Latest / What The Heck with Matt Bellassai / Susan Boyle's C*nty Bob, Dense Bean Salads, and Frog and Toad are Gay?!

Transcript

Susan Boyle's C*nty Bob, Dense Bean Salads, and Frog and Toad are Gay?! · What The Heck with Matt Bellassai

0:00
I did buy a salad spinner once 'cause I thought that's how you
0:02
distributed dressing on the salad.
0:04
It turns out it's kind of the opposite of that.
0:07
I was like, damn, this odds dry as hell.
0:13
Welcome back to What the Heck with Matt Bellassai, a podcast
0:17
about what the heck is going on, what the heck is happening and
0:20
all the things that are making me say what the heck?
0:22
It's brand new week. It's a brand new week, folks.
0:25
It's feeling summary outside. I got my AC on blast.
0:29
Apologies to the British who are suffering without it.
0:33
Sorry, sorry you can't live like me.
0:37
I love how every summer for the past 10 years British people are
0:41
like we're dying now AMI we I can't do that.
0:46
I unfortunately I have tried and failed at a British accent for
0:49
many years and it's not getting any better.
0:52
Much like the AC situation in the in the UK.
0:56
Every summer I hear the the first whiff of heat wave in the
1:02
UK. All of these Brits get on the
1:04
Internet and start saying you, you don't know what it's like
1:07
mate. You don't know what it's like
1:09
was suffering over there. We're suffering.
1:11
Everyone's dropping dead because it's it's 7070° outside.
1:16
They call it something stupid. It's it's 70 flippish outside.
1:21
You tell them to get air conditioning and they're like,
1:23
well, we're just not built for that.
1:25
We don't have the we don't have the resources for that.
1:27
And it's like, OK, the climate has changed, babe.
1:32
Can we recognize that the climate has in fact changed?
1:34
And the if the fact that you've had a heat wave for the last 10
1:37
years of your existence means, hey, maybe we should change the
1:41
infrastructure. I know it's not easy to change
1:44
infrastructure. And also everything there is
1:46
built on like a series of medieval tubes.
1:51
I will say when we were in the UK recently, Barry and I, it was
1:56
like still a little bit cold outside.
1:58
You have to turn on like the heat situation.
2:02
My God, there is a, there's 100% a person in the basement
2:07
shoveling coal into a furnace in order to keep you warm.
2:11
And it was, I was not happy about it.
2:13
I'll tell you that. I was freezing my nuts off in
2:15
the UK or whatever they call nuts there.
2:19
What do they call nuts? Bollocks.
2:22
I love a good bollocks. Oh, my chin.
2:25
Anyway. It's kind of feeling like
2:28
summer. Love Island is back, Harry
2:30
Styles is on tour. The vibes are good, life is
2:35
good, we're feeling good, We're outside.
2:37
I will say the bike riders are out in a way that I do not find
2:41
acceptable. The bike riders are out in a way
2:44
that is confrontational to me. There's I've never felt more of
2:48
a disconnect between like an activity and the fans of that
2:54
activity. There are a few things where
2:56
like The thing is good, but the fans and proponents of that
3:00
thing make it such that The thing is no longer enjoyable.
3:05
Taylor Swift, all due respect to her, but some of her fans are
3:11
going a little crazy in a way that I am like, I can't be
3:14
involved, unfortunately. You know, I, I, I wish for
3:18
peaceful relations with the Swifties, but I will say some of
3:21
them are behaving in ways that are concerning to me and it does
3:25
kind of sour the whole experience.
3:27
The other thing, America, unfortunately, great in theory,
3:32
great in concepts. Some of the hardcore fans are
3:35
kind of ruining it for everybody.
3:38
And then, yeah, cyclists, unfortunately, I'm all for.
3:41
I love a good bike ride. You give me you give me a couple
3:44
drinks. You give me a couple drinks, a
3:47
little hit of weed. I'm on a I'm on a city bike
3:50
zooming around. I'm zooming around the city.
3:54
I'm blowing through traffic lights.
3:56
I'm flipping off cops. You better believe I'm going
3:58
nuts. Well, then how there is a cop on
4:01
Love Island and everybody was like, and then it turns out he
4:04
quit being a cop in order to be on Love Island and the city.
4:08
But like mayor of the city that he's a cop in is like this
4:12
little most disrespectful thing that you could do to the police
4:15
force. How dare you waste our city
4:17
resources. We trained you and now you quit
4:20
to be on Love Island. It's like hell yeah, hell yeah.
4:24
Take your Dick out on television, Sir.
4:26
That's the line of duty that I can respect.
4:29
I'll end up in salute. I'll I'll, I'll try it out.
4:32
The thin blue line flag for taking your Dick out on Love
4:35
Island. I just watched the first season
4:37
of the first episode of US love Island and they start off the
4:41
first question that they asked them in order to organize.
4:44
Like to get vibes from one another is what's your favorite
4:47
sex position? And then they make out tongue
4:51
first with with each other based on whether their favorite sex
4:55
positions match up. So that's crazy.
4:57
So the cop guy was like my favorite position position is
5:00
doggy. 1st 5 minutes of this television show.
5:04
I also love that they make the Love Island contestants, like,
5:07
film a music video to start the season.
5:10
It's like none of these these are background extras in a music
5:14
video at best. OK, why are we having them lip
5:16
sync along to a song that you just made-up for Love Island?
5:20
Anyway, yeah. Bike riders, cyclists are going
5:23
crazy. I do.
5:26
I don't understand why cyclists are wearing that gay little
5:28
leotard. First of all, there's that bike
5:32
rider costume is something that doesn't exist in any other
5:35
sport. I mean, I guess that makes
5:37
sense. That's why it's like engineered
5:40
for them to be aerodynamic or whatever.
5:42
But like why are your why is your cleavage and belly button
5:45
out? It's like no other spandex
5:48
outfit for any other sport has like built in suspenders.
5:52
Do you know what I mean? Literally wrestling.
5:55
Wrestling is a made-up sport. So actually you just you just
5:58
confirm my opinion. There is no reason absolutely
6:02
that a wrestler should be wearing that outfit, let alone a
6:05
bike rider. Do am I sexually attracted to
6:08
it? Yeah, in the in on the right
6:12
man, You better believe I'm I'm getting horny for that.
6:15
But it does confuse me. It's like they're wearing
6:18
spandex below and then like suspenders above and it like
6:22
goes down and it exposes their belly button for some reason,
6:25
because then they're also wearing like a zip up spandex.
6:30
No other sport is doing it like that.
6:32
And I don't get it. I do love the man on TikTok.
6:36
Have you seen the bike? I think he's, yeah, he's in New
6:39
York and he just zooms down the bike lanes and screams at
6:44
everybody who's in the way. Wrong way, piece of shit.
6:47
It's a great place to take a dumb picture.
6:49
Wrong way and on the phone. Real smart.
6:52
Hey, look before you cross, you dumb fuck.
6:56
People hate him. He he's pissing a lot of people
7:00
off. They think he's annoying, they
7:01
think he's the worst, the worst of cyclists.
7:05
And I am cheering him on every day until I'm on his bad side,
7:09
which kind of happened to me today and inspired this.
