Latest / The Kink Consultant / Dating Advice for Men & Women: Flirting, Confidence and Attraction with Connell Barrett

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Dating Advice for Men & Women: Flirting, Confidence and Attraction with Connell Barrett · The Kink Consultant

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It's the King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
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So close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down
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to it. Hello and welcome to this week's
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episode of the King Consultant Podcast.
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Today I am joined by Connell Barrett, a dating coach for men.
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I was lucky enough to be on his podcast last year, How to Get a
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Girlfriend, and it's been a long time coming, but I am delighted
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to welcome you here today. Connell.
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Thank you for joining us. Amanda, thank you so much for
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having me back on. I'm really psyched to be here.
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You know, I'm excited that you're here, but there is
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another tie on between our podcasts that some of my
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listeners might know. Connell was warmly introduced to
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me by my old personal trainer Zach, who also did an episode on
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here talking about the difficulties of dating and
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discovering his daddy Dom side. He gave like a very explicit
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interview and then he said you need to meet my friend Connell
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and I'm so glad we did connect. Can you describe a little bit
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about how you work and like what your approach to being a dating
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coach is? I keep it pretty simple.
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I tell men, be authentic. You're at your most attractive
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self when you're channeling your true, real you, and I call that
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radical authenticity. No lying, telling the truth,
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leaning into who you are, strengths and weaknesses.
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That's what makes us all really compelling and attractive to our
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ideal type. A lot of men water themselves
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down. They try to be a what does this
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woman need to hear? Who do I need to be to attract
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her? Fuck that.
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You don't want to be a watered down wine spritzer.
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You want to be a shot of Jamison.
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Not everybody wants Jamison, but if she likes Jamo, she'll catch
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a off you. So I teach men to really be
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authentic. And in terms of flirting, I say
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flirting is not complicated. Flirting is simple.
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Just say hey, I like you, or if it's going really well, hey, I
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lick you. Whatever you're into, tell the
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truth. I love it.
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OK. The first thing that came up
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when you said that for me, though, was what if there are
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parts of myself I don't like? How do I grapple with that
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showing my true self? But then there's also like, you
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know, I don't go as to the gym as often as I want to.
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That would be something I think about, like everyone puts on
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their dating profile, prefers fit or like goes to the gym and
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I'm like, I want to go more. I'm aspirationally a gym goer.
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How do you navigate things like that?
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If you can't fix it, feature it. So if you have flaws, lead with
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them or at least don't hide them.
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Mention on your dating profile. I haven't been to the gym in
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four months. If that's the truth, I.
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Hate how accurate you just nailed the actual time I think
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it's been, yeah. Or be even more honest than
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that. That's probably over correcting.
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You could say something like I go to the gym twice a week so I
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can eat that tub of Ben and Jerry's on Saturday night, which
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is true of me. I had three bags of veggie chips
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late last night. Amanda and I always had all this
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guilt. I'm not afraid to say that to a
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woman if I'm flirting with her, if I'm texting with her or
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talking to her, because that's real.
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It's just humans being humans. So vulnerability, being
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imperfect, grappling with that, Everybody's imperfect.
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So you may as well lead with it, or at least don't hide it.
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Yeah, I love that because it always comes out.
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No one keeps the charade going for longer than maybe four days.
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I used to be really afraid to tell women how old I am.
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I'm 54 now, about to turn 55 and when I first started working on
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my dating life almost 20 years ago, I'm in my mid to late 30s
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and I'm approaching and talking to women sometimes in their
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early 20s. And I used to fib about my age
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or try to hide it. And it was once I started
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leaning into it I realized that not only did women not care,
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they liked that I didn't care about telling them my age.
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So I remember I approached 1 and she said how old are you?
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And I said, how do you think I am?
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She said I don't know, 35 and it's time.
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I was probably 4243. And I said no, I'm way older.
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I'm a dirty old man. And then I said, I think I used
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to babysit you. You were so naughty, you never
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went to bed when I told you to. And it became a really funny,
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flirty interaction. All because I leaned into the
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truth. My point is, there's nothing for
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you to fix. There's nothing broken in a guy
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who's struggling with dating. It's just that we're all works
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in progress, so there's nothing to fix but this idea that we're
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all imperfect. If you feel like there's
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something imperfect, don't try to hide it.
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I love that. That was also extremely kinky,
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like nonchalant, that little flirtation.
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Yeah, I have a little kink side that can come out.
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I love it. OK, so I have to tell you that
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it's so funny that like men do lie about the rage.
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And I remember when I was dating on the apps, that was something
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that would really disappoint me. Here's what would happen.
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They would tell me the rage, we would continue talking and then
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they talk about all of their success.
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And I have a little bit of competitiveness in me, right?
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And I would feel lesser because I'm like, oh, they're already
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there at 40 and I'm not here at 32.
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Like I'm not even close to that. And then I'd find out they were
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50 and it was the betrayal and then the way it made me feel
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about myself that really bothered me almost more than the
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lie about the age. So I always think like, it's a
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bigger lie than just your age, you know, like the honesty
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there. But I also want to own up to
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something. You mentioned that when you
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started dating, when when I started dating on the apps, I
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thought I was cherry picking or, you know, like it was all on me
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to just find something and pick it.
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So I was saying this is what I'm looking for and that's all I
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talked about. I didn't talk about what I did
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either. And it took me a long time to
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realize like I can't just say I'm looking for, you know the
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joke Like what looking for a man in finance 64 blue eyes like
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trust fund. You couldn't just put out what
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you were looking for. You need to put who you are to
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your earlier point. Exactly, because there's a lot
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of guys trying to come off on his profile successful.
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Here's my job, here's my status. Why don't you be the guy who is
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not trying to do that instead of saying I've got that.
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You know what the three sixes are, right?
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6 foot Yep. 6 figures. Yep I'm going to go dirty A6
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inch cock. Exactly.
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Oh, is that what it is? If you're going to mention that,
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then have fun with it. My big thing is let's flirt and
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have fun. Flirting, sex, kink.
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This should all be playful. In a word, it's about play.
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Let's play and I like to play instead of saying on your
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profile, oh, I'm all on three sixes.
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Or if a woman were to ask you that, a woman once said, hey,
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are you 666? I said, actually I'm 7 to 9.
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Do you want to guess which is which?
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I don't even know what that means, but it's just a fun way
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to break the pattern of what people are used to.
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Bottom line is the world is filled with successful people of
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different. It's not a man's success that
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gets a woman to say swipe right. I want to date with him.
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It's how she thinks she's going to feel with him on the date,
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how she's going to feel and what he can bring to her table as a
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potential partner or sexual partner or romantic partner.
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However they would want to dance with each other.
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Guys try too hard to impress. I'd rather impress her by not
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trying to impress her. Do you think there is a certain
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woman that is impressed by that try hard guy?
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Like their bio will say something like, I believe grad
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finance successful. They basically put up the resume
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as their personality as opposed to injecting themselves in it.
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I think that's try hard because I read that and I'm like, where
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is their value in themselves only in their accomplishments?
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That's the first thing I see. And I'm like, that's a hot mess
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of emotion. And even in my early in my day
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in mid 20s, I think I used to look at that and think, oh wow,
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that's someone I want to be around.
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And now the older I got the more I felt it was try hard.
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Yeah, I agree. There's not more.
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What you described as try hard. If you're trying hard to impress
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somebody with your resume, you might get a match on LinkedIn,
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but you're not getting a good match on Tinder or Field or
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Bumble or what have you. You might even get the date
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because look, OK if you went to Harvard, if you have a
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impressive life, that can be impressive.
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That's not not impressive. But what turns a woman off is
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this guy's trying hard to impress me.
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And that makes you say, what is he missing?
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Why is he trying so hard? One of my clients I had in the
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late teens, we went out approaching one night at a place
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called EPLP in California. It's in the Hollywood Hills.
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It's a really cool nightclub with a rooftop, cool rooftop
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view. I'll call him Jake.
