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How Past Trauma Affects Your Relationships and What to Do About It with Dr. Ray Doktor · Libido Lounge

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Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido.
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We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food.
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Hi, everybody.
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Welcome back to another episode on the lounge.
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I'm your host, doctor Diane, your libido expert, and I'm thrilled today to introduce you
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to a new friend of mine, doctor Ray, who's a life and relationship coach, best selling
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author.
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We're gonna get into some really cool topics today, you guys, talking about trust and
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relationships and safety and really looking at even different techniques and actionable steps
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that you can use to get out of that kind of emotional amygdala hijacking scenario that
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sometimes happens to us as women, as humans in life.
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And we're gonna talk about all of that and more today.
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So welcome everybody, and big special welcome to you, doctor Ray.
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Thank you for spending time with me today.
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I am happy to be here.
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And when you said amygdala, I went, wow.
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I love the conversations.
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Yeah.
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It's it's real important.
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Right?
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So maybe we'll start there because I think it's such an important topic, right, around so many
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times I find in my work that one of the things that breaks down the libido in relationship and
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and out of relationship no matter where people are in their relationship journey, one of the
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things that can break down libido is feeling like feeling unsafe or feeling like they can't
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trust or just maybe their intuition, maybe somebody's intuition isn't being listened to
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anymore.
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And I I tend to find that this can happen from big trauma events, which is very obvious to
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people, but also simple little microtraumas, like the the way that somebody says something
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to us and we get triggered or we take it the wrong way and we hold on to that.
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So can you, like, just, you know, start our conversation maybe since you grabbed on to the
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word amygdala?
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Can you
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Yes.
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Well, first off, the the the purpose of amygdala is to assess whether something is
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threatening or nonthreatening.
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And once once it it assess that, it's very quickly that it gives you some type of
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appraisal, like, such as this can give us pleasure or it it runs.
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And, therefore, there's this idea that it can hurt us.
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And so where this could create challenges in our life And I know there might be if men were
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to hear this hear this, they would go, what what are you talking about this trust?
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I never hit you before.
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I don't I only yell if I drop something on my foot.
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What does that even mean?
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But if a couple is living together, and every time she approaches a a particular topic or
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wants to share her heart and the man reacts, he tries to fix it, he walks out, or he's checked
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out, then in time, that experience itself can feel like I'm not safe here to be myself.
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And, therefore, what that leads to is that this person that you might say that you're living
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with your partner, the wife, in time is that she's in, like, in a way where she doesn't feel
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safe in her environment.
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So if her amygdala is hypervigilant, if it's hypervigilant yes.
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I know.
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Logically, it should not be.
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But if it's hypervigilant, if her want to make love or be sexual would be equivalent to you,
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say, while she's in a tree and she just escaped a a a tiger, if you were to say, hey, honey.
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Do you wanna have a back massage?
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Hey.
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You know, do you wanna go out for ice cream?
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It's not gonna happen because she's been in this total stress mode hiding in a tree.
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And so the key thing of, like, through meditation, coaching, and other techniques is
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to calm the nervous system.
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And the nervous system, of course, will calm down the amygdala so you can experience
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pleasure and joy again.
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But not just that, where this usually takes, working with a coach or therapist, if you have
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unhealed trauma, your amygdala is going off all the time, probably not for the best reasons.
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So it would be like where you you were abused as a child, and, anytime you see a strong man
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or a big man, unconsciously reminds you of your father who used to hit you.
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Well, imagine meeting a man for the first time who just happens to be big and he's friendly.
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But because he's just big, your amygdala says, run.
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Hide.
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He's unsafe.
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I'm unsafe.
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And so we have to heal that.
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And that is what that leads to another conversation why people will self sabotage
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because they're trying to protect themselves or they're afraid of something.
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So
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that could be a place to go next.
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I I wanna make sure to comment that I really appreciate your analogy of the tree example.
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Right?
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Because I think it's so easy for us to hear things like, well, how is this related?
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Why would something silly like my partner not taking out the trash when I asked them to or my
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partner not calling, you know, when I'm five when he said he's gonna be five minutes or she
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said they were gonna be five minutes late for work, and they don't call.