7:13
I was taking troubles, not a walk.
7:16
And there's one stretch of street where it's like it's a
7:20
two way bike lane that is where the sidewalk should be.
7:24
And the sidewalk is kind of off to the side.
7:27
And Truffles took a fat shit on the sidewalk and I picked it up
7:31
and I was had to cross the bike lane in order to throw the shit
7:35
in the garbage like a responsible New Yorker.
7:38
And I looked behind me, didn't see anybody coming, started
7:42
walking. Truffles kind of stopped.
7:44
We got like stalled in the bike lane and this guy comes like
7:48
screeching to a halt and it's like you're standing in the
7:51
middle of the bike lane. And when I tell you I was like,
7:54
I'm crossing you asshole. I hit the asshole so hard.
7:59
I've never felt better yelling at someone.
8:01
I was like, I, my adrenaline was so hot after that.
8:06
I walked into the vet where I was taking her and I was like, I
8:11
need AI need a tranquilizer now. Yeah, I was.
8:15
I was like, what do you want from me?
8:18
Where? Go around.
8:20
If it's that he he was just like, so this is the problem
8:24
with all cyclists. Am I taking one example and kind
8:26
of drawing generalized conclusions about it?
8:28
Yes. But he represents the worst of
8:31
America. And he pissed me off because he
8:34
blamed me for getting in the way when it wasn't really my fault.
8:37
It was truffles in her asshole's fault.
8:41
I was like, OK, I guess I could have just left the shit on the
8:43
ground. Would you be happy with that,
8:45
Sir? But the way he was like, yeah,
8:47
oh, oh, just stop right in the middle.
8:49
Just stop right in the middle of the the lane.
8:52
I was like, I'm crossing you, asshole.
8:54
And the way I hit asshole made me so proud of myself.
8:57
The other main thing on my mind this week is just how I kind of
9:00
did a, a little bit of a heavier workout and it, it became
9:06
difficult for me to simply roll over in bed in a way that in a
9:11
way that I'm like, OK, so it's kind of like my 30s have really
9:15
set in. I'm going to be 36, so they're
9:18
here to stay at this point. But do you ever work out so hard
9:22
that you're laying in bed at night and it's kind of like, I
9:26
want to roll over, but I just don't have it in me?
9:29
Or should I, should I go to a doctor or a psychologist?
9:34
No. Sometimes you work out so hard
9:36
and it's like, yeah, maybe it's because I'm getting older, but I
9:40
don't think you realize how much effort it really takes to roll
9:42
over sometimes. Sometimes it does take kind of a
9:46
lot of effort to engage all of the muscles necessary to roll
9:48
over in bed. And it's kind of simpler to just
9:52
lay there than it is to roll over.
9:54
You have to engage your core and your back in a way that is kind
9:57
of like so much is happening and I just want to lay here and I
10:03
might have thrown out my back a little bit.
10:04
And that's why I'm not just a lazy piece of shit.
10:08
But I I was I did a multiple nights this week where I was
10:12
like, I don't want to roll over Anyway, That's kind of how my
10:18
week is going. Getting in fights with
10:20
bicyclists trying having trouble rolling over.
10:24
But it's been a great week. Can't complain.
10:29
Moving on. Just a few shout outs of the
10:32
week actually before we get to my what the hecks for the week.
10:35
First shout out to the guy who almost shit himself on that
10:40
tennis court. Loving that for him.
10:43
Absolute shit icon. He's really doing it for the
10:47
people who have to shit all the time.
10:50
Really couldn't be me because I've kind of sealed up my
10:52
asshole in a way that is. I had a few kind of pretty
10:55
traumatizing public bathroom incidents when I was younger in
11:01
a way that like I am able to kind of seal my sphincter to
11:05
prevent having to go to the bathroom in public.
11:09
So you will not catch me outside taking a shit.
11:12
I'll tell you that much. I'm we're holding it in, we're
11:16
holding it in all summer. But there was that tennis guy.
11:19
I mean, everybody's seen that video of the guy who was like,
11:22
I, I have to shave though he was French.
11:27
He was a French guy. And he was like, I, I, I'm, I'm
11:29
going to shit on the coil to, I'm going to shit my pants.
11:34
And they were like, sorry, you can't, we can't just stop the
11:36
game just because you have diarrhoea, Sir.
11:39
And he was like, OK, then I then I shit on I, I'm doing sort of a
11:43
trans European accent, but I love that for him.
11:47
He's the ultimately they did. I think they let him go after
11:51
the point. He lost like every game he
11:53
played 'cause he had the shits. But shout out to him.
11:57
Shout out to newly appointed gay icon Susan Boyle.
12:02
OK, have you seen Susan Boyle's transformation?
12:06
Do you know who Susan Boyle is? OK, just checking.
12:09
You're kind of out of the loop on a number of important items.
12:13
Susan Boyle for the unaware icon.
12:16
First of all, she was the woman who she sang.
12:22
What was it? I dreamed a dream on America's
12:24
Got Talent, Oregon, Britain's Got Talent.
12:27
And the, the like thing back in the day was like the fact that
12:32
this lady, she like came up on screen so confident.
12:36
She came up to her audition for America's Got Talent, Britain,
12:39
Britain's Got Talent. And everybody was like, this old
12:43
bag, this hump A hump a junk. And then she had the voice of a
12:50
beautiful Angel and everybody was sobbing, including me.
12:54
And it was sort of a kind of bastion of early 2000s reality
12:59
television that we were like, get a load of this and go.
13:04
Can you believe she wants to be famous?
13:06
And then we made her famous. That and William Hung.
13:09
What a what a just icons of a different era.
13:15
But William Hung is found dead beneath Susan Boyle's rise to
13:20
stardom because she she rolled out of bed this week looking
13:23
like a mob wife ready to put a hit out on Elton John.
13:28
She was like, I am a gay icon. I just, I want to know the like
13:33
marketing, the marketing machine that went behind Susan Boyle to
13:39
to create this new iteration of her.
13:42
They get they had her on the top of a bridge singing a song they
13:45
were doing. Look it up.
13:46
Look it up. Susan Boyle, Scotland bridge.
13:51
It was some type of advertisement for the the World
13:55
Cup and she's standing on top of a bridge singing a song.
13:59
Anyway, she dropped like, oh, I have it right here.
14:01
Take it to the branch symbol. Why do we have her on top of a
14:08
bridge that's. Not safe.
14:22
OK, so it's all it. So that's my.
14:27
The the point is, shout out to Susan Boyle, OK, the the the
14:31
gays will pretty much eat up anybody who puts a a Kunti Bob
14:35
on and Susan Boyle's got that shit on.
14:39
OK. I also love, I think it was I
14:44
think it was real. I don't think I'm just making
14:45
this up or it wasn't a joke. Susan Boyle's when her Alba or
14:50
when her last album came out, they tried to do a hashtag on
14:53
Twitter and it was like hashtag Susan album party, but it came
14:58
it looked that hashtag together looks like Sue's anal bum party.
15:06
She can't catch a break, but she got that Kunti Bob on and now go
15:11
off Queen next shout out. It's going to go ahead and beat
15:15
to Elijah Wood who tweeted he really went off on Alamo
15:21
Drafthouse. This may be a little specific,
15:25
but he was like, listen, assholes on Alamo Drafthouse.
