who are not choosing me. And that isn't necessarily just in relationships, but in friendships and all elements. And I've always wanted to see the good in everyone, even despite their darkness. And to my own detriment, I would stick around because I'd seen the good qualities in these people. And I see them, I see myself in them. Because I too have done things that I am not proud of. I too have been unfaithful in a relationship. I too have hurt people. I've said mean things. I've operated in ways I'm not proud of. And I did that when I was deeply wounded and I didn't like myself. And so I want wanted to pull that out of these people. And I'm like, ⁓ you know, you can like yourself. You can love yourself. I'll show you the way. But some people are just not ready to see the way. And I would stick around and I wanted them to just see the love. That they could give if they just poured into themselves while I was sucking my soul dry. So no more. Yes, I miss these people. Yes, I wish that they would come back around and ask for forgiveness and that they could somehow be in my life, even if it's not in the same capacity. But I can't do that to myself. So I'm gonna let them go with love. I'm gonna let them go and be on their own souls journey. And whether we cross paths again or not is not up to me. But I I wish them well. And that doesn't mean that my human self doesn't want to throat chop them at times because trust me, I'm like, ⁓ you know what? Like what you did was nasty. How could you? How dare you? And I don't want to be in that place where I'm holding this anger and resentment and putting that energy out into the world. And it is difficult. Trust me, I am I'm a fire sign. I am not, you know, an astrological expert. I'm not, you know, one of those people, but I do believe in signs and I know that the fire in me sometimes comes out in ways that are aggressive and I wanna s I want to force people to see my point of view. And I don't I'm not gonna do that anymore because that's not operating for my best and highest good. That's not operating with source in me. I I or with the the intentions of source in me. This that's just not operating in a way that I want to move in this world. I wanna continue to spread light. I want to spread posity and not the positivity where nothing in this earth goes wrong. But just understanding that we're all here to experience the different emotions of life, to move through those emotions and to move forward. And I in divine timing, I heard something yesterday that said, we think on our human level that what we're experiencing is either bad or good. But in a spiritual realm, as long as you're moving forward despite the emotions that you feel, then that's the good. You're still moving, you're still going, you're still progressing, even despite the pain. And it's not, it's when you try to remove the pain from the equation and sit in comfort that you're not doing what your soul came here to do. So if you're sitting on, I think they said a recliner and not moving forward because you don't want to experience the emotions that come with living, then you're not fulfilling your purpose. Then you're not doing what you came here to do. And I have been using escapism for quite some time. And I'm gonna be very forward. Mine has come in the form of alcohol. I wouldn't consider myself alcohol dependent per se, but and not in the way that's you know, what I thought was alcohol dependent. I thought it was somebody that woke up and drank and they needed to have a drink or they were have withdrawals. That wasn't me, but I was depending on it to be fun, to be happy, to be joyful. So I'm giving that up now because I want to live a life of true authenticity. And that is one thing that I feel has been blocking me. And when I do drink, I feel okay in the moment. Sometimes it makes me feel worse, but When I do feel good no matter what, the next day I feel absolutely awful. So I'm letting that go. I am making a public service announcement. I guess it's not really public service, but an announcement out of accountability because I think that that is one thing that has been holding me back. So the reason that I'm sharing this is yesterday I went through s a very Pivotal moment where I saw something. I do believe we all have connection to source. I know we have a connection to source. You need to speak to yourself. Source is anything that you believe in, whether it's God, spirit guides, your higher self, all of that. Pray to what you believe in. And I promise you, they will deliver. 1000%. I am certain. I stand by my word. And I say this because I woke up yesterday feeling absolutely awful, feeling that that gut-wrenching feeling that I've shared with. With you guys on my on my previous episodes, that I didn't want to be alive, that I didn't want to be on this earth, that I didn't have the energy to fulfill my purpose anymore, then that I was tired of feeling pain. And so I saw a TikTok and the girl said it ⁓ it was Krista Rose. She had also has a podcast that has helped me heavily. It's called That Bitch Is Positive. So anyway, side note. I believe in promoting things that help, just saying. So she said, if you're feeling stuck, ask. The divine to provide you a lifeline or a universal wink or spiritual wink. And again, I I butcher things a lot when I try to repeat them verbatim. So, you know, just know that I put my own twist on stuff. Anyway, so I did. I said, please, spirit, provide me a lifeline because I feel so stuck. I know that these people hurt me. I don't want to sit here in this space where I'm begging for them to come back or just yearning for something that's not not good for me. And In True Divine Timing, I I accidentally clicked on a reading, like a tarot reading, a live tarot reading. I don't even know. I I swear to you guys, it was a complete accident. And I told the girl, hey, I'm feeling really stuck. I can't get over this betrayal. Can do you think I'll ever get over it? And she said, spot on, she talked about how my feelings of not wanting to be alive and how I needed to focus on movement. And at first I was like, okay, for I work out a lot. Like I've been doing movement so false. And then she elaborated and she said, I'm hearing that you need to do more