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And that's upsetting, and that creates this trigger, and that creates unsafety.
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And and why is that?
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So I think your tree example is so important that it's like, it might not be seem logical
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based upon where we are in our current understanding of, you know, of trauma, but
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we're still programmed like we're running from that tiger, like we're running from that bear,
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or like we had that, you know, that bigger trauma example that you gave.
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So I think that's a really important thing, and and I do like the idea of moving into this self
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sabotage thing.
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So so let's let's break this down because what can happen, right, is that people can get into
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these these situations where they do this they repeat the same patterns over and over and over
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again.
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Right?
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So I'm curious if, like, that's part of what the self sabotage you're seeing where it's
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like, okay.
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I get this trigger from my partner because they said something in a way, and they didn't mean
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it, but I it really hurt my feelings or it really made me feel unsafe.
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And so then I react a certain way to protect myself.
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Libido shuts down, sex drive, connection, all the things.
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So is that sort of what you mean by self sabotaging is almost that vicious cycle of
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response?
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Yes.
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Absolutely.
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It's so most of the time, people think it's a conscious thing.
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But I when I talk about this self sabotaging, it's definitely an experience that's, say,
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separate from who you really are.
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In other words, it's like it's that darker, unhealed part of yourself leading the show.
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Okay?
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And I'll give you a real subtle one where I've seen women run, and that is when the man
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actually says, I love you.
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I love you.
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Because people who were closer to this woman when she was a little girl, they died.
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People who said they love love her betrayed her.
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So imagine she has this unhealed trauma, and it's not like it stops her from working or
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she's an alcoholic, but that they people call her, like, the runaway bride, you know, when
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that when, like, they a man is really serious, to, like, be with her.
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And it's just she's afraid to commit.
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She's afraid that she can't make her own choices.
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She's afraid to be hurt again.
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Therefore, she runs away.
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She self sabotages.
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So how does somebody know if they self sabotage?
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Because I you know, there can be situations, right, where leaving is the right thing, and
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maybe there's people that you know, some women I talk to, for example, say things to me like,
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oh, I'm a bad picker.
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Right?
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Like, I keep picking men that are just, like, maybe they're dysfunctional in some sort of way
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or maybe there's a value system align misalignment or whatever it is.
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And so I'll hear women say things like, yeah.
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I just I'm a bad picker.
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I just always pick bad men or the wrong men.
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So where how does somebody begin to know then, okay.
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Am I self sabotaging me myself?
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Or is my intuition right?
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Or am I a bad picker?
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I need to switch my strategy.
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How do we break that down?
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So I'm gonna make a generalization which can trigger a lot of women listening to this, and
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I'm okay with that.
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It's not my intentions.
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But I recognize that more with women, and women here in this might go, oh, but I've experienced
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that with boyfriends.
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So, yes, it happens with men also, and that has taken personal responsibility.
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Like so for example, I noticed that with a feminine person, whether whether it's a man or
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woman, if it feels a certain way, that actually might be truth rather than being actually
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factual.
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So what I mean by that is if you feel you didn't do something wrong, you might never say
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I was wrong just because you feel that way.
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And I understand that.
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Why this is important to understand, it's this.
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So if you meet a guy and your story after each experience is he was a jerk, he was this way,
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and so forth, and you're talking about all what was wrong with him and not how you
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participated, not what you learn, and how you grew, then you are not user relationships in
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the best way they could be to be a reflection of how you can grow.
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So I don't think women just necessarily choose bad men.
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I think it's more of this.
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Number one, they don't they don't have clear boundaries and honor the red flags that come up
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on the first date or even the first couple text messages.
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You know that.
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You ignore the red flags because you don't trust yourself.
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There's that.
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Number two, maybe no one has taught you that there are healthy men and unhealthy men and
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that there's a healthy way to discern the the difference.
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But if you've never met a healthy man, you might not know.
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That's why you work with a coach to develop, like, a love map of your values and so forth.
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So be clear with what you want.
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And then three, law of attraction.
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I believe that we attract what we are.