15:30
Alamo Drafthouse theatre chain, big in New York, but they're all
15:35
over the place. And it's one of those places
15:38
where you get like, you order food at your table.
15:41
And it used to be that you wrote down your order on a little card
15:44
and then you put the card on the little thing and then you
15:47
pressed a button and it would summon a server who would come
15:50
and get the thing and take your order.
15:52
Now they've changed it so that you scan AQR code and you order
15:57
on your phone, which is fine for before the movie, but now they
16:03
have it where if you want to order something during the
16:06
movie, you have to take out your fucking phone.
16:09
And American icon Elijah Wood, slash man, who's looked like
16:14
he's 12 years old for the last 50 years, tweeted out being
16:18
like, fuck you guys. You're just encouraging people
16:21
to be on their phones. And why just go back to paper
16:25
and pen? Like this was a system that did
16:28
not really need to be innovative.
16:30
It like was kind of working perfectly.
16:32
Well. I guess it saves a step because
16:35
you're like just sending your order right to the back.
16:37
But it's like people on their phones in movie theaters has
16:42
become an epidemic, and we need to start giving out the death
16:47
penalty to these people. OK, the, I think, I don't know.
16:52
Literally every movie I've seen in the last five years has had
16:54
people. I'm surrounded by people who are
16:57
taking out their phones and fully texting, not even slyly.
17:01
It used to be people would feel shame when they did this and
17:04
they would try to do it on the sly.
17:05
You would kind of open it up below you put your you put your
17:08
phone on 0% brightness and it was in case of of mergency.
17:14
And now people are on 100% brightness.
17:16
They got WhatsApp, they're playing fucking GIFs out in the
17:19
middle of the open in the middle of a movie in a dark movie
17:23
theater. And I know it's like Alamo
17:25
Drafthouse. You're already like stuffing
17:27
your face with blue cheese chicken tenders and like
17:31
mozzarella sticks. So it's not like it's necessary
17:33
that it's not like it's the place where people are going for
17:36
decorum during movies, but it's all over the it's like the
17:40
audience behavior has gotten so out of control in a way that
17:44
does actually piss me off for real.
17:46
And if I were to run for president, this would be the
17:48
thing that I would run on one issue.
17:50
I'd be a one issue candidate and would be that we need to have
17:53
everybody who uses their phone during a movie or a or a show of
17:59
any kind should be shot in the face with a rocket launcher.
18:05
We saw a play in in London. Not to keep being that guy who
18:10
went to London once, but we saw a play and the people behind us
18:14
were were having full blown conversation with one another
18:18
the entire time. And we had to be like, Hey, shut
18:21
up. And they acted ashamed for about
18:24
3 minutes and then they just restarted their conversation as
18:27
if we didn't tell them to shut the fuck up.
18:29
And, and this is actually something that is, is very
18:32
important to me and I don't think people understand.
18:35
A lot of people think they are whispering.
18:37
You're not whispering. You're talking at full volume.
18:40
When you are whispering, you're not pushing sounds through
18:46
whatever your vocal cords. Am I using my vocal cords right
18:50
now? No, now I'm using my vocal
18:53
cords, but I'm just talking softly.
18:56
Do you hear the fucking difference?
18:58
I'm not using my vocal cords right now.
19:01
I'm using my vocal cords. If you're pushing air like I
19:06
don't think people understand you're not whispering.
19:09
Like learn how to whisper if you're going to talk, and learn
19:12
how to put your phone on 0% brightness if you're going to
19:14
use your fucking phone during a shout.
19:16
The other shout out I wanted to give was just to that horse that
19:19
farted. Did you see the horse fart?
19:21
Surprisingly no considering my TikTok is 90% horse content.
19:38
Kind of. I don't know how that horse is
19:43
still alive, frankly. What's that blimp that blew up?
19:48
Hindenburg. The Hindenburg, Yeah, that's the
19:52
That horse could have been the Hindenburg.
19:54
You light a match near that horse, everybody in that barn
19:57
would have been dead. Moving on to my what the hecks
20:03
for the week, my first What the heck?
20:07
Turning on the shower 10 minutes before you're even naked, What
20:13
is wrong with you? This is a very controversial
20:16
opinion that I've taken that I I feel the need to carry the
20:19
mantle. I recently scandalized a number
20:22
of my friends by admitting that I my personal shower habit is to
20:29
get in to get naked. Get into a completely dry off
20:34
shower, turn it on and wait for my desired temperature.
20:40
And you know why? Because every shower I've ever
20:42
been in, save like maybe 2 that we're in, I don't know, like
20:47
Europe gets hot within 10 seconds.
20:52
We're not boiling fucking water. Some of you people are acting
20:55
like you need to, you need to warm water up like it's the
20:59
1800s, like you're bringing in ladles of ice cold water from
21:05
from the farm and or from the well and like bringing it up to
21:09
temperature. Almost every shower I've ever
21:12
been in gets warm within 10 to 15 seconds.
21:16
And so I don't understand why you were having to create some
21:18
type of sauna situation. Also, you can take a shower.
21:22
Just get in the fucking shower and shower.
21:24
It's making me sick. I mean like I actually don't
21:28
care. It's like whatever, do whatever
21:30
you want. We're all dying anyway.
21:34
And I don't really understand how like places run out of
21:36
water. That's kind of none of my
21:38
business. My, my point being, I'm not
21:40
saying all this to be some type of water activist.
21:44
Waste all the water you want. I'm just, I'm just like, don't
21:46
understand what you're doing that for.
21:48
It's not that deep. You're not getting ready to
21:51
poach yourself like an egg. You're trying to get a
21:54
temperature that is acceptable to put your body in People.
21:58
People are it's like crazy how how much in advance people are
22:01
turning on the shower. How?
22:03
How far in advance are you turning on the shower?
22:07
At least 30 seconds to 60 seconds, but mine really doesn't
22:12
warm up until then. And I tried.
22:14
I tried your method after you told me this and it's like
22:17
you're you're a soldier, No? Do you hate yourself?
22:19
The other thing is it does depend on the size of your
22:23
shower and I don't have like a palatial shower.
22:26
I feel like I have a pretty standard issue size, like
22:29
bathtub shower situation, but like I stand towards the back of
22:34
the shower. So OK, so my, I have like a tub
22:37
and shower and when I turn on the knob, it turns on the the
22:44
bathtub. Someone pointed out, oh, why
22:47
don't you just check the temperature on the bathtub
22:50
before you turn it up top? I don't have to do that either.
22:53
What I I just turn it on. I, I have a pretty good
22:57
guesstimate now of like where the hot angle is, pull the thing
23:02
so it comes out the top. In the time it takes me to pull
23:05
the thing so that the water comes out on the top.
23:07
I've stood back up, I'm away from the water and I can reach
23:11
my hand and sort of feel it before I step all the way in.
23:15
I'm not just like standing like below the faucet being like,
23:19
let's find out what temperature I'm going to get hit with today
23:22
and then just let her RIP. Right, right, right.
