Latest / The Resilience Project / "I've Done the Work - Why Do I Still Feel Shame?" | Somatic Healing, Nervous System Regulation & Sacred Sisterhood with Becky Aste + Bridget Covill

Transcript

"I've Done the Work - Why Do I Still Feel Shame?" | Somatic Healing, Nervous System Regulation & Sacred Sisterhood with Becky Aste + Bridget Covill · The Resilience Project

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Hi y'all, I'm Julie.
0:02
SPEAKER_00: I'm a trauma-informed adoptee coach and somatic healing guide.
0:06
SPEAKER_00: After overcoming deep abandonment wounds, I now help adult adoptees move from feeling lost and disconnected to experiencing profound self-belonging.
0:19
SPEAKER_00: I know what it is like to carry the weight of abandonment, to feel stuck in patterns of longing, adapting, and searching for belonging.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: To have tried every healing modality available and come up empty.
0:36
SPEAKER_00: My own healing has taught me this.
0:38
SPEAKER_00: The answers aren't out there, they're buried within me.
0:42
SPEAKER_00: And I'm here to guide you home to yourself.
0:45
SPEAKER_00: The Resilience Project podcast brings voice, visibility, and validation to the parts of adoption society rarely names, but all of us feel.
0:57
SPEAKER_00: Through an trauma-informed somatic lens, I explore the lived experiences of the entire adoption constellation with a tender emphasis on the adoptee experience.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: This podcast goes beyond storytelling into soul telling.
1:15
SPEAKER_00: It offers embodied insight, compassionate education, and a path towards awareness, hope, and strength.
1:25
SPEAKER_00: Each episode invites listeners to understand adoption more deeply, not just with the mind, but with the nervous system.
1:33
SPEAKER_00: And to reconnect with the truth, identity, and belonging that were always yours to come home to.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: Welcome.
1:46
SPEAKER_00: Hey friends.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: Before we get into today's conversation, I want to name something kind of funny that happened as I was planning these episodes.
1:55
SPEAKER_00: Last week, Dr.
1:56
SPEAKER_00: Liz and I talked about Unmothered, a revolution in Adopte Healing, the retreat she and I co-facilitate, back for its second offering, because the first one showed us how much this space was needed.
2:08
SPEAKER_00: Today, you're going to hear all about Wild and Rooted, a retreat I'm co-hosting this November with two women you're about to meet.
2:15
SPEAKER_00: It's also the second iteration of that retreat.
2:18
SPEAKER_00: And next week, I'm sitting down with Elizabeth Barber and Leslie McKinnon to talk about the long game, a retreat that centered on reunion and all the tender, complicated, hopeful things that word holds for those of us in the adoption constellation.
2:35
SPEAKER_00: I promise I didn't plan a retreat series.
2:38
SPEAKER_00: It just became one.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: And honestly, when I noticed it, I decided not to fight it because maybe there's something in that.
2:46
SPEAKER_00: So many of us have been doing this work alone for a long time.
2:50
SPEAKER_00: And healing happens relationally.
2:53
SPEAKER_00: So maybe it makes sense that all of these in-person come sit with us spaces are surfacing at once.
3:00
SPEAKER_00: Here's my heart with all of it.
3:02
SPEAKER_00: This isn't about pressure, and it's definitely not about doing all the things.
3:07
SPEAKER_00: I simply want you to know what's available to you because you can't say yes to something you don't know exists.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: Maybe one of these is for you.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: Maybe none of them are.
3:17
SPEAKER_00: And that's completely okay too.
3:19
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you'll just listen and take what resonates.
3:22
SPEAKER_00: Whatever is true for you, what arises belongs.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so let's get in today's episode.
3:31
SPEAKER_04: You've regulated, you've journaled, you've done more inner work than most people you know.
3:37
SPEAKER_00: And yet there's still this quiet place inside that can't fully exhale.
3:42
SPEAKER_00: Today I am sitting down with two women, you just heard them, that I trust deeply to talk about that place and what becomes possible when you stop meeting it alone.
3:55
SPEAKER_00: So welcome back to the Resilience Project podcast.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: As always, I love being with you.
4:00
SPEAKER_00: It's my favorite time of the week.
4:03
SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is clearly a little different.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: And honestly, you're going to love it because I'm not sitting here alone.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: I'm joined by two women who have become true co-laborers in this work with me, Becky Aste and Bridget Covel.
4:19
SPEAKER_00: Becky is a trauma-informed somatic marriage coach.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: Y'all know that I work with her as her client support coach and love it.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: She works with the 93% of communication that isn't spoken.
4:31
SPEAKER_00: The tone, the energy, the nervous system cues that shape how we connect long before words do.
4:38
SPEAKER_00: And Bridget is a reset breath work facilitator who helps women release what they've been carrying, sometimes without even realizing that they were even holding it, so their aliveness can come back online.
4:50
SPEAKER_00: The three of us are coming together this November to co-host our second ever wild and rooted three-day immersive retreat on the eastern shore of Delaware.
5:01
SPEAKER_00: But this episode isn't about a retreat, actually.
5:05
SPEAKER_00: It's about a question we hear all the time from women in our communities.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: I've done so much work.
5:12
SPEAKER_00: Why does part of me still feel like it's holding on?
5:16
SPEAKER_00: So today we're going there.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: Shame, the nervous system, sisterhood, and why some layers of this journey simply can't be softened in isolation.
5:27
SPEAKER_00: Healing happens relationally, and this conversation is a living example of that.
5:32
SPEAKER_00: So Becky and Bridget, welcome.
5:35
SPEAKER_00: I am so glad you're here.
5:37
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having us.
5:40
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, thank you for having us, Julie.
5:44
SPEAKER_00: You all are going to see our dynamic throughout this entire recording.
5:48
SPEAKER_00: It's going to be so much fun.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: So, Becky, you almost lost your marriage before somatic work changed everything.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: So I'd love if you could take us back to that season.
6:02
SPEAKER_00: What did it look like for you to look fine on the outside?
6:06
SPEAKER_00: And what did that cost you?
6:09
SPEAKER_04: It was the top of my career.
6:11
SPEAKER_04: This was before I was a marriage coach, obviously.
6:13
SPEAKER_04: I was in a network marketing company.
6:15
SPEAKER_04: I was top 2% of the company.
6:17
SPEAKER_04: I remember a moment where I earned a free career car, and my whole friends and family came to the car pickup party, and it was a big celebration.
6:27
SPEAKER_04: Everyone sees the smile plastered on my face.
6:30
SPEAKER_04: And I remember my mom FaceTimed us and she looked at my face and she knew what was going on in my life and marriage at that time behind closed doors.
6:40
SPEAKER_04: And she saw the sadness.
6:42
SPEAKER_04: And she just gave me that look.
6:44
SPEAKER_04: I know you're not really happy right now.
6:47
SPEAKER_04: And I just was like, now it's not time.
6:50
SPEAKER_04: Just gotta go, mom.
6:51
SPEAKER_04: Got to get back to the party, back to the balloons, back to the cake waiting for me.
6:55
SPEAKER_04: And it was awful.
6:57
SPEAKER_04: It was an awful feeling to know that when I laid my head on my pillow at night during those times, I was so riddled with anxiety and distance from my husband.
7:10
SPEAKER_04: For anyone who relates, it was like we're just two feet away from each other and it feels like a two-mile divide between us right now.
7:17
SPEAKER_04: And we're on our way to separation, divorce.
7:21
SPEAKER_04: So it was it was tough, especially because part of the job was making sure my life seemed really shiny and successful on the outside.
7:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I remember that time.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: And you knew it was, and I did, I knew you.
7:35
SPEAKER_00: And I also remember how special your relationship with your mom was.
7:39
SPEAKER_00: That's a whole other layer, especially because isn't today the eight-month anniversary of her passing?
7:45
SPEAKER_00: Yes, sure is, yeah.
7:47
SPEAKER_00: Sorry to bring that up, but it's the truth.
7:49
SPEAKER_00: I think we need to be real about what's going on behind the scenes with us sometimes.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: So just thankful that you're here, thankful that your heart is to be present with us, even if it's difficult.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: So thank you for that.