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He's a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon.
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And I do this thing where I take guys out.
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I call it the wing man. We can go out and help them
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approach women. I watch them, I listen, I help
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them talk to women and approach. Jake walks up to two women and
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for his pickup line he walked over that to them and handed him
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his golden black business card and said hi, I'm a plastic
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surgeon. Hands them the card, a Beverly
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Hills plastic surgeon and they looked at each other like what's
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going on here? And one of the women covered her
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nose. She thought he was looking for
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business. Oh my God, now I see how that's
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I would think the same thing. And then they realize, oh, wait
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a minute, he's not marketing to us.
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This is his approaching line. And they politely chatted for 30
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seconds. And then they said the polite
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version of not interested, which is it was nice meeting you.
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And they walked away. They're kind of laughing at him.
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I used to do similar things, minus the business card.
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Trying to impress a woman lowers your value, your status in her
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eyes, because who needs to do that?
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But a guy who doesn't believe in himself, try hard will make you
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seem lower in attractiveness to a given woman.
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So I took him aside and said, let's do something different.
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Why don't you organically naturally talk about what you
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love about your job. What do you love about being a
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plastic surgeon? He said, oh, I love that I can
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repair a young child's face who was hurt in a fire.
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I love that I can repair somebody's self esteem.
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And I'm like, dude, use that, but not as your approach line
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when you're actually getting to know somebody.
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And he later met a woman that night and they were both opening
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up to each other about what they love about what they do.
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So if you are a guy with a high status, cool, successful job,
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awesome, great, that'll come out in the wash of a date.
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But don't try to impress her with it.
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Share what you love about your job.
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How does your job allow you to give back to people?
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How does it make you feel? How does it let you elevate
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other people? That's really attractive to
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women. If you're like triggering some
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really terrible dates, I've been on with your examples.
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You're like, you're giving such solid examples when you
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mentioned plastic surgeons. I can't speak for all plastic
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surgeons, but my listeners know I used to be a professional
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dominatrix in a New York City dungeon, and it was widely known
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that the worst clients were plastic surgeons.
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So when you started with plastic surgeon, I was a little wary.
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But then you saved the story with the fact that, like, he did
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have a heart and something he loved about his job.
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Well, his business card approach pickup line was coming from a
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place of insecurity. It comes from the biggest enemy
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that men face in dating, which is self doubt.
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Feeling that I guess I'm probably not enough for a really
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wonderful woman. So I've got to make up for that
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with a cool line or success or conveying my value or pretending
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to be an alpha male. So yeah, Jake's problem was not,
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he's not enough. His problem was he believed it
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at the time and thought like, oh, I need to make up for it.
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My my status, my money, my what have you.
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What's really interesting though is the type of client, I think
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who has that and goes to the dungeon versus the type of
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client who goes to you probably has that same core wound of self
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worth and not feeling like they have control of it or they have
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it but they act out in different ways.
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The way it presents is a little different.
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That's what I took from that, my experience versus your
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description there. Well, we all have different,
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let's call them sub identities that make up our overarching
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personality. There's Amanda the King
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consultant, Amanda the former dominatrix, Amanda the partner
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if you're in a romantic relationship, Amanda the podcast
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host. There's different versions of
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all of us and that show up in different parts of our lives.
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And in dating, I talk about this in my book, the lower self.
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The lower self shows up and dating and says, well, what if
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I'm just not enough? What if I'm not a really great
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catch? Well, I'm afraid I don't want to
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get rejected for being not enough.
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So I'll try to make up for it in other ways.
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And trying to make up for it in other ways actually makes it
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even worse because you try hard. You try to impress them with
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status or money or what have you.
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Instead of truly getting in touch with what I call the
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higher self, which is that awesome, badass, present,
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authentic, confident, kick ass version of yourself who comes
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out in areas he probably comes out in his work, comes out in
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sports or certain people. And we want to try to bring that
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side of you out in dating because that's the guy.
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Guy who women are like, wow, this guy is playful and present
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and awesome and big hearted but also confident.
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That's the guy. That's the guy.
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You kind of, like, must have to dig in then and pull that out of
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people sometimes. Oh, yeah.
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Can you tell me a little bit about, like, the arc of your
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client's journey? Like, what does that look like
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from when they first contact you to when you send them off into
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the world and let them, I guess, graduate from your coaching?
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It's a hero's journey. I'm a nerdy improv and musical
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theater guy. It's the hero's journey.
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Hero wants something wonderful. I want love.
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I want a girlfriend. I want to feel good about
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myself. We all want something.
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That protagonist wants something, but he feels like,
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oh, I'm too nerdy. I don't know how to talk to
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women. I'm not tall enough, I'm not
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whatever, not ripped enough, not charismatic enough, some version
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of I'm missing something. But I'm a nice guy, I'm a sweet
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guy. The journey is why am I so
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confident and feeling so good in certain areas of my life?
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But with women and dating, I just feel clueless and women
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don't like me. And so we start with that
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understanding of what's causing the problem, which is this voice
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of self doubt that says if you approach her and she rejects
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you, you're not good enough or you're a creep, you're a weirdo.
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Or if you try something sexy, if you try to be a little bit
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kinky, that's shame. Shame tells them up, that's
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shameful. Society doesn't like that.
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So we kind of rewire that with a higher self mindset and 1st
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understanding. Hey, no matter what happens, I'm
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a regular guy 8910. I'm a great, amazing regular
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guy. Catch.
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There's so many women out there who would like my type.
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And once a guy starts to feel that, then women start to feel
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it because so much of attraction as she feels what you feel.
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So I get their confidence up and I get their ability to flirt up.
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My favorite thing in the world to teach is flirting and how to
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talk to women and how to approach.
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That's the really fun stuff where you learn how the art of
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flirting, but from in a real genuine place.
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That's where you feel like you have a superpower.
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So it's confidence 1st and then how to talk to women in that
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authentic flirting way. I say flirt like you mean it.
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Tell the truth and then a woman who likes your type is going to
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go crazy for you. Oh my gosh, I love that you're
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basically now in my mind, you're a Connell Barrett, the flirting
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expert, because I have even seen some screenshots of scripts
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almost that you have produced that are kind of like flirting.
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Can we talk about what to do? Say if you end up ghosted, how
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can you flirt your way back into an active DM with them?
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Let me do a dramatic reading. OK, please do.
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I'm going to open my field by the way, I have a girlfriend I'm
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in a happy exclusive relationship, but I'm on the
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apps because I have a weird job I'm a dating coach so this is
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all above board but I matched with a woman on field and this
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is for content it's for my clients.
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So my girlfriend Jess knows about this, so I'm not doing
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anything sketchy. But anyway, I'm the woman on
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field. And if you're like a lot of
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guys, whoever might be listening to this thinking well, I don't
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want to double or triple text. If a woman goes quiet, I'm just
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going to give up. I don't want to bother her.
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Double or triple texting is needy and creepy.
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That's not true if you do it the right way.
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So I matched with a woman named Stacy.
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We're just bantering back and forth and she went a little bit
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quiet. I sent a message.
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I sent a follow up message saying, Hey, did you want to
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meet up this Thursday or Saturday?
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I basically I'm asking her out again.
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I'm not literally going on a date with her.
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This is just for content. But anyway, she went quiet.
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Most guys would give up after two or three unreturned messages
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yesterday, I said, So I call this the Hey, ChatGPT.
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OK text. This is the third text you send
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when the first two she goes quiet.
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Hey ChatGPT, this stylish field woman Stacy has gone quiet.
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Should I text her again or should I join a monastery with a
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little thinking emoji? And so I put it in quotes.
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So I'm sending this to her, making her think as a joke that
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this is I meant to send this to ChatGPT.
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It's. Disarming this is disarming this
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approach, yeah. She wrote back.
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I'm happy you followed up exclamation point.
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I would love to get some authentic FaceTime with you.
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I'm available Friday, do you think you have a space to pencil
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me in? Sorry, clearly my strengths are
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not on the apps or texting right now, but that was very funny
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lol. So that was my third message.