23:25
There's no way to stand in my shower without getting hit by
23:29
water. Yeah, If I am in a shower that
23:32
is like that, where it's like there's nowhere to stand, I'll
23:36
usually try to angle the head away from myself so and then
23:40
turn it on, kind of feel it and then aim it back.
23:43
But I'm still in the shower. I just like some people are
23:46
turning it on and then like walking away, doing the dishes,
23:49
coming back to like coming back to a sauna of a bathroom, the
23:53
Wallpapers peeling off the walls, Everything is like fogged
23:56
up. You can barely see 2 feet in
23:57
front of you. It's like insane.
24:01
There are a number of things that I think people would be
24:03
surprised to, like weird habits that other people have that I am
24:08
oddly strict about. I don't eat in bed.
24:15
Not the gasp America I know I I do like if if there was a poster
24:21
for eating in bed I would be on on it.
24:23
I'm I do look like the poster child for someone.
24:26
And considering that almost every other piece of furniture
24:29
and surface in my apartment has stained food stains on it, it's
24:33
kind of insane that I've drawn that line.
24:36
But it's like, I don't know. I've I've tried to be pretty
24:40
strict about only sleeping in bed and watching stuff on my
24:44
phone. The worst thing you can do
24:47
actually in bed. It's probably better to eat a
24:49
full dinner. But I don't know, I'm just like
24:52
I'm never if I'm in bed, I'm going to I'm trying to go to
24:56
sleep or other activities, but not eating or I just the other
25:06
thing. All right.
25:06
And like truffles isn't really allowed.
25:08
She does. I don't sleep with her in my
25:10
bed. She has her own little bed.
25:13
She goes in that we sort of have it's I mean, that's how couples
25:17
stay together for so long. It's like they have separate
25:21
beds and then they reunite in the morning.
25:24
And that's kind of how Truffles and I are.
25:26
OK, next, people blaming every micro behavior on being
25:34
neurodivergent. Folks, we have to stop.
25:40
A couple things that I saw this week that ignited this.
25:44
Relatedly one, I saw a tweet that said I just learned that
25:47
facing away from the shower head is a sign of being
25:51
neurodivergent. No, it's not.
25:53
Guess what? You just made that up.
25:54
Someone made that up. Someone liked you.
25:57
People say all types of little behaviors are like, actually
26:00
that means you're neuro divergent.
26:02
If you sleep with your hand under your head or.
26:05
Yeah, like you're hand folded up under your head.
26:09
Yeah, T Rex arm, that's a sign that you're neuro divergent.
26:13
No, it's not. No, it's not.
26:14
I'm sorry. I'm not a psychologist.
26:16
Haven't taken a single psychology class.
26:19
I can tell you 100% with confidence, it's not it's like
26:23
we can't. There is a point at which
26:25
classifying things like that is no longer useful and it's just
26:30
kind of making, I don't want to say making excuses.
26:34
I don't. I don't want to make light of
26:36
people who are like trying to explain behaviours, but like
26:40
some things, you guys just, it's just like a thing that you do.
26:45
I, you know, I, it doesn't have to be like a trauma response
26:48
that you're only eating creamy peanut butter because your teeth
26:51
can't handle the crunch of peanuts.
26:54
I mean, but hey, whatever happens between you and your
26:56
therapist is between you and your therapist.
26:58
I'm not going to tell you, you know, that if your therapist
27:02
says, oh, you take a shower facing away from the water and
27:05
that means you're autistic, Great, good for you.
27:10
Leave me out of it, leave me out of your weird shower behaviour.
27:14
But yours is normal I guess. Yeah, maybe.
27:20
Maybe me getting into a dry shower is some type of trauma
27:23
response and a sign of my neurodivergence.
27:26
You can really never tell. Next, shaking a sweet green
27:33
salad so hard while you're naked and you get balsamic dressing in
27:36
your pews. So just hypothetically, this is
27:42
not based on personal experience.
27:45
Obviously I would never do that, but it's just sort of on this
27:50
theme that I'm going with of like showering and being naked
27:53
and like staining stuff. Hypothetically, if you were
27:56
naked and you had a sweet green salad and then you you put the
28:00
dressing on it and then you put the lid back on to shake it,
28:04
it's never contained. Somehow every time I put the lid
28:07
back on, the stuff is never staying in there when I when I'm
28:11
shaking up that salad. I did buy a salad spinner once
28:14
'cause I thought that's how you distributed dressing on the
28:16
salad. It turns out it's kind of the
28:18
opposite of that. I was like, damn, this odds dry
28:23
as hell. I'm just, I'm just vigorously
28:27
drying my salad after I pour ranch all over it.
28:31
There's just a reservoir of ranch leftover after I've spun
28:35
it vigorously. But yeah, no, I was kind of
28:40
shaking a sweet green salad very vigorously the other day.
28:43
And yeah, it kind of got balsamic all over parts of my
28:47
body that should not see balsamic vinegar.
28:50
And now I learned my lesson. We have reached the point of the
28:56
year where it's like the second I'm walking in the door, we're
29:01
going Dick out. We're making sure the blinds are
29:04
closed and we're making sure the thighs are out.
29:09
I do have a general rule that like if I'm sitting on a
29:12
surface, my butt hole should not be able to touch it.
29:14
There has got to be something in between my butt hole and the
29:18
surface of a couch, of a countertop of the oven.
29:25
I'm just always making sure that something is in between a towel
29:29
if I have to put a towel down. Relatedly, stain removers are
29:35
not doing what they think they're doing.
29:37
I don't, I don't know, a stain remover that has actually gotten
29:41
the job done OK. I I'm seeing a lot of stain
29:45
removers on the market that are promising to get my stains out.
29:49
And guess what? The stains are still there.
29:51
I literally have a pile of shirts that is sitting out there
29:55
that I'm waiting to wash because they need to be individually
29:58
treated for oil drops that I can't seem to get out.
30:03
At this point I just need to burn all my clothes and start
30:05
over there. There reaches a point I don't
30:09
like also where sometimes a shirt will go into the washer
30:13
completely clean and come out with spots on it.
30:15
What is that? Explain that you can't.
30:19
It's just like, don't get stained.
30:21
What is? Stop staining clothes.
30:25
I don't understand why. It's like, why you have to be
30:27
like that. And then it then I have to,
30:29
like, do extra stuff. I should be able to eat whatever
30:31
I want, get it all over and then put it in the wash and it goes
30:34
away. What are they doing with laundry
30:36
detergent that it's not taking care of all of that.
30:40
And yeah, am I reading the little tag on the back of my
30:42
clothes? No.
30:44
Do I know what all those little symbols mean?
30:46
Absolutely not. Am I going to learn?
30:50
No. Why are they written in
30:53
hieroglyphics? Why did they have to invent a
30:54
new language just for doing laundry?
30:57
Those symbols don't exist anywhere else but on shirt
31:00
clothes and it's upsetting me because I don't know how to read
31:04
them. Could I learn?
31:06
Probably. But I'm not going to.
31:07
And that's that's why I complain about my clothes being stained.
31:13
Yeah, I've just bought so many, like stain removers.
31:15
And at this point, I've conceded.
31:17
I've conceded the war. You win.
31:20
You win stains. I need one of those Billy Mays.