8:01
SPEAKER_00: Honored by that.
8:02
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, of course.
8:03
SPEAKER_04: So Bridget.
8:04
SPEAKER_02: I'm thankful that your wild mama spirit lives on in you.
8:08
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, she is wild.
8:09
SPEAKER_04: Actually, she reminds me of Bridget.
8:12
SPEAKER_04: Bridget is my mom reincarnate or something.
8:15
SPEAKER_04: So that's why I want to hang out with you today.
8:17
SPEAKER_01: Best compliment ever.
8:20
SPEAKER_01: Got it.
8:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it very much is.
8:22
SPEAKER_00: So, Bridget, I would love if you could talk about helping women remember their wild.
8:28
unknown: Yeah.
8:28
SPEAKER_00: What did you what did you have to do to remember that in yourself first?
8:33
SPEAKER_02: Well, I want to preface it with saying, I'm still doing it.
8:37
SPEAKER_02: The work really never ends.
8:39
SPEAKER_02: And I feel like when I think back to we did wild and rooted two years ago now, was it?
8:44
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: It was two years ago.
8:45
SPEAKER_02: Yep.
8:46
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
8:46
SPEAKER_02: So I had a very polished story of how I got into this work and how I found my wild and all that.
8:51
SPEAKER_02: And then I hit 40.
8:53
SPEAKER_02: And in between, I feel like it's a whole nother layer of the dark soul that I'm watching, if you will.
9:00
SPEAKER_02: And so much has transpired as it has in everyone in in two years.
9:04
SPEAKER_00: And I think, can you say your question again for me?
9:08
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
9:08
SPEAKER_00: My question is what did you have to do to remember your wild in yourself first?
9:14
SPEAKER_00: Perfect.
9:15
SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much.
9:16
SPEAKER_02: So it actually relates a lot to what Becky said because I think the answer to the question is I have to continue to remind myself that I can trust how I feel.
9:24
SPEAKER_02: I can trust what's coming up in my body.
9:26
SPEAKER_02: One of the hardest things in the world is to admit to someone else, but really just to admit to yourself that you're not happy, that you're not actually living the life that feels like it's for you.
9:37
SPEAKER_02: And that right there, if you asked me two years ago, I just would never have said that.
9:41
SPEAKER_02: I just would have had my polished story and said I've been a success story and I'm I'm happy.
9:46
SPEAKER_02: And it was still in that level of performance.
9:49
SPEAKER_02: And so to really lean into my wildness, it, yeah, it's leaning into being authentic, but it's leaning into trusting how I feel is okay.
9:56
SPEAKER_02: Even if, even if to the world it doesn't make sense, even if to me it doesn't make sense, how I how I feel deserves to be acknowledged.
10:04
SPEAKER_02: It deserves to be trusted.
10:06
SPEAKER_02: I don't need to act from that place necessarily, right?
10:09
SPEAKER_02: I don't need to be feeling all however I'm feeling and take radical action, but I just need, for me, it's constantly coming back to I can trust this.
10:17
SPEAKER_02: And actually, I literally just got it tattooed and I trust that on my arm because that's my motto.
10:23
SPEAKER_02: It's it's what happens to us, how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.
10:27
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I can't always trust the stories in my head, but I can trust my body.
10:31
SPEAKER_02: I can trust that I might not know why in this season things feel out of alignment, but they do.
10:36
SPEAKER_02: Or why you don't feel happy in your marriage, but they do.
10:39
SPEAKER_02: And so that's the biggest difference for me in the last two years that I don't think I would have related it to you.
10:45
SPEAKER_02: Ask how do you get back to your wild?
10:47
SPEAKER_02: But that's what it is.
10:48
SPEAKER_02: When we're kids, we trust, right?
10:50
SPEAKER_02: When we're a baby, when we trust, when we're hungry, we're gonna tell the freaking world we're hungry.
10:53
SPEAKER_02: We gotta pee, we're gonna pee.
10:54
SPEAKER_02: There's no muting, there's no filtering.
10:57
SPEAKER_02: And there's a been a lot of filtering in the four decades that I've been alive.
11:01
SPEAKER_02: So coming back to, I don't have to filter it and I've got my back.
11:05
SPEAKER_02: And that's enough, I think, really allows me to show up in this place of wildness or my authentic really who I am.
11:13
SPEAKER_02: And I'm still figuring that out because it's very different than who I was two years ago.
11:17
SPEAKER_00: Well, and I think we all are still figuring that out, whether you're 40 or 37 or almost 37.
11:25
SPEAKER_00: Almost 37?
11:26
SPEAKER_04: Who me?
11:26
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
11:28
SPEAKER_04: I was gonna say we're all so different than we were two years ago.
11:33
SPEAKER_04: Having this little three of us get back together.
11:35
SPEAKER_04: I'm like, whoa, if the us now could have told us what was gonna transpire in the two years after that first retreat we held.
11:43
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, it's good.
11:44
SPEAKER_04: We don't get all the information about our future at once.
11:46
SPEAKER_01: Hell yeah.
11:47
SPEAKER_01: Gosh, I don't think we can hold it.
11:50
SPEAKER_01: I'd go into a cave.
11:51
SPEAKER_01: I'd go into a cave and be able to tell me to come out after the next two years.
11:55
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I it's so interesting.
11:57
SPEAKER_00: I think for me, this, as you both know, connects to my own personal adoptee lived experience, the person who was placed for adoption at well, at birth, never actually was held by my birth mother and then was in foster care for seven weeks.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: I think me being able to connect to my wild, like I was asking you, Bridget, or even just connect to myself was identifying that I'm fine exterior that I had that I presented to everybody.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm good.
12:28
SPEAKER_00: And I was hyper independent, didn't want anybody to be involved in my life deeply, because if they were, they'd really know me and then they'd see me and they wouldn't like me or they'd abandon me and reject me.
12:39
SPEAKER_00: And so those survival patterns formed for me early, early on before I actually even had language.
12:45
SPEAKER_00: And so I think when we talk about the different things we're going to talk about today, the shame, the communication, the breath work that we will end up doing, I know for a fact the versions of us now are going to be bringing something completely different and completely amazing to the women that have already registered, which by the way, at this point we're we're over halfway registered, which is amazing.
13:09
SPEAKER_00: So that's exciting.
13:11
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
13:12
SPEAKER_00: So here we are, three different doorways.
13:14
SPEAKER_00: And somehow we have all arrived in the same room, and we've all realized that the solution is in the body, which I think is a beautiful thing.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: So why do you think high functioning, self-aware women still carry a subtle undercurrent of shame?
13:33
SPEAKER_00: And where do you think it hides?
13:36
SPEAKER_00: Whichever one of you wants to answer that.
13:39
SPEAKER_02: Let me think about that.
13:40
SPEAKER_02: That's a good question.
13:41
SPEAKER_02: Why?
13:41
SPEAKER_02: If your question was, do you think women carry shame?
13:44
SPEAKER_02: I would say every single one of us.
13:46
SPEAKER_02: Every single one of us.
13:47
SPEAKER_02: Right.
13:48
SPEAKER_02: Becky, if I can step in and just take it from my perspective, from what I've learned, a lot of mine has been, I I hate just the word conditioning, but conditioning, religion is a deep one for me.
13:59
SPEAKER_02: A deep, deep, deep, deep, deep that I carry as far as sexual shame goes and just in general, being a woman and what that means to be myself and and it not fitting.
14:10
SPEAKER_02: We as women are so dynamic.
14:13
SPEAKER_02: And wherever the shame comes from, whether it comes from family or church or society, it's somebody saying there's a box.
14:21
SPEAKER_02: And I think the beautiful thing about our retreat is the theme really comes from this place of you can be free and still kind of rooted in in that you've got you.
14:30
SPEAKER_02: You're not alone.
14:31
SPEAKER_02: You've got you.
14:32
SPEAKER_02: I can feel just even coming in and feeling my own energy was new for me.
14:36
SPEAKER_02: I never felt my energy.
14:37
SPEAKER_02: I knew my energy was lighty and all over the place, but it wasn't until I actually came in to enjoy being in my own presence that now I don't look.
