Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When You Broke Up With Partners Who Liked You Too Much And Chose To Marry The One Who Didn't

Transcript

When You Broke Up With Partners Who Liked You Too Much And Chose To Marry The One Who Didn't · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom show.
• 0:09
  Today, we're going to be talking about people who are in the
• 0:12
  situation where they married. The person that was in to them
• 0:15
  the least out of all their prior Partners.
• 0:17
  Why would somebody do this crazy thing?
• 0:19
  Well, it's unfortunately common. So I've thought long and hard
• 0:24
  about why and not that long and hard though, because I've told
• 0:27
  you why, if you go back to anything else I've read you will
• 0:31
  start to recognize why as I start speaking.
• 0:34
  I mean anything? Outside said or you know,
• 0:36
  written or done on a video or whatever, but before I do that,
• 0:40
  please do subscribe. The most recent one was why to
• 0:43
  divorce when you're not angry but accepting and I have loads
• 0:45
  and loads of others and others coming out all the time and
• 0:49
  that's as much as I could say about that.
• 0:51
  You should also join my Facebook group that does not get you the
• 0:53
  podcast. But it does get you a lot of
• 0:56
  conversation and a lot of Engagement with me and I do take
• 1:00
  a lot of requests that are in that group for podcasts and
• 1:03
  video topics to you. All right.
• 1:05
  So why would somebody just try like, try?
• 1:10
  Try to pause after I asked the question.
• 1:11
  See how much you've learned from me?
• 1:13
  Why would somebody marry somebody that isn't into that?
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  Even if they've had experiences, knowing that other people can be
• 1:20
  into them doo-doo-doo. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
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  doo-doo-doo-doo-doo? Why, because attachment, because
• 1:30
  attachment, because if you learned growing up, that you're
• 1:34
  Very lovable because your parents didn't pay that much
• 1:37
  attention to you. Again, no fault of their own,
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  you know. They had their own fucking shit
• 1:41
  on their plate. I'm sure their childhood was
• 1:43
  crap but you know also no fault of yours.
• 1:46
  You know, you didn't deserve it either.
• 1:47
  But if you learned that, you are not very lovable or even very
• 1:51
  likeable, then if people liked you, or loved you, or were That
• 1:55
  Into You, you were like, who is this person with no judgment
• 2:00
  this woman? Or man is crazy.
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  I don't want to, to be with them.
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  Them. Look how into me.
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  They are. It's like it's like gross, like
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  they're smothering me. You know.
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  I don't want this. I don't want somebody who's this
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  into me. It like means there's something
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  weird about them or something makes me feel super
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  uncomfortable because it's super unfamiliar to be with somebody
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  that likes me this much. Oh, I know who I'll go for that
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  person over there. That can't really, you know,
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  look at me straight in the face with whom.
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  I do not have fulfilling sex that.
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  Can assume then has very good judgment because they don't
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  really like me that much reminds me of home.
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  Now, of course, none of this is articulated, but that's kind of
• 2:44
  how it goes in the subconscious. If you had, I talk to so many
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  guys who had sexually fulfilling relationships prior to their
• 2:51
  wife and they say, yes, of course, I know what it would be
• 2:55
  like. So so so basically, I say to
• 2:56
  them something like, well, you know, maybe you're too hard on
• 2:59
  her. Maybe this is a fulfilling sex
• 3:01
  life, maybe she's into it, right?
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  They say, no, no, no. I know what it's like, when a
• 3:05
  woman's into me sexually, for example, my girlfriend in my in
• 3:09
  college, she was loved oral sex and of course I say she's
• 3:13
  probably not going down on her now husband every day.
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  Like obviously, you know, I tried to bring the man into
• 3:19
  reality but he's like when I compare, you know, but but you
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  know, he has some reality there too.
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  Which is basically a woman who went down on you everyday and
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  your courtship probably is not going to turn into a woman who
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  will never do it because it's too gross that happens
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  sometimes. Times, you know, women's
• 3:36
  hormones change, they have a baby, they get depressed.
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  A lot of shit happens. They are grieving something.
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  They have unresolved trauma. You cheated on them or were a
• 3:47
  dick like a million reasons that a woman could stop going down on
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  you, but the one that they will not have is that they never ever
• 3:54
  did. It always thought it was gross
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  and you just convinced yourself that it didn't matter because
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  why? Because you don't know you don't
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  really remember anymore. Now you think it was pretty
• 4:04
  stupid. Stupid.
