Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Does Attachment Style Change In Different Relationships?

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Does Attachment Style Change In Different Relationships? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom, show today, I'm going to be answering a question from
• 0:10
  a private Facebook group member, who asked of attachment style
• 0:14
  can change within relationships across relationships rather such
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  that you are preoccupied and Juan and avoidant and the other
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  Etc. So that is a good question.
• 0:23
  Something people ask a lot and if you like questions, like
• 0:25
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  No, that's a separate platform that's through anchor.
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  Including most recently, when you're arrogant and
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  condescending, your wife's not gonna want to have sex with you,
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  that's like a way that have defense mechanism her brain, you
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  know, erect such as that she doesn't have to, you know, feel
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  like shit around you, by also being attracted to a man that's
• 1:02
  not treating her well and if you've ever heard anything like
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  That if your wife is called you, you know, arrogant and that's
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  the episode for you as well as about 100 others.
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  content, so higher percentage of these will be paid episode.
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  So then you should you should pay its five ninety-nine a
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  month, the Facebook group is different that's for Ninety-Nine
• 1:30
  a month. But anyway, so moving on the
• 1:33
  attachment style issue. You.
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  So, what frequently happens is that people with insecure
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  attachment, grow up, seeing a pursuer, and a distance sir in
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  the relationship that they see between their parents.
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  And one is an avoidant attachment.
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  One is preoccupied attachment and they see this.
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  So when they look for a partner, they look for the same Dynamic.
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  Now based on how the partner acts, they could be totally
• 1:56
  different one of those but they're usually one of those.
• 1:59
  They don't somehow move to secure.
• 2:01
  Like secure is nothing that they saw so they have no template for
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  it. They say.
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  The above the pursuer distance R so they know how both sides of
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  that goes implicitly based on their personality.
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  You know, they met frequently go to one end of that either the
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  pursuer or the distance or more frequently but overall they kind
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  of know the dance subconsciously.
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  They could play both parts, they know what it looks like.
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  If they are very extreme than they're always avoided within
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  relationships, if they're if they're very extreme.
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  So like if they are also a high c, Ation Seeker who cause I
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  talked about this at their personality types that look like
• 2:39
  avoidant attachment but it's just personality traits that was
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  a recent episode, not all avoidant attachment is avoidant
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  attachment was what it was called I think.
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  And so if they're just a you know somebody who really likes
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  Hobbies really likes friends, super sensation-seeking, hate
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  staying home and just cuddling then, you know, if they also
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  were raised in an environment with a pursuer distance, sir
• 3:00
  parent Dynamic, then they will be avoidant attachment.
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  Most likely, whereas, But who's more, highly sensitive.
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  And, you know, just thinks about relationships, more frequently,
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  female is going to be preoccupied attachment.
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  If she saw that a lot of preoccupied men, though, I've
• 3:16
  written about that, but not as many as women so, so, yeah.
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  But they can't really do is know how to do the balance.
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  So secure attachment really eludes them.
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  So that is something that can be changed though by therapy and by
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  working within a healthy relationship.
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  Now, if this was like, Like a, you know, a Survivor style or a
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  reality show, and I talked a lot about how reality shows are
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  educational. I have a podcast on that.
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  So if your wife asks you to watch them, you should and
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  discuss them. But if this was a reality show
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  where you were allowed to take it avoided or preoccupied person
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  and pair them, and marry them to a securely attached.
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  Person is possible that they would grow more securely
• 3:59
  attached, but in the real world, securely attached people don't
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  really marry. Insecurely attached people
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  because those people are they weird them out.
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  You know, like the securely attached person is used to
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  seeing a relationship where there was give and take and
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  where people wanted to spend time together but also had their
• 4:17
  own lives, and they was calm, and there wasn't a lot of
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  conflict. They grew up in these happy
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  homes and there are people who have happy homes.
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  I mean, there's no such thing as quote, perfect, you know, but
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  there's happier and there are a lot of kids who grew up just,
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  you know, and a home, those pretty happy.