31:25
What is it called? I just need a Billy Mays
31:28
product. He used to be all up on the TV
31:31
telling me how to get my stains out.
31:32
Where's the Billy Mays of 2026 tell me how to get my stains?
31:36
I mean, Oxiclean still exists. So very much a product that I
31:40
have owned several iterations of.
31:44
But there is not a week that goes by where I'm not staining
31:46
something new. The other day I spilled coffee
31:49
all over that. I mean, the rug in my living
31:51
room is basically a I. I've given it back to nature at
31:56
this point, but I was carrying my breakfast from the kitchen to
32:00
the living room. It's the same room.
32:03
I was carrying my breakfast from the counter to the coffee table,
32:07
balancing everything. In a way it is upsetting that my
32:14
kitchen and living room are the same room and yet I refuse to
32:19
make more than one trip from the counter to the coffee table.
32:23
It is a sum total of like 10 human steps, but I refuse to do
32:28
it twice. And so I was carrying.
32:31
I had a a ramekin with yogurt and blueberries and then a plate
32:38
of scrambled eggs and then a cup of coffee.
32:40
And I sort of balanced the ramekin on the plate.
32:44
And anyway, the ramekin fell off, broke everywhere, yogurt
32:48
everywhere, shards of ceramic everywhere, frozen blueberries
32:52
everywhere. And then I, I jerked and all of
32:56
the hot coffee came pouring out all over my hand and all over
33:00
the rug. So I'm like, fuck, it's like you
33:03
couldn't have just spilled. Now you also have disdain.
33:06
It's all it's I'm already embarrassed because now I'm I'm
33:10
bending over whole out. No, I was wearing I was wearing
33:18
clothes during this accident. Because that's the other thing.
33:23
I don't like sleeping naked. I think that's because I, I,
33:28
when I was a kid, no, when I, I remember it was, I think like
33:37
freshman biology class, we had this teacher who told us about
33:42
these babies in like an orphanage that got, it was like
33:47
they used to just let the baby sleep naked.
33:50
And then the babies like passed, I don't know, malaria around or
33:53
something, 'cause they were just like farting out malaria.
33:56
And all of the stuff that comes out through farts is like stuff
34:00
comes out. It's not just air.
34:02
Sometimes it's not like you're I'm not like shitting the bed
34:07
every night. I'm not shitting the bed by any
34:11
means. Let's not get the mistake in.
34:13
But it's also like, like, I don't know, you're like, I like
34:17
having a barrier between my, my skin orifices and my bed.
34:25
Anyway, the point is, if anyone has any full safe, is that the
34:30
phrase fool safe? Foolproof.
34:33
Anyone who has any foolproof stain removers let me know.
34:39
And I guess the stain remover tip is just like use it.
34:42
Also, don't spell high travels. It really is unfortunate that
34:50
she comes in with sort of the the breath of an ogre.
34:54
She comes in with the respiratory power of like
34:57
several men. I think it's time for voicemail.
35:04
We have a new call in to the What the Heck Hotline, which is
35:07
of course the hotline that any of you can call to leave your
35:10
What the Heck of the Week. We played our first one last
35:13
week and now we have 1 this week.
35:16
The number four O 7. WTH Matt, I'll put it on the
35:19
bottom of the screen. All right, let's fire up.
35:24
Hey Matt, love that you're back on the podcast because and happy
35:27
hour ended right in my peak depressive state.
35:30
Thanks for that. But my, what the heck, that
35:33
actually has been driving me bonkers is the banana boys
35:38
baseball, Banana banana bananas baseball, Savannah bananas
35:41
baseball. I don't get it.
35:43
It's slutty. Why are they doing slutty little
35:45
dances and marketing it to teens and kids?
35:48
I hate it. I hate it so much.
35:50
It makes me so uncomfortable. It's just just go, just go
35:54
dance. Go back, go back to Broadway, do
35:56
your shows, do your dance, etcetera, etcetera.
35:58
We will cheer for you there. I do not like Savannah Bananas
36:01
baseball. I don't understand it.
36:03
People spend so much money to get these tickets.
36:06
It's like, it's like going to the Arrows tour getting these
36:09
tickets. It makes no sense to me.
36:10
What the heck Times 1,000,000, just go to a minor League
36:13
Baseball game, get $1.50 beer and $1.50 hot dog and call it a
36:18
great night. That is my opinion.
36:21
Absolutely true. Yes.
36:23
Thank you. Amen snaps snaps for them.
36:27
No, absolutely. I don't understand these these
36:30
people for for people who haven't seen this, what are they
36:33
called the Savannah with banana boys or something?
36:36
They're like a group. They're a group of like fake
36:40
baseball players that are also kind of like men who do like
36:46
singing and dancing and but also they're kind of slutty.
36:50
Like I remember initially seeing it and thinking like, oh, this
36:53
is like a gay thing. It's like for gay people.
36:56
It's for like horny gay guys to get into baseball.
37:01
But of course, I was just seeing it through the lens that I most
37:03
identify with and I never realized, I mean, that's sort of
37:08
the extent that I looked into these individuals.
37:11
I never really thought about them as being marketed for
37:14
children. But I guess it is kind of a
37:16
version of like minor League Baseball, Minor League Baseball
37:19
meets Broadway. I, I completely agree.
37:23
I don't understand what they're doing.
37:25
I don't understand their slutty little uniforms like ghost.
37:30
Go make real baseball players uncomfortable with your ogling.
37:35
That's where we should be directing our our attention.
37:38
Let's get out and look at real baseball player fat asses.
37:43
They're putting in that work. But also they're like Broadway
37:46
stars. Like some of them are Broadway
37:48
stars. I don't understand.
37:49
I don't I don't know what's happening.
37:51
Their marketing is not going well.
37:53
If I, as a homosexual who is criminally online, don't know
37:56
what they're doing, then something has gone wrong.
38:00
Thank you. Thank you for expressing that
38:02
and getting me angry next. Apparently there's a bunch of
38:06
ticks in Martha's Vineyard that are making people allergic to
38:09
cheeseburgers and I don't like that at all.
38:13
What are you talking about? A tick bite is making me
38:15
allergic to red meat. I, I love that the story has
38:19
been like a bunch of rich people are getting bit by ticks and
38:22
their private chefs are having to scramble to rearrange the
38:25
menus on their dinners. I'm like, Oh no, first of all,
38:31
why are you getting bit by so many ticks?
38:35
I I am afraid of tick bites. Terrified.
38:37
Just want to eat. Absolutely terrified.
38:39
I even though I'm never in nature, the one time I thought I
38:42
had a tick bite I went to the doctor because they say the tick
38:45
bite is like the the tell tale sign of a tick bite is the
38:49
target. It's like a dot in the middle
38:52
and then a red ring around it. And I had that.
38:56
It was like, that's what it looked like.
38:58
And the doctor was like, but have you been near a tick?
39:02
Like have you been in a forest or like outside?
39:05
And I was like, I haven't gone outside in like 4 weeks.
39:09
He was like, that's so weird. It's like, not like, I mean
39:13
people come in and out and like theoretically it could be there.
