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Transcript

The Tolerance Trap · The Daily Reset Podcast

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, everyone.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's Laurel here, and welcome to the Tolerance Trap.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so glad that you're here.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: And before we start,
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: drop into the chat where you're joining from,
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: tell me one word for how you're arriving today.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Just one word.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, let me see what people are adding.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I see that some people are actually adding.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Fine.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Hold that thought.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what today is not.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need another productivity hack.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need another planner.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to push harder.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: This hour is about looking honestly at something most of us never stop to look at
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: and leaving with one clear next step.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not a list of 20 things to fix.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's one place to begin.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And you will need a notebook.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't got one, go and grab it now.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're watching the recording, pause it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll just wait for those that are on live.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So let's start with what this whole session is built on.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's this line, the most dangerous place to be in life isn't unhappy.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's fine.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And think about how often you say it.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: How are you?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Fine.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: How's work?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Fine.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: How are things at home?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Fine.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And fine sounds really neutral and harmless even, but most of the time, it's not a description.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually a shortcut.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's a way of compressing everything you're actually feeling
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: into something socially acceptable and a way of moving quickly instead
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: of pausing long enough to ask, what am I actually feeling right now?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the danger.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: When you're unhappy, you know something is wrong.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And unhappiness demands action.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: But fine doesn't.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Fine is comfortable enough to stay in.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: So everything becomes fine.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Your relationship's fine.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Your job's fine.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And the things that aren't working, you tolerate them.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: That tolerating has a name.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what we're here to interrupt.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: So this was me.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Does this sound familiar?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling permanently busy.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships that leave me feeling smaller.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Never putting myself first.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Jobs that no longer fit who I'd become.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And just basically being constantly overwhelmed.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Broken boundaries.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Poor sleep and running on empty.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And the danger in this is that none of them actually feel dramatic,
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: but that's actually what makes them really dangerous.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And because every day that you tolerate something,
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: you're actually voting for it again and again and again.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: So my version of Fine, that was me.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: I spent 30 years building and scaling companies and financial services,
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: technology and digital transformation.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: My last startup, which Richard Branson Startup of the Year.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: So from the outside, I looked successful.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: But behind the scenes, I was overwhelmed, burning out and tolerating far more than I realized.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: I had back pain, low energy.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the dangerous part was I was still performing well enough that nobody noticed, including me.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the thing about drift and high-functioning people.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: It hides behind competence.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And in my 50s,
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: after burnout,
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: getting sober and an ADHD diagnosis,
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: I finally started looking honestly at the patterns shaping my life.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I stopped asking how I could cope better with a life that Didn't feel right
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: and started asking what I actually wanted instead.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that question changed everything.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it started with understanding the trap that I'd been living in.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: So what is the tolerance trap?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: The tolerance trap is what happens when something isn't bad enough to force you
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: to change, but isn't good enough to allow you to thrive.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: So if you look at how it works,
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: first you notice something doesn't feel right,
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: then you learn to live with it,
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: you rearrange yourself around it,
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: and you tell yourself it could be worse and you carry on.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually what you're tolerating starts to feel normal.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: It might be that work no longer fulfills you,
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: a relationship drains more than it gives,
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: the exhaustion you've accepted as normal and that boundary you keep avoiding.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the unfinished decision, taking up space in your head.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: So none of them feel urgent enough to change today,
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: but together they quietly shape the life that you're living.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And rarely it falls apart overnight.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: It just starts to drift.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: One tolerated feeling, one postponed need, and one reactive day at a time.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: So why do intelligent, capable women stay Stuck.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it comes down to two fears, the fear of changing and the fear of staying the same.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: The fear of changing makes sense.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: You've built your career,
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: your reputation,
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: a family,
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: a lifestyle, and change feels risky, even when something inside you knows it's time.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: So you start negotiating with yourself.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that bad.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Other people have it worse.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is just adulthood.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: I should be grateful.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And slowly, that not bad becomes your ceiling.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: But the fear of staying the same is there too, that restlessness underneath.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so instead of choosing,
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: we hover,
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: we tolerate, and we drift somewhere between dissatisfaction and disruption.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And living between those two fears is exhausting.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And believe me.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So...