breath work and ⁓ I'm draw why am I drawing a blank right now? ⁓ One second, I'm gonna look it up because I cannot figure it out. The kundalini. Kundalini. So she just said kundalini. You need to look into kundalini and breath work. And it's interesting because on Friday I did do a breath work session. For the first time, I did a live breath work session. I'd done one virtually, and that was also very helpful. And so I did it in front of the beach. I love the beach. The beach is super healing. And so I had started feeling pretty badly emotionally, I would say Thursday evening. And I think that it was something that I just was needed to release, and that was the beginning. It was like, all right, you're gonna have all these feelings come up because you're going to this breath work session on Friday and you need to release it. So on Thursday, I was crying in my closet again. Like, why do I feel this way? This is awful. I don't want to yearn for this person. I don't want to yearn for the people that have hurt me. I've done that enough. I've done that. I've tried to find comfort in the people that hurt me, and it never provides what I want. So Friday, I went to the breath work session. I started feeling these trembles on my back when I was mid-session. I it was like I was convulsing and it was so strange to me. Like, why am I feeling this way? And it wasn't shivers because it was a little cold. I was like, no, this isn't shivers. This is like full-on tremors. And so I was telling some of the girls because we hung out afterwards that we're at the breath work session that I felt this way or that and they are also very attuned women deeply into I mean we didn't get into the nitty-gritty of what we believe, but I know that they're very spiritual and they believe in empowering women. And I just love that I keep encountering people like this. But I was telling them that and they were saying it's energetic release. And so I didn't fully understand what that meant, but now I'm seeing that there's my body is carrying a lot of the stuff that I'd not that I've mentally processed, but not physically let out. So I got that reading from the tarot reading on TikTok, the tarot reader on TikTok. And then I ran later in the evening and I popped on a podcast and Also in divine timing, because I don't believe in coincidences. The episode was on how you can do all the mental processing. I laugh because I'm like, there's just no fucking way this is a coincidence. But your body can still carry things deeply, and you need to find a way to release that so that you can move forward. And this was particularly if you're feeling stuck. Hello, I was feeling stuck. So I posted this on Instagram and one of my friends who I I met her a couple of months ago, but now I hung out with her for the first time. And I just, you know, I again I do not believe that we meet people at a certain time because it's just happenstance. It's the divine pulling us together. And she's like, hey, I do breath work and I do I keep forgetting the name of the what I'm trying to say. Kundalini breathwork. So she's I do kundalini breathwork, I do one-on-one sessions, and hello. I am going to delve into that because that is exactly what I need. I I know it to be true. I'm very much into all right, let's go. As you know, I believe that you should try things. And if it's calling to you, just give it a shot. So I'm going to be working with her and I have other le or healers that I've been connecting with, with certain modalities that I'm not even particularly familiar with, but I am starting to just familiarize myself with a ton of modalities. And it makes me so excited because I can't wait to bring this to you guys, the listeners. That is why I'm here. I know that to be true. I know that I'm here because I am to teach the collective about the different modalities, even if I myself have not tried them. And of course I want to try any and all of them because I want us all to feel unstuck. I think that many of us are avoiding feeling. We don't want to feel because it's And it's gut wrenching, and you have to face some of the things that we don't want to face. We have to face ourselves, and that is scary. We have to face our shadows. But you know, the scariest people out there, the people that are doing the most harm, are the ones that are afraid to face their shadows. Because facing your shadows is scary. I've done it, I've been doing it over the past three years, and I've I've progressed in ways that I am so surprised and proud of myself of. And so I'm gonna continue to share this stuff. I'll let you guys know how the breath work and the kundalini, the kundalini stuff. I'm not even completely familiar with what kundalini is. So I'm just gonna be very forward. I looked it up and I was like, okay, but my interpretation of it is it's really understanding that you're here as part of a collective consciousness, that you're here as source, that God is within you. And once you reach a certain state, you understand that the world is operating in that same way and you move in a way that it's beneficial to the entire collective. And I have not been moving in that way. I have been wanting to for the people that have hurt me to also experience that the hurt that they've caused me. I don't want to continue to feel that way. I want to let people go with love. I have not been able to let people go with love. And I also deeply believe that we chose the lessons that we wanted to learn in this lifetime. And again in no divine coincidence or in no coincidence My friend sent me a YouTube video yesterday on a woman who had experienced a near-death experience. And she had shared how she spoke to God. And I've continued to see things along these lines. And if you would have told me two years ago, I'd be like, she spoke to God, she fucking crazy. I encourage you, if you have that mentality, to just give it a shot. Listen, because it has really changed my perception of life and why we're here and how we feel like life is. This long dreadful thing, but it's a blip in the grand scheme of things. And when you go out and you exit this life, you're gonna see that it really wasn't all that long. And you're like, damn it, I didn't learn what I needed to learn. I should have