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And if even if it's not exactly like like where we, attracted, say, a narcissist, like, you've
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you you think, well, I'm a really loving person.
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You know, I care about others.
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You know, why is it that I keep attracting narcissists?
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Well, you might be a vibrational match because you're a people pleaser.
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You're the perfect perfect victim for the narcissist to perpetrate.
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So that's why what I mean by you might be a match or vibrationally, you'll attract that.
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But, also, if you always put out there, men are jerks, and I'm never gonna find one, well, just
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like a person who is afraid that they're gonna strike out before they go up there in a hit, if
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he's saying to him or herself, I'm gonna strike out.
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I suck.
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I'm a strike out.
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More likely, he or she will strike out.
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So we create those experiences, and it takes personal responsibility for us to kinda go,
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yes.
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I ignored the red flags.
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Two, I really don't trust myself.
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Three, I don't even know what a healthy relationship, is.
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And four, how do I, share my boundaries and my my deal breakers?
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You know?
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And and how do I start trusting that, you know, I can walk away from unhealthy relationships,
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and I can lean into healthy ones.
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I appreciate all that.
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I'm gonna ask a follow-up question, and I just wanna state that I'm sure there's people
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listening.
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As you said, I'm sure there's people that are listening that are triggered by this.
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So stay here because one of the things that that I do wanna ask doctor Ray that I'm gonna
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ask in a few few moments is more around, like, okay.
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Well, how do we get ourselves out of this cycle?
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So stay around for that.
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Before we do that, one of my questions for you, doctor Ray, is, like, as I hear you say all
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these things, right, to me, there's, like, if we're gonna fundamentally boil down everything
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you said into one thing, I what I hear is it's time to be more personally empowered.
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And so my question for you is, like because my my previous question was around okay.
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Well, if somebody is a bad picker, for example, and these things, then how do they know is it
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self sabotage or I'm just a bad picker?
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And what I'm hearing in what you are saying, and I want to know if this is accurate, is that
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in many ways, it's it's almost like it's not an either or, but it's more around, like, if
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things are not working out, right, then the fundamental thing is that self empowerment of
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of flipping that mirror around and looking at ourselves and saying, okay.
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Why am I stuck in these patterns?
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Why am I stuck here?
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Right?
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Would you say that's true, or am I missing something with what you're saying?
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You are accurate.
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So when I was working on my dissertation, this is when I was single, I felt a little bit
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insecure because I was writing my dissertation.
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And it was I had to write it in a, like, a a clinical way in sight, which is not natural to
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me.
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And I was stressed.
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And but I was also single, and I wanted to meet a woman.
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And it was strange how all three women I met were I was physically attracted to.
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I kissed each one of them on the first date.
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So you think that, oh, it went really well.
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We had a lot of fun.
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But then they disappeared, all three of them.
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What's interesting is that one of them happened to work at Emperor's College in Santa Monica,
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and she was working as an intern.
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And I had I remember her saying she was going to school there, but I didn't know which
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school.
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Well, I decided to get acupuncture, and they set me up with her.
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So just imagine that awkwardness, but, also, it was really cool.
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Like, of all the people that I got set up with, it's a person I went on a date with.
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I know some people listen to this and go, oh my god.
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It would've felt like this guy's a stalker, but just hold on a second here.
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So she was cool.
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You know?
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Like, she was into spirituality.
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Like, all three women that I went out with that we had the same interest.
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So they were, like, people who were introspective.
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Like, you and I, Diane, we could talk about everything, you know, pretty openly.
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So, I said, this is funny.
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She said, yes.
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I said, I was just curious.
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Like, I haven't you don't have to answer.
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You know?
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Like I said, but what happened?
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She said, honestly, she said, you were just a rebound person.
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She said, I, you know, I just broken up my boyfriend, and she said that.
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And what actually happened, like, a couple days after we went out, like, my cat was attacked by
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a dog and was almost killed.
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And so all my energy went to that, and I just decided to just kind of stay single and work on
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myself.
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She only went on one date with me.
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She didn't owe me a response.
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It was up to her to make me feel better because it was just one date.
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You know, I didn't feel necessary gaslighted or anything like that.
