Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / What Does Your Highly Sensitive Wife Really Want To Hear?

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What Does Your Highly Sensitive Wife Really Want To Hear? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:08
  Today we're going to talk about what your highly sensitive wife,
• 0:12
  or just a romantic woman wants to hear when you talk to her.
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  So she always wants to talk, right?
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  And it never exactly may feel like you're doing it right if
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  you are not a highly sensitive man, or you've not been raised
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  in a very verbally or emotionally expressive household
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  growing up. So today I will give you a
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  little CHEAT SHEET for the main the main points to hit assuming
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  that you feel that way, but you just don't really know how to
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  articulate it. I never want to you to bullshit
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  your wife. She could smell that a mile
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  away, and even if she couldn't, it wouldn't be ethical.
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  But if you happen to really do love her but you don't really
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  know how to say it, then I want to help you with that.
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  And before that, please do subscribe.
• 0:55
  My most recent subscriber episode was Why Some Men Think
• 0:58
  Trita Mean Keep Em Keen Works, You know, spoiler it doesn't.
• 1:04
  Except if you are misinterpreting it in the way
• 1:07
  that I discuss in the episode. And of course, close to 135
• 1:11
  subscriber episodes for just 899 a month, which is well worth it
• 1:15
  from what I hear from my subscribers.
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  OK, so you always go on these date nights, you have all these
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  romantic interludes, and what does your wife really want you
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  to do? Every time you talk, it seems
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  like she says it's shallow or it's just about the kids, or do
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  we even have a close relationship or whatever?
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  A lot of men are in that situation if they are the more
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  avoidant attachment partner. Or sometimes it's honestly
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  because they were just never raised saying nice things.
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  You know, maybe your parents said I love you, maybe not.
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  Either way, they certainly didn't go around praising you or
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  saying really nice things. And by the way, you know all
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  this whole stuff about how you're never supposed to praise
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  your kid for being smart, that's a load of bullshit, 'cause then
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  they'll never tell that to anybody else either.
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  And you know what? Your wife doesn't want to hear
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  if something good happens at work.
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  You must be proud of yourself. That seems like you put a lot of
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  effort in. Like people want to hear, like,
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  wow, that's awesome. Like, what a smart decision you
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  made. Or they they really know who the
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  best person there is. Like, people want to hear
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  superlatives. But in this parenting age,
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  you're not supposed to give superlatives because somehow it
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  teaches your kids not to have intrinsic motivation.
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  That stuff is garbage. Like, that's that's not realized
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  to work for Carol Dweck in Columbia, And years ago I was a
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  research assistant for those actual studies, the growth
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  mindset studies. And these things have been
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  mutilated by the popular media to mean that you can never tell
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  your kid that they're smart or pretty.
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  Of course you can, and you should 'cause you would want
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  somebody, you would want them to marry somebody who says they're
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  smart or pretty, not just somebody who says, wow, you put
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  a lot of effort in, you know, 'cause nobody really wants that.
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  But that's just an aside. So what does she want to hear
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  then? Well, that was a bit of a, you
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  know, a hint. She wants to hear superlative.
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  She wants to hear that she's beautiful.
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  She wants to hear that she's a great mom, that she's a
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  sensitive and loving wife, that she is attentive to what
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  everybody wants, that she's the best gift giver, that she's the
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  best at anything. She.
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  If guys think that saying things that are more like this is like
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  corny or embarrassing or awkward, then you know, therapy
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  can help you figure out why. Because they're not.
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  They're just loving things. The same kind of things that you
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  might say to your kids. Wow buddy, that's an awesome
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  picture, right? So the same guy will be like wow
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  buddy that's an awesome picture to his like five year old son
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  and then turn around to his wife and she makes dinner and he like
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  literally doesn't say anything. Like literally Like he might be
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  get up and get the salt, you know, and like he doesn't say
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  anything but but meanwhile like many people or and say hey
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  buddy, that's a great picture, that's cool.
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  But, like, also like, five other people probably can say, hey
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  buddy, that's a great picture. And zero people are going to say
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  anything nice to her about her dinner.