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  That's the goal. I assume all of us have for our
• 4:37
  own children, so it is possible. But yeah, so if they were
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  somehow yoked to a securely attached person, then who also
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  happened to be very attracted to them and motivated and could not
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  leave. Because in this reality show,
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  the securely attached person could have no other options and
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  had to make it work then. Yes, through the love of this
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  securely attached person. And from modeling on this
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  person, the insecurely attached person would probably loosen up
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  a little bit, and in one of the domains, on whatever end of the
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  spectrum. They were and become more
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  securely attached themselves and that analogy is kind of what
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  happens in couples counseling. Over time, both partners are
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  trying to grow more securely attached and as they do, they
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  fight less, they're more empathic and they give their
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  partner, the best chance to also be securely attached in.
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  This is happening bi-directionally in a good
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  couples counseling situation over time both Partners grow
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  more securely attached. So so yeah, so that's the one
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  that That's harder, but even that with work can be done.
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  And that's what I always talk about with re parenting over
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  time in a happy marriage. Were a mostly happy marriage,
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  you are re parenting one another and filling one another's.
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  Deficits that you got as a kid because even kids that grew up
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  in happy families, have some kind of, you know, you're
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  learning or lack whether it was for more attention or whatever,
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  a lot of kids around, who knows. But over time these people
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  re-parent each other and end up in very securely.
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  Tat relationships. Secure attachment you should go
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  way back to the attachment style podcast.
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  I think that's a paid one. The original one where I talk
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  about attachment Styles is a paid one and then I have some
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  after that the talk about individual Styles but yeah you
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  can you can go from insecure to secure but it takes a lot of
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  effort. Going between the two in.
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  Secures is interesting because like somebody who's avoidant
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  attachment they can frequently act preoccupied if they get a
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  different kind of party. Murder somebody who's even more
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  avoidant than them. Because remember subconsciously,
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  they only know, one Dynamic a pursuer and just answer and if
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  somebody's not pursuing them then they may pursue.
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  So then they get anxious but this still doesn't mean that
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  it's a happy relationship, a lot of women are like, oh you know
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  what, I really want. I want my husband to be jealous
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  and to want to know where I go and to, you know, be so consumed
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  with me like I am with him, but if they actually got that, they
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  wouldn't want that. What they really want is a
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  secure attachment Me. They just don't know how to say
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  it. They don't even think it's
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  possible. Some women don't even think it's
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  possible and some men too. So some people that grow up in
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  Dysfunctional homes don't even think it's possible to be in a
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  secure relationship. They think that somebody always
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  has to be jealous and controlling and anxious and so
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  they just don't want it to be them for a change, but that's
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  not the sum total of where your relationship can get to.
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  Of course, the the goal is to get to a healthy secure
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  attachment. And that if you've been raised
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  in a dysfunctional, Family, sometimes, this is only possible
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  with therapy, or with deep introspection or self work of
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  some sort. But, of course, I see it, mostly
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  happen with therapy where it's much more expedited than that,
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  but finding, the right partner is somebody who are compatible
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  with is certainly helpful. So it's going to exacerbate,
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  your attachment style, if you find somebody that you're
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  incompatible with, because, for example, if you're preoccupied,
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  you tend toward preoccupied and you get a guy Who is, you know,
• 8:07
  really super selfish then. Yeah that's your it's going to
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  amplify everything that you think about the world.
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  So for people that are preoccupied or avoid and in most
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  relationships, they sometimes change in the honeymoon stage
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  with the other person is very different but then usually they
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  can revert or in a in a different scenario.
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  They stay the other insecure one, they don't really We move
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  into secure again without tremendous work.
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  Or, you know some work, you know, at least some work and
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  secure attachment is the gold here.
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  So, gold standard, and that is, when just for the, you know, a
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  little review, your vacillating between exploring, the world and
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  coming back to a secure base. And this is really not something
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  that people who grew up in a dysfunctional family.
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  See so they only see fighting Conflict bitterness
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  disconnection fighting Etc and they don't really know on a deep
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  level that there can be a relationship.
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  It's very, it seems very fictional seems like something
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  from TV to think that there are people in the world that
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  actually have happy relationships where there's not
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  a lot of fighting but that is not fictional.
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  And this is, you know, its own topic.
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  But if you feel like all relationships and all members of
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  the opposite, sex are going to be disappointing and all men
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  suck or Women are selfish or men or, you know, cheaters whatever
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  this is, obviously stuff that you learn and you should have
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  empathy for yourself as a child because obviously you were
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  basically told this some people remember actually being told
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  that by a parent or some people got it out of the environment,
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  you know, because they always saw like Dad cheats on Mom or
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  whatever the case may be. But this isn't real.