14:47
SPEAKER_02: Do you are you guys okay with how I am?
14:48
SPEAKER_02: I just show up how I am because I enjoy who I'm being.
14:52
SPEAKER_02: And so I I'm still uncovering shame in my life.
14:55
SPEAKER_02: And I and I, but I think a lot of mine personally is years of family and and religion and just telling me a really quick example is I was the pickiest eater when I was little.
15:06
SPEAKER_02: And now that I've done the work that we've all done, I now know that labeling me picky was actually the first freaking disconnection from my body.
15:13
SPEAKER_02: I knew what I liked and didn't like, but I was told over and over and over again, you're just high needs, you can't take you anywhere, you can't go to a restaurant, right?
15:22
SPEAKER_02: All this stuff and all the stories that shame just I I I could I explain shame as just a sticky emotion and it just it keeps you stuck.
15:30
SPEAKER_02: And it's not true, but it's so true inside, at least it was for me inside my head.
15:37
SPEAKER_02: And I think so much of what we call what what is shame, we're not even labeling as a shame.
15:41
SPEAKER_02: We just think I don't know how to describe it, but there's layers of shame that is everywhere I look, someone's telling me how to live my life and what to do and how to show up as a wife and a mom and an entrepreneur.
15:52
SPEAKER_02: And every time we step away from that, there's a level of shame that gets embedded.
15:57
SPEAKER_02: At least it did for me.
15:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, I I can definitely relate to that.
16:01
SPEAKER_00: So, Bex, where do you think that subtle undercurrent of shame hides?
16:06
SPEAKER_00: And I have a couple of other questions about this to you, pointedly specifically, you and Bridget, but I'm just curious from your experience, maybe even within your body, where do you feel like shame hides?
16:16
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I just want to speak to Bridget calling out her own personality.
16:19
SPEAKER_04: She was like, I'm the flighty one.
16:21
SPEAKER_04: And it was funny because I was thinking about the three of us and how different we are, and the earth signs came to mind.
16:28
SPEAKER_04: Bridget is like the wind, Julie is like fire, and I'm like earth.
16:31
SPEAKER_04: I don't know if you guys would agree.
16:33
SPEAKER_01: Agree.
16:34
SPEAKER_04: Agree.
16:35
SPEAKER_01: Agree.
16:36
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, together the elements.
16:38
SPEAKER_04: So as far as wear in my body, I think it's different for everyone.
16:41
SPEAKER_04: I love that you're just assuming that from the jump because one, like Bridget said, I think so many women go around, they wouldn't use the word shame to experience what they're describing.
16:51
SPEAKER_04: But shame shows up when there's a severed sense of connection and belonging.
16:56
SPEAKER_04: It's that there's something wrong with me.
16:59
SPEAKER_04: I don't deserve or I've had connection pulled in some way, and so I'm separate.
17:06
SPEAKER_04: I always think of Adam and Eve in the in the garden.
17:09
SPEAKER_04: As soon as they hid, that's when Shane.
17:11
SPEAKER_04: Shame entered the scene.
17:13
SPEAKER_04: And I didn't think about shame much, but it shows up in perfectionism, hyper-achieving, control.
17:20
SPEAKER_04: Anytime the ego's in the driver's seat, shame can be present.
17:26
SPEAKER_04: So it does live in the body, and I think it lives different places for everyone.
17:31
SPEAKER_04: But for me, when I'm in shame, I immediately feel it in my upper abdomen.
17:37
SPEAKER_04: My gut will get either hot, hot, hot, fire.
17:41
SPEAKER_04: Recently had the birthday party experience where I turned this mom's two kids away from my daughter's birthday party because my daughter just wanted her friends there, not the really young twins.
17:52
SPEAKER_04: And I felt like an immediate bad person.
17:54
SPEAKER_04: The mom didn't take it well.
17:55
SPEAKER_04: She's still not speaking to me.
17:57
SPEAKER_04: My belly was on fire four days.
18:00
SPEAKER_04: I also feel like a closing in my throat.
18:03
SPEAKER_04: So those are my two spots for other women.
18:05
SPEAKER_04: It shows up in posture, concave posture and slumped forward or mind racing or whatever your cocktail of choice is, how your body responds to shame.
18:15
SPEAKER_04: It's just that alert bell going, oop, we are either bad, not worthy of love, connection, belonging.
18:21
SPEAKER_04: There's been a severed sense of that happening.
18:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, which I very much relate to because it's the what I feel like is the passion of my work is finding that belonging for those of us as adopted people who never felt like from the beginning that we did belong.
18:37
SPEAKER_00: We we originate in shame.
18:39
SPEAKER_00: Basically, we were secrets in a lot of cases.
18:42
SPEAKER_00: We were too much or not enough, or we shouldn't have existed.
18:45
SPEAKER_00: That's how I felt.
18:45
SPEAKER_00: I felt like I shouldn't even be here because as you both know, my birth mother attempted to abort me twice in weeks 12 to 16.
18:51
SPEAKER_00: So what so there was this feeling of I'm not supposed to be here.
18:54
SPEAKER_00: And yet there was also the feeling of God wanted me here.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: So it was this dichotomy that was really difficult for me to navigate.
19:01
SPEAKER_00: And like you described, Becky, for me, I get concave.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: The minute shame happens, I turn inward.
19:07
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be around anybody.
19:08
SPEAKER_00: I shut down, I immediately start crying.
19:11
SPEAKER_00: It's what it's what Brene Brown calls the crying hides.
19:14
SPEAKER_00: That's what I do when I have shame.
19:17
SPEAKER_00: So I think each one of us, it's just so interesting.
19:20
SPEAKER_00: That's why it's so important for us, the three of us, to facilitate something like this.
19:25
SPEAKER_00: So each part can be seen.
19:27
SPEAKER_00: I love how you described it the wind, the fire, and the earth.
19:31
SPEAKER_00: That's just beautiful.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: So, Becky, I'm curious how does shame show up nonverbally in a specific conflict and intimacy in the moments that there are no words for.
19:43
SPEAKER_00: You kind of described it, but I don't know if you could give us an example of that.
19:48
SPEAKER_04: Mm-hmm.
19:49
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, different for every person.
19:52
SPEAKER_04: I'll just give an example, Bridget.
19:55
SPEAKER_02: I'm happy to share after you.
19:56
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
19:57
SPEAKER_02: Something came up for me.
19:58
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, an example from my marriage.
20:01
SPEAKER_04: I'm trying to think of the most recent one.
20:05
SPEAKER_04: Okay, so it was this summer.
20:07
SPEAKER_04: We're juggling kids homes, schedules, camps.
20:09
SPEAKER_04: It's been absolutely crazy.
20:11
SPEAKER_04: And then grief brain, as you guys know, the brain fog has been unreal.
20:15
SPEAKER_04: So I just feel like I'm just gonna get used to dropping balls in this season, asking for forgiveness.
20:21
SPEAKER_04: So there's a scheduling miscommunication between me and Sebastian, and we got in a fight over it.
20:26
SPEAKER_04: And my immediate response was just to get really quiet.
20:30
SPEAKER_04: My voice got more muted.
20:32
SPEAKER_04: It wasn't projecting vocally with confidence, it was trying to fix and reach.
20:39
SPEAKER_04: I went into this energy of I need to talk about this right now, fix this right now, help him understand where I'm coming from, over-explain.
20:48
SPEAKER_04: And so it feels like a spiral in my body.
20:51
SPEAKER_04: It feels like, okay, there, as Brene Brown calls it, is a shame storm brewing and it can feel very out of control.
20:59
SPEAKER_04: And I've been doing this work to come home to myself, ground for years now, but it's still, I'm not able to catch it immediately.
21:08
SPEAKER_04: It's not like I'm this robot, right?
21:11
SPEAKER_04: That is free of shame.
21:13
SPEAKER_04: I I catch it sooner now.
21:14
SPEAKER_04: I have tools to come back to this grounded energy.
21:17
SPEAKER_04: But I remember just trying to go into my own space because that's what I need to do when it's conflict between me and him.
21:25
SPEAKER_04: History of codependency, anxious attachment, whatever you want to call it.