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Let me ask you Amanda, was that needy and try hard?
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No, Why? It was so clever.
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I think that when I said disarming, I put myself in
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Stacy's shoes. And what normally happens is I
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am so addicted to my phone, I open messages and read them all
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the time, even when I don't have time to respond.
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So sometimes it's just unlucky that the two times I've read a
16:43
previous message, it doesn't stop me in my tracks.
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I file it away and I'll answer that soon even if there's
16:49
interest. And then something like that.
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Sometimes you need humor to break the ice or the wall that
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someone has up that they can't text back immediately.
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So that's what I was thinking as you said it.
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However, I also think it is a fine in line between creepy
17:05
persistence and charming persistence, and I think having
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a joke like that is really good because oftentimes the third
17:13
text message is something slightly more aggressive.
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That's been my experience, sadly.
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The third text is like, well if you didn't want to meet, just
17:20
say it, you know wasn't the. Case you nailed it.
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Yeah. So there's two extremes, right?
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Aristotle talked about the golden mean.
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We want to find that golden mean in the middle.
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One extreme is giving up after one or two messages.
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That's not going to work because a woman and we'll say, oh, I
17:34
guess he wasn't interested or she'll literally forget about
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you. So you can't give up.
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The other extreme is 345 messages.
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Hey, are you there? Did you get my message?
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Why did you mash with me if you're not going to write back?
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And I've seen some really angry stuff from one guy in
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particular, to quote him. This is a woman who showed me
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these text messages, 6 or 7 messages.
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She's a neurosurgeon. She was literally in surgery all
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day and didn't see her phone. She gets a bunch of messages
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from a guy and it was like 3 or 4 messages.
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Hey, are you there? Are we meeting up tonight or
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not? No response.
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The last one was you fucking bitch.
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Why do women fucking do this? It was really angry and I
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empathize with where the anger comes from.
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I don't agree with it but I understand the place it's coming
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from. But anything angry, negative,
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needy is not going to work. Nor will something like hey just
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circling back like it's a business.
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Just circling. But you don't want to do that.
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The sweet spot is let's I called the three times roll.
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I'll send 3 fun good messages to a woman before I assume she's
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not interested. If she doesn't respond to my
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ChatGPT disarming funny one. OK fine, maybe she's not that
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into it. Maybe she's got another guy,
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she's into it, then I'll move on.
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But most guys give up after one or two, or they go to the
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extreme and get angry and neither of those things work.
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We want to find that sweet spot in the middle.
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I love this advice, but I can't deny rejection sensitivity is a
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thing, right? Where the feeling of rejection
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can be so overwhelming that trying a couple of times feels
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like exposing yourself to a point of no return.
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Maybe that's just a woman thing, I don't know.
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But you ever deal with men who really have a resistance to
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trying a second time because the rejection brings that anger?
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Do you have any advice for that? Don't think of it as rejection.
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A woman who doesn't know you can't reject you.
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Oh, if my girlfriend called me over to her apartment tonight
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and said, Connell, it's over, I'm leaving you.
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Your penis is too small. I don't like your the way you
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make eggs. It's over.
19:34
OK, that's rejection. If a woman doesn't respond to a
19:37
text, that's not rejection. You got to think about how many
19:40
messages a woman gets on dating apps.
19:42
It could just be that she didn't see your messages or she glanced
19:45
quickly, but then she ran off to the gym, ran off to yoga and
19:47
didn't get a chance to respond. So you need to remind yourself I
19:51
got to stay at the top of her queue a little bit.
19:53
That's just a little bit of a numbers game here, but I
19:55
literally have do not define rejection.
19:58
Nobody who who has never even met me has permission to reject
20:01
me. Because it's not rejection.
20:04
Exactly. It's not rejection, is it
20:05
rejection if you ask the person at the brunch place if they have
20:09
a table for you and they say, no, we're busy right now.
20:11
Do you say, Oh, well, I guess I'm not worthy of brunch, No.
20:15
No. Restaurants too busy damn it.
20:19
Why would you make that personally?
20:20
Don't take unreturned message personally as well.
20:23
The three times rule is what I call it.
20:24
I highly recommend anybody listening to this keep it in
20:27
mind. Send three good text messages.
20:30
I can't tell you how many women have sent me messages like
20:32
Stacey. I had one woman who wrote me
20:34
back and she wrote verbatim. Oh hey thanks for following up.
20:38
I just wanted to see how persistent you are.
20:40
How about drinks on Friday? She's basically saying because
20:42
every other guy either gives up or creeps me out in that sweet
20:45
spot in the middle. So 3 or 4 at the most and then
20:48
move on. I like that, but I do have to
20:50
say from where I'm sitting, if that was one of my girlfriends I
20:54
would say stop playing games. I would say if this person
20:57
actually interested you, why were you waiting to see how hard
21:00
they'd try? I feel that's a recipe for not
21:04
finding love personally. I'd love your opinion on that.
21:07
I love games, I like tic tac toe, I like improv games.
21:11
I don't think of it as manipulation game playing.
21:14
Think of it as hey, a woman, especially conventionally
21:18
attractive, dateable, single, great catch woman.
21:21
She's going to have options. She might not have time to get
21:23
back to you. If she is literally screening
21:26
you to see if you're persistent, more power to her.
21:28
She wants to find a great man who doesn't give up.
21:31
Maybe that's what that one woman was saying to me.
21:33
That's not all women. That was just that one woman in
21:35
particular. I don't blame her.
21:37
So I don't think of it as game playing in any kind of a toxic
21:40
way. I just say these are the rules
21:42
of dating and may as well accept it instead of being Homer
21:45
Simpson's dad, you know, yelling like.
21:49
Guy, I love the empathy you bring to it.
21:51
I admit, I think I have slightly less empathy in this because I'm
21:57
not a dating coach. You know, I talk to people in
21:59
relationships mostly, but for me, it upsets me to see my
22:03
friends. I think I'm talking more about
22:05
my friends, sort of like, So we'll see, we'll see it.
22:07
And I know they're seeking connection, but it's for people
22:10
they really want to hear from and they keep putting them
22:13
through the test. That's where I'm like, just let
22:16
it go, you know? Yeah, but that's not always the
22:18
dating app advice. These are my friends.
22:21
Not really just on the dating apps.
22:23
They might be getting advice, some bad advice.
22:27
Wait, wait XYZ hours or days, make him wonder all that stuff
22:30
that's out there. And I don't agree with a lot of
22:33
that, but I don't judge anybody for it.
22:34
We're all just, you know, in Plato's cave, trying to figure
22:38
out what the shadows on the wall mean, trying to figure out this
22:41
whole dating and love thing. I don't blame anybody for trying
22:43
different things. I tried everything in the book
22:47
Toxic, Sketchy, not toxic. But that pickup moves to the
22:51
opposite, to everything under the sun, within reason,
22:54
everything that I thought was moral.
22:56
And I tried it all. So I'm not going to judge
22:57
anybody for playing a little game now and then.
22:59
It's dating. I mean, it's probably why I had
23:01
so much fun dating, especially when I lived in New York City.
23:04
That was just a good time all over.
23:06
OK, you are like creating so many little explosions in my
23:10
head because first I have two things.
23:12
I'm like prepping you for a two-part question.
23:14
Number one, I want I want to know you did it all that helped
23:18
you become the expert and like I want to know more about how you
23:21
became a dating coach and that journey.
23:24
But I have to ask, this is a burning question for me right
23:27
now. Do you ever get the people who
23:29
were students of pickup artistry who did the negging and
23:34
approaching people in public? Do you ever have to rehab them
23:38
to be daters or is it sort of slight tweaking?
23:41
Yeah, I get that a time. Occasionally I get guys who took
23:44
a pickup boot camp and has all these planned lines or thinks he
23:50
needs planned lines to make a woman interested or attracted
23:54
and sometimes I see it in real life still to this day.