39:16
And then like half of the Real Housewives say they're suffering
39:19
from whatever Lyme disease. So that always makes me scared,
39:23
even though they're probably making it up.
39:25
So I don't know it, it does worry me.
39:27
And but I also, I don't like how getting bit by a ticket like can
39:31
make you allergic to stuff that you were never allergic to
39:33
before. What does that mean?
39:35
Why? Like why does that happen?
39:40
I I don't know. But also, if you avoid that
39:44
habitat, hello, I'm avoiding that habitat.
39:48
Not even intentionally, I just don't be going out like that.
39:52
I went to the park, I think. I think honestly that's why I
39:55
was having trouble rolling over in bed 'cause I was sitting
39:58
cross legged in the park for so long.
40:01
My body is sort of calcified in that position.
40:04
But yeah, no, I, I do remember the, the when I went to the
40:07
doctor and I was like, and this looks like a tick bite, even
40:10
though I haven't been outside for a long time.
40:12
And he was like, yeah, that's super weird.
40:15
I mean, they treat it by just giving you like 1 pill and it's
40:18
like, yeah, there were, it's like an antibiotic that you take
40:22
like 2 of. He was like, I'll just give it
40:24
to you. That's what I love about doctors
40:26
in New York. They'll give you anything they
40:29
pretty much want to get you in and out as quickly as possible,
40:31
and if you ask for something they'll just do it.
40:34
You tell them you got a bladder infection, they'll give you as
40:36
many pills as you want next. TikTok shop has taken to almost
40:44
exclusively recommending products that I'm supposed to
40:49
stick up my ass, and it's making me real confused about what kind
40:54
of activity I've been engaging in on that app to make me
40:58
susceptible to these kinds of advertisements.
41:01
I don't know what type of categorizing that they're doing
41:04
on that app, but they have made me out to be some type of
41:07
sodomist. When I tell you, do you ever
41:11
scroll over to the. I mean, I've never done it on
41:14
purpose. I've never willingly sought out
41:17
the TikTok shop. No, I, I.
41:19
It's always an accident. Because the Tiktok shop is it's
41:23
the tab right next to Tiktok for the 4U page.
41:26
And sometimes I'll accidentally slide over and every time I do,
41:30
it's all suggested products that are like customized for each
41:35
user. And all of mine are like dildos
41:41
and cock rings or stuff to put your Dick in.
41:44
Look at this. This is the top.
41:46
This is the top of my suggestions.
41:50
One is I fear that this is a call me by your name inspired
41:54
Peach that you can block. This one is straight up just a
42:00
cock ring. This one, I don't even know what
42:03
you do with that thing. Yeah, these are all all of my
42:07
suggestion. Literally all of them.
42:09
Literally all of them. Oh, and then it and then a
42:12
blouse. They have it so severely called
42:16
me the F slur in a way that like, you could not have.
42:21
I could not have been more targeted in this way.
42:24
It is 0. It's just a guy in thin pants
42:29
jumping up and down. This is the shop.
42:33
This is theirs trying to sell products.
42:35
Oh my God, that's just some of the gayest clothing you've ever
42:42
seen. Why are they doing this to me?
42:45
I don't even think I'm like, I'm Because we have a tradition.
42:49
Barry and I and some of our friends have a tradition where
42:52
we'll get a little stoned and pull up our Tiktok likes and put
42:56
them on the big screen to show off all of the nonsense that
42:59
we've been liking. And so I'm not like, liking
43:03
thirst traps and like a bunch of gay stuff, but they've still
43:07
managed to peg me as like, big ass gay during Pride month, too.
43:13
They're calling me. I mean, it's kind of beautiful
43:17
to be seen some other trends that are not sitting right with
43:21
me. Dense bean salad.
43:26
Big Fart has been working overtime for the past five years
43:32
at least to try to get me to eat more beans.
43:35
We've all seen it. We've all been on the opposite
43:38
end of it. Big Bean is, is really pushing
43:42
beans on us in a, in a big way. OK, you have, you've been
43:47
getting a lot of bean content. Always, always.
43:50
They're trying to sell beans in a way that I'm like this has to
43:54
be this has to be the product of some type of marketing campaign.
43:59
There is no way that beans just out of nowhere suddenly were
44:03
like, eat me all there's all types of beans are coming across
44:10
my feed. And this week I was seeing a
44:12
number of posts about something called a dense bean salad.
44:16
I I don't know if it was invented by this one lady or if
44:18
she was just popularizing it. What the fuck are you talking
44:21
about? What is a dense bean salad?
44:26
What, what, what about it makes it dense?
44:28
I don't want any food described as a dense, A dense bean.
44:34
But it's like, yeah, I they're really trying to get me to eat
44:37
more beans. I, I, I think I made a video
44:39
about it once. And then this guy was like, you
44:42
really should be eating more beans.
44:46
He made like a, he was like a popular health influencer who
44:50
like duetted my video and was like, you have to be eating more
44:54
beans actually. And I was like, first of all, do
44:56
not come up into my TikTok and start telling me this nonsense
45:01
when I just said I will not be eating beans period, that I will
45:05
not have any beans in this house.
45:08
No, I eat beans. I'm a I'm a fan of a Pinto, a
45:13
nice Pinto, some a nice Cannellini.
45:16
I like that it has sort of a drag persona.
45:18
Cannellini beans. I like that.
45:20
It's like this is Cannellini. Well, actually I think Garbanzo
45:24
is Garbanzo is out of drag. Cannellini is drag.
45:30
Linda, Linda Cannellini and Mike Garbanzo.
45:34
I think it's Mike Garbanzo. I was a construction worker and
45:37
he he moonlights as Linda Cannellini, the drag queen.
45:42
That is sort of my fanfiction that I'll be writing.
45:46
Trademark. About beans.
45:48
No, there's two. There really is like a very
45:51
concerted effort to try to get me to eat more beans.
45:53
And I don't like it. I'm not like I'll eat them.
45:57
Jesus, stop. Stop forcing them on me.
46:01
It used to be they to try to get you to eat more beans.
46:04
They'd show you a dog, a nice dog named Bush, and they'd say
46:09
these are Bush's beans and they're baked and they're
46:12
delicious, and now they're trying to get me to eat a dense
46:16
bean salad. No, bring back the dog.
46:20
Bring back Bush's baked beans. Where have they gone?
46:23
I'm not saying that. Yeah.
46:24
Where did that dog go? He was like the second most
46:27
famous dog after Air Bud, the Bush's baked bean dog.
46:31
Do you know what I'm talking about?
46:32
I don't think I do. Actually, you don't know the
46:34
Bush's baked bean dog. I don't think so.
46:36
Oh my God, He was formative for me.
46:39
He was a role model of mine. British's baked beans is like
46:44
the canned beans. Right.
46:46
No, I know what the I know that. They had a whole advertising
46:49
campaign where it was like the little dog.
46:51
It was like he was like a a. He was like a ginger golden
46:55
retriever. What are those?
46:56
Called. He was not an Irish setter.
46:59
He was just a he was just a golden retriever.
47:01
But it was any kind of like a ginger.
47:04
Yeah. See role model Air Bud.
47:09
That's the thing, Air Bud was sort of a jock.
