Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Age Isn't Just A Number

Transcript

Age Isn't Just A Number · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody and welcome to the doctor psych bomb show.
0:08
Today I'm going to be talking about the fact that age is not
0:11
just a number and who believes this.
0:13
And how I've seen in couples work particularly that it can
0:17
sabotage, people's relationships before that, please do
0:21
subscribe, the most recent subscriber episode was, there is
0:24
no way to be a loving husband without doing chores and there's
0:28
over 100 more subscriber episodes.
0:31
Also separately. There is a Facebook group that
0:34
you Can join. And that is filled with people
0:38
who, like, to talk about things like this.
0:39
Now, if you tell me that you wish that you could join the
0:43
Facebook group for free or have the podcast for free based on
0:47
joining the Facebook group or the inverse, well, okay, that
0:51
is, you're entitled to your feelings.
0:53
But that's just not how the world works because Facebook is
0:56
separate from Spotify. So it is always within your
0:59
control whether or not you choose to subscribe or join the
1:03
Facebook group, both of them together.
1:05
Would be what 11 bucks. So I think it's really worth.
1:09
Eleven bucks 11. Buckets bucks is not much per
1:12
month, but if you don't think so, then you don't have to tell
1:16
me that in an e-mail, you can, you could just just feel it.
1:20
And I hear you from here without us having to interact about it.
1:25
Anyway, anyway, so let's move on.
1:30
So, age isn't just a number. Who are the people who say age
1:32
has a number? Which do you guessed?
1:34
You guess it's men or Ian, I'll pause, well, it's men because as
1:39
I talk about all the time, women have a different kind of
1:43
perception of time and age and biology, because usually always
1:50
they've gone through Menard, which is the first period that
1:53
you have. And since about age, you know,
1:55
12 on average every month, their whole biology changes and they
2:00
feel very differently. So like they, they know that at
2:04
a different Times they feel differently, time has to do with
2:09
how you feel and then even women that are not massively impacted
2:12
or impacted much at all by their periods or their time of the
2:16
month or PMS or impacted by pregnancy and nursing and women,
2:22
you know, have a baby and them for 10 months and then they
2:26
nurse after that frequently and your body is like so different
2:30
and there's nothing that's similar about a woman who is
2:32
eight months pregnant and a woman whose three months.
2:35
And a woman is not pregnant. Those women are all very
2:37
different and that is due to the passage of time.
2:39
Also, women are more tuned generally to the passage of time
2:43
and their children. So they're the ones who still
2:45
says like, I have a thirty seven month old or something, you
2:48
know, and not not men as much. So generally, women are more
2:54
attuned to life goes on, we change, biology changes us at
2:59
cetera. And then, of course, comes
3:01
perimenopause where you feel very different.
3:03
And I talked about this in the Women's biology, across the
3:08
lifespan podcast and how women's Brains and bodies change in
3:11
their 40s podcast and my menopause podcast, certainly
3:15
menopause makes women realize that age is not just a number.
3:18
So women are more attuned to this kind of thing.
3:21
We're as men, like they can be kind of similar in their 30s and
3:24
40s, especially if they're delusional.
3:26
So, that brings me to my point which is that if you have
3:29
narcissistic qualities and I definitely, you know, don't
3:33
condone the overuse of Says, mm, same as the overuse of gas,
3:37
lighting. And all of these terms, there
3:38
was just a recent article about this, and the times I believe
3:41
about how all these are overused and that's accurate.
3:44
But there are certainly people with narcissistic traits, or we
3:47
could just call him self-absorbed people.
3:49
And those people like to tell themselves that they're the same
3:51
at age 50 as they were at age 30 now.
3:54
No, they're not because that isn't how time works, you know,
3:57
that isn't how numbers work. So you're not the same person,
4:01
you're closer to death. So so like if you really feel
4:05
the Scene. That's not good.
4:06
That means that over 20 years you've had like no deep
4:10
transformational change. Like you don't feel wiser and
4:14
older at 50 than a 30. Holy shit.
4:17
That's not something to brag about that.
4:18
Something to get into therapy for ASAP.
4:21
So if a woman who's 50 is partnered with a man who's 50
4:25
and she just went through menopause and he's still saying,
4:28
he feels like he's 30. Well you could imagine they're
4:30
in a very there. An unemotional may-december
4:33
romance that she don't want to be it.
4:35
It so this can stop a particularly men who are usually
4:39
the ones who think like this, it can stop them from seeing the
4:43
reality, which is like they are close to being grandparents.
4:48
And this isn't their time necessarily as a married couple
4:53
to be having like the most like fun, like sexual Adventures of
4:59
their life, that should have probably already happened.