23:56
A lot of the stuff is really dated but people still use it.
23:59
My girlfriend and I were at a bar last year and I was with
24:02
clients doing this wing man weekend approaching thing I do
24:05
or I take guys out and I left my girlfriend alone for 5 minutes.
24:08
Always a dangerous proposition and when I was gone she said
24:14
this random guy came up to her and said hey I'm a pirate and
24:17
I'm looking for my pirate treasure X something about the
24:20
pirate map. Can you help me find my pirate
24:21
treasure? And was clearly something he had
24:23
read on Reddit or was told to say and she sort of said very
24:28
funny. I'm with my boyfriend.
24:30
Here's his card. You might want to talk to him.
24:34
It was, I guess you call it a plan to pick up line.
24:37
And I have no problem with a plan to pick up line.
24:39
It doesn't really matter. We are who we are.
24:42
The true self is always coming out.
24:44
A woman's going to see through anything you say.
24:46
But yeah, every so often I get a guy who says, hey, Connell, how
24:49
do I get her back to my seduction location?
24:51
I'm like, you mean, how do you invite her over to your home?
24:55
Invite her over to your home. That's a word I haven't even
24:58
heard. And like perhaps your girlfriend
25:00
for being a strong business wing woman to be like you might need
25:04
this. I'm looking around for my
25:05
business cards. I just need to send her out into
25:07
the world looking all cute and just have guys approach her
25:10
poorly and say here's my boyfriend's card.
25:13
We've half joked about doing that.
25:15
I think it's actually a good idea.
25:16
I think that that's an example of the perfect like move where
25:19
it did work and is not a bad idea, especially do you know,
25:23
back in the day, I was living in New York, like 2012 to 2023,
25:27
late teens, like 2018-2019. I know on Saturdays or Sundays
25:32
in Washington Square Park, I used to get hit on with these
25:36
terrible pickup lines and I knew that they had the ring going on
25:40
there. So you need to find out where
25:42
they all hang out, if they're still active, and send your
25:44
girlfriend there. That could have been me.
25:46
I might have met you once. I've done approaching things
25:49
back when I was a student. So before I became a dating
25:51
coach, I was a student struggling with this stuff and
25:54
hiring pickup dudes, and I did that in Washington Square Park.
25:58
Do you remember the worst pickup line or a memorable pickup line
26:01
you heard? No, I literally don't remember,
26:03
but I'm trying to think. There's always the comments
26:07
about your smile, but like a joke about it being slightly
26:09
uneven or something. There was something like that.
26:13
And I remember where I was standing.
26:14
I remember it was a feature of my smile that I get complimented
26:18
on my smile a lot. That's just a fact.
26:20
OK, so it wasn't rare for someone to compliment my smile.
26:23
What was rare for him to say that?
26:25
And then there was some negative twist and I think my mind has
26:28
allowed me to purge for memory. But it was something about it
26:32
was definitely a smile compliment sort of thing.
26:35
And then like he definitely nagged, but also about the
26:37
smile. That's the only thing I
26:38
remember. Yeah, that was.
26:40
I don't remember using nags per SE.
26:44
I remember them. I remember being taught them.
26:47
It always just felt a little bit icky to me.
26:49
But what I remember thinking was when I would approach a woman,
26:54
the more genuine I was, the more I let go of planned things or
26:58
things that are tactical, and I just genuinely expressed
27:02
something real and without any need need for it to work.
27:06
That's paradoxically when it started to really work.
27:09
I remember I approached a woman in Miami.
27:11
Here's the best and worst of both worlds.
27:13
This was back before I became a coach, but I was in a good
27:15
place. My coach at the time said, walk
27:17
up to a woman and say this, excuse me, I just saw you.
27:20
I'm in a good mood. And I had to share it with
27:22
somebody. And I thought, I like that.
27:24
That was beautiful. That's like warm.
27:26
So I walked up to a woman in Miami and I said exactly that on
27:28
Lincoln Ave. Lincoln Rd.
27:30
And she looked at me like I was Ryan Gosling.
27:33
She was like, Oh, my God, thank you, You.
27:35
You just made my day. She's pretty.
27:36
She was interested. And then for the next two
27:39
minutes, I proceeded to do the worst pickup artist tactical.
27:44
Yeah. You know, you kind of have a
27:45
cute smile, but is it cute enough?
27:47
And blah, blah, blah. And all of a sudden this
27:49
persona, this pickup persona that I had been wearing off and
27:53
on came out and you could watch the attraction and interest in
27:57
her eyes just fade over the next 90 seconds like a battery
28:01
draining. And she went from looking at me
28:04
like Ryan Gosling to looking at me like I was Jeffrey Epstein.
28:08
He was like, well, it was nice meeting you.
28:11
And she like slunk away. And I'm like, what happened?
28:14
Now we're like, oh, all that gamey shit, all that pick up
28:17
stuff. Not necessary.
28:19
All you need to do is say something genuine, warm,
28:22
impactful, good intentions that can make a woman feel amazing.
28:25
And then here's a crazy idea. Be you.
28:28
That's hard lesson to learn. What's really funny about it is
28:32
when you were reenacting it, first of all, yeah, that opening
28:34
line feels like a rainbow, you know, or a ray of sunshine
28:37
coming in. That's exactly its purpose.
28:39
What's so funny is when you were reenacting the next 90 seconds,
28:43
I could feel how inauthentic that was to who you are because
28:46
everything else you've said on this podcast before, you just
28:49
feel how different is, and it's so devoid of your empathy and
28:52
warps the natural version of you.
28:54
It was a great lesson. Either you win or you learn.
28:57
And that was an important moment of like, OK, I screwed up that
28:59
approach, but boy did I learn a powerful lesson that helped me
29:02
so many other times. Was that a turning point?
29:05
It was a turning point. It was a huge turning point
29:08
where I said, oh, I've got way too much pickup content in my
29:11
head and not nearly enough presents and just talk to that
29:15
woman. And I realized the big aha
29:17
moment I had was you need enough quote game.
29:21
It's a word I hate, but you need enough game to just start the
29:25
conversation and get her paying attention.
29:27
You. Yeah, once you have that, let go
29:29
of all the moves. Just be present and genuine and
29:33
listen. And had I just done that, she
29:35
probably would have been thrilled to give me her number
29:38
and maybe go on a romantic Miami date.
29:40
Instead I got a painful lesson and what not to do, but it was
29:43
great because I still tell my clients that story.
29:45
I love it. I love that you have that story
29:47
to tell. Also, as I'm piercing different
29:49
stories together, it's almost like you're an international
29:51
lover. You have stories in New York,
29:53
Miami, LA. Are women different in different
29:56
cities? Essentially no.
29:59
Culturally, sure, certainly only there's differences.
30:01
The language barrier creates an issue, but that's more
30:05
communication based. People are basically people.
30:08
I was in Norway years ago before I became a coach, but I'd gotten
30:11
pretty experienced with approaching.
30:13
I was there with my then coach at the time, this guy named
30:15
Alex, and I approached a couple, two or three women sitting on a
30:19
blanket in a beautiful park in Norway.
30:22
And I remember the park because the statuary was X-rated, like
30:27
Mapplethorpe had done it. It was like penises and sex
30:30
positions. And I remember approaching the
30:31
women there and one of them said it's not that usual for men to
30:35
come talk to us here, but they liked it.
30:37
So there may be some cultural service level things that women
30:40
are a little bit more taken aback in some countries or
30:43
cultures, or maybe based on how they were raised.
30:45
But at the end of the dating day, she's a woman, you're a
30:48
man, and there are two people either hitting it off or not.
30:51
So I haven't seen radical differences from country to
30:54
country, no. OK.
30:55
That's really interesting to know.
30:56
In my experience dating, I've dated in LA, Vegas and New York
31:02
and Ireland. New York men I have found are
31:05
more sex focused. They're expecting sex earlier on
31:09
than anywhere West of New York City.
31:12
You could go to New Jersey and not meet men as sex focused or
31:15
goal oriented around sex as Manhattan.