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It was just more like, oh, I saw it as a such a great blessing.
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You're like, oh my god.
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Most people never hear what happened.
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And so more and often, we just don't know, you know, because we don't talk to that person.
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But the thing was this, how I took responsibility for this and recognized, like,
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this was me.
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It was this.
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I really didn't wanna get a relationship right now.
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I was feeling really insecure.
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I had one foot in, one foot out.
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All these women were the same way.
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Uncertainty.
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I attracted uncertainty.
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I attracted basically those who were not available.
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I wasn't available.
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I was so immersed in my dissertation.
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You know what I That's
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not It sounds a bit.
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I I love that.
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And what I also hear in that is this whole concept, right, is that we can turn any story
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into a story.
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Right?
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Because you did find the reason with that one woman, but it would have been so easy to, like,
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make some story in one's head around, like, okay.
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Well, none of these people like me because x, y, and z, or I'm not this or all these, like,
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I'm not enough, whatever the story is.
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And I think this, you know, this kind of goes back to this, like, self empowerment thing.
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Like, in order to have more trust, in order to have more depth of connection, in order to have
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a better relationship physically, sexually, intimately with our partner and with ourselves.
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It comes down to releasing ourselves from those stories and the self sabotage and everything
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we're talking about.
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So in your experience, where do people start?
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Because I think I it's so true, right, when I see people in my community date and and I see
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this where people can go mad over, oh my gosh.
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I'm just not good enough, and this person doesn't like me for all these reasons.
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And it could be as simple as they're just have their own story.
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They just are getting back into date or whatever their story is.
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That is actually nothing to do with us, but we create our own self deprecating story out of
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it.
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So where do people start?
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How do people break this cycle?
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Well, as you were sharing this right now, you know, what came up for me was just here's a
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simple example in my book, All It Takes Is One, which is a simple matter of fact read that
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really breaks down consciousness in a really layman's way to understand, to understand how
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it shows up psychologically, emotionally, and and how it can run your life.
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And so there is a it's called the return of love exercise, and you are to answer these
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questions as quickly as possible.
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It's kinda like free association.
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Love means blah blah blah.
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My family taught me that love meant blah blah blah.
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I received love when I blah blah blah.
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I didn't receive love when I blah blah blah.
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I needed my parents to love when I I need to be loved when I I wish I had been loved when I so
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there's these questions, and in response might mean, you might come up with love equals pain
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to me.
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My family told me that love has to be earned.
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I received love when I achieved good grades.
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I didn't receive love when I disagreed with my parents.
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I created my parents' love when I was going to college.
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So you you start this simple technique is just to recognize, like, oh my god.
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Maybe I have a shitty idea about love and relationships.
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I never knew that.
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Maybe I have a really bad love map.
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So so self sabotaging, remember what I shared, is an unconscious mechanism within yourself to
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protect you.
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It is to avoid few like pain, and it is to move you more towards pleasure.
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Just remember that even if it screws things up after the fact, it's just understanding that.
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And it'll continue to operate that way until you feel good about love.
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You have a clear relationship with how you wanna show up if you're in a relationship, such
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as it's it's gotta be beyond the basics, such as I I want a man who is handsome.
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We have great sex.
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He listens to me to you know, it it has to be this.
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I would I would love a man to love my light and dark.
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Well, do you love your light and dark also, or you you reject it?
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I want a man who can really hold space for emotions.
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How comfortable are you with feedback?
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Do you get defensive?
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So you have to become the version of what you expect, and that takes looking at yourself.
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It's gonna take introspection no matter what.
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So simple technique like that.
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That I mean, this is not the cure all.
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This one exercise, but it's it gives you an example that which I've seen has worked.
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You know, you get to the basics.
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What what does love really mean to me?
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And do I experience love with or without a partner right now?
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I love it.
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Pun intended.
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And I wanna say that one of the things I say in my work is if you can't name it, you can't
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change it.
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And that's, like, what I hear and what you're, you know, you're saying is, like, one of the
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first simple things is, like, actually understand what is going on.
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Like, name what is going on, your tendencies, your beliefs, all these things.
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And once you actually start breaking them down and say, wow.
