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Mental Health & Trauma · Trauma Free Relationship

0:00
Welcome back to trauma free relationship.
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Today, we're diving into a topic that touches so many of us more
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deeply than we may realize, and that is how does our relational
0:12
or attachment trauma shape our mental health as adults?
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By the end of this episode, you're going to understand just
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that. How does our past trauma shape
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our mental health as adults in terms of our emotional,
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relational, cognitive and our mind body connection?
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And what are some practical steps to help improve your
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mental health, whether you're directly working on your trauma
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or not? Because the truth is, complex
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trauma, relational attachment trauma, it's not just about what
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happened, it's also about what didn't happen.
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The absence of safety, attunement and repair that are
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missing that impacts our mental health so much.
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Welcome to trauma free relationship.
1:01
I'm your host, Tom Philp and I've been working for years with
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adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
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trust in themselves and others so that they can experience a
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safe and secure relationship. Let's get started.
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OK, as I mentioned in the opening, this podcast is related
1:31
to global mental health, meaning our mental health overall and
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the impact that trauma has on that.
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So without boring you too much, hang with me.
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I promise we'll get to more interesting information, but I
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want to just throw out a few statistics that I find quite
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staggering. O First of all, 70 of adults in
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EU have experienced at least one traumatic event in their
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lifetime and childhood adolescent trauma, meaning that
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one source reports that at least 60% percent of adults suffered
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abuse and or experience other types of family difficulties in
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childhood. So of that 70 percent, 60% of
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them, it was childhood trauma. That's really a vast number.
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And when we start talking about general populations, those are
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quite staggering statistics. When you also consider that if
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the people that that suffered trauma in their childhood or
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even adolescence or early adulthood years, when they show
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up in a clinic, then those rates are even higher, meaning that
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those who actually seek help, we see much higher rates than that
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as well. Sometimes we can skew the data
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so it feels like everybody's got trauma.
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That's not necessarily true as conditions.
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We have to keep that in context, but we know that a significant
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portion of the US population has suffered at least one traumatic
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event, and trauma is linked not just to mental health disorders
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but also to relational, developmental as well as
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physical health. So exposure to trauma increases
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the likelihood of chronic health problems and other health
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burdens. So we see trauma manifest itself
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in physical symptoms and in our physical health as well.
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In children. Exposure to multiple adverse
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experiences, and we'll talk more about that here in just a
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minute, are linked to poor outcomes, meaning behavioral,
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academic as well as emotional outcomes.
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And I would definitely say that's true with children.
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Children do not have the capacity to be able to say, hey,
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my home life is not safe. What they do is they act out in
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other ways. They they lash out at others,
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they become angry, they become defiant.
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They have other ways of expressing through their
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behavior that something may not be working in their their world
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and with relational settings. SO1 provider sites that 80% of
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patients in community mental health clinics have experienced
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at least one serious trauma and show symptoms consistent with
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relational trauma. So when we talked about trauma,
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we talked about big T trauma and little T trauma.
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Big tree trauma is usually like one time trauma where let's say
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you get into a car accident and absolutely that can be
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traumatizing without question, but usually that's a one event
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trauma. When we talk about little T
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trauma, what we're usually talking about is relational or
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interpersonal type trauma, attachment trauma, trauma that
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happens repeatedly, usually with those that were closest to
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mother, father, grandmother, aunt, uncle, somebody along
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those lines. And it usually doesn't just
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happen once. It's a repetition of the trauma.
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And that trauma could be neglect.
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My parents just ignored me. It was like I was invisible in
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the house on one-on-one side of the spectrum all the way up to
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clearly physical, mental or sexual abuse that may be
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happening. There's one study I want to
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highlight in particular today because it is just so astounding
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when this happened. And and that is the study that
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came out of Kaiser Permanente, which is a hospital in
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California in the 1990s. And this was a study by the CDC
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and it was on adverse childhood experiences.