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  So, you know, look for opportunities to give
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  compliments. Look for opportunities to
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  recognize her for what she does well, you know, and not just to
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  say like you're a great cook, but what does it mean to you?
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  I'm so happy to have a wife who's such a great cook, right?
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  I'm a lucky guy. That's always a good one.
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  I'm a lucky guy to have such a great wife or whatever.
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  You want to put yourself into the equation and this is
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  difficult for more workhorse type of men and men with lower
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  self esteem who literally feel like if they are in the story
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  then it's like a worse story. Like they would not want a
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  compliment to include them because they don't think that
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  their opinion is very important. But she married you so she wants
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  to know your opinion. Those compliments are so, so
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  much better than the ones that are like very general, like,
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  like this is a great dinner, okay.
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  That's better, certainly than just saying nothing, you know,
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  or saying, oh, what's this new vegetable?
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  Which is like, what some people would say, you know, but like
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  guys who are just factual and they don't mean it bad.
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  They don't even mean it. Like like, oh, then this new
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  vegetable sucks. They literally are asking a
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  question. But if you do that without ever
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  saying anything nice, then it sounds like, man, I guess he
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  just fucking hates my dinner. Like all together.
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  You know he doesn't like the new vegetable.
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  He doesn't like anything. And of course a highly sensitive
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  woman is definitionally sensitive and you know will and
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  and if she tends toward depression or anxiety, she will
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  be rejection sensitive, which is different than highly sensitive.
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  Highly sensitive just means observant.
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  Like super perceptive and observant that feels deeply.
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  You can take the highly sensitive person quiz.
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  You could have your wife take it by Elaine Aaron.
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  Just Google the Highly sensitive person test.
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  But the point being, it doesn't mean rejection sensitive.
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  It doesn't mean the colloquial definition of like
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  oversensitive, however. Many women are also that
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  definition of sensitive, especially if they struggle with
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  depressive or anxious tendencies, they can be very
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  rejection sensitive. So if you say what's this new
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  vegetable they're going to hear? This vegetable is a piece of
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  trash like you dumbass, for buying this stupid vegetable,
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  which is obviously not what you're saying.
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  But while it is certainly not your job to manage anybody's
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  emotions and blah blah, you know, still, if you know that
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  somebody tends to be sensitive, don't say what's this new
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  vegetable? Unless you say and it's awesome,
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  what's this new awesome vegetable?
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  What's this new best vegetable ever?
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  You know, then you could totally say it.
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  But try to be obviously aware and attentive to the fact that
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  your wife may be rejection sensitive, you know, as you may
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  be sensitive about certain things.
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  And if you're saying you're not, then you're lying because what
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  if she was like, oh, what's that thing you did with your penis
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  during sex? Right.
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  You wouldn't be like, over the moon like she noticed you'd be
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  like, what do you mean? You don't really sound like you
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  like that. I didn't think I did anything
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  what, like you would be. So just always take it.
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  If you're trying to make an analogy to understand your wife
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  better, try to use an analogy that indicates that you too have
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  feelings and everybody has feelings you know.
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  So if you would be anxious and feel rejection sensitive, if she
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  made a random comment about sex and you would wonder and worry
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  about that, then that's the way she feels about the damn
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  vegetable. So there bam, you understand.
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  So what are the other deeper level of things that she wants
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  to talk about? She wants to hear what you think
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  of the marriage. She wants to hear.
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  If this relationship is what you always wanted.
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  If it isn't totally what you always wanted, then focus on the
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  parts where it is what you always wanted.
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  I have a podcast that says romantic love is about feeling
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  like you rescued somebody you know and or feeling like
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  somebody rescued you rather both really ideally.
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  And so the men that that end up making the woman swoon with
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  their words are saying things that are very romantic in this
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  sense. Like, you know, like I never
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  knew what real love was until I met you.
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  Basically every man who's in his first or probably second
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  marriage can say that because if you did, unless you're very
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  unhappy, but at some point you did feel like you love this
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  person more than anybody you know.
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  So you can definitely say that like this love that I have with
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  you is different than anything I've ever felt, isn't it?