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  Well, I'll tell you what happens is these men there with women
• 4:09
  that are into them. And I've seen it happen, time
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  and time again. So they're into the woman that
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  I'll go down on them all the time and that enjoy sex and has
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  an orgasm and all of this stuff. But she they have some problem
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  with her. Maybe she not smart enough,
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  maybe she's too clingy, maybe she wants to get married too
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  fast and just have babies. Maybe she doesn't have a career,
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  whatever it is. They distance themselves from
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  this woman because she makes them uncomfortable.
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  He's too into them and what they instead decide to go for and a
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  subconscious level. But a very conscious level that
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  the decision is made. They decide to go for a woman
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  who then becomes due to do the avoidant wife in the avoidant
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  wife podcast, a woman who could really take them or leave them.
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  And at the beginning, they're like, oh my God, this is so
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  great. This fits so well into my life,
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  look is so amazing. She don't even want to hang out
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  with me man. I got a lot of stuff done.
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  I have a million hobbies. My career is on.
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  On overdrive. Why?
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  Because, you know, she could really, you know, doesn't really
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  care if I live or die. So, you know she sees me once a
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  week, she smiles, we joke around because we're in our 20s we
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  could probably joke around that a funeral when you're in your
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  twenties and yeah but we don't have that much sex but I mean
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  I'm sure it'll get better or it won't or doesn't matter.
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  She's hot she likes me seems to like me sometimes you know likes
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  me at least well enough to see me once a week or twice a week
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  and yeah we're good to go but that isn't what is really
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  happening. Putting on a subconscious level
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  what's happening is that you are uncomfortable with the person
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  that's to into you and women do this too.
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  That's the guy that they feel is smothering suffocating you know,
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  too many presents and too much. I love you.
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  Sure there are people who are super preoccupied attachment but
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  frequently when you go back through people's dating history,
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  it wasn't like I had all these like super clingy people that
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  were the ones that they thought were clingy when they go back
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  through it, they're like, oh yeah, yeah, in retrospect that
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  person just wanted to see me a lot, you know.
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  Like and I didn't like that because that is something I was
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  not used to. I wasn't used to being an object
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  of pursuit in any way because when I grew up I wasn't like
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  that at all. I was the one kind of, you know,
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  left to my own devices all the time.
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  So what felt familiar to me is to find a partner would leave me
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  to my own devices and now I realized that that's because
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  there were just were not that into me / relationship, / sex.
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  So Can you use this to kind of understand your life, better?
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  Well, I had a podcast. Don't blame.
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  Your partner for being the person who you picked when you
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  have lower self-esteem and that is exactly what I'm talking
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  about with this as well. You know, when you have lower
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  self-esteem, somebody liking you too much like viscerally like to
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  a feeling of kind of disgust and revulsion in you and now you're
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  very different and you wish that you would have given those
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  people more of a time of day the people that were into you back
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  in the day. Well I mean Is no time machine.
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  You don't want to cheat on your spouse.
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  So what should you do about it now?
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  Well, the first thing is to stop blaming them and acting like in
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  some way they changed or it was like some kind of bait and
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  switch. It really wasn't.
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  It's not a bait and switch for a woman.
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  That's only having sex with you a couple times a week in the
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  honeymoon stage and who always is cool with you working or see
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  in your friends or doing your 3,000 Hobbies or basically not
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  seeing you much, it's not a bait-and-switch.
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  When that woman goes from two times a week or one time a week
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  to one time a month, that's just literally the libido, the
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  libidinal change in a woman with in monogamy.
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  So when you are with the woman who is having sex with you every
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  single day and couldn't get enough of you, she probably
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  would have gone to every other day or twice a week, which now
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  would be super awesome for you. But that's only where you
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  started with the other woman. So the first thing is to
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  understand. She's just being unlike the
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  monogamists version of who she is.
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  Now, I'm by the way, you've probably pushed her away in many
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  ways by kind of consistently telling her, how disappointing
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  she is. In one way or another.
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  And she doesn't understand why, because she doesn't feel that
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  she changed seeing things with the man.
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  A lot of women go for very avoidant men, the emotionally
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  avoided man, and I did a podcast on a void and husband, this guy
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  was always hard to pin down. He always, did not want to be
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  emotionally close, you had to convince him to marry you.
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  The blade. So why are we blaming him now
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  for being the same exact got, it doesn't mean that you need to
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  stay with him forever. It doesn't mean that as you
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  learn and grow, you may not decide to end the relationship
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  because you met, but with a good thing to do, is to work on like
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  the bitterness and the resentment because bitterness
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  comes from thinking, things could have been different.