21:28
SPEAKER_04: And so in those situations, stillness is my practice rather than reaching toward and just practicing my different tools.
21:35
SPEAKER_04: We can get into that.
21:36
SPEAKER_04: I know that wasn't part of the question, but that's how shame shows up.
21:39
SPEAKER_00: And it's, you know, recent example.
21:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, great.
21:43
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
21:43
SPEAKER_00: And I know, Bridge, you wanted to add something.
21:45
SPEAKER_00: So go ahead.
21:46
SPEAKER_02: Well, thank you, Julie, for re asking the question.
21:48
SPEAKER_02: Cause I think when you asked where does shame live in your body, I I sort of related to Becky of it's different.
21:53
SPEAKER_02: And then you said, How does it actually show up?
21:55
SPEAKER_02: How does the outside world see it?
21:57
SPEAKER_02: And for me, it was eye contact.
21:59
SPEAKER_02: And it It wasn't even in my marriage.
22:01
SPEAKER_02: It was actually in friendships with women.
22:03
SPEAKER_02: When I felt like when Becky, oh my gosh, when you described the incident of the birthday party just now, in that situation, I would not be able to look at that woman in the eyes.
22:11
SPEAKER_02: And my story for a really long time is I was just really immature.
22:15
SPEAKER_02: I just didn't know how to show up open hearted when I didn't feel open hearted.
22:20
SPEAKER_02: But now I know that's shame.
22:21
SPEAKER_02: That is, that is, I can't look at you.
22:23
SPEAKER_02: Don't see me.
22:24
SPEAKER_02: And so that's a big one for me.
22:26
SPEAKER_02: And that's actually how I catch it before I even notice how it feels in my in my body.
22:30
SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm almost this is shame spiral, shame storm.
22:33
SPEAKER_02: And not even paying attention to the sensations that it's like the eyes are my cue to go in, if that makes sense.
22:38
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
22:39
SPEAKER_02: But it is hard.
22:40
SPEAKER_02: It's very hard for me to look at people in the eyes when I'm vulnerable or in in my in my feels.
22:47
SPEAKER_04: And you mentioned the word intimacy, Julie.
22:49
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
22:49
SPEAKER_04: Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off, Bridget.
22:51
SPEAKER_04: But intimacy can be not just sex, but sex too, is what just popped into my mind.
22:56
SPEAKER_04: I noticed that when my eye contact feels awkward or impossible in bed, I'm like, okay, what's shame?
23:02
unknown: Yeah.
23:03
SPEAKER_04: It's coming up right now.
23:04
unknown: Yeah.
23:07
SPEAKER_01: I might not still look.
23:09
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna have to pay attention to that next time.
23:12
SPEAKER_00: No, but I think this is important information for people to know is if you know what those indicators, those key indicators are for you that shame is present, then that's when it's we're quicker to move past it than to hide those whole cry and hides.
23:28
SPEAKER_00: The minute I notice that I do that, I'm oh shoot.
23:31
SPEAKER_00: I just know.
23:32
SPEAKER_00: And the minute you realize you're not having eye contact, the minute you feel that fire in your gut, those are the indicators that tell us.
23:39
SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times our body remembers what our mind is not ready to narrate yet.
23:43
SPEAKER_00: And so I think it can be very important for us to tune into those cues.
23:47
SPEAKER_00: So thank you for sharing those.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: And Bridget, with your expertise, what does the breath reveal that the mind can keep hidden?
23:58
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
23:59
SPEAKER_02: Again, I love semantics and I love that you use the word reveal there.
24:03
SPEAKER_02: I really do, because it's important.
24:05
SPEAKER_02: It the breath doesn't create anything.
24:07
SPEAKER_02: It doesn't create clarity, it doesn't create confidence.
24:11
SPEAKER_02: It it for to me, the best analogy I've heard is it's like a broom.
24:14
SPEAKER_02: I might have even stolen this from you, Becky.
24:17
SPEAKER_02: But it comes in and it's sort of just sweep.
24:19
SPEAKER_02: And it sweeps what's not yours, it sweeps what's old, it sweeps what's the stories, the stickiness, the shame, the boxes.
24:27
SPEAKER_02: It sweeps it.
24:28
SPEAKER_02: And then there's space.
24:30
SPEAKER_02: And so I I there there, if anyone wants the science behind the breath work I teach, I'm happy to give that.
24:35
SPEAKER_02: But the more I've done this, science doesn't matter.
24:38
SPEAKER_02: I'm just going to tell you what I experience when I lead it.
24:41
SPEAKER_02: What and what I can tell you is people say that they feel something that is familiar to them that they haven't felt for a long time.
24:47
SPEAKER_02: I feel, I feel, oh, I get, I get really some of the coolest experiences are actually involving a loved one that's passed away or a loved animal, where they feel their presence or they feel peace for the first time, or they feel forgiveness, or they feel gratitude.
25:05
SPEAKER_02: And it's it's not that the breath is giving you an answer or again, creating a new experience.
25:11
SPEAKER_02: It's just getting rid of all the muck because of the length of time that we breathe, because of the whole experience that's provided.
25:18
SPEAKER_02: It it's scientifically, you do get a temporary shutdown of that prefrontal cortex, which is necessary.
25:25
SPEAKER_02: Very that.
25:27
SPEAKER_02: Right, right, please.
25:29
SPEAKER_02: Right.
25:30
SPEAKER_02: But even when that shuts down, what does the breath do?
25:33
SPEAKER_02: It just makes space.
25:35
SPEAKER_02: It makes space.
25:36
SPEAKER_02: And sometimes people will do these experiences and feel nothing but joy.
25:40
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes they'll have an incredible encounter or clarity.
25:43
SPEAKER_02: But I always tell that I'm not surprised anymore.
25:45
SPEAKER_02: I've heard just I've seen and witnessed the craziest things with this type of breath work.
25:50
SPEAKER_02: And I just I trust it.
25:51
SPEAKER_02: I trust that what's coming up has been there all along.
25:55
SPEAKER_02: That's usually what I tell someone is what's coming up for you has been there or has been wanting to get your attention in some way.
26:01
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
26:02
SPEAKER_02: Um, and your breath is just making space for it.
26:05
SPEAKER_00: It's so beautiful.
26:06
SPEAKER_00: One of the things that the phrases that I use all the time with my people with this stuff, my clients, whatever, is what arises belongs.
26:16
SPEAKER_00: That we don't have to judge it.
26:17
SPEAKER_00: We don't, we don't have to do anything with it.
26:19
SPEAKER_00: We just need to be with it.
26:21
SPEAKER_00: And I love how you describe that because I do believe the breath can do that.
26:24
SPEAKER_00: And I know from experiencing your breath work, both Becky and I have been partakers of your breath work at least four times for me, and Becky may have even more.
26:35
SPEAKER_00: But the two, there's two vivid ones that I remember.
26:38
SPEAKER_00: And I was able to release so much and felt safe to be able to stay with myself in those moments because of what it revealed.
26:49
SPEAKER_00: And so, so grateful.
26:50
SPEAKER_00: And obviously, I can go into that more at the retreat, but just so grateful for that.
26:55
SPEAKER_00: And with that, with all the things we just talked about about it being two years since we last did this, I just want to highlight that we can be genuinely grateful for how far we've come and be honest that something is still asking for our attention, that we still have areas to grow in.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: And both can be true.
27:16
SPEAKER_00: I think that's important to identify.
27:19
SPEAKER_00: But then also, those of you who are listening or watching and you noticed something in your own body as we were talking, whether it's in your chest that it tightened or your throat tightened like Becky was talking about, or even your stomach may have felt something, or you noticed yourself crouched, whatever you noticed.
27:36
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do anything with that right now.
27:38
SPEAKER_00: It's just noticing it, just being curious about it.
27:42
SPEAKER_00: That noticing is actually the beginning of the work.
27:46
SPEAKER_00: And it's beautiful.
27:47
SPEAKER_00: So no judgment allowed.
27:49
SPEAKER_00: This is no judgment zone.
27:50
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:51
SPEAKER_02: Can I say one more thing, Julie?