31:18
And that was my experience in dating, which is why I was like,
31:20
I wonder if women have something similar.
31:22
I think you're right about that. I was never sex focused.
31:26
I'd say I didn't like sex, but other than the pickup artist
31:29
dudes who coached me for a while and they were all about like,
31:32
you know, getting to sex. That was a helpful thing to have
31:35
in mind because we are moving toward that.
31:37
Maybe you never get there, but I do have a former client who gave
31:42
me a very similar story to you, a male client who said, oh,
31:46
yeah, women are really in New York City.
31:48
A lot of them are on their guard about trying to get to sex too
31:51
fast. And it was just something he
31:53
mentioned to me. So that's probably because
31:56
they're meeting a lot of guys who want to jump into bed as
32:00
quickly as possible. And the way I coach that now, I
32:03
think the sweet spot is to allow your sexual expression to come
32:08
out authentically in the right measure.
32:11
Read the room. Yeah, super sexy and hot and
32:14
amazing on a first date. Or it could be more of a slow
32:17
burn, but never, ever, ever push or pressure for that.
32:20
Let it go organically. So it's kind of like you can
32:23
have a sexy, really sexy, fun, kinky first date, but maybe
32:28
don't have sex right away. Maybe get her excited and you
32:31
excited about it. I don't know about you, Amanda.
32:33
I always like Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve actually 100% true
32:36
Fridays because the anticipation of the weekend and a tease like
32:41
a long slow burn including no sex on the first date but that
32:46
sexual tension building. One of the first dates I had
32:49
after the pandemic ended, it was literally like the second or
32:52
third one I had. That's why it was so memorable.
32:54
I remember having a bit of an epiphany, Not epiphany, but
32:57
thinking, OK, this is really good.
32:58
I'm going to share this with my guys.
32:59
It was a first date with a woman I met on a dating app and for
33:02
whatever reason, I just didn't feel like sex that night.
33:05
Whatever, My apartment was trashed, who knows, it was
33:07
messy, whatever, but I was. We were really into each other.
33:10
I just remember the date ended. We were outside in this park at
33:14
FIT and I just remember it was a real sexy, fun date.
33:17
It was like I had pressed her up against the wall and she was
33:20
like into it. It was really hot.
33:21
And I remember she said, I'm so glad you're like this.
33:24
And I remember thinking, what does that mean?
33:27
And she later basically said, I just loved how sexual we both
33:32
were feeling that night, but that you didn't, like, try to do
33:35
anything. You let it just sort of linger.
33:38
And we didn't have sex that night.
33:39
I didn't even invite her over. And she said I just love the
33:42
combination of sexuality coming out while being present with me,
33:47
but also not pushing it towards sex.
33:49
That was an amazing combination that she really loved, for what
33:52
that's worth. I love that.
33:53
Did you guys ever get a second date?
33:54
We did. We dated for a short while.
33:57
Short while and it was not meant to be long term.
34:00
As a dating coach I'm always thinking what outcome does this
34:03
lead to? Was she going to friend zone me
34:04
because I didn't push towards sex?
34:06
If anything, it seemed to get her more excited and feeling
34:08
like yeah, this is going somewhere, but the anticipation
34:11
felt good. I totally see that.
34:12
And for me, I think especially dating in New York City,
34:15
anything beyond a first date is a win.
34:17
You know, my friends always used to joke you have a lead if
34:20
there's someone who you're going to have a second date with
34:22
because there are so many first dates that don't go anywhere.
34:25
So I always think it's a really nice story even to just have a
34:29
second date. One of my favorite ways to get a
34:31
second date, assuming you want that.
34:33
This is again counterintuitive, but set up the second date on
34:37
the first date. Talk about the second date on
34:39
the first date. An old coach of mine, not a
34:41
dating coach, he's actually a coach of high achieving athletes
34:44
like he coached John McEnroe, he coached Luke Donald used to be
34:48
the number one golfer in the world.
34:49
The term he used with me was assumptive thinking.
34:52
You just put something out there and just assume that's the
34:55
truth. And so on a first date, a really
34:58
confident, cool move would be something like assuming it's
35:00
going reasonably well, let's assume it is.
35:02
You say, oh, Amanda, I know we should do for a second date.
35:05
You love karaoke. I love karaoke.
35:08
What are we going to sing for our duet next week?
35:10
We should help this karaoke bar. What are you thinking?
35:12
A little go breaking my heart. Or you know, you talk about the
35:16
second date with her and of course it's going to happen.
35:19
Why wouldn't it? We're into each other.
35:21
Assuming she's into it and into you is a strong, confident thing
35:25
to do as opposed to like texting.
35:27
So. So do you want to see me again?
35:29
It's like, yeah, just talk about the second date on the first
35:31
date. OK, you're touching on the
35:33
biggest thing ever. We haven't actually gotten to it
35:36
during the chat yet. Confidence women.
35:39
And I'm not talking dominant, submissive, right?
35:42
I'm talking women out there dating.
35:45
I see it time and time again. They're looking for a leader.
35:47
And again, I'm not thinking about dominant or submissive.
35:50
They're looking for a man who they can rely on to create a
35:53
plan and follow it through. Are you teaching men this?
35:58
The ability to do that, in my mind, is a panty dropper in
36:00
itself, like a woman being able to rely on a man to plan a date.
36:04
Do you talk about that with clients?
36:06
The hottest thing a guy can do happens before the date starts.
36:09
What is it? Planning a good date, taking
36:12
care of the details, just finding out when she's free.
36:15
But then everything else. I got it.
36:17
Hey, so here's what we're going to do OK, great.
36:18
You're free on Thursday, you said awesome.
36:20
How about tapas at XYZ Tapas restaurant, 8:00 PM.
36:25
You're going to love it. The dessert there is fantastic.
36:29
And then just set in agreeing on what it's going to be and
36:32
setting everything up and just letting her not have to worry
36:35
about that. And women really like a man with
36:37
a plan, I found. And it just sets a really nice
36:40
strong theme of, hey, dating is a dance.
36:43
I'm the man, you're the woman. Within reason, I think there are
36:46
certain gender roles that are just kind of natural.
36:48
I'm going to lead, you're going to follow.
36:50
We're in this together. It's even.
36:51
But men lead. Women like to follow, Men like
36:54
to lead. And if that feels good to you,
36:56
here's me leading. And I found that to be something
36:59
that a vast majority of women really like, even really alpha
37:02
females who are doctors and lawyers and badass masculine
37:06
women in certain aspects of their life, typically love to
37:09
just let that go and let him be the man for the first date.
37:11
I could not agree more. While you are not a kink coach,
37:15
like a director king coach, I know that you help people who
37:18
have kink interests. I am going to say this, even if
37:20
a submissive man is looking for a woman, that's the role he
37:23
needs to play. And to your point, there are
37:25
just some gender roles that for the majority of people, and of
37:29
course we're not painting 100% with the same brush, but the
37:32
majority of people will fall into.
37:33
And this is something my kink friends and I discussed when
37:36
trying to breakdown the role of a male Dom versus a male sub and
37:40
how both of those roles should be opening the door for me.
37:43
So there are just some roles as controversy.
37:46
It may be that a man should be filling, especially in the
37:49
dating stage. And whether you're Dom or sub,
37:52
I'm putting this little caveat on being the date planner that
37:55
puts you ahead of everybody else.
37:58
That is what I've seen. Whether I'm talking to my women
38:01
friends who are Dom's or Subs, they're looking for that.
38:04
So you can never undervalue how important that is.
38:08
It's so simple too. You just have to understand.
38:10
Oh, OK, I'll be the man who leads.
38:12
Use the word. Let's LET apostrophe S.
38:14
Hey, I have an AT Amanda. Let's do XYZ this weekend.
38:18
And if you agree to the idea, great, I'll plan something fun
38:21
for us. 8:00 PM Saturday night it is.
38:23
I'll see you at XYZ spot. Does that work for you?