5:01
You know, in your penis isn't what it was when you were 30,
5:04
when you're 50, Your erections, you may be able to convince
5:07
yourself with Viagra, but you still do have to take Viagra and
5:10
wait, and hope you don't have like that, you know, twenty
5:12
four-hour erection that. Russia's you to the, ER, or
5:14
whatever has happened to people that I work with at times, but
5:20
it's not that often don't like go hysterical about it, but it
5:23
certainly has happened. It's a side effect, sometimes it
5:28
just won't go away, but the point is that you're not the
5:32
same. So when especially guys try to
5:35
say that they're the same and the woman is like, literally I
5:37
am postmenopausal like my body hurts all the time.
5:42
I don't have a sex drive, I'm willing to try to be like an
5:45
active older couple with you but I'm not willing to say that
5:48
we're a younger couple then there can be an issue.
5:52
So what is it look like to get older?
5:55
Well usually your body starts to fail more, you have more pain,
5:58
things don't work the way that they should, you end up with
6:00
more health concerns. That's just generally, if of
6:04
course you're Who's on, like testosterone and, you know,
6:08
Viagra. Then you can tell yourself that
6:11
this isn't happening, but it's still happening.
6:13
You don't look to a 30 year, old woman like a 30 year old man.
6:17
You know, I mean, you just don't, I mean, that's the truth.
6:20
Is that a 30 year old woman, who marries a 50 year old man,
6:22
assume she's going to be a young Widow and that that's the
6:26
reality and she may be okay with that, you know?
6:29
But but she knows it every, it's kind of like it's The Emperor's
6:32
New Clothes. I called it like I've been using
6:35
The Emperor's New Clothes analogy a lot.
6:37
I just use like the emperor's soft penis and a different
6:39
podcast. I like that story The Emperor's
6:41
New Clothes, I frequently think about it, but the pointer is
6:46
like, there is no, everybody else knows that, you're 50 when
6:50
you're 50. So it's not like, you're
6:51
fooling, anybody and frequently. Your wife is the one who thinks
6:55
it's the most ridiculous that you're trying to be younger than
6:57
you are because usually it goes with like an attitude to.
7:00
So there's nothing wrong with trying to exercise every day and
7:03
trying to eat, right? And stay in good shape, Sure,
7:05
great. And there's nothing wrong with
7:07
trying to keep your mind sharp or to stay active.
7:09
Certainly continue to work is protective for most men versus
7:14
retiring. They usually get more depressed
7:16
when they retire at least that's what what, what happens
7:20
statistically and things that I read years ago.
7:23
So who knows, maybe it's changed.
7:24
Maybe now it's different, but it always used to be that men,
7:27
derived a lot of satisfaction and purpose from their work and
7:30
so we're at risk of depression when they retired.
7:32
But the point is that a lot of these guys, Try to be younger,
7:37
like, actually, to be younger to, like, sound younger to use
7:40
words that are younger, like, slang that's from, you know,
7:44
their kids and it's just like, totally not really.
7:49
It's, it doesn't fool anybody and it makes them seem kind of
7:52
repulsive to their wives, who they're frequently trying still
7:55
to connect to. Because the wife wants to say,
7:59
oh, we are growing old together in the guy doesn't want to say
8:02
that because he is, he Dealing with his own real fear of
8:07
mortality. And frequently, I see this more
8:10
honestly in men who yes are more self-absorbed but also men who
8:14
were late bloomers and I have a late bloomers podcast so they
8:17
don't feel like they had enough sex when they were young.
8:20
So they kind of want to like either open the marriage or do
8:23
Polly or experiment with swinging or just have like a
8:27
fuckload of like sex toys with the wife and you know, that
8:31
she's really not interested in because she's 50, you know, and
8:35
She's not feeling it anymore, like, in the same as she used to
8:38
neither. Physically nor emotionally, is
8:40
she, as interested in adventure, as she was, when she was young.
8:44
It's like nobody would say this about a dog, you know?
8:46
Like, like if you went to pick up a puppy that you are like
8:49
buying off of Craigslist. I love you got there and dogs
8:51
like seven and the guys like no, this dog acts like a puppy.
8:54
You'd be like fuck you. You know I'm not paying for what
8:57
I thought was a puppy. This is a dog.
8:59
You know like this is a dog and you wouldn't like interview the
9:02
dog. You wouldn't like watch the dog
9:04
do. Tricks and stuff.
9:06
You would just say I wanted a puppy.
