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330. How to Stop Playing It Safe (and Why It's Making You Miserable) · How To Love Yourself No Matter What

• 0:00
  Hey, I'm Amanda Hess.
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  I'm a certified life coach.
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  But what you need to know is I'm a sensitive woman just like you and I'm going to help you understand yourself better so that you can approach your life differently and feel really good about it.
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  Let's go.
• 0:18
  Hey, friends.
• 0:19
  So I am at an international figure skating competition this week started yesterday and I thought it would be a really amazing time for me to share with you my takeaways and how it applies to you and how you
• 0:36
  approach your life.
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  Because this is a really cool event.
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  It is an adult figure skating competition.
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  It is held semi annually, so it is held in North America and then it's held in Germany and it's every six months or so.
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  I don't know that that's like fully true, but it's an international finger spanning competition and this competition is only for adults.
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  I think you have to be 28 or over.
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  So every single person here is a full grown adult.
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  And right now I'm just driving to a doctor's appointment because in Canada and British Columbia we have a serious issue with not having enough doctors.
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  And so I don't have one in my city, but lucked out and found 12 hours.
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  So I'm driving there because I'm at the midway point and this is the perfect time for me to be able to get the meet and greet done with this doctor.
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  And I'm actually extremely grateful and extremely happy that I'm finally going to have a GP after living here for six years.
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  However, that's not what this podcast is about.
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  This podcast is about doing the hard thing, doing the hard thing and the value in doing the hard thing and how to do a hard thing and have it be something that feeds you.
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  So I think that a lot of times in our lives we do a lot of hard things that we don't choose.
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  We go through life and hard things just happen.
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  You know, people get sick, people die, we experience failure in our businesses, we get fired, we get laid off, we get broken up with, we lose somebody, somebody dies.
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  And we, we experience that.
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  And those are extremely hard things that we have to go through.
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  And so many of us go through so many things that we don't choose that are hard.
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  And so it can be very tempting to believe that we don't need to add another hard thing to our plate, especially if we're going through something hard.
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  And I actually really want to push you to think about that differently.
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  So I actually had a conversation with a competitor who is friends with my Skating bestie.
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  And she was telling me that she's moving back to Kamloops because she had lost her fiance, he had passed away, and she had signed up for this competition.
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  And she was like, you know, I think this will be.
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  This is going to be a good distraction for me.
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  And I do think it's a distraction for sure.
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  But I also think it's a reminder that you're still alive.
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  And I think that we need those reminders.
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  We need to be surrounded by a totally different side of life, a different side of ourselves.
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  You know, when you decide to put yourself in the situation that all of these adults, hundreds of adult skaters, have put themselves in, there's so many things at play.
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  You know, number one, you are figure skating as an adult.
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  It is a very difficult sport.
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  It requires so much mental fortitude because you do need to be thinking about so many things all the time.
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  If you just think about even just standing up on skates, the amount of concentration, especially when you're new, that that takes.
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  Anybody that's ever tried ice skating that maybe hasn't done it very often.
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  But as you progress through skating, SK is a sport that's a lot like golf.
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  There's always a harder version.
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  You can always do it better.
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  You can always perform better.
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  There are just.
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  There's no end in sight.
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  There's no limit.
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  Even when you watch Olympic skaters and you see, you know, these people landing these quadruple axles, you know, to put it in perspective, having a triple axel at one point landed was a huge feat.
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  And as a single skater myself, who skated until I was about 14 or 15, I can tell you that the axel is extremely difficult jump jumping from forwards, which in itself is difficult.
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  So you're jumping forwards in the air, not backwards.
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  So your pick is not protecting you.
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  You really are using your edge to get up off the ice.
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  And then to do a single axle, you're going one and a half rotations in the air so that you can land backwards.
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  So it's one of those things where if you think about doing a double or a triple or a quadruple, it's insane the amount of speed that you would need to have for that jump, but just to even land
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  a single axle is.
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  It's such an athletic jump, it's such a difficult jump, and the consequences are somewhat high.
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  I mean, what I will say is, I've seen people do it on roller skates, and that blows my mind.
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  Because roller skating is one of those things where if you fall, you're on the ground.
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  At least when you're ice skating, you have the opportunity to potentially slide.
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  But it's really not what this is about.
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  What this is about is doing hard things.
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  So whether you decide you want to figure skate or you want to do something else, a lot of times what people do is when they're deciding what they're going to put their time and energy into, they really look
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  at it and think, well, what do I think I can do?
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  And that seems very logical.
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  And as we get older, that seems more and more logical that we should look for the things that are lower risk, that are easier on our bodies, that are not as challenging.