38:25
We would ask you just off on it. Of course.
38:28
And that's just so attractive to so many women.
38:32
So yeah, with her collaboration, but you leading it, you want to
38:35
choose the what, the when, the where, and even leading the
38:40
conversation on a good date to places that can lead a good
38:43
date. So men are always leading that
38:45
first date from start to finish. Again, want to watch how she's
38:48
feeling? You don't want to be some weird
38:50
like, oh, well, I'm the dominant man, I'm going to say and do and
38:53
she's going to follow. I don't mean it like that.
38:55
I mean it with a real positive win win collaborative vibe.
38:58
And that's sort of how we dance, right?
39:00
Yeah, I lead, she follows. But I'm noticing how our bodies
39:04
are moving together. It's very much the same in
39:06
dating. And once again, you use the
39:08
magic word. This truly is simple.
39:10
Like, let's not overcomplicate it.
39:11
Yeah, it's a simple thing. It's not this end game thing of
39:15
like, Oh my gosh, this is the end of the world if I even get
39:18
this wrong. Be confident, try something,
39:20
suggest it. And again, it's not exactly
39:22
rejection. Maybe you don't know that she
39:24
has extreme allergy to shellfish and you find out because you
39:27
recommend crave fish bar. I don't know, you know, And she
39:31
gives you that heads up. So you started 20 years ago, you
39:34
said that's when your journey began.
39:36
That's when I said I got to figure out this whole dating
39:39
thing. I want to know, like, how did
39:41
you go from student to teacher? Like, at what point were you?
39:44
Like, you know what? I could be helping men.
39:46
I got almost addicted, a strong word, but I got really into
39:50
having coaches help me. Tony Robbins has a good line.
39:54
Rejection breeds obsession. I felt very rejected by women
39:58
over the years, so I got obsessed with getting good with
40:01
women and once I found a couple of good coaches.
40:03
Those who helped me in some important ways, especially with
40:06
approaching and how to talk to women.
40:09
I said, oh, I'm really getting into this.
40:11
Like I started working with lots of different coaches in this
40:14
area, 10 or 12 different dating coaches across the board in
40:16
different ways. And I just became addicted to
40:19
learning and growing and also enjoy having some wonderful
40:25
women in my life. Obviously was great addicted to
40:27
that too. Not addicted, but enjoying it.
40:30
I never became any kind of addict in that way.
40:32
And at some point I just realized, oh wow, I think I know
40:35
a lot about this stuff, like a lot.
40:38
And I became a coach in part because I looked at all the
40:41
different men who were teaching this.
40:43
It still is to this day, but even this is back in the early
40:46
teens, it was very pickup artisty, very tactical, and with
40:49
a few male exceptions, I did not like what I was seeing.
40:53
And I thought, you know what, somebody really needs to teach
40:55
this with some heart and warmth and just kind of normalness.
40:59
And then I lost my journalism job.
41:01
I'm so sorry to hear but. I got laid off and I was like,
41:04
well, I guess I'm going to either go back to stay in
41:07
journalism or become a dating coach.
41:09
And so in a way, I was pushed off the Cliff, but in a good
41:11
way. So that's how it happened.
41:12
I love it, the male loneliness epidemic.
41:16
Do you think it's true? And have you seen a change in
41:20
the men coming to now versus maybe your peers years in the
41:23
learning to date pool in 2005? Absolutely.
41:27
I've seen the data. I've read some of the articles
41:29
about loneliness and anecdotally, so many of the men
41:32
who get on the phone with me or somebody from my team saying,
41:35
hey, talk to me about how this coaching works, most of them are
41:39
dealing on some level with loneliness.
41:40
They've either never dated at all or they feel lonely because
41:44
they've never had the kind of partner who really got them.
41:47
Maybe they settled for a relationship that was just OK or
41:51
not what they wanted. So absolutely a big reason why
41:54
men come to me is they say, look, I'll be honest, I'm
41:58
pushing 40 or pushing 30 or pushing 50 and I don't want to
42:01
be alone when I hit that birthday that ends in a 0.
42:05
They don't want to be by themselves.
42:07
So I've definitely seen it anecdotally.
42:08
It does align with the data that we've seen out there with the
42:11
surveys and what the media reports on.
42:13
Do you think they're any less skilled at making connection
42:16
because of, I don't know, society post pandemic life,
42:19
being addicted to screens, which I'm guilty of two by the way.
42:23
Let me tell you about Terry. Guy named Terry, not his real
42:26
name, OK, Terry gets on the phone with me early last year.
42:29
And Terry, I'm saying, Terry, what's not working in your daily
42:32
life? What are you struggling with?
42:33
And he said, well, all I do is play video games.
42:36
I don't know how to talk to anybody.
42:38
And he didn't use these exact words, but he basically said,
42:40
I'm dating a doll. OK.
42:42
Then I said, can you elaborate on that?
42:44
And he's really into anime. And he had a physical doll.
42:47
And he said, my only, like, connection is with this doll.
42:51
I take it to the Central Park. And we just sit there.
42:53
And my heart was sort of breaking for him.
42:55
I have no problem with the guy who's into anime or dolls or
42:58
anything. Whatever floats your boat.
43:00
But this was a young man who clearly wanted a girlfriend,
43:03
Love from a person. Yeah, not from an object.
43:07
And that is a young man who was struggling with something that
43:11
is absolutely because of this world of screens and low levels
43:16
of almost artificial connection that we can get from screens or
43:19
video games or a doll, as opposed to higher level human
43:22
connection. And I'm happy to report, about
43:25
three months later, Terry was with his first female
43:27
girlfriend. No more dolls in his life, at
43:29
least not for the purpose of the Tooting real connection.
43:32
I wonder if they're still friends, He and the doll.
43:34
I don't. Know, I think those dolls are
43:36
very expensive, Connell. I do not think you just get rid
43:39
of them. I hope we're still friends, but
43:41
I'm glad to say Terry has a real female girlfriend.
43:45
But no, that was an extreme example of something that I
43:47
think we're seeing now more than ever, which is that screens low
43:51
level artificial connection. We absorb that and then all of a
43:55
sudden before, you know, you're almost 30 or almost 40 and
43:58
you've never had a real vulnerable, emotionally
44:01
connected relationship with somebody, or at least not
44:03
somebody that the kind of person you've wanted to be with.
44:05
And I love how you definitely were not king shaming, but
44:07
sometimes you see it and you feel it when someone wants a
44:09
deeper real connection and they want something and they're just
44:13
finding a way to fill the gap just for a little bit until they
44:16
find it. How do you push people to go
44:18
beyond their comfort zone? Are there certain clients you
44:20
push towards dating apps versus in person events?
44:24
Do you take a tailored approach to each person, or is there some
44:28
blanket things that could work for any of our listeners right
44:30
now? The biggest reason men hire me
44:33
is they want help meeting women in real life, approaching
44:36
talking to them in real life. So it's 2026, obviously I've
44:40
never, we're seeing fewer men approach women in 2026 than
44:43
before. And I've been dating since 2005
44:45
and I'm an old dude. You know, I remember what life
44:47
was like in the 80s and 90s, little bit about dating and
44:50
socially and people met in the real world.
44:52
I would say that maybe I don't have data on this, but I would
44:56
say the number of men who approach women in real life,
44:59
single men would be, I don't know, less than 5% because
45:03
everybody's on the apps or social media or getting fixed
45:07
up. But mainly it's because of
45:08
dating apps. And most of the men who do
45:10
approach women either need to use liquid courage or they need
45:13
some kind of canned pick up line like the guy who walked up to my
45:16
girlfriend with the whole pirate thing or the weird smile thing
45:19
that you heard that time. So the number of men who
45:22
actually walk up to women with genuine normal vulnerability at
45:25
like humans, it's probably less than 1%.
45:28
And so right now, in a strange way, now is the best time ever
45:31
to go approach a woman because it just doesn't happen, at least
45:34
not in a classy normal way. Guys don't know how to do it.