9:08
I wanted this dog to live for x amount of time and I wanted to
9:11
act like a puppy. Puppies are really cute, this
9:13
dog is fine, but this is a fucking dog, you know?
9:15
Like let's be real friend, this is a dog so it's the same exact
9:20
thing people know that animals act different when they're
9:23
younger. You know I mean it's the truth
9:25
and but then so do adults like so to humans like they're also
9:28
supposed to act different when they're older and when they
9:30
don't it can be like you know, that term uncanny valley.
9:35
I like that's what it can feel like when a guy is like, you
9:38
know, 55 years old, but he's trying to act like he's 35 years
9:41
old, it's like uncanny valley, like your mind doesn't know what
9:44
to make of it. And it's kind of a little bit
9:46
repulsive because it seems like somebody who just cannot accept
9:50
the truth and is trying to be something, they're not.
9:53
So it seems very fake. And inauthentic and as I
9:57
discussed in my podcast, why the annoyingly satisfied husband and
10:00
the wife who wants more women really like to I think that the
10:06
man has a deep inner world and that is capable of growth and
10:09
evolution. And in the case where he's
10:11
trying to cling to a youth that isn't there anymore.
10:15
She feels like he's not very deep like he's pretty shallow
10:18
and all he wants is to be perceived a certain way and he
10:21
doesn't see any benefits to like you know, occurring wisdom and
10:25
experience of aging and he can't accept reality and not being
10:31
able to accept reality is something that is not going to
10:35
Garner a lot of respect not from your wife but also not from
10:38
those around you. Those around you though they say
10:40
whatever you want them to say you know because people try to
10:42
get along with each other but in the intimate relationship, the
10:45
only one who's going to really call you out.
10:47
Is going to be your wife and if she's the type that doesn't call
10:50
you out, she may still be kind of turned off but not really
10:52
verbalize it. Now, there's also some women
10:56
that do this. I also hear about this, by the
10:59
way, interestingly with adult children of narcissistic
11:02
parents. So they say, That their parents
11:06
cannot basically pass the torch. They cannot accept that the
11:10
child. The adult child is now in their
11:12
Prime, and they, the parent is now an older person.
11:16
So these are women who still try to dress exactly the same way as
11:19
their daughter down to like the mini skirt and the tube top or
11:22
whatever. And the daughter is like, what
11:24
are you doing? You know, like, you're supposed
11:26
to act like my mom. You're acting like my cool
11:29
friend but you're not my cool friend.
11:30
You're like my 30 years older than me mother.
11:33
And so why? Don't you want that role?
11:36
What is it about parenting me and being like, the Elder and
11:40
the wise person that I can turn to what is it about that?
11:42
That turns you off. Why don't you want to be that
11:44
for me? Why?
11:45
Instead are you clinging, you know, I'm to Youth and to the
11:49
idea that we are Pierce and the same thing with with men as
11:53
well, when the father continues, no matter how they usually goes,
11:58
like I see it more with like jobs and like knowing things
12:02
about the world like the guy will go Buy a house, right?
12:05
And the dad can't just say good job.
12:08
You know, it's a nice house. So say, well you know what
12:10
mortgage, you know like what what right did you get on the
12:13
mortgage? All really because you know if
12:15
you would have gone with my guy, you know, or like oh this house,
12:19
I don't know if I would have bought a house from that year,
12:21
like it's like the father. He cannot just say, wow, good
12:25
job. You are a grown-up, you're a
12:27
grown man. You bought a house great
12:29
instead. It's like the father still has
12:31
to be like the expert, like he cannot basically say you Yeah,
12:35
you the man my son. You are now a man in the prime
12:38
of your life and you are doing things that I will respect.
12:41
Instead, there is no respect. The respect, only has to go one
12:44
way and the father is still acting like he is the father of
12:47
a child, you know. And it's like he can't get
12:50
older, he can't feel irrelevant. And that really is at the core
12:55
of this is when people fear fira relevancy, then they cling to
13:00
the vestiges of Youth, but it doesn't really make them seem
13:03
young. It just makes them seem Like
13:05
they can't accept, you know, time and biology.
13:10
So again if this is something that you and your partner
13:14
struggle with and there's going to have to be an acceptance
13:18
here, you know? And obviously, as in any sort of
13:21
relational issue, you will want, you know, compromise and this
13:25
could be done through your own conversations.
13:27
It could be done with the help of a therapist you know
13:31
basically? Yeah, I mean so many things
13:34
right in there. I only Have so long that I talk
13:36
in these because I am just talking to myself.
13:39
So we just got it does drag on a bit sometimes.
13:42
But what I really want to get to is there has to be acceptance
13:45
and compromise and all relational issues.