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  And so a lot of times when I'm coaching someone, when I say, you know, what do you do for yourself?
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  They'll tell me like, I walk, I go on hikes.
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  Which is fine.
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  Listen, there's nothing wrong with it.
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  I'm not going to say there's no value in it, but there is a lot of value in leaning into doing stuff that's hard, that isn't your regular day to day life.
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  And it doesn't necessarily need to have a physical consequence.
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  There are lots of different things that you can do.
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  But stretching ourselves and growing ourselves in areas that we haven't considered before, that we have considered and then opted out of because we think we're not good enough, smart enough, it's too late for us.
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  Whatever it is, those are things we want to be curious about and those are things we want to tap into.
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  I will tell you that signing up for a skating competition where I think it was $200 for my first event and $150 for each subsequent event, when I'm competing in three solo events and one synchro.
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  Eventually I can tell you that first of all there is, you know, that financial cost, not to mention the ice time, the lessons, the dresses, the skates, all the things.
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  But to me, like paying the money is, is genuinely the easy part.
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  Now for some of you, that's going to be the hard part because you're not used to investing in yourself.
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  You're not used to being the person that actually does stuff for you, spends money for on you.
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  And that is, that is your growth.
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  That is something that you need to figure.
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  But I actually think the harder part is putting yourself in a position where you could be embarrassed.
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  That is what I hear from coaching my clients.
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  Their number one fear is being embarrassed.
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  And listen, I get it.
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  I can tell you I have been embarrassed.
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  I have skated a program in a competition and gotten a Little turned around on the ice, which is surprisingly easy to do, and lost track of my program, and came in dead last by a lot because I didn't
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  complete a lot of my elements.
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  I have skated in a competition where I thought I skated all right and came in dead last in the competition.
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  I have really and truly run the emotional gamut in this sport because the truth is, there's such a.
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  There's such a big spread of skill and ability level.
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  And also, when you compete in an adult figure skating, you self select where you're going to put yourself.
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  So, for instance, I skated yesterday.
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  I skated in solo free dance, which is a new event, and I didn't know what to expect.
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  My coach and I looked at the requirements, felt that I was meeting them with what I had.
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  There are actual skills that you need to do on the session.
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  And.
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  And I went and skated and the skater before me got a score of 22 and I got a score of 11, and it was alarming.
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  And then you skate off the ice and you sit at the kiss and cry, which is ultimately like a little, I don't know, stool bench that you sit on with your couch.
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  If you've ever watched the Olympics or anything like that, you've seen it, and then you're waiting for your scores and you're talking to your coach.
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  And sometimes people bring over stuffies and stuff like that.
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  That's.
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  That's essentially what we're doing here.
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  And it's so fascinating to sit there because you see yourself on the screen and it's large and weird and the whole thing is just a crazy experience.
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  However, when I got that 11, I was really worried, you know, and I felt an initial surge of embarrassment.
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  And what I've learned is that you won't die from embarrassment.
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  Now I'm happy to say that out of eight skaters, I placed fourth.
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  And I'm happy with that number.
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  You know, I've never skated that event before.
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  Still not a hundred percent sure why my edge element didn't count.
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  But the reason why I'm telling you this is we need to grow our capacity to feel embarrassed, not avoid embarrassment.
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  And so if you are looking at doing hard things, things you haven't tried before, things that you make you think, maybe I could do that, that could be fun.
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  And what's stopping you is feeling embarrassed.
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  The number one skill that you truly, honestly need to learn is how to grow your capacity for embarrassment.
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  You need to learn how to feel embarrassed.
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  And I know that that can sound really Scary and really difficult.
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  But I promise you, you 100% have the ability to do so.
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  We all have the ability to grow our capacity for embarrassment.
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  Now, what I don't mean is that you need to be able to tolerate embarrassment.
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  All right?
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  So tolerating embarrassment looks like grinning and bearing it and hoping it goes away and hoping it never happens to you again and wishing that you will never have to feel it again.
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  That's tolerating.
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  Experience that.
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  That's tolerating embarrassment.
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  And I don't want you to tolerate embarrassment.
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  I want to grow your capacity for embarrassment.
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  So what that looks like is, oh, I feel really embarrassed.
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  But I know what to do with this emotion, and I know it's not going to last.
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  And I'm going to let it go all the way through, and I'm going to have my own back.
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  I'm going to have my own back.
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  I'm going to talk myself through this, breathe in, breathe out, and just remind myself that this is just a feeling.
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  And when we can do that, and we can do that with confidence, we can just move on to the next thing.