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Like you're saying, if you believe fundamentally on a subconscious level that love
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is pain, well, there is the initial, you know, problem to change.
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And then so in your in your book, all it takes is one, which will have links for you guys for
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all of doctor Ray's works and his book and everything he's, talking about today.
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We'll have all of that in the show notes.
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In your book, do you then talk to people about kinda action steps from there?
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And and where do you tend to go in your work after, say, they've seen it and they've seen
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some of those stories and seen what's what's really limiting them from the love they want?
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Well, there's a different approach with my book and what I do with clients who say are coached
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with me for maybe eight sessions.
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I'll talk about those clients who are working with me for just eight eight sessions.
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Let's just imagine that they're ready to date or they think they're ready to date, but they
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come to me and they still haven't healed a heartbreak.
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They still have issues with how their parents' relationship ended in a bad divorce.
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So just imagine the first four sessions might be healing a trauma, the person recognizing
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that that wasn't love, that was more manipulation, whatever came up for them so
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they're clear.
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K?
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The next four sessions, like five, six, and seven, might look like this.
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So now that you know what you want, how would you show up and be, and how do you practice
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that every day, such as I wanna be more open or friendly?
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Well, then you practice that and use an action by going to the grocery stores.
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Okay?
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So it's kinda like what you said.
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How do this, that.
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How do you, infuse that so a person becomes that?
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It's when they start dating or having experiences, they have a coach to talk to where
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the the client might say, oh my god.
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I felt that same feeling I had when I was with my ex husband.
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Like, wow.
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That's still there.
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Yes.
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Great.
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So it's not like they're gonna, for sure, end up with a partner, but now they're able to
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kinda create a a new understanding of themselves of how they show up in relationships
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so they feel more secure and confident.
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So that's like a process I might work with with if someone's, like, single and wants to start
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dating someone.
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Now in my book, it actually gets into more peeling, like, the onion apart and where you
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get into, like, the deep hidden beliefs that are controlling your life.
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So my my goal is to help people, discover what that hidden belief is and to shift it.
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So there is reframing in my book so you can start living and being that way.
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You could be your own mantra.
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As far as even more examples, that's actually gonna go into, book number two.
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That's a follow-up to this book.
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That's gonna be more now that you're healed, what does that spiritual healthy partnership
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look like?
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That's book number two.
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And you'll see also at the very end of the book, it talks about these qualities of these
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people.
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Yeah.
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I love it.
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I love it.
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And I think it says a lot around this this actually starting to become the person that you
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really want to be around.
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Okay.
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Well, if you wanna attract somebody with x y z qualities, then where do you need to be and who
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do you need to be?
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And I and I love it too because I think so many times we get stuck.
23:27
People get stuck around this, like, mantra or affirmation around, like, okay.
23:31
I am confident.
23:33
I am love.
23:34
I am all these these mantras versus, like, oh, I'm actually going to go to the grocery store
23:39
like you suggested, and I'm actually going to live my mantra in real time so that in time, we
23:44
truly start becoming that because we're not just saying it.
23:47
We're actually practicing it every day.
23:50
Right?
23:50
So it's so beautiful.
23:51
And and I know we're running out of time here, but before we go, couple of things.
23:56
One, and and I'm gonna ask you a question about just what we wanna leave people with, so don't
24:01
go anywhere, everybody.
24:02
But before we get on to that, what sort of I know you have a free giveaway for everybody
24:07
that we're gonna put into the the show notes here.
24:10
It's your relationship road map course guidebook.
24:13
So can you tell us a little bit about that?
24:15
So the rapid relationship rescue master class has videos as cheat, a cheat sheet, but it
24:23
basically takes you through experience where you break down your belief system about
24:29
relationships.
24:30
Very similarly to, like, how we just did in this podcast, but you just you're gonna be in
24:34
your your home and into where you create the sacred container for yourself so you can kind
24:40
of peel back, like, those patterns and beliefs that don't serve you.
24:44
So that's one thing I offer for free, and that's something I'll give you.
24:49
And then the other thing, do you wanna mention my book?
24:51
So it's it's all it takes is one.