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the theory and the truth about standards.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: The theory underneath the tolerance trap is that most people don't fail
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: because they lack ambition.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: They fail because they lower their minimum standards, not consciously, gradually.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you get slightly worse sleep,
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: slightly more stress, work that no longer excites you, relationships that feel fine.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing collapses dramatically, it just erodes.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't rise to your goals,
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: you fall to your standards and whatever you're willing
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: to tolerate becomes your life.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how high capacity people get stuck, not laziness, it's adaptation.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: So what does fine really cost?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now you might be thinking, so what?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Fine is fine, nothing's on fire.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what it's actually costing you.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Psychologists call it emotional compression,
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: squashing your feelings into one socially acceptable word.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: But emotions are signals.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: They tell you what matters, what needs attention, what needs to change.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And when everything becomes fine, those signals go quiet and eventually you stop hearing them.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And not just the hard emotions, the good ones too.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Excitement, curiosity, pride, joy are all flattened into the same neutral answer.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: So nothing feels urgent enough to change and nothing feels meaningful enough
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: to fully engage with.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And fine keeps life stable, but it also keeps it small.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the subtle one.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Fine disguises itself as strength.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm okay.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'll deal with it.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a big deal.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that really is resilience, but sometimes fine isn't acceptance.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's hesitation disguised as stability.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: And the more you say, I'm fine, the less you actually notice how you are.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it compounds.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Watch the sequence.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: First, the tolerance trap.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: You started tolerating things you'd never have tolerated before.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's creep,
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: slightly less sleep,
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: slightly longer hours,
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: no proper breaks,
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: nothing you'd fight about, but each one quietly becomes acceptable.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Second, the autopilot effect.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Once you've fallen into the tolerance trap,
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: you start running those lowered standards on autopilot,
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: the same routine,
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: same reaction,
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: same pressure, and you stop noticing something that is no longer working.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And the third, drift.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's the name for all of it.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Fine is the water drift lives in.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the good news.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Drift interrupts the moment you look at it directly,
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: which is exactly what we're going to do right now.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: So this is the heart of the session, your tolerance audit.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to look across five areas of your life, mind, body, relationships.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Purpose and daily life.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And for each one, a single question.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: What am I tolerating here?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: You'd never run a business this way.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: In business, you measure everything, revenue, performance, pipeline.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: But in your life, you run it on guesswork and gut feel.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You audit your business every quarter and never audit your life.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Your life deserves the same discipline.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: So two rules, one, write whatever comes, don't edit, don't judge it.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And two, be honest, no one will ever see this page.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Notebooks open, here we go.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: So the first area,
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: your mind,
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: what thought, worry or unfinished decision is taking up space in your head?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: What have you been overthinking instead of addressing?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll give you 90 seconds to do that.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: I will, if you pause the video,
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: if you're on the recording, I will be editing it down, so do a pause here.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Second, your body.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: What have you accepted as normal?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: The exhaustion,
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: the tension,
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: the poor sleep, the no proper breaks, Your body stores what your mind ignores.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: What is it storing?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Write that down.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Pause here if you're on the replay.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: So the audit part two, third, your relationships.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Which relationship drains more than it gives?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Which conversation or boundary do you keep avoiding?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Fourth, purpose.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Where has your work stopped exciting you?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Are you building towards something defined or preserving something familiar?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And fifth, in your daily life, what in your everyday routine no longer works but happens anyway?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you feel you've disappeared from your own life?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now look at your page.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: How much or little is there?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's your starting data.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's more honesty than most people give their life in a year.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now look at your list and understand what it's really costing you because
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: the things you tolerate don't remain small.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: They take up mental space.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: They drain your energy and they gradually disconnect you from what you really want.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: So for the biggest thing on your page,
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to ask one question and write your answer underneath it.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: What is the cost of doing nothing?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not this week,
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: over a year,
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: over five years, because nothing collapses dramatically, it just erodes.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the part that stops this becoming an overwhelming list of everything to fix.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to fix everything on your page.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: You need to find the one creating a ripple effect across the rest.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: So ask yourself, if this one changed, which one of the others would start to change with it?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the sleep and everything downstream of exhaustion.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the conversation you're avoiding and everything you're holding in place to avoid it.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Circle it.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's your ripple tolerance.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's where you begin.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: If you're willing, drop one word in the chat for which area yours is in.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Mind, body, relationships, purpose, or daily life.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just the area and nothing more.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of relationships, a lot of purpose, you're not alone.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: So what do you do with it?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Your future is built from what you're willing to accept today.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: The question is, what do you want?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's not what you want, it's what are you willing to tolerate?