done the work. I don't want to do that. I want to when I end this life, be yeah, I fucking killed it in a good way. I rocked it. And so she was saying how we chose the lessons that we wanted to learn in this lifetime. We chose the family that we wanted to come into. And when we face that, that's where you elevate. And I know that I chose the family that I wanted to come into because I needed to encounter people that were not willing to face their own shadows and know that I still needed to choose myself, that I still needed to see the good in myself. And I was going to I I I mean, I don't know if I in other lifetimes Just was unwilling to face my shadows. But in this lifetime, I'm facing them and I'm facing them hard. So with my father, having chosen a father who decided that it was better to exit my entire family's life and my adulthood, this was in my late twenties. He decided he would rather leave than admit everything he'd done throughout the duration of our lives. I have to let that go. And not in a way that's unhealthy, not like, ⁓ you know what? I'm good without him. Am I good without him? Sure, I'm thriving, but I still miss him. I still wish he would come back around and say, hey, you know what? I am sorry for what I did, but he's not gonna do that. And that's not because he's this evil being. Yes, I think that there are some shadows that he had that he wasn't willing to face, but I cannot stick around to pull people out of their shadows. And that's what I've been doing my entire life. And particularly around men. I think that this wound for me is around men. I have experienced it more recently with a woman. And that has also been hard because I that was the first time I'd gone through that. It was my best friend. It was someone who was the first person I told about my divorce who had been there for me. And she was, she had done so many kind things that it's hard for me to wrap my head around the betrayal. And I remember specifically, she gave me, I told her how how I always thought that good relationships or relationships in general would come to an end. And she gave me this beautiful infinity necklace and said, you know, I know that you feel this way. And I just wanted this to be a sign of our friendship. And so when I remember that, I remember it and it brings me pain because she betrayed me. And this isn't she mentioned something like you like to be the victim, but I've been telling people that and they're like, Well, you were the victim in the story. And I'm like, Yes, I was. And I have to acknowledge that. Because I don't ever want to seem narcissistic. I'm so afraid of having those tendencies. I don't, I sometimes can act selfish and I want to acknowledge that because I'm so in my head and I'm so focused on my own development that I only focus and then I'm like, wait, my friends, my family, like I need to check in on them. So I when I share these things, I don't want people to think, ⁓ my gosh, she's playing the victim. But in this situation, when you're betrayed by somebody, I mean, you're the victim. And so I want To also let her go with love and understand that she has her own journey to go through. This is not me pointing fingers at her because I saw the beauty in her. I saw what she was capable of. And I hope that one day for everyone, their shadows are faced so that they can elevate and live their best life. But I cannot sit there and let them beat me down in the process. And so I want to leave everyone with that. That I am imperfect, that I have I struggled with perfectionism, and now I'm going against a grain and I'm creating a podcast where I sometimes slip on my words and I forget what I'm gonna say. And I try to fix not to fixate on my filler words because I when I read the transcript, I'm like, girl, you need to stop saying X, Y, and Z. But I'm fighting the perfectionist demons as I share my podcast and my stories, and I have as As I just mentioned earlier, so many healers that I have in the pipeline that I want to bring to the forum here so that they can give it a little intro on what they do and that the listeners can you, the listeners can look into them. And if it feels if you feel full called to it, I encourage you to take the leap, give it a shot. Because even if you don't get exactly what you want out of it, you're still progressing. Remember, any movement is forward movement. It's when you stay stagnant, when you stay comfortable, when you escape that you're not moving forward. So if you're using like I was, substances to kind of, you know. To calm down, to not feel the feels, then you're not progressing in the way that you came here to progress. And so I want to leave you all with a quote that I heard, or quotes rather, that have really resonated with me, particularly in these past couple of days. And it says both faith and fear demand you to believe in the unseen. Fear asks you to believe in the worst case scenario and visualize pain that has not yet happened. Faith asks you to believe in possibility. Healing in the idea that something better is on its way. So I am choosing faith. I am my faith is evolving. As I said, I didn't really believe in a God. I was very logical at first, and now I'm I'm shifting that belief. I do believe in God. I do believe there was a Jesus. I believe in the divine, and I believe that we're God is within all of us. And so I'm here choosing faith. And for my listeners, I hope that what I share with you resonates and you can find something that helps you feel in. Feel unstuck because you have control of your life. The beauty of it is it's you have full control. Nobody can take that away from you. I want us all to live a fulfilling life, and I am here to do that. So let's raise the collective. Thank you so much for listening. If this resonates, I encourage you to share with a friend, share with someone that you think it might be helpful to. Also, please rate the podcast. A five-star rating would do tremendously to reach the right people. I am all about reaching the people that I the souls that need to hear this stuff. Because when I was in the thick of it, a podcast saved my life. I will continue to repeat that. I want to be I want to return favor to the world. So thank you again and I will see you guys next week.