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  It couldn't have been different with the person that you picked
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  knowing that they like knowing the type of person that you had
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  to basically, Be attracted to, you know, this because you had
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  the option of being with other people and didn't even pick
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  them, you pick the one that wasn't as into you giving your
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  tendency to do that which was stemming from your upbringing
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  and your subconscious tied to that sort of dynamic, it could
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  not have gone any other way, you know and this really helps you
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  to get to a place that's beyond blame where you're not like oh
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  why is my husband acting so emotionally unavailable girl he
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  acted emotionally unavailable from the first fucking date.
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  I promise you, I You good. Well, I will bet you good money
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  that if you think back to the earliest weeks of the
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  relationship, there was even at the very beginning of feeling
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  that you weren't fully accessing him, that he wasn't fully
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  present. And if it wasn't in the first
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  few weeks, which some people, they're just like in this
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  unusual situation, maybe they made on vacation or they meet
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  like you know, in the last year of college when When They Don't
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  Really Care much about their grades, they could stay in bed
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  all day, whatever with the it definitely, before the wedding,
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  definitely, before the wedding, you picked up on that.
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  This man was hard to pin down and probably before he proposed,
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  and it was probably kind of not the proposal that you wanted,
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  and he waited a little long and there was talk about it because
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  already, it was difficult to get him to commit.
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  And so now when you're thinking is hard for him to commit now
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  there was always hard for him to commit.
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  He was always emotionally unavailable.
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  But the reason that this resonated with you and with such
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  a draw to you was because this is what you grew up with, right?
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  You grew up feeling like you were not somebody worthy of your
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  parents, full attention and full Focus.
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  So a man that gave you his full attention and focus.
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  That was not appealing to you. So as I discussed with Imago
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  Theory, you get somebody like your caregiver and then you
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  fantasize about changing them in ways, you can never change your
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  caregiver. So a woman who has an
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  emotionally unavailable parent, gets an emotionally unavailable
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  Oh, man. And then tries her hardest to
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  change them into somebody emotionally available.
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  Whereas all the emotionally unavailable men that were
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  saying, oh, why don't we hang out?
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  She doesn't want a man who says, why don't we hang out?
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  She wants a man that she has to beg to hang out with her or put
• 11:19
  herself into exactly the right situation or think about how she
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  could get his attention. That's what Hooks her it.
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  Now as you whether you're a man or a woman as you grow older,
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  you go through therapy. You're thinking about things
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  differently, you may say I really do want the Then that
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  puts me on a pedestal in at least certain ways.
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  Although I have an interesting podcast coming up, the one that
• 11:40
  I promised you in a previous podcast, I have it coming up on.
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  Why never to go to the person who completely puts you on a
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  pedestal because that is indicative of true, the
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  narcissistic /, borderline Tendencies.
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  But what I mean by a pedestal here, maybe I misspoke, maybe, I
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  shouldn't even conflate those terms at all, maybe there's no
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  good pedestal because I would never want you to do the bad
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  pedestal. So I shouldn't say any pedestal
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  is good. So instead of a pedestal I'll
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  say the person who prioritizes you.
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  So maybe now you want to go for the person prioritises you and
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  maybe that could never be your current spouse.
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  But you need to get to a place beyond hate and bitterness and
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  resentment and it can be very useful to do that thinking, back
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  to how many people you didn't take that would have prioritized
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  you or shown you that they did prioritize you but that's also
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  unfamiliar and weird to you whether it was in the bedroom or
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  emotionally, whatever, Whatever way that you wanted them to
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  prioritize you, there were people that did for most people.
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  They had experiences of being prioritized, but just found
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  problems with these people because it was so uncomfortable
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  for them to be in that situation and then as you get older and
• 12:49
  more confident and you understand more about yourself.
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  Then, when you meet somebody who prioritizes you, then you love
• 12:56
  it, you love it. And you want to prioritize them
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  back and it feels like a wonderful equal loving Bishop
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  versus something where you're always pining for attention and
• 13:09
  affection that you can't get and you can't get it because you
• 13:12
  literally picked somebody that did not have the capacity to do
• 13:15
  it and they showed you that a lot early on and you just you
• 13:20
  just didn't want to see it because you had the fantasy of
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  changing them into something better.
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  But the whole reason that you were drawn to them was that they
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  were somebody who did not give sufficient attention and
• 13:31
  affection and this can be a transformative Epiphany for
• 13:34
  Majority of people who realize it.