45:37
The thing that I push men to do more than anything, if they want
45:40
to do this, is let's go meet women in the real world like
45:42
we've been doing for 100,000 years.
45:44
That's so. True.
45:45
Like that's how we're all here. The reason we're all here is
45:47
because someone walked up to someone in person, right?
45:50
And hit on them. Yeah.
45:51
Or connected with them. Yeah, exactly.
45:54
And I can hear that guy in your audience saying, I don't know,
45:56
Connell, Isn't it weird to just walk up to a random woman?
46:00
Well, what's weirder? Walking up to a woman as a man
46:03
and speaking as to humans or grabbing this long cylinder
46:08
rectangular thing out of your pocket and swiping until you
46:12
find the right duck face photo of an attractive woman who has
46:17
the right bikini photo and you hit a heart.
46:19
What's what's more human than normal?
46:21
I think the former is the way we've been doing it for
46:24
hundreds, thousands of years. It's just that in the last 20
46:26
years, because of Tinder, the era and social media and me, too
46:31
many men have learned the wrong lessons, that this is not OK.
46:34
And I can't speak for you Amanda, but I can speak for a
46:37
lot of my clients. And as a dating coach, it is
46:40
more than OK to walk up to a woman you don't know and say
46:44
hello and try to have a conversation with good
46:47
intentions, especially if you do it the right way with good
46:49
intentions. To me, there's nothing more
46:51
normal and healthy than that for a single guy.
46:54
I couldn't agree more and I'm so glad you pointed it out that
46:57
like men feel it's weird. I also know as you were saying I
47:00
was like I think there are going to be women in my comments
47:02
saying like no I don't want a man interrupting me at the gym
47:06
or like when I'm with my friends.
47:08
But I think there is a right and wrong way to do it.
47:10
So do you have any advice? And I still would highly
47:14
recommend if anyone is struggling with dating right
47:16
now, contact Connell because you you've written a book which we
47:20
will link to in the show notes. How long have you been doing
47:22
this full time now? 14 years full time?
47:26
Can you assure me? Are you helping men talk to
47:28
women in the wild? I think it works better now than
47:31
it did 14 years ago because of post Me too post Instagram and
47:36
TikTok explosion. Fewer men do it now than ever.
47:40
And women haven't changed. The way men look at women has
47:44
changed. And so, so many of my clients,
47:46
even the ones who approach and don't get a number, so many guys
47:50
are saying, Oh my God, Connell, this woman said, you made my
47:52
day. Thank you.
47:53
I have a boyfriend, but Oh my God, thank you for coming up to
47:55
me. Men just don't do it anymore and
47:57
they certainly don't do it the way I teach it, which is be
47:59
present, be vulnerable, be authentic and let chemistry
48:02
happen naturally and do it as a gentleman.
48:04
It's hard to get rejected protected by a woman doing it
48:06
the way I teach, which I'll share with your audience right
48:08
now what I teach. But if you do get rejected
48:11
doesn't count. It's not rejection.
48:12
It's just how she felt in that moment.
48:14
But yeah, it does work. It's my favorite thing to teach
48:16
in the world. And so here's how you approach.
48:19
Keep it really simple. Here's a rejection proof way to
48:21
do it. I call this my what to say
48:24
framework, what to say method. What I wouldn't do is walk up to
48:26
a woman and say, hey, you're really sexy, you're gorgeous,
48:29
you look amazing, your top looks hot.
48:31
If you make it about her looks or her body, a lot of women will
48:33
feel objectified. Not really what I would come on.
48:35
Here's a great way to do it. You can meet a woman anywhere
48:38
doing this. Look at that woman wherever you
48:39
are. You're at the gym, you're at a
48:41
coffee shop and give yourself one of three options.
48:44
Option number one, give her AG rated compliment, her cool
48:47
tattoo, something not about her body, something G rated tattoo,
48:50
her style, her competent way she's standing, whatever it
48:53
might be. Option number 2 is ask her a
48:55
question that makes sense. You know you're standing at the
48:57
coffee shop tomorrow at Starbucks and the woman next to
49:01
you is intriguing to you. You might say I need your
49:04
advice. Should I get a hot coffee or a
49:06
nice coffee? I never know what to do when
49:08
it's like 60° and all of a sudden you're putting your
49:11
coffee decision in her hand. That's a nice thing to do.
49:13
Yeah, no, I'm into this. Yeah, And option #3 is you make
49:16
an observation, you notice something a little bit different
49:19
about her or something happening, and you call out that
49:22
unusual thing. It's a little trick I learned in
49:23
improv. You notice something unusual in
49:26
a scene or a setting, or in this case, an approach, and you call
49:29
out that unusual thing. I was at the gym once, and the
49:32
woman next to me in this class, she had her water bottle.
49:35
But her water bottle was shaped like a flask.
49:37
Yeah. And it was clear, so I could see
49:39
it was water. And I said, what do you got
49:41
today? Is it vodka or gin, the unusual
49:45
thing? So go with G rated compliment.
49:47
Yep, appropriate question or observation that you observe.
49:51
And it's hard to get rejected doing this.
49:54
If she rejects you, if she says how dare you ask me about my
49:56
coffee here at Starbucks, she's the weirdo, not you.
50:00
She's going through something. We do not know what's happened
50:03
in her day, but it wasn't you like that's.
50:05
Not your problem. Yeah, but it's hard to reject
50:08
that. And worst case scenario, you're
50:10
going to get, oh, hey, thank you.
50:12
I appreciate the compliment. And then she goes back to her
50:14
day, Fine, she's not going to say, get away, creepo.
50:17
Best case scenario, she'll say, oh, my God, yeah.
50:20
What am I typing on my laptop? Oh, I'm writing a screenplay.
50:23
And all of a sudden you're talking about writing together
50:25
and having a really nice coffee shop conversation, which is How
50:28
I Met my then future girlfriend, Serena.
50:31
This is years ago. But I just noticed.
50:32
I said, oh, that woman next to me, she's got a writing book.
50:36
It was called Bang the Keys was a creative writing book.
50:38
And I noticed that. I made an observation.
50:40
I use that as my ice breaker. I said, hey, is that a writing
50:42
book? What are you writing today?
50:44
And she explained she was taking this writing course.
50:46
We were on our first date a couple nights later.
50:48
A lot of men get stuck in their head.
50:50
What's the right thing to say? There's no such thing.
50:52
The right thing to say is your first option that comes up.
50:55
Do I give her AG rated compliment about something not
50:58
about her body, tattoo style, something?
51:00
Do I ask her a question or do I make an observation?
51:03
And it's hard to go wrong if you will choose whichever the first
51:06
one is that comes up. And thank you for going through
51:08
all of that. I'm going.
51:10
To. No, not at all.
51:11
It wasn't long winded enough because now I need to pick one
51:14
more insight from you. If you are willing.
51:16
I want to understand, is that flirting or is there a secondary
51:21
level after you ask the question or make the observation that
51:24
goes into something you'd consider flirting?
51:27
Those Ice Breakers? It could be flirting.
51:30
It depends on what you go with. A compliment about a woman's
51:34
style or tattoo or hair? That's probably flirting.
51:38
Yes. I would call that flirting
51:39
because you're making a clear observation about her overall
51:44
presentation. So that's flirting, but it's
51:46
like entry level flirting. It's G rated.
51:49
Yeah, that's what flirting is. Flirting is light.
51:51
The definition of flirting is playing at love.
51:53
That's what Oxford defines it as.
51:54
Playing at love if you make a playful observation.
51:57
I was at a coffee shop once and this woman put like 5 sugars in
52:00
her coffee. I said I haven't seen you at any
52:03
of the meetings. She said what?
52:04
I said the sugar anonymous meetings.
52:06
So I'm bantering with her. Banter is a form of flirting.
52:08
It's not me saying you're beautiful, let's go on a date.
52:11
I might say that 5 minutes later, but yeah, that would be
52:13
flirting. Wait I need to interject here.