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We call it the ACE study, Adverse Childhood Experiences,
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and it's a landmark research project that was examining how
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negative experiences in childhood affect long term
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health and well-being. So here's just some of the key
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points of that. First of all, the study surveyed
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over 17,000 adults, not children.
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These were adults they surveyed and they asked 10 different
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types of adverse experiences before the age of 18 that were
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grouped into three different categories.
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Abuse meaning emotional, physical, or sexual.
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Neglect meaning emotional or physical or general household
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dysfunction, meaning parents separated or divorced.
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There was domestic violence that may or may not have been
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witnessed or heard. Substance abuse by a parent,
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Mental illness by a parent or one parent incarcerated during
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the previous years Zero to 18. The The findings of this were
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astounding, and that is that about 2/3 of participants
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reported at least one ACE score, meaning they had at least one of
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the the ten types of adverse experiences that were listed
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there. The higher the ACE score,
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meaning of people had 2-3 or four, the greater the risk these
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adults were for negative outcomes, including chronic
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health problems such as heart disease, diabetes, or cancer.
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I'm not saying that trauma causes cancer, please don't
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mishear that. It's just showing that there's a
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correlation between these higher health problems, certainly a
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correlation between higher mental health issues such as
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depression, anxiety, or suicide, and of course, higher risk for
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substance abuse, risky behaviors, or relationship
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difficulties. So this was a landmark study
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when it came out and it really showed us that trauma impacts
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our general mental health in a variety of ways, in our physical
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being, in our body, certainly with our mental health, our
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cognitive dysfunctions may show up in that as well as our and
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certainly most in our emotional health as well.
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So that was a groundbreaking study and it really helped
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solidify, you know, how how prevalent trauma can be in, in
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our childhood. And again, by childhood, I'm
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talking about zero to 18 years here.
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So it doesn't have to be 0 to two years like some attachment
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trauma is your relational trauma can certainly be after that, you
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know, from three years to 18, it can happen in teenage years, so
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on and so forth. So it doesn't always happen,
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have to happen in our pre verbal years, pre verbal being zero to
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18 or 0 to 24 years, somewhere around that.
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So you know this, this is way more prevalent than people
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thought. And what's important to know is
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the study of 17,000 people, these were they were not asking
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the survey participants who were of lower income.
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These were middle income people. So clearly people that were able
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to some degree transcend their trauma and become educated in
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some ways, become competent adults in some ways, had
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families of their own in many ways.
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And so, you know, these were your sort of average income type
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families. And yet they all, not all,
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excuse me and let a significant portion had some type of adverse
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childhood experience. At least one 2/3 of them did
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prior to the age of 18. So pretty groundbreaking for
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those of us who study and work with trauma.
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So the question becomes, how does trauma impact our our
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mental health? Well, let's go through these
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four different categories and you can kind of just keep a
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running list in your mind. You don't have to say this out
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loud, You don't have to validate this to yourself yet, but just
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kind of keep a running list. Like, OK, yeah, I I might
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struggle with that, or no, that's not me.
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I don't, I don't have that issue.
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So let's talk about the emotional effects first.
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Some of the emotional effects of trauma and how they affect our
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general mental health show up in chronic anxiety.
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So a lot of people have very severe anxiety.
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This could be anything from generalized anxiety disorder
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where it's sort of always there in the background of their life
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all the way up to a panic attacks that they could be
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struggling with. So there's a broad spectrum
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there of what anxiety looks like in the life of the individual,
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and it can be on on one side of the spectrum or the other.
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Certainly to brush depression can be the same.
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So people can really struggle with depression.
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And again, it can be something that is cyclical.
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It can show up sort of at certain seasons of their life.
