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Quiet Toxicity At Work | High-Functioning Anxiety Unmasked · Work Stress Anxiety | Burnout Prevention & Work Anxiety Help

• 0:23
  Speaker 0: Hi, it's Cheryl here. Welcome to Work Stress Anxiety by ABGW.
• 0:33
  Speaker 0: 1 of the most expensive mistakes I think we make at work is assuming that everyone being nice means that they are safe.
• 0:46
  Speaker 0: Nice can be real. Keep it.
• 0:52
  Speaker 0: I'm not saying let's throw kindness into the bin like some unwanted office sandwich but nice can also be what I would call surface level, strategic.
• 1:08
  Speaker 0: Nice can be what happens before pressure arrives.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: And sometimes people who smile at you most warmly is not the person who's protecting your welfare, who respects your role as a manager or leader, or is telling the truth when it matters.
• 1:34
  Speaker 0: Annoyingly, I know.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: Very inconvenient of reality, isn't it?
• 1:41
  Speaker 0: This is part 2 of the seasons reveal people.
• 1:45
  Speaker 0: In part 1, we looked at what happens when new management change, the emotional weather at work. Today we're going a
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: bit deeper into Discernment and how to recognise the difference between friendly contact and genuine safety.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: The reason this matters to me is because people often do not leave damaging situations only because someone openly was cruel.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: Sometimes they leave because the atmosphere became impossible to breathe in while everyone continued using very reasonable tones of voice. That is the bit people struggle to explain.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: It sounds like a small thing from the outside, a tone, a meeting, a shift in access, a lack of warmth, being left out or being watched, a sense that if you say the wrong thing, the floor might quietly move underneath you.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: And because nobody has shouted, your brain says, maybe I'm imagining it.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: Your body may be saying something completely different though.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: What I've noticed is that many High Functioning Women have been trained directly or indirectly, to be reasonable at their own expense.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: Give people the benefit of the doubt, don't be difficult, be professional, keep the peace, don't make it awkward.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: Maybe they didn't mean it.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: Maybe you should just be more resilient.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: There it is, the old Resilience trumpet.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: But Resilience without reality can become self abandonment. You
• 3:53
  Speaker 0: can be fair and still protect yourself. You can
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: be compassionate and still notice patterns.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: You can give someone the benefit of the doubt once or twice without giving them the keys to your nervous system.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: This is not about deciding that everyone's a villain, because they're not, it's about learning that people belong in different categories of access.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: Some people are safe for your total honesty.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: Some people are safe for polite work conversation.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: Some need boundaries, documentation, and a witness if conversations are becoming difficult.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: That's not drama, that's Discernment.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: So how do you tell the difference between nice and safe?
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: Safe usually has a pattern. Safe is consistent. Safe is clear.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: Safe respects your role.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: Safe doesn't punish you for asking reasonable questions.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: Safe doesn't make you pay emotionally for having boundaries.
• 5:17
  Speaker 0: Safe doesn't require you to
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: perform cheerfulness before you are treated fairly, and safe certainly leaves your nervous system steadier, not smaller.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: Nice, I think, may be warm in the moment, but if the pattern leaves you confused, tense, over responsible or unsure where you stand, that
• 5:49
  Speaker 0: is not nice. That is information.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: And in workplace terms, this often shows through relationship support roles and change. Are relationships being respectful?
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: Is support actually available or is it just mentioned in meetings? Is your role clear or is it consistently shifting?
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: Is change explained properly or are you expected to absorb it with a smile while you're dunking a biscuit into your tea?
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: And if things are becoming uncomfortable, keep it grounded.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: Date, time, what happened, what was said, what changed, what impact it had, what you asked for, what response you received.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: Now, you might wanna try this little micro step, I call it the 3 column people map.
• 6:59
  You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: warmth, pressure, evidence.
• 7:05
  You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: Under warmth, you write down the people or the person that does that genuine support of you, not what they say, what they do.
• 7:20
  You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: Under pressure, write what happens when you you're left tense, small, confused, rushed, silenced or over explaining.
• 7:36
  You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: And under evidence, write the plain facts, dates if relevant, examples.
• 7:44
  You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: No, it's not about character assassination here, it's just about behaviour and impact.
• 7:50
  You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: So for example, Warmth, you might say they want open communication. They say they want open communication.
• 7:59
  You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: I feel anxious after my 1 to ones and unclear often about expectations. Evidence.
• 8:08
  You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: In the last 3 meetings, priorities changed without written follow-up. That kind of note keeps you out of the fog.
• 8:19
  You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: Remember what I always say about relief and restoration?
• 8:23
  You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: Relief is telling yourself they are nice really, so it's probably fine, because you need the discomfort to stop.
• 8:33
  You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: Restoration is saying they may be nice, but I still need to look at the pattern. Both things can be true.
• 8:43
  You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: Someone can have really nice, good qualities and still not be safe with your vulnerability, your trust, your energy or your career decisions. So
• 8:57
  Speaker 0: remember, nice is not the same as safe.
• 9:01
  Speaker 0: Safety at work is shown through consistent fairness, clarity, support, respect and behaviour over time.
• 9:13
  Speaker 0: Trust the pattern more than the performance.
• 9:18
  Speaker 0: So if this episode has helped you in any little way please follow the podcast. This has been Work Stress Anxiety by ABGW.
• 9:29
  Speaker 0: I am Cheryl Paris.
• 9:31
  Speaker 0: Remember it's calm 1st, reality 1st then change because every step you take no matter how small is a step towards a brighter more balanced future.
• 9:43
  Speaker 0: Trust in your journey and remember progress is progress, no matter the pace. Bye for now.