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  If it is, then that's a layup and it should be.
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  You've had children with this person or you've divorced and
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  remarried this person who's a better fit than the other
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  person. So you know, I mean it's right?
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  If it's right, then say it. Or what are ways that this
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  person made you learn about yourself?
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  Women love that. Remember I say this semi
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  frequently. John Gottman Marital researchers
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  said that the most important thing for women is to feel that
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  the man accepts influence. For men, it's a gentle approach
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  from women when they're bringing something up versus like, hey
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  asshole, why are you so stupid about buying the groceries?
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  She should say, Dear, thank you so much for buying the groceries
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  next time. Do you think that you could add
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  a yogurt to the list? Right.
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  That's going to go a lot better. As anybody knows, And for women,
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  the thing that they want most is a man who accepts influence.
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  Unlike what the manosphere tells you, this is not a man that a
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  woman thinks of as a pussy. She thinks that he is a a
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  sensitive, awesome, awesome, responsive, attentive guy who
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  really knows how to accept feedback and that's great guys
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  who can't accept feedback or like mockable, you know, like
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  it's like it's like a little kid that that can't lose.
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  Like that's what it seems like went to a woman where everything
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  she says to the man, he has a tantrum over it.
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  Basically that's how she thinks about it.
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  So she's going to think about him as a baby, as a third child.
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  I write about this a lot. 5 Ways to get out of the kids zone AKA
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  when your wife considers you a third kid or a fourth kid or
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  second kid or whatever. So if you do not want your wife
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  to think about you like that, you want to be coachable.
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  And that means that sometimes, not every time, but sometimes
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  you take what she says and you do it and you say it was a good
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  idea. And so a version of this is
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  telling her in which positive ways she has changed you.
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  I was a more selfish person until I met you.
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  I was a less self aware person until I met you.
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  That's a big one. If your wife has ever forced you
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  to read, suggested, or forced you to read a book about human
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  relationships, such as the ones I recommend getting the love you
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  want, Hold me tight, whatever. Then if you fucking read it
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  right, and it even taught you one thing, then she has
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  facilitated further self-awareness in you.
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  So why not tell her? It will make her day right?
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  These are the sorts of things women want to hear, deep sorts
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  of observations about how your marriage is going, what you
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  think about her, anything you think about her by the way.
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  And her personality is great because if you're not a
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  sensitive guy, you're not making these observations.
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  So if you like literally, like like here, here's your
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  assignment this week, get 3 observations about your wife's
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  character that you've never told her.
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  I bet you if you tell them to her, she'll be thrilled.
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  And if she says why are you doing this, then you say, I
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  heard it on a podcast. I realize I'm probably
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  definitely, since you've mentioned it, not been giving
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  you the sort of conversation that makes you feel good.
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  I've not been going deep enough. You've said that to me.
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  So now I'm trying to change it. So what I thought is I was
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  observing you during the week and I was, you know, thinking,
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  I'm gonna tell it to you, 'cause I heard about it on a podcast
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  and I thought it was a good idea.
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  It'll make you happy. A lot of guys, and I've said
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  this before, try to hide why they're doing something like,
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  it's like the first rule of Fight Club type of stuff.
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  No, no. If you are in any way trying to
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  learn about your relationship, that is the that's the best
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  part. That's like the most awesome
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  part about it, you know, is that you actually care enough about
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  the relationship to think about it and want to change.
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  Women love that. Like, who wouldn't love that?
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  It's like, let's say like you came upon your wife, like
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  Googling, like like how to give a better blowjob.
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  You would be thrilled. Or like taking Heather's course.
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  I have a sexologist working for Best Life who just did that and
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  she's going to do another one and your wife can get on the the
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  list and she's also doing Lick it Right and Anatomy of a Vulva.
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  So that was a layup for a way to easily segue into the fact that
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  you could get those workshops, go to
• 12:45
  bestlifebehavioralhealth.com. But anyway, you would be
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  thrilled to death that she was Googling that.