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If they're having some really difficult challenges in their
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relationships or in their work life or something like that,
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then it can kind of come on. Or it can just be something
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that's sort of always there in the background that they have to
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learn to manage and deal with. One of the things that I think
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trauma survivors struggle with the most, and that is a
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pervasive sense of shame. And that is the sense that
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somehow they're flawed, they're broken, or they're defective in
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some way. And that's a little bit
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different than saying low self esteem.
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Shame can can be so pervasive that it makes you want to hide
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from the world and makes you want to hide from yourself at
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times. It could show up in suicide
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ideation for sure at times. And so shame can be sort of this
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chronic symptom that somebody's constantly having to battle and
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struggle against. Will I ever feel worthy?
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Will I ever feel a sense of, of self compassion, even pride in
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in the fact that I am alive and that I am a living, breathing
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human being? And because of that, I am
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valuable. And then another emotional
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effect of that can be emotional numbness, where people often
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struggle with just sort of engaging and living in the world
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and engaging with the world only through their intellect.
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So they completely sort of cut themselves off emotionally.
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They don't register any emotions in and through their body when
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they feel them. They can't pick up any signals
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that their emotions are trying to tell them in their body.
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And as a result, everything is just filtered through their head
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and they're emotionally numb, which means that they're missing
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extremely vital information that their emotions are providing
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them about their existence. All right, so that's the
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emotional effects. What about the relational
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effects? Will certainly we could see fear
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of intimacy with people. We know that if you have trauma,
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you can sort of be more of the avoidance style of attachment.
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And so you're more of an island unto yourself.
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You very much value your independence, your own autonomy.
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And it's not even just you value that, but you shy away from or
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perhaps sabotage any attempt at intimacy or closeness with
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others because that's actually something that's dangerous or
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scary. The way that that you have
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learned to deal with your trauma mistrust you.
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Here at the opening of my show, right?
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I, I, I talk about, you know, adults who dealing with
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relational trauma and help them gain trust in themselves and
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others. Because one thing trauma does is
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it really breaks down miss, it breaks down our sense of being
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able to trust others and ourselves.
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It creates mistrust. And so being able to reach out
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to others, trust others enough to have them show up for you
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when needed, and trusting yourself to be able to show up
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in a vulnerable way is part of how we rebuild trust after
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trauma. And then certainly we could talk
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about over functioning or withdrawal in relationships as
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well. So some some people become
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perfectionistic, their lives become about control because
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they weren't able to control what was happening to them when
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they were young. And so now as a result, they try
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to control everything around them and so they can take on
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these perfectionistic tendencies.
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Sometimes it might even look like obsessive compulsive
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disorder, something along those lines, which is part of the
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anxiety disorder classification if you didn't know that it is.
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And so anxiety can also show up as sort of OCD type symptoms,
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but certainly over functioning can be part of that or people
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can just simply withdraw and relationships as well.
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So what about the cognitive effects?
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We'll certainly carrying around negative core beliefs is part of
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the impact of trauma on our more global mental health.
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Negative core beliefs, like I'm not safe, I'm unlovable, people
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always leave me. These are beliefs that are so
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embedded in us that it's actually sort of the way we see
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ourselves and we don't even question it.
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It's sometimes we take on these beliefs and it becomes such a
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part of us that we just sort of shrug and say, well, that's just
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the way I am. I've always been that way and it
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and it always just sort of sends a pain through my heart when I
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hear that. Because what that means to me is
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I've so identified with this core belief that they don't have
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any distance from it. They can't step back and go,
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wow, that's, that's sad for me to actually believe that about
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myself or wow, that's not the way I was prior to my trauma.
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It was my trauma that created that in me.
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And so having some sense of a core belief that tends to be
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very negative. And by the way, when that's the
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case, often times what happens is without us knowing it, it can
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drive our interpersonal behaviors so that it becomes a
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self fulfilling prophecy. If people always leave, then we
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must act in ways to prepare ourselves for them leaving.
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And how can we be open hearted? How can we be vulnerable?
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How can we step into and deepen our bond with somebody else if
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we're always waiting for that shoe to drop?