27:53
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
27:53
SPEAKER_02: I think is the coolest thing is people will get up and say, I noticed this.
27:56
SPEAKER_02: And they'll, you know, they'll tell me a certain body part that was really on fire.
27:59
SPEAKER_02: I've I've had women that are trying to get pregnant that will, that will feel like their womb is on fire during these sessions.
28:04
SPEAKER_02: And I used to try to go, yeah, tell me that makes sense, and help them make the connections, right?
28:10
SPEAKER_02: But the more I've gone on my journey and hate people that make connections for me, not hate people, but the more I'm just like, don't make connections for me.
28:16
SPEAKER_02: If you're robbing me of the actual point, is that when you you make that connection, right?
28:21
SPEAKER_02: Within your heart.
28:22
SPEAKER_02: So when someone tells me what they've experienced, my immediate answer really is just make room for it.
28:28
SPEAKER_02: Just acknowledge that that's what you felt, that's where you felt it, and that's enough.
28:32
SPEAKER_02: That's it.
28:33
SPEAKER_02: You don't have to trust that it's coming up because you're supposed to make this big rash decision and that's why you felt it in your head.
28:38
SPEAKER_02: That's gonna keep us in our head, and that's not fun.
28:41
SPEAKER_02: The women that have the most impact from the breath work and the women that come back are the women that say detached from the story about what the fuck was that?
28:51
SPEAKER_02: I don't know if we can cuss on your podcast, but blot that out.
28:54
SPEAKER_02: But really, you know what I mean?
28:55
SPEAKER_02: I think it's the it's the it's the coolest experience for me to witness because it's people having these crazy experiences, but no one can explain what happened or what it meant, or and but they just they trust it's the beginning of what I was describing in the beginning, the beginning of just trusting that what you feel, even though it doesn't make sense to me or anyone else, it is what I feel.
29:14
SPEAKER_02: And it it is there, and there is a heaviness there or whatever it is.
29:18
SPEAKER_04: So I just can I speak to Bridge's breath work real quick.
29:22
SPEAKER_04: So, what you were saying about the prefrontal cortex, giving it a break.
29:26
SPEAKER_04: I think so many women are wanting that.
29:28
SPEAKER_04: I'm wanting that in this season.
29:30
SPEAKER_04: Since eight months ago, my brain has been trying to make sense of this loss, and it's every single day.
29:36
SPEAKER_04: Mind is searching, reaching, trying to figure out how this is real, how this is possible.
29:41
SPEAKER_04: And my brain literally feels tired.
29:43
SPEAKER_04: I believe the body keeps the score, and this brain fog I've been experiencing is absolutely related to that trauma because the only four days that have been the most clear this month were the day right following a good old-fashioned boo-hoo cry about her, about grief.
30:00
SPEAKER_04: And so I've been saying things like I just want to break from my prefrontal cortex.
30:06
SPEAKER_04: And so I have not done breath work since losing her, and that's actually why I reached out to you, Bridget, the other day asking if you'd come back into rooturize to lead a session for my clients because I was like, I know how healing this is, and I just am ready.
30:21
SPEAKER_04: I'm at a point.
30:22
SPEAKER_04: I don't think this would have been helpful for me very soon after, but I'm so ready just to clear the muck, as you said, and like to feel clear again.
30:30
SPEAKER_04: And I've experienced so many breathwork practitioners.
30:34
SPEAKER_04: Everyone knows you're my favorite.
30:36
SPEAKER_04: Right.
30:36
SPEAKER_04: And what is so powerful for me is exactly what you just said that there's not a story I walk away with, and there's not some meaning intellectually that I walk away with.
30:47
SPEAKER_04: It's I don't know what that was, I don't know why I started crying.
30:51
SPEAKER_04: Or I don't, I don't know.
30:52
SPEAKER_04: I don't have a why, actually.
30:54
SPEAKER_04: I just know like I feel so fill in the blank, different, different words depending on the session.
31:00
SPEAKER_04: Sometimes it's like so in touch with childhood me again or so present or so safe or so unbelievably at peace.
31:09
SPEAKER_04: So lighter.
31:11
SPEAKER_04: Lighter a lot.
31:12
SPEAKER_04: So that's tomorrow, actually.
31:13
SPEAKER_04: Totally.
31:14
SPEAKER_04: She's coming in to root to rise tomorrow.
31:16
SPEAKER_04: So I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.
31:18
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
31:18
SPEAKER_02: And well, real quick, just to can I jump on that, Becky?
31:22
SPEAKER_02: The the high back to your original question of why do high functional, we're talking about high functional women.
31:27
SPEAKER_02: I am telling you, women, we have we have between the three of us, decades and decades of experience in this work.
31:34
SPEAKER_02: And I'm there besides substances, breath work and dancing are the only things, the only things.
31:42
SPEAKER_02: Breath work, dancing, and sex.
31:44
SPEAKER_02: The only things that get me out of my head completely, completely.
31:48
SPEAKER_02: Otherwise, I have moments because I have tools where I can be more present and I can hear the voice and it's getting a little quieter, right?
31:54
SPEAKER_02: But it never shuts off.
31:56
SPEAKER_02: And I was trying to explain this to my husband.
31:58
SPEAKER_02: My husband is the kind of guy when you say, What are you thinking about?
32:01
SPEAKER_02: and he says nothing, he means it.
32:03
SPEAKER_02: He has moments where there's nothing in there.
32:07
SPEAKER_02: And then what would that feel like?
32:08
SPEAKER_02: But that's how I would describe breath work, where there's moments where it's just I remember doing it one time in my master closet, and I can't even tell you what happened after, but I remember hearing almost muffled like a microphone.
32:21
SPEAKER_02: You know when a microphone is getting plugged in?
32:23
SPEAKER_02: That's what it heard, and everything just sort of tuned out.
32:26
SPEAKER_02: And even though it was an annoying noise, it was, oh my God, I can hear my heartbeat.
32:30
SPEAKER_02: I can hear my I can hear my belly growl.
32:34
SPEAKER_02: I can feel the good, right?
32:36
SPEAKER_02: That's to me what it is is it's just coming back to I I haven't found other tools besides those three.
32:44
SPEAKER_00: Well, and I think what you just said is interesting because chemicals doing plant medicine or whatever can do that, but so can breath work.
32:53
SPEAKER_00: And I have definitely felt similar.
32:55
SPEAKER_00: The the other area for me where I'm able to be mindless is when I do yoga, surprisingly.
33:01
SPEAKER_00: For some reason, because I'm so focused on the moves and wanting to hold them, I have found that I'm able to empty my brain during yoga, and that's one of the things that we will have available at our retreat is a couple of yoga sessions.
33:14
SPEAKER_00: So that's gonna be amazing.
33:15
SPEAKER_00: We'll also have breath work.
33:16
SPEAKER_00: So just so grateful for these things that we're going to offer these wonderful women.
33:22
SPEAKER_00: So I want to ask a question, and whichever one of you wants to respond right away is fine.
33:29
SPEAKER_00: But what happens in a room of women that can't happen on Zoom or when you're writing in a journal, but when we're in person?
33:38
SPEAKER_04: The first thing that comes to mind is just how relationally starved our generation is.
33:44
SPEAKER_04: Esther Perel wrote a book, Mating in Captivity, and she just talks about our day and age, this being such an unbelievable epidemic of isolation and disconnection.
33:56
SPEAKER_04: And I, when COVID happened, I was all for that.
33:59
SPEAKER_04: I was like, yes, the introvert side of me was like, I want to see people until it reached an expiration date.
34:05
SPEAKER_04: And I was like, wow, I'm really craving human contact and a hug.
34:09
SPEAKER_04: And so I never thought I'd say that and see the day.
34:13
SPEAKER_04: I thought I was gonna be yes, introvert for life, but I'd say I'm an ambivert now.
34:17
SPEAKER_04: There's just nothing that rivals in-person, tactile hug, touch, connection, presence, feeling each other's energy.
34:27
SPEAKER_04: Only so much can be felt through a Zoom room.
34:30
SPEAKER_04: But anyone that's ever experienced an in-person, whether it's a one-day connection with women or a retreat like the one that we're hosting, you walk away feeling so alive.