52:16
I need to explain this and just break it down.
52:18
The reason that is flirting is because you are not making a
52:22
joke about how much sugar she was putting in.
52:25
You were creating a collective moment of I also love sugar.
52:28
So it's not a shaming thing to put 5 sugars in because I
52:32
mentioned this because I know there are a lot of men.
52:35
Yeah. And I'm going to call this out
52:37
there, a lot of men who think, oh, let me go teach a woman
52:39
something or nag her about how that's unhealthy or something.
52:42
And that can be turned into a shaming thing where you made it.
52:46
I just want to make it clear you made it a funny, cute thing.
52:49
And if I were pouring half a cup of sugar into my coffee, I would
52:53
react positively to that example.
52:55
Whereas if someone said don't you think that's a little too
52:57
much sugar or something negative like that?
53:00
I felt need to explain why that worked and why something like
53:03
this wouldn't work. Really smart.
53:05
Now you're getting somewhere really nuanced and smart.
53:07
Oh, that's a lot of sugar. That's not flirting.
53:10
Like, oh, do you take a little bit of coffee with your sugar?
53:12
Now we're getting into a bantery vibe.
53:15
So much of it is intention and vibe.
53:17
If my intention is to teach and to nag, that's unattractive.
53:20
It's not really flirting. He's trying but failing.
53:23
If the intention is I want to make her smile.
53:25
It all comes down to I want to make her day or night better
53:28
than when she met me or then before she met me.
53:30
We may, may not date, but this idea of what do I have to say to
53:34
not get rejected, that's a losing proposition.
53:37
If you say, what can I say that my maker smile might make me
53:40
feel like I'm giving a warm little moment to somebody, not
53:44
only does that feel so much better and it blasts all the
53:47
fear out because you're focused on giving, not your ego, it also
53:51
works way better than some kind of like teaching moment.
53:55
So it's a big win, win. Yeah, thanks for going down that
53:58
path with me because I was like, I want to make this crystal
54:01
clear. My next book is all about
54:02
flirting, so it's deeply seated in my brain right now.
54:05
I'm writing it right now. You're writing a second book.
54:07
All right. So, Connell, your first book is
54:09
Dating Sucks. You don't.
54:11
I think that is an app title because that is how many of us
54:14
feel about dating. What is the second book going to
54:17
be about? It's about flirting.
54:19
It's about how to flirt in a way that suits your own style and
54:22
personality. It's also about how the way we
54:25
flirt actually transmits our very traits that makes somebody
54:29
want to choose us. Because if you think about it,
54:31
flirting is not just frosting on a cake, which is an analogy I
54:34
used to use. Flirting helps you to make the
54:38
other person want to get the whole cake.
54:41
The flirting is the good part on top, but then they discover, oh,
54:44
when you're bantering with somebody the right way, a flirty
54:47
banter is my favorite thing to teach.
54:49
You're not just giving them flirty banter.
54:51
You're conveying your very intelligence.
54:53
People are attracted to intelligence.
54:55
Or if you make a clear romantic statement.
54:58
If I'm on a date and I say, by the way, like on my first date
55:00
with my girlfriend Jess, I said, you know what's really sexy
55:03
about you? You're so witty and funny.
55:05
I'm trying to keep up with you. I'm usually the funny 1 here and
55:08
she later. Drop compliment.
55:10
Sorry to interrupt but mic drop compliment to be called witty is
55:14
one of the highest compliments I think many people, at least me,
55:18
can receive. And she later shared that really
55:21
hit her in a good way because she's a very pretty blonde.
55:24
She's used to hearing great smile, You're beautiful, you're
55:27
pretty. She wasn't used to hearing
55:29
you're so intelligent and funny. And she is as funny as me, if
55:32
not funnier. She's the funniest person I
55:34
know. And so I said that to her.
55:35
It's all part of being authentic, right?
55:36
But when you convey a clear, direct compliment at the right
55:40
time, the right way, you're not just giving them the compliment.
55:43
You're saying to that person, I'm a man who tells the truth,
55:46
who calls it like it is. And that's a really attractive
55:48
trait to a lot of women. So anyway, my point, the book is
55:51
about how flirting itself, it's not just icing on the cake.
55:55
It shows how delicious the entire cake will be because a
55:58
woman never leaves a first date saying, wow, that guy is great
56:01
at flirting. I want to make him my boyfriend.
56:04
What she says is, Oh my God, he's so intelligent, he's funny.
56:08
We really click. There's just something about
56:10
him. And the something about him is
56:12
that she sees the whole thing. The flirting is the tip of the
56:14
iceberg, but it tells her about the whole iceberg.
56:17
And it also helps you feel seen as the woman.
56:19
Yeah, if there's something you like about yourself and that's
56:22
called out and they notice it, feeling seen as a huge part of
56:25
connection. Yeah, and that's one of the
56:27
elemental ways we want to learn to flirt is saying to her, I see
56:31
you, or at least I I think I see you.
56:33
And if you see what she sees, you've got two people who are
56:36
really emotionally connecting. Okay, I got to tell you, I don't
56:39
know if this book is only going to be geared towards single
56:42
dating people. Married couples need this too.
56:46
Yeah, you can't stop flirting. Flirting has to live on.
56:49
And like, I still have people say, like, I don't know how to
56:51
flirt, you know, with their wife.
56:53
And there were other circumstances that got them
56:55
together. So many things in common.
56:56
It just made sense. But sometimes you get used to
56:59
it. So you always need to be
57:00
flirting. The flirting should never stop.
57:02
Yeah. I like it always be flirting.
57:04
ABF, there's your new slogan. Yeah, I love it ABF.
57:09
And I don't know if if you realize this, Connell, but we
57:11
have just now naturally assumptively planned our next
57:15
two podcasts. Oh my gosh, you're a podcast
57:18
slash flirting Jedi. Yeah.
57:20
Like, well, learned from the best.
57:22
So we'll be coming back so that we can talk about how to
57:24
escalate into those sexy kinky conversations and desire while
57:28
dating. And then the third one has to be
57:30
when the next book comes out. Sounds great.
57:33
I'm in. I'm all in.
57:34
All right. So in the meantime, Connell,
57:36
where can we find you? Two places my website's called
57:39
dating transformation com If a gentleman wanted to book a free
57:43
call to talk about how my coaching worked, that's how he
57:46
could do it. I'm doing a lot on Instagram.
57:48
It's at dating transformation on Instagram.
57:50
I put out two or three things a day on Instagram and I'm really
57:53
having a great time and getting some good conversations going
57:56
there. So at dating transformation on
57:58
Instagram or dating transformation.com and my home
58:01
address is no. Well, listen, I was about to say
58:04
like, maybe you need to be a social media coach.
58:07
How are you putting out that much content a day?
58:10
I walk around a lot here in New York City.
58:12
I always have my phone with me and I'm literally just thinking,
58:15
oh, that's a good tip, or that's what I just gave Charlie that
58:18
worked great on his date. Let me tell that story online.
58:21
Don't get me wrong, it's time consuming, but I'm having fun.
58:23
I'm doing two or three a day. Something to aspire to.
58:26
All right, Connell. That's why it took me a while to
58:28
respond to your DMS. No. Which is actually totally fair.
58:32
I know. So like, I just live on
58:34
Instagram. Like I said, addicted to the one
58:36
specific app on my phone, Instagram, forget to even go to
58:38
the messaging app where I had your phone number.
58:41
So I'm so glad we made this work.
58:43
So everyone, I'm going to tell you, keep an eye out for an
58:46
episode that Connell and I will be doing together on his
58:49
podcast, How to Get a Girlfriend.
58:51
And Connell will be back here soon.
58:54
We have so much more to learn. If you enjoyed this episode,
58:58
don't forget to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with
59:01
anyone who might find it interesting.
59:03
And if you have any questions or topics you'd like me to cover in
59:05
future episodes, feel free to reach out e-mail
59:08
info@thekingconsultant.com. Until next time, keep on kinking
59:13
on.