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And so we it actually becomes a self fulfilling prophecy at
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times with these negative beliefs.
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And finally, what about our mind body connection?
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Well, as I mentioned before, trauma can absolutely show up in
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physical symptoms. So we can have somatic symptoms,
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we can have tension, fatigue, digestive issues, headaches, all
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the way to disassociation. And so people that have been
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struggling for years, sometimes once they learn to resolve some
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of their trauma, once they learn to really be able to repair that
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internal split in them that was created by the trauma, then
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oftentimes these physical symptoms can dissipate.
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Sometimes they can go away completely, but sometimes they
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they just even receive themselves and get much better,
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like chronic fatigue. All of a sudden, if somebody
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resolves their trauma, then all of a sudden part of what they
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can feel is more alive. They feel more alive in their
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body, they feel more alive in the world, and as a result, they
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have more energy. And it's not uncommon to see
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that when you have people that begin working on their trauma
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and begin resolving some of these issues.
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OK, with that being said, what are some things that you can do
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to improve your overall mental health, Whether you're working
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directly on your trauma or not, what are some things that you
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can do to improve your overall mental health?
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Well, one of the things I would say is just being able to build
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more stability and more capacity into your body would be very
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helpful. One of the ways you can do that
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is through some grounding exercises.
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So practicing breath work, doing body scans, what is my body
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telling me right now? Or being able to do some gentle
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movement such as yoga, Tai chi, or even walking can really help
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ground you and start to get you in touch more with your body.
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What about rhythmic activities? Absolutely.
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Music, dancing, rocking back and forth, right stroking your arm
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with your other hand, maybe your forearm in a gentle way that
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maybe a grandmother or a parent used to do when they would
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comfort you can be very, very soothing and very comforting and
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help regulate the nervous system.
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Certainly we want to be very careful about sleep and hygiene,
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so we want to make sure we try to get at least 6 to 8 hours a
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night, try to have a consistent bedtime, try to limit screen
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time before you go to bed. So do an activity that actually
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makes you sleepy as opposed to one that that actually wakes you
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up like a screen might. You know, even just being able
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to pray or if you do some meditation or something like
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that in the dark, that can be OK to do that while you're falling
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asleep. And so we want to just make sure
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we have a good sleep hygiene and routine.
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And then of course, nutrition, hydration, we want to make sure
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that we stay away from sugary drinks, not too much pop, not
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too much Red Bull, things that would, would sort of energize
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us. I, I get the theory behind that,
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but sometimes people can really overdo it and those can create
20:29
some big mood swings where we're, we're, you know, forcing
20:33
ourselves to, to be energized and, and we drink a red ball and
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now we're up and we've got energy and then all of a sudden
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we kind of crash. That's really not healthy for
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your system. So making sure we drink more
20:44
water and staying away from the sugary drinks.
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Some other ideas we can do to practice good mental health.
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Sometimes trying to fix everything actually adds
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pressure, so instead, try to speak to yourself as you would a
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close friend. If you're having a day where
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you're feeling anxious, can you show up for yourself in a way
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that shows compassion for yourself?
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Can you show up for yourself with a soothing, gentle voice
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instead of one that would be more harsh or critical?
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Acknowledging what's hard without needing to solve it
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immediately. This is hard today.
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Today's going to be a rough day, and that's OK.
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If it's a rough day, I can feel my depression kind of creeping
21:33
in. It's OK.
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I can get through this day. But it's also OK that it's going
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to be kind of a hard day for me. And in moments when I can, I'm
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going to take care of myself. I'm going to do something that's
21:45
that's soothing and comforting and compassionate for myself.
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And also being able to focus on progress, not perfection in
21:55
small steps. Hey, it's been, it's been six
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weeks since I've really had anxiety as bad as I have it
22:02
today. Boy, that that's progress.
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Usually I was having it maybe every two or three days.