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  You were trained to think this way you were trained to think
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  that all relationships have somebody that gets Screwed.
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  You know and one selfish one, and one martyr or whatever.
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  Or sometimes two super dramatic. People, you know, but we're to
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  completely disconnected people. But that's what you learn.
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  So, you know, you're a good learner, you're a mammal.
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  You learned from your environment, but that does not
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  mean that that's how it has to go.
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  So if you are always avoided and your other relationships, but
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  now you're preoccupied, you have your under the danger.
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  The illusion that this is like the love of your life now
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  because you're obsessed with them and you never were obsessed
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  with anybody before. No?
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  You're just like acting bad in a different way.
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  The other way the other parent is who you're modeling on now.
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  So as long as there's any like super controlling anxious
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  conflictual Behavior, you're still not in the right
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  relationship, you're still not done enough, work on yourself
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  you know to be a healthy partner because there's not To be any of
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  that in a healthy functional relationship, so it's not just
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  like that. Now, you found the person that
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  you can be obsessed with and you can be the controlling jealous
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  one and that that means it's the love of your life know that I
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  see people in this situation all the time, you know, or or the
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  other one where women are like, oh, I used to be jealous and
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  controlling of all of these guys.
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  But now, I've met this one and I don't really care what he does
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  on the weekend. We just do our own things.
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  That's a mature relationship. No, it just means you're acting
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  avoidant. Now, you're the distance sir.
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  And this happens to a lot of women after they've gotten hurt
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  a lot by being the preoccupied, controlling jealous, one in
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  Prior dating relationships, they're like, all right, I'm
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  going to meet a stable guy, I'm finally going to make it work.
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  I'm going to be in a healthy relationship and so basically
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  they find somebody who acts like they did toward other guys.
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  The pursuing crazy behavior, where they're like, calling all
• 12:00
  the time and acting like very out of control.
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  They find someone who feels like that about Then so because they
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  only know one Dynamic. So, it's basically, they're
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  deciding to now be the avoidant partner and so yeah, they know
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  that dance to that was the other parent.
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  The one that they didn't emulate in previous relationships, the
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  other one, you know. And so then they do that and
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  that's not good either, you know.
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  And it's just not those are not the sum total of your
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  possibilities. In a relationship is to either
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  be the pursuer or to be the distance sir.
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  And if you think that, that is the case then It's because
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  that's how you were raised and it is because that is you know,
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  what you were exposed to. So you don't really understand
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  experientially that there could be anything else and this is
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  what therapy can help with is understanding.
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  Some people, as I mentioned frequently, don't even
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  understand that there could be relationships without fighting
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  or that there could be relationships where people enjoy
• 12:54
  spending time with each other. That's just like crazy to them
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  because they never saw that at all in their family of origin.
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  Their parents were just hated each other.
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  Trying to get away from each other.
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  There's constant conflict. Or there was just no
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  relationship mom and dad, a complete separate lives.
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  So whatever you saw is what you innately assume everything is
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  even if you're a smart person and intellectually you know that
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  can't be right on a gut level. You think that it is right?
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  You think maybe every those happy people are hiding, the
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  fact that they feel disconnected or, you know, some women think
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  every man would cheat if he was given the right circumstance.
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  No, that's not true. Just as every woman wouldn't,
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  you know, and but if you were raised in these kind of Anal
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  scenarios than you think that the only things available.
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  The only options available are basically a pursuer distant sir
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  but you know you just kind of got to pick one almost
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  subconsciously or consciously. You got to just pick one.
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  So by consciously I mean when people think that they're doing
• 13:52
  the right thing by saying I'm not going to get somebody that
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  like you know makes me feel insecure but then they haven't
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  done any deep work. So then they end up making the
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  person feel insecure because then they just go to the other
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  side. I'd wear the avoidant attachment
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  part. All right.
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  Well, I hope that this cleared it up.
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  I have a lot of stuff on attachment.
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  Attachment is an interesting area and thanks so much for
• 14:15
  listening. And please do join my Facebook
• 14:18
  group. If you like talking about
• 14:19
  attachment everybody, in their talks about it document quite a
• 14:22
  lot. And I will talk to you soon.
• 14:24
  Bye.