47:12
Oh, did he die? Yeah, I mean in 28, yeah, I mean
47:15
in 2018. So not that shocking, but yeah.
47:18
Duke, Duke the Bushes Bean dog has died.
47:23
Pour, pour out a can of beans for Duke, yeah, no Duke.
47:27
Duke, No. Would he get hit by a car or
47:30
something? No, he had an aggressive cancer.
47:33
No, and they had. To euthanize him.
47:37
See, the beans didn't help. They're always trying to tell
47:41
you beans will make you healthy, but it comes for us all.
47:44
Yeah, I know. I I used to love, I used to love
47:47
Duke the Bush's baked bean dog. And it's like, yeah, Air Bud.
47:52
Air Bud was sort of a jock. Like, he was a role model for
47:55
the jock kids that were looking up to Air Bud.
47:57
I was looking up to Duke the Bush's baked bean dog because he
48:01
was a ginger and he ate a lot of food.
48:03
He ate a lot of delicious beans. But now Duke is gone and we
48:07
don't have anybody trying to sell me delicious, just sugar
48:10
covered beans. They're only trying to sell me
48:12
dense bean salad and I fucking hate it.
48:14
Next, This is sort of along the same lines, but the number of
48:18
vitamins and minerals that are being marketed to me has gotten
48:22
out of control. Used to be you took one Fred
48:27
Flintstone every morning and it tasted like a delicious piece of
48:30
chalk and you didn't have to worry about anything.
48:33
It fixed all your problems. And now I have an entire fucking
48:37
alphabet of vitamins and minerals that I'm supposed to be
48:39
taking. And the people selling them are
48:43
some of the most scary people that you've ever laid your eyes
48:45
upon. How come everybody who's trying
48:48
to get me to take a vitamin or a supplement looks like they have
48:51
like Lincoln log veins sticking out of the side of their necks?
48:56
Everybody trying to sell me like a vitamin and mineral looks like
48:58
it's some type of cartoon monsters.
49:02
Space Jam Monster. We've done.
49:04
We've got it pretty far away in terms of innovating the gummy
49:08
vitamin. I do love that.
49:10
Give me a delicious gummy that kind of has all of the things
49:13
that I need in it. Give me a gummy that sort of
49:15
replaces all of the things that I should be doing in life.
49:19
Am I going outside? No.
49:21
Can I take a little gummy vitamin D?
49:24
Yeah. That's I I love that we've
49:27
managed to make a fruit snack into something that can replace
49:31
the sun. That's beautiful to me.
49:34
I don't like how there's an alphabet's worth of vitamins and
49:39
minerals in that. I have to sort of find out some
49:42
formulation that is good for me. I don't like how some vitamins
49:46
and minerals make you make your tummy go magnesium.
49:54
First of all, I thought magnesium is what power cords
49:56
were made out of and now I'm supposed to take a take it in
49:59
gummy form. Oh let me take my let me take my
50:02
gummy of a 9 Volt battery this morning.
50:05
That also if you don't take the right one we'll make you shit
50:08
your pants. Apparently I need magnesium for
50:12
everything I did just get and I'm excited to try it and or
50:16
excited for it to kill me. Magnesium oil.
50:22
It comes in oil form. First of all, what?
50:24
What are you talking about? Magnesium, the metal you mean.
50:28
You mean the metal? Magnesium is coming in oil form.
50:32
You're just making that up at this point.
50:34
Did I buy it? Yes, and because I saw that
50:39
you're supposed to put magnesium oil on your feet and it helps
50:44
you sleep. You absorb stuff through your
50:46
feet. That's why people put onions
50:47
down there sometimes to feel better.
50:51
It's like a some old type of like I feel like old world's
50:57
like health remedy is you put onions in your socks.
51:03
Or it might be kind of like an Easter, like an Asian inspired
51:06
thing. You put onion, you cut an onion
51:09
in half, you put 1/2 in each sock, put your socks on, sleep
51:13
with it overnight. You wake up beautiful marinade
51:16
on your foot. Your foot is ready to go.
51:19
It's tender, it's flavorful. But yeah, I'm going to try
51:22
starting to rub my feet every night with some magnesium and
51:25
see if that helps me sleep better.
51:27
There's too many things now that are being sold to me that I'm
51:30
like, should I take this? I don't know.
51:32
Will it help? Should I be taking creatine?
51:35
Is that bad for you? Like I keep seeing creatine as
51:40
like, yeah, why not? It's not going to do any harm.
51:43
Just take it. I'm like, this is how people
51:45
die. This is how people get addicted
51:47
to stuff. Peptides.
51:51
What are peptides? Everybody's doing peptides.
51:55
I don't know what that is. Peptides I might, I think are
51:58
might be more like steroids and creatine is more just like super
52:02
protein powder. I don't know.
52:05
I'm not going to look into it, but it does.
52:07
I'm, I'm like, sometimes I see people talking about creatine
52:11
like it's just, yeah, a scoop of this a day and your life will
52:13
never be better. And it's like, oh, if it, if
52:16
that were true, I feel like I'll be hearing about it from more
52:19
trustworthy sources. I I feel like I would be hearing
52:22
about it from people who weren't wearing a muscle tank top.
52:26
I also feel like it wouldn't come in tubs that have a
52:29
lightning bolt on the side of them.
52:31
That's the problem is that like all of this stuff is marketed to
52:34
like browy fratty men and I'm like, I can't be taking that.
52:40
I know I do make fun of like straight guys because they need
52:45
to have something called a dude wipe in order to wash their
52:47
assholes, but like I'm not taking anything that's got a
52:51
lightning bolt on the side of it.
52:52
That's not for me. I'm girl next, using cereal, dry
53:02
cereal as an ice cream Topper. It's going to be a no for me.
53:06
Unfortunately, it's come to my attention recently that dry
53:10
cereal as an ice cream Topper is not doing what it thinks it's
53:14
doing. It sounds in theory.
53:16
It's one of those good things. It it's like one of those things
53:19
that you think, oh, this is going to be awesome.
53:21
Like texting while driving. It sounds like a great idea
53:25
practice not so great or like getting stoned before going to
53:28
the gym sounds like a great idea.
53:30
Sounds like you're going to have the time of your life that I've
53:33
never been more afraid. I got ice cream recently from
53:37
this place that like mixes a bunch of dry cereal in with the
53:42
the ice cream. And it's like whatever the
53:45
cereal scientists have been doing for generations, General
53:50
Mill, Mr. Kellogg, they've been, they've been doing phenomenal
53:54
work to perfectly formulate cereal such that it marries with
54:00
one thing and one thing only, liquid milk.
54:04
And you try mixing it with anything else, like a solid, for
54:08
example, ice cream. It's not, it's not it.
54:12
Oh, oh, now I'm how's, how about some ice cream with sand?
54:16
How about some ice cream with with sawdust?
54:19
That's what it sawdust. That kind of tastes like Froot
54:22
Loops. That's what I'm feeling.
54:24
I don't know how they do it. I don't know what they're doing
54:27
to the cereal, but it kind of only tastes good with milk.
54:30
But that's a reality that we have to accept.
54:33
The 11 exception, of course, the Rice Krispie treat and those
54:39
fucking Keebler elves. No, they're different elves.