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: No longer willing to tolerate.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: So what do you do with it?
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: You've got four options and choosing one deliberately is the whole point.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: So you've got the option to remove, take it out of your life entirely.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Some things don't need managing, they need to go.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can repair so it stays, but it can't stay like this.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: This is the honest conversation, the boundary or the decision you've postponed.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can redesign,
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: change the structure around it,
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: the routine,
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: the hours, the way it currently works so it stops draining you or release.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Some tolerances aren't things at all.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: They're old expectations, old stories, standards you've outgrown.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Let them go with love, not anger.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Right next to your circled tolerance, which one it needs, remove, repair, redesign or release.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Not every tolerance needs a dramatic exit, but every one needs a decision.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now we make it real.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Don't try to redesign your entire life this afternoon.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Start smaller.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Ask, what is the next right action?
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's three tests.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Is it small enough to do within 24 hours?
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's specific,
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: a message sent,
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: a conversation booked,
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: a thing cancelled, and it's yours, not something you're waiting on anyone else for.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's what the science of momentum tells us.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Confidence doesn't come before action.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: It comes from action.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Every completed step sends a signal to your brain, I'm someone who moves forward.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: And motivation is unreliable, but momentum compounds.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Write your next action down now.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: One line, something you'll do before this time tomorrow.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: And to break the pattern, here's your seven day experiment.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: One tolerance, one action, seven days.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: So days one and two, take your next right action, the one you just wrote down.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Days three to six,
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: one small move each day on the same tolerance and notice what shifts your energy,
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: your mood, your mental space.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Day seven, check in.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: What changed?
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: What did it cost you to finally stop tolerating this?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to rise to your goals.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: You fall to your standards.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: This week, you raise one standard.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's the whole experiment.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: One last question.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not what's wrong.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: You've done that work today.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: This one, if I stopped tolerating this, what would I be choosing instead?
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because desire matters.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: When everything's fine for long enough,
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: you lose touch with what would actually feel good,
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: what excites you, what energizes you.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: That desire doesn't disappear, it just becomes quieter.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: This question turns the volume back up.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: And notice, this isn't reinvention.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to become someone new.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's recalibration.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: You need to find yourself again and build from there.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Live on purpose, not on autopilot.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's the whole game.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: And there is a free reset that you can take.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's a five-minute test on balance.ai slash reset.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's called the Balance Reset.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that will tell you where you're at and what you can try next if you want to take
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: that five-minute reset quiz across your mind, body, relationships, and purpose.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want help with what you've found,
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: and if you'd like help,
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: you can book a free call with me and we can look at your audit together,
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: find your ripple tolerance and map out what to remove,
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: repair, redesign or release, what it actually looks like for you.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's no pitch.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a conversation.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the link in the chat now.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Balance with an S dot AI slash call.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's my one ask and everyone gets the recording.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to solve your entire life in one afternoon.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: You only need to pause long enough to hear what it's been trying to tell you
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: and choose your next right action.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: You've done that today.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know what you're tolerating.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know which one ripples.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know what it needs and what you're doing about it in the next 24 hours.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for showing up and being honest with yourself.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's where everything starts.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Laurel.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: This was the Tolerance Trap and go and take that next right action.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Bye everyone.