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  So, for instance, I have another event coming up tomorrow morning, and what my brain wants to tell me is, oh, my gosh, Amanda, like, maybe you actually put yourself in the wrong group, and this is a really big
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  group, and you're probably not going to do well, and you're probably not going to be able to score what you want to score.
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  These are things that feel very important to my brain, but the reality is, none of it is important.
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  Here's what's important.
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  What's important is, is a couple of things.
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  Number one, I signed up.
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  Number two, I showed up.
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  Number three, I'm going to skate my fucking heart out.
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  I'm going to do the very best I can do.
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  I am going to love that moment.
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  That minute and forty seconds that I'm on the.
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  On the ice, that is mine.
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  I have 10 people sitting up in that judging stand watching me.
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  I have spectators and people that are literally cheering for me, rooting for me, wanting me to do well in the stands.
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  At home, I have this opportunity to showcase something that I have worked on week in, week out, all summer.
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  And this is my moment.
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  This is my moment.
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  And that's what I get to think about if I think about it on purpose.
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  But if I am sitting there listening to my brain going, what if you're embarrassed?
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  What if this happens?
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  What if you screw up?
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  What if you fall down?
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  What if you're last?
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  If I listen to that side of my brain, it takes over.
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  And then what happens is when I go to skate, I don't skate that well.
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  I don't really enjoy the competition that much.
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  I end up withdrawing or not actually going and participating in the next one, which is crazy because it's not what I need and it's not what I want.
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  What I want is this stage.
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  What I want is this opportunity to showcase myself.
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  What I want is to prove to myself that I can do hard things and I can do things that light me up and then excite me and that interest me.
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  And I'm the kind of person that'll do that.
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  And I'm going to go all the fucking way.
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  All the fucking way.
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  And everybody here listening to this podcast needs to hear that message, including me.
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  Right?
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  Because I re listen to these podcasts myself.
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  I think it's so powerful to hear somebody else tell you, you need to grow your ability to feel embarrassed and then also grow your ability to create courage.
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  And creating courage is part of doing hard things.
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  Doing hard things on purpose.
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  Another skill that you need to learn is how to create courage.
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  Nobody is naturally a courageous person.
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  And courage, you could be courageous in one area and not courageous in another.
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  I was having a conversation with another skater who was telling me about this business that she wants to start, and she has got to learn the skill of growing courage to be able to start that business, even though
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  she's an extremely courageous skater.
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  And so it's really understanding that we've got to understand, once we understand how to grow courage, we can grow at any time, anywhere, on demand.
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  And that is a skill worth having.
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  So when I say to somebody, you need to start doing hard things that aren't just your job or your personal life.
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  You need to understand that the reason for it is the person that you are creating, the resilience that you are creating.
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  The way that you are changing the way your brain operates, the way you are changing the way your brain thinks.
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  This is powerful, powerful strength that you can use in all areas of your life.
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  It will do nothing but increase the quality of your life and increase your fulfillment in your life.
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  So when someone says to me, I feel unfulfilled, I know that this is the part that is lacking.
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  This is the piece that we haven't tapped into.
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  This is the piece that we haven't worked on.
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  So if this is you, I want you to know it's time.
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  It's time to do hard things.
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  I don't care what it is, but it needs to be something that scares you.
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  It needs to be something that lights you up.
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  It needs to be something that if you were to do it, you'd be like, fuck, yeah, I did that.
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  And then once we figured that out, we work at increasing your capacity for.
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  For embarrassment.
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  And we work at increasing your ability to create courage.
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  And in doing those two things, fulfillment has no option but to arrive.
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  So if that interests you, if you're like, oh, my God, I totally need that.
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  I totally want that.
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  What I want you to know is that coaching is the perfect vehicle to get you there.
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  This is what I work with, with my clients all day long, all the time, and I always am going to offer you a discovery call because a discovery call is that place where you get to take that courageous
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  step.
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  And it is a courageous step.
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  Getting on a call with somebody and talking about changing the way that you operate is a courageous first step and is the first step to doing this work.
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  So if that is something that lights you up, go to Amanda Hess ca book a call and book a discovery call with me.
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  I won't be booking any this week because I will be at my skating competition until Saturday night.
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  I will be coming home on Sunday, but I want to talk to you next week.
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  Amandahest ca bookacall.
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  Let's go.
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  Bye for now.
• 16:47
  Thanks so much for listening today.
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  If this podcast is helping you, please follow wherever you listen and consider leaving a review.
• 16:55
  It truly helps this community grow and allows me to support more women like you.
• 17:01
  I'm excited to see you back here next week with a brand new episode.
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  Until then, take care, friend.