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  Even if she was still shit at giving you a blowjob, you would
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  at least appreciate the effort. You would think that it was
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  sexy, that she was looking that stuff up, and it was very
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  endearing as well, no matter if she ended up bad or good.
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  So point is, same thing. So what do I mean by
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  observations? So that's by the way I was
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  explaining why you should tell her that you look up stuff about
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  the relationship. But what are observations?
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  I was noticing you with our daughter doing friendship
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  bracelets and it's so cute. My mother never took the time to
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  do anything like that with us. You're such a great mom.
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  I was noticing you were making a list about things to do for your
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  friend's baby shower. Wow, you're a really good
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  friend. You know, I never thought about
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  it, but you must be the best friend that Mary has, because I
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  can't imagine anybody else would sit down there making a list of
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  20 things to bring to her baby shower.
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  What a good person you are. I I noticed that you were so
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  nice to our son's teacher at pickup.
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  I honestly didn't even remember her name.
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  You're really a good mom. You're very observant.
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  You make everybody feel like they are recognized and
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  appreciated, things like that. You could write it down.
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  You don't have to go like Johnny on the spot, you know, like
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  write it down and then say it. Or you can even write it down
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  and text it, you know, if you want.
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  If you really want to see what happens in real time, you could
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  text her something like that now.
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  It's not true anymore, by the way, in today's day and age that
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  everything has to be face to face.
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  It's good about face to face. But if you primarily communicate
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  on text, the benefit of text is she gets to look at it more.
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  She always has that, so you know that she's seen it and you know
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  that she has it. So then when she scrolls through
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  your text, instead of seeing just like you saying what
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  granola was I supposed to buy again, she sees some nice things
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  that you said about her. So text can be a very effective
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  way to say something romantic because she has it with her
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  then. Always.
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  Sometimes I have people scroll through their text and read me
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  their text and marital counseling to, you know, show
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  them like what's wrong here? And it's like you forgot to get
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  the cereal. OK, I'll get the cereal.
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  What cereal? I'll get this cereal.
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  Remember we have softball tonight.
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  Okay. I remember.
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  You know, it's like 2 robots talking about their dual
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  management of a childcare center when and a home.
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  And it's like no romance, no closeness, no flirting, nothing.
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  You don't want that to be your dry ass text thread with your
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  wife, right? No wonder she doesn't want to
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  have sex. So what we're trying to do here
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  is just the TLDR as you're trying to make your conversation
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  more interesting, more romantic, more personal.
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  Just don't talk about impersonal small talk stuff as as the
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  entirety of what you talk about. It's kind of intuitive if you
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  think about it like that. You know that an impersonal
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  conversation that you could have with any human, he's not going
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  to resonate with her the way that it might.
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  If you talk about direct, you know deeper things about
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  yourself and her, you know, because your relationship then
• 15:55
  is is being talked about as a special thing, and then that
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  makes her feel like it's a special thing.
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  This relationship, what I think about you, what I think about
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  how I think about you. Remember, she married you.
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  She wants to know what you think about her.
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  You may think your opinion is stupid and meaningless, but she
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  doesn't. She thinks your opinion is very
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  important, you know, like you could come to her and say, you
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  know, 700 men here have decided that you are very hot and that
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  would not be as meaningful to her as if you said.
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  I every day thank my lucky stars that I'm with such a hot woman
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  to be my wife. Wow, you were the hottest one at
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  the PTA meeting. You know, whatever it is.
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  So your opinion matters and your thoughts and your observations
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  matter to her. And the more that you can
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  realize this, then the closer you can get and the more that
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  you can have conversations that actually make her feel good and
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  loved and and appreciated and recognized.
• 16:49
  All right. I thought that I hope this was
• 16:51
  useful for you guys. Please do subscribe.
• 16:53
  If you were very interested in Heather's oral sex workshops, an
• 16:57
  hour, $40 online, then sign up at Best Life Behavioral
• 17:02
  health.com. Those are going to be recurring.
• 17:04
  So whenever you hear this, you will probably still be able to
• 17:07
  sign up for things like that. All right, Talk to you all soon.
• 17:09
  Have a great day. Bye, Bye.