24:53
Right?
24:53
That book?
24:54
Yeah.
24:54
It's yeah.
24:54
The the full title is all it takes is one.
24:56
Drop your one big hidden belief and master your life.
25:00
And I'll give you the link for that also.
25:01
And, yeah, it's a it's a a lot of, actually, psychologists, therapists, and coaches have
25:08
bought the book.
25:08
Like, we're talking about thousands because including my girlfriend who's a coach, she she
25:13
keeps giving them to her clients, not because she's trying to support me, but she's she likes
25:17
it because it's like a really simple manual of, like, hey.
25:20
This will support you while we're working together.
25:23
And it looks like it's very accessible.
25:25
Like, very attainable.
25:27
You get through the content fairly quickly.
25:28
You can apply it.
25:29
You don't get lost in details that aren't important.
25:32
It looks like very just accessible to people as far as actionable steps.
25:36
Well, I love the Amazon reviews.
25:38
The Amazon reviews.
25:40
So, I like Joe Dispenza.
25:42
I know you do do too.
25:44
But when I saw his reviews, I thought, like, god.
25:46
I hope it get reviews like that.
25:48
To be honest, when I became a best seller, that was the most exciting thing for me.
25:52
It wasn't, like, validation.
25:53
Like, now I'm worthy.
25:54
It's more like because when you write something, you really don't know how the public
25:58
is gonna respond to it.
26:00
Yeah.
26:00
And he responded to this exactly what was it what I intended.
26:04
That is this is a simple guidebook that really opened me up that I was able to have a a
26:10
benefit right away to where people are praising the the quick breakthroughs.
26:16
Perfect.
26:17
And then if we're gonna leave everybody with one final thing.
26:22
Right?
26:22
One final besides the obvious, go get your book, get this you know, get these downloadable
26:27
guides, and start doing this stuff?
26:30
Besides the obvious, one actionable step right now around something that can help with self
26:36
stopping self sabotage that can help them get back into more connection either with
26:41
themselves and or their partner.
26:44
What would what would you break it down to one thing if you had to?
26:48
Sure.
26:48
So you I, in a way, maybe didn't completely answer some of your questions about the how do
26:54
you know what is self sabotage?
26:56
So I am gonna piggyback off of that.
27:00
So I consider anything that isn't like, if you have a negative thought about yourself or a
27:08
person or situation, that in your body, in that moment, you're gonna probably feel some
27:17
resistance, maybe anger, maybe pain, and so forth.
27:21
What would it be like if you were to ask yourself these questions in those moments?
27:28
Number one, is this true?
27:32
Number two, who do I be who do I become, or how do I act when I have this thought?
27:39
Number three, what would I be?
27:41
How would I become if I didn't have these thoughts?
27:44
You probably heard Byron.
27:45
That's kinda like a little Byron Katie stuff.
27:47
It's just that.
27:48
Yep.
27:49
Just start with that because you're gonna probably say it's not true.
27:51
You're gonna probably point out a behavior that you don't like.
27:55
And, of course, if you didn't have that thought, you probably would be maybe getting
27:59
your nails done.
28:00
You would be taking a walk.
28:01
You'd be laughing.
28:02
You'd be enjoying life.
28:04
Yeah.
28:05
Life is defined by the questions we ask ourselves.
28:08
Yes.
28:08
I love it.
28:09
I love it.
28:09
I love it.
28:10
Well, thank you so much for being here.
28:12
Just as a reminder to everybody listening, this year of 2024, we are doing a promo at the end
28:19
of the year where if you guy when you guys rate and review and download the episodes, whoever
28:24
gets the most downloads, the most ratings, the most reviews, we will invite them back at the
28:29
end of the year for a super duper deep dive to really pick your their brain.
28:32
So I would love to have doctor Ray back.
28:34
So please do download this show, share it with your friends, and thank you again for being
28:39
here, everybody.
28:40
Doctor Diane signing off.
28:42
Always reminding you to stay classy, stay sexy, and always be a little badassy.
28:47
See you next time.
28:51
Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
28:54
Please don't keep me a secret.
28:55
Please share this with your friends.
28:57
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.