34:41
SPEAKER_04: This is how life should be.
34:42
SPEAKER_04: Why don't I do this more?
34:44
SPEAKER_04: This filled my mind, body, heart, and soul.
34:47
SPEAKER_04: And it's co-regulation on steroids because you're really in each other's energy.
34:53
SPEAKER_00: Which is exactly what I was gonna say is that the nervous system co-regulates when we're in the presence of each other.
34:59
SPEAKER_00: We learn safety with each other, not just within ourselves.
35:04
SPEAKER_00: And Bridget, this is where I think a lot of your expertise is, is that sacred sisterhood.
35:11
SPEAKER_00: You've been really wounded in sisterhood relationships in the past.
35:15
SPEAKER_00: And there's a difference between that sacred sisterhood, which by the way, I would say the three of us have just saying versus a surface-level friendship.
35:25
SPEAKER_00: So what's the difference?
35:27
SPEAKER_00: And why do so many of us ever have actually experienced what the former is, that sacred sister?
35:36
SPEAKER_02: Why women haven't experienced that?
35:39
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
35:39
SPEAKER_00: Why, why have they not been able to experience a sacred sisterhood?
35:44
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
35:45
SPEAKER_02: There we go.
35:46
SPEAKER_02: I mean, shame, right?
35:47
SPEAKER_02: But I love Becky, your definition.
35:48
SPEAKER_02: Maybe you can say it again, but that that's separation, right?
35:51
SPEAKER_02: Anything that severs, say it again.
35:53
SPEAKER_02: The definition of separation.
35:54
SPEAKER_00: Severed sense of love and belonging is what she usually says.
35:56
SPEAKER_00: Sorry, I know it, I hear it all the time.
35:58
SPEAKER_02: Well, but it's true.
35:59
SPEAKER_02: It's true.
36:00
SPEAKER_02: It's any, that's how I've actually identified shame for me and my story.
36:03
SPEAKER_02: Because, like we've all said, sometimes we're in shame and we don't know it.
36:06
SPEAKER_02: Any story that pops up, any or any feeling that pops up that wants that separates me, and not like Becky described, I need stillness instead of reaching, right?
36:16
SPEAKER_02: That's a therapeutic skill that she's working on and strengthening the capacity for stillness.
36:20
SPEAKER_02: But I'm talking a hiding, hiding.
36:23
SPEAKER_02: And we all know what that feels like.
36:24
SPEAKER_02: We all know when you I mean, even the most I actually did this to a friend the other day in a grocery store, and it's the most awkward thing, even as a coach, when they're like, How are you?
36:34
SPEAKER_02: And I took a breath and I'm like, I'm actually kind of in it.
36:38
SPEAKER_02: And and we had a conversation, and I was, I can't believe I just did that in giant.
36:42
SPEAKER_02: Why did I do that?
36:44
SPEAKER_02: Um, but it was what was true for me, and I left that, yeah, Becky, just feeling there's something about for me, specifically with shame, it's the eye contact.
36:53
SPEAKER_02: I can I feel safe talking about this and doing eye contact with you guys on there's something about that protection of that screen.
36:59
SPEAKER_02: But in person, and especially when we do some of the activities, I'm thinking specifically of the one Becky, you led on day one.
37:06
SPEAKER_02: I hope you know what I'm talking about.
37:08
SPEAKER_02: For me, it was an incredible moment of keep my eyes open, keep my eyes open, look at their eyes, receive their love or receive their judgment, whatever it is, but receive it, and then I get to decide what stays and what goes.
37:22
SPEAKER_02: And I don't have to carry that.
37:24
SPEAKER_04: I will never forget witnessing you in that moment.
37:26
SPEAKER_04: You just gave me a flashback, but your courage in that moment, I saw the shaking, the trembling, the absolute bravery to maintain eye contact.
37:37
SPEAKER_04: It seems so small, and it's not, it's exactly where shame loves to pull back and exactly where it can be dissolved.
37:45
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
37:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and exactly very much.
37:48
SPEAKER_02: But yeah, why was go ahead, Bridge?
37:50
SPEAKER_02: Go ahead.
37:50
SPEAKER_02: No, no, I just I think I just love I love everything you guys are saying.
37:54
SPEAKER_02: We are the generation of we we are seeking deep connection, but it's harder than ever.
38:00
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I see all these, I'm in the era now of sports season and sport moms and these moms just having these surface conversations.
38:05
SPEAKER_02: Oh, are you good?
38:06
SPEAKER_02: You're good scheduling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:07
SPEAKER_02: Or they're complaining.
38:08
SPEAKER_02: And I'm just, it doesn't fill me up.
38:10
SPEAKER_02: It makes me want to scream inside.
38:12
SPEAKER_02: Like, where's the mom that's struggling?
38:15
SPEAKER_02: Put your hand up and I'll come sit with you.
38:18
SPEAKER_02: There is something, yeah, vulnerability.
38:20
SPEAKER_02: It's just a quick, a quick.
38:22
SPEAKER_02: I mean, some of the women at the retreat I haven't seen since the retreat, right?
38:26
SPEAKER_02: Some of them are lifelong, there's lifelong friends and lifelong relationships, but that doesn't matter.
38:30
SPEAKER_02: It's the moment and the experience of having another woman that because my husband, he just doesn't get it.
38:36
SPEAKER_02: He just doesn't.
38:37
SPEAKER_02: They're just not gonna always get what it's like to be a woman in today's society having to be on your.
38:42
SPEAKER_02: I can't do my favorite thing in the world, which is to walk in the woods without mace, right?
38:47
SPEAKER_02: Just that little naive story is that's what women carry all the time, where you're walking, even if you're in a safe relationship, even if you're in a safe place, there's a level of armor around all of us.
38:57
SPEAKER_02: And I think having another woman that also has that armor, go, I see you and I see through that armor is and I mean, just see the women touching your shoulder or there's just something special about it.
39:09
SPEAKER_02: And I haven't felt anything like it since that retreat, honestly.
39:13
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
39:13
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
39:14
SPEAKER_00: For a few different reasons.
39:14
SPEAKER_00: It was it was amazing.
39:16
SPEAKER_00: And I I think with that, on the heels of what you just said, I'd love for each of us to share, if possible, a moment from the retreat two years ago where we watched something shift in a woman simply because they were being witnessed.
39:31
SPEAKER_00: Just like we talked about a second ago with you, Bridget, in that moment where you kept your eyes open.
39:36
SPEAKER_00: Do you have a memory?
39:38
SPEAKER_00: There's one that's coming to my mind right away.
39:40
SPEAKER_00: Um, and me too, and it's about you.
39:43
SPEAKER_00: That's so funny.
39:44
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
39:44
SPEAKER_00: Well, I'll go last, but uh go ahead, Bridget.
39:47
SPEAKER_00: Go ahead and share it.
39:48
SPEAKER_00: Bridge.
39:49
SPEAKER_02: First of all, I'm like the kid at school that I have to sit on my hands or I'm gonna talk or interject.
39:55
SPEAKER_02: But uh Julie, I it's it was a very personal, intimate moment with you after breath's work.
40:00
SPEAKER_02: You and Kate, I believe.
40:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it was.
40:03
SPEAKER_02: So I don't necessarily I don't want to necessarily share the moment.
40:06
SPEAKER_02: Share it?
40:07
SPEAKER_02: Share it.
40:07
SPEAKER_02: Okay, totally.
40:08
SPEAKER_02: It was one of it was freaking one of the funniest experiences I've ever had witnessing it because I didn't know what was going on.
40:16
SPEAKER_02: And then once I learned the truth of it, I mean, you just don't, you never know what someone's walking through.
40:21
SPEAKER_02: But after the breath work, sometimes you can sort of get catatonic or crampy.
40:25
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
40:25
SPEAKER_02: So Julie was very much in a fetal position.
40:28
SPEAKER_02: And I know in those sessions to just let your body and breath work it out.
40:33
SPEAKER_02: And but I don't know if you asked or if it was just I think it was just sensed.
40:37
SPEAKER_02: I don't even want to say your name, but I'm gonna laugh.