54:42
They're a different set of those those triplets snap, crackle and
54:47
pop. Or are they a throuple?
54:50
I don't really know what their situation is.
54:53
The the Rice Crispy elves could be the world's first polycule.
54:58
And I see that for them 'cause I do believe that people in a
55:01
polycule would be eating Rice Krispies in a very real way.
55:05
No, they'd be eating whatever sort of Whole Foods Rice Krispy
55:08
alternative is available, unfortunately.
55:11
But yeah, I don't know. They, they managed to formulate
55:14
Rice Krispies such that when you combine it with marshmallow,
55:19
you're getting a delicious treat.
55:20
But otherwise, dry cereal doesn't belong anywhere near a
55:26
dessert. And I firmly believe that on the
55:29
note of the lives of fictional characters that I've sort of
55:33
taken personally, I guess I'm the only one who learned
55:37
recently that Eloise, that little bitch from the Plaza, was
55:42
not, in fact, living in the walls of the Plaza like a little
55:45
rat girl. No, of course not.
55:49
She was living there, like in the room.
55:51
I don't know what kind of wires got crossed when I was a child,
55:54
but I for some reason always assumed that Eloise lived in the
55:59
walls of the Plaza. And that just made perfect sense
56:03
to me. I was like, yeah, no, she lives
56:05
in the walls. Actually, she's crawling around
56:06
the walls like a little rat girl.
56:09
And I think it's because I was mixing her up with that movie.
56:12
Dustin Checks in. Dunston.
56:15
Dunston Checks In was a movie from when I was a kid about a
56:21
little boy whose dad, I think it's like a custodian at a fancy
56:24
hotel and there's someone, a guest staying at the hotel who
56:30
has a monkey named Dunston and he befriends the monkey and
56:35
like, takes him into the walls with him.
56:37
Oh, 'cause the kid as as a child of a custodian, is very familiar
56:42
with this hotel and gets into the walls of the hotel.
56:45
And I sort of assumed him and Eloise were living very similar
56:48
lifestyles. I saw they're like filming for a
56:52
new series, a new Eloise in the Plaza series.
56:56
Eloise at the Plaza. But yeah, no, I, I'm there's
56:58
sort of a lot of children's book revelations that I've been
57:02
having recently. Another huge one.
57:04
The fact that Stuart Little, the mouse, guess what?
57:08
Not a mouse at all. In fact, a boy.
57:11
Stuart Little was a boy who happened to look very much like
57:15
a mouse and was also the size of a mouse.
57:19
Hey, what is that? It is so upsetting to learn that
57:23
that they sort of made that movie and they made Stuart
57:26
Little a a cute little mouse. No, Stuart Little was a a
57:30
monster. Stuart Little was a little boy
57:33
that was 3/3 inches tall that looked very much like a mouse,
57:37
but was otherwise a human child. The fuck was Roald Dahl on?
57:44
Was that a Oh, it was EB White? I don't know.
57:47
EB White was doing something. He was writing about talking
57:50
spiders and pigs, and he was writing about little little boy
57:56
mouses. The other one that I learned,
57:59
which is a +1, was that the frog and the toad.
58:04
Frog and Toad are like canonically gay for each other.
58:08
Really. That's not just the Internet.
58:10
I know. I always thought that everybody
58:11
was like, oh, like Frog and Toad.
58:13
They love each other because they're like best friends and
58:16
they do everything together. Frog and Toad was written by
58:20
this guy whose name I didn't write down, but they Arnold
58:24
Lobel. Arnold Lobel or Lobel.
58:29
There was this like New Yorker piece that I'd never read
58:31
before, but it turns out that he was like he was married to a
58:38
woman and had children. He came out to them as an adult.
58:44
He never came out to the public, but he came out to his family.
58:47
So his daughter has sort of like put the pieces together that
58:50
frog and toad are probably bumping their cloacas together,
58:55
whatever frog and toads have. And finally, my what the hey for
59:03
the week. My opposite of what the heck the
59:05
thing that's making me happy this week?
59:07
Buying books from the actual bookstore.
59:12
Love it. Is it twice as expensive?
59:14
Yes. But I, I mostly I had to do this
59:19
out of necessity. I had to be like, I cannot keep
59:22
buying books and like I have to cut back on the number of books
59:26
that I'm reading. Like all readers, I suffer from
59:30
a condition called buying books faster than I read books.
59:35
And I had to try to stop that by saying, OK, we'll only buy a
59:39
book if I actually walk to the bookstore and purchase it.
59:45
And I live near the bookstore, so I live near multiple
59:48
bookstores. So there's kind of no excuse.
59:50
And it's like, I get I, I, I should add the caveat that like,
59:55
if you can afford it, you should buy a book from an actual
59:59
bookstore. Like I understand that certain
1:00:03
online companies are making it more affordable for people to
1:00:06
buy books. I will say that they are mostly
1:00:10
doing that in order to run all of the bookstores out of
1:00:15
business and then they'll raise the prices.
1:00:18
It's kind of how those companies work.
1:00:20
And I also had to impose the rule if I can only buy one book
1:00:24
at a time, even though I did break that rule.
1:00:26
It's just like it's so satisfying to go to an actual
1:00:28
bookstore and like get the book off the shelf and to look around
1:00:33
and to see all the other people there.
1:00:35
And like it also stops me 'cause I have a bad case of I buy like
1:00:41
3 books at once 'cause I want to read all of them.
1:00:44
And then after I finish the first one, I'm like, I don't
1:00:46
want to read these other fucking books.
1:00:48
And so I feel like it's forced me to be like, I will only buy a
1:00:52
book that I'm excited to read at that moment, then I'm going to
1:00:56
go back and start reading right away.
1:00:58
And it keeps me from then buying more books than necessary 'cause
1:01:02
I do have hundreds of them, too many.
1:01:05
And I'm reading that book about that Lady who got dumped in
1:01:10
Martha's Vineyard, where all the ticks are.
1:01:13
Anyway, that's it. Thank you for listening to this
1:01:17
week's What the heck? Make sure you like, subscribe,
1:01:21
watch us on YouTube, leave a comment, leave a good review
1:01:25
only if it's nice. I don't want to hear your shit.
1:01:29
And that's it. See you next week.
1:01:32
Bye. This has been an episode of What
1:01:35
the Heck with Matt Bellicide. You can call and leave us a
1:01:38
voicemail about what's making you say what the heck this week
1:01:41
and you might be featured on a future episode.
1:01:43
Call us at 407-984-6288. That's four O 7 WTH Matt.
1:01:49
What the heck with Matt? Bellicide is produced by same
1:01:51
boat Studios and Bellicide Productions.
1:01:53
It's hosted by me, Matt Bellicide.
1:01:55
Our executive producers are Gabriel Lewis, Barry Finkel and
1:01:58
me, Matt Bellicide. Erica Glass is our senior
1:02:01
producer. Our video editors are Matt
1:02:02
Bellicide and Erica Glass. Designed by Erica Glass, Matt
1:02:06
Bellis I and Barry Finkel. Our theme music is courtesy of
1:02:08
epidemicsound.com. Special thanks to Truffles
1:02:11
Bellis I.