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But now since I've been working on myself and I've got some
22:11
tools I'm using and maybe I'm seeing my therapist or whatever,
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and, and now I've got my, my, my health coach, I've been going to
22:18
whatever it might be, I've noticed that things are getting
22:21
better. Being able to focus on what's
22:24
working, being able to focus on the progress you're making is
22:28
really important because our brain wants to focus only on the
22:31
negative, not ever on the positive.
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So make sure you do that and then working with your thoughts
22:38
and beliefs, right? Being able to address some of
22:41
those core negative beliefs that, that shape your negative
22:45
patterns, right? So practice mindfulness, notice
22:49
thoughts without attaching to them.
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I'm thinking very judgmentally right now or I'm being really
22:56
critical on myself. That inner critic is, is really
22:59
loud right now. I wonder what that's all about.
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I wonder why I'd want to attack myself like that.
23:05
Maybe I can just sort of try to give myself a little more
23:07
compassion. Is there a statement I can come
23:09
up with this more compassionate the and, and that will actually
23:13
allow that inner critic to sort of move out of the way a little
23:15
bit? So you can certainly try
23:18
journaling prompts. Like what's one small thing I
23:21
could control today? Or you can challenge
23:25
catastrophic thinking. What's a more balanced way to
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see this? Is there evidence for what I'm
23:32
feeling right now? Or is this an old feeling that's
23:35
that's cropped up and is based in fear?
23:39
So these are all different kinds of ways that will allow you to
23:43
sort of improve your overall mental health, even if you're
23:47
not directly addressing your trauma.
23:50
Let me say as we close out today that there's a few things that I
23:54
think are extremely important and that is to limit or stay
24:00
away from drugs, alcohol, or any kinds of addictive behaviors.
24:06
So often times our trauma wants to drive us towards these
24:10
behaviors because they are comforting and soothing and it
24:15
is a protective strategy that we've learned over the years.
24:19
The problem with that is it, it actually impacts our mental
24:23
health. It makes our trauma worse, and
24:26
it tends to act as an avoidance on what it is we're feeling.
24:31
So it's a, it's a smoothing bomb.
24:33
I get that. It's, it's, it's a coping device
24:37
that sort of, you know, alcohol in my stomach makes me feel warm
24:42
and taken care of and comforting, but it limits my
24:46
ability to be able to understand my triggers.
24:49
It limits my ability to be able to hold strong emotions when
24:52
they come up and to be able to communicate those to my partner
24:56
so that I can actually get the care and the love and the need I
24:59
have for my partner. And so those types of addictive
25:03
behaviors are really important to try to limit as much as
25:07
possible. That might include gambling or
25:10
being a workaholic. If you're totally avoiding
25:14
anything inside you, your own mental health, your own
25:18
emotional health, if you're avoiding the relationship with
25:22
your partner because you're working all the time, that's
25:26
another avoidance tactic. Now, it might be successful in
25:30
the short term, but in the long term it's probably not going to
25:33
be as successful. And then I want to say too that
25:37
exercising daily is really important.
25:40
Trying to increase your cardiovascular health is very
25:44
beneficial to not only impacting your overall global mental
25:48
health, but certainly even having a positive impact on your
25:52
trauma. So getting some kind of exercise
25:55
each day is really important as well.
25:59
So there's a two things I think that are specific that you could
26:02
focus on and identify what are some ways I can limit or avoid
26:07
any drugs, alcohol or addictive behaviors?
26:10
And how could I start to try to exercise, even if it's something
26:14
as simple as, well, I'm just going to walk up the stairs at
26:17
my work instead of taking the Elevate Evader 3 flights, I'm
26:21
going to use the stairs. And that's just one small change
26:25
that you could make that would be helpful throughout the day.
26:29
Hey, thank you so much for listening.
26:31
My name is Tom Phillip and I'm here to remind you to stay
26:34
grounded, clear and connected.