40:40
SPEAKER_02: Okay, you asked.
40:40
SPEAKER_02: That's what it was.
40:41
SPEAKER_02: You said, Yeah, you said, can someone hold me?
40:44
SPEAKER_02: And I don't say funny in a mean way at all.
40:47
SPEAKER_02: I was just watching after this very vulnerable.
40:50
SPEAKER_02: I remember being like, oh my gosh.
40:53
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I wasn't laughing in judgment.
40:54
SPEAKER_02: I wasn't, but it it wasn't, I had never seen two grown women laying there, and she held you.
41:00
SPEAKER_02: And what you explained after was it felt like a baby.
41:03
SPEAKER_02: It felt like you being the baby and being an I mean, I just can still I actually still share that in breathwork sessions that that was one of a really cool encounter that I witnessed, had no freaking clue what was going on, but trusted it.
41:17
SPEAKER_02: And look, she they need, do they need a private room?
41:19
SPEAKER_02: What's going on?
41:20
SPEAKER_02: And then later, when you were able to share what that felt like, oh, it was I was so proud of y'all.
41:27
SPEAKER_02: I was so proud of you because not only I was so proud of you for asking for that, because from the outside looking in, that brought up a lot of shame and embarrassment.
41:35
SPEAKER_02: On I was, I could never do that.
41:37
SPEAKER_02: Um, and to ask for that in the mo in it's the heart, it's it's really hard to ask for help.
41:41
SPEAKER_02: It's really hard to ask for help when you're physically in it and emotionally in it.
41:46
SPEAKER_02: And yes, that was just a very cool.
41:48
SPEAKER_00: Well, and I think that's just a testament to the work that I had done with Becky in her program and how I was able to see that I needed to ask for help in that moment.
41:59
SPEAKER_00: And actually, what's interesting is my person that I watched is who you just mentioned, watching her go through, and and Becky may fully remember this, but when I did my workshop, there was we had a lot of people originally that came through at Becky's Rich Rise program that were neurodivergent, but we didn't know.
42:21
SPEAKER_00: And as we started recognizing that they needed different care, it wasn't the same.
42:28
SPEAKER_00: It was so interesting that night to watch that happening with two specific members as they were having a hard time processing what I was asking them for.
42:37
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you guys remember that.
42:39
SPEAKER_00: And we had to give space for that and be like, it's okay, there's no judgment.
42:43
SPEAKER_00: Take the time that you need.
42:44
SPEAKER_00: But there was that immediate, you could see it.
42:47
SPEAKER_00: They got tense, they were tightening up, they were feeling ashamed that they needed to take time.
42:53
SPEAKER_00: And the beauty of that was we gave them that.
42:56
SPEAKER_00: It wasn't like we were making them feel horrible that they were there, but it was a really good learning experience for me because it helped me understand I need to think through this stuff with who my audience is going to be before we do these things to make sure I'm providing an invitational safe place for them to be.
43:13
SPEAKER_00: So watching that happen.
43:15
SPEAKER_00: And then when we announced that night, this one individual that we were going to do silent, she lost her ever-loving mind and was like, No, I don't want to do this.
43:30
SPEAKER_00: She was not happy about it.
43:31
SPEAKER_00: And I remember that the conversion I saw with Becky with this whole thing.
43:37
SPEAKER_00: Do you remember, Bex?
43:38
SPEAKER_00: And I don't know if you want to speak to that, because I think you were feeling stuff in the mix.
43:41
SPEAKER_04: I was so triggered that I made somebody unhappy, and my pleaser was screaming, we're gonna die.
43:47
SPEAKER_04: One of these retreat guests attendees is not happy, but you triggered her wound of being silenced for so long.
43:54
SPEAKER_04: Or not you.
43:55
SPEAKER_04: We triggered her wound of being silenced for so long, which is exactly what.
44:00
SPEAKER_04: The healing can take place.
44:01
SPEAKER_04: This is different.
44:02
SPEAKER_04: We're not silencing you, we're inviting you to participate in silence, and silence can actually be safe.
44:08
SPEAKER_04: It doesn't have to be closing you you up.
44:12
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
44:14
SPEAKER_00: I think it's interesting too because Becky and I we we talked about this soon after, and Bridget witnessed this.
44:21
SPEAKER_00: But I think a a shift for Becky and I was we had our first rupture at this retreat.
44:27
SPEAKER_00: And we dealt with it right.
44:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, our first fight.
44:32
SPEAKER_00: And it was during silence.
44:34
SPEAKER_00: So it wasn't like we can do anything.
44:36
SPEAKER_00: And so we had to go outside and deal with it.
44:38
SPEAKER_00: And it at the end, Bridget was like, that was so cool to witness.
44:42
SPEAKER_00: It was just the the whole experience.
44:45
SPEAKER_00: I think it really all that we just described is exactly why we want to build and built this, is because we want people to be able to be who they authentically are and accepted there and witnessed there.
44:59
SPEAKER_00: So I don't know if you guys want to add anything else.
45:01
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, quick one that came to mind for me was Beverly when after Bridget's breath work session, she was, oh man, all I wanted to do after that was play.
45:10
SPEAKER_04: I had this big strong urge to just get up and play tag.
45:16
SPEAKER_04: And I didn't do it, and I wish I had.
45:19
SPEAKER_04: And so I pocketed that and let me hold on to that.
45:22
SPEAKER_04: And later on the very last day of the retreat, we had the fancy formal dinner, and everyone was dressed up.
45:29
SPEAKER_04: And right after dinner was over, I run up to her and I aggressively slam her with my hand.
45:37
SPEAKER_04: I'm like, tag, you're it! And her whole being lit up.
45:42
SPEAKER_04: And she was, oh, and she's 60 years old, but she's so in shape.
45:46
SPEAKER_04: So she starts chasing me, and then it just created this giant game of tag.
45:50
SPEAKER_04: And that was my favorite part of the retreat.
45:53
SPEAKER_04: But I think for her, it was so powerful.
45:56
SPEAKER_04: The original question was, what did you see shift when somebody was witnessed?
46:01
SPEAKER_04: She felt, whoa, somebody really saw me.
46:04
SPEAKER_04: And they heard what I said from a day ago and they remembered that.
46:08
SPEAKER_04: And they came and sought me out and found me.
46:11
SPEAKER_04: And they brought this vision to life that I wasn't comfortable enough doing on my own.
46:16
SPEAKER_04: And so to this day, she will share that.
46:20
SPEAKER_04: That was the best part of the retreat.
46:22
SPEAKER_04: For her, it brought her child like self back after years of betrayal trauma and feeling very angry and serious.
46:28
SPEAKER_04: And you guys remember, even during the art therapy session, she got so mad.
46:33
SPEAKER_04: She's like, I can't tap into this creative side.
46:35
SPEAKER_04: Like there's just so much restriction in her body.
46:39
SPEAKER_04: And so for her to be squealing, running, and laughing by the end, it's just she that's her life now.
46:45
SPEAKER_04: Her life is playful.
46:46
SPEAKER_04: Her and her husband go on runs together and laugh, and she's reclaimed that childlike essence in her 60s.
46:54
SPEAKER_00: She totally has.
46:55
SPEAKER_00: She'll post pictures on Instagram where it's her and her husband on the beach and multiple times.
47:01
SPEAKER_00: They've just had their time together.
47:02
SPEAKER_00: She's it's just it's the coolest thing.
47:05
SPEAKER_00: So I want to shift into talking about the retreat itself.
47:09
SPEAKER_00: We are going, it's called Wild and Rooted.
47:11
SPEAKER_00: If you guys have not heard the title, we love the title.
47:14
SPEAKER_00: And it's going to be November 6th through 8th this year in, like we said, the Eastern Shore of Delaware, up to 11 women are who are able to come.
47:25
SPEAKER_00: Right now we're over halfway there.
47:28
SPEAKER_00: We are going to have trauma release breath work, like I just talked about with Bridget.
47:32
SPEAKER_00: We're going to have the relational nonverbal lens with Becky and then the deeper identity and shame dissolving work with me.
47:38
SPEAKER_00: We're going to do a lot of different things, art therapy, yoga on the water.