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  And in second marriages, after you have been divorced from
• 13:40
  somebody who never gave you the level of affection, whether it
• 13:44
  was sexual physical emotional, spiritual, whatever, the sort of
• 13:48
  communion and closeness that you wanted, when you find somebody
• 13:51
  with, whom you can have that relationship, then it can be
• 13:54
  very healing. So while if you get divorced the
• 13:57
  first marriage may not quote repair and do as I discussed in
• 14:00
  my podcast and posts about re parenting the second marriage
• 14:04
  met. You know, and I and other people
• 14:06
  and healthy, second marriages have felt this you know, finally
• 14:10
  you're at a place where you can give and receive love freely and
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  we're you believe that you deserve to be prioritized by
• 14:17
  some and to prioritize somebody else, you know?
• 14:20
  And that can be the healing experience that you were hoping
• 14:24
  your first marriage would be but by virtue of Who You Picked, you
• 14:27
  basically ensure that that couldn't happen.
• 14:30
  So if you feel like this resonates with you, And yeah,
• 14:35
  like you, you two are the problem like not in a blame way,
• 14:40
  but it isn't just that your spouse, like, offered something
• 14:43
  that they then didn't really give the woman who had a million
• 14:48
  hard stops around sexual acts when she was in her young 20s,
• 14:53
  that's a woman who has trouble with closeness and intimacy, the
• 14:57
  man who you had to kind of, like convince into becoming your
• 15:01
  husband because he quote, didn't believe in me.
• 15:04
  Marriage. Like he was telling you what he
• 15:07
  was, he was different. He doesn't want a closeness like
• 15:11
  he doesn't fully prioritize you over.
• 15:14
  He prayed over what he prioritize, has in himself his
• 15:17
  philosophies, his principles or whatever, isn't intimacy with
• 15:21
  you. These people were telling you,
• 15:23
  what they were and you can contrast that in most cases
• 15:27
  with, at least one prior person who did prioritize you, that you
• 15:32
  felt. Mmm.
• 15:33
  Nah that person. Now I don't know.
• 15:35
  I just don't feel it with that. You just don't feel it with them
• 15:38
  because they weren't your Imago, they liked you too much too
• 15:43
  much. There's a Nora Ephron quote
• 15:45
  which was I you know like when I was young I used to date I used
• 15:48
  to get rid of men for any reason Too Tall.
• 15:51
  Too Short, too fat too thin, too nice.
• 15:54
  Oh God, just give me back to nice again, right?
• 15:57
  Or something like that, and it's true.
• 15:59
  I mean, and many men and women have this Epiphany.
• 16:03
  Like, when I was young, I was looking for a challenge that
• 16:06
  Celeste psychologically minded, way to discuss Imago theory on
• 16:09
  the, you know, your subconscious magnetic draw to people who are
• 16:13
  Not That Into You is liking a challenge, you know.
• 16:17
  And and I just should have been happy with the person who was
• 16:21
  offering me love but you know you're young you don't know and
• 16:25
  you come from a childhood where you never saw love freely.
• 16:28
  Given between two people that equally prioritized one another
• 16:31
  and a healthy way, you had no template for.
• 16:33
  So how could you be On to it. So you need to build forgive
• 16:36
  yourself and forgive your partner from this place.
• 16:40
  Either you could go to couples counseling and try to learn how
• 16:42
  to love one another, in healthier closer ways.
• 16:46
  Or some people realize that their relationship just can
• 16:49
  never ever work, you know, but I mean, that's an obviously super
• 16:53
  individual decision based on Myriad circumstances including
• 16:58
  how long you have worked on the relationship after having this
• 17:01
  Epiphany that it isn't your partner's quote for, Fault and
• 17:05
  that they were really showing who they were from the beginning
• 17:07
  as everyone kind of does. And that's why you should be in
• 17:10
  therapy when you're dating, you know, because therapist can
• 17:12
  really help. You see these red flags when
• 17:16
  it's your second time around so that you don't get into the same
• 17:18
  kind of relationship that didn't work out the first time and that
• 17:22
  you can notice and be open to people who actually really like
• 17:25
  you and want to be with you and not find that to be a turn off.
• 17:28
  And while it sounds stupid to say it some of you know exactly
• 17:32
  what I mean. If they like me too much, it's
• 17:34
  at Turn off my god, wow, I really am fucking myself.
• 17:38
  And if you have that sort of epiphany, it's really, you know,
• 17:40
  you should have been in therapy to think about it and explore it
• 17:43
  started yesterday. So today is the second best.
• 17:46
  All right. I'll talk to you all soon.
• 17:47
  Hope you got a lot out of this and please do subscribe.
• 17:50
  And join the Facebook secret group.
• 17:52
  Bye bye.