13:48
So in this case, perhaps the man could work more on accepting
13:54
that he is. In fact, 55 not 35 in whatever
13:57
ways that makes the wife feel like he's kind of a partner to
14:01
her instead of somebody who's still clinging to something that
14:04
isn't real. And she could try to get outside
14:07
her comfort zone more and engage in more Adventure or play to the
14:11
degree that she has now. Remember a dog who's 12 years
14:16
old, doesn't Gamble and play around in the meadow like a
14:19
puppy? It just doesn't.
14:21
So if you are wanting your 55 year old wife to say, oh hey, I
14:25
know it's fun. Like, why don't we just like,
14:27
you know, sleep at the beach tonight, we'll just like, put up
14:30
a tent and we'll just pretend that, you know, we didn't tell
14:34
our daughter that We're going to take, you know, go take her out
14:36
driving tomorrow, you know, because she's 16 fucking years
14:40
old and we still have all the kids in the house and I don't
14:42
sleep on the sand because I'm older and my back hurts like,
14:45
you know, as long as you're not thinking that she's supposed to
14:48
act like, you know, 20 year old girl that's just excited by
14:52
being alive because she's not that excited about being alive.
14:54
She's used to being a lot. That doesn't mean she can't be
14:57
happy or joyful but it means she's not going to act like a 20
15:00
year old girl because she shouldn't act like 20 year old
15:03
girl cuz she's not because her Order in this hypothetical is
15:06
16, which is real close to 20. And that's who should be acting
15:09
like a 16 or 20 year old girl is the actual girl who it is now
15:13
that. But if you feel that you are
15:16
trying to cling to use because there is absolutely no joy or
15:20
Adventure or fun in your life at all, then that would be
15:23
something. And, of course, that's not only
15:25
why because you cannot blame your desire to cling to youth
15:28
just solely based on, like, your wife being like, joyless, or
15:31
whatever, because that's not real.
15:33
Like there's also a big part, which is you it, I tried to
15:35
establish fairly a consistently in the earlier portion of this
15:39
podcast episode, but it can contribute that a joylessness in
15:44
your spouse would make you cling more to the idea of fun and
15:47
adventure in that case, maybe tried to work on that in couples
15:52
counseling and talk about ways that you can play and have
15:55
adventure and fun in your life that your wife feels may be
15:59
age-appropriate. So, just travel such as learning
16:01
new things such as new things in the bedroom that aren't going.
16:05
Like wreck her body or involved, you know, five other people in
16:09
the room or whatever the case may be, right?
16:11
So I talked about this, this whole idea in my podcast about
16:16
female hormones and who takes hormone replacement therapy, and
16:20
who does it. And since I recorded that there
16:22
was like a lot of stuff in the times and different articles,
16:25
about all the benefits of HRT, hormone replacement therapy,
16:29
that we're not, that are not told to women.
16:32
And again, if you want to replace if or a woman, you want
16:35
to replace your hormones that and figure out how to feel
16:38
better. Great, awesome.
16:40
You know, obviously, I'm a big proponent of trying anything and
16:43
I talked about that a lot with depression, basically fucking
16:46
tray anything that you can. If you have treatment-resistant
16:48
depression or any depression, meds exercise, yoga, whatever
16:53
the hell you want to try right, try anything.
16:55
So same with hormones, but there's many women that feel
16:58
fine as they get older, like there, they are just accepting
17:01
being older and they are welcoming this stage of life and
17:05
Want to be present for it and feel it, and that's not bad
17:08
either, you know, in fact, that's pretty emotionally
17:11
healthy to accept aging, it's pretty emotionally healthy.
17:14
If it gets down the road of being completely joyless and
17:17
acting older than you are, like you have one foot in the grave
17:22
when you're 50 years old, that to is pathological.
17:25
But when we're, but the goal is to really accept where you are
17:29
in life. That's kind of the goal of
17:31
therapy and so to be living your best.
17:34
Best life, but not not a fake life, not, not thinking that
17:38
you're something you're not and I think that just the power of
17:41
your mind is going to take 20 years off your body like, that
17:44
is not what we would consider. Somebody who is good at
17:48
acceptance and acceptance is a massive part of mental health.
17:51
There's entire modalities of psychotherapy that are based
17:56
around the idea of acceptance, such as acceptance and
17:59
commitment therapy. And it's also super big and DBT
18:01
dialectical behavior therapy. I mean, so it's math.
18:05
So anyway, I hope that this was something that made you think.
18:09
I hope that all of these podcasts are something that make
18:11
you think and I will talk to you guys all soon.
18:14
Bye bye.