47:43
SPEAKER_00: We're going to have at-home massages, I believe.
47:45
SPEAKER_00: And we're working on the whole private chef situation.
47:49
SPEAKER_00: Not sure what that's going to look like.
47:51
SPEAKER_00: We had somebody and she decided to get pregnant.
47:54
SPEAKER_00: So we uh we are going to have to figure that piece out.
47:58
SPEAKER_00: But it's basically this space for those of you who choose to attend to come and be completely and utterly pampered.
48:06
SPEAKER_00: That's really what we do.
48:07
SPEAKER_00: You walk in the door and you're going to feel so welcome.
48:10
SPEAKER_00: So the support that we are offering is there's an intention setting call beforehand that we all meet together and get to know each other.
48:19
SPEAKER_00: We have a WhatsApp community ahead of time that's already active.
48:23
SPEAKER_00: We have an integration call and then 90 days of community after.
48:28
SPEAKER_00: And then I think we even will do a follow-up call, didn't we?
48:30
SPEAKER_00: Last time, Daddy.
48:32
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
48:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
48:33
SPEAKER_00: So we'll do that.
48:35
SPEAKER_00: And what I would say, and I would love for you guys to add whatever else you want to add, is that I want to let y'all know who it's for.
48:42
SPEAKER_00: It's for the woman who's already done a lot of the work and wants deeper layers of work.
48:48
SPEAKER_00: And that's what this retreat will bring.
48:51
SPEAKER_04: Any thoughts you guys want to add?
48:53
SPEAKER_04: Only thing I'll add is yeah, we have so much planned and we're organized and structured, but the coolest part is how the unplanned always happens and God shows up and things you couldn't even try to plan.
49:05
SPEAKER_04: Last time the northern lights decided to appear in the sky.
49:08
SPEAKER_04: And we all sort of pulled, ran to the beach, got some of the illist pictures.
49:13
SPEAKER_04: I haven't said illist since high school.
49:16
SPEAKER_04: So that's part of the magic is creating room for the unplanned to happen.
49:21
SPEAKER_04: We loved that too.
49:23
SPEAKER_02: That was so fun, right?
49:24
SPEAKER_02: The whole thing was fun.
49:26
SPEAKER_02: The other unplanned moment that you can do a whole podcast on the adoptee trifecta that ended up all sitting your feet.
49:33
SPEAKER_02: And so that was another god moment.
49:35
SPEAKER_02: I know.
49:36
SPEAKER_02: Totally forgot about that.
49:37
SPEAKER_00: I tell that story all the time.
49:39
SPEAKER_00: There was Earth Mother, an adoptive mother, and me.
49:42
SPEAKER_00: I totally forgot about that.
49:44
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
49:45
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
49:45
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, y'all had your own healing moment.
49:47
SPEAKER_04: That was wild.
49:48
SPEAKER_04: We all just sat back in awe.
49:50
SPEAKER_04: Mal was hanging open at the dinner table.
49:52
SPEAKER_04: What is happening right now?
49:54
SPEAKER_02: No, I was there.
49:55
SPEAKER_02: I was in between them.
49:56
SPEAKER_01: I was loving me here right now, but I am loving this feeling.
50:02
SPEAKER_01: Bridget, the whole retreat.
50:03
SPEAKER_01: Should these ladies get a private room?
50:05
SPEAKER_01: Am I interfering?
50:08
SPEAKER_02: I'm here for all of it.
50:09
SPEAKER_02: That is the one thing you can assure if you come to the retreat.
50:12
SPEAKER_02: I think between us all, there's nothing a woman could tell me that she's experiencing or feeling that would shock me.
50:19
SPEAKER_02: I mean, it really wouldn't.
50:21
SPEAKER_02: And I get excited about that part of, like you said, yeah, women feeling seen for the first time.
50:27
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
50:28
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
50:28
SPEAKER_02: There's just there's a lot.
50:29
SPEAKER_02: I I the one thing I would love to say, Julie, before we go is that if you guys are hearing, I know Julie's got an adoptive story.
50:35
SPEAKER_02: I sort of talked about my marriage and sobriety a little bit.
50:38
SPEAKER_02: And um Becky talked about our marriage.
50:40
SPEAKER_02: And one thing that I have done to myself over and over again is if I don't specifically every little thread matches and I fit in that box or that story, right?
50:49
SPEAKER_02: Then I I I override what I know I'm feeling.
50:53
SPEAKER_02: So if you're listening to this and you feel an ounce of excitement or oh my gosh, this is it.
50:59
SPEAKER_02: But then your head goes, but I don't really relate to that person or I'm too old or I'm too young.
51:03
SPEAKER_02: We had a wide range.
51:06
SPEAKER_02: And I'm just I'm leaning into over and over and over again.
51:09
SPEAKER_02: Women don't need to consume more.
51:11
SPEAKER_02: We need to experience more.
51:13
SPEAKER_02: We need to experience more.
51:14
SPEAKER_02: We need to have experiences that move us again and that rock us and crack our hearts wide open.
51:19
SPEAKER_02: And we need to be seen in it.
51:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
51:21
SPEAKER_02: And so I'm really excited to do this again with you ladies.
51:24
SPEAKER_02: And whoever's going to be there.
51:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
51:26
SPEAKER_00: Well, and I think you just spoke to something that's really important is we're all in completely different phases of life.
51:31
SPEAKER_00: I am no longer married.
51:33
SPEAKER_00: I've been divorced for two and a half years, a little bit more than two and a half years.
51:36
SPEAKER_00: I'm single for the first time in after a 28-year marriage.
51:40
SPEAKER_00: You've got two women that are married who've both had issues, different variation of parenting.
51:46
SPEAKER_00: I have adult children.
51:47
SPEAKER_00: Bridget, I think, has an adult child and then children in the home.
51:51
SPEAKER_00: And Becky has younger children.
51:52
SPEAKER_00: I mean, y'all, we have every stage, well, close to every stage of life.
51:56
SPEAKER_00: We're not in our 70s or 80s yet, but we have a lot in each of our lives that we hold and the experiences.
52:04
SPEAKER_00: So if your body is leaning in just by anything that you've heard and anything that we've described, it's worth listening to.
52:11
SPEAKER_00: Don't ignore it.
52:12
SPEAKER_00: Just be curious about it for sure.
52:14
SPEAKER_00: So so, so grateful that we have had this time together.
52:18
SPEAKER_00: So, with that, I would love to just say thank you to you two.
52:23
SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for spending time with me.
52:26
SPEAKER_00: And I look forward so much to what this retreat will bring.
52:30
SPEAKER_00: Thank you, listeners and viewers, for spending time with us today.
52:33
SPEAKER_00: If anything in this conversation stirred something in you, a tightness, a longing, an exhale you didn't know that you were waiting for, I want you to know that what arises belongs.
52:44
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to force anything.
52:46
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to figure it out today.
52:48
SPEAKER_00: And if your body leaned in, when we talked about wild and rooted, we want to personally invite you to come sit with us in November.
52:56
SPEAKER_00: Everything you need, the details, the rooms, the dates will be in the show notes, in the link that I provide.
53:02
SPEAKER_00: And if you have questions, you can email me directly and I will make sure to put both Bridget and Becky's information in there.
53:09
SPEAKER_00: And I want you to know that we do read our messages.
53:12
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
53:12
SPEAKER_00: Becky and Bridget, thank you so much for who you are and for how you show up.
53:17
SPEAKER_00: And I can't wait for November.
53:20
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be a great time.
53:22
SPEAKER_00: Love you, Julie.
53:22
SPEAKER_00: Can't wait.
53:23
SPEAKER_02: Julie, thank you.
53:24
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, thank you for having us.
53:25
SPEAKER_02: And thank you, girls, for going on this journey with me again.
53:28
SPEAKER_02: I'm excited.
53:29
SPEAKER_00: I'm so excited.
53:30
SPEAKER_00: And to everyone listening or watching, belonging was never something you had to earn out there.
53:35
SPEAKER_00: It begins within.
53:36
SPEAKER_00: And until next Thursday, keep coming home to yourself.
53:39
SPEAKER_00: Talk to y'all soon.