Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 705: What Your Avoidant Ex Is Thinking During No Contact

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Episode 705: What Your Avoidant Ex Is Thinking During No Contact · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  If you're sitting there wondering why your avoidant X
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  seems so unbothered after the breakup, then this video or
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  podcast is for you. I'm going to break down exactly
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  what's going on in their mind during No Contact.
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  I'll be discussing the stages avoidance go through during No
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  Contact, why they seem so darn happy right after the breakup
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  and when that changes, how long it takes for an avoidant to miss
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  you, the avoidant Phantom X phenomenon, and when avoidance
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  typically reach out and what to say when they do.
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  But before I do that, I want to welcome back my beautiful no
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  contact Army. I hope you've been a little
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  soldier and stayed in no contact.
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  And if you too would like to join our no contact Army, all
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  you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
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  notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
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  nocontactsecrets.com or you can read 2 free chapters before you
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  purchase the book. OK, so let's RIP that Band-Aid
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  off first. Your avoidant is going to be
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  happy right after the breakup, not because they never cared,
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  but because they're relieved. Avoidance, hate, conflict, and
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  emotional pressure. So when you disappear after the
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  breakup, they're celebrating finally.
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  No one's asking me to talk about feelings or to reconsider.
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  That's what they're thinking. And This is why begging or
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  checking in backfires. The longer you linger, the
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  longer you extend their relief phase.
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  Think of it like resetting a timer.
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  Every text you send, they think I'm still not free.
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  But when you go radio silent, that timer starts ticking and
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  ticking and ticking towards the next stage, which is tantratam
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  distraction. They're going to suppress their
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  emotions. They're going to do everything
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  they can to not feel any negative emotions after the
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  breakup, such as missing you nostalgia or anxiety.
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  They'll try distracting themselves by focusing on other
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  things and sometimes other people.
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  That's why at first they come across as unbothered and you may
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  wonder if they ever cared. Next they're going to be in
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  denial and convince themselves that they've done nothing wrong
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  and it was you. They don't want to consider the
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  possibility that they made a mistake because that would make
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  them anxious. And remember, they're
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  suppressing their emotions and are trying to avoid feeling
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  anything, especially anxiety. Now here's where things get
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  interesting. Oh, and real quick, I got to be
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  honest, about 65% of the people listening right now have not hit
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  the subscribe button yet. So if my videos have ever helped
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  you or at least kept you from drunk dialing your ex, then tap
• 3:06
  that subscription button. It's free, it takes half a
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  second, and in return, I'll keep working hard to make these
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  videos as helpful as possible so you've got the best shot at
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  getting your ex back or moving on like a boss deal.
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  Good. OK, so since there's a part of
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  them that still loves you, yes, eventually they'll begin to
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  wonder what the heck are you up to?
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  And when they get to this stage depends on you.
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  Yes, you. You actually have more power
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  than you think. All you have to do is stay in no
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  contact. However, if you keep breaking no
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  contact, after a week or two, they're going to be right back
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  in that relief stage. Now, you may have heard me say
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  that avoidance are like feral cats.
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  So if a feral cat is at your door and it feels like it wants
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  to take a step inside, but you come running to the door, then
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  it's going to run away. And that's exactly what's going
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  to happen with an avoidant. They may be thinking about
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  contacting you or getting closer, but all of a sudden you
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  do something and they get scared and Yikes, no.
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  So stay in no contact. Now.
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  This is when they'll start to have conflicting emotions and
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  we'll wonder if they made the right decision.
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  They're going to be on an emotional roller coaster ride,
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  and that's good news for you. Sometimes they'll be certain
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  they made the right decision and other times they're going to
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  think it was a mistake. It's finally starting to hit
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  them that the relationship may really be over for good.
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  So if you were a good little soldier and you stayed in no
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  contact, they'll also be starting to miss you and realize
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  what you brought to their life. And a lot of people have used my
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  app Silencio to help them stay in no contact.
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  So be sure to check that out. And the link is below every
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  video and podcast as always. Next, your ex is going to feel a
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  void. And this is when you become the
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  phantom X. And a phantom X is just the
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  ghost of a past partner, even though that X is no longer
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  physically around. And you can tell that someone
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  has a phantom X if they mention their XA lot, they'll say things
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  like, well, my X used to do this and my X used to say this.
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  Or if someone is still emotionally attached to their X,
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  then it's a phantom X. And that's usually because
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  they're still angry about it. Nostalgic.
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  Curious or stalking them on social media?
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  Next, Finally, they will want to reach out to you, but they're
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  also afraid of rejection, so they may be reaching out because
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  they genuinely want you back or because they don't want you to
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  move on. Yeah, I know it's messed up.
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  And this is when they start testing the waters when
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  avoidance hover with the bread crumbing nostalgic texts I miss
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  you with no follow through. They're often just wondering if
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  you're still an option without wanting to commit.
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  And this is where most people get played.
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  They break no contact and the avoidance thinks cool, they're
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  still hooked and disappears again.
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  This is why I always strongly advise against responding to
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  bread crumbs. They need to put in effort and
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  show that they regret the decision.
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  And they do want you back. And when they contact you, you
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  need to determine whether they really are interested in getting
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  back together or they're just trying to keep you on the hook
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  and trying to keep you from moving on.
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  And that can be hard to figure out, which is why I offer
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  one-on-one coaching to help you understand what's actually going
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  on. And the link to get coaching is,
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  of course, underneath every single video and podcast.
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  Now, if you do decide to take them back, I would strongly
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  recommend that you let them know that the prerequisite for
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  getting back together is for them to work on their avoidant
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  attachment style. Otherwise, it's very possible
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  they'll pull away or break up with you again.
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  And we do not want that, right? So now I want to hear from you.
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  How long have you been in No contact and how is it going?
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  And if you are listening to this as a podcast and would like to
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  help the show, then just download this episode.
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  And if you found this video helpful, remember to like,
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  subscribe and share